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☼ Petunia: Recovering from 13 years of antidepressant use.


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#1189 Petunia

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Posted 17 January 2016 - 05:27 PM

:( Wave in progress :(

Ugh! Best I keep quiet until it passes because I seem to be a seething mass of everything negative and discouraging. I'm back in the bottomless dark pit, feeling scared and hopeless (again) Dread has moved back into my body, like a terrible house guest.

 

 


I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal.

 

My Introduction Thread

 

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

 

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety)

Xanax PRN

Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes animal25.gif

 

Supplements which seem to help:  High doses of Vitamin C, Magnesium, Garlic and Ginger.  Taurine, Vit D3, L-Theanine and Inositol. I'm one of the rare people who react badly to fish oil.

 

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

 

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 


#1190 brassmonkey

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Posted 17 January 2016 - 05:50 PM

(((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))


20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mg it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Current dose 0.008mg 03-17-2016

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking


#1191 Petunia

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Posted 17 January 2016 - 06:09 PM

Thanks Tom, that helps.

 

BTDT, I just read something you posted on Muddles's thread and wanted it on mine too because it describes what I'm going through as well, I hope you don't mind me copying it.

 

This is a very lonely existence and the limits make it ever worse I agree and I know... we feel so bad some times we crack and it falls on our loved ones then we feel even worse or I do... there is no even ground where wd is ok and I can say I need this as nobody can provide what I need... I can't even do it.. or don't even know what I need and it shifts constantly....

 

one day I can do something and I am ok the next I can't go near it cause of a smell or some other system default I cannot identify... 

 

one day I can drive another day I can't quite pull it off... 

 

months go by where I can drive I can do this and that and I expect to be able to do those things then there is a shift and I can't what the hell is this... how much longer ... all those questions and no answers... 

 

So yes I know I just don't know how to remain completely flexible for the next bit that is coming that I can't guess now... and at the same time maintain a face for those I love and find some solid ground for my feet. 

 

The skills I have learned so far I guess are important but the fact is I can very quickly be put right back to needing bed and a relaxation video for my survival... it makes not sense it does not seem to be ending and it will change...

 

it will change is often the hope I hang on to... cause it will over and over again it has changed for the better... and yes for the worse... 

 


I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal.

 

My Introduction Thread

 

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

 

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety)

Xanax PRN

Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes animal25.gif

 

Supplements which seem to help:  High doses of Vitamin C, Magnesium, Garlic and Ginger.  Taurine, Vit D3, L-Theanine and Inositol. I'm one of the rare people who react badly to fish oil.

 

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

 

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 


#1192 Christian

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Posted 17 January 2016 - 07:21 PM

Stay strong Petunia!
Lexapro: started in 2002 at 10 mgs.
Ambien: started as a as needed sleep aid in 2010.
Quit Lexapro cold turkey in June 20015 due to contributing to low sodium issues.
Restarted Lexapro in late November for a week (only 5 mgs) but quit due to dizziness side effects. Side effects worsened for 3 weeks until
12/24/15: Protracted WD hit, experienced extreme anxiety, insomnia lack of full concentration and social challenges.
Reinstated Lexapro on 1/1/16 at 5 mgs. Increased per Dr to 7.5 MG. Tapered off Lexapro in March 2016.
Started 50MG of Seroquel in late January 2016 for bedtime to help in eliminate Ambien. Tapered off both Seroquel and Ambien in March 2016.
2/14/16: Prescribed both Remeron (15 MG) and Temazapam (15 MG) for sleep. Also use Klonopin and Ambien again in place of Temazapam to avoid addiction. However I did take Temazapam 60 straight days
6/15/16: Stopped use of all benzo's and now use Belsomra 1-2 times a week. Still on 15 MG of Remeron
10/11/16: Off all psych medications

After kindling, trying to regain my strength suffering from severe mental and physical fatigue.

#1193 Djones1984

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Posted 17 January 2016 - 09:21 PM

Praying for it to be a short one!

March 2013 crashed after last pill and was started on depakote
April 2013 Doc put me back on 40mg of celexa for 2.5 weeks than switched to Paxil 3 weeks adverse reaction
June 2013 back to 20mg celexa and remeron 5mg just got worse
July 2013 5mg celexa and .5 klonopin daily to try and stabilize

5/1/15 3mg celexa and .25mg Klonopin once in the morning and once at night.

11/1/15 .80mg celexa and no change in klonopin, updosed to 1.10 mg after crash 

12/15/15 .80mg celexa and no change to klonopin 

1/1/16 updosed again to 1.10mg celexa and in major withdrawl, no change to klonopin. 

1/25/16 updosed to 1.5mg celexa no change to klonopin 

5/7/16 updosed celexa to 2mg and made everything worse so back down to 1.5mg after 3 days

5/1/16 current klonopin dosing: 7:00am .125mg, 1:00pm .125mg, 7:00pm .125mg, 12:00am .125mg and holding 


#1194 KarenB

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Posted 17 January 2016 - 11:20 PM

Hugs from me too Petunia.  As much as you can please don't feel alone cause we're all thinking of you and wishing better things for you. 

 

Karen

x


2010 May Fluoxetine 20mg. Raging mostly stops, become more functional.
2011 February Escitalopram 10mg (sudden switch). 2012 January Escitalopram 20mg.  2013 Early June Feeling great, decide to taper. Doc advises alternate days 20mg/10mg for 4 weeks.  Late June Steady. Drop to 10mg daily. Early July Not coping, raging, flu symptoms, shaky, anxious, low, spaced-out, self-destructive.  Mid July Return to alternate days 20mg/10mg - minimal improvement. Early August Return to full dose 20mg. Lost.
2014 February Switch to Venlafaxine. (First reduced Esc. to 10mg/day for a week) Feb-April Lost, 'light' self-harm, exhausted.
April Increase Ven. to 150mg/day. Dizzy. July 75mg twice a day to improve dizziness. Deep depression remains.  2015 Feb Vigilant dose spacing partially eases dizziness. Mar Switch to Effexor 75mg 2x/day. May Cut 10% to 135mg - bad w/d 2 mths, held 1 mth.  Aug 1.3% cut - bad 1mth, held 1mth. Oct 4 wkly 0.4% cuts held 6 weeks. Jan 2016 2 wkly 0.4% cuts. 8 month hold. Sept Wkly cuts: 0.5%, 3 1% cuts.  Oct 4 wkly 1% cuts, hold 3-4 weeks.
Supplements: Fish oil, vitamins E & C, magnesium, iron, MSM, oat-straw tea, nettle tea.  My story of healing: ContinuedHealing

***I am not a doctor or counselor; please do your own research and be prepared to take responsibility for decisions you make.*** 

           'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.'  Dr Gabor Mate.


#1195 Petunia

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Posted 18 January 2016 - 07:17 PM

Thanks everyone, I'm feeling a little better today than I was yesterday, in spite of the fact there's been a health emergency in my family.


I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal.

 

My Introduction Thread

 

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

 

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety)

Xanax PRN

Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes animal25.gif

 

Supplements which seem to help:  High doses of Vitamin C, Magnesium, Garlic and Ginger.  Taurine, Vit D3, L-Theanine and Inositol. I'm one of the rare people who react badly to fish oil.

 

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

 

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 


#1196 Hibari

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Posted 18 January 2016 - 07:20 PM

You will get through this Petunia and you are not alone. 

 

This too shall pass, though I know how tough it can be.

 

I hope you continue to get better and better over the next few days. 

 

H


September 2013-April 2014: After the death of my mom in July 2012.-became very depressed in September of 2013. Given a series of antidepressants very quickly from about 4 different psychiatrists in a 6 month period. Each one was from 1 day to 10 days at the most. My body could not handle it-I had Zoloft 4 days, Lexapro-1 day, Nortriptyline-10 days, Liquid Prozac, 1 week, Cymbalta 1 week.

December 2013-September 2014: Put on Xanax after a reaction to the Lexapro, averaging .50-1mg per day. Switched to Clonazepam-midway averaging about 0.25-0.50 daily.

