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☼ Petunia: recovering from 13 years of antidepressant use


Petunia

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I think I've set my recovery back by trying to take Seriphos again :(

 

It was ok for the first 2 days, seemed to reduce the morning cortisol by about 50% maybe and in general I was feeling better earlier in the day, but by day 3 I noticed I was getting depressed.  Yesterday, which was day 4, I was getting suicidally depressed and that brought on the panic.

 

So, no Seriphos this morning and the cortisol surge is back, bringing with it all the earlier symptoms.

 

I wrote a really long post yesterday, but then didn't press post, it was too negative and depressing.  I guess I just have to wait for my nervous system to settle down again, it was nice having a few days relief from the the intense morning symptoms, but for me, there is nothing as bad as suicidal depression.  I never experienced that before going on meds.  I would get periods of feeling bored and unmotivated, but only for a day or two and it was never long before something inspired me again.

 

Feeling as bad as I do, I just went for a walk anyway.  There was some new construction noise I heard, so decided to go and see what was happening, took some money to go to the store also.  But honestly, I've never been so DP/DR as I am today, it was like only about 10% of me was actually existing, walking down the street, even now, I can hardly remember the experience of what I did about an hour ago.  This is very frightening, how can just taking a few supplements cause such an intense change in how I'm experiencing life?

 

I'm so glad my daughter has got her license now and can drive herself to work and the train station because feeling like this, I wouldn't trust myself to drive, so many things have stopped making sense again.

 

I can't even remember why I decided to try the Seriphos again.  This time they worked better to reduce the day time cortisol without keeping me awake at night, but now, they seem to be causing depression.  I've noticed that with anything I take which does actually reduce the daytime cortisol, after a day or two, it causes depression.  I have found that with Relora and Inderal.  Why does it have to be one extreme or the other?

 

Maybe that's the underlying issue with withdrawal, a nervous system out of balance, flailing around wildly trying to regain equilibrium and any little push from anything at all, makes even more unstable.

 

I hope I'm feeling better in 3 weeks, I have to go to a family dinner.  Lucky for me, we don't celebrate Thanksgiving here, because I wouldn't make it.  Although I have to admit, when I was healthy, before medication while living in the States, it was my favorite holiday, my ex MIL used to make the most amazing sweet potato pies.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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Dear Petu,

 

please send your posts even when you feel they are too negative and depressing. We all feel like that (too often) and are not able to articulate it so well as you so it would help us.

 

On a trivial note: it seems repairmen are exactly the same all over the world ;) each word you said about them applies here as well!

 

This is the first time I'm reading about Seriphos (in the same way I heard about many things for the first time here).

 

When it comes to your observation that after Serophos obviously reduces anxiety, you end up being depressed, I have to say this 'replacement' of anxiety with depression is what happens to me without Seriphos.

 

Also, I've started thinking some time ago how it seems that we here attribute almost everything happening to us to withdrawal (I ate something that didn't agree with me last week and at first thought it was withdrawal  ;) When I first got so psychologically unwell that I couldn't cope with things myself and had to 'seek professional help' before I was put on ADs, I had exactly that pattern: anxiety would be 'relieved' by depression. So I was 'diagnosed' with 'anxiety-depressive disorder'. (And I wasn't put on meds but received psychotherapy although I myself would sometimes cry out: I can't deal with this any more, please give me something so that this agony stops and I can be my old self again. And my first therapist just focused on talking and ignored my request. The next one did what I asked him...

 

What I'm trying to say is that there seems to be a 'natural' connection between anxiety and depression: when our body and mind get overly excited, overwhelmed, mobilised (in a negative and uncontrollable way) thorough anxiety that looks like an alarm has gone off, our body/brain reacts with depression which is like a safety switch that shuts everything down to protect us against that dangerous mobilisation of all mental and physical resources...

 

I could also so strongly identify with your observation  looking at a young couple that you were never that carefree. I wasn't definitely at their age. I was very, very troubled with my family history and all. But in recent years I experienced periods of being carefree and happier than ever before in my childhood when it was expected that I be so. In 18 years of my struggle with depression, anxiety and panic attacks (most but not all of these years 'assisted' by ADs ;(, I had periods, especially over the last 6 years when I was happy, functional, was able to walk around without anxiety and didn't feel my life as a struggle (which I feel for my whole life). Before going off Lexapro, I also felt like that. And then WD threw me to the ground, smashed me... But I believe for all of us, good and carefree days are ahead (even if we never enjoyed them when most people did)...  

 

I was happy to read about your 'windows' ;) more are to come for sure. 

 

bubble

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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Petu and Bubble,

 

Your writing speaks exactly to what I have been going through, it is amazing. I tried to use some 'not Seriphos' phosphatidylserine and it made the insomnia worse so I will not attempt it again, And I just found out today that stress makes the wd symptoms worse. I thought it was a good idea to push myself to work but it causes agony later. The worst thing about this wd is the thoughts.

 

I feel comforted when I read your postings that this is really what is happening to me and not some weird illness. Thank you both

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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Petu you are such a source of comfort for me and while I have been wrapped up in my stuff I did not realize that you are not feeling well.  What  is Seriphos here in the states?

 

The cortisol levels spike for me in the AM.  Do you think it is a physical issue or is it coupled with the dread or association of it coming on a certain times?  For me it is both, but the anticipatory fear plays a large role for me...

 

Do you have major anxiety, is that what is happening because of cortisol spikes?

 

Hugs

Intro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1902-nikki-hi-my-rundown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine

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I just googled Seriphos and the first hit was a website that gave me a pretty good explanation of the whole process and how these supplements help.

