☼ Petunia: recovering from 13 years of antidepressant use

[apace41]

I'm so sorry you are in such a bad wave, Petu.  I wish you peace and comfort and a quick move from wave to window.

 

When you are hurting it helps to read some words of strength.  I highly recommend Dave's thread:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/7520-ten0275-im-dave-and-im-almost-there/page-1

 

You will get better, Petu. I know it in my heart.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[WinningThrough]

I'm really sorry petunia. This wave will pass although it doesn't feel like it now. It will pass and things will start to feel better again.

[WinningThrough]

Petunia I'm just wondering, do you still take vitamin c?

[grandmaD]

So, so sorry to hear this, it really is sad and unfair what we have had to endure and I think our anger is justified.  There are plenty of times when this poison gets the better of us, that's for sure.  While you may feel all is very bleak and hopeless at present, let us who are in a better place have hope for you - for a better future.

[brassmonkey]

((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))) thinking of you Petu.

[bubble]

Thank you for sharing

 

Big hugs

[btdt]

So much of what you wrote I just know and your visit to the benzo forum to see others like yourself may be in part due to people accepting there that they still have symptoms at 5 or more years off...it is not the same with Ad drugs.  Or does not feel the same to me. I am sorry if I am leaving you blowing in the wind alone I just can't do it now.. maybe later I will.  Oddly I think at 5 years off I was still posting my all at the topix site I could send you there to see it but has all been taken down.  

 

Your not alone in having symptoms this far out Petu and I think having any upset in the family is part of what causes the fallout as I have had plenty of that fallout for the same reasons.  I know it catches me off guard too to be set back so far so fast and I do wonder about my brain why it has not built a wall against this by now.  

 

I too have watched people go thru illnesses some very bad ones like cancer and they have recovered and go on with life I am still messing about with this day in day out. Now it is reactions to simple things and multiple chemical sensitivities and who knows what is next... don't be bleak I tell myself.. nobody needs that especially when in a wave of negativity ... but man oh man... it gets so old.. so very very old. It no longer matters to me why I am so slow healing if the car accident made it go on longer if taking meds to heal pneumonia makes it go on longer I just want it done.. 

 

I get the anger I get the being too young for the thoughts you have I get it all... sorry I am not saying but I am kind of sick of hearing myself after all these years... it seems to be a broken record tho I know the colour of the stage may have shifted it is not done... I want it done. Trusting that it is done after all this would take me what another years after I was done... I am beginning to doubt there is an end to this.. and that will get me painted black here... so I had better go away.  Thoughts like that keep from posting much when I have something good to say I will say it.  

 

When I know I am done I will write the most colourful success story you have ever heard I am just no writing it yet. Sorry if I am too bleak... I do wish you peace

[Petunia]

Huge (((((((hugs)))))) everyone, thank you for posting with support and encouragement. Its difficult to write, when I'm not feeling well, my programmed expectation is that I will get a negative response, so its always a relief and pleasant surprise to see the opposite.

 

Thankfully, yesterday I started feeling a little better earlier in the day and today has seen more improvement. I woke suddenly just after 4am with a few adrenaline surges, from a bad dream I think and thought that was going to be it for sleep, but surprisingly I went back to sleep and woke again just before 8am, which was wonderful, I rarely sleep much past 5am usually.

 

The extreme fatigue has lifted too. I don't know if this wave is over or I've just got a temporary respite from it, but whatever it is, I'm enjoying the break and appreciating the peacefulness in my body and mind.

 

BTDT, thank you for writing and its ok, not too bleak at all, I know you have been going through this so much longer than me, knowing that you are still here with us, keeping going everyday, hoping for a better tomorrow, like all of us somehow adds to my strength when I don't have much of my own. You are an inspiration to me and you of all people deserve the recovery and peace you wish for others.

 

 

Petunia I'm just wondering, do you still take vitamin c?

 

Yes, but I've cut it down from what I started with. I only take 2000mg now.

 

I've actually cut down or stopped most of my supplements and am considering trying completely supplement free for a while to see if it makes any difference.

 

This is what I currently take: Mag Citrate 200mg, Extended release Vit C 1000mg x 2, 1/4 recommended dose of a mixed supplement for joint health, garlic, ginger and turmeric.

 

I recently stopped taking inositol, it was down to one teaspoon at night and I didn't feel like it was doing much apart from perhaps causing some GI upset occasionally.

 

With supplements, what I've found is that when I've discovered something which has helped, initially, the positive effects have diminished or stopped suddenly and possibly have then had a reverse effect. This sadly happened with L-Theanine. At first it seemed like a miracle, it was having an almost drug-like effect, perhaps that should have been a warning. But the last few times I tried it... nothing.

 

I'm having a green smoothie about every second day. I add a few nuts for extra protein, stevia for sweetness, sometimes some pea protein and kale, spinach, mixed sprouted seeds, celery. Banana, blueberries, parsley. I change things around a little, depending on what I have available. I also use a little meal replacement formula called 'Ultra Meal', not sure, but I think I wrote about it previously.

 

When I'm feeling really bad, like I have been recently, I can't face eating much more than plain toast, drinking nothing but water. Getting anything down is difficult. But I'm hungry again now and things are tasting ok again, so bye bye wave, you wont be missed

 

Oh, one more thing, I almost forgot, I stopped eating meat. It wasn't intentional, but the thought of it was becoming very unappealing. Fish is ok though. I'm getting most of my protein now from nuts, seeds, beans, eggs and some cheese.

[mammaP]

Hi Petu, just catching up here and it is good to see that you have a window after such an awful wave and so much stress with your mum being ill. I hope you are still in the window and hope mum is ok.  (((( hugs )))

[Celeste]

Hey Petunia. This is the first time I got to catch up with your thread but just wanted to thank you for the support on mine. Seems like you're emerging from a pretty bad wave..so sorry you had to endure it but glad it's letting up. I'm still riding one out myself...it's extremely rough. Hope you catch a good window soon. Hugs. -C

[btdt]

Just checking guess your ok  

peace

[Hibari]

Oh, one more thing, I almost forgot, I stopped eating meat. It wasn't intentional, but the thought of it was becoming very unappealing. Fish is ok though. I'm getting most of my protein now from nuts, seeds, beans, eggs and some cheese. 

 

Hi Petunia,  I hope you are feeling better.  I wanted to say that when I switched over to a vegetarian diet a few years, also organically, I went through period where I felt sick and down.  I was told that I was detoxing from all the meat and chicken.  I don't know if that is the case with you but I wanted to pass it on.  It eventually went away though I was much more tired than I normally had been (this was all pre-depression and pre-meds.   I'm no longer a vegetarian but now find myself moving that way again as I taper.  

