Petunia

☼ Petunia: Recovering from 13 years of antidepressant use.

1,440 posts in this topic

Aspirin is safer for you than propranolol. Use the low-dose type or cut it in half. Be sure to take with food or aspirin can irritate your stomach.

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It is so hard to explain to family isn't it? I used to describe as like being permanently at the top of a roller coaster.

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Had no idea about aspirin and cortisol. That is good news.

 

The propranolol gave me rebounding depression. The psych Nurse I see said that it does happen for some.

 

On hair loss. I didn't but I have been on another support group where there were two women that happened to. And the good news on that front is that it stops.

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"When you are going through hell, keep going"

Think it was Winston Churchill who said that.

 

Oh, this one is definitely a keeper!

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I gave up dairy :unsure:

 

Its been just over 24 hours with no milk or cheese, the two dairy products I regularly have. After doing some research, I thought I might be having a problem with the casein and thought giving it up for a while wouldn't hurt and might help.

 

So far I've noticed that my nose has stopped getting blocked up at random times through the day.

 

I used almond milk in my oatmeal this morning and had warm almond milk with honey, nutmeg and cinnamon this afternoon in place of the cow milk :)

 

What I'm really hoping is that its going to help with WD symptoms.

 

On an unrelated note, for the last 3 mornings, the cortisol surges have been less fierce and neuro-emotions are decreasing in intensity. When I went for a wander around the park today I noticed that my mood was just slightly below neutral rather than suicidally negative like it was when I tried to walk during the first few months of 2012.

 

I reinstated fish oil, two caps, not taking that hadn't made any difference.

 

Of course this might just be a window. Last Thursday morning was about as bed as it gets, I went to the mall to do some grocery shopping after dropping my daughter at the train station and it was like being trapped in a waking nightmare, or how I imagine a bad drug trip would be. Sounds and images were distorted, I felt completely overwhelmed, but isolated like as if I was a ghost. Nothing around me was making sense. I had a shopping list, but the letters and words didn't relate to anything I could remember. I couldn't recognize products on the shelves, it took ages to get the few items I needed, 3 times I came so close to just leaving the store and going home. But as I was half way through the check out, at 2pm, it was like a switch in my brain went off, and suddenly I felt normal, things around me slipped back into place, I relaxed, I guess my brain finally came online for the day.

 

27 days completely medication free

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Last night I dreamed that I accidentally took some Celexa, which is strange because I've never taken that before. :wacko:

 

Its exactly one calendar month since I stopped messing around with crumbs of various meds, trying to manage symptoms.  All I have taken is the occasional aspirin, maybe twice.  Also, no caffeine, alcohol, artificial sweeteners, drugs of any kind, I don't smoke and have very little sugar.  I gave up dairy 4 days ago.

 

My symptoms this week have been easier to tolerate than they have been in over a year.  I've been sleeping longer and not waking up in the night with hot flashes.  The morning cortisol surges are at about 25% of what they were.  Haven't had akathisia for a few days (no inner shaking/vibrations/pressure).

 

But I've still been getting some morning nausea and anxiety, feeling tired, depressed and unmotivated.

 

Neuro-emotions have decreased in intensity and go away faster.  I think I may be starting to experience some pleasure again too because this  morning I made some strawberry herbal tea and noticed that it smelled 'nice'.  Nothing has smelled nice to me in a very long time.

 

I hope this is a sign that I'm healing and not a result of giving up dairy. 

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thats wonderful honey, I wonder if you dreamed about the celexa because you have been reading my threads?

 

keep doing what your doing, I bet your going to heal from this real fast!

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Thanks Iggy, that's what I thought, been reading too many SA threads :)

 

I hope you are right, I've been suffering for over 2 years now, since November 2010.  I quit Lexapro in the middle of the year and then crashed in November, but didn't know it was connected.  My mistake has been trying all kinds of medications and supplements in varying  amounts to try and manage the symptoms, for the best part of 2 years.  My poor brain must be in chaos trying to figure out what's going on.

 

I hope your akathisia settles down again soon.

