☼ Cymbaltawithdrawal5600: Introduction

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I found the info I wanted on B12 by searching the net. Frustrated at the search facility in the forums: b12 (no result) b 12 (no result) and got me a warning about 'flooding' and search won't work on items less than 3 characters. vitamin b12 search finally got me to the info posted by Alto on the topic. The only area where I might have worries is aging and the loss of intrinsic factor. The tests to determine b12 deficiency get progressively more expensive. Starting point is serum b12, then homocysteine levels and finally methylmalonic acid levels. The last 2 are expensive and deficiencies in folate and other diseases and drugs complicate the results.

 

Using the cyano- form of cobalamin is only a problem if kidney function is failing. Apparently flax seeds are higher in cyanide than cyanocobalamin. Cyanide naturally occurring in seed coatings may keep pests away (way to go, plant kingdom!). I found no evidence to back up the 'false energy' claim in a link I posted above.

 

Have been an OLV since 1982. Unless the AD's totally trashed my liver (not likely as my liver enzymes were only high normal when I had the GP check for all 6 liver 'itises' after my ER stay), I think I'll be ok if I take my 500 mcg sl B12 once a week or not at all (as cyanocobalamin).

 

I am working my way through determining the nutritional content of what I eat using the Agricultural Research Service website

 

http://www.ars.usda.gov/main/main.htm,

 

the Office of Dietary Supplements:

 

http://ods.od.nih.gov/,

 

the National Agricultural Library at the USDA:

 

http://www.nal.usda.gov/,

 

and the http://www.choosemyplate.gov/

 

Sheesh, I just can't eat all that food! I used the Interactive Dietary intake (you put your own info in and it spits out your requirements) at http://fnic.nal.usda.gov/fnic/interactiveDRI where just to maintain my current weight (I don't, I want to go down to the 120's) I'd have to maintain 1882 kcal/day!

 

I may start to eat more as I become more active. My tiredness could very well be due to a low activity level. There is a lot of a$$ time involved in researching stuff on the 'puter.........

[Altostrata]

Good work, cw.

 

Maybe make some additions to the Symptoms and Self-care forum with the nutrition information you've found?

 

Yes, the search function here is weak. The best way to search this site is to Google

site:survivingantidepressants.org keyword keyword keyword etc.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Gosh, I forgot to mention seeing the doc on Wed. I cannot believe my good fortune to have gotten her. My psych care is from an area mental health clinic and the docs come and go, but she has been 'mine' for several years now. She has totally supported me not wanting to restart the meds and told me she has always advocated therapy vs. drugs when possible because of her training. So we talk about lots of stuff and she says medication is always up to me. I will have 2 more appts. this year (at my request) then none unless I call. I like knowing that I have an appt in case things get rough during this first year off AD's. These are technically med reviews, there is a different fee for therapy but it is sort of affordable as it is based on my income. And in the future, the clinic is always available if I need to go back. I am just not anti-drug. I think they 'may' have a place in treatment for me should I become disabled with depression again, but I now have more awareness of the risks.

 

I just now figured out something about the new site that I don't favor. This 'posting window' is not recognized by my browser as inputted text so the spell checker is disabled. That is why all of a sudden I am finding posts so hard to decipher now. And me being a spelling naht-see makes it worse....

[Altostrata]

Sorry about the site limitations. We're very forgiving about spelling errors, don't get all perfectionist on yourself.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Oh, Alto, just saw your post. For a moment thought I was posting in the wrong thread when I saw 'cw'.

 

I'll need to work on navigating those sites but it is worth it. If the real skinny on nutrition stuff is on a site that should be trustworthy (barring new research as it comes), then that's where I want to start, instead of following shoot from the hip advice from people whose creds I can't see or decipher. And the study citations are available too. Ya gotta start somewhere, then it's all personal experience after that.

 

And thanks for the tip on search, we can't have everything be perfect and it gives me a chance to keep honing my search skills.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Yikes! You're still here Alto! Disconcerting but funny to see such an immediate response....... I love the site with all it's 'flaws'!

[Altostrata]

Yep, still here.