June 2014: Jan/Feb 2015: Put on 7.5 Remeron titrate up to 41.25mgs 

September 2014-July 2015: Put on 25mgs of Lamictal titrate up to 200mgs daily. Also stopped the Clonzepam- never felt the wd I had experienced when I tried to stop it before (knowing nothing about withdrawal) because the Lamictal calmed me down.

 

Currently: Tapering both medications together using micro cuts. Started tapering Remeron in January 2015,  Started tapering Lamictal July 2015 Main wd symptoms-sweating, nausea, headaches, deep crying, anxiety. 12/21/16 Remeron 1.6 Lamictal 22.50 mgs 1/19/17 Remeron 1.2mgs, Lamictal 22.50mg 2/12/17 Remeron 1.2 Lamictal 21.25 mgs  3/4/17 Remeron 0.85  Lamictal 21.25 3/14 Remeron 0.85  Lamictal 20mgs

 

Additional Support: Acupuncture with Reflexology, Alanon, L-Theanine for anxiety as needed, Estradial patch 0.025, Bio-indentical Progesterone cream 150-200  Armour Thyroid 90mgs.


#1197 Petunia

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Posted 18 January 2016 - 07:25 PM

My Full Drug and Withdrawal History to Date

 

My Medication and Withdrawal History:

1997 - Prescribed Zoloft for mild/moderate anxiety, it worked initially, then I slowly developed moderate depression. 

1997 - 2010 Zoloft, then Serzone then Lexapro  (4 unsuccessful attempts to quit)
2007 - 2010 Added for side effects - Phentermine  (major drug interaction), Codeine, a PPI, steroid spray for 'asthma'.

2009  BuSpar added for 2 months
August 2010 Stopped Lexapro after 2 month taper, withdrawal symptoms started after 2 - 3 months.
Nov 2010  Diagnosed with ADHD and started stimulant drugs. Symptoms increased and new ones began.

Severe anxiety, sleep problems, sensitivity to sound and light, skin picking, increased sweating, DP/DR, nightmares plus more.
Feb 2011 – July 2011 Drug free but struggling with increasing symptoms.

August 2011 - May 2013 Irregular use of various drugs trying to manage symptoms including Dexamphetamine, Ritalin, Propranolol, St Johns Wort, Xanax, Buspar, not realizing I was in protracted AD withdrawal.

Took Xanax daily for over a month and became dependent, but didn't realize it. It stopped helping, so I stopped taking it regularly and most likely added benzo withdrawal to my problems.

Early 2013 I tried going on Prozac but symptoms increased and I developed rage.

One month later I tried reinstating Lexapro, symptoms increased and I became severely suicidal.

I was agoraphobic due to akathisa, multiple sensory issues, extreme fear and DP/DR.

Simple daily tasks like making food and showering became a nightmare, I had lost hope and no longer wanted to live.

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

I started trying various supplements in search of symptom relief. For me what helped a little was Magnesium, Taurine, Vitamin C. Later I was able to add Vitamin D3. No caffeine, alcohol or processed foods.

August 2014 Improvement in some symptoms.

October 2015 my first 'real' 11 day window where I felt like I had suddenly turned a corner and recovered completely.

Symptoms return and slow recovery continues animal25.gif

20 Nov 2015  Started taking L-Theanine (Suntheanine) daily and felt immediate relief from anxiety, fear and stress response, with no apparent negative effects. Currently taking 200mg a day in split doses, feeling a lot better and able to do more....until another wave hit 3 weeks later.

Dec 2015 Inositol added, dose slowly increased to 3g a day. Lowered L-Theanine dose.


I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal.

 

My Introduction Thread

 

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

 

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety)

Xanax PRN

Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes animal25.gif

 

Supplements which seem to help:  High doses of Vitamin C, Magnesium, Garlic and Ginger.  Taurine, Vit D3, L-Theanine and Inositol. I'm one of the rare people who react badly to fish oil.

 

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

 

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 


#1198 bubble

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Posted 18 January 2016 - 08:00 PM

Thank you for sharing with us and big hugs

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 (19 yrs)
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000.-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding, significant relief after 2 weeks
9.11. introduced liquid Xanax: 0.4 mg every 5 hours including a night dose

28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6 and 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax

9 month hold

24 Sept 4.​5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2 Lex, 5 Feb 4.1 Lex

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 


#1199 btdt

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Posted 20 January 2016 - 10:56 AM

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

October 2015 my first 'real' 11 day window where I felt like I had suddenly turned a corner and recovered completely.

Symptoms return and slow recovery continues

This is 17 months Nov is 18 months... I had an idea long ago that 18 months there was a turn for the worse after feeling almost healed... I find it curious is all and I can't find my post here about it...

 

use anything of mine you want I am honoured you found it worthy of repeating. 

Hang in there Petu it will change 

I wish you peace


WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivinganti...ng-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)


#1200 btdt

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Posted 20 January 2016 - 11:54 AM

I did a search on the 18 months time frame and have posted in my own thread what I have found starting at post number 943 take a look if you want and feel up to it if not it is not going anywhere...

I wish you peace B


WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivinganti...ng-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)


#1201 Hibari

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Posted 26 January 2016 - 07:30 AM

Hope you are doing all right Petunia. 

 

Are you still experiencing  a wave or has it eased? 


September 2013-April 2014: After the death of my mom in July 2012.-became very depressed in September of 2013. Given a series of antidepressants very quickly from about 4 different psychiatrists in a 6 month period. Each one was from 1 day to 10 days at the most. My body could not handle it-I had Zoloft 4 days, Lexapro-1 day, Nortriptyline-10 days, Liquid Prozac, 1 week, Cymbalta 1 week.

December 2013-September 2014: Put on Xanax after a reaction to the Lexapro, averaging .50-1mg per day. Switched to Clonazepam-midway averaging about 0.25-0.50 daily.

June 2014: Jan/Feb 2015: Put on 7.5 Remeron titrate up to 41.25mgs 

September 2014-July 2015: Put on 25mgs of Lamictal titrate up to 200mgs daily. Also stopped the Clonzepam- never felt the wd I had experienced when I tried to stop it before (knowing nothing about withdrawal) because the Lamictal calmed me down.

 

Currently: Tapering both medications together using micro cuts. Started tapering Remeron in January 2015,  Started tapering Lamictal July 2015 Main wd symptoms-sweating, nausea, headaches, deep crying, anxiety. 12/21/16 Remeron 1.6 Lamictal 22.50 mgs 1/19/17 Remeron 1.2mgs, Lamictal 22.50mg 2/12/17 Remeron 1.2 Lamictal 21.25 mgs  3/4/17 Remeron 0.85  Lamictal 21.25 3/14 Remeron 0.85  Lamictal 20mgs

 

Additional Support: Acupuncture with Reflexology, Alanon, L-Theanine for anxiety as needed, Estradial patch 0.025, Bio-indentical Progesterone cream 150-200  Armour Thyroid 90mgs.


#1202 LoveandLight

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Posted 26 January 2016 - 09:21 AM

Thank you for the lovely post on my thread <3
2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.


Nightmare that could have been avoided!

#1203 Flowers

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Posted 26 January 2016 - 10:38 AM

Hi Petunia

 

I always feel when I am in a wave that it will never pass and that I will be feeling bad forever.

 

But it always passes and I always feel better until the next one.

 

Just keep thinking that it will not be forever.

 

Wishing you strength and peace.