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My 4 day window closed and I'm feeling miserable again, wave started yesterday morning with morning cortisol surge, nausea and feeling shaky most of the day. Strong neuro-emotions are back with lots of negative thinking and anxiety.  I was expecting it, but was hoping I was going to be wrong.  Don't feel like writing much.  Hope everyone else is feeling better.

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Sorry to hear that Petu, but hang onto the fact that you've had windows now, and hopefully you will get more and more of them.

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Sorry to hear that Petu, but hang onto the fact that you've had windows now, and hopefully you will get more and more of them.

Thank you Strawberry, this site is my source of strength at the moment.

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Then consider yourself hugged!

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I'm still in a bad wave.  When I look back through my original list of symptoms, I can see that I'm  feeling better now than I was in the beginning, but I'm getting despondent, slowly broken down by my inability to fix this.

 

This morning was particularly bad because it started off surprisingly normal.

 

For the last few weeks I've been able to sleep until about 7am and then not actually get up for another hour or so, the anxiety and cortisol surges have always been fairly bad, so I just expect them now.  But this morning when I was woken by my alarm at 5am, to take my daughter to the train station, there was no awful feeling!

 

I got up, got dressed and drove her to the station, it was freezing, but even that didn't bother me much.  We were chatting in the car and I was feeling calm and relaxed, it was very strange.  But on my way home, the shaking and tension started to rise, then I realized, the sun was coming up, when I had woken up and left the house, it was still dark.

 

I was determined that I wasn't going to let it 'get me' today, so I started doing some chores, cleaned the kitchen, but was suddenly overwhelmed with exhaustion.  I was shaking, having hot flashes and then feeling cold, so I tried going back to bed.  Then one of my neighbors started having their trees cut down with a chain saw and mulched, that went on for 5 hours. I tried using ear plugs, but it was so loud and I could still feel the vibrations.  By the time that finished I felt like I was totally fried.  After such a good start to my morning, I'm so disappointed (again).  Now the guy across the street is chopping wood, he's been doing that for about an hour.

 

A few nights ago, my brain came completely back online, so much so that I actually beat my daughter playing a word game, that isn't something which has been possible for me to do for over 2 years, but that capacity was gone again by the next day.  This is such a frustrating and frightening process.  Even though physically I can see I feel better, my confidence and self esteem are non-existant and the helplessness and vulnerability seems to grow the longer this goes on.

 

Its like the fog is clearing and I look back in shock at a life I don't relate to at all, where was I?  How did I lose control of my life like this?  Was I ever in control in the first place?  It seems that part of this healing process is making me doubt absolutely everything I ever thought I knew about myself and life.  Sometimes I can't shake the belief that this is just psychological and I should be able to.....think and behave myself better.  All the CBT and self help books are now biting my butt :mellow:

 

For me, there's no going back, there's nothing left to go back to.  My task is to create something new, but the way I feel now, I don't even have the energy or motivation to create an ending to this sentence...

 

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I had a very similar morning to you Petu, I had to get up early to take my husband to the train station as he's working in London today, we set the alarm early, I woke before the alarm and was absolutely fine, happy, well, but when I got up and driving back from the station I could feel depression kicking in, worse than other mornings lately. I get better as the day goes on though.

It will get better and you'll hit another window before long, hang in there Petu.

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Yes, keep hanging in there Petu. I know it's hard to see when you're feeling terrible, but it's obvious from out here that you're improving and healing and moving in the right direction. Just keep it up.

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Thank you Strawberry and Rhi, your encouragement and understanding helps me feel less alone.

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What you're going through is so typical of withdrawal syndrome.  I can relate to much of what you say, especially the reaction to lots of noise.  I dislike noise even at my best, and having painters who played a radio and talked a lot for two days last October left me feeling literally sick and tired.

 

You've been off meds for less than two months, and considering all the changes you've been through, it isn't surprising that you're having a lot of ups and downs.  It takes a great deal of patience to get through withdrawal.  And you may as well be patient, because impatience makes things that much worse.  Nearly all of what goes on during  recovery from antidepressant withdrawal is out of your control, so blaming yourself is also pointless.

 

It's a very good sign that you're having windows of normalcy already,  Things will get better, although probably not as quickly as you would like.