 

I hope this will not be seen as promoting anything...I'm just sharing the information from site http://www.moodcure.com/correcting_cortisol_levels.html

 

The primary stress-response hormone produced by your adrenal glands is called cortisol. It is even more potent in some ways than adrenaline, but at normal levels it is not agitating, rather it is strengthening. It's your wake-up-and-tackle-life's-challenges hormone. Cortisol levels are supposed to be highest in the morning and lowest between about midnight and 4:00AM. If levels are too high, you'll feel wired, tense and hyper-vigilant. Our cortisol levels always rise above the normal level to help us cope with severe stress. This can happen, for example, during a divorce or as a reaction to withdrawal from medications, like benzodiazepines or antidepressants, often causing severe agitation and insomnia. Cortisol levels should return to normal after the stress is relieved, but sometimes chronic stress goes on for so long that the adrenals make a permanent adaptation to a new, hyper level of cortisol production. Eventually, our adrenals can become so exhausted by this constant demand for extreme cortisol production that they are no longer able to produce even moderate levels. Their cortisol output can drop too low throughout the day, especially in the late afternoon. This can be experienced as a sudden crash or a gradually increasing fatigue. But, surprisingly often, 1 - 5 AM cortisol surges persist for years, causing chronic insomnia.

Testing:Whether you are in sudden or chronic over-stress. A simple one-day (4-sample) home saliva test will reveal your bedtime and early morning cortisol levels as well as your mid-morning and late afternoon levels. See the Adrenal Tool Kit, for details on testing the levels of this vital indicator. If you wake up between 1:00 a.m. and 5:00a.m., ask for an extra (fifth) test vial. The reference range should be the same or lower than the bedtime range.

Sleep disturbance: If cortisol levels are too high at night, instead of very low, as they're supposed to be, you'll be kept up too late with a "second wind." Or your cortisol levels could rise too high early in the morning and wake you up prematurely. Or you could wake up between 2:00 and 4:00AM and not be able to get back to sleep easily. Are you a night owl? Testing may show that your cortisol is above normal levels between 10:00PM and midnight when it should be dropping to allow you to get to sleep.

Remedies for mood or sleep problems caused by elevated cortisol:If you are a night owl, a supplement containing a cortisol-regulating nutrient called phosphorylated serine (brand name Seriphos, this is not the more readily available phosphotidyl serine), taken before dinner (approximately four-six hours before bedtime), should get you to sleep.

If you wake up between 2:00 and 4:00AM take Seriphos at bedtime (by 10:00PM), 4-6 hours before you would typically wake up in the early morning. If you have trouble getting to sleep and you wake up between 2:00 and 4:00AM, take one capsule before dinner and two by 10:00PM. Seriphos encourages your pituitary gland to stop sending the order to your adrenals for more cortisol production. After a month or so, this normalized message should be permanently re-programmed, and you should not need any more Seriphos. Caution: Do not take Seriphos for more than three months total. Take a break for at least 24 hours after each month's use (as per bottle directions).

A second solution: A quicker-acting supplement called hydrolyzed casein or lactium (e.g., De-Stress by Biotics or "Womens Anti Stress Formula" by Swansons) has calming effects on the brain that were originally researched in France. Take 75-150 mg. whenever your cortisol is elevated, day or night. It seems to work best if you are also taking Seriphos.

Remedies for day-time mood disturbances caused by elevated cortisol: The same two supplements may be usede to lower daytime cortisol levels. Take Seriphos (1-3) hours before your test shows abnormally high cortisol elevation. Take a lactium when your test shows that a cortisol elevation is occurring (you actually feel more agitated then).

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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Petu,

 

Have you measured your cortisol levels throughout the day? What method did you use? I have symptoms of early morning cortisol spike, but, when measured by lab tests (blood), my levels were low in the morning and normalized later in day. Have held off on trying Seriphos because I fear worsening of depression. Confused :(

 

I hope you're feeling better soon.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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Thanks for posting that, Bubble. I had seen it recently and started to look for Lactium. I found some at the health food store finally, they are chewable tabs called 'Warm Milk'. I did not find the Seriphos and am going to do without. I chew a lot of the tablets at night (maybe 6) and I cannot tell if they help or not because nights are so chaotic. I also take them during the day too. A lot of times in combination with very warm milk. If you do a search for lactium, it comes in several different formulations, one is in a protein powder. Petu, I hope you are a bit better, you made a few postings so maybe you are.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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Dear Petu, I am sorry you are having such a hard time.

I know exactly how horrible you feel, because I have been there.

I am 16 months off, and it took 1 year for me to start getting out from the acute, terrible hell.

Be strong;it gets better:You must see the symptoms as your body's attempt to heal.

I wouldn't blame Seriphos for your worsening symptoms; in my humble opinion, the worsening of symptoms are just the "natural" pattern of this terrible ordeal.

I have the conviction that this process, as horrendous as it is, will make us stronger, wiser, better persons.

When you feel at the edge, mindfulness is from great help Petu; IT'S NOT ME, IT'S W/D

 

Sending you love and healing vibes, A.

4 years aprox. on 150mgs.Effexor for situational major depression.No AD before.
Tapered 150-0mgs in 3 months.

Tapered Quetiapine,Xanax in the last 18 months.NO med of any kind anymore.
First 3 months off acute w/d
Protracted w/d ever since.
Symptoms:Anxiety,anhedonia,insomnia,tinnitus,PSSD

04/13/2014 Awful Relapse.Recovered fairly fast.

3 years and 4 months off.

waves and windows.Very much recovered.

November 2015,health issue.Setback.
 

 

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Believe me, the adrenals are pretty tough. They can produce elevated cortisol for a long, long time before pooping out.

 

We have a topic on Lactium and Seriphos (phosphatidyl serine). I believe the brand Julia Ross is recommending is the Neesby Seriphos, now called Cortiphos.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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please send your posts even when you feel they are too negative and depressing. We all feel like that (too often) and are not able to articulate it so well as you so it would help us.

 

 

Also, I've started thinking some time ago how it seems that we here attribute almost everything happening to us to withdrawal (I ate something that didn't agree with me last week and at first thought it was withdrawal   ;)

Hi Bubble,

 

Thank you for your recent posts on my thread.  I'm still not feeling well, brain not working properly, so I'm not able to write as much as I want to.  One of the reasons I sometimes decide not to post what I write is related to that second point of yours that I quoted.