 

Wishing you some serenity.

[Petunia]

I’ve been away from the site for a while.  Thank you to whoever posted on my thread while I was away.

 

I wish I could say I’ve been away because I’m recovered and have been busy with my life, but that’s not the reason.

 

Since Christmas, it’s just been one stressful thing after another, which has had me in what feels like an ongoing wave with only a few days here and there where I’ve been at my much improved baseline.

 

I’ve been so sick again that I haven’t had the emotional resources to help anyone else and didn’t want to come here and just be posting about my own misery, there’s enough of that in my thread already. It’s easier to just say that I’ve had a return of symptoms which had gone away and they are lasting longer through the day again now.

 

Early last week my computer broke, and I had to get a new one. That was also a source of stress, trying to figure out what to do and make decisions about what to buy. I’ve also got internet problems now too and keep losing the connection. I just wrote a long post here and lost it when I tried to post it, so I’m trying again now, but can’t remember what I wrote. I vaguely do, but don’t feel like I have enough energy to re-create it but I'll try.

 

I’m coming up to 3 years drug free. Three years of doing what I should be doing to support recovery and I’m still spending most of my time on my bed, desperately trying to find distractions from the intensely uncomfortable sensations my body is producing through the majority of the day.

 

It’s like I’m permanently wired to a torture machine and the power starts cranking up around 5am, beginning with small surges of current, getting stronger and stronger until it reaches its peak around 8am.  From that point on, I start watching the time, knowing that it’s probably not going to get any worse (although it sometimes does) and relying on the knowledge that it’s going to start getting better, to keep me sane until it does start letting up for the day.

 

If I ever write a book about the experience of recovery from protracted withdrawal, I will call it ‘Impending Doom’, because that has been my constant companion throughout this journey. Sometimes its presence occupies my whole awareness, other times it fades into the background, like the soundtrack of a horror movie.

 

My 3 year anniversary of being drug free is approaching fast, I've been reading back through my personal journal, from around the time before, and when I found this site. I learned that I was actually taking a lot more Xanax than I remembered. I knew I took it daily for a couple of months during 2012, but I didn't know I was also taking it daily in early 2013, quite enough to cause a physical dependence and a second withdrawal syndrome, which I think is called kindling.

 

After enduring this for so long, I regularly feel like I’m losing hope of it ever ending, for the ordeal to be over and not come back. The eleven day window I had late last year was enough evidence for me to know it’s possible for this body to function normally, but everything beyond that is a big question mark, and no one has any definitive answers.

 

Over the last year I've become more and more discouraged because of the slow rate of my recovery, often feeling like I've made no progress at all, especially when the waves keep coming with only a day or two here and there where I come back up to an improved baseline. But reading my journal from early 2013 gave me some clues about why I might be taking so long. I was very confused about why I wasn't getting better. My life was finally free from housing, relationship and financial problems, I should have been happy and healthy, free to get on with the rest of my life, but I was getting sicker and I kept swallowing down various pills, trying to get my brain chemistry 'right', so that I could keep functioning the way I thought I should be.

 

I was still causing damage, worse damage than what I'd been doing by taking a daily regular dose of an SSRI for 13 years. In the face of what I understand now, its embarrassing and also shocking to realize what I did to myself, its hard to accept that my doctors didn't know and I didn't know and there really wasn't anyone who had a clue what was going on, but those dangerous brain damaging pills were and still are being handed outS like aspirin.

 

I'm a little bit excited tonight. Tomorrow I'm starting a week long test of something related to heart rate, stress levels and recovery from stress. My daughter has some of these devices as part of a research project, she wore one for a week and collected the data. She asked me if I wanted to be a subject and of course I jumped at the chance.  I don't completely understand how it works, but you wear it all the time, journal about your activities and it collects physical data related to changing levels of stress and it picks up when you go into recovery from stress, which generally takes place at night. So I'm going to find out if my stress levels are actually elevated and if I'm managing to get into the stage of sleep where recovery is happening.

 

There has been something very interesting in the data she has collected so far and its related to alcohol. The results show that on the evenings where people drink, even as little as one drink, it takes about 2 hours longer after the beginning of sleep for the body to go into recovery mode. The body continues to be under stress while processing the alcohol and can't begin recovery from the days stress until its metabolized. So I guess there's another reason to give up alcohol while trying to recover.... from anything really.

[btdt]

I would like to make one comment about the test your doing as I have a story don't I always... 

 

After I had the SAR to prozac I was sent for a sleep deprived EMG I had to stay awake all night then go for the test.  During the test I was awake never slept at all.  After the test the tech came in and said "Did you have a nice nap?" I said I did not sleep at all she said my brain was sleeping. 

 

When at the doc who ordered the test he said I was not getting Delta wave sleep which is the most restorative I think.  I had not taken any other Ad drugs at that time.  I talked about this on PP to a lady named... hmm I iwow or something like that she had a test too and was told she has sleep state misperception... so we had another name for what may be the same thing.  I could not sleep after the SAR and found that two years after I was upright sitting or standing for only 2 hours out of a day... I leaned that by watching as I had to fill in a form for a pain clinic I was in pain... at the pain clinic I was given amitriptyline... actually the pain specialist said I had to start it before going into the program as I had gone too long without sleep and needed a decent baseline before going in.  I took 10mg the first pill I slept all night thru the next day... I stayed on it for a time but found the problems were I had to take it right after dinner if I were going to get up the next day and I could not see an hour after taking it my vision was too blurry for tv or reading.. so I went to bed. Side effects improved but I was tired and could not rise to the demands of my life zoloft was added... that is another story. 

 

Not getting delta wave sleep I think is related to chronic fatigue/fibro that was my dx at the pain clinic I am very curious about your experiment.

 

All that said I understand where you are I think I was about the same place at 3 years lets hope you can sail right by me... 

I wish you peace

[Petunia]

Thanks for sharing your story BT.

 

Just some more information about this test/analysis I'm doing. Here's a link for anyone who's interested:  https://www.firstbeat.com/en/wellness-services/individual-wellbeing/

 

Today is day 4 of wearing the monitor. I've been trying to do a bit more variety of activities than I usually do, to find out what actually may be helping and what is causing more stress. Exercise has been a confusing issue for me because sometimes I can do a little and feel fine, good almost. But on other days, doing the same thing causes symptoms which make me have to stop, then I generally feel worse for a couple of days.

 

So far with the monitor on, I've done 2 different kinds of exercise, both times I felt ok, so I'm interested to see what they look like in the analysis. I've had some episodes of panic and adrenaline rushes and one night of very disturbed sleep with lots of panic/waking, so I'm hoping that will show up.

 

I'm also planning on visiting my parents during the test period, because that often feels very stressful, so I will find out if it does actually increase stress.