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UPDATE:

 

Last week I found myself researching various symptoms of vitamin deficiencies and was pleasantly surprised to find that several of the vitamin B deficiency symptoms match some of my symptoms, before long I had myself convinced that my problem was mainly due to a vitamin deficiency.

 

On Thursday, about lunch time I found an unopened bottle of high quality vitamin b complex supplements in one of my kitchen cupboards, and took one.  I decided that I was going to take one the following morning and then for a few days, to see if they helped.

 

Within a few hours my mood had lifted, I had been in a depression wave for about a week.  It was only a subtle change, but enough that I noticed, but I also realized that it could have been the general improvement that I often feel in the afternoon towards evening.

 

But my mood and levels of happiness were slowly increasing as the evening progressed.  I was at home alone, playing various games on my computer, but I was having a great time, not just trying to distract myself from feeling bad as I often do.  By 2:30am I was still wide awake and almost obsessively trying to beat my own score in various games.  Usually I'm exhausted and falling asleep by about 9pm.

 

I made myself shut off my computer and tried to go to sleep.  I had one of those nights where I felt like I was awake all night, but I wasn't.

 

Woke up the next morning full of cortisol, more than usual I think.  I laid in bed trying to calm myself with breathing, then suddenly I felt a huge rush of energy race into my chest area, it was like nothing I had ever felt before and it scared me.  I jumped out of bed, feeling like I needed to move around to disperse the energy.  I remembered my plan to take vitamin B for a few days, so I went into the kitchen, made some toast, a cup of tea (I had started drinking tea again because it tended to lift my mood slightly without too much problems) and took my magnesium, omega3 along with the new vitamin B complex.

 

After about half an hour I suddenly felt incredibly hot and broke out into a sweat, it was really intense, I was soaking.  Then I was cold and shaking, feeling freezing, but clammy from the sweat, my clothes were damp, I couldn't stand the feeling so I spontaneously found myself in the shower.  This was unusual because showering usually causes me a lot of anxiety and I often have to psyche myself into it, and rarely do I have a shower in the mornings when I'm feeling the worst.

 

The way my day progressed after this was a big surprise.  There was a happy, calm, positive kind of energy which seemed to be building and was carrying me quite naturally from one activity to the next.  I don't want to go into details about the things I got done on that Friday, but it was like I was a completely different person from the way I have been for over 2 years.  All the fear, negativity and exhaustion was gone, in their place was a renewed creativity and hope.  I was so relieved to have my old self back and I attributed it to the vitamin B.  Finally, I had some control over this awful 'thing' which had overtaken my life.

 

Once again I was still awake at 2:30am, but happy and busy listening to fun youtube videos.  It was actually a shock when I did notice the time, so I thought I had better go to sleep.  It took me about an hour to finally fall asleep and I only managed to get about 3 hours sleep, which is unusual for me, once my sleep came back, after the first 6 months, I've had little problems with it.

 

Woke up the next morning full of cortisol again, very agitated, shaking etc, but I was sure that taking my vitamin B would fix it.  I got up and did the same routine as the previous morning.  But instead of starting to feel better as the morning progressed, I was getting worse.  I was determined that this was going to be 'my answer' though, and forced myself to keep active, believing that at any minute, the miracle effect would kick in. 

 

But by the time I was trying to cook a 'special' dinner that evening, and was in a terrible state of confusion and exhaustion, I had to admit to myself that what I'd experienced the previous day must have just been a random window and nothing to do with the vitamin B.

 

Thankfully, I slept better last night, but I wasn't happy any longer, the anxiety and shaking lasted all day yesterday, I didn't even get a break from it like I usually do.  Felt worse than ever this morning and once again crushed because the hope I had experience for a day was gone and I was left feeling helpless and out of control again.  Of course I didn't take any more vitamin B and I think it must be out of my system by now because I have my 'normal' improvement this evening.  Sort of a resigned, flat, meaningless calmness because I don't have to do anything else today apart from go to sleep.

