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☼ Petunia: recovering from 13 years of antidepressant use


Petunia

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Thank you Tilly, I'm sorry you are also not feeling so well, I hope you come out of your wave soon.

 

freespirit, that was beautiful and very powerful, I hadn't read it on direstraits thread, so thank you, actually it was very timely that I just read it, I've spent a lovely afternoon in my garden, this is why I logged on this evening, to document my window...

 

My brain clicked over into genuine window mode around the middle of the afternoon. I had just finished writing a comment on a youtube video when I realized that 'I was back', or rather normality was back, a complete absence of anything unpleasant in my experience, with the added bonus of feeling a return of mental and physical energy and motivation.

 

It suddenly seemed like the most obvious and natural thing, to go and hook up my front sprinklers ready for summer. This is something I've needed to do for a few weeks, but haven't been able to get out there and do it, not that there's anything difficult about it, just couldn't do it, But when that window hit, nothing was going to stop me from doing what I was suddenly compelled to do, it was like the most interesting and fun thing I could imagine in that moment.... so strange to be overcome with motivation for something so mundane. But there it was, I was all involved in my garden again, then I did more weed trimming and transplanted some real, sort of plants which were growing among the weeds, did some pruning and sweeping and some planning of the major garden overhaul which is going to happen one day.

 

Then I came inside and phoned a local reticulation/landscaping company, I was actually going to make a real move on getting something done :o ... but they had closed for the day, so I looked at their web site instead.

 

I'm feeling a genuine sense of enthusiasm and excitement at the thought of getting rid of all my grass/weeds/sand.

 

before%20after.jpg

 

It was really nice to be able to enjoy imagining and creating something in my mind again without it being blanketed by a heavy cloud of thick, dark fear and negativity, telling me I can't do anything so there's no point in even thinking about it.

 

Actually, my front grass doesn't even look that nice, its more like this...

 

ugly%20grass.jpg

 

Today, the dark clouds cleared away and the sun was still there.... I'm still here, underneath this withdrawal. I was so happy to be outside, feeling good and getting things done, I just kept going, like I always used to when I was super involved in what I was doing. Now my back aches a little, but I don't care, its a good pain, a subtle reminder of my enjoyable afternoon.

 

Until you lose your ability to feel anything good, having experienced nothing but all the bad stuff, for a long time, its impossible to understand just how amazing and wonderful it is to feel good again.

 

This roller coaster ride of recovery seems to be speeding up now.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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 Hi Petunia,

 

It's a great time of the year, for all of that !  I find " Spring" inspiring.  . It is a time for renewal. Earth re- awakens from " slumber", & explodes with " new life". !   Sewing seeds, starting projects etc.   New ideas.   All creative  thoughts, that relate to us, as well, in our journey back to " wholeness".

 

  Glad you're feeling motivated!   :)     A sign of healing, perhaps. 

Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014

 

                                                  Psych Drug - free since May 2014
.
         

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yay,Petunia! so happy for you! you have alovely place...you did a beautiful job!

 

may your window last long....love & hugs,ds

went on Prozac 1994-99,60mg.poopout ct  back on 2001-2002,prozac weekly 2002,not working,Effexor 75 mg.?2003-mar.2004 gaining weight 8wk. taper,wellbutrin 150 mg.mar. -may 2004 ctmedfree til july 2005 back to Prozac gaining weight again,back on wellbutrin jan.2006150-300 mg.bad constipation.also was taking aygestin(hormone)perimenopausal irregular bleeding.back on Prozac around sept,?2006,hysterectomy jan30.2007(adenomyosis)off&on Prozac til 2009,citalopram about 1 mo, April 2010 no effect,Effexor again may -mar, 2011.ct,Prozac aug,-dec, 2011 &sept-nov 2012,paroxetine oct,23 2013-may 4 2014 20 mgs.tapered 6 wks.-failed RI in Oct.2014-in protracted WD.started 10 mgs. Fluoxetine May 25 2021 .Stopped fluoxetine May 2022 at 5 mgs.

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Lovely to hear this Petunia. Spring does help to awaken something I think. I went from feeling I wanted to grass all my flower beds in, to something very different this past spring...which amounted to a little too much work. Next year, I'm doing a wildflower mix through a lot of the beds instead, which will look beautiful, but require much less regular maintenance. https://www.westcoastseeds.com/shop/flower-seeds/wildflower-seeds/

 

I too, hope your window continues and you see more and more days of feeling that kind of enthusiasm and optimism. It is indeed wonderful, to feel that way after a very long time of not being able to inhabit those kinds of emotions.

Remeron for depression. Started at 7.5 mg. in 2005. Gradual increases over 8 years, up to 45 mg. in 2012.Began tapering in June 2013. Went from 45 to 30 mg in the first 3-4 months. Held for a couple of months.Started tapering by 3.75 mg every month or 2, with some longer holding periods. Eventually went down to 3.75 mg. about April 2014. Stopped taking Remeron August 2014. Developed issues with histamine a week after stopping--symptoms reduced through diet and a few supplements. Currently having issues with a few foods. Most of the histamine intolerance has resolved or is at least, in remission.

Current Medications:

Current Supplements: Cannabis (CBD and THC), Vitamin C, D, Quercetin, CoQ10, Tart Cherry, Probiotic, Phytoplankton oil, magnesium, Methyl B. What has helped me most: spending time in nature, qi gong, exercise, healthy diet, meditation, IV vitamins, homeopathy, massage, acupuncture, chiropractic, music, and cuddling my cats..

My introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/8459-mirtazapine-withdrawal-freespirit/#entry144282

Please note: I am not a therapist or medical practitioner. Any suggestions offered come solely from my personal experience in recovering from childhood trauma, therapy, and AD use. Please seek appropriate care for yourself.

 

“After a cruel childhood, one must reinvent oneself. Then re-imagine the world.”
Mary Oliver
 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

yay,Petunia! so happy for you! you have alovely place...you did a beautiful job!

 

may your window last long....love & hugs,ds

 

lol, I wish that was my place, no, they were just pictures to represent the creative process of what I was imagining. I still have nothing but more weeds than grass and patches of sand at the front and I'm working my way through 'out of control' very tall weeds at the back.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus
It's a great time of the year, for all of that !  I find " Spring" inspiring.  . It is a time for renewal. Earth re- awakens from " slumber", & explodes with " new life". !   Sewing seeds, starting projects etc.   New ideas. 

 

I agree. My life pre-withdrawal used to follow a kind of pattern where I would struggle a bit through winter, but then as September got closer, it seemed like renewed hope was just around the corner. On the first day of September, I would get a sense of relief that I had made it though another winter as the bright, cheerful signs of spring started appearing all around me. Butterflies fluttering among the wildflowers on a sunny morning. Dragonflies with their wings sparkling as they dive and swoop.