 

I'm really grateful to have this opportunity just fall in my lap because there's no way I'm able to go out and source this kind of thing for myself.

[dalsaan]

Hi Petu,

 

I hope this test proves productive in your recovery.

 

take care

 

Dx

[btdt]

Since it is you daughter who has the equipment I wonder if it would be possible to wear it when till you get a time when exercise is not possible.. just wonder because I am exactly the same some times I can and other times forget about it.  I do not see any reason for the difference noting tangible maybe if you have a chance to wear it in both states something will be learned.  Yes I am being self serving.. I can't help it I turn every stone and would harass strangers if I thought I would find a clue that way... sorry I feel cheap now... but I still want you to try if you ... my what have I become... 

 

peace Petu just ignore this if it bugs you it bugs me now but not enough to delete it. 

grrr

[Cherry47]

Hi Petu,

 

Something good will come out of this for you for sure - just to know you have started down a new track for a start!

[Petunia]

Thanks D and Cherry, I'm almost at the end of my test period and already its been beneficial, I've pushed myself to do a little more than usual and think I've felt better because of it. I even had a very windowish day yesterday and by mid-afternoon had sort of forgotten that I'm sick because I was feeling so much like a normal person. I was able to easily flow from one activity to the next without feeling like I needed to collapse in between and rest for an hour. I even managed to do some grocery shopping with a list of more than 10 items, get it all and come home and put it away in the right places...without feeling exhausted.

 

But today is back to elevated symptoms and a bad morning, but that's ok. I'm really looking forward to seeing my data readout to find out if I'm actually recovering from stress like normal people, or not. It feels like I don't because I feel all the signs of elevated stress for the majority of the day, even when I'm doing mostly nothing stressful, and my sleep quantity and quality is still nowhere near what would be considered normal or healthy. I've gone through stages where its been better, but at the moment its pretty bad again. I'm waking frequently through the night with adreneline surges and starting from about 5am they get quite intense, waking me about every 20 minutes or so, but I've learned how to calm down and go back to a kind of light sleep, but I'm sure it not very restorative to have this happening so much. Being able to see this on paper (a screen) will at least give me some proof I'm not imagining things and a reason why perhaps I'm taking so long to recover.

 

btdt, nothing you wrote bugs me, its nice that you're interested. I agree it would be good if I could hang onto a monitor so I can test myself when I go through a bad wave and also a real window. So far this week I haven't had a bad reaction to exercise, I also felt fairly relaxed at my parents house, although I did have a spike in anxiety while I was thinking about going there. Hopefully I will get enough data from this one week to give me some clues about what's going on and how I might be able to adjust my activities to increase recovery periods.

[apace41]

I even had a very windowish day yesterday and by mid-afternoon had sort of forgotten that I'm sick because I was feeling so much like a normal person. I was able to easily flow from one activity to the next without feeling like I needed to collapse in between and rest for an hour. I even managed to do some grocery shopping with a list of more than 10 items, get it all and come home and put it away in the right places...without feeling exhausted.

 

Petu,

 

While I'm glad you will have some data to help guide you on the remainder of your journey, the above-quoted language is all I really want to focus on.  The rest of it is "white noise."  This is the sign that you are healing and will continue to heal.

 

So glad you had a good day yesterday.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[btdt]

I am glad it did not bug you and that you had a better day peace Petu

[Petunia]

Thank you BT, and also Andy for highlighting what's important, that I'm healing. Yes, I guess I am, but even so I'm about to dwell on a bit more 'white noise' I think. Its all part of the landscape and for me seems to play a part in helping me get through the days.

 

So its been a week since I got my firstbeat test results and they were surprising in one way and puzzling in another way.

 

The biggest relief I got was seeing that I'm achieving the recovery stage of sleep at night and I'm getting quite a bit of it, more than I expected....but its still not enough. I don't sleep enough hours, my average is 6 hours per night. So I'm not sleeping enough and I'm not getting enough recovery during sleep. But even when I do sleep long enough, there was one night when I got over 7 hours, that was enough sleep, but I didn't get enough recovery during that time.

 

My stress levels are fairly high during the day, even though I don't do much and definitely not anything which would normally be called stressful. So my stress is still higher than my recovery and my results show that I'm not getting enough recovery for the amount of stress I experience through the day. So that makes sense and explains why I'm taking so long to recover.

 

The biggest surprise was that my stress response is higher during the afternoons, when I'm actually feeling better and when I'm at my worst feeling times in the morning, my stress levels are lower. In fact on my worst morning of the week when I couldn't do anything but lay on my bed breathing, shaking and having toxic naps, my results showed that I was actually in recovery mode through some of that. What feels to me as high stress is in fact low stress. I also get more recovery at night during the early morning period which feels to me like the most disturbed sleep and when my cortisol levels start to rise.

 

There were no clear patterns between stress, recovery, exercise and various activities I did. It all seemed to be tied to my own inner daily cycles and sleep.

 

Another interesting thing was that it detected my light exercise as being moderate exercise. I thought my gentle walking around the park wouldn't even register at all, but it was recorded as moderate exercise.

 

My stress levels increase when I play computer games and they decrease and go into recovery mode when I listen to audio talks, guided meditations and satsangs in the evening.... no visuals, just audio.

 

So what I've concluded from this is that there's not really anything I can do apart from try and get more sleep and even if it feels like toxic sleep or disturbed sleep, its still helping me to recover. Also, I've realized that when I'm feeling the worst, that's probably when more healing is happening. My morning surges of adreneline and waves of heat coincide with the lowest levels of stress response, which is the exact opposite of what I would have expected.

 

It would have been good to see what the data would have been like for this week while I've been dealing with a lot of external stress.

 

I've had a difficult week.

 

Our internet connection suddenly started dropping out in crazy patterns for no apparent reason. I was dealing with it a couple of weeks ago and managed to get it fixed via phone. I struggle terribly with having to deal with this kind of thing now. The worst are technical things because I can no longer get my head around anything even a little bit cognitively challenging. I'm slightly better than I was 3 years ago and I do have my better days, but in general I still struggle with getting things out of packaging, reading instructions, finding on/off buttons. So having to make a phone call and discuss something technical with someone at a call center who has an accent I can hardly understand anyway is a nightmare at the moment.