 

Sometimes I find myself writing about issues from my past and present which have nothing to do with medication withdrawal.  Perhaps there's a connection, because withdrawal makes everything more difficult to deal with and stress increases symptoms, but the details of the past trauma or current stress are usually not relevant.

 

Something which does puzzle me is that since going into this acute withdrawal, I seem to have been going through a process of spontaneous trauma therapy.  Its like all my past traumatic memories are slowly being released from my subconscious to be re-experienced and released.  This seems to be happening in dreams and for several hours after I wake up.  Sometimes I remember the smallest detail of an event and its like I'm right back there and for a few seconds I am experiencing it fully with all my senses including some very strong and real emotions which I then remember having at the time.  I'm wondering if this is common in withdrawal and if this is actually what's happening.  Or perhaps this is some other feature of withdrawal and not real, like neuro-emotions.  I sometimes wonder if all these 'traumatic memories' are actually my own memories, or a kind of malfunction of my brain trying to reorganize itself.

 

Anyway Bubble, I did save what I didn't post, I had copied it to my personal journal, here is part of it:

 

"Tuesday, 26 November 2013

 

Rant for SA (not posted)

:(  Confused and scared.

Not sure whether to take any more Seriphos or not because I don't know if they are the cause of my 'sudden' scary/bad decent into depression, starting yesterday and getting worse today.  I've never felt anything quite like this before today, not even sure it was depression.

But it really scared me.  It was a mood so low, I seemed to be losing touch with reality.

My energy today has been the complete polar opposite of Saturday evening when I was fixing plumbing and covering windows.  If I didn't know anything about withdrawal, I would be certain I was bi-polar.

But now, I'm wondering if this sudden plunge is a delayed reaction to 'overdoing it' on Saturday, a paradoxical effect from the Seriphos, which has been working fairly well to reduce the morning cortizol surge, or if this is just a random wave (again).

I don't expect anyone else to know, just documenting really.

If this is the Seriphos causing this, then for some reason, its causing the opposite problem from last time I tried it.  Last time, by taking it during the day and at higher doses, it was keeping me awake and happy too late at night.  Now I'm taking it at a much lower dose, between 3am and 6am, depending on when I 'first' wake up.  4am seems to be the best time, I take one and fall straight back to sleep, then wake naturally about 7 - 8 with the fear/dread/racing thoughts reduced by about 50%.

So that's good....... but I can't go through what I did today again, it was as bad as when I tried to reinstate the Lexapro and Prozac earlier in the year and felt suicidal.  No, that's not even the word for it.

I don't know what it could be called but it felt like as if I had just realized that I was dead, but that in some way was still existing and being aware, but that I was trapped in a dimension between worlds, completely alone and everything and everyone in 'the world', still existed, but not in any way I could ever connect with because I was no longer real, or maybe nothing else was real.  Whatever was going on, one thing was certain and that was that there was nothing outside of myself which was going to fix it and as far as I could tell, I'd completely run out of inner resources, there was no escape.

Then, realizing that, the panic started.

Eventually I found a really long article online which described 'The Dark Night of the Soul', it was well written with a lot of depth and sensitivity and described pretty much what I've been going through these last few years, while I was reading, I felt slightly better, not sure if it was the distraction factor or because I was getting some validation.

But when there was no more to read, I was once again, just left with myself and an even deeper understanding that there is nothing I can do to relieve this suffering, whether its withdrawal or a DNS, its just going to take as long as it takes and get as bad as its going to get."

 

 

Anyone interested in the article I read, its here:  Part 1  Part 2

 

Something just occurred to me after writing what I just did and copying the part from the other day.  Not sure how to put it into words though.  I'm seeing a connection between when I tried to take Prozac, reinstate Lexapro, taking Inderal and now the Seriphos, and how they all work to suppress the morning trauma release (along with high anxiety symptoms which last through much of the day), but, after a few days, with this release being suppressed, I get suicidally depressed.  Something is saying to me that I am going through this morning 'purging', because this is what needs to be happening.

 

Earlier on, like at the end of 2011 and the first part of 2012, the 'stuff' that was coming up was much more intense and often, it was things that I've never actually experienced like horrible deaths and pure, non-nondescript states of terror, not actually related to anything concrete, but these days, I can usually pinpoint the event in my own memory more or less.  Every morning its different, I'm not having recurring obsessive thoughts about one thing, apart from when the past trauma switches to current worry, which often happens later in the process.  Usually, when I realize I'm worrying about current or future issues, its my cue to 'stop thinking' because I'm 'done' for the day.  But that seems to be the hardest part, by then, my body is so hyper-stimulated from what I've just been through, its like my mind becomes obsessive about trying to fix the 'problem' by compulsively thinking about ways to avoid current and possible future 'disasters'.

 

I don't know if any of that makes sense, it did to me when I first started writing it.

 

This morning was bad, worse than 'normal' and I can look at it two separate ways.  Its a rebound effect from having taken Seriphos for 4 days and then stopping. Or, its that by suppressing my scheduled trauma release process for 4 days, I had a back log built up which had to get out so that I could get back on schedule.

 

Now I'm wondering what I might have been doing to myself all those years on Zoloft and Lexapro, what was I suppressing and causing to build up, how was it effecting my ability to process trauma through my dreams?  Could this be part of the reason withdrawal can be so bad for so long for some people?

 

I remember before going on ADs I used to have an incredibly active and vivid dream life.  I would have very complex and unusual dreams and would often remember them, write them down or tell people, but mostly they stopped while on medication, I only just realized that.  They started to come back intensely about 4 months off, I remember because I had what felt like a prophetic, epic type dream, symbolically spanning the whole of human history on this planet, stretching into the future.  The emotions aroused by that dream disturbingly stayed with me all day.  That's also when the nightmares started.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Petu you are such a source of comfort for me and while I have been wrapped up in my stuff I did not realize that you are not feeling well.  What  is Seriphos here in the states?