 

Hugs too! xxx


15 yrs on 20 to 30 mgs CITALOPRAM
MAY 2014   Increased to 40mgs
SEPT-NOV 2014 tapered in 6 weeks down to 10mgs as per Dr's instructions due to violent nightmares/palpitations
 Given Noctamid (lormetazepam) to help with anxiety. On average took 2mg per day for 8 weeks.No taper was advised.
DEC 2014 WD severe. Nervous tic in eyes, limbs, muscle pain, fluct. temp,weakness,depression,anxiety,nausea,giddy,
Walking like I am drunk.
DEC 2014 Different Dr suggested taking 20mgs CIT. BROMAZEPAM 3mgs up to 3 x daily for anxiety.
DEC 9 2014 Updose CIT to 30mgs. Only taking BROMAZEPAM in emergency.
DEC 31 2014 Settling at 30mg CIT - helping with depression. Haven't taken any BROMAZEPAM for 2 weeks +.
APR 2015 Trying to stabilise on 30mgs CIT.
JAN 2016 CIT:Started taper. Reducing by 5%. 28.5mgs 
FEB  Taper held bereavement. APR Taper resumed 27mgs . MAY 25.50 mgs .  JUNE 24 mgs .  JULY I stupidly mixed up my BP meds with CIT. Consequently took no CIT for 3 days and doubled my BP meds. Waiting for the fallout....Holding for a while until any chance of repercussions have abated. SEPT taper resumed to  22.5 mgs . OCT 21 mgs .NOV 19.95 mgs. FEB 3rd updose to 20.5 mgs to try to stabilise.FEB.switched over to 75mgs of Venlafaxine XR for 3 weeks.Too stimulating so switching back to Cit. 12 March 37.5 Ven and 20 Cit.

#1204 Petunia

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Posted 27 January 2016 - 12:55 AM

Thanks everyone and big hugs. I wasn't going to post here today, but saw my thread bumped to the first page again so was inspired.

 

I did a search on the 18 months time frame and have posted in my own thread what I have found starting at post number 943 take a look if you want and feel up to it if not it is not going anywhere...

 

 

Yep, there's some interesting stuff there BT, I spent a bit of time reading what you found, I'm not sure I believe there's anything particularly significant about specific times frames for healing though. My guess is that we could search for any number of months and come up with a collection of posts which look like a pattern. It certainly helps though, reading about others patterns of healing, it reinforces for me that this strange, non-linear way the brain and NS heals from drug damage is normal.

 

I was 18 months off Lexapro in early 2012, I can't remember exactly which month, but I know that Christmas 2011 and the 2 months that followed were my very worst time for sleep disruption, thinking distortions, and just my basic inability to function, my brain was definitely not working properly. I did actually get worse, but this point, I think was when I was at my worst from purely lexapro (SSRI) withdrawal, but I can't even say that with any certainty because I was also getting adverse effects from stimulant meds for ADHD.... increased restlessness, sensitivity to to sound and light and compulsive skin picking, which was getting worse and driving me crazy. I would literally spend hours at a time picking at little irregularities in my scalp, I couldn't stop myself from doing it.

 

But then around the end of February, early March, I started to improve, I was designing and working on a house renovation project. I got another wave and things got difficult again for about 3 months, but then there was some improvement again towards the middle of the year (2012). We moved into our own place (daughter and me). I wasn't really taking any drugs at that point, apart from the occasional xanax, or propranolol. The stress of renovating a house and moving had been really hard though and when it was over I sort of collapsed... into what felt like a black hole of depression. I had fully expected that now the stress in my life was over, I would be able to relax properly for the first time in... well forever really and it should have been the beginning of my new, free life.

 

But I couldn't move from my bed and I didn't understand what was going on that's when I made the next big mistake, I tried going back on drugs... 3 separate times, first lexapro again, then prozac then back onto the stimulant drugs. Each time threw me back into new and deeper versions of hell. New and worse symptoms started and old ones which had gone away came back. For the first time in my life I was at risk of suicide and homicide... and I still didn't know it was the drugs making me sicker. I was very confused, I knew they weren't helping, but was still believing that they should have been. They had helped previously... it was a very scary time, I was in agony daily, getting worse all the time and the realization that my doctors had nothing to help me was sinking in.  I couldn't eat, I could hardly move, my hair was falling out, I was losing weight at an alarming rate and I was certain I was dying. I had what I now know to be akathisia and almost every other symptom I've since learned about. I accepted that my life was over and was just going to wait for it to be the end. I lost all hope....totally. I kept up a brave front for my daughter and family, as best I could, but inside I had lost all hope.

 

But those very dark and confusing days are over. It took a while for me to get my mind around the truth, once I stumbled onto it. Actually it took a long time because I had severe cognitive problems and couldn't remember anything for more than a few minutes and had to keep reading the same stuff over and over every day so that I could remember. That's what I was doing for the next year, when my symptoms would subside enough so that I was able to open my computer and read.

 

Maybe 18 months drug free was a turning point for me, but I've had lots of changes in this recovery journey and no point really stands out above any of the others.

 

Another symptom is now completely gone, I'm happy to say that I no longer have any compulsion to skin pick. It took ages to stop, more than a year, even after I stopped taking the stimulants. I don't think that was a withdrawal symptom, but a reaction to stimulants. It started the first time while I was on lexapro and had been prescribed duromine (a stimulant) for weight loss... I didn't make the connection at that time either. Not only do these drugs not help us with our problems, they also impair our ability to recognize how they are harming us. I guess that's what Peter Breggin calls the 'spellbinding' effect.

 

Are you still experiencing  a wave or has it eased? 

 

Thanks for asking Hibari. I'm back at baseline now after a rather extended wavy period plus some painful physical issues and a family health crisis which lasted about a week... my mum was rushed to hospital suddenly with a heart attack, it was a shock because between my parents, she was supposed to be the healthy one. My dad didn't let me know until about 12 hours later and I almost didn't have time to visit her before she was moved to another hospital further away.

 

There's no one in my family now who is completely healthy and capable of taking full responsibility during these difficult times and because I can't do more, the feelings of guilt add even more stress. I managed to do more than I thought I could, lucky I was at the end of the wave when it happened. Everyone is doing ok again now though, well everyone apart from my sister who is one year drug free and still in the depths of protracted withdrawal after long term poly drugging.

 

I'm back at semi-functional baseline with difficult but improved mornings,  with afternoons  and evenings which are fairly ok. Still not much in the way of positive emotions, I get the occasional tiny glimmer of them, but the deep anhedonia and apathy has lifted a little and I've been sleeping with ear plugs and eye mask again so my morning adreneline surges have decreased even more. Still waking up too early, and I still wish I could go back to sleep, but its not so bad.

 

It would be nice to have another real window, but they have been rare, so I expect my next 'event' will be another wave.

 

Hugs and healing to everyone....


I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal.

 

My Introduction Thread

 

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

 

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety)

Xanax PRN

Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes animal25.gif

 

Supplements which seem to help:  High doses of Vitamin C, Magnesium, Garlic and Ginger.  Taurine, Vit D3, L-Theanine and Inositol. I'm one of the rare people who react badly to fish oil.

 

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

 

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 


#1205 btdt

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Posted 27 January 2016 - 01:20 AM

There has been talk about 3 6 and 18 months off being substantial in differences to people...  I only looked up the 18.... glad your feeling better.


WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivinganti...ng-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)


#1206 Flowers

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Posted 27 January 2016 - 01:47 AM

So sorry that your Mum has been poorly. That would have a big impact on anyone let alone someone in WD.

 

You have had quite a journey but have come so far - keep going Petunia, you are strong.

 

xxxx


15 yrs on 20 to 30 mgs CITALOPRAM
MAY 2014   Increased to 40mgs
SEPT-NOV 2014 tapered in 6 weeks down to 10mgs as per Dr's instructions due to violent nightmares/palpitations
 Given Noctamid (lormetazepam) to help with anxiety. On average took 2mg per day for 8 weeks.No taper was advised.
DEC 2014 WD severe. Nervous tic in eyes, limbs, muscle pain, fluct. temp,weakness,depression,anxiety,nausea,giddy,
Walking like I am drunk.
DEC 2014 Different Dr suggested taking 20mgs CIT. BROMAZEPAM 3mgs up to 3 x daily for anxiety.
DEC 9 2014 Updose CIT to 30mgs. Only taking BROMAZEPAM in emergency.
DEC 31 2014 Settling at 30mg CIT - helping with depression. Haven't taken any BROMAZEPAM for 2 weeks +.
APR 2015 Trying to stabilise on 30mgs CIT.
JAN 2016 CIT:Started taper. Reducing by 5%. 28.5mgs 
FEB  Taper held bereavement. APR Taper resumed 27mgs . MAY 25.50 mgs .  JUNE 24 mgs .  JULY I stupidly mixed up my BP meds with CIT. Consequently took no CIT for 3 days and doubled my BP meds. Waiting for the fallout....Holding for a while until any chance of repercussions have abated. SEPT taper resumed to  22.5 mgs . OCT 21 mgs .NOV 19.95 mgs. FEB 3rd updose to 20.5 mgs to try to stabilise.FEB.switched over to 75mgs of Venlafaxine XR for 3 weeks.Too stimulating so switching back to Cit. 12 March 37.5 Ven and 20 Cit.