 

For one, brief, 24 hour period, I actually looked through a window and saw a scene which made me smile.  It wasn't so much that I managed to get some things done in an easy and enjoyable way, but that I started to believe that I actually had a future worth living for.  I thought that I had found the key to that window, but, it must have just been a coincidence because now that window is closed and locked and I'm in the dark again.

 

There is a silver lining though.  This latest disappointment has broken me down a bit more.  I'm closer to giving up....really giving up.  Giving up the struggle for control where there realistically is none.

 

The last remaining piece of meaning in my life is that this experience is a spiritual 'journey' and that the ultimate goal is to completely give up everything I think I need in order to live, and yet keep living anyway.  Can I live without control over my moment to moment experience of life?  Up until now, I have been, but its the acceptance of that fact which is hard.

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Many people find B vitamins too stimulating in withdrawal. You might find a partial dosage gives you the lift without the overstimulation.

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I seem to be able to tolerate B complex in small doses. I open the capsule (not a very high dose formulation to begin with) and toss out over half of it. Seems like a lot of folks find B to be too stimulating in withdrawal.

 

Petu, I know it doesn't help much, but the kind of hopelessness that you are feeling is typical in withdrawal and is more a symptom of withdrawal than any kind of indicator of how hopeful your reality actually is. Try to remember it's like lies being whispered in your ear.  Your thoughts are not reflective of reality right now. Your future is much more hopeful than you are able to imagine right now and it's because your imagine-er is broken, not because your future is broken. If that makes any sense.

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Thanks Rhi and Alto, I did actually take a smaller dose of the B vitamins today and so far so good.  I've also been experimenting with Relora (the kind with only 2 ingredients).  I will write more about it when I've reached some kind of conclusion, but so far I can say that for me, it definitely lowers the physical cortisol effects with no major paradoxical symptoms, but its been making me very drowsy.

 

Thanks Rhi for reminding me that my hopelessness doesn't reflect reality.

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Hey :) Petu i read your thread and it reflects everything that i am going through, emotions everywhere, felt like ive been through the washer 300 times rinse and repeat then tumble dryed the same. It seems like everything that can go wrong has gone wrong and we cant stop it but just live it. My problem is these damn waves, they seem to take so long and it discourages and makes you forget about the periods where we feel decent and neutral. I wanna know how or when do we reach the point where we feel normal and have energy and motivation again. I give you so much credit for hanging in there and staying off the drug, you can so do this and are doing it...eventually this will all be a thing of the past and prepares us for the future in a introspective way : keep strong my friend ive always thought about you. If you have fb you should private msg me then we can leave msgs daily and inspire etc ..

 

Mr.A

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An update:
Its been 3 years since tapering too fast off Lexapro and just under 12 weeks of being completely medication free.
My first impulse was to write that nothing much has changed in the last couple of months, but when looking back at my original list of symptoms, I can see that it has...
 
Waking at 5am with racing thoughts currently waking about 7am with racing thoughts, but not quite as fast paced
Feeling like I haven’t slept at all now I wake up still tired, but not like I haven't slept at all
Nausea, shaking, dizziness, body pressure, muscle twitches all of these decreased for a while earlier in the year, but now they seem to be worse than ever, especially the shaking, like a kind of inner and outer shaking for most of the day.  Not so much nausea or dizziness though.  On bad days I get some muscle twitching.
Waves of negative emotion still getting this but the intensity has decreased
Hot/cold flashes, sweating this has increased
Constant ringing in my ears this remains constant
Sensitive to sound, light and smells this used to be almost all the time, but now it has decreased and is worse in the mornings and on bad days.
Can’t watch TV or listen to the radio because its too stimulating I'm still having to be very careful what I expose myself to because I'm still very sensitive to emotional content, but occasionally I manage to watch a few benign TV shows.  The commercials, news and any politics really upsets me though.
Most things are too stimulating now, including being around other people too long I'm only finding some people difficult to be around, but I still get tired easily from trying to socialize.  Feeling lonely and isolated at times, but also can't handle a lot of social interaction, so I'm not sure how to fix this.
Loss of appetite and loss of weight I'm back to an average weight now and my appetite is ok from about mid afternoon
Hair falling out  My hair is still very thin, but I think the loss has slowed down
Agoraphobia, mostly during the day, I’m able to go out easier late afternoon towards evening The agoraphobia seems to have got worse, but when I do go out, its much easier than it used to be, which doesn't make sense.  This is the most confusing thing to me.  When I do go out of the house to do things, lately I've been fine, functional and its been a lot easier than in the past.  I don't panic or get waves of negative emotions like I used to and my brain seems to be working better.  My concentration while out has improved.  But I just want to stay at home where I feel safe.  I think I've developed a trauma reaction to going out, added to the fact that its not easy doing anything while experiencing a constant shaking feeling.
Memory problems and mental confusion in general this seems to have improved, but it gets bad at times
Loss of confidence.  this has become worse, probably because this has been going on such a long time
Loss of interest in doing anything or going anywhere mostly the same, but once in a while, especially in the evening, I get some motivation to do something or go somewhere and plan to do it the next day, which never happens because the next day I'm always feeling awful again.
Can’t get any pleasure out of things any more mostly the same, but I did enjoy eating some cake the last two nights in a row, but I think I have paid for it with increased symptoms.
Loss of hope still feeling pretty hopeless, most of the time thinking I'm going to feel like this for ever and that I'm 'supposed' to be doing something pro-active to get myself cured.
 