 

But withdrawal turned that all on its head. I've been sensitive to bright light and heat and..... well everything really and there always seemed to be more of everything going on in Summer and I just wanted to hibernate in the dark in my room. This will be my 5th Summer since withdrawal started and it will be interesting to see how it goes now that I'm having windows.

 

 Next year, I'm doing a wildflower mix through a lot of the beds instead, which will look beautiful, but require much less regular maintenance. https://www.westcoastseeds.com/shop/flower-seeds/wildflower-seeds/

 

 

Its funny, but parts of my back weeds look quite a lot like the 'bee garden blend' picture in the link you posted and I've been noticing how beautiful they look before I chop into them. But I have to cut it all back because in a few more weeks they will be a fire hazard. My flowering weeds are probably valued plants in some other part of the world.

 

Sadly, my 2 day window has now closed and I'm back to baseline blah. But unlike when my other rare windows have closed, this time I'm not quite so devastated, possibly because my baseline has risen enough that the contrast isn't so overwhelming. I haven't fallen back into a state of intense physical fight/flight type symptoms. Instead I'm back at apathy/anhedonia/demotivation type stuff.... but its ok, I'm recovering.

 

Another difference with the closing of this particular window is that the memory of it hasn't disappeared instantly, like they did previously. My memory function must have healed sufficiently so that it can hold on to memories properly again. I'm able to connect to it in an emotional way and it provides comfort and hope. Up until now, when something ended, it was completely gone, like as if it had never even happened and I was unable to connect with the memory of it. Even when reading back through this thread and finding evidence of past windows, it was as if they had happened to someone else. So yay! memory starting to work properly again.

 

I'm not really even concerned about when I'll get another one, that was enough evidence for me that my brain is still capable of providing me with a very pleasant and positive experience of life, so its just a matter of time before it can sustain it. I think this calls for a change of avatar :)

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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Petunia your garden looks amazing. I have just started gardening, I needed a hobby after I sold all my expensive dolls that I bought during my bout with shopping addiction/mania. It is keeping me busy! I have visions of my back garden filled with edible fruits and vegetables. I'm not sure that vision will ever come to pass but the thought of it keeps me happy in the meantime. 

I'm glad that you had a good couple of days and that even in your 'blah' you can remember those days with happiness. May the journey continue and more photos of your garden progress please :-)

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Wow great avatar....'Thats a wonderful choice'

(Thats a line from my favourite movie.).

I did a search on windows images ....very tempting ...some great ones out there.

 

I like the idea of planting stuff you can eat.

Orange trees percimmons and feijoas yum...they could fill the gap quite nicely. imo

Thought for the day: Lets stand up, and let’s speak out , together. G Olsen

We have until the 14th. Feb 2018. 

URGENT REQUEST Please consider submitting  for the petition on Prescribed Drug Dependence and Withdrawal currently awaiting its third consideration at the Scottish Parliament. You don't even have to be from Scotland. By clicking on the link below you can read some of the previous submissions but be warned many of them are quite harrowing.

http://www.parliament.scot/GettingInvolved/Petitions/PE01651   

Please tell them about your problems taking and withdrawing from antidepressants and/or benzos.

Send by email to petitions@parliament.scot and quote PE01651 in the subject heading. Keep to a maximum of 3 sides of A4 and you can't name for legal reasons any doctor you have consulted. Tell them if you wish to remain anonymous. We need the numbers to help convince the committee members we are not isolated cases. You have until mid February. Thank you

Recovering paxil addict

None of the published articles shed light on what ssri's ... actually do or what their hazards might be. Healy 2013. 

This is so true, with anything you get on these drugs, dependance, tapering, withdrawal symptoms, side effects, just silent. And if there is something mentioned then their is a serious disconnect between what is said and reality! 

  "Every time I read of a multi-person shooting, I always presume that person had just started a SSRI or had just stopped."  Dr Mosher. Me too! 

Over two decades later, the number of antidepressant prescriptions a year is slightly more than the number of people in the Western world. Most (nine out of 10) prescriptions are for patients who faced difficulties on stopping, equating to about a tenth of the population. These patients are often advised to continue treatment because their difficulties indicate they need ongoing treatment, just as a person with diabetes needs insulin. Healy 2015

I believe the ssri era will soon stand as one of the most shameful in the history of medicine. Healy 2015

Let people help people ... in a natural, kind, non-addictive (and non-big pharma) way. J Broadley 2017

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

thanks Princess and nz. Whenever I mention something garden related on my thread, invariably there will be responses about edible gardens and I keep wondering if perhaps I should change my plans. I do like the idea of fruit trees, a fig tree would be nice, I love fresh figs. But if I tried to grow vegetables, with the water restrictions here, I would always be outside hand watering trying to keep all those little seedlings alive.

 

The solitary kale plant I put in a few months back, is still doing fine, it actually looks nice, but the only thing getting any sustenance out of it is the snails, I'm still buying little bags of organic kale from the market store, I don't want to ruin the appearance of my kale plant by taking off leaves :wacko:

 

Anyway, the reason for today's post is to say that I don't think my window closed after all.

 

Something (in me) is very different from how I've been feeling for the last 3+ years. Its like a light switch has been turned back on after years of trying to live in the dark. So far, this has been going on for 3 days and I'm assuming its a window, but this feeling of lightness and hope and energy and 'everything is ok' is so completely the reverse of how I've been feeling, its hard to imagine going back to the way it was, just 3 days ago.

 

For the first time in goodness knows how long, I've woken up with a feeling of enthusiasm for the day ahead instead of dread, I didn't think this was possible.

 

The thing which has completely knocked my socks off about all this is that I didn't do anything different, not a thing, no increased exercise, no trying to get back into life, no trying to do anything different, just miserable acceptance that I can't do any more than what I can do and making the best of it.

 

This turn around started a few weeks back when I noticed a slight feeling of pleasure and satisfaction from weed trimming and a hint of enthusiasm for being able to do some more once the battery had recharged.  As it turned out, I didn't get back to it for a while because of a wave or an injury or something. But once I did get back out there, I started making some very real progress and was starting to experience hope and confidence again. For the last three years or so, no matter what I've tried, those emotions didn't seem to be available to me, instead I've been overcome with anxiety, hopelessness, sadness, regret, guilt resentment, envy.... you know, all the dark stuff we never want to feel.

 

:D I'm in pain though, in a very good way :D

 

After 3 years of not doing much but laying or sitting in bed, using my laptop for distraction from the awful symptoms, to suddenly be up and trying to do what I used to do is pushing my body, my bones and muscles, harder than they have been in a long time. But the old motivation is back, I've always been like this, when I really want to do something, when being driven by the creative urge, I push past any  resistance/pain and do it... until withdrawal that is, there's no pushing through withdrawal symptoms.