 

I went through it all a couple of weeks ago and was proud of myself for managing to understand and follow all the instructions and have the problem, whatever it was fixed. It seemed to be ok for a few days, but then started dropping out again and getting worse and worse. So I resigned myself to making another call and from that point, the ordeal has been getting worse and worse. I think its probably quite common with companies who have bad technical support, call centers in another country and no communication between various departments. I've been getting the run around for 2 weeks now. Eventually a field technician was sent out, which was also difficult to deal with. But he arrived, ran some tests and disconnected all my phone sockets apart from one and told me I have to have my modem/router thing in the living room because all the other points were faulty. He assured me that it would fix the problem then left and closed my ticket. Of course a few hours later it started dropping out again... worse than ever. .. and now I only have one working phone socket in the house and the router in the living room rather than the study where I want it. So I had to start all over again, from the beginning. Wait on hold for a long time then start explaining it all over again to a new person and go through all the tests etc. All the time struggling to understand what was being said because of the accent. My hearing has deteriorated anyway because of withdrawal, so this was very difficult.

 

A few days worth of calls and sms messages and contradicting information and changed plans and now I'm waiting for someone else to come out next week. In the meantime I've been on a support forum trying to get some help, trying to learn what might actually be going on and what I should do to get some real help. It seems that a lot of people with my ISP have the same kinds of issues trying to get help when things go wrong, there are some real horror stories on there, people not in withdrawal get pushed to their limits trying to get these issues fixed, one poor person was going through it for 3 months before they got their problem fixed properly. The infrastructure here in Australia for phone and internet is very bad compared with the rest of the developed world.

 

So this whole week I've been getting more and more stressed out, not knowing when I'm going to lose the connection, if it will come back, how long it will take. Its not just me either, my daughter has been trying to mark uni assignments online this week, she has a deadline to get it done and has been struggling. I feel bad that I can't provide decent internet for her and get the problem fixed. I've been trying to understand the information and advice I've been getting from the forum, but my brain just doesn't work the way it used to, then when I can't understand things or do what people suggest, my anxiety goes through the roof. I used to be able to do this stuff, but now I've got brain damage and can't figure things out any more, its frightening and I don't have anyone else to help me with this now.

 

Yesterday was the last straw. The connection went down and didn't come back. Usually the lights on the modem come back in a particular order so even though its frustrating, I know its going to come back eventually. But for some reason they came back in the wrong order and one never came back at all. I restarted it several times and it didn't work. So I looked for the manual in all the places I might have put it when we first moved. It wasn't with all my other instructions manuals or in the box or anywhere else. It wasn't anywhere. I had the manuals for everything else, but not that. And I couldn't get online to download one because... well I needed the modem to work for that.  Lexapro and withdrawal has ruined my eyesight so reading the little icons and words on the modem was impossible, even with a bright light and my reading glasses, so I just took a guess and started pressing the various buttons on the back of it. Miraculously, something I did worked because the last light came on. So I quickly downloaded a manual for 'next time' and read through it. Somehow the wireless setting had been turned off. But that didn't make sense either because no one had touched it.

 

Today has been better, its only dropped out 6 times and I haven't had to talk with anyone, over the phone or otherwise, so I've calmed down now.

 

I really hate this... how I've become so dependent on something I have little control over. A few years ago, losing the internet would have been a minor inconvenience. I could do other things and felt capable of getting help, of figuring things out, solving problems. Life was an exciting challenge, not a terrifying life or death test of survival. That's what everything feels like now.

 

One thing I managed to accomplish yesterday, with some very detailed instructions was access the router through my computer, run its stats and copy them to the forum for an analysis. I was told there's a problem in the line between my house and the exchange, poor quality or deteriorated cabling. I also managed to change the password. Apparently I should have done that when I first set it up, any drive by hacker could have got into it. But it came already set up, so I didn't even know how to access it.  I used to know how to do that, because I'd set one up years ago, but not any more.

 

When we first moved and I was in worse withdrawal than I am now, and I tried to get the phone and internet working, the internet would drop out whenever someone used the phone. So I tried to get help with that. I was told to get a standard phone and connect that and then listen for noise on the line. So I bought a cheap phone from the grocery store. But when I got home I couldn't even get it out of the box and plug it in. So for 3 years I haven't had a home phone connected even though I pay for the line and service.

 

This week has really been testing my sanity. Its so puzzling why it works fine for hours at a time and then suddenly will drop out every few minutes for a few hours, then be fine again. It doesn't seem to be connected with anything, not the time of the day, the weather, what sites anyone visits, how many devices are connected, I can't find any pattern at all. Sometimes, when I lose the connection, my wi fi will locate a bunch of strange, random signals with assorted names like grid and a string of numbers or letters. Sometimes it will locate what I assume are other networks in the area, but it never did that before. It only does this sometimes. Then sometimes I will get a message saying there's an IP conflict, but only sometimes. All these random anomalies keep happening and nothing makes sense, it makes me feel like I'm losing touch with reality even more than I already have. I can't fix it and so far I haven't been able to get any help. So I'm just waiting for my appointment next week with a 'senior' engineer.

 

But today has been better with only minimal drop outs and no new problems. Its been gently raining most of the day. Gentle rain makes me feel calmer these days, I prefer winter now because there's less pressure to get outside and make the most out of life. Its easier to accept my own non-life during the winter months.

[btdt]

Oh Petu... oh my dear friend this is where I lived a  long part of my life right where you are. Once again you put into words my life it will ease then come back.  I am waiting to see if you will reach the time frame in which I had a car accident to see if that really is a contributing factor in my timeline of healing from this. I know it sounds cold but I am. 

 

About the test what a great opportunity the results are interesting... on many different levels. So many of the things we think were true have been challenged... I would love to try it.

 

There are some well maybe only me.. but I think there are others who had the opposite effect from benzos post wd... I think this plays into you test results if some things are doing the exact opposite of what we expect.  I can think of a few instances this has come into play for me.. hyper on mag in early days and then it changed did the opposite and now is calming but only is low low doses.

 

Maybe we all need a machine to monitor our bodies so we know what to do when... as we know this changes.  Supplements that were horrid for people early on helped at later stages... vitamins that helped turn on you and cause a reaction... that old rubics cube is dancing up a storm ... No wonder we have such a difficult time trying to sort anything out in wd it is constantly changing even tho there are stages which feel stable and well.  No wonder scientists who want to help can't say one size fits all do this but and people here have to put a caution on anything you try... try a small bit and see how it feels.

 

It seems to me the only thing that hold true thru it all is deep relaxation if you can get there maybe gentle walking when you can quiet... low input on whatever is triggering your symptoms at the time. Till it shits.

 

I too depended a lot on the internet for human connection especially any authentic truthful connection... all through this wd process... and have had to do without computers connections and at times any groups... it is a rough go. My hats if off to you for working so hard to see this repair though best you can. We had to have underground wires replaced at one point but it did take months of poor internet to get there.  I have the same issues with strain from what use to be small things and had my hearing tested and have hearing loss in one ear. I still wonder if it is a wd symptom that will fix itself as stuff like that does happen.

