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☼ Petunia: recovering from 13 years of antidepressant use


Petunia

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I feel for you petunia, I am sorry your in such a bad wave so am I and it's funny because I was just laying here thinking about curling up in a ball and dieing.

 

I guess we just got to take it minute by minute sometimes and make it through till we get better. Hope you feel better!

April 2013 Doc put me back on 40mg of celexa for 2.5 weeks than switched to Paxil 3 weeks adverse reaction and kindling reaction
July 2013 5mg celexa and .5mg klonopin daily

5/15/16 started lamictal and currently at 25mg daily once a day.

1/1/17 crossed over from .5mg klonopin to 10mg Valium.

3/1/17 off celexa from getting down to around .25mg.

5/25/17 started tapering the Valium from 10mg to 9mg

6/25/17 dropped down to 8mg Valium 

currently on 8mg of Valium and 25mg of lamictal once a day in the morning never could handle more than 25mg of lamictal and never really felt anything from it.

7/2/17 updosed to 10mg Valium and holding split twice a day and holding.

3/1/18 dropped Valium from 10mg to 9.5mg

4/1/18 dropped Valium from 9.5 to 9mg still on 25mg lamictal.

Updosed 6/20/18 Valium 10mg and 25mg lamictal and holding.

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  • Moderator

Hi Petu-- such a horrible wave, but it's only a wave.  Many of the things you were saying in  your last post are exactly what others say when they get hit by a bad one.  Just remember that a bad wave is followed by a raise in the baseline.  Those fig trees are a wonderful thing so keep good are of them even if you can't feel it.  Best thing you can do is to keep tending them and the garden, go out and play in the dirt.

 

Would it be possible to go and stay with your parents or sister for a week or so?  It might be comforting to be around someone else, even if you don't interact. just to know that thee is someone there with you if needed.

 

Take care and don't worry about "downer posts" we want you to keep in touch as much as you can what ever you have to say.

 

(((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Final Dose 0.016mg.     Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking

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Hang in there Petunia, we all admire you and need you. If all our good wishes come true, you will turn a corner soon.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for 32 years, given AD for this condition alone in 2000

Zoloft 100mg for 15 years, last five of these complained about adverse effects,

unable to tolerate other meds even supplements

Slowly felt sicker, advised by different Dr maybe on ads for too long

Cut back 100 - 50 over 6 months, still getting worse, so stopped over about 6 weeks starting Dec 2014

First month, slow, emotional, useless then POW! Horrendous withdrawal symptoms, completely non-functional

for about five months, slowly started to come back to life and continue with waves and windows, still more bad than good, but bads are less bad, and goods slightly better each time

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Hi Petunia: you are strong! I am suffering now, too. After I saw your thread, I found I should keep going, too, although I dropped my Lexapro too fast.  Pray for all of us! 

2006 October Zoloft 50mg for anxiety.

2013 March Lexapro 10mg for 18 months to 2015 September.

2015 September increased to 20mg for 7 weeks but getting worse. 3rd November dropped back to 10mg

2016 11th November taper to 9mg

2017 3rd March Taper to 8.8mg, then Fast taper start: 10th-8.6mg, 12th-8.2mg, 17th-8.0mg, 22rd-7.7mg, 27th-7.4mg.

April 2nd- 6.9mg (WD start), 19th-6.5mg. Failed one day Cymbalta trial, took back Lexapro, much worse Akathisia torture. Keep holding. 

May 22nd- 6.3mg, June 10th- 5.7mg, Nov- 4.4mg, Dec- 4.3mg,

2018 Jan- 4.1mg 

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I wrote a long post and my computer shut off so taking that as an omen it was not meant to be... I will say there is nothing in your post that is uncommon to me so please know that others have had the same issues all of them.  Not sure how comforting that is but I am still here that is something.  Part of being part of this site is to allow others to see us at our worst so when they are at their worst they are not alone you have done that Petu a great service to all who come by here.  