 

My daughter came home yesterday after a week away and found me up a ladder at the front of the house, she didn't know what was going on because I'm usually in my room on the bed.

 

I've arranged to have someone come over next week to do a small landscaping job, he phoned me while I was out, wanted to come over right then to look at the job because he was around the corner. A few months ago I was still struggling with things like this, getting a plumber in was a major stress. But yesterday I handled it perfectly and was able to phone my daughter who was at home and organize it all and then even buy some supplies that he needed to do the job right there while I was out. It was like my brain was now able to handle the complexities of functioning without going into overload.

 

I'm not going to write anymore about this change in my 'condition' but at the moment its like someone I haven't seen in a long time is suddenly back, maybe just to visit, but hopefully to stay.

 

Unlike the previous photos, this one really is mine:

 

My Kale

kale.jpg

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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Petunia your post filled me with joy. It is so encouraging to hear the testimony of someone who has been through so much and finally seems to be coming out the other side. I am filled with hope myself now. And if you don't pick that Kale then I am going to sneak over in the evening when you aren't looking and grab it myself. Even though I have no idea where you are!!! I will sniff it out :-)

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Wow Petunia, this is amazing :D.  (I love a chance to use the 'big grin' face.)  So much healing has been bubbling away under the surface, and now out it shines...

 

Hugs,

Karen 

2010  Fluoxetine 20mg.  2011  Escitalopram 20mg.  2013 Tapered badly and destabilised CNS.  Effexor 150mg. 

2015 Begin using info at SurvivingAntidepressants.  Cut 10% - bad w/d 2 months, held 1 month. 

Micro-tapering: four weekly 0.4% cuts, hold 4 weeks (struggling with symptoms).

8 month hold.

2017 Micro-tapering: four weekly 1% cuts, hold 4 weeks (symptoms almost non-existent).

2020 Still micro-tapering. Just over 2/3 of the way off effexor. Minimal symptoms, - and sleeping well.
Supplements: Fish oil, vitamin C, iron, oat-straw tea, nettle tea.

2023 Now on 7 micro-beads of Effexor. Minimal symptoms but much more time needed between drops.

 'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.'  Dr Gabor Mate.

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Petunia, I can't tell you how glad I am to hear of all these improvements you've been getting. It's really starting to happen for you! You've been so brave and strong.

 

It really helps to hear you did nothing to bring on your window and that it just happened.

 

Keep going! X

The only way out is through.

 

Aug 2013 - Augmentin leading to akathisia

Sept-Nov 2013 - Citalopram 20mg, severe reaction, off at 5mg. Valium 4mg, prn

Oct 2013 - 5 zopiclone tablets, 7.5mg

End Nov 2013-end Feb 2014, Seroquel, top dose 150mg, off at 25mg

End Nov 2013-early march 2014, Zoloft 100mg top dose, off at 25mg

End Dec-2013-early April 2014, lorazepam 1mg prn

April 3rd 2014 zoloft 5mg for a few days. 18/4/14 - zoloft, 1mg. Came off at 0.35 mg,14th June 2014

29 June 2014 - 1mg lorazepam, last ever

29 June 2014 - med free

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Petunia, so good! You deserved it, finally a magic window appeared from nowhere...it's time to live again.

I hope it will last veeery long time and I'm sure it's the beginning of a complete recovery ;)

March 2010/ October 2010:

Sereupin 30mg a day, EN 15 drops a day

October 2010/ 1st November 2014:

Cipralex 50mg a day (tapered to 40mg a day in August 2013), EN 15 drops a day (switched to Lexotan 15 drops a day in September 2014)

Started Risperdal 1mg a day on the 1st November 2014.

Stopped Risperdal on the 23 November 2014 because that day, after a short mental crysis, I suddenly lost all my emotions,desires,motivation and they not come back yet.

Stopped Cipralex C/T in December 2014.

Added, tapered and stopped other drugs during the following months (also a voluntary hospitalization in January 2015 for a suicide attempt)...no changes yet.

 

 

I'm med free from 3rd December 2015

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  • Administrator

Very good to hear, P.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Petunia,

 

You are one of the most courageous people here and to know that you have been given a window to see possibilities that are very different from what you have been going through is so, so good.   I'm am delighted for you.

 

Your experience also demonstrates that doing nothing is doing something.   Window can and often do happen spontaneously.  However, providing the right conditions helps.   Distractions, focussing on others, eating well, avoiding things that will stress you out etc etc etc.

 

Dalsaan

Please note - I am not a medical practitioner and I do not give medical advice. I offer an opinion based on my own experiences, reading and discussion with others.On Effexor for 2 months at the start of 2005. Had extreme insomnia as an adverse reaction. Changed to mirtazapine. Have been trying to get off since mid 2008 with numerous failures including CTs and slow (but not slow enough tapers)Have slow tapered at 10 per cent or less for years. I have liquid mirtazapine made at a compounding chemist.

Was on 1.6 ml as at 19 March 2014.

Dropped to 1.5 ml 7 June 2014. Dropped to 1.4 in about September.

Dropped to 1.3 on 20 December 2014. Dropped to 1.2 in mid Jan 2015.

Dropped to 1 ml in late Feb 2015. I think my old medication had run out of puff so I tried 1ml when I got the new stuff and it seems to be going ok. Sleep has been good over the last week (as of 13/3/15).

Dropped to 1/2 ml 14/11/15 Fatigue still there as are memory and cognition problems. Sleep is patchy but liveable compared to what it has been in the past.

 

DRUG FREE - as at 1st May 2017

 

>My intro post is here - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2250-dalsaan

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So so glad! You are quite the lady! And I couldn't cut that kale either....beautiful!

1st round Prozac 1989/90, clear depression symptoms. 2nd round Prozac started 1999 when admitted to dr. I was tired. Prozac pooped out, switch to Cymbalta 3/2006. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder due to mania 6/2006--then I was taken abruptly off Cymbalta and didn't know I had SSRI withdrawal. Lots of meds for my intractable "bipolar" symptoms.

Zyprexa started about 9/06, mostly 5mg. Tapered 4/12 through12/29/12

Wellbutrin. XL 300 mg started 1/07, tapered 1/18/13 through 7/8/13

Oxazepam mostly continuously since 6/06, 30mg since 12/12, tapered 1.17.14 through 8.26.15

11/06 Lithium 600mg twice daily, 2.2.14 400mg TID DIY liquid, 2.12.14 1150mg, 3.2.14 1100mg, 3.18.14 1075mg, 4/14 updose to 1100mg, 6.1.14 900 mg capsules 7.8.14 810mg, 8.17.14 725mg, 8.24.24 700mg...10.22.14 487.5mg, 3.9.15 475mg, 4.1.15 462.5mg 4.21.15 450mg 8.11.15 375mg, 11.28.15 362.5mg, back to 375mg four days later, 3.4.16 updose to 475 (too much going on to risk trouble)

9/4/13 Toprol-XL 25mg daily for sudden hypertension, tapered 11.12.13 through 5.3.14, last 10 days or so switched to atenolol

7.4.14 Started Walsh Protocol

56 years old

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Petunia, just out of curiosity...did you have change your thinking pattern about past events, your condition, life in general before the windows started?