 

Thanks for being such a careful researcher! That's the kind of curated info we need here.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Oh man, this sucks. Have had a weird headache all day. It's humid and sticky. Did a friend's dog earlier and I'm still itching from the dog hair. At 7pm I started hearing the thumping vibrations of too loud music (I thought it was the usual suspects in the trailer park down the street) so I waited till 10p and called the sheriff to report them. Finally managed to fall asleep and here it is, 1:30am and the noise is still going. Turns out it is my neighbor across the street, a belligerent old drunk who has his TV on too loud and his windows open. I've got all of mine shut, the A/C is on but not cycling at the moment, I can still hear/feel the sound and it is driving me nucking futz. There is something about living in these aluminum boxes, sound vibrations are magnified in them and I have always been sensitive to them, too sensitive maybe. Called the sheriff's office back and told them I was mistaken about the source of the noise, didn't want to get labeled as a crank, they needn't come out, I'll complain to our Mgr. on Monday. Took a couple of ibuprofen liquigels (they're the best!) for the headache and am sitting here 'putering with wicked thoughts in my heart.

 

Could be worse, methinks.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Ah, I am still gruntled this morning. Noise still there, wonder if the OF is 'checked out' but don't feel like checking. It's hot and humid and I still have remnants of pressure in my head. Sitting here wondering why it is so hot in the house with the A/C on. A car just went by with its radio blaring, gee that sounds loud. Oh drat! I had the windows open for a time last eve when it was cooler and I shut one of the blinds WITHOUT shutting the window. It is immediately cooler in here now that I shut it and the noise is more muffled.

 

The heat and humidity saps my strength and I just don't want to start on the projects I have set for myself, like painting the living room. I actually like the painting part, it is prep I dislike. I have an idea for a craft project I am itching to get to, that's what I'd rather do.

 

Long, hot, humid summer in FL. Gah.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Oh gosh, this is creepy. The FD and EMS have just shown up at the guy's house. I think someone (maybe him?) called them so there really might be something going on. It's weird that there has been no vehicle parked there. I was told his car got repo'd and he uses his golf cart or Jazzi to pop down to the corner store for booze.

 

Ok, he's leaving on the stretcher, must be him who called them. Sometimes it just plain DEPRESSING living in Senior Land. The FD and EMS don't come in with sirens blaring, you can just tell it's them by the loud rumble of the big diesel engines. And then you look to see where they go and give up a silent prayer that everything is OK.

 

Being off the AD's, I am so more aware of my mortality.

 

The subsonic 'noise' has stopped, thank goodness.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Wow. 'Brain Games' is doing neuroplasticity, exercising your brain, tonight. Cool.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

One of my habits is to view the full list of who's online here and what they are looking at. I cannot tell you how ofter I see 'guests' reading this topic:

 

http://Don't worry - Ablixa aka Alipazone is FICTITIOUS!

 

Haven't seen the movie but I wonder about desperate people seeking solutions. At least they are wise enough to google search it and finding mention of it here may spark their interest to learn more about AD's. I've seen some new member intros describe themselves as lurkers before joining. All to the good!

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

THIS is what I live for every day:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In this bowl, just like this. Veggies from the produce guy. Oil, vinegar and a couple shakes of NaCl. Ahhh, heaven.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

So I started another day with not being able to get started on anything productive. It's so dang hot and all I want to do is stay indoors in the A/C. But I am sick of the way the house looks, all the furniture is in the Florida room after the windows got installed. I need to paint and it's just easier to leave it all there till I'm done.

 

I had my usual yogurt/ricotta cheese bowl for breakfast (about the only thing I've found I can manage to get down in the morning). And just felt blah. Started to think about when it would be salad time. Bright idea! Who says I can't eat salad at 10:30 am? So I did, and I can still have it again this evening if I want.

 

If I eat 2 salads a day I'll probably make the produce guy rich. Who cares, it made my day!

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

So the early day salad did the trick, I got a burst of energy and set to work getting the painting area ready. But, at some time during moving stuff around, I tripped over my own foot and fell hard on the concrete outside. Got that immediate feeling of nausea, when I'm scared I may have hurt myself badly. I yelled for Mom to bring me an ice pack, I fell right on my left wrist. Had to lay there for awhile before I could get up. Kept the ice on, nothing broken, thankfully. Later in the afternoon started feeling stiff and hurty, took some ibuprofen. It's time for bed, I've had enough of this day. I really think I'm going to be very sore tomorrow.