 

The cortisol levels spike for me in the AM.  Do you think it is a physical issue or is it coupled with the dread or association of it coming on a certain times?  For me it is both, but the anticipatory fear plays a large role for me...

 

Do you have major anxiety, is that what is happening because of cortisol spikes?

 

Hugs

 

Hi Nikki,

I was happy to read that things have settled down a bit for you now.

 

Seriphos, is Seriphos in the States, that's where it comes from.  I had mine shipped from there,  I use iHerb because I find they have a good selection, good service, fast shipping and reasonable prices.  Prices here in Australia for vitamins etc are 4 times as high for lower quality, that's if you can even find it here, usually, unless something has been around for several years, no one here knows what you are talking about.

 

I don't get a chance to anticipate my cortisol surge because I wake up to it.  No, that's not exactly true, if I wake up at 3am, its not there, it starts to kick in somewhere between 5am and 7am these days, if I'm asleep, then it will start to effect my dreams and then carry on when I wake up.  I definitely think this is mainly a physical issue, but of course it causes emotional issues because its such a life shattering circumstance to have to deal with, with very little support or understanding from our current culture or medical establishment.

 

I'm not sure why I don't anticipate it the night before and then have anxiety at night, but by night time, its like I'm a completely different person who doesn't have anxiety and withdrawal, its like that happens to someone else its very weird, I go to sleep NOT expecting to wake up feeling awful, so every morning, its a shock and I have to adjust to the 'new' reality of 'me' all over again.  My life really is like a horror movie version of Groundhog Day at the moment.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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Petu,Have you measured your cortisol levels throughout the day? What method did you use? I have symptoms of early morning cortisol spike, but, when measured by lab tests (blood), my levels were low in the morning and normalized later in day. Have held off on trying Seriphos because I fear worsening of depression. Confused :(I hope you're feeling better soon.

 

Hi Barb,

 

I've never measured my levels.  Not of cortisol or any of the other hormones which could 'possibly' be causing all my problems.  In some ways I would like to go and get a whole bunch of tests done.  But the thought of walking back into that office and facing my doctor after the last time I was there earlier in the year, walking out with my final Lexapro prescription and another offer of more Xanax, its more than I can face.  For years, my doctor has attributed every problem I've had, to anxiety..... and when I have disagreed, wanting him to take me seriously, he would then just hand me another prescription for something else, along with more xanax and lexapro.

 

While on Lexapro I've been given HRT, some kind of proton pump inhibitor for GERD, asthma spray for asthma, even though I don't have asthma, according to the test he did I was taking duromine for being overweight. I was constantly taking anti-biotics for bronchitis which never seemed to clear up.  There were probably a few other things too, but since stopping Lexapro, all that has stopped and now I don't take anything, I think most of those things were side effects of Lexapro.

 

Maybe I do have some kind of imbalance of something and perhaps there is a medication which could fix it.  Is there a medication to fix elevated morning cortisol?

 

But the problem is, I can't see me ever trusting a doctor again, not with what I've been through in my life, combined with what I've learned over the last several months.  Its not that I blame my doctor, not at all, I used to think I was very lucky to have such a concerned and accommodating doctor.  He was so popular in my area that people would often wait 2 - 3 hours to see him, even after making an appointment.  He would spend much longer than he was supposed to with each patient, often working hours after the office was supposed to be closed for the night.

 

But I guess he was as brainwashed by the drug companies as every other doctor.

 

I'm actually too sick to put myself through the stress of trying to deal with 'all that' again.  This year, I have taken my daughter to the doctor a couple of times, for routine things, but just driving her there, and then sitting in the waiting room has been exhausting.  I don't feel like I have the emotional strength and confidence to advocate for myself like I used to.  Maybe when I start to feel better I will see a different doctor and ask for some tests.

 

If I broke my leg, I guess I would go see a doctor.  OMG!  I hope I don't break my leg any time soon.

 

Having your cortisol test come back low would be very frustrating, especially since you have all the symptoms of it being high.

 

Personally, I don't trust a lot of these tests.  Several years ago, my cycle got irregular and I was getting some hot flashes and other symptoms I thought was peri-menopause, so I went to the doctor and was given a blood test.  Apparently it was all 'normal', but I complained a lot and was given HRT anyway.  I took it on and off for several years.  Turns out the test had been wrong, because now, about 6 years later, my cycle is ended, its been over a year since 'anything'.

 

Because of my recent experience with Seriphos,  I'm not going to recommend them, but they do seem to help some people, I guess there is no way of knowing unless you try.

 

I hope you start to feel better soon too.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Thanks CW and Alex,

 

I'm feeling a bit better this evening, as I usually do, seem to have managed to write quite a lot, more than I expected anyway.  I don't know what's caused this last wave, but ultimately I guess it doesn't matter, whatever caused it, there's nothing I can do to fix it, apart from more of the same.

 

Believe me, the adrenals are pretty tough. They can produce elevated cortisol for a long, long time before pooping out.

 

 

Mine aren't showing signs of pooping out :(

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus
I thought it was a good idea to push myself to work but it causes agony later. The worst thing about this wd is the thoughts.

 

I feel comforted when I read your postings that this is really what is happening to me and not some weird illness. Thank you both

 

I've also found it difficult to accept the fact that in withdrawal, the usual treatment model of CBT for anxiety is often counter productive.  I think its because symptoms of withdrawal in general are NOT cognitively based.  Its a pure physical stress response of the body and anything which causes more stress is only going to make it worse.

 

I still sometimes think I've got some weird illness, but reading all the experiences here of everyone else, reminds me,

 

So thank you too :)

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

Link to comment

Petu

You give everyone here so much sound advice and understanding. I was reading your last posts and hadn't acknowledged that you are going still going this journey.

It's amazing how strong you are!

Started Effexor August 2012 Sept'12-150mg=extreme anxiety Oct'12 cut half-75mg severe wds

Feb 2013 68.5mg. Mar'13- 65mg. Apr'13-59mg. May'13-57mg. June '13-52mg Aug'13 49.75mg.