I forgot to put constant DP/DR in my original list of symptoms.  Now it comes and goes, worse in the mornings and on bad days.
 
I also didn't mention sinus congestion and excess throat phlegm, not realizing that they could be connected with WD.  They have both improved slightly, there seems to be a connection with what I eat, but its confusing because giving up various foods temporarily hasn't solved the problem and sometimes eating something will cause it and sometimes not.
 
I have a couple of new symptoms.  The skin on my shoulders and upper back will suddenly go very cold, while the rest of me is warm.  I sometimes get waves of sensations go up my legs like pins or burning, but it only lasts for a second or two.  By the evening I'm emotionally exhausted and don't have much energy during the day.  I can feel my fitness level decreasing due to lack of activity, but I'm finding any kind of exercise difficult, it seems to increase symptoms.
 
What I'm struggling with the most is the constant inner and outer shaking which lasts for most of the day and temperature fluctuations which are worse in the morning and seem to start at some time during the night.
 
The fact that my resistance to going out is increasing is making me scared.  The intensity of the shaking during the day, makes the thought of going out quite terrifying, I feel so vulnerable, but every evening, when physically, I'm feeling better, I can imagine going out the following day, until the next morning actually arrives.
 
I'm actually feeling pretty hopeless about having any kind of future or of ever enjoying anything again which is ridiculous because I'm only 51.  Up until about 2 years ago, I could easily pass for being in my mid 30's and had the energy of a teenager.  Now it feels like my life is as good as over and most of the time I don't even care, just want to hurry up and get to the end of the suffering.
 
Logically, I know feeling this way and thinking this way is a symptom of WD, but knowing it doesn't stop it.

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It sounds like under the circumstances you are doing really, really well, Petu.  You should be really proud of yourself for how far you've come.  There are many symptoms you listed that are getting better for you - that is wonderful!  Hang on to the fact that many things have improved so the others will too!  Don't be hard on yourself for what you are not able to do now, those things will come in time and you are doing what you can do to just get through this time.  

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Wow, I am just amazed at how much things have improved! What is going on now is surely 'WD symptoms' and may also be your body's erratic fits, jerks, INNER SHAKING as it is repairing and adjusting itself after AD's. It just doesn't seem to do anything gracefully, that's the problem. Not what WE think is graceful, anyway.

 

For me, I found myself in the beginning of my 6th DECADE of life when I woke up from my withdrawal fog. My weight started dropping all on it's own (yay!) but a look in the mirror showed me a face full of wrinkles (the pudge I was carrying around must have been smoothing all of them out, ugh). Hair really thinning (I saw it coming out in the shower early in WD). I don't have fat hair anyway and that one bums me out. Maybe my hair follicules have to heal too. But my body will always be growing hair so that one could have a surprising result.