#1207 ang

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Posted 27 January 2016 - 03:30 AM

Thankyou for sharing    

 

I am around 18 months,,,,,,,,,,, damn I had a great two weeks there before christmas, was running on 80%............... for the previous time, never above 20%.                    Seems worse when the window closes, and how horrible I feel now.... We are suffering together Petunia,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,   I wish I had some strength to send you, but I have none.

 

I thankyou for sharing when you are not feeling well.


1992 Dothiepin 375mg 8 weeks, exhaustion/depression.  Serotonin syndrome, oh yes!  seizures . Fell pregnant, 3rd baby, Nitrous Oxide, 3 weeks mental hospital pp psychosis. zoloft tegretol.

Feb 1996 ct tegretol, tapered Zoloft 8 weeks. as (unexpectedly)  pregnant. Steven died after 3 days.(Zolft HLHS baby).  98 had run in with Paxil, 2 tablets, 3 weeks taper, survived.
2005..menopause? exhausted again. Zyprexa, mad in three days, fallout....  Seroquel, Effexor, tegretol,   and 8 years of self destruction. Failed taper.
Damn 1/4 valium... nuts again! .fallout, zoloft 100mg  seroquol 400mg mirtazapine 45 mg  tegretol 400mg.  Mid 14 3 month taper. Nov 14 CRASH.
Mid 15 ....   75mg  seroquel,  3 x 1800mg SJW  2 week window end of December followed by 6 week wave
5/2 68mg seroquel, 2.5 x 1800mg SJW::::20/2 61mg seroquel, 2.5 x  SJW::: 26/2 54mg seroquel, 2 x SJW::::21/3 43mg seroquel, 1 x 2700SJW :::: 23/4 36mg seroquel 1 x 1800 SJW
15/5 33mg seroquel, 1 x SJW::::   28/5 30mg seroquel, 1 x SJW::::;  18/6 25mg seroquel 1/2 SJW::::, 11/7 21mg seroquel 1/2 SJW::, 26/7 18mg seroquel 1/2 SJW:::, 9/8 12mg seroquel :::, 16/8 6mg seroquel ;;;;, 12/9 0 jump.

23/9  3mg.....,  27/9 0mg.  Reinstated, 6mg, then 12mg.............  LIGHTBULB MOMENT,  I have  MTHFR 2x mutations.  CFS and issues with MOULD in my home. So I left home, and working 150km away during week, loving it.

Oh was hard, panic attacks first week, gone now, along with the mould issues.


#1208 ang

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Posted 27 January 2016 - 03:32 AM

btdt share it with me   :)


1992 Dothiepin 375mg 8 weeks, exhaustion/depression.  Serotonin syndrome, oh yes!  seizures . Fell pregnant, 3rd baby, Nitrous Oxide, 3 weeks mental hospital pp psychosis. zoloft tegretol.

Feb 1996 ct tegretol, tapered Zoloft 8 weeks. as (unexpectedly)  pregnant. Steven died after 3 days.(Zolft HLHS baby).  98 had run in with Paxil, 2 tablets, 3 weeks taper, survived.
2005..menopause? exhausted again. Zyprexa, mad in three days, fallout....  Seroquel, Effexor, tegretol,   and 8 years of self destruction. Failed taper.
Damn 1/4 valium... nuts again! .fallout, zoloft 100mg  seroquol 400mg mirtazapine 45 mg  tegretol 400mg.  Mid 14 3 month taper. Nov 14 CRASH.
Mid 15 ....   75mg  seroquel,  3 x 1800mg SJW  2 week window end of December followed by 6 week wave
5/2 68mg seroquel, 2.5 x 1800mg SJW::::20/2 61mg seroquel, 2.5 x  SJW::: 26/2 54mg seroquel, 2 x SJW::::21/3 43mg seroquel, 1 x 2700SJW :::: 23/4 36mg seroquel 1 x 1800 SJW
15/5 33mg seroquel, 1 x SJW::::   28/5 30mg seroquel, 1 x SJW::::;  18/6 25mg seroquel 1/2 SJW::::, 11/7 21mg seroquel 1/2 SJW::, 26/7 18mg seroquel 1/2 SJW:::, 9/8 12mg seroquel :::, 16/8 6mg seroquel ;;;;, 12/9 0 jump.

23/9  3mg.....,  27/9 0mg.  Reinstated, 6mg, then 12mg.............  LIGHTBULB MOMENT,  I have  MTHFR 2x mutations.  CFS and issues with MOULD in my home. So I left home, and working 150km away during week, loving it.

Oh was hard, panic attacks first week, gone now, along with the mould issues.


#1209 Petunia

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Posted 28 January 2016 - 09:57 PM

 Seems worse when the window closes, and how horrible I feel now....

 

Yup! That's exactly what I felt when I got my first window and it closed.  I didn't want em, they seemed too cruel. It was like "give me back my life or don't, but stop teasing me with a crumb then taking it away again"

 

Thank you for your kind words Flowers.


I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal.

 

My Introduction Thread

 

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

 

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety)

Xanax PRN

Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes animal25.gif

 

Supplements which seem to help:  High doses of Vitamin C, Magnesium, Garlic and Ginger.  Taurine, Vit D3, L-Theanine and Inositol. I'm one of the rare people who react badly to fish oil.

 

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

 

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 


#1210 Petunia

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Posted 01 February 2016 - 11:53 PM

Updating because I'm in a wave and can't do much of anything else.

 

I had a fairly reasonable week, although that's relative. My baseline these days is bearable and I even noticed a few tiny positive emotions creeping in at times. I noticed some enthusiasm for little things and a willingness to put a bit more effort into details with things like preparing food, writing, choosing things when shopping. Things were starting to matter again.

 

Its difficult to put the improvements into words because its subtle, but I noticed, I was handling my daily routines better, was feeling a growing confidence that my abilities were coming back, I was going to be ok.

 

But two days ago I got some new symptoms (for me) Dizzy, lightheaded, with racing, ruminating thoughts. I'm not saying I've never had these things. I've had spells of feeling dizzy and light headed. Racing ruminating thoughts used to be part of my morning wake-up routine for several years.

 

But two days ago I got hit with this set of symptoms and they stayed. Its like suddenly, all the energy in my body had rushed into my head, but not like a pressure. My body from my neck down felt like a heavy, disconnected entity, not part of me at all and its been doing things on auto-pilot while I've been swirling around in my head hardly noticing what my body was doing.

 

My body was raking up leaves, planting coriander seedlings and walking around the park, but I've been somewhere else and I look back in wonder at who it was who just did those things. I haven't been able to concentrate or focus on anything for more than a minute or two at a time, something has been bothering me, distracting me, my thoughts have been spinning around and around various issues as my mind tries to find some kind of closure, a solution where perhaps there isn't one.

 

This feels entirely different from my previous episodes of depersonalization because now, there's very little anxiety connected with it. Apart from the secondary anxiety caused by my worrying about what's going on now. It started with dizziness and a slight headache, then progressed.

 

And today, the changes continued, I woke up two hours later than usual, which is very rare, these days I wake up at 5am and wish I could go back to sleep. But this morning I woke up and looked at the time and it was just before 7.  I suddenly felt very disoriented and the anxiety/dread was back and everything about me felt wrong again.  My brain was dead again, no more racing and frustration, just irritability and so, so tired.

 

Then there was the phone call, much too early in the morning, reminding me what I had planned for this afternoon. I can't do it, I can't leave the house again. I can't do anything again. Nothing is making sense again, another chunk of my brain must have just gone down for maintenance. Its weird how I'm having to write this. I can't type and think at the same time like I usually do. I'm having to construct a sentence in my mind, hold it there and switch the little bit of brain energy I have into the typing circuits and I'm making heaps of mistakes.

