Warning: very miserable, depressing post so don't read it if you're looking for hope and encouragement.
thanks catnapt for the distraction, and Djones, brass.....
Wanting to document what's going on. Yesterday afternoon I thought I was coming out of it. But this morning has been brutal, symptoms like I was getting over a year ago. Intense physical fear, like I'm being electrocuted at low power and I woke up to strangers talking in my head again. A woman with a strong accent was trying to tell me that her husband beat her badly, maybe to death, I'm not sure... there were others too, all clamoring for my attention. They weren't voices, but loud thoughts if that makes any sense. Usually, my thoughts are my own, but these were not my thoughts, its scary to suddenly have your mind taken over by strangers. Eventually I got them all out of there, but I'm still left with this zappy, shaky nauseated body.
I didn't do anything different. There's this thumping noise going on outside. Its been doing it for days. I went to my parents house a few days ago, the same noise was there, I thought it must be in my head, but my sister said she was hearing it too. Normally it wouldn't bother me, but now I'm super sensitized again and its driving me crazy. Closing the windows doesn't help at all, its such a low frequency noise its like its coming up through the ground, through the walls, I wish it would stop.
I'm trying to think, did I do something different, did I eat something different..... I'm going hot and cold again, all that had stopped. But its a wave and in a wave the bad stuff comes back... that's what a wave is. I forget because I don't have regular windows, just a miserable baseline which creeps up very slowly. But I can't even say I don't have windows, I've had a few over the last 3 years.
I don't know what's worse, having a window and going back to baseline or dropping from baseline into a wave. This is more frightening, how much worse is it going to get? Will I be able to endure it? What if it just keeps getting worse and worse and doesn't stop? I can't go back there, I already did my time in hell.
The problem is, I can't remember anything now, the fear has taken over and I'm just basically freaking out. I'm thinking that I've had a permanent set back, that this is the way its going to be now, my recovery has to start all over again from here. My brain is incapable of holding onto the possibility that I'll be feeling ok again in a few days??? I'm locked into this moment, there's no future, only this.
Catnapt, you asked me something.... over the last 6 months I've been able to get back into doing some gardening. Its a bitter sweet kind of hobby at the moment. I did most of the work during a few brief windows, I planted herbs and flowers, started cuttings and various other projects. Then when I've gone back to base line and especially in waves, its difficult to take care of what I've planted.
I'm also anhedonic, so I get no pleasure from any of it. Cognitively I know the flowers look beautiful, but I can't feel it. I was getting good feelings while in the windows, that's what motivated me to do things, but they went away and left me with a sense of responsibility for now taking care of what I created.
I bought some fig trees while in a window too. At the time I felt enthusiastic and was planning to turn part of my garden into a small orchard, but now its like, what was I thinking? I managed to transplant them into bigger pots, which was difficult while not in a window and now I water them every evening, along with the rest of my garden, but its a chore and when I'm in a wave its a frightening chore because I get agoraphobic and don't want to go outside.... this is so much not like me, I can't believe its come to this. I used to love nature and plants and animals. I felt deeply connected with things, like as if we shared the same life force and I could feel what they were feeling and almost instinctively know what they needed. But now all that's gone, there is only fear and separation and an empty feeling of being disconnected from everything good.
Its so hard to live this way, with no feelings of satisfaction, pleasure or accomplishment from anything I do. I remember what it was like to feel good, to have positive emotions arise naturally in response to pleasant life experiences. But now there is only deadness and a sinking, sick sense of loss at how meaningless everything now feels. I don't know how I will keep going if good feelings don't come back and stay back. I don't know how stopping lexapro too fast killed all my good feelings, they were somewhat muted while I was on the drugs, but I still had access to good feelings. Before drugs I had huge emotions, both the good ones and the bad ones. Now I only have the bad ones, it doesn't make sense.
This has turned into a very miserable post, I'm sorry, I guess I'll feel better in a while, but this is how it is right now and I'm not going to... um... what's that phrase? Sugar coat it? Right now I just want to curl up in a hole and die.
.... and I'm getting the urge to delete this and not post anything at all because for me, feeling bad equals being bad. Being bad makes me feel ashamed. Feeling ashamed makes me want to disappear and not exist. Making this post disappear is like making me disappear.
Writing this seems to have helped a bit, well it did for a few seconds, now I'm feeling awful again ... then I wrote a few more paragraphs and deleted them, started writing them again and deleted them again at least the thumping noise has stopped now.
I'm not a doctor. My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal.
My Introduction Thread
Full Drug and Withdrawal History
Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety)
Various other drugs over the years for side effects
2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010
Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal
DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms
Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)
May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.
Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes
Supplements which seem to help: High doses of Vitamin C, Magnesium, Garlic and Ginger. Taurine,
Vit D3, L-Theanine and Inositol. I'm one of the rare people who react badly to fish oil.
June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.
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