 

It's that some of this stuff doesn't look the way we want it to. I've been feeling washed up and useless and OLD. No husband, no kids, no 'job' (but self employed and getting my social security check). When my mom dies (why am I so sure she will go first?) no one will NEED me. Not even this place, SA. But some little thing in me says to wait a little longer, don't do anything drastic. The 'fat lady hasn't sung yet'. I manage to get through another day and sometimes, when I peek back, I see that stuff was changing under my very nose. It just didn't look what I wanted it to look like, didn't match everyone else's, and I discounted it. And the days, while seeming the same in a broad sense (outer) are often quite different and magical inside me.

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Wait, cw, we need you! You're very much appreciated here.

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Petu, 12 weeks off isn't much. As a matter of fact, you could be at the worst part of w/d

Many of the symptoms you describe I've had them;now, 1 year off meds. many of them are abating, and some are gone.

Hang in there, it will be getting better;I am preparing a 1 year off update.

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Alto, what did I say? I am not going anywhere. Did I get too weird when I said that SA doesn't NEED me? I meant need in the sense that this place will function quite well without my voice, fah-bulous as it is ;) (come on, that's a joke!)

 

I was speaking more to what I felt when Petu said this:

 

 

I'm actually feeling pretty hopeless about having any kind of future or of ever enjoying anything again which is ridiculous because I'm only 51.  Up until about 2 years ago, I could easily pass for being in my mid 30's and had the energy of a teenager.  Now it feels like my life is as good as over and most of the time I don't even care, just want to hurry up and get to the end of the suffering.

 

Though I don't feel that way all of the time, I think nearly every day that kind of thinking shows up in my head. I just had it start today because of something having to do with my work that got me shaking mad!

 

I may post it in my thread, not here. This is Petu, she voiced her feelings and I wanted to tell her that her update shows progress she may not be able to SEE because she is IN it. If I can see it, I want her to know it. If I am half a rung higher at any given moment I want to be the kind of person that can reach down and give someone else a hand to grab so they can pull up. I haven't always been able to do that in my self-centered life. And to let her know that I, too, get those feelings and am getting better at not taking them so PERSONALLY. And grab the knitting or the solitaire or SA and wait it out.

 

That thread on 'suicide ideation' has me all weirded out. Or maybe I'm just weirded out because.

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Petu,

 

from where I'm sitting that looks like some major progress!

 

I'm glad you documented these changes. It can be really hard to see these improvements unless we track them religiously.

 

May you heal more with every day:)

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Thank you everyone for your comments and feedback.  It means a lot to me when someone responds, even if its just a few encouraging words or recognition of something I'm not seeing.  I get DR quite bad at times, especially if I've been alone for a while and not gone out, so I start to doubt my own existence.  Getting a response to a post validates my own reality.

 

This place might survive without you CW, but it wouldn't be exactly the same, I'm sure a lot of people appreciate what you write, I do.  Some people seem to be the natural 'voices' of our society, speaking the truths of so many others who can't.  I often look at the number of views compared to the number of replies on posts and realize that a lot people are helped and supported by the contributions of people who actually post.

 

.....all the posts about crafts have finally got to me, I'm going to attempt some crocheting.  I have very little enthusiasm and there is nothing I want to make, I don't even like crocheted things, but I'm going to try it for the therapy value.  Waiting for my beginners book to arrive. 

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Awwwww Sweetie! Thanks for the kind words. It is a major leap in your recovery that you were able to GET what we all were trying to point out: that some of your 'symptoms' have changed, even the slightest bit (whether they remained the same but didn't occur as often or have decreased or whatever). Believe me, YOU won't realize how much things have improved except when you look back on them and if your head is clouded up with an IMAGE of what you should be like and WHEN, you'll miss the slow but steady improvement. When you write them down and share it with others, we can see what you can't.