 

I find myself not getting much done lately. Spending way too much time on the computer. I'm just going to turn it off and do some real stuff for a change. I'm feeling vaguely disaffected in spite of all the good stuff that's been happening lately. I definitely need to get outside more and it is really getting time for me to get my biz cards out there and get some new clients to replace the ones I lost last year.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

For about a month or so I have been doing a lot of reading various websites and books about skepticism, belief and critical thinking. I have almost finished a book by Michael Shermer about how we form beliefs and it has affected me profoundly. A lot of things I have 'believed' in have turned out to be quite false in light of recent scientific investigation. But the key is, not enough will ever get scientifically studied because it just doesn't pass the first test of critical thinking: it doesn't make sense according to the known laws of physics, biology, chemistry.

 

Many years ago I used to listen to Dr. Dean Edell on the radio when I had a delivery job. I also was able to get the 'John and Ken' show out of LA until they resigned their syndication. (You can goog Edell and see what he was about). I have always prided myself on my critical thinking skills and they have served me well. But I am as gullible as most to the 'printed word' and luckily I have caught myself in time before making purchases of stuff like 'supplements' that would likely have been a waste of time and possibly dangerous to my health. I find WebMD a valuable resource in this matter, as well as a lot of skeptic sites, and Quackwatch (and to a lesser extent Snopes.com). Most people do not use these sites as a first resort, probably because the purveyors of 'cures' are so pervasive and are a huge money-making enterprise. I posted somewhere in my content about something I heard on Edell's show long ago about the way to get rich. Anyone can do it and a lot have. I don't have the stomach for that sort of thing.

 

So anyhow, I've been looking up people and stuff I believed in in the past and found out that Edell retired in 2010. He started his final broadcast like this:

 

 

“America the greatest country on earth,” Edell said. “We’ve had it so good that anxiety loves that void. That’s where anxiety creeps in. Why are we such suckers when it comes to our health? Because of our anxiety,” Edell told his listeners.

 

So very true.

 

He finished his broadcast with this:

 

 

Edell told listeners that a quote from journalist Hunter S. Thompson has hung on his studio wall every day of his broadcast. He read it out loud. “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke- thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming ‘wow, what a ride.’”

 

Oh God, yes.... that's how I want to have lived. The trick is to stay alive long enough and in good enough shape to enjoy it all.

 

I am spending far too much of my time reading and posting to this board, time better spent preparing my final slide to 'home plate'. It is just so easy to mistake discussion boards (other than the valuable advice I gleaned here about antidepressant withdrawal and treating symptoms) and social media for true, face to face human interaction. I've done it before and will likely do it again, but I eventually catch myself and put a stop to it.

 

I have come to understand that the unease, anxiety, and 'disaffection' I've been feeling lately is probably related to the dismantling of my old belief systems. I just don't know what I believe anymore and I'm sure not going to get it by reading about it. I'll get it by living it, running my own little experiments with stuff and anyalyzing the results. In the real world.

 

So my first experiment has to do with staying off this discussion board and putting what I have learned into practice. Maybe I'll remember to come back in 6 months (or 6 minutes!) and post what I have learned!

[Altostrata]

It's true, CW. Online life has a way of pulling us in and making us believe it's real life.

 

Please come back more often and add your voice. You have a lot to offer everyone here. Maybe once a month? Let us know what you are thinking.

 

Best to you,

 

Alto

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Oh gosh, thanks Alto. I'll sure check in! In fact, just popped back in today to post something I just found and which may have already been posted elsewhere, I'm not going to check very thoroughly because I know it will tend to draw me back here. Sometimes for me, cold turkey is the way to go!

 

 

Experts propose restoring invisible and abandoned trials “to correct the scientific record”

Experts are today calling for all unpublished and misreported trials to be published or formally corrected within the next year to ensure doctors and patients rely on complete and accurate information to make decisions about treatments.

Sponsors and researchers will be given one year to act before independent scientists begin publishing the results themselves using previously confidential trial documents.

The BMJ and PLOS Medicine have already endorsed the proposal and committed to publishing restorative clinical trial submissions – and will discuss it in more detail at a meeting in London on Friday 14 June 2013.

Unpublished and misreported studies make it difficult to determine the true value of a treatment. Around half of all clinical trials for the medicines we use today have never been published – and a whole range of widely used drugs have been represented as safer and more effective than they are, putting patients at risk and wasting public money.