 

One bit I do want to rewrite is can folks here imagine what med you would get if you show up at the shrinks office with this?  Just curious.  

 

I am glad your here and glad your staying. 

 

THIS TOO SHALL PASS!

 

peace to you

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

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  • Moderator

Just checking up on you Petu.

 

((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Final Dose 0.016mg.     Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking

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Thanks everyone for your words of support, I'm still here, and will hang on as long as it takes, I've been going through this too long to give up now. I've read all your comments and feel comforted to know I'm not alone going through this, its the most isolating thing, even when we are surrounded by people who care about us....

 

The wave continues with symptoms lasting late into the afternoon and evening, which is normally what happens for me in a wave... so I'm not posting at the moment. I want to reply individually to comments, but I'm not up to it today. I'm hanging onto the hope that this wave is ushering in a nice rise in my baseline, but for now its back to just breathing and trying to distract.

 

Hoping all of us who are suffering at the moment get some relief soon

 

((hugs))

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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You are always an inspiration! I hope you feel better soon!

1st round Prozac 1989/90, clear depression symptoms. 2nd round Prozac started 1999 when admitted to dr. I was tired. Prozac pooped out, switch to Cymbalta 3/2006. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder due to mania 6/2006--then I was taken abruptly off Cymbalta and didn't know I had SSRI withdrawal. Lots of meds for my intractable "bipolar" symptoms.

Zyprexa started about 9/06, mostly 5mg. Tapered 4/12 through12/29/12

Wellbutrin. XL 300 mg started 1/07, tapered 1/18/13 through 7/8/13

Oxazepam mostly continuously since 6/06, 30mg since 12/12, tapered 1.17.14 through 8.26.15

11/06 Lithium 600mg twice daily, 2.2.14 400mg TID DIY liquid, 2.12.14 1150mg, 3.2.14 1100mg, 3.18.14 1075mg, 4/14 updose to 1100mg, 6.1.14 900 mg capsules 7.8.14 810mg, 8.17.14 725mg, 8.24.24 700mg...10.22.14 487.5mg, 3.9.15 475mg, 4.1.15 462.5mg 4.21.15 450mg 8.11.15 375mg, 11.28.15 362.5mg, back to 375mg four days later, 3.4.16 updose to 475 (too much going on to risk trouble)

9/4/13 Toprol-XL 25mg daily for sudden hypertension, tapered 11.12.13 through 5.3.14, last 10 days or so switched to atenolol

7.4.14 Started Walsh Protocol

56 years old

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  • Mentor

taking care of yourself is the most important thing. ;-) sending more good wishes your way

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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  • Moderator Emeritus

Thanks cat and meimei :)

 

Today has been another rough day, its just gone 8:30 pm and I'm feeling a little better now.

 

I've been struggling to get though the minutes again, trying to distract myself by reading and watching videos, but everything was triggering waves of neuro-emotions. I tried sleeping through it, which had worked the two previous days, but today my body was unable to stay asleep through the adrenaline surges. I would drift into a delirious state and be flooded with disturbing images and thoughts then suddenly be awake with palpitations, feeling disoriented so I gave up.

 

These are the symptoms which have returned for this wave:

 

Temperature dysregulation

Sound sensitivity

DP/DR (back up to about 80%)

Strong adrenaline surges

Feelings of dread and fear lasting all day

Cognitive deficits

Hopelessness

Appetite loss

Increased tinnitus

Frequent waking through the night

Vivid, disturbing dreams

Traumatic memories from the past

Nausea

Head sounds

Muscle twitches

Increased fatigue

Bad brain fog

 

and two new ones paresthesia in my right leg and mild hip pain.

 

Its been a week so far, starting with the dizziness, and racing thoughts last Sunday. I don't think it will last much longer, its hard to remember but I think my waves last between 1 - 2 weeks now. Getting back to my miserable baseline will be a relief, especially if its a bit higher.