March 2010/ October 2010:

Sereupin 30mg a day, EN 15 drops a day

October 2010/ 1st November 2014:

Cipralex 50mg a day (tapered to 40mg a day in August 2013), EN 15 drops a day (switched to Lexotan 15 drops a day in September 2014)

Started Risperdal 1mg a day on the 1st November 2014.

Stopped Risperdal on the 23 November 2014 because that day, after a short mental crysis, I suddenly lost all my emotions,desires,motivation and they not come back yet.

Stopped Cipralex C/T in December 2014.

Added, tapered and stopped other drugs during the following months (also a voluntary hospitalization in January 2015 for a suicide attempt)...no changes yet.

 

 

I'm med free from 3rd December 2015

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Luca, I'm not sure I know what you mean, but I can say something about past events, my condition and life in general. It seems that during the time I've been incapacitated by withdrawal, I've been mulling over a lot of things, including my past, and trying to come to terms with the current condition.

 

In some ways I've been forced to sit down right in the middle of my life and deal with my own reality, which has included facing the reality of my past and present. I've worked through a lot of past trauma, regret, grief, loss and have managed to let most of it go now. This wasn't intentional on my part, its just been happening. I've learned how to face everything, even the most uncomfortable of thoughts, memories, emotions and just let them be in my body until they are ready to go. The natural impulse is to resist anything which is uncomfortable or painful, but through the worst times, trying to resist was causing more stress, so eventually I would just let go and let it all come up... for 3 - 4 miserable years.

 

It doesn't seem like this window opened because of changing my thoughts in any way, its more likely that my body/brain/NS/spirit was healed enough for it to happen, but for that to occur, I've had to learn how to accept reality...my own and that of the world around me.

 

Thanks everyone for your comments, support and encouragement and I will echo what Dalsaan wrote here:

 

 

However, providing the right conditions helps.   Distractions, focussing on others, eating well, avoiding things that will stress you out etc etc etc.

 

 

In between dealing with my own self, I've been doing a lot of distracting, helping others but especially minimizing stress. Acceptance is a way of reducing stress because you're not fighting with reality all the time.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Very tiny update:  I can hardly move, my body is so sore all over from making the most of my window, my muscles ache in places I forgot existed, I'm being forced to slow down again, but for a reason I love this time :) ... its a bitter/sweet feeling, I got up this morning... so new, so different, and opened my front blinds, both of them and realized my windows badly need cleaning. I wanted to do it right then so I could enjoy looking at the world outside again, but I can't do it today, my body needs to recover a bit.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hey Petunia,

 

In some ways I've been forced to sit down right in the middle of my life and deal with my own reality, which has included facing the reality of my past and present. I've worked through a lot of past trauma, regret, grief, loss

I am finding myself at this juncture too.  It's all here - and it's too big for me to try to go around.  Sometimes it feels like it's going to actually destroy me, it's so painful, but then other times I'm just working with it.  Going to counseling, other body-work treatments.  When I read where you are up to now, it's so encouraging - somebody is making it through, somebody understands. 

 

Hugs,

Karen

2010  Fluoxetine 20mg.  2011  Escitalopram 20mg.  2013 Tapered badly and destabilised CNS.  Effexor 150mg. 

2015 Begin using info at SurvivingAntidepressants.  Cut 10% - bad w/d 2 months, held 1 month. 

Micro-tapering: four weekly 0.4% cuts, hold 4 weeks (struggling with symptoms).

8 month hold.

2017 Micro-tapering: four weekly 1% cuts, hold 4 weeks (symptoms almost non-existent).

2020 Still micro-tapering. Just over 2/3 of the way off effexor. Minimal symptoms, - and sleeping well.
Supplements: Fish oil, vitamin C, iron, oat-straw tea, nettle tea.

2023 Now on 7 micro-beads of Effexor. Minimal symptoms but much more time needed between drops.

 'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.'  Dr Gabor Mate.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Petunia ,     I see from your sig. you started your journey with a long stretch on Zoloft , so this link from today's newspaper may interest you.

 

http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/nsw/drayton-sher-lawyers-set-to-launch-class-action-against-manufacturers-of-ssri-antidepressants-including-zoloft-and-aropax/story-fni0cx12-1227556629501?sv=b48dcb76f844474652e31b543d55167c

You can contact Tony via Australian Taxpayers Against fraud.   I had long yarn with him , very easy to talk to.

 

:)

Edited by Petunia
fixed link

1987-1997 pertofran , prothiaden , Prozac 1997-2002 Zoloft 2002-2004 effexor 2004-2010 Lexapro 40mg

2010-2012Cymbalta 120mg

Sept. 2012 -decreased 90mg in 6months. Care taken over by Dr Lucire in March 2013 , decreased last 30mg at 2mg per week over 3 months. July 21 , 2013- last dose of Cymbalta

Protracted withdrawal syndrome kicked in badly Jan.2014 Unrelenting akathisia until May 2014. Voluntary hosp. admission. Cocktail of Seroquel, Ativan and mirtazapine and I was well enough to go home after 14 days. Stopped all hosp. meds in next few months.

July 2014 felt v.depressed - couldn't stop crying. Started pristiq 50mg. Felt improvement within days and continued to improve, so stayed on 50mg for 8 months.

Began taper 28 Feb. 2015. Pristiq 50mg down to 45mg. Had one month of w/d symptoms. Started CES therapy in March. No w/d symptoms down to 30mg.

October 2015 , taking 25mg Pristiq. Capsules compounded with slow-release additive.

March 2016 , 21mg

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"Anyway, the reason for today's post is to say that I don't think my window closed after all.

Something (in me) is very different from how I've been feeling for the last 3+ years. Its like a light switch has been turned back on after years of trying to live in the dark. So far, this has been going on for 3 days and I'm assuming its a window, but this feeling of lightness and hope and energy and 'everything is ok' is so completely the reverse of how I've been feeling, its hard to imagine going back to the way it was, just 3 days ago.

For the first time in goodness knows how long, I've woken up with a feeling of enthusiasm for the day ahead instead of dread, I didn't think this was possible."

 

How awesome is this !...yeah i seem to recall i started to feel this way to at 3 -4yrs ...i described it as "getting windows on my windows" !!

Thought for the day: Lets stand up, and let’s speak out , together. G Olsen

We have until the 14th. Feb 2018. 