 

There have been times where I was forced offline and looking back I think it may have been a good thing ..maybe...it sure did not feel like a good thing at the time.

 

It will shift Petu it will everything passes good bad indifferent it will pass that is one of the laws of the universe I think as it is the only thing that holds true for me.. and everything changes. same thing maybe

 

I think too that having a unpredictable internet something you rely on is like wd ... and a bit too much as wd causes our body and brain to be just the same something you need that is offering up unpredictable and overwhelming results... too much the same.. type of crap if you know what I mean.  Time for simple things like colouring clay work... something simple to counter balance the disruption of the warped world and bring back some other truly basic laws of the universe... white noise is a good start... any water that moves is one of my go tos.  

 

These test results are very interesting and now that we know them maybe it does not sound so strange but it seems we are missing something I don't know what. 

 

I don't have any advice as you have heard all I could say I am sure.  I am glad your hear and I so appreciate what you bring to this site and would like to say thank you. 

 

I wish you peace

[btdt]

One last word as I forgot to say this at least you did not get paranoid about it think pharma messing with your wd site access... yes I did I went there. 

[grandmaD]

Thanks so much for your update.  I found it interesting that pretty much none of it made much sense to how you actually felt and so on!  Not surprising, because nothing about w/d makes any sense!

 

If the results are accurate, I find it encouraging to know that even if we think we are having a crap sleep, that we can still be recovering during that time!  I woke every hour the night before last and felt like I had no sleep at all because it takes a while to get back to sleep.  I would average 6 hours on a good night, same as you.

 

I came to the conclusion that the answer is to rest and relax AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.  I used to be on the go pre w/d and for the first 4 years of slow tapering I kept pushing myself.  In the last 6 months I have MADE MYSELF go outside for morning tea and afternoon tea and sit in the sun and LEARN TO ENJOY IT for half an hour!

When I am not coping I have a morning rest for an hour and I have always had an afternoon rest for an hour.  I am quite sure the EXTRA rests/sitting does help. 

 

Like you I cope much better if I stick to a basic routine, doing as least as possible.  Anything out of that, I pay for - like that night of waking every hour, despite being totally exhausted and thinking I could fall asleep quickly and stay asleep all night!

 

One thing I learned from your post was that I probably need to watch when I am stressed and stop doing what I am doing as I still tend to push myself.  I do know the computer makes the vibrations in my head worse and I have now started not to be on it 3-4 hours before bed.  I think it is the lights in it, though it is turned down quite dark.

 

Oh, my goodness with computers!   A quick way to losing it!  Thank goodness my husband takes care of that.  We got the NBN on and he had 4 routers they kept sending because it dropped out.  Their technical support was pathetic, like you experienced.  They kept him on the phone for ages or never rang back, and son on.  We had signed a contract with them and all,but thank goodness when he said enough is enough, they agreed to let us off the hook for the rest of the money.  He went and bought a router from a local guy (we are in a small country town) and now it is great.  I hope it gets sorted out for you!

[Petunia]

Thanks grandmaD, I'm glad my post was helpful, I hope you have been having some better days lately.

 

 

One last word as I forgot to say this at least you did not get paranoid about it think pharma messing with your wd site access... yes I did I went there. 

 

BT, believe me, I've had some crazy paranoid thoughts through the last few years, I would fit in well with the tin foil hat brigade at times

 

 

I can't seem to remember things from my immediate past, like, I can't call up the details of things which have happened over the last few years, not in the way they actually happened anyway, when I read about the events... well, its just weird, my current memory is completely different from what I actually wrote.
 
But what's more frightening is that I can't seem to remember clearly how various things are effecting me from day to day, my reality keeps changing... well obviously, I'm in withdrawal, but what I mean is, I seem to be making changes without being aware that I'm actually doing it. Like I'm now not taking any sustained vitamin C at night and I'm only taking about 4000mg through the day. But I don't remember making the decision to do that and I didn't document it. But from reading back through my thread I can see that I was doing better when I took it at night and was taking a total of 8000mg a day.

 
... and even after noticing this and getting back on a higher dose, I did it again without realizing. I stopped taking something which was proving to be be helpful.
 
6000mg - 8000mg of vitamin c taken throughout the day and night was obviously speeding up my recovery, even though I was still having the occasional wavy day or two. But once again I sabotaged myself and by early this year I was only taking 1000mg at night and getting worse. This year so far has been much worse than the second half of last year, but luckily I stumbled back onto the vitamin C thread here, was reminded of it and got myself back on a high dose spread throughout the day. Once again the improvement has been remarkable.
 
Here's the link to my update on the Vit C topic:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/40-vitamin-c-ascorbic-acid-or-ascorbate/?p=231713
 
________________________________________________________________
 
I've been avoiding my thread and SA in general lately, mostly because I've felt so awful and despondent because I've felt worse this year than I did towards the end of last year and I was beginning to lose hope. I've been more vulnerable to stress, taking longer and longer to bounce back each time something difficult has happened. No real windows and more waves than being at baseline, even though my baseline is higher than it was a year ago.
 
When I did get some relief from the high anxiety states, I would more often than not find myself plunged into what I can only assume was a state similar to clinical depression where my body felt physically calmer, but I had no reason or motivation to do anything and condemning myself mercilessly for being this way.
 
I was getting close to giving up, not that I really know what that would mean, because I wasn't actively suicidal, but I was really losing hope of ever being able to get well.
 
But since reinstating at the high vitamin C doses, just like previously, I've bounced back and I could repeat word for word some of the posts I made previously when it started to help.
 
I'm a bit more educated about it now and understand why I have to keep taking it at the highest possible dose that I can tolerate. If I don't take enough, and don't keep taking it, its going to stop working.... and that means increased illness and returning symptoms.
 
I don't like the idea of having to take supplements for the rest of my life, especially not high doses of something, but I think I may be someone who needs to if I'm going to achieve optimal health. I have a suspicion that lack of this vitamin has been what's caused me to be very sensitive and vulnerable to stress my whole life. I've been diagnosed with various auto-immune disorders and they have always flared up at times of increased stress.
 
Adding a daily antidepressant (toxin) into my body for 13 years probably didn't help much either, even though it may have appeared to for a few weeks initially. Its numbing effect may have protected me from some of the emotional extremes of stress through those years, but long term, I think its been slowly breaking down my immune system, weakening my own defenses more than than they already were.
 
I'm going to try and increase my nutrition levels through food too,  and have ordered a juicer which can handle leafy greens, along with other vegetables. Smoothies are great, but there's only so much vegetables you can fit into one big glass and get down. I get full quickly, it will be much easier to to get more vitamins if I start juicing my veggies and now that I'm feeling better (again), I'm feeling enthusiastic about it and cognitively capable.