 

As bad as I was feeling, I went out to the grocery store this afternoon, to get a few things. I didn't have to go, but these days, even when its bad, going out doesn't make me worse like it used to and I like being able to compare my symptoms now to how they were 2 years ago when I would try and shop. It was pretty bad today, I was struggling trying to function, and the DP/DR was up, being in that grocery store environment, but it still wasn't as subjectively unpleasant as when I was at my worst, so its good to get that comparison, I can see I'm improving. I used to be scared that I wouldn't be able to go out and get food, and sometimes I couldn't, but now, even during my worst days, I can fairly easily drive around the corner to buy a few things. If it wasn't so hot now, I would probably be walking a bit more now. I'm looking forward to the return of winter. Winters in withdrawal have always been the most pleasant season for me.

 

I'm still fighting with the post button, I don't want to publish this, still wanting to just disappear, but tomorrow is a new day and one of these new days this wave will be over.

 

and on a positive note, one of my fig trees has a few ripe fruit and I ate the first one the other day. It seemed like a symbolic moment which I couldn't exactly feel, but I ate it anyway and it was ok, probably needed another week to be perfect, but there are a few more, its amazing how young fig trees make fruit.

 

I'm wondering if coriander/cilantro might have caused this wave. I had started putting it in my green smoothies, I've stopped for now in case it was that.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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  • Mentor

sorry to hear things are still so rough...

just wondering, does DP/DR mean depersonalization and de realization or something like that?

 

 

it's great that you are keeping yourself going in spite of feeling so awful. and good you can get out to get food, it's so much harder when you can't, and then you may be limited in what you have to eat, which can then cause more issues :(   (been there, done that, it sucks)

 

oh I wish I could trade seasons with you/for you, we're in the middle of winter here.

I find I can handle things a lot better in the winter too, I do not tolerate heat well.

it's gotta be murder with the temperature ups and downs if it's hot there, ugh

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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Hi petunia

Hope you are having a better day today. Sounded like you have a good diet right? You are

Drinking green smoothies which I have started and I think they help. Do you consume a lot of blueberries, nuts, okra? I found helps anxiety especially blueberries lately. Hope u feel better today.

Currently suffer extreme CFS, Lyme, adrenal fatigue, bad gut issues, reaction bad to mold basically etc home a lot. Can hardly walk all I get crash easily. 
I’m currently on mirtizapine 1.7mg and Reboxetine 0.4mg. I did a cut on reboxetine on the 19/4/20 around 11%. 
Also taking Ativan since January 2mg. 
 
 
 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Oh no , another cilantro victim.  That really sux.

 

I laughed and laughed at the pudding brain , thankyou for finding that.

Not sure if it's your thing or not , but I've started watching "I'm a Celebrity , Get Me Out Of Here" on channel 10.

Dr Chris Brown and a bunch of celebrities camping in the South African jungle having to do challenges to score

meals.  Nice distraction ;)

 

Here's to juicy figs ,  Fresh

1987-1997 pertofran , prothiaden , Prozac 1997-2002 Zoloft 2002-2004 effexor 2004-2010 Lexapro 40mg

2010-2012Cymbalta 120mg

Sept. 2012 -decreased 90mg in 6months. Care taken over by Dr Lucire in March 2013 , decreased last 30mg at 2mg per week over 3 months. July 21 , 2013- last dose of Cymbalta

Protracted withdrawal syndrome kicked in badly Jan.2014 Unrelenting akathisia until May 2014. Voluntary hosp. admission. Cocktail of Seroquel, Ativan and mirtazapine and I was well enough to go home after 14 days. Stopped all hosp. meds in next few months.

July 2014 felt v.depressed - couldn't stop crying. Started pristiq 50mg. Felt improvement within days and continued to improve, so stayed on 50mg for 8 months.