Sep'13-48.75. Nov'13-47mg Dec'13-45..5mg

May 2014 42mg. Jun'14 40mg (depressive mood started). Aug'14 -40mg/ started brintellix 2.5mg

Oct '14 -39 Nov'14 36.89 Dec'14 34.45

Jan 2015- 31 Feb'15 29mg. Mar'15 26.72. Apr'15 24.48. May'15 22.31mg. Jun'15 20.30mg

Aug'15-18.89. Oct'15 16.96. Nov/16- 16.10. Dec/15- 15mg

Jan 2016-14.22. May'16 11.45. Aug'16-9.60. Sep/16- 8.88mg. Oct/16- 8.39mg. Nov/16- 8.13. Dec/16- 7.89

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Petu I am a different person or my mood is at night.  The morning's are brutal with anxiety and depression.  As the day progresses I feel better and at night I am more positive.

 

I know that I get a rebounding depression from Xanax and Propanolol which I have taken for anxiety.  Does Seriphos do this to you?

 

Hugs

Intro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1902-nikki-hi-my-rundown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine

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Glad to see you were able to post a bit and let us know how you are doing. My heart aches for you but you seem to have the mental strength to fight hard. You are right about the cbt, these thoughts and emotions are not to be believed. Not at all like my usual 'negative' thinking.

 

I am sending you prayers.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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I hope you are doing ok, Petu. I look for your postings all day it seems, and am concerned when I do not see any. I now know what this withdrawal is really like and I hate to think that you are suffering when you don't write an update. Sending healing thoughts as best I can.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

 I hate to think that you are suffering when you don't write an update. Sending healing thoughts as best I can.

 

Thank you for the healing thoughts :)

 

I'm not suffering like I was this time last week, but I'm still fairly miserable most of the day, in a different way.  It seems like the pendulum has swung back towards the depression side, but not as deep as it was  this time last week, its also not triggering panic when I realize, just small surges of anxiety.

 

This morning I woke up with the most intense feeling of grief and loss I've ever felt.  I think it began in a dream and was still there as I became conscious.  I had a vague memory of what I was dreaming, but its completely gone now, but the deep loss I felt was as close to unbearable as I've ever known an emotion to be.  It was something to do with a complete loss of hope of ever being able to experience being connected with something outside of myself, because....... that's the part I forget.

 

The details probably don't matter, and perhaps this was a neuro-emotion, but the significant thing to me was just how intense this feeling was, it was like falling right to the bottom of a pit, hitting the bottom and realizing that there was no further to go, it felt like I had reached the end of the line, and my limit of grief/loss/hopelessness.  The nausea was overwhelming.  I didn't do anything, just laid in bed, giving myself to this emotion, there was nothing else to do, it was obvious, I was powerless, it was going to do what it was doing.  Thankfully, the intensity only lasted a few moments, and then it started to subside, but there was a residue which lasted several hours.

 

Now, its about 10 hours later, and I have a sense that something inside me 'died' this morning.  This could be my imagination, but at the moment, I'm feeling a subtle, new acceptance underneath a low level of surface anxiety.

 

A couple of days ago, when I went to the mall to buy water, I spontaneously found myself in the craft store, buying painting supplies.  I got a starter kit for acrylics and an acrylic sketch pad, some extra tubes of paint too.  I used to paint, years ago, was self taught and went through a stage where I spent all my free time painting, it became one of those 'flow' activates where I would lose all sense of time and place.

 

My new supplies are still in their bag, and they may actually sit there like that for a while longer, I'm not ready to start something new, but I keep getting little moments of actually being able to see myself painting again.  It began some time last week I think, when I watched  a newish 'batgap' interview here with Stewart Cubley, who works with groups in a process of inner exploration using the tool of expressive painting to access the potential within the human heart and imagination.

 

Last night I stayed up much too late, watching art related videos on youtube, I was feeling some of my old enthusiasm and love of experimentation coming back.  But then I found myself watching a video of a talk and demo given by an artist from here (Australia), I started to feel depressed, my mood was getting lower and lower and I started to feel hopeless and completely demotivated and I couldn't figure out why, so I kept watching, right to the end.

 

Then I realized what the difference was between that video and ones I had watched previously.  His talk was partly a promotion for DVD's which he sells, but more than that, he was talking about how he started painting and then turned it into a business and how he now 'works' for various designers, how he had to work hard to.......... there was no passion or joyful self expression in his demonstration, he was teaching a formula, via several steps to make something which looked like a repeated pattern on a piece of fabric, it was supposed to be abstract art, but everyone who followed his technique would have ended up with something which would have been the same as everyone else. 

 

Then I went into a downward spiral of negativity, dragging with me aspects of Australian culture and attitudes of conformity, before long I was feeling completely doomed because as a child, my natural creativity had been ignored, rather than nurtured,  in favor of being pushed towards more practical endeavors, which I couldn't commit myself to for very long, and now its too late.... blah blah etc

 

..... all that from watching a video :) I'm still not very good at quickly noticing when something doesn't feel right and stopping it.  But TBH, I did want to see how the stupid painting turned out, thought there might be some surprise twist at the end where, with an unexpected technique, it was suddenly transformed into something wonderful and unique, but it wasn't.

 

That video kind of reflected my disappointment from earlier in the day when I had spontaneously agreed to go with my mum to the open day at our local environmental center.  I didn't want to go, but I went with her to keep her company.  I still can't figure out if it was the event, or if it was that I was experiencing extreme DP/DR, but I just couldn't understand why all those people were there, or what they were actually doing.  People seemed enthusiastic about tables with second hand books and stuff most people throw away, 'displays' of broken and crumbling shells and rocks, like you would walk past on the beach and ignore and a stand where for $5 you could stick a generic stencil on a piece of card, peel off a few stickers, throw some sand at it and have an instant picture of a flower with 5 petals or a duck with the sun in the background :huh: The rather tired looking woman behind the table exclaimed "Isn't that amazing!"  after she had explained the process to us, I wondered if she had mistaken me for a 5 year old, I am fairly short and the sun might have been in her eyes. 