 

I ended up giving up and going back to sleep, so miserable, so despondent. I don't want to still be so out of control of my life. It was nice to have a few days of feeling a bit better, of being able to grab onto a real sense that I was getting better. One more little grain of hope to stash away, but I'm looking for it now and its not there. I know I had it, it must still be around here somewhere, perhaps I imagined it.

 

Who am I now? I'm no longer the person I thought I was. I'm not who other people think I am, or want me to be. This body, that I used to feel so intimately connected with is now some alien creature with a will of its own, I no longer recognize it as being associated with me, I seem to be stuck inside something entirely wrong, there has been a big mistake and I don't know how to fix it.

 

Its the middle of the afternoon now and I've managed to wake myself up properly, this isn't like me, this is completely different from my normal pattern.  I was standing in the kitchen trying to make something to eat having a very strange sensation like my physical body was trying to dissolve into the ground and my energy was being pulled up out of me. I hurried up making my food and took it back to bed. I'm trying to listen to an audiobook, but keep falling asleep.

 

I'm struggling hard to remember what I know, this is a wave and its effecting my cognitive ability to remember that it's a wave. I need my brain to be working properly to enable me to do what I need to do to get through this wave which is effecting my brain... is that a paradox? I forgot what a paradox is, and a whole bunch of other words. Maybe I'm having a stroke or I have a brain tumor.

 

Nope, that's one of those other things we're not supposed to do when in withdrawal, speculate about other ... my brain has turned into pudding.


I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal.

 

My Introduction Thread

 

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

 

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety)

Xanax PRN

Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes animal25.gif

 

Supplements which seem to help:  High doses of Vitamin C, Magnesium, Garlic and Ginger.  Taurine, Vit D3, L-Theanine and Inositol. I'm one of the rare people who react badly to fish oil.

 

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

 

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 


#1211 Fresh

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Posted 02 February 2016 - 12:27 AM

Just let it happen Miss PuddingBrain . . . it isn't permanent , you do know that.  You're just as likely to feel back to baseline in a day or two.

  

I believe that when we need to sleep more we should go for it - there are so many times when it's impossible to sleep during this process.  Nothing to feel guilty about when you need to shut down a bit.

 

:)


1987-1997 pertofran , prothiaden , Prozac 1997-2002 Zoloft 2002-2004 effexor 2004-2010 Lexapro 40mg
2010-2012Cymbalta 120mg
Sept. 2012 -decreased 90mg in 6months. Care taken over by Dr Lucire in March 2013 , decreased last 30mg at 2mg per week over 3 months. July 21 , 2013- last dose of Cymbalta
Protracted withdrawal syndrome kicked in badly Jan.2014 Unrelenting akathisia until May 2014. Voluntary hosp. admission. Cocktail of Seroquel, Ativan and mirtazapine and I was well enough to go home after 14 days. Stopped all hosp. meds in next few months.
July 2014 felt v.depressed - couldn't stop crying. Started pristiq 50mg. Felt improvement within days and continued to improve, so stayed on 50mg for 8 months.
Began taper 28 Feb. 2015. Pristiq 50mg down to 45mg. Had one month of w/d symptoms. Started CES therapy in March. No w/d symptoms down to 30mg.
October 2015 , taking 25mg Pristiq. Capsules compounded with slow-release additive.
March 2016 , 21mg

#1212 WinningThrough

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Posted 03 February 2016 - 01:58 AM

Sending hugs and healing thoughts to you petunia :-)
The only way out is through.

Aug 2013 - Augmentin leading to akathisia
Sept-Nov 2013 - Citalopram 20mg, severe reaction, off at 5mg. Valium 4mg, prn
Oct 2013 - 5 zopiclone tablets, 7.5mg
End Nov 2013-end Feb 2014, Seroquel, top dose 150mg, off at 25mg
End Nov 2013-early march 2014, Zoloft 100mg top dose, off at 25mg
End Dec-2013-early April 2014, lorazepam 1mg prn
April 3rd 2014 zoloft 5mg for a few days. 18/4/14 - zoloft, 1mg. Came off at 0.35 mg,14th June 2014
29 June 2014 - 1mg lorazepam, last ever
29 June 2014 - med free

#1213 AliG

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Posted 03 February 2016 - 02:30 AM

Petunia.  You're very strong.  You're not having a stroke , or brain tumor.  It's just plain old withdrawal - still !   I know it's so hard , but I know you're going to make it , and come out of this with " flying colors " .

Hugs,

Ali


Many SSRI's &SSNRI's over 20 years . Zoloft - 7 years .  Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and many more - on and off . No tapering. Cold turkey -  Valdoxan - end of May 2014

 

                                                            Drug free since May, 2014
.
             "Find a place inside where there's joy and the joy will burn out the pain" - Joseph Campbell


#1214 Petunia

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Posted 03 February 2016 - 02:47 AM

Just let it happen Miss PuddingBrain . . .

 

:) :) :)

 

lol I just found this: How to make a Pudding Brain

 

 

 Nothing to feel guilty about when you need to shut down a bit.

 

I don't think it was guilt, more like  'OMG! what's going on now'  But I agree Fresh, sleep is good, next time it happens I'll try and remember to embrace it.

 

Later in the day I did manage to get out and do what I'd planned, the DP/DR was back and it was difficult, I was glad to get back home. I had a vivid dream last night which was symbolic of a painful aspect of my ex-marriage, as soon as I woke up I knew what it meant. I was being shown a reality I wasn't able to accept at the time, denial, the drugs... who knows? My ex-husband never saw me as an equal partner, a friend or someone he wanted to spend time with, I was of value only as long as I was being useful to him.

 

Loosing my marriage felt like a huge loss, a failure and something I should have been able to prevent. But there never really was a marriage it was an illusion wrapped around a piece of paper.

 

The dream ended with me about to head down a dark, narrow passageway which was filled with spiders and old dusty webs. It was obvious that no one had been down there in years.  I had a can of bug spray and a flash light. I didn't really want to do it, but it had to be done.... then I woke up.

 

Feeling a bit better today.  Thanks WT and AliG


I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal.

 

My Introduction Thread

 

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

 

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety)

Xanax PRN

Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes animal25.gif

 

Supplements which seem to help:  High doses of Vitamin C, Magnesium, Garlic and Ginger.  Taurine, Vit D3, L-Theanine and Inositol. I'm one of the rare people who react badly to fish oil.

 

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

 

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 


#1215 catnapt

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Posted 03 February 2016 - 03:08 AM

I'm so sorry you are going thru a rough patch

 

oh where do you live that you can plant seeds already?!? I am so looking forward to that time of year but it comes pretty late here in NH

LOL

 

ETA: doh, it says you're in Australia. Not even the same season, let alone country or continent or hemisphere lol

 

do you plant veggies or just herbs? flowers?

and yes, I am purposely trying to distract you with things that hopefully bring you joy

;-)


1974-2002 many psych meds, all types; longest used drugs include lithium, seroquel, SSRI's zoloft & celexa; many CT's off drugs

2002-2015 on varying doses of lexapro, as  high as 40 mgs, but usually 20mgs

June 2015: tapered too fast to 2.5mgs, then to 2.5mgs every other day Dec 2015:  found SA forum; holding at 2.5mgs 

Early May 2016: jumped off at 2.5mgs, not smart- crashed in late Sept.

Oct 26 2016  reinstated liquid lexapro 0.05ml/day at night, dose +/- til settling on 0.15BID (0.3/day)= windows and waves

Jan 8, 2017 too quick switch to single dose in the morning, 0.3mgs (bad mistake, led to a crash)

Jan 12 added low dose zyprexa for SI, took infrequently as rescue med, last dose Feb.15

Jan 26 lexapro 0.27mg Feb 25 lexapro updose back to 0.3mg due to unrelenting severe insomnia

March 1 insomnia got worse, back down to 0.29 for one day, then 0.27, then 0.25- improving!! March 17 0.24

March 7 added low dose lamictal, titrated up to 25mgs March 25

Supplements: vit D-3, Magnesium taurate 250mg, chromium, pro-biotic, biotin, valerian root, L-theanine


#1216 Djones1984

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Posted 03 February 2016 - 07:59 AM

I am sorry your in a bad wave. Your symptoms sound so familiar to mine. I have had the dizziness for a fee weeks and than it goes away and my brain just feels dead.