URGENT REQUEST Please consider submitting  for the petition on Prescribed Drug Dependence and Withdrawal currently awaiting its third consideration at the Scottish Parliament. You don't even have to be from Scotland. By clicking on the link below you can read some of the previous submissions but be warned many of them are quite harrowing.

http://www.parliament.scot/GettingInvolved/Petitions/PE01651   

Please tell them about your problems taking and withdrawing from antidepressants and/or benzos.

Send by email to petitions@parliament.scot and quote PE01651 in the subject heading. Keep to a maximum of 3 sides of A4 and you can't name for legal reasons any doctor you have consulted. Tell them if you wish to remain anonymous. We need the numbers to help convince the committee members we are not isolated cases. You have until mid February. Thank you

Recovering paxil addict

None of the published articles shed light on what ssri's ... actually do or what their hazards might be. Healy 2013. 

This is so true, with anything you get on these drugs, dependance, tapering, withdrawal symptoms, side effects, just silent. And if there is something mentioned then their is a serious disconnect between what is said and reality! 

  "Every time I read of a multi-person shooting, I always presume that person had just started a SSRI or had just stopped."  Dr Mosher. Me too! 

Over two decades later, the number of antidepressant prescriptions a year is slightly more than the number of people in the Western world. Most (nine out of 10) prescriptions are for patients who faced difficulties on stopping, equating to about a tenth of the population. These patients are often advised to continue treatment because their difficulties indicate they need ongoing treatment, just as a person with diabetes needs insulin. Healy 2015

I believe the ssri era will soon stand as one of the most shameful in the history of medicine. Healy 2015

Let people help people ... in a natural, kind, non-addictive (and non-big pharma) way. J Broadley 2017

 

 

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Hi Petunia. Wonderful you got a glorious window! It's been such a long and hard road for you. You, of all people, deserve a window. Such a great sign of healing that has taken place with you outside and gardening. This is huge progress! Going through this kind of WD is not for the weak, so take pride in the fact that you are truly stronger than most people walking this earth.

 

Sending you lots of healing hugs,

 

Ladybug99

ADs for approx 20 yrs.

Klonopin .05mg 2009-2013 Last dose Aug 2013

APRIL 21, 2015: switched from Paxil cr 25mg (equiv to 20. mg regular paxil) to liquid Prozac 20 mg. Took prozac for 5 weeks. Didn't work.

MAY 21. 2015: switched back to Paxil - liquid 5mg for 1 week. Then upped to 7.5. Waiting to stabilize at this.

Tapered off prozac in 2 weeks.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Thanks everyone for your comments on my thread.

 

It's all here - and it's too big for me to try to go around.  Sometimes it feels like it's going to actually destroy me, it's so painful, but then other times I'm just working with it.

 

There have been many times when its felt like my past is too much of an 'entity' and that I'm never going to overcome its legacy, that it has always defined me and always will. I've had to accept that too and be ok with it, but then miraculously, with acceptance of that very wounded version of myself, it started to break up and dissolve too. I think its because when we are really able to look at what happened, when we are strong enough to re-visit the past and see it for what it really was, honestly, we can see that we were badly lied to about who we are, by the words and actions of other people who didn't really have our best interests at heart, even though they may have pretended to.

 

 

Hi Petunia ,     I see from your sig. you started your journey with a long stretch on Zoloft , so this link from today's newspaper may interest you.

 

http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/nsw/drayton-sher-lawyers-set-to-launch-class-action-against-manufacturers-of-ssri-antidepressants-including-zoloft-and-aropax/story-fni0cx12-1227556629501?sv=b48dcb76f844474652e31b543d55167c

You can contact Tony via Australian Taxpayers Against fraud.   I had long yarn with him , very easy to talk to.

 

:)

 

Thanks Fresh, I'm thinking about it. There's a problem with that link though, it seems you have to subscribe to access it. But here is some information which Dalsaan found for anyone else who is interested:

 

 

Here is a media release from the law firm

 

http://medianet.com.au/releases/release-details?id=839212

 

 

 

How awesome is this !...yeah i seem to recall i started to feel this way to at 3 -4yrs ...i described it as "getting windows on my windows" !!

 

I like your description nz, that sounds about right, I was thinking I was having windows, but this has been like a super window. I guess I'm on the same recovery schedule you are.

 

 

You, of all people, deserve a window. Such a great sign of healing that has taken place with you outside and gardening.

 

Thank you ladybug, your comment reinforced for me that recovery from withdrawal really does happen in its own time and there's no way to force it. I'd just read back through some comments from last month where I was being encouraged to get out in the garden and plant some things and I remember how impossible that felt at the time, but just a few weeks later, it was like a switch had flipped and I couldn't keep myself out of the garden, that's all I wanted to be doing.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

... so I guess that was what a real window is like. I've sort of been thinking I'd had a few over the last several years, but I was wrong, 'that' was a real window, now I understand what it means to get one.

 

I actually have had two real ones previously, but they only lasted a few hours. One in 2012 which lasted about 5 hours and another one, maybe the following year which lasted about 2 hours.

 

But this window has lasted .... lets see, I think it started on October 1, it seemed to be trying to start on Sept 29, but the 30th was a bad day.

 

I'm trying to figure out if it has closed, I think it has, but my base line has risen and even though I'm not feeling as wonderful as I was last week, its not anywhere near as bad as it was mid September.  The reason I'm having a hard time trying to figure out if the window has actually closed is because I've got allergies now, which are making me feel miserable and I'm still sore and aching from my week of too much activity. Even though I was in pain, I couldn't stop myself from digging in the garden, moving bricks and huge paving slabs, lugging bags of compost. I re-injured my knees by ignoring them and kneeling to plant the new water-wise plants I'd purchased.

 

In one week I did so much, with each day bringing more physical pain until by the beginning of this weekend I was forced to stop, I could hardly walk. It was so hard to give up my new found enthusiasm for life, so back in bed. I dug up some old photos of the house renovation project and fought long and hard with 'windows live movie maker', youtube, a defective flash drive and various other technical problems and managed to upload my first video to youtube... I was not going to let my physical set back drag me back into non-functional misery.

 

This morning, a tiny little bit of the dread, adrenaline rushes and temperature fluctuations were back, maybe at 5% strength. These had completely gone last week, I was waking up like a normal person. Something I noticed during the window was that in my dreams, I was in positive, pleasant situations where things went well and I felt happy, strong and confident. Other people in my dreams were nice to me and helped and respected me. Last night, my dreams were full of struggle and difficulty again and I woke up feeling a bit disturbed.

 

I've lost some motivation for all the plans that were running through my mind last week, but I'm not sure if its because the window closed or if its because I've realized I'm not physically as resilient as I was and have to slow down... I want to do things now, but I can't because I've got to build my muscle strength back up slowly.... frustrating beyond belief.

 

I've got a lot of pain and stiffness, but strangely, its only on the right side of my body.