The authors of the declaration, led by Peter Doshi, a postdoctoral fellow at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, will contact manufacturers of trials, asking them to signal their intent within 30 days to publish previously unpublished trials and formally correct previously misreported trials (i.e. to restore abandoned trials).

They propose that if anyone who declares an intention to publish or correct does not do so within one year, all publicly available data for such trials should be considered “public access data” that others are allowed to publish.

This declaration, they say, “offers sponsors and trialists an opportunity to publish or formally correct their studies” – or otherwise see those abandoned studies published or republished by others.

New freedom of information policies means the public and the authors have access to around 178,000 pages of previously confidential trial documents and clinical study reports for widely used drugs for depression, heart disease, epilepsy and influenza. Some trials remain unpublished years after completion, while others have been published but have been shown to contain inaccuracies.

They say they are committed to seeing the findings from abandoned trials published – and misreported trials corrected and republished – and they set out a method for responsibly restoring invisible and abandoned trials (RIAT). “We see RIAT as a collaborative, global effort, and over the next year we hope to discuss and debate our proposal at appropriate venues,” they write.

As such, they call on others to join them as volunteers “in place of those who should have but did not make trial reports visible and accessible.” And they ask medical journal editors to endorse the concept of restorative authorship to “help the effort to complete and correct the scientific record.”

In an accompanying editorial, editors at The BMJ and PLOS Medicine say Doshi and colleagues “offer a bold remedy” to help restore the integrity of the clinical trial evidence base.

They explain that the results of clinical trials “are a public, not a private, good” and that the public interest “requires that we have a complete view of previously conducted trials and a mechanism to correct the record for inaccurately or unreported trials.”

They conclude: “If we do not act on this opportunity to refurbish and restore abandoned trials, the medical research community will be failing its moral pact with research participants, patients, and the public. It is time to move from whether to how, and from words to action.”

 

from this link:

 

http://wp.rxisk.org/rxisk-and-the-riat-act/

 

I love it! the Riat (Riot!) act! The fit will surely be hitting the shan I predict.

 

I am positive that Rxisk dot org must be mentioned somewhere on this site. Sometimes pulling away from activities give me a new perspective.

 

Thanks again for your kind note, Alto. This place will always be my first love and it is where I will post my recovery story. The time has now come to test out my recovery wings. The worst of the physical and mental has passed for now and at 8 months off all meds (except the hydroxyzine) it is time for me to really put what I have learned into action.

 

(And I had to pop back in to correct a spelling error, sheesh, I'm so anal sometimes!)

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

And yet another pop back. This is what I want to remind myself when I come back to post an update.

 

Been wondering why I feel so tired and unmotivated. I often type my questions in just such a way into a search engine to see what comes up. Yesterday my query was along the lines of 'will exercise give me more energy'. (You'll note I already intuitively had the answer). And I was right. WebMD to the rescue. And in surfing I came across quite a few articles about people in their 60's who had started RUNNING! I'd done that before and thought I was too old to do it again (another 'belief' trashed). And also a story about a woman in her 90's and running. (Was this the same woman I saw in a commercial some months back?)

 

So I did a little research, trotted off to Sports Authority last night and bought myself a new pair of kicks. I'm going to start off slow, of course. Walking mostly. I have the Dr. appt in a week or so and I have to see about the palpitations I've been having.

 

It's amazing what a motivator a new pair of shoes can be! I got the N*ke Flex (~$80), pricey for tennies, but what the hey, it takes what it takes. And they still have that motto on the box:

 

'Just Do It'.

 

Gonna cut it off the box and post it on my monitor. Nyah!

[Nikki]

It does help.....love the pic of sneakers:)

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thanks Nikki!

 

I back for my June rollup report on the results of my recent 'experiments'.

 

 

 

Taped to the back of my modemrouter, right in front of my chair, can't miss it!

 

Did well with my walking/jogging for about a week, then slacked off due to the weather. When I was able to get out, I put the cat in a basket I have set up on the back of my bike and did laps around the complex. He loved it, I struggled to build up my strength (he's a whopping 20 lbs!). After a 3 lap day, I was way too sore the next morning so I knocked off for a day then the rains started. Though I haven't gotten back to the routine, I know I will so I am not worried about missing a week. The new shoes are heaven!!!