You will get through it and be back to a baseline in no time.

March 2013 crashed after last pill and was started on depakote
April 2013 Doc put me back on 40mg of celexa for 2.5 weeks than switched to Paxil 3 weeks adverse reaction
June 2013 back to 20mg celexa and remeron 5mg just got worse
July 2013 5mg celexa and .5 klonopin daily to try and stabilize

5/1/15 3mg celexa and .25mg Klonopin once in the morning and once at night.

11/1/15 .80mg celexa and no change in klonopin, updosed to 1.10 mg after crash 

12/15/15 .80mg celexa and no change to klonopin 

1/1/16 updosed again to 1.10mg celexa and in major withdrawl, no change to klonopin. 

1/25/16 updosed to 1.5mg celexa no change to klonopin 

5/7/16 updosed celexa to 2mg and made everything worse so back down to 1.5mg after 3 days

5/1/16 current klonopin dosing: 7:00am .125mg, 1:00pm .125mg, 7:00pm .125mg, 12:00am .125mg and holding 


#1217 brassmonkey

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Posted 03 February 2016 - 10:56 AM

Hi Petu--  I frequently think dreams are just the minds way of entertaining itself while the body is asleep.  But once in a while they can have very strong messages.  This one is saying "it's time".  One spider, one cobb web at a time and burn out those dark corners with the flashlight.

 

((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))


20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mg it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Current dose 0.008mg 03-17-2016

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking


#1218 Petunia

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Posted 03 February 2016 - 08:26 PM

Warning: very miserable, depressing post so don't read it if you're looking for hope and encouragement.

 

thanks catnapt for the distraction, and Djones, brass.....

 

Wanting to document what's going on. Yesterday afternoon I thought I was coming out of it. But this morning has been brutal, symptoms like I was getting over a year ago.  Intense physical fear, like I'm being electrocuted at low power and I woke up to strangers talking in my head again.  A woman with a strong accent was trying to tell me that her husband beat her badly, maybe to death, I'm not sure... there were others too, all clamoring for my attention. They weren't voices, but loud thoughts if that makes any sense. Usually, my thoughts are my own, but these were not my thoughts, its scary to suddenly have your mind taken over by strangers.  Eventually I got them all out of there, but I'm still left with this zappy, shaky nauseated body.

 

I didn't do anything different.  There's this thumping noise going on outside. Its been doing it for days.  I went to my parents house a few days ago, the same noise was there, I thought it must be in my head, but my sister said she was hearing it too.  Normally it wouldn't bother me, but now I'm super sensitized again and its driving me crazy.  Closing the windows doesn't help at all, its such a low frequency noise its like its coming up through the ground, through the walls, I wish it would stop.

 

I'm trying to think, did I do something different, did I eat something different..... I'm going hot and cold again, all that had stopped. But its a wave and in a wave the bad stuff comes back... that's what a wave is. I forget because I don't have regular windows, just a miserable baseline which creeps up very slowly. But I can't even say I don't have windows, I've had a few over the last 3 years.

 

I don't know what's worse, having a window and going back to baseline or dropping from baseline into a wave. This is more frightening, how much worse is it going to get? Will I be able to endure it? What if it just keeps getting worse and worse and doesn't stop? I can't go back there, I already did my time in hell.

 

The problem is, I can't remember anything now, the fear has taken over and I'm just basically freaking out. I'm thinking that I've had a permanent set back, that this is the way its going to be now, my recovery has to start all over again from here. My brain is incapable of holding onto the possibility that I'll be feeling ok again in a few days??? I'm locked into this moment, there's no future, only this.

 

Catnapt, you asked me something.... over the last 6 months I've been able to get back into doing some gardening. Its a bitter sweet kind of hobby at the moment. I did most of the work during a few brief windows, I planted herbs and flowers, started cuttings and various other projects. Then when I've gone back to base line and especially in waves, its difficult to take care of what I've planted.

 

I'm also anhedonic, so I get no pleasure from any of it. Cognitively I know the flowers look beautiful, but I can't feel it. I was getting good feelings while in the windows, that's what motivated me to do things, but they went away and left me with a sense of responsibility for now taking care of what I created.

 

I bought some fig trees while in a window too. At the time I felt enthusiastic and was planning to turn part of my garden into a small orchard, but now its like, what was I thinking? I managed to transplant them into bigger pots, which was difficult while not in a window and now I water them every evening, along with the rest of my garden, but its a chore and when I'm in a wave its a frightening chore because I get agoraphobic and don't want to go outside.... this is so much not like me, I can't believe its come to this. I used to love nature and plants and animals. I felt deeply connected with things, like as if we shared the same life force and I could feel what they were feeling and almost instinctively know what they needed. But now all that's gone, there is only fear and separation and an empty feeling of being disconnected from everything good.

 

Its so hard to live this way, with no feelings of satisfaction, pleasure or accomplishment from anything I do. I remember what it was like to feel good, to have positive emotions arise naturally in response to pleasant life experiences. But now there is only deadness and a sinking, sick sense of loss at how meaningless everything now feels. I don't know how I will keep going if good feelings don't come back and stay back. I don't know how stopping lexapro too fast killed all my good feelings, they were somewhat muted while I was on the drugs, but I still had access to good feelings. Before drugs I had huge emotions, both the good ones and the bad ones. Now I only have the bad ones, it doesn't make sense.

 

This has turned into a very miserable post, I'm sorry, I guess I'll feel better in a while, but this is how it is right now and I'm not going to... um... what's that phrase? Sugar coat it?  Right now I just want to curl up in a hole and die.

 

.... and I'm getting the urge to delete this and not post anything at all because for me, feeling bad equals being bad. Being bad makes me feel ashamed. Feeling ashamed makes me want to disappear and not exist. Making this post disappear is like making me disappear.

 

Writing this seems to have helped a bit, well it did for a few seconds, now I'm feeling awful again :( :) :( ... then I wrote a few more paragraphs and deleted them, started writing them again and deleted them again :wacko: at least the thumping noise has stopped now.


I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal.

 

My Introduction Thread

 

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

 

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety)

Xanax PRN

Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes animal25.gif

 

Supplements which seem to help:  High doses of Vitamin C, Magnesium, Garlic and Ginger.  Taurine, Vit D3, L-Theanine and Inositol. I'm one of the rare people who react badly to fish oil.

 

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

 

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 


#1219 LexAnger

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Posted 03 February 2016 - 09:03 PM

Omg, dear petunia, this sounds horrible. I am so so sorry you are suffering so much at this moment too with the weird and scary symptoms! God have mercy to you and everyone in this hellish process! You have been incredibly strong holding, and helping others all these years while enduring so much yourself. You deserve so much support and care from everyone else too. We are all trying our best to be strong and positive, but receiving help and to be heard is equally important so we can hang on for each other.

I so wish I could hug you and keep you company in person so we can overcome each wave until they are all beaten up.