 

My rational, thinking mind thinks the crafts thing is bunk, that it won't work for me because it's too simple. I'm just like you: not interested in what I'm making, don't need it, yada yada, nasty old 'anhedonia'. But yesterday, a thing that happened with a project I thought I was involved in that stirred up feelings of hopelessness, all washed up, the futility of it all and I 'heard' my thoughts begin their downward spiral to 'what's the use, they don't need me, I might as well just.........' So I reached for my crappy old knitting and it gave me a framework to just sit with myself while the drama played out in my head and eventually died. And then it was time to go walk the dog and find out the dog actually managed to get up on the bed and PEE on it in the short time my back was turned. The owners would be back from their long trip in a few hours and come home to a wet bed. Stuff like this seems to trigger my low esteem issues. But I patched it up as best I could and wrote a note and came home. If the crappy knitting earlier kept me from having a meltdown I'm all for it.

 

Can't wait to see what kind of 'inner adventure' you are going to have with your crochet!

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I caved and took something for relief, something I wasn't going to take again.

 

For the last 3 mornings, when I first wake up, between 5am - 7am, I have taken and extremely low dose of Inderal (Propranolol).  2.5mg, which is a quarter of the lowest dose available here.  Its a beta blocker, usually prescribed for high blood pressure and to prevent migraines.  It doesn't effect cognitive function, just stops physical responses to stress.

 

The side effects I usually get from this are increased depression, but with such a low dose, I've been getting about a 50% reduction in the constant shaking sensations with no noticeable increase in depression.

 

I'm amazed that such a small amount has actually made a difference and I'm not completely sure its the 'right' thing to do.  But I seem to be able to get out of bed now and find some motivation to do a few things earlier in the day.  I'm hoping that the slight lowering of physical stress being experienced will help with healing.

 

I was beginning to feel like the constant daily physical stress sensations were not really decreasing and in fact were sapping my energy and decreasing my bodies ability to heal itself.  I might be wrong, but for now, this seems to have helped, slightly, my mood has lifted a bit.

 

My crochet materials arrived and already I've stumbled upon the first challenge of this 'inner adventure'.

 

My objective was to find some mindless, physical activity to occupy myself with during the more difficult moments.  But when I saw the instruction book, and learned there was a DVD inside, I suddenly realized that there's nothing mindless about learning a new skill.  I've first got to tackle learning something new before being able to have a mindless distraction.  :( This isn't what I had in mind.

 

This is going to have to be an evening activity for a while, until it actually becomes mindless.

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Hey Petu,

 

I highly recommend crocheting to help keep your mind off things. But if you've never learnt how to do it I can see how it would seem tricky. Do you know how to knit? There are heaps of free youtube video tutorials that show you how.

 

I've taken up knitting as a way of helping me to stay up (sleep restriction) and I find it extremely meditative.

 

I don't know what it is about it, but I enjoy the process thoroughly. I started off knitting a scarf for my sister (this is about the extent of my abilities). Then I progressed to a simple beanie.

 

Now I have a pattern for a halter top (had to join a knitting forum to work out the pattern!)

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Hi Petu,

 

Many, many years ago, I purchased a kit that contained 'everything' I needed to crochet an afghan. I'd never crocheted before but it had very good instructions. I wish I'd kept it up because it was really calming.

 

I've thought about trying it again, too. I haven't been motivated to look for supplies, yet, though.

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Thanks Basildev and Tezza for your encouragement.

 

I thought about knitting, but don't you have to juggle two long, stick things with that?

 

I think I'm safer starting with one shorter weapon :unsure:

 

First attempt happened this afternoon.  Without thinking about it too much, I grabbed the book, sat down in the living room and fairly quickly read it from cover to cover.  Then I re-read the instructions for the first few lessons.  Figured I'd got the basic idea so I tore open the light blue....'yarn' I think its called, grabbed one of the hook things and proceeded to make a chain with 12 loops.  That went fairly well, once I got my fingers to behave themselves.

 

Then I actually remembered how to start the next row and thought I was doing brilliantly until I got to the end and realized I had 12 loops left on the hook.  It ended up looking more like I had been knitting anyway.  I still felt quite proud of myself, because even though I had invented some kind of hybrid knitted, crocheted thing, it looked neat with all the stitches about the same size.

 

Anyway, I ripped my little creation off the end of the hook, and was pleasantly surprised at how easily it unraveled, disintegrating back into nothing. 

 

Will try again tomorrow after having another look at the book.

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