 

I tried to get into the spirit of the event and picked through some of the bits and pieces on a table, saw a small plastic tackle box for a dollar and though it might come in handy for mixing paint in some way, if I ever regain enough confidence to get started again, so I bought it.  "What's that for?", my mum asked "Are you buying it to keep your tablets in?"  I felt a sudden surge or irritation, she knows I'm not taking anything and haven't been for a long time, but I just quietly sighed and told her it was for paint, but she didn't seem interested, she was looking through a pile of old movies on DVDs, trying to find something my dad would like, I helped her look, she settled on a Laurel and Hardy movie.

 

There were some lizard things in dirty looking tanks, the kinds of lizards you see scampering into the bushes when you go for a walk, and often squashed in the middle of the road.  For a moment I felt some enthusiasm as I suggested to my mum that we go and look at the butterfly enclosure.  One of the volunteer staff overheard me and laughed, she said "good luck with finding  any butterflies in there, a big frog got in and ate them all" :blink: Nope, the only butterfly in there was a fake one, stuck on top of a stick and shoved into the sand, in between some tattered, half dead plants.

 

I was suddenly overwhelmed with the shocking realization of what my life had deteriorated into.  There were never going to be any butterflies. All my years of dragging my heavy self through life, eating everything which fate put in my path, like a good caterpillar, were going to amount to nothing, it had all been a big lie.  Even the frog was nowhere to be seen, so there was no possibility of kissing another one of those, even if I had wanted to. 

 

Several years ago I had filled out some paperwork to become a volunteer there, but never went ahead with my application.  Ironically, they had needed someone to take care of the new butterfly house, and that's what I would have been doing.  I started feeling like Alice must have felt after she fell down the rabbit hole.... nothing making sense, but everything feeling like it was strangely connected in some way.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

Link to comment
  • Member

Oh Petu,

 

Your stories are amazing and the way you write them draws me in and holds me fast till the end. I am in awe of people who can create art. I can do lots of different crafts, but not art. I have a friend who happily spends all of her time drawing portraits in pencil and she is very good at it. I still cannot bring myself to pick up any of my crafts. Since you had a bit of a spark with buying the paints, perhaps you're entering a window? I hope so.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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I'm going to try and write an update, but I'm finding it difficult to string words together (again).  Not understanding too much of what I'm reading again either.

 

I can recognize that I'm doing the windows/waves thing, well, not me personally, but my brain.  About 2 weeks ago, maybe 3, it was a Monday I think, but I crashed suddenly back into an intense overstimulated, anxiety pattern.  Then there was the gradual morphing of that into what felt like its opposite, depression, apathy, demotivation.  But I'm proud of myself because this is the first time I've been able to accept it and not let it send me into a panic, searching all over the internet for treatment for 'clinical depression'.

 

Now its like I'm being hit with everything at the same time, but its at about 50% intensity.  The fact that I seem to have lost a big chunk of my left brain cognitive capacity is frustrating, I know what I want to convey, but its not transferring into language too well.

 

I'm getting temperature fluctuations again, but not as intense as a year ago and they don't last as long.  Still getting the morning cortisol reaction, but its different.  I'm in a fog, almost as bad as during the first summer, brain just not making connections, but I seem to be able to do simple things anyway, as long as it doesn't involve higher functions like language, or something, I don't know, higher logic, multi-tasking, thinking, words are failing me.

 

I'm wondering if this is happening because of something I did yesterday afternoon. 

 

I was suddenly inspired (and also had a surge or courage), to open up my new art supplies.  I started painting again.  Its been years, I mean, over 20 years since I've just painted.  I've been attracted to abstract art, probably my whole life, and so that's what I tried doing for the first time yesterday.  I was at it for about 2 hours yesterday and it completely exhausted me.  It was a struggle to keep my left brain shut off, so that I could paint from pure instinct, without thought.  After a couple of hours, I realized I had to stop, I wasn't particularly happy with what I'd accomplished so far, but I wasn't exactly disappointed either.  The whole process had been interesting and for some of the time, had been a pleasant distraction.

 

I put it all away, but then later that night, I got it out to show my daughter.  She was very impressed and for me, it was like I was looking at what I'd done for the first time, I was also impressed and had no connection at all to the memory of actually doing it several hours earlier..... this is all so weird and tiring and strange and disorienting.  What I was looking at was just as good as anything I could have looked at online or in a gallery and actually liked.  But I had no connection with me actually having painted it. I remember doing it, but it wasn't me.  This is frightening.

 

I was browsing for art supplies online last night, looking for a more convenient and economical way to buy paints, canvasses etc.  I made an account and filled my 'cart' up with lots of stuff, but didn't place an order, I have enough supplies to keep me going for a while, that's if I keep going.  My first abstract is still only about half complete, and definitely only a 'test' piece because its on paper, not canvas.

 

Strange dreams most of the night and I kept waking up.  Had a pain on the left side of my head most of the night, not exactly a headache, but like a sharp stabbing pain.  This morning was bad again, with a new mix of all the old symptoms combined, but just not as intense.  I eventually got up and staggered around in my fog, doing some domestic things, feeling terribly depressed because it was all back and my life wasn't about to suddenly take off in an exciting new artistic direction. 

 

I guess I should be 'happy', because as my daughter commented last night, I still have my creativity, but today, its completely gone, I don't relate to that person from yesterday at all.  I can't trust my own brain to function the same way from day to day, from hour to hour, from moment to moment.  I don't know who I am.  Some days I can do certain things and actually seem good at it, the next day, there is a nothing but a blank space where the memory and skills related to that activity should be.

 

I'm doing my best to hang onto my faith and hope that eventually everything is going to come back and stay back, but this process is the scariest thing I've ever encountered.