 

Instead of writing a symptom list, I'm going to try and remember everything I did in my window week.

 

Re-did my sprinkler system

Finished clearing back weeds

Prepared a 4m square patch of ground for instant lawn, including lifting some very heavy paving slabs.

Multiple trips to store for gardening and hardware supplies

Organized and had installed a small lawn at the back (mostly for the benefit of potential future puppy)

Got quotes for tree pruning and scheduled that to be done

Cleared a garden bed along the house and planted with succulents.

Replanted several plants which had outgrown their pots.

Transplanted a shrub from garden to a pot, ready to move.

Gave my laundry room a mini-makeover.

Cleared out some cupboards

Reorganized and cleaned the kitchen (properly)

Got my dining chairs fixed

Moved some furniture around

Set up seed sprouter

Visited dog training club

Went out for breakfast twice

Went to Sunday morning markets

Made a slideshow video and uploaded to youtube

 

But the key point in all this is that I enjoyed doing all of it, I was motivated, enthusiastic, happy and was experiencing satisfaction from accomplishment. There was no anxiety or doubts. When things became difficult, I was enjoying the challenge of finding a solution. I felt confident and capable. My brain was functioning in a way that was enhancing my experience of life.

 

... dragging myself out of denial, struggling with acceptance... its closed, yesterday was a bad day, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. Its funny though, after about 4 days, when I was still feeling good, I couldn't really connect to all the bad memories of the previous four years, it was like they had happened to someone else, in my mind, this was now the new me and there wasn't any possibility that I would go back to how I was just a few weeks ago. Its felt like my recovery was now complete. This feeling of complete recovery was so strong, even though I was talking temporary window, to the core of my being I knew this was permanent. I knew it, but I was wrong. It was my permanent reality in that moment, which is encouraging really, because it means that when recovery does become permanent, there will be no lasting trauma, I wasn't able to remember the bad times even when I tried.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Wow - what's that I can see out the 'window'?  Is it a bird, is it a plane?  No, it's superwoman... :P:D

 

Petunia, what a list.  I can't imagine getting that much done in a year.  Frame it. 

 

Love

Karen

2010  Fluoxetine 20mg.  2011  Escitalopram 20mg.  2013 Tapered badly and destabilised CNS.  Effexor 150mg. 

2015 Begin using info at SurvivingAntidepressants.  Cut 10% - bad w/d 2 months, held 1 month. 

Micro-tapering: four weekly 0.4% cuts, hold 4 weeks (struggling with symptoms).

8 month hold.

2017 Micro-tapering: four weekly 1% cuts, hold 4 weeks (symptoms almost non-existent).

2020 Still micro-tapering. Just over 2/3 of the way off effexor. Minimal symptoms, - and sleeping well.
Supplements: Fish oil, vitamin C, iron, oat-straw tea, nettle tea.

2023 Now on 7 micro-beads of Effexor. Minimal symptoms but much more time needed between drops.

 'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.'  Dr Gabor Mate.

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Hi Petunia 

You have always been inspiring to me and now you also give me hope for the journey I have just started. Thank you!

All medications::

Xanax (1995-96), Aropax (1995-96), Mellaril (1997-2000), Efexor (1997-2002), Seroquel (2000-now), Lithium Carbonate (2000-now), Avanza (2002-05), Epilim (2005), Seroquel-XR (2000-now), Zyprexa (2002-14), Raberprazole (2000-now prn), Crestor (2009-15), Gabapentin (2009-12), Lamictal (2010-now), Abilify (2011-now) Lyrica (2012-now), Diazepam (2010-now prn), Saphris (2014), Respiridone (2014), Chlorpromazine (2014) Neulatil (07/2016)

 

Current medications:

Lithium Carbonate 750mg; Seroquel-XR 600mg800mg 04/16, 600mg 04/16, 400mg 04/16, 200mg 04/16, 400mg 04/16, 500mg 04/16; Lamictal 250mg 200mg150mg 04/16; Lyrica 300mg; Abilify 20mg 30mg 11/15 Zoloft 25mg 04/16 ceased after a week due to severe suicidal thoughts; Seroquel 25mg prn; Diazepam 40mg CT Jan 2013, 5mg occasionally, (massive med changes in April 2016 due to a hospital admission).

 

SupplementsFish oil 4000mgMagnesium 100mg Niacinamide 1000mgSlippery Elm 800mg , B12 1000mcg, Zinc 50mg, B6 100mg, Vitamin D 2000IU, Calcium 1200mgP5P 100mg, Vitamin C 2000mg, Vitamin E 400IU

 

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What an awesome window you had! Your list is AMAZING! Keep the memory of your incredible window aflame to keep you going till you reach your next ( and hopefully permanent) glorious window.

 

Hugs,

 

Ladybug99

ADs for approx 20 yrs.

Klonopin .05mg 2009-2013 Last dose Aug 2013

APRIL 21, 2015: switched from Paxil cr 25mg (equiv to 20. mg regular paxil) to liquid Prozac 20 mg. Took prozac for 5 weeks. Didn't work.

MAY 21. 2015: switched back to Paxil - liquid 5mg for 1 week. Then upped to 7.5. Waiting to stabilize at this.

Tapered off prozac in 2 weeks.

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  • Moderator

That is truly exciting Petu.  I love the new attitude and the shift upward in the baseline.  Do be careful not to push too hard, you don't want to break yourself enjoying your new found freedom.

 

((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

 

P.S. Keep us advised on the puppy front.

20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Final Dose 0.016mg.     Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

I've been avoiding my own thread because I've been getting progressively worse and didn't want to write about it, but I suppose I should keep documenting this recovery process accurately.

 

Falling out of my recent 11 day window was hard to accept, but I went back to a slightly higher base line and after about a week, I sort of accepted that I was back on the roller coaster ride of recovery and did my best to stay more active, doing some of the things I had started doing again, even though I was feeling miserable and getting nothing much from it. The anhedonia was back and lack of meaning and motivation. But I was somehow thinking that if I just kept active, acting 'as if', it would somehow trigger those happy chemicals to come back again.

 

But unfortunately I'm worse again, not better, I've gone back to my pre-anhedonia stage of high anxiety and hyper-arousal. This feels like a few big steps backwards. I'm unable to leave the house again and asked my mum to get me milk yesterday when she came over. When I say 'unable' that's not completely true, I could have pushed myself to go out and get my own milk, but the overwhelming feelings of dread and anxiety were back along with increased sensitivity and the associated vulnerability because of it... I just didn't want to face feeling this way in a grocery store again, not after being free from it.

 

I was still at baseline on Sunday morning (4 days ago), low mood, unmotivated, but pushing myself anyway. I followed through on my plans to go to the early markets to buy some plants for the new herb garden I had planned, came home, then out again to buy a much needed wheelbarrow. I could feel the ominous sensations starting to creep over me then, because I really didn't want to go back out, the thought of having to navigate a large hardware store and getting a wheelbarrow in the back of my car was starting to become overwhelming and near impossible..... but I did it anyway, my mood getting worse all the time.