[AliG]

Hi Petunia.           You are sounding much better . I'm really happy for you . The supplemental  vitamin C seems to help you quite a bit . I remember when you were trying it last year ( I think ) and were doing so well.  I tend to sabotage myself as well - is that a withdrawal symptom ? LOL.  I hope it keeps up for you and I think the juicing is a great idea !  I do green smoothies and I think they help generally. It's all your vitamins in one hit but I think the chlorophyll from the greens with juice or a smoothie is what you can't get in a pill !

[servadei]

Hi Petu, I'm glad vitamin C is working for you! Please share some smoothie recipes when you get the juicer!

[brassmonkey]

Hi Petu--  I'm so glad things are looking up.  This is such a roller coaster ride.  The ups and downs are tough but it all levels out in the end.  I found that as things improved I took them harder because my mind could understand the situation more clearly. Tough dichotomy to deal with.

 

((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

[btdt]

".. and even after noticing this and getting back on a higher dose, I did it again without realizing. I stopped taking something which was proving to be be helpful."

 

I don't think we do this on purpose it is a memory problem or brain issue that is what I really think.. like a clutch in a car is slipping... please be kind to yourself.  

 

Are you buying the type of juicer that pulverises the veggie or the one that extracts the juice?  I did juicing for a long time and found it helpful extracting not the other but have tried both... I can't seem to stomach the pulverised one... son's gf broke my juicer and he gave her the pulverising type as a gift I am not allowed to use it ...but did once to see... my stomach can't handle it. 

 

when we know better we do better till our brain clutch slips... I think this is how it is for those of us that have to do this alone we screw up but we can't help it

 

I can certainly validate this...

 

"When I did get some relief from the high anxiety states, I would more often than not find myself plunged into what I can only assume was a state similar to clinical depression where my body felt physically calmer, but I had no reason or motivation to do anything and condemning myself mercilessly for being this way.

 
I was getting close to giving up, not that I really know what that would mean, because I wasn't actively suicidal, but I was really losing hope of ever being able to get well."

 

 

I know this exactly and this along with a wk in bed where I really could not get up started me on the supplement road something I have mostly resisted for years.. now I am trying Vit C slow start tho... 

 

Thanks Petu wishing you peace

[grandmaD]

Petunia and btdt I find this anxiety/depression swing very interesting because I think this is what I am now experiencing.  Like you, I was getting these days that I felt very low, despondent, heavy and weak in body and dull and heavy in head and on those days I felt suicidal.  It was having those thoughts that really brought me to my senses, because the previous day I was okay, so I got sus about it and disregarded them.

 

The other thing I thought it could be was the days I used to regularly get a 3 day migraine every week, but now I was just having this low, heavy feeling and ;not the pain of the migraine.  I actually now do welcome these days, even though I feel like a dead person walking, I also feel more calm.

 

I am beginning to notice now that after that comes the high anxiety and stress and insomnia and so on, which I find so hard to live with! 

 

I am now beginning to hope my body is trying to get stable, swinging between the two and hopefully, eventually it will even out!!  I hope this goes for you guys as well.

[Petunia]

Thanks everyone for your comments and sorry for disappearing, but I've been struggling to overcome crushed hopes again, recovering from another round of disappointment. But all is not lost, I'm still here, juicing almost daily and realizing that a year ago I wouldn't have been capable of buying the appliance, figuring out how to use it or even have the energy or stamina to prepare the fruit and veg to put in it.

 

The last couple of weeks has been very confusing and its left me gasping for air (not literally) as I've been hanging on, trying to figure out what happened. It was just a window, something I haven't had for 7 months, so it didn't occur to me.

 

The timeline was something like this... start the vitamin C tolerance test.... feel an immediate decrease in WD symptoms... continue with daily high dose the following day with an almost absence of any WD symptoms.

 

Then symptoms of a bad head cold kicked in, which I knew was a cold, because my daughter had just had it. It got pretty uncomfortable for a few days, lots of head pain and not much sleep, but I was so happy because there was no WD. I was a normal person with a cold. The day my juicer arrived I was in the worse stage of the cold, raging migraine, swollen, sore, irritated sinuses, sneezing, fatigue. But I was happy and excited, I took one aspirin to take the edge off the headache and went and bought a few veggies to juice. I remember what it felt like to be in the grocery store, feeling like a normal person again. My brain was working properly and I was able to make decisions easily, based on imagining a positive outcome for each possibility. Its impossible to put into words now, but I had myself back and in spite of being sick with a cold, I was happy. But the point is, I was attributing it to the high doses of vitamin C..... I finally had some control back in my life.... I could fix this thing.

 

Now all I had to do was wait until my cold went away and I could get on with the rest of my life... a new chapter was about to begin and it felt like an exciting adventure.

 

But last Tuesday afternoon, I crashed. The worst of my cold was over, I was just about to head out to my local organic produce market to buy some really good stuff to juice and the 'demon' reappeared. It manifested as a sudden drop in mood a wave of anxiety and an overwhelming reluctance to follow through with my plans. Confusion, shock and then denial.... no, this wasn't happening, it was my imagination, I would ignore it and go do what I had planned anyway.

 

But it got worse. At the store I couldn't think properly, nothing was making sense again, I couldn't make decisions. Even though I had a list, nothing was connecting properly. I was putting stuff in my basket and taking it out again, not having a clue what I was doing or trying to achieve. Eventually I got out of there with some stuff, but I was still confused and in denial about what was happening.

 

Its taken a week to come to terms with this (again). I'm not fixed, but still taking 12g of vitamin C spread through the day and still juicing.

 

Its been difficult to tease apart the returning WD symptoms from the normal emotional reaction to having them return, its felt like a tsunami, then being dragged to the bottom of the ocean by hopelessness, but I've slowly been floating to the surface. It seemed worse than it was before, but its not.

 

Perhaps there were too many changes, my poor NS was shocked at the sudden influx of high density nutrients. I had also been experimenting with raw, vegan food and had made a raw pumpkin soup. I still struggle with believing this is real, I mean, how can I be feeling fine one day, just like my old self and then suddenly turn into a defective, barely functioning creature with half a brain and a body that keeps glitching out.

 

So its back to the hell mornings.... which had stopped, and back to the waiting, waiting, waiting until I can get up out of bed to do things. Waiting to feel better, waiting to become human again and thankfully it still happens eventually, every day at some time and at least now I'm not just cycling between anxiety and depression. I was again, for a while, right after the crash, but once again with the relief of symptoms later in the day comes hope.... more acceptance and calm.