 

Went to the Dr., got a 12 lead EKG and serum B12 done. Since they only call if the results are 'not good' and I have not heard from them, I'm good to go. He was very encouraging about the exercise and carefully noted all of the supplements I'm taking (he puts all the stuff in a laptop). My BP was in the high range and he suggested I could take HCTZ (look it up) and I said I would consider it only after I monitored my BP at home for several weeks. I have 'white coat hypertension', especially when the tech pumps the cuff up to 200mg mercury, the pain causes the BP to rise. So I have checked it at home and it is normal. Anything 140/90 and above is considered hypertension nowadays so it bears watching.

 

So here's where it gets weird. I had been taking my supplements erratically until I told him about them and so I took them religiously after my visit. My palpitations became nearly constant and I wondered what was up. The multivits contain 200 percent of the RDA for vit D3 (as cholecalciferol) and the omega3 250 percent. So I was effectively overdosing (for me) on an oil soluble vitamin which is very dangerous. The omegas contain D and E to stabilize the oil so nearly all formulations of quality contain them. And nearly all supplements contain D now since sunscreen use has decreased our body's ability to get D from sunlight. A source suggested optimal doses of vit D are obtained from a 10 minute exposure to the sun between 10a-2p four times a week. So I am off the 2 supplements until further notice. I think I noted that amounts in excess of 2500 IU D3 daily are not recommended but this is I am sure dependent on a fully functioning liver, proper diet, exercise and water intake. My liver may not be functioning optimally and I think that is why I have been having headaches daily for about a week as I wait for the D to be metabolized out of my system. I also read something about a link between magnesium and D so I have been taking my powdered mg at the full 81 percent RDA dose. Supplements are NOT benign!

 

More later....

[Altostrata]

Good for you that you tracked your symptoms to your supplements. That's the way to do it!

 

Love the image of biking with your cat....

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thanks for the support, Alto! I am getting quite good at finding info using search engines. I just start with a theory and often it turns out to be just what I'm looking for. I lucked out on the vit D and I think it is spot on even though I was taking well under the max dose. Sensitivities are so person-specific... sometimes. In that case I came upon some great anecdotal reports on WebMD that convinced me the culprit might be D. I still have the palps but they are diminishing more every day. And the headaches are less frequent. That one is a little harder to pin down. I spend a lot of my free time between projects at home playing sol on a tablet (currently hooked on tri peaks) and because of my progressive lenses I find my head is bowed down a lot and it might be related to neck strain. I think it will lessen when I get back to regular exercise.

 

I just (finally!) finished a book 'The Believing Brain' by Michael Shermer, one of the Skeptics columnists. Completely fascinating and unsettling, how the human 'belief engine' works. One of the nails in the coffin in which lie some of the things (and people) I have believed in, which are entertaining and comforting but which serve no useful purpose in changing my life for the better. I have allowed myself to be wooed by a lot of 'woo' in my life and what has actually worked is my own work and efforts, not something 'outside' of myself. Or something 'mystical'. there is a lot of useful and eye-opening stuff on sciencebasedmedicine.

 

When I stopped visiting this board several times a day like I had been doing, I found myself left with a lot of free time. Work has been slow, and I am keeping it that way while I work on getting this house cleaned up. Honestly, I do not want to do any of it. I picked at it, reading a lot and exercising. I found over time that when I stopped reading so much stuff about 'depression' that I slowly gained more energy and motivation. I am doing one last book and this one came from a library farther away. The author has a newer book, this is a work from 2004 by Christopher Martell, a behavioral activation approach to overcoming depression. It is funny reading a book setting out the steps that I had already started to do in a more informal way. I am going to photocopy the worksheets for future use should I ever need them. The workbook should solidify my current approach towards living a life less prone to depression. I have only had one bad day in the last month where I took my hydroxyzine. I can't say I am wildly happy but more at ease and definitely not depressed. I just don't seem to be able to hang on to ruminative thoughts anymore, they flit through my mind and are gone with hardly any effort on my part, I am getting so much better at changing them.

 

A note about the shoes... look at the way they are laced and tied in my avatar pic. Cool, huh? While looking up running shoes I came across a site by Ian Fieggan. He spent over 3 years studying shoelaces! I learned his knot and it is so cool the way the laces drape perfectly. That is what I love about the internet, I can't get enough!

 

See you next month and don't forget to donate to the site! This site is our life blood and we want it to be here whenever we log on.

[Altostrata]

All interesting stuff, thanks....shoelaces! Who would have thought?