 

Next day I went ahead and ripped out the kale, it looked nice, but had become infested with whitefly and after that, I didn't feel like eating it anyway. I kept going with my plans, not pushing myself physically, just trying to do something 'pleasant' that I wanted to do... gardening, one of the activities which motivated me during my 11 day window.

 

:(  But no matter what, I couldn't deny it, I was feeling worse every hour which passed. The new herb garden turned out great though, but Tuesday I couldn't really manage to get up and do anything besides what I had to do, the fear and dread was back, the horror at existence and life was there again too. It seemed like everything was closing in on me again, my world had suddenly shrunk back down to my room and going outside to water the new plantings was feeling too threatening, but I couldn't let them die, so its back to struggling to do what I have to do as fast as I can.

 

High cortisol mornings are back, lasting through most of the day, I've basically gone back to how I was about 2 years ago, high level of physical fear, trying to pin it onto anything I can think of, but as one thing gets resolved, the fear is still there, so it gets pinned to something else. Its a mind habit I can't seem to break, I feel something inside and look to the outside for a cause so I can fix it.

 

Nothing has changed in my life, there is no external reason for this wave, I don't think I even 'overdid' anything, not for the last 2 weeks anyway, but I'm still looking for a cause, if I can't blame it on something or someone else, then I did something wrong (again).

 

But its all just windows and waves and very little control to be had over the process.  I guess I'm still in shock and trying to accept the reality of my first real window where I felt felt fully recovered for days...... and then lost it.... back to baseline, still miserable, but able to function. But now a wave and struggling to function. This is so cruel

 

... but its the way recovery happens - windows and waves and I guess I'm just going to have to get used to this stage of recovery... real windows that I will enjoy and then have them taken away for a while as I'm plunged back into the depths of awfulness again for a while.

 

Now for the gratitude paragraph :)

 

I'm grateful I had a real window because now I know how good its possible to feel and that my brain is capable of functioning like that. I'm really really happy I didn't take on more than I did during my window, I'm especially glad I didn't go ahead and get a puppy because as much as it seemed like a good idea at the time, there is no way I could deal with the reality of it now.

And finally, I suppose I'm happy that I'm going to start experiencing this windows and waves phenomena properly because then when I'm supporting other people going through it, I will know what I'm talking about from experience.... up until recently, I've really only experienced waves and a slightly less unpleasant rising baseline.

 

Also, I've been able to put in place a few goals for the future and even if they feel meaningless right now, I remember that they felt important and exciting when I made them, emotionally I made a connection with a positive future for the first time since withdrawal started, and so I've now got the beginnings of an emotionally based connection to a future again, it felt real again and possible.

 

So I guess its back to survival mode and acceptance practice for now.

 

As always, thank you to everyone who offered support and encouragement, I wouldn't be able to get through this without all of you and this site.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

Good to hear from you again Petunia , even when it's not the best news.

Although it hasn't lasted , it is reassuring to know that you ARE capable of feeling optimistic and productive when you're in a good space.  

It's a matter of time before those episodes are more frequent and longer lasting . . . we know that.

 

Hugs and blessings , 

1987-1997 pertofran , prothiaden , Prozac 1997-2002 Zoloft 2002-2004 effexor 2004-2010 Lexapro 40mg

2010-2012Cymbalta 120mg

Sept. 2012 -decreased 90mg in 6months. Care taken over by Dr Lucire in March 2013 , decreased last 30mg at 2mg per week over 3 months. July 21 , 2013- last dose of Cymbalta

Protracted withdrawal syndrome kicked in badly Jan.2014 Unrelenting akathisia until May 2014. Voluntary hosp. admission. Cocktail of Seroquel, Ativan and mirtazapine and I was well enough to go home after 14 days. Stopped all hosp. meds in next few months.

July 2014 felt v.depressed - couldn't stop crying. Started pristiq 50mg. Felt improvement within days and continued to improve, so stayed on 50mg for 8 months.

Began taper 28 Feb. 2015. Pristiq 50mg down to 45mg. Had one month of w/d symptoms. Started CES therapy in March. No w/d symptoms down to 30mg.

October 2015 , taking 25mg Pristiq. Capsules compounded with slow-release additive.

March 2016 , 21mg

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Big hug. Again, as always, it is so very important that you have documented this painful transition for all of us.

 

It reminded me of one very painful experience following 2 months into ct-ing an AD a long time before I came here. I was and empty but nevertheless horribly hurting shell of a person. I knew it was a time to plant daffodils so that they could bloom in spring. Although I couldn't feel it I believed it was important for me to stay connected with the cycles of a regular life. I struggled badly buying them and planting but for many springs now I see them bloom and more importantly I feel them bloom these days. But there are still brutal periods when I try to see if I can taper any faster or live like an ordinary person that send me into a survival and acceptance mode.

 

Your garden has been planted and is waiting for this storm to pass.

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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Hugs to you Petunia. I admire you so much for your strength, courage and grace under 'fire'

 

Dalsaan

Please note - I am not a medical practitioner and I do not give medical advice. I offer an opinion based on my own experiences, reading and discussion with others.On Effexor for 2 months at the start of 2005. Had extreme insomnia as an adverse reaction. Changed to mirtazapine. Have been trying to get off since mid 2008 with numerous failures including CTs and slow (but not slow enough tapers)Have slow tapered at 10 per cent or less for years. I have liquid mirtazapine made at a compounding chemist.

Was on 1.6 ml as at 19 March 2014.

Dropped to 1.5 ml 7 June 2014. Dropped to 1.4 in about September.

Dropped to 1.3 on 20 December 2014. Dropped to 1.2 in mid Jan 2015.

Dropped to 1 ml in late Feb 2015. I think my old medication had run out of puff so I tried 1ml when I got the new stuff and it seems to be going ok. Sleep has been good over the last week (as of 13/3/15).

Dropped to 1/2 ml 14/11/15 Fatigue still there as are memory and cognition problems. Sleep is patchy but liveable compared to what it has been in the past.

 

DRUG FREE - as at 1st May 2017

 

>My intro post is here - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2250-dalsaan

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Yes, thank you for writing your hard stuff because otherwise when us following along way behind you get there, we might think we are the only ones for whom it went badly...

 

I'm so glad to know you,

Hugs and love,

KarenB

2010  Fluoxetine 20mg.  2011  Escitalopram 20mg.  2013 Tapered badly and destabilised CNS.  Effexor 150mg. 

2015 Begin using info at SurvivingAntidepressants.  Cut 10% - bad w/d 2 months, held 1 month. 

Micro-tapering: four weekly 0.4% cuts, hold 4 weeks (struggling with symptoms).