Sending love and lots hugs,
Lex
<p>2009 Mar.: lexapro 10mg for headache for 2 weeks.2009-2012: on and off 1/4 to 1/3 of 10mg2012 June--2013 Jan,: 1/4-1/3 of 10mg generic, bad jaw pain2013 Jan-Mar: 10 mg generic. severe jaw and head pain; Mar--Aug. started tapering (liquid ever since) from 10 to 5 (one step) then gradually down to 2.25 mg, first ever panic attack, severe head/jaw pain2013 Aug.: back to 2.75 mg; Nov: back to Brand Lex. 2.75mg -- 3mg, slight improvement with pain2014 June: stopped PPI, head pressure/numbness. up-dosed 4.5mg, severe reaction mental symptoms added on2014 Aug--2015 Aug: Micro taper down to 3.2mg, .025mg (<1%) cut holding 2-3 weeks.2015 Aug 15th, Accidental one dose of 4.2mg. worsening brain non-functional, swollen head, body, coma like, DR2016 Feb., started fast taper for the drug toxicity caused by the one dose of 4.2mg, dosing 10am through 11 pm everyday2/13--3.2mg, 3/15-- 2.9mg, 4/19-- 2.6mg, 6/26--2.2mg, 7/22 --1.9mg, 8/16--1.8mg,8/31--1.7m g, 9/13--1.6mg, 9/27--1.5mg, 10/8--1.4mg, 10/14--1.3mg, 11/1--1.2mg, 11/29--1.1mg, 12/12--1mg, 12/22--0.9mg2017: 1/7--0.8mg, 1/15--0.7mg, 1/17--0.6mg, 1/20--0.52, 1/21--0.4mg, 1/22--0.26, 1/23--0.2, sliding Down to 0.13mg by 2/13, then 0.07mg since 2/18, 0.06mg 2/20-3/17, 0.13mg 3/18

#1220 KarenB

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Posted 03 February 2016 - 09:57 PM

Petunia I'm glad you wrote your post, and I'm glad you were honest.  It's an honour for us that you chose to trust us with your experiences, especially when it gives you such awful feelings when you do.

 

There's just no words for what happens to people sometimes in this life.  I hope you have someone there to sit with you, or if not - please bring to mind how we are all here, holding you in our thoughts.  You are really precious to us.

 

Karen

x


2010 May Fluoxetine 20mg. Raging mostly stops, become more functional.
2011 February Escitalopram 10mg (sudden switch). 2012 January Escitalopram 20mg.  2013 Early June Feeling great, decide to taper. Doc advises alternate days 20mg/10mg for 4 weeks.  Late June Steady. Drop to 10mg daily. Early July Not coping, raging, flu symptoms, shaky, anxious, low, spaced-out, self-destructive.  Mid July Return to alternate days 20mg/10mg - minimal improvement. Early August Return to full dose 20mg. Lost.
2014 February Switch to Venlafaxine. (First reduced Esc. to 10mg/day for a week) Feb-April Lost, 'light' self-harm, exhausted.
April Increase Ven. to 150mg/day. Dizzy. July 75mg twice a day to improve dizziness. Deep depression remains.  2015 Feb Vigilant dose spacing partially eases dizziness. Mar Switch to Effexor 75mg 2x/day. May Cut 10% to 135mg - bad w/d 2 mths, held 1 mth.  Aug 1.3% cut - bad 1mth, held 1mth. Oct 4 wkly 0.4% cuts held 6 weeks. Jan 2016 2 wkly 0.4% cuts. 8 month hold. Sept Wkly cuts: 0.5%, 3 1% cuts.  Oct 4 wkly 1% cuts, hold 3-4 weeks.
Supplements: Fish oil, vitamins E & C, magnesium, iron, MSM, oat-straw tea, nettle tea.  My story of healing: ContinuedHealing

***I am not a doctor or counselor; please do your own research and be prepared to take responsibility for decisions you make.*** 

           'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.'  Dr Gabor Mate.


#1221 catnapt

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Posted 04 February 2016 - 02:00 AM

Warning: very miserable, depressing post so don't read it if you're looking for hope and encouragement.

 

thanks catnapt for the distraction, and Djones, brass.....

 

Wanting to document what's going on. Yesterday afternoon I thought I was coming out of it. But this morning has been brutal, symptoms like I was getting over a year ago.  Intense physical fear, like I'm being electrocuted at low power and I woke up to strangers talking in my head again.  A woman with a strong accent was trying to tell me that her husband beat her badly, maybe to death, I'm not sure... there were others too, all clamoring for my attention. They weren't voices, but loud thoughts if that makes any sense. Usually, my thoughts are my own, but these were not my thoughts, its scary to suddenly have your mind taken over by strangers.  Eventually I got them all out of there, but I'm still left with this zappy, shaky nauseated body.

 

I didn't do anything different.  There's this thumping noise going on outside. Its been doing it for days.  I went to my parents house a few days ago, the same noise was there, I thought it must be in my head, but my sister said she was hearing it too.  Normally it wouldn't bother me, but now I'm super sensitized again and its driving me crazy.  Closing the windows doesn't help at all, its such a low frequency noise its like its coming up through the ground, through the walls, I wish it would stop.

 

I'm trying to think, did I do something different, did I eat something different..... I'm going hot and cold again, all that had stopped. But its a wave and in a wave the bad stuff comes back... that's what a wave is. I forget because I don't have regular windows, just a miserable baseline which creeps up very slowly. But I can't even say I don't have windows, I've had a few over the last 3 years.

 

I don't know what's worse, having a window and going back to baseline or dropping from baseline into a wave. This is more frightening, how much worse is it going to get? Will I be able to endure it? What if it just keeps getting worse and worse and doesn't stop? I can't go back there, I already did my time in hell.

 

The problem is, I can't remember anything now, the fear has taken over and I'm just basically freaking out. I'm thinking that I've had a permanent set back, that this is the way its going to be now, my recovery has to start all over again from here. My brain is incapable of holding onto the possibility that I'll be feeling ok again in a few days??? I'm locked into this moment, there's no future, only this.

 

Catnapt, you asked me something.... over the last 6 months I've been able to get back into doing some gardening. Its a bitter sweet kind of hobby at the moment. I did most of the work during a few brief windows, I planted herbs and flowers, started cuttings and various other projects. Then when I've gone back to base line and especially in waves, its difficult to take care of what I've planted.

 

I'm also anhedonic, so I get no pleasure from any of it. Cognitively I know the flowers look beautiful, but I can't feel it. I was getting good feelings while in the windows, that's what motivated me to do things, but they went away and left me with a sense of responsibility for now taking care of what I created.

 

I bought some fig trees while in a window too. At the time I felt enthusiastic and was planning to turn part of my garden into a small orchard, but now its like, what was I thinking? I managed to transplant them into bigger pots, which was difficult while not in a window and now I water them every evening, along with the rest of my garden, but its a chore and when I'm in a wave its a frightening chore because I get agoraphobic and don't want to go outside.... this is so much not like me, I can't believe its come to this. I used to love nature and plants and animals. I felt deeply connected with things, like as if we shared the same life force and I could feel what they were feeling and almost instinctively know what they needed. But now all that's gone, there is only fear and separation and an empty feeling of being disconnected from everything good.

 

Its so hard to live this way, with no feelings of satisfaction, pleasure or accomplishment from anything I do. I remember what it was like to feel good, to have positive emotions arise naturally in response to pleasant life experiences. But now there is only deadness and a sinking, sick sense of loss at how meaningless everything now feels. I don't know how I will keep going if good feelings don't come back and stay back. I don't know how stopping lexapro too fast killed all my good feelings, they were somewhat muted while I was on the drugs, but I still had access to good feelings. Before drugs I had huge emotions, both the good ones and the bad ones. Now I only have the bad ones, it doesn't make sense.

 

This has turned into a very miserable post, I'm sorry, I guess I'll feel better in a while, but this is how it is right now and I'm not going to... um... what's that phrase? Sugar coat it?  Right now I just want to curl up in a hole and die.

 

.... and I'm getting the urge to delete this and not post anything at all because for me, feeling bad equals being bad. Being bad makes me feel ashamed. Feeling ashamed makes me want to disappear and not exist. Making this post disappear is like making me disappear.

 

Writing this seems to have helped a bit, well it did for a few seconds, now I'm feeling awful again :( :) :( ... then I wrote a few more paragraphs and deleted them, started writing them again and deleted them again :wacko: at least the thumping noise has stopped now.

 

 

 

OH ((((Petunia))) I can relate to so much in your post, and I admire your courage to write it and not delete it.

Feeling bad is NOT the same as being bad, but OMG that is so how I've felt too, and it's like adding insult to injury. Please do not feel ashamed!! feeling bad is not being bad. you are not in ANY way bad. Our feelings are just feelings, they are not facts and they do not make us good or bad, they only make us HUMAN.