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I am back with disappointing news, hit hard with a wave. Back to the "minutes seeming like hours" time and the ball of pain in my stomach. I started painting the inside of my trailer, full of high hopes and design inspiration. It's looking good but I loathe doing it now, working on it is filling me with dread for some odd reason. Back-slid on the exercise and diet too. Pushing through it it just making it worse and I think I will wrap it up, put the furniture back and wait a few weeks. There's no shame in that, right? I am just not that capable-feeling right now and beating myself up or trying to pep-talk myself just is not working.

 

The only thing I can use to help myself to feel better is the knowledge that the bad feelings left me at some point, so whatever I did must have worked to bring that about. So feeling ok is not out of my reach, it's just not here at this moment.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I've just finished reading the 'windows and waves' topic again. As I started to feel better a couple of weeks ago, I noticed that I had been getting bummed out reading about 'depression' topics, whether on the net or in books. I wasn't able to finish the last book I got from the library before I sent it back. I had an inner restlessness to be done, to get on with life, not just read about it. The information wasn't getting me anywhere, not getting things done.

 

So I started the painting project and while I was 'waiting for paint to dry', I started to look at a lot of DIY lighting, some really cool stuff. I wanted to do that, not finish my painting. Somewhere in all that I lost my motivation and the wheels started to come off the whole thing. Having a hard (impossible) time seeing the goal and what might come after that. I remember the day I noticed that familiar, hated feeling arrived, the place where I was but a few weeks (months?) before and I just freaked. O M G! I'm not really well yet! I don't think it will help if I dissect the whole thing out because there is not just one thing I did that caused my downfall, it was just everything. 

 

I overdid it with the bike riding, felt very sore one morning, then told myself I'd wait a day or 2 before doing it again. Then it got rainy and I found all sorts of excuses not to do it. I didn't really watch what I was eating. Looking back I realize I made a good start but I know I was just not eating enough, especially protein. And I quit the omega 3 and the multivits altogether because of the possibillity of too much vit D making the heart palpitations worse.

 

Anyhow, back to working on the foundation again.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

The 'sameness' of life is what is getting to me. That, and the chasing after feelings of 'happiness'. Each day that I wake up and am still 'me', though I do not have any kind of vision of who or what I would rather be. And I am afraid, just afraid, of what I am not sure. It's like, life will be better some time in the future, it just isn't now. I just had to get something out, I'll write more on this later.....

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

So yesterday, I had been doing some reading about therapy and decided to call someone. The person actually came to my house as she was in the area. I don't quite know what to make of it yet but she was very nice even though she admitted to struggling with problems of her own. I have some things to think about and some exercises to do till I see her again next week. Nothing earth shattering, I think that is what I was hoping for. There I go again, looking for that magic thing that will make it all better.

 

Took my friend to the airport and stopped in to see another friend to drop off some unwanted items. A craft project I had started and then decided that no matter how much work I put into it, it would never turn out the way I wanted. So I was very glad to be done with it all and she will find someplace where it will do some good. I chatted with her and had a good cry (again), and I feel somewhat better. I thought I would dread coming back to the house but I feel ok. Not great but calm and ok.

 

My appetite is really poor. I went into the sandwich shop before picking up my friend and was shocked that I could not order anything! They have really good food and I could not see myself eating any of it, not even some soup. I'll just have to let this ride, I guess, and not panic about not being able to eat a full meal for a couple of days. I see Mom has made chcken rice a roni, my all-time favorite food, I just might be able to eat some of that. At the house I will be staying at for a few days, they have a huge book sitting out, "Joy of Cooking". And the only magazines they have are "Food and Wine". I know how to cook, can read a recipe, but I never got into the joy part of it.

 

So in the next few days I think I will start putting the house back together and let the painting go for a bit. I just cannot face it.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I found some comfort last night reading different members intro topics from the beginning. When people reveal a little of themselves, even if it is just their age, somehow I get a different perspective. I know I judge things quite harshly sometimes, comes from long years of hearing my father and his judgements about everything and his anger when not agreed with. I grew up to be so much like him in temperament. Not a middle ground person, him. I am always convinced of the 'rightness' of my thinking but I know mine does change.