 

It seems that whenever I get one of these spontaneous urges to try something new, or go ahead with something I've wanted to do, even though it generally goes well at the time, it seems to set me back and I get a new surge of symptoms.  Its as if my brain is punishing me for trying to 'recover' and move on.

 

......  I sort of want to write more, there was the visit with my Mum yesterday afternoon too, right before I started painting, but I can feel a wave of negativity creeping up on me and if I write any more, there's a chance I wont press the post button.

 

 

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

I can relate to most of what you have said Petu, I've experienced some of those things too either on

drugs or in withdrawal. I can be very creative one minute then afterwards can't imagine how I could

have done what I did. Sometimes it lasts for days, others just a few hours but always there is the

'after effect'  of being completely exhausted and wondering how on earth I did it! 

 

I have been looking a my stash of beads for about 3 weeks now, all over the table, but they don't

do anything for me, they just look like a mess of beads in various old boxes and bags. Last night I

bid on some proper storage trays so I can sort them out and maybe get organised, then perhaps

the creativity will come back. I have inspiration occasionally, and can design a piece in my head

but when I pick up the beads they just don't do anything for me. 

 

About a year ago I started making a corset for my grandaughter, it kept going wrong and I kept

starting again. In the end I gave up, exhausted, I knew what I wanted to achieve but just couldn't

do it. Fast forward  about 9 months I found it in the cupboard and took a good look at it, it's

gorgeous!! I've even put it on my mannequin on display to remind me that I CAN do things well.

It isn't finished, but will be one day, when inspiration comes back. I lost it again with withdrawal

but it will be back.

 

Sorry I went off on a tangent there! What I am thinking is that the side effects of drugs, and withdrawal,

are very similar for me. And the neuro emotion thing applies to everything, I am either VERY creative or

not at all, have energy or I don't have any. There seems to be no middle ground, or 'normality'. during either.

There have been times windows since tapering though, when 'normal'  appears and that is what I hold onto,

that one day all my days will be windows. 

 

I'm probably not making any sense at all but I know what I mean  :blush:

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

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  • Member

Hi Petu,

 

I am glad you posted as I have been hoping to hear from you. Sounds like things are in flux right now as they seem to be for a lot of us here. You seem to handle things very well and I have no doubt that the situation will improve. I have had the same experiences of doing things and not believing I was the one who actually did them (like my dog grooms). That is what is so very hard about wd. We don't seem to have a firm sense of where we are at times.

 

It is good that you write something so we can hear from you. I always look for your notes as they are really compelling reading. Hang in there, we all love and care for you!

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

I can relate to most of what you have said Petu, I've experienced some of those things too either on

drugs or in withdrawal. I can be very creative one minute then afterwards can't imagine how I could

have done what I did......

 

.......I'm probably not making any sense at all but I know what I mean  :blush:

 

You made perfect sense, thank you for sharing your experiences, I'm glad its not just me, I'm going to try and not be so hard on myself and be grateful that I know my creativity isn't lost for ever.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus
 Sounds like things are in flux right now as they seem to be for a lot of us here.

 

....I know, even when I don't post much, I always keep up with what's going on with everyone.  I thought it was just my imagination, but I get the impression that just lately, there seem to be more waves than windows going on, maybe its got to do with the time of year, stress from the holidays.

 

I just had the kind of morning I haven't seen in a while, the kind where I have that akathisia feeling of wanting to escape my own body, but I'm paralyzed with panic at the same time.  I made good use of some meditation music GiaK linked to in one of her recent posts.  It helped slightly to calm my racing thoughts and keep me still while I waited for the moments to pass.

 

Once again, it passed, as they always do, eventually, but I'm left with the sadness of thinking that I just wasted another day.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

Link to comment

 

 but I'm left with the sadness of thinking that I just wasted another day.

 

 

You are not wasting any days my dear Petu; you are doing what you have to do, and that is to be gentle to yourself,while your CNS heals.

You are a brave courageous woman.

 

Hang in there, hugs, A.

4 years aprox. on 150mgs.Effexor for situational major depression.No AD before.
Tapered 150-0mgs in 3 months.

Tapered Quetiapine,Xanax in the last 18 months.NO med of any kind anymore.
First 3 months off acute w/d
Protracted w/d ever since.
Symptoms:Anxiety,anhedonia,insomnia,tinnitus,PSSD

04/13/2014 Awful Relapse.Recovered fairly fast.

3 years and 4 months off.

waves and windows.Very much recovered.

November 2015,health issue.Setback.
 

 

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^^^ What Alex said ^^^ hugs from MammaP too. 

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Petu, you are always an inspiration, even (especially) when you're having a rough time, because even then you are so compassionate and helpful and reasonable. 

 

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I hope it clears up for you very soon. 

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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  • Administrator

What alex, Rhi, and mammaP said!

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

couldn't agree more,dear Petu!

 

Amidst all your suffering you find space to be here for so many of us in our dark moments.

 

None of your days are wasted but are monuments to some of the most impressive human endurance!

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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  • Member

Hi Petu,

 

Haven't seen many posts from you lately and hope you are ok. Just wanted to give you a big hug and well wishes!

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

Link to comment

Petu  You have been very kind to me and I look forward to hearing from you.

 

 

"Once again, it passed, as they always do, eventually, but I'm left with the sadness of thinking that I just wasted another day."

 

I too have this on a daily basis.  It is how I wake up (un-recovered).  I had a realization after tapering Lexapro that I was actually grieving the loss of time.  I think it is very normal.  Prior to that I grieved the time I spent in an unloving marriage.  I felt that I wasted my youth with someone unhealthy.

 

I bet most of the people here have or are experiencing grief from the loss of time.  I remember hearing that the only way out of grieving is to go thru it and know you will come out the other side.

 

The effects of tapering are insidious.  We have each other which is such a blessing.  You can come here and share your grief and joy in recovering.

 

Hugs

Intro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1902-nikki-hi-my-rundown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Petu,

 

Haven't seen many posts from you lately and hope you are ok. Just wanted to give you a big hug and well wishes!