 

Its raining again today and I'm enjoying the sound, grateful to be inside in the warm, to have a safe and comfortable home... many people don't. I'm grateful and surprised that I'm now able to stand in the kitchen and cut up fruits and vegetables... two years ago I could barely put a piece of bread in the toaster. I used to force myself to do what I needed to do, but it was excruciating and took all my strength and determination. But now its easier... my will to live is back and I'm slowly regaining my ability to sustain that life in a way that's right for me.

 

This week, while I've been recovering from the crash, I've been exploring the possible real cause of my 'anxiety disorder' and all the other misdiagnoseses I've acquired over the years... and the ones I've labelled myself with.  I've known for a long time that my dysfunctional family has had a negative effect on my emotional development and subsequent poor life choices, and now I've found some more resources which seem to offer some genuine tools for recovery from that.

 

Unresolved trauma is probably the real cause of most of today's 'mental illnesses'. When that trauma occurred in childhood when we were unable to escape, it can cause lasting problems with functioning and relating to other people. But the trauma doesn't have to be physical or extreme. Very few people are raised by perfect parents and much of what gets accepted as 'normal' parenting can be very traumatic to a child, especially if there isn't anyone else they can turn to for comfort, understanding and help... this was me, my childhood wasn't extreme, there was no physical abuse. But I was emotionally abused and neglected and there was no one for me to go to for love, warmth, protection and understanding when I had been emotionally abandoned, which happened often.

 

This culminated in my having to develop my own emotional survival strategies and living with a constant feeling that the world isn't a safe place. Any increase in stress would trigger old childhood wounds and cause overwhelming emotions, which would be very destabilizing, often causing me to act in dysfunctional ways. Ironically, I unconsciously gravitated towards people with personalities similar to my parents, because it felt familiar, bringing more and more traumatic experiences into my life.

 

So now I have complex post traumatic stress disorder, or CPTSD.  But a more appropriate label would end in 'reaction' rather than 'disorder', because its not actually a disorder but a very normal reaction to difficult life experiences. Finding help for this kind of thing is difficult, most therapists don't recognize this and if they do, they are reluctant to attempt to help with it.... its messy therapy.

 

I've found 2 youtube channels and a book, which have put a few more of my own puzzle pieces into place and offered some hope that perhaps there is hope for recovery from some of these deep seated childhood trauma based problems.

 

Here are the links for anyone who is interested in exploring these themes:

 

Richard Grannon: Spartan Life Coach youtube channel

 

Thrive After Abuse

(youtube channel)

 

Book: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA by Pete Walker

 

.... but, there is still withdrawal, and that's something completely different and we all still have to recover from that before tackling the real, underlying cause of our problems whatever they are. I just wish I knew all this before I ever put that first Zoloft pill in my mouth almost 2 decades ago.

 

 

 

Are you buying the type of juicer that pulverises the veggie or the one that extracts the juice?  I did juicing for a long time and found it helpful extracting not the other but have tried both... I can't seem to stomach the pulverised one... son's gf broke my juicer and he gave her the pulverising type as a gift I am not allowed to use it ...but did once to see... my stomach can't handle it. 

 

 

I don't know, its the kind that rotates slowly and does leafy greens as well as fruits.  Its this one:

 

 

I spent ages watching this guy's videos before deciding what to get, he also has two other channels, one for raw foods and one for gardening. I find him very inspiring and wish I could have ordered from him, but had to find an Australian supplier.

 

 

 

The other thing I thought it could be was the days I used to regularly get a 3 day migraine every week, but now I was just having this low, heavy feeling and ;not the pain of the migraine.  I actually now do welcome these days, even though I feel like a dead person walking, I also feel more calm.

 

I am beginning to notice now that after that comes the high anxiety and stress and insomnia and so on, which I find so hard to live with! 

 

I am now beginning to hope my body is trying to get stable, swinging between the two and hopefully, eventually it will even out!!  I hope this goes for you guys as well.

 

Other people have spoken about these swings between anxiety and depression, it seems to be a fairly common part of the recovery process. For the first year or two I only had extreme anxiety type symptoms, so when I suddenly found myself depressed I got scared. Depression is generally not my thing, I've had most experience with anxiety and even though its awful, I'm more accustomed to dealing with it... its a more familiar kind of difficult.

 

Even though depression feels calmer, I still prefer the anxiety. Depression scares me, so I quickly swing back to anxiety, but as I'm getting used to it and learning to accept that its just a feeling, or complete lack of feeling if its manifesting that way, then its getting easier and the swings are not as extreme. I'm actually not swinging between the two at the moment, I'm back to just morning/early afternoon anxiety and afternoon/evening fatigue... where I can do some things in a calm, but slow kind of way.

 

I hope we all even out eventually too, that seems to be what's happening with me.

 

 

  I do green smoothies and I think they help generally. It's all your vitamins in one hit but I think the chlorophyll from the greens with juice or a smoothie is what you can't get in a pill !

 

I think my poor blender must be feeling rejected, I haven't made one smoothie since I got the juicer. I agree, its better to get our nutrition from food, if possible, its not just the vitamins, but enzymes, phyto-chemicals, (whatever they are) and micro-nutrients, all balanced by nature in high quality, fresh fruits and vegetables. My problem is that I can't eat much before I get full, even with smoothies, it would be one kale leaf, half a stick of celery, half a banana, a few nuts mixed in with coconut water or rice milk and I would be full.

 

But with juicing I can consume a lot more and as long as I keep the ratio of vegetables to fruit higher, I'm not getting too much sugar. Its working well, I've been making a jug of juice each afternoon, drinking about a quarter of it right away then drinking the remainder of it through the next 24 hours. I'm getting used to the taste and starting to enjoy it. This might be my imagination, but it seems to give me a bit of a mood boost right after drinking it.

 

 

Hi Petu, I'm glad vitamin C is working for you! Please share some smoothie recipes when you get the juicer!

 

This is what went into yesterday's batch:

Two large sticks of celery including the tops

A bunch of Chinese vegetable, not sure what kind

A bunch of beet stalks and tops

A large carrot

Half a large cuecumber

Quarter of a lemon, including the peel

A cube of fresh ginger

One large green apple

One small pear

Two kiwi fruit

 

 

  I found that as things improved I took them harder because my mind could understand the situation more clearly. Tough dichotomy to deal with.

 

 

Yep, something I've noticed too, but didn't realize it until reading that you experienced the same. As the fog is slowly clearing, the full scope of reality is hitting harder, including just how bad this withdrawal stuff is. But I think its probably just a transition stage and part of the middle levels of the journey because each time I've been in a window and have felt like I was fully recovered, with complete mental clarity restored, there has been none of that difficulty.  I don't know why, maybe its got something to do with having all our cognitive capacity fully back online and working properly, we are able to filter out unnecessary static, or just process it much faster so that it doesn't have a chance to cause problems.