 

When talking to my friend yesterday, she told me some interesting things. She apparently didn't know I was still off the ADs, I thought I had told her. She was surprised to learn that I would not be going back on them as she says she would never go off her meds. I wouldn't have gone off mine either, just a quirky set of circumstances brought me to this point. I wailed about losing 8 years of my life, it going by in a blur, and waking up to find myself here. But look at all you have, she says, aren't you grateful? Yes I am, but why don't I feel it? And there is the heart of the matter, FEELINGS. The one thing I can say about them is that they are constantly changing. I label them good and bad, try to nurture some and try to chase away those I don't like or think are not right. I know I constantly measure myself against others, wanting what I think they have inside that they don't cry and wail and feel ugly inside. I just don't see them in the moments that they do feel like that, I guess. Much as I wish I wouldn't get like this, I do and just go through it and those friends are still there and I've actually made new ones over those years that went by in a blur. I do not see myself as they see me and it is a real shock when what they tell me does not match what I think about myself.

 

I am using the mess that my house is in to keep from getting on with my life. Like I can't start it till I get it cleaned up. Because I'll get busy again and never get to it. There is something nagging me at the back of my awareness that cleaning it up will leave me with nothing to do.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Been clearing more stuff out of the house and it's not as bad as usual. At times, when seeing some of the stuff I have collected, I get a hard clenching pain in my gut and I am frantic to push the feeling away. So I sit and read for a bit more and see many stories that are so much more grueling than mine. I nibble a bit from the fridge as facing a full meal is impossible right now. The day is going by slowly and it is what it is, another day in my life. How could this be the worst way to be?

 

I can get more done today and having the day broken up into little chunks between checking on the dogs helps a lot. Wishing for more won't make it happen, waiting and doing the best I can probably will.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

A couple of days ago a therapist came to my house. Something she said has been turning over in my mind. She said there was something great in me, an invention or something that is unique to me and that I needed to bring it out. While I admit that may be true, to tell the truth, it is not something I want in the sense I think she means it (or do I really know what she meant?) I've long ago stopped trying to find my 'purpose', some grand overarching 'thing' that my life is about but instead became content with just getting by and trying to take care of myself, pay the bills, have work I could do. I trained as a nurse, my dad made me go to college because that's what he wanted for me so I went along. I had already been accepted at my local 3 year degree school, going to be roommates there with my best friend. I never remember wanting to be anything else but a nurse but for me it was a completely romantic notion fueled by images of Clara Barton, 'Cherry Ames', and other stuff in books written for girls in the 50's.

 

Oh dear, I'm getting stuck in the remembering of that time. I thought maybe writing it out would help me clarify my thinking. Almost all day long I keep remembering things and people from my past because I cannot imagine my future (can any of us really?)

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

The day is passing and I have something very big to feel grateful for. My car has been making some noise when I run the AC so I took it back to the shop that worked on it a few months ago. There was a man there that paid me a very nice compliment and I was really hoping to run into him but he was not there. I had given him my card but discouraged him from calling me, saying that I was going through a very upsetting time. In talking to a friend today I recalled as how I have not been on a date since 1989. In my mind I was thinking that was at least 30 years or more but it is only 24! The thing with men was one of the more upsetting areas of my life that I could never 'fix' so I just gave up. I know it is not true that when you stop looking, the right one will appear. Well, yeah, that may be true for some but what if you don't let them in? I know that I can talk to men, just about anyone, really, but if I sense some more than casual interest I totally freeze up inside and shut down and then shut them down.

 

That man was different, don't know why but maybe it was the kind way he spoke to me and maybe I am healing up inside in that area of my life. The fact that he was not there wasn't a big disappointment and I'm so glad I didn't feel all weird inside. I have never regretted the single life I have led for these years, been so wrapped up in my own little world anyway that no one could have fit in. If I could allow myself one small dream it would be to get to know a man on a personal level again.

 

Anyhow, the big thing that I am grateful for is that the repair on my car will not be very expensive and I can afford it. The day is passing and I am feeling grateful that things don't feel so bad. Still a little concerned about my poor appetite.

 

I have mentioned, I think, that I have a lot of stuff piled around. Every day I have been grabbing a few boxes, looking in them quickly just to make sure, and then putting them in the car and carting them to the thrift store. Stuff I saved for craft projects I will never get around to because I just don't want to do the project anymore. And just stuff. Stuff I do not want anymore and would rather have space and neatness instead of boxes I don't remember what's in them. (I really don't know how to make the grammar right in that last sentence). But you get the gist.