 

(this makes me wonder if you had a childhood like mine, where only a few feelings were ok, and all others were actually punished. Not being/showing/expressing gratitude, we were punished for that. being angry=punished. and so on)

 

DO NOT disappear, please, we would MISS YOU so very much! *I* would miss you so much!! you are so generous in all that you share and the way you care for others here. You do not deserve all the crap you're going thru.

 

I agree completely with what LexAnger said: We are all trying our best to be strong and positive, but receiving help and to be heard is equally important so we can hang on for each other.

 

I am so sorry that WD has brought you anhedonia (I had that ON the meds, now that I am off I am finally able to feel a bit of REAL feelings and it's thrilling- even when they are sadness or anger, at least they feel real now)

I am grateful for that but so sad to see it's not that way for everyone. and esp not you.

 

yeh, I can relate to the doing something during a window or a semi good time and then regretting it later, the added responsibility and work. I'll tell you a shameful secret of mine- I've adopted several pets, one of them a cat, in the past er, 8 yrs, when I felt good and really believed I could care for them, and have had to rehome them when things got rough and I really could NOT take care of them. This has lost me a lot of my friends, who are very much "into" rescuing, and left me banned from adopting from a few of the local shelters. It's horribly embarrassing to me. It turns out that the cat who was re-homed is a lot better off in her new placement but two of the rats I gave up ended up in an abusive home, and I have such remorse about that. I can't dwell on these things though, or I would not be able to go forward. I just try to do better, not really sure what better is, when you don't know if you're having a window, or if you've finally recovered. (at the time I didn't even know that I was goign thru WD, it was one of the many times i stopped CT not knowing any better, or on the advice of a dr)

 

Sorry I'm jumping around a bit here, there was so much in your post that resonates with me. I am very very glad that you were so courageous to share it. I have been going thru something similar with noises. When I go outside it's the worst, I walked downtown on Monday and kept turning around because sounds were so, acute? so up close, even though they were coming from things happening far away, I kept checking to see if someone was following me, or if the truck I heard was getting so close I needed to jump out of the way.

Not sure if that's exactly the same as what you're experiencing but it might be similar.

 

and the wondering if you did something that brought the wave on, or made it worse, yes yes yes. I will check and check and try to relate it back to not eating well or something else that I might have done, but in a way, that's part of a control thing for me. I am hoping to find a reason, so that I can do something to prevent the same awful stuff from happening again.I am relieved when I think I've been able to connect it to, say, eating too much bread, or something. If I can't find a possible cause, it leaves me feeling like I'm at the mercy of the withdrawal process and then I have to just make myself accept that. I don't like it when I feel like i have no control but I'm starting to see that acceptance is a part of being in control.I can fight it and be upset about it, or i can accept it and roll with it.

It's not nearly as easy as saying that was!! it is hard to accept going thru this, and not knowing when it will end nor what might happen next.

but I guess it's just the same with life overall, we never know what is going to come our way next.

 

It sucks to feel locked into the present bad stuff. it's so hard to see beyond it, no reason to believe that there is anything beyond it. I pray that you can hold steady and weather the storm and not give up, just hold on and ride it out. I pray most of all that it ends soon and you get a nice giant window with the warmth of the sun on you and the scent of flowers and all the colors real and not off disconnected from you, or you from it.

I have wandered around like that for almost all of the time that I was ON lexapro, about 13-14 yrs? and I know it's bleak and discouraging. I have wanted to give up many times. I can not even tell you how I kept going.

 

 

((((Petunia))))

I hope that today is a much better day for you!!!

 

thank you for being the kind and generous person that you are. you have made my life so much better in the short time that I've known you (in that way that we "know" our cyber peeps LOL which is a unique thing in itself)


1974-2002 many psych meds, all types; longest used drugs include lithium, seroquel, SSRI's zoloft & celexa; many CT's off drugs

2002-2015 on varying doses of lexapro, as  high as 40 mgs, but usually 20mgs

June 2015: tapered too fast to 2.5mgs, then to 2.5mgs every other day Dec 2015:  found SA forum; holding at 2.5mgs 

Early May 2016: jumped off at 2.5mgs, not smart- crashed in late Sept.

Oct 26 2016  reinstated liquid lexapro 0.05ml/day at night, dose +/- til settling on 0.15BID (0.3/day)= windows and waves

Jan 8, 2017 too quick switch to single dose in the morning, 0.3mgs (bad mistake, led to a crash)

Jan 12 added low dose zyprexa for SI, took infrequently as rescue med, last dose Feb.15

Jan 26 lexapro 0.27mg Feb 25 lexapro updose back to 0.3mg due to unrelenting severe insomnia

March 1 insomnia got worse, back down to 0.29 for one day, then 0.27, then 0.25- improving!! March 17 0.24

March 7 added low dose lamictal, titrated up to 25mgs March 25

Supplements: vit D-3, Magnesium taurate 250mg, chromium, pro-biotic, biotin, valerian root, L-theanine


#1222 Dan998

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Posted 04 February 2016 - 04:33 AM

Petunia, I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm in the middle of a nasty wave at the moment too . I don't get many windows either, just a baseline that improves so slowly that it's hardly noticeable. but, it will continue to improve and we'll be sailing on calmer seas before too long.


2001: 20mg paroxetine for anxiety and depression
2003-2014: Switched between 20mg citalopram and 10mg escitalopram with several failed CT's
2015: Jan/ Feb-very fast taper off citalopram; Mar/ Apr-crashed; 23 Apr-reinstated 5mg; 05 May-updosed to 10mg; 15 Jul-started taper; Aug-9.0mg; Sep-8.1mg; Oct-7.6mg; Nov-6.8mg; Dec-6.2mg
2016: Jan-5.7mg; Feb-5.2mg; Mar-5.0mg;  Apr-4.5mg; May-4.05mg; Jun-3.65mg; Jul-3.3mg; Aug-2.95mg; 04Sep-2.65mg; 25Sep-2.4mg; 23Oct-2.15mg; 13Nov-1.95mg; 04Dec-1.75mg; 25Dec-1.55mg.
2017: 08Jan-1.4mg; 22Jan-1.25mg; 12Feb-1.1mg; 26Feb-1.0mg


#1223 Muddles

Muddles

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Posted 04 February 2016 - 05:40 AM

The a anhendonia state is torture, plus everything on top you write about. I relate to it all. I have just been trying to describe it to my mother - she recommended a trip to the beach, watch some tv or listen to the radio. There is no point even trying to explain this because there are just no words for it. I give up!

I don't know what to say or what advice to give but know you are not alone and there are a lot of people here who care a lot for you.
2008 - Doctors appointment with stress induced anxiety led to Citalopram prescription.
Severe adverse reaction
Mirtazapine prescribed - adverse reaction but told to stay on.
Poop out - December 2013
15mg
Currently on 13.5mg,
April 12mg
May 10th - 11mg
June 10th - 10mg
July 8th - 9mg
September - 0mg

#1224 divalee

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Posted 04 February 2016 - 06:30 AM

Dear Petunia -  I am so sorry for your struggles and for so so long too.......

 

I am 32 months off Zoloft  and I am in a deep wave for months and months.  My symptoms are so many....I have put myself in your shoes and I know your suffer....They talk about 18 mos - and then should start feeling better.....not true for me..

 

Funny when I was tapering which took a year and a half, not long enough.....I was doing very well....and even when I stopped taking Zoloft May 17, 2013 - There were few symptoms.   Around the 6th 7th month all hell broke lose and I have been going down hill ever since....I have distorted vision, head pressure, lightheadedness, ear pressure, pins and needles in my entire face, pressure bridge of my nose...depression, night sweats and on and on.....I don't mean to use your page for me dear Petunia.....

 

I read your stuff and just wanted to get closer to you ....to let you know how much I know your suffering xxxx

 

Much love

Lee (f)


Zoloft started for 8 years - 150 mg capsules

Started tapering December 3, 2011,

Off Zoloft May 17, 2013

While tapering WDS were tolerable

Off Zoloft debilitating WDS the worst starting around 6 months off

even worse after 18 months off

Now 35 months off - still in a terrible wave for months now.