[mammaP]

Hi Petu, what an amazing window you had, but sad that it didn't last for you. I had a similar window a few weeks back and I'm still scratching my head over it because it was not like anything I have experienced that I can remember! I have had some amazing windows that I remember being really happy with and thinking I would stay on x beads forever to feel like that but they didn't last and were actually a bit manic when I think about it.  The last one was real, everything seemed very clear, my head was clear, I swear I could even see and hear clearer! I went to the shops, tidied the house and planted some pots in the garden. I think I slept longer than usual the night before so maybe that is why, and if I could just sleep better everything else would be better?  It lasted one day. Another odd thing was that the tinnitus stopped and I didn't even know I had tinnitus until it wasn't there! A whooshing sound, or low white noise, now I notice it but didn't before. At first I thought how cruel this was, to be offered a taste then have it taken away but changed that thought to having a taster of the delights to come. I thought I was doing okay-ish and with my physical stuff thought I was at the best I could be but was wrong, there is much better to come! 

 

I have thought about juicing, but the machines puzzle me, I've read stuff about them needing to be centifrugal or something to get all the nutrients and no waste because you need the fibre that juicing removes. I have a blender thing that is supposed to make juice but it is really 'gritty' and gives me a sore throat if I don't strain it first and it is so much hassle that it went back in the cupboard. I read too much and get confused because they all say theirs is the best way. I am on a health and fitness forum and they all use the centrifugal  machines that cost over £1000, I can't afford that  . 

 

I'm glad that things are improving for you, you have suffered for so long it's about time you had some relief. 

[apace41]

One of the hardest things, by far, is to acknowledge that being in a window, of any size, means you can go back to that place, hopefully for longer, even when it closes.  The fact that happened for you, Petu, is both energizing -- it tells you that healing can and will occur -- but frustrating -- because it closed and you are more and more able to feel the pain of it closing.

 

I had a similar event this weekend.  I had a pretty good couple of days Saturday and Sunday, feeling more connected, less exhausted and pained, lower dizziness, etc.  Not a full window but a lot better than I had been doing for the past bit.  When Monday morning came and I went back to work and stress, etc., it started closing and by now it's been slammed on my fingers. 

 

Not sure if it's easier to continue to feel bad or to suffer the disappointment of going from better to worse.  It is clearly a better sign that you have windows but the disappointment is surely greater.

 

You are healing Petu.  That is the most important part.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[elbee]

Hi Petunia,

 

I just wanted to drop by your thread, read good portions of it (it's LONG! =] ), and let you know I really enjoy reading your posts you make on other's threads. Thanks for sharing yourself

[Petunia]

Its 5am here on the west coast of Australia and I can't get back to sleep, so I thought I may as well write an update. Its mid-winter and the last few days have been cold. Not cold by northern European standards, but cold none the less, especially because I didn't really have many warm clothes which still fit me...  I've been going out searching for pokemon, getting too cold, but trying to tough it out, now I've got another head cold, but also seem to be in another window   I can't help thinking there's a connection between being sick with a cold/flu and windows.

 

I went out and bought some warm clothes two days ago, it was relatively easy and I was able to take them out of the bags, remove the tags and put them all away the very next day. There have been many times over the last 4 years were if I've been able to go out and buy something, it would sit in its bag for days, sometimes weeks, before I've been recovered enough from the shopping trip for stage two of the process.... unpacking the items.

 

Actually, I was feeling well enough yesterday to not only put the new clothes away, but I sorted through my closet, threw a few things out and did some rearranging. Then I started sneezing, at first I thought it was from dust, but as the day progressed, I realized I have a cold.

 

I'm recovering, its becoming obvious now. There's a big contrast between how I am now and how I was 2 years ago. I would have to psyche myself up for several days in order to stagger around the corner to buy a few groceries. For the whole time I was out, I would be in a state of confusion and terror with my brain and perceptions malfunctioning, making me want to hurry home to safety. Then for the next 24 - 72 hours I would be back, collapsed on my bed, waiting to recover from the stress of it.

 

But at the moment, I'm able to go out and do things back to back, come home, have a little rest and then go back out again. Life is starting to feel exciting again, like there is some point in staying alive..... three years ago, all I could see ahead of me was pain and torment, increasing fear, meaningless suffering and no point to any of it. I wanted to get it over with right then and escape from the agonizing ordeal. But I hung in there, mostly for my daughter and family... and now I'm starting to experience some of the rewards of life again for myself.

 

Perhaps this is another window, if it is, its very close to the last one. I haven't had a morning adrenaline surge for days. Sleep has been a bit disturbed, but by vivid dreams rather than nervous system glitches.... and they haven't been bad dreams either... just a lot going on.

 

I'm still drinking fresh juice every day and taking high dose vitamin C and getting out walking around a bit every day, inspired by the (pokemon) hunt. I'm not sure how much any of this is contributing to my apparent increased rate of recovery lately, it might all just be a coincidence.

 

Its not all rainbows and roses though, I'm still getting some significant pain, especially when I stay physically active for more than a few minutes. Its all on the right side, located in my head, jaw, gums, neck, shoulder and upper back. It doesn't seem to matter what activity I do, just walking for a while is enough to set it off, but I keep going now because I'm getting some emotional rewards for my efforts.... the anhedonia is gone!!!

 

I'm learning how to withstand the intensity of my emotions drug free now, the frustration caused by the inadequate pokemon go (Niantic) servers is giving me lots of practice.

 

Cognitive function is still up and down, but when its been up, I've been able to learn again and I'm retaining more of what I learn now. My learning capacity is still not what it was before withdrawal, but its much better and my confidence is improving, I'm not feeling anywhere near as helpless and vulnerable as I was a while back. I'm also finding I'm able to interact socially for longer periods and its feeling more natural again.

 

I still don't relate to having an individually defined sense of my self, but I'm more comfortable now, functioning from this current experience of what I can only describe as being a comfortable awareness of 'me' as a small part of a wider expansiveness. But paradoxically, for the first time in my life, I'm starting to feel what its like to have my own life 'belong' to me... life is supposed to be a gift, but so far, its mostly felt like a cruel joke at best, a curse at its worst because.... well I'm not sure exactly why, but I have some ideas which mostly relate to my childhood and the kind of family I was raised in. So along side my recovery from antidepressants, I'm also now healing from a lifetime of CPTSD caused by the emotional abuse I experienced in my childhood.... it all seems to be coming together quite nicely now

 

But as I wrote, it might just be another window, which I will crash out of at any moment, but that's ok, because as Andy said, the important thing is that I'm healing... we all are.

 

Thanks also, MammaP and elbee for visiting my thread, and for your comments.