Began taper 28 Feb. 2015. Pristiq 50mg down to 45mg. Had one month of w/d symptoms. Started CES therapy in March. No w/d symptoms down to 30mg.

October 2015 , taking 25mg Pristiq. Capsules compounded with slow-release additive.

March 2016 , 21mg

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Petunia, do you think ot will ever end? Would you ever take meda again?

CD off meds in July 2015, not on any medication since. Went through WD nightmare, now dealing with normal anxiety, but decided not to leave this forum yet because I want to support and give hope to others. ♡

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Reading your post Petu I wonder how much wd is better and how much is we are handling it better cause we are getting use to it and are not afraid we are dying from some terrible disease which is what I thought in early wd... 

 

Six of one half dozen of the other... for me wd can come back as bad with different symptoms.. I am hoping that means progress.

peace

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

I should have been making a few notes here over the last 3 weeks, because I've been going through some changes in symptoms, but now I can't remember what's been going on  :unsure:

 

Thanks everyone who visited my thread, I'm feeling a bit better now, but I've had some ups and downs getting here. I still don't know if this last strange wave was caused by adding coriander/cilantro to my smoothies. I got in contact with someone on another forum who also had a wave caused by it, he took a lot more than me and for much longer, his wave/set-back lasted several months.

 

Along with an increase in the usual withdrawal symptoms, this last few weeks has brought some racing thoughts, dizziness, increased headaches, body aches, a return of head/jaw/shoulder pain on the right side and burning mouth with inflammation, on the right side too. None of it lasted longer than a few days at a time though. I also had moments of sudden, intense depression and sudden mood swings, alternating with irritability and frustration. Everything over the last few weeks has been changing quite fast, so I was basically hanging on for the ride, wondering where I would end up.

 

Anyway, whatever caused it, bringing a mix of familiar and unfamiliar symptoms, has now subsided. About 5 days ago, I started feeling much better and assumed that I'd come back to baseline and this was going to be my new normal. I was relatively symptom free, even in the mornings. Was waking at a normal time and and feeling pretty much ok. There were 2 - 3 days where I was actually happy, motivated and feeling some real feelings again. Of course I assumed I was now recovered and this was going to be it from now on, but I guess it was a window because a few symptoms came back and now I'm not feeling so great again, but still better than a few months ago.

 

Its been quite a roller coaster these last few months, but now, I think I'm back at baseline, its clear I'm getting better. Even this short 3 day window I just went through felt more balanced and functional than previous windows. Looking back, the previous ones have been a bit hyper-manic and I've done too much, causing myself increased stress, but this time I've had more control, I haven't felt that desperation to do everything now, trying to catch up with the last 5 years of my life.

 

I'm also really pleased with the way my sleep keeps improving. I still have the occasional bad night and disturbing dreams, but in general its so close to feeling like normal sleep now and even the weird time between 4am and 7am, which has always been the most problem time for me, whether I'm asleep, half asleep or awake, has become very tolerable now, even when I have a 'bad' night.

 

Today, I was certain I'm back at baseline and compared to how I was 2 years ago, this is very tolerable. The lovely little window had closed, but this is livable and even though its obvious I've still got a way to go, I know I'm going to get through this, I'm out of the dark part of the forest now and can see light up ahead.

 

Previously, when I've had windows, I've crashed out of them and the disappointment and contrast has been overwhelming. I decided I hated windows as much as I hated waves, but I'm actually looking forward to another one now, it was calm, pleasant and I experienced a new kind of hopeful, joyful appreciation of life exactly the way it was, from moment to moment.... it felt like something new and special, life was ok, not again, but in a new and improved kind of way.

 

Before I went into withdrawal, I used to play an online game and really enjoyed it. It would be relaxing and motivating at the same time, but withdrawal stole my ability to get anything positive from playing games. In early withdrawal I would often spend hours, mindlessly playing boring, matching games just for the distraction factor, but getting nothing positive from it. But now my ability to enjoy games is back and I can honestly say I've been having some 'fun' the last few days and I was sure I would never be able to say that again.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Petu,

 

Overall, while a few ups and downs, a VERY uplifting report!