8 month hold.

2017 Micro-tapering: four weekly 1% cuts, hold 4 weeks (symptoms almost non-existent).

2020 Still micro-tapering. Just over 2/3 of the way off effexor. Minimal symptoms, - and sleeping well.
Supplements: Fish oil, vitamin C, iron, oat-straw tea, nettle tea.

2023 Now on 7 micro-beads of Effexor. Minimal symptoms but much more time needed between drops.

 'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.'  Dr Gabor Mate.

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Petu,

 

I believe that during Windows the brain is busy establishing the new neuronal connections that will allow the complete repatterning of the central nervous system to a better and stronger system. While it would be great if it would last forever, the rebuilding process requires that we go up 2 steps and back down 1. Even if you feel worse than before you went up, you are not worse. In fact, you have taken another major step in the long-term healing of you.

 

This setback will be temporary and soon the next leg up your ladder of recovery will begin. To help your healing, focus as best you can on the positive feelings you had during that window. Recall the sights, the sounds, the smells, the tastes. If you continue to relive it you will strengthen those new neuronal pathways.

 

Even though it hurts right now you are wise to revel in the fact that you are healing.

 

Best,

 

Andy

Sertraline 50mg and Clonazapam .375mg from 2000 -- symptoms of dizziness Spring 2012

increased to .5 Clonazapam and 100mg Sertraline -- no improvement

Benzo microtaper from November 2012 to November 2014 (followed benzo sites "taper benzo first")

Started Sertraline taper in December 2014 cut by 25mg to 75mg; 62.5mg 1/1/15 and 50mg on 2/1/15

Held at 50mg through April 5 to use liquid 
Reduced dosage in 10% or less drops from 50mg to 25mg -- at single tablet of 25mg on 10/5/15

Transitioned to all liquid for accuracy while tapering -- Horrible insomnia -- back to 25mg liquid and held until October 1, 2016

10/16 -- 11/18 tapered very slowly to 10.6mg.  No real improvement and never really stable so updosed to 12.5mg (1/2 a pill) for convenience and long hold.

After 8+ months of holding with no noticeable improvement decided to add .4ml of liquid Prozac (about 1.5mg) to see if that improves the situation

Supplements, Magnesium, D3, Omega 3, curcumin, Valerian, 81mg Aspirin, L-Theanine, Vit. C,

 

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Sorry to hear of this set back. I am sure it wont be for long.

 

While at pp i printed out all the success stories and would highlight stuff.

 

One of the ones i had read many times and is a wonderful articulate piece of writing is that of Lossleader.

 

Just did a search and it is posted on sa as well and amazingly the exact same paragraph that meant so much to me and that i highlighted is highlighted here too in  red.

 

Anyway i am sure you know about it.

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/3523-success-recovery-from-protracted-zoloft-withdrawal-and-pssd/?p=39880

Thought for the day: Lets stand up, and let’s speak out , together. G Olsen

We have until the 14th. Feb 2018. 

URGENT REQUEST Please consider submitting  for the petition on Prescribed Drug Dependence and Withdrawal currently awaiting its third consideration at the Scottish Parliament. You don't even have to be from Scotland. By clicking on the link below you can read some of the previous submissions but be warned many of them are quite harrowing.

http://www.parliament.scot/GettingInvolved/Petitions/PE01651   

Please tell them about your problems taking and withdrawing from antidepressants and/or benzos.

Send by email to petitions@parliament.scot and quote PE01651 in the subject heading. Keep to a maximum of 3 sides of A4 and you can't name for legal reasons any doctor you have consulted. Tell them if you wish to remain anonymous. We need the numbers to help convince the committee members we are not isolated cases. You have until mid February. Thank you

Recovering paxil addict

None of the published articles shed light on what ssri's ... actually do or what their hazards might be. Healy 2013. 

This is so true, with anything you get on these drugs, dependance, tapering, withdrawal symptoms, side effects, just silent. And if there is something mentioned then their is a serious disconnect between what is said and reality! 

  "Every time I read of a multi-person shooting, I always presume that person had just started a SSRI or had just stopped."  Dr Mosher. Me too! 

Over two decades later, the number of antidepressant prescriptions a year is slightly more than the number of people in the Western world. Most (nine out of 10) prescriptions are for patients who faced difficulties on stopping, equating to about a tenth of the population. These patients are often advised to continue treatment because their difficulties indicate they need ongoing treatment, just as a person with diabetes needs insulin. Healy 2015

I believe the ssri era will soon stand as one of the most shameful in the history of medicine. Healy 2015

Let people help people ... in a natural, kind, non-addictive (and non-big pharma) way. J Broadley 2017

 

 

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Hi, Petu.

 

Wanted to see if you felt any better today.

 

Just checking in.

 

Andy

Sertraline 50mg and Clonazapam .375mg from 2000 -- symptoms of dizziness Spring 2012

increased to .5 Clonazapam and 100mg Sertraline -- no improvement

Benzo microtaper from November 2012 to November 2014 (followed benzo sites "taper benzo first")

Started Sertraline taper in December 2014 cut by 25mg to 75mg; 62.5mg 1/1/15 and 50mg on 2/1/15

Held at 50mg through April 5 to use liquid 
Reduced dosage in 10% or less drops from 50mg to 25mg -- at single tablet of 25mg on 10/5/15

Transitioned to all liquid for accuracy while tapering -- Horrible insomnia -- back to 25mg liquid and held until October 1, 2016

10/16 -- 11/18 tapered very slowly to 10.6mg.  No real improvement and never really stable so updosed to 12.5mg (1/2 a pill) for convenience and long hold.

After 8+ months of holding with no noticeable improvement decided to add .4ml of liquid Prozac (about 1.5mg) to see if that improves the situation

Supplements, Magnesium, D3, Omega 3, curcumin, Valerian, 81mg Aspirin, L-Theanine, Vit. C,

 

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Hi Petunia. I'm so sorry to hear you're in a wave but I'm so happy to hear about that window and to read that in recent months you've been getting more better times and your healing is accelerating. It's a very good sign. I hope you have another window very soon xx

The only way out is through.

 

Aug 2013 - Augmentin leading to akathisia

Sept-Nov 2013 - Citalopram 20mg, severe reaction, off at 5mg. Valium 4mg, prn

Oct 2013 - 5 zopiclone tablets, 7.5mg

End Nov 2013-end Feb 2014, Seroquel, top dose 150mg, off at 25mg

End Nov 2013-early march 2014, Zoloft 100mg top dose, off at 25mg

End Dec-2013-early April 2014, lorazepam 1mg prn

April 3rd 2014 zoloft 5mg for a few days. 18/4/14 - zoloft, 1mg. Came off at 0.35 mg,14th June 2014

29 June 2014 - 1mg lorazepam, last ever

29 June 2014 - med free

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