 

The only stuff I am keeping is beads. I've always loved to make stuff with beads, but not lately. Will see if that comes back.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

The best I can do right now is to continue to post into my thread. I am still feeling 'off', that's the best I can describe it. Lots of stuff rattling around in my head and still the problem with not being hungry, although I eat bits of stuff as often as I can. Just no appetite. I am still comforted by reading the stories of those who post here and feel it keeps me from sliding into a really bad place. My mind wants to jump into some future place, somewhere where it is different from this.

 

Have been thinking a lot on all of the ways I have acted towards people in my life, how intolerant and judgemental I have been. I don't know that there is any hope for that except to try mightily not to keep doing it. I've been pretty blind to the suffering I may have caused to those around me by not realizing that no one is perfect, least of all me, and condemning someone in my mind because they make me uncomfortable is wrong.

 

What does God want of me? And is there a way to know? That's why I started the topic about coming to religion. I have always wanted to do things 'my way' and I remember that getting me on the wrong side of a lot of things. I had a job review once, long ago, where my supervisor said I was 'passive-agressive'. Oh, yuck. I'm thinking that the road rage thing I have had in the past was a symptom of that behavior. Reminds me of asking the doc to give me something for that because I had an episode after taking Cymbalta for awhile and I was shocked that I got so mad at someone tailgating me that I stopped dead in the road, got out of my car and started pounding on the person's window. I'm lucky someone didn't call the police and have me carted away. So she gave me Klonopin and I remember the feelings becoming more manageable. They still bite at me sometimes, but recently they just don't come up like thay did and I find myself being so relieved at making it through traffic (it's not really bad here this time of year) safe and sound.

 

Although my mental/physical state is not that bad, I am concerned about the appetite and think I will go get some Ensure or something till I feel more like eating. I'm still off the multivits and omega because of the vit D and it possibly causing my heart to palpitate more. If I can find any kind of omega without high D I'm going to try taking it. I am not looking for a quick fix, I just don't want to cause more problems by not getting enough basic nutrition.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I chanced my avatar pic back because I was telling a friend the story about the shoes and realized the pic was just too personal to my posting here. I get really timid about people finding out how messed up I can be.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I am just so confused about omega 3 supplementation right now and am going to post 2 links I found regarding vit D I found in my search for omega 3 WITHOUT added vit D. My search has not been exhaustive but it seems as though vit D it added to omega 3 because 'it's a good thing'. (Vit E is added because it stabilizes the oil and is in a low range, 17 percent DV). In the recent past I noted that I felt my heart palpitations worsening after I had routinely taken my omega formula (1000 IU D) and multivit (800 IU). The recommended intake for D is 600 IU females for females in my age range. 1800 IU is way over that. I remember finding a link saying something about too much D and palpitations, I'll have to find it again.

 

In my very early start here (when the awful wave hit in April and I found this board), someone suggested omega 3 (a friend) and so I got some cheapo brand from CV$ and took 3 of them spaced throughout the day. I swear I felt some relief from whatever unrelenting stuff (primarily located in my head) was happening. I finished that bottle then learned about the IFOS certifications for omega and bought a better, higher quality kind at a higher price. I started the 2nd bottle of them and that's the one I can't finish.

 

I'm primarily concerned because my appetite has been poor, but I am not obsessed about it. I guess all us have different sensitivities and mine seems that I cannot blindly pop supplements like I did when I was younger. And for pete's sake, all my education it seems that vit D is a HORMONE, and I don't think messing with those are 'a good thing'.

 

Here's the links, I may post them in the supplement forum later when I've had time to research them better.

 

http://gettingstronger.org/2012/11/why-i-dont-take-vitamin-d-supplements/

 

http://gettingstronger.org/2013/02/an-alternative-to-vitamin-d-supplements/

 

This site has some weird info (to me) that I don't know if it is worth exploring.

 

Popping a supplement is sure easier than hunting and gathering all of the elements of a balanced diet, especially when you are not hungry....

[Altostrata]

The reaction to your multivitamin may be because of the B vitamins in it, not vitamin D.

 

On the other hand, some people do find vitamin D supplementation to be too stimulating. If you look at your multivitamin ingredients, you'll probably find vitamin D there, too, so adding more vitamin D to that might be too much for you.