Thanks CW, for thinking about me and the big hug, sending one right back.

 

I'm ok, in some ways, I think I'm more ok than I have been in a while, but in another way I'm finding it very difficult to understand a lot of what I'm reading and hearing.  Its making it difficult to communicate in writing.  I'm sure its just a stage of healing, but its frustrating.  I keep up with everyone here as best I can, but when it comes to posting, I just keep drawing a blank.  Its like, I know there is something I want to comment on or suggest, but...... then there's nothing there :huh:

 

It feels like a version of DP/DR, I don't seem to be connecting with anything on an emotional level at the moment, which may actually be a good thing, it feels self protective, my stress levels have decreased and I'm feeling calmer, but without the overwhelming deadness, its still there, but not so complete, its like it lifts at the edges and I can sometimes get a scraper under there and pry up a little more.

 

Its suddenly got VERY hot here.  I went to the beach a couple of times.  Just for about half an hour, walked in the ocean, just up to my knees, sat in the sun, walked along the beach, found a nice shell and brought it home.  I was hesitant to go, both times, because of how horrendous my previous attempts were earlier in the year.  But now, it seems to be ok.  There were a few moments of pleasure, the feeling of the cool water, a slight sense of freedom, as opposed to terror and insecurity.  The memories evoked by 'the beach' were bearable this time, I wasn't so full of loss, grief and regret.

 

Last night I went out for dinner with my parents, sister, my daughter and partners, this was our pre-christmas, christmas, because most of us aren't doing it this year, or have plans elsewhere.  I hadn't been looking forward to it.  The last three christmasses for me have been difficult.  Three years ago, my partner of 4 years broke up with me just before, with no real explanation,  then took off to another state for 2 weeks, leaving me to try and figure out what was going on.  I had just come of Lexapro and started on ADD meds, so I was in a mess anyway.  Two years ago I was in withdrawal, without knowing it and got through a family Christmas dinner on Xanax.  Last year ditto, still didn't know what was going on and I took Xanax and Inderal and I was the only single person among a group of couples.  But last night, I knew what was going on, took no medication, was the only person who drank only water (rather than alcohol) and actually had a nice time.  My sister, her partner and me were the last to leave, it was nice to catch up with the two of them together, I hadn't seen my sister or really even talked with her since probably a couple of months ago when our dad was going through surgery.

 

She reminded me some of the details about when we both came off Lexapro back in 2010, I had forgotten that I went off it CT at first, then went back on after 2 weeks and then tapered over about 2 months.  She has a lot of symptoms, some of which could be related to protracted withdrawal, but she is on a high dose of stimulant medication, and drinks a lot of coffee, so I don't know and don't say too much, but I do worry.  If my sister stopped using the stimulants, she would probably crash, maybe get depressed. I'm not sure how similar stimulants are to SSRIs, but she was also on Lexapro for years, like me, I think that she probably hasn't even begun to heal because her brain chemistry is still being altered in an unnatural way, but she seems to be fairly happy, most of the time.

 

I seem to be rambling :)

 

I attempted more painting.

 

 I had a realization after tapering Lexapro that I was actually grieving the loss of time.  I think it is very normal.  Prior to that I grieved the time I spent in an unloving marriage.  I felt that I wasted my youth with someone unhealthy.

 

I bet most of the people here have or are experiencing grief from the loss of time.  I remember hearing that the only way out of grieving is to go thru it and know you will come out the other side.

 

 

I've been doing a lot of grieving too Nikki.  Mine actually goes back way before medication.  I've been grieving for the childhood I never had, forgotten dreams, wasted idealism, lost potential, and yes, all the years spent trying to please unpleasable people.

 

Then, there was the medicated years.  A few days ago I entered some of my past medications into an interaction checker and found out that for over a year I was taking two medications with a major interaction.  Phentermine and Lexapro.  I was also taking a PPI and steroid asthma medication.  None of which I now need, now I'm off Lexapro.

 

My daughter is going camping, in a tent, for the first time in her life, with two of her friends, I just dropped her at the train station loaded down with bags, food, and a rolled up camping bed, it was all so heavy, I don't know how she managed to walk.  She said she was only 50% wanting to go and that she will probably come back really appreciating her comfortable life.

 

Then I headed to the mall to look at the real canvasses in the craft store.  Wasn't sure if I was actually going to buy one, but I did, along with a few more tubes of paint and some modelling stuff which makes the paint have lumpy texture.  I bought some shoes too and some salads from the grocery store.  The whole place was crazy with holiday shoppers.  "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" was booming over the sound system, which is  a completely ridiculous choice of holiday music for this country.  I was tentatively happy that the extreme altered perceptions which were triggered by the mall a few months ago weren't there, just a kind of low level DP/DR, which still isn't pleasant, but I can handle it.

 

Still having a hard time writing, putting my thoughts into words.  Maybe its because I've been trying so hard lately not to think, or to cut off most of my thoughts because they lead me to painful, frightening places, that when it comes time to actually engage with thought in a productive way, I'm having this conflict.  Talking is easy, I can do that without thought, but writing requires constructing a sentence of thought first.

 

I'm tired now.  It feels like its been a long day.

 

Hoping for good sleep and long clear windows for everyone.

Thank you for being here.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

missed you a lot here but glad you took a break!

 

You keep up with us sooooo well-seeing all the way through to the core of things.

 

Big hug

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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  • Member

Glad to see you posting a bit again. I have already confessed that I am constantly checking the site all day, can't help myself. I read your recent post with a great deal of interest. I used to love this time of year, I would go into all the stores to see the decorations. This year everything is flat and I just haven't gone anywhere. Withdrawal, when it hits like this, is hard to live with, but you seem to be coping a bit better than I have been able to. You write so beautifully that it is hard to imagine that you find it a struggle sometimes. I hope things get better for you. I am having trouble getting my thoughts out too.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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  • Member

Hope everything is ok for you Petu, just leaving you a greeting and well wishes...

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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