 

So happy you are feeling better.  Remember to look at the longer term graph of improvement.  So hard to do but so important.

 

Best,

 

Andy

Sertraline 50mg and Clonazapam .375mg from 2000 -- symptoms of dizziness Spring 2012

increased to .5 Clonazapam and 100mg Sertraline -- no improvement

Benzo microtaper from November 2012 to November 2014 (followed benzo sites "taper benzo first")

Started Sertraline taper in December 2014 cut by 25mg to 75mg; 62.5mg 1/1/15 and 50mg on 2/1/15

Held at 50mg through April 5 to use liquid 
Reduced dosage in 10% or less drops from 50mg to 25mg -- at single tablet of 25mg on 10/5/15

Transitioned to all liquid for accuracy while tapering -- Horrible insomnia -- back to 25mg liquid and held until October 1, 2016

10/16 -- 11/18 tapered very slowly to 10.6mg.  No real improvement and never really stable so updosed to 12.5mg (1/2 a pill) for convenience and long hold.

After 8+ months of holding with no noticeable improvement decided to add .4ml of liquid Prozac (about 1.5mg) to see if that improves the situation

Supplements, Magnesium, D3, Omega 3, curcumin, Valerian, 81mg Aspirin, L-Theanine, Vit. C,

 

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  • Moderator

Hi Petu-- such a good update, I'm so glad you're feeling better.

 

(((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Final Dose 0.016mg.     Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking

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Petu - your posts (journal) have me gripped.  I only started reading them yesterday and continued today and will continue until I have read them all.

 

WOW is all I can say.

 

I only seem to post the symptoms I have been experiencing on my Introduction thread.

 

As others have already said, the fact that you can put into words so well the magnitude of what we are all going through is a huge relief.  I pray every day for a glimmer of hope and joy.

Dose History: 19 Feb 2014 - Escitalopram 10mg daily June 2015 - Started taper, 5mg every other day July 2015 - 5mg every 2 days August 2015 - 5mg every 3 days September 2015 - 5mg every 4 days Sept 14th - Completed tapering, but at 7 weeks "drug free" I suffered serious WD symptoms as a consequence of "incorrect" tapering. Nov 25 2015 - Re-instated Cipralex @ 2.5mg daily. WD symptoms faded. Held at this dose and experienced "windows and waves". 12 Oct 2017 Reduced dose to 1.25mg. 13 Mar 2018 Reduced dose to 0.625mg (approx.). 16 April 2018 0mg. Windows and waves triggered by stress (IBS/reflux, headaches, sinus issues) Aug 2019 Mirena coil fitted 6 Jan 2020 MAJOR Wave hit 19 months following last dose (protracted WD).  Symptoms listed below Mar 2020 Mirena coil removal.

Therapy: Nov 15th 2016 Re-started therapy Jan 19th 2017 Started CBT Dec 2017 Started listening to Hypnotherapy CD (self-esteem). Nov 2019 Started couples therapy.

Supplements: "Bioglan" Biotic Balance Ultimate Flora 10 billion CFU, live Bacteria, Probiotic, suitable for Vegetarians, with Lactobacillus Acidophilus, Lactobacillus Rhamnosus, Bifidobacterium Longum"Pukka" Vitalise a unique blend of 30 energising botanicals.

Diet: 16 April 2018 Detox cleanse / anti-candida for 90 days. Jan 2020 Started "small plate" diet (i.e child size portions).

Exercise: Stretching, Yoga, Pilates, Spinning, Elliptical/upper body workout, walking.

Medical Test Results: 4 Jan 2017 Homeopathic Treatment starts 24 Feb 2017 Started weight loss program 24 Mar 2017 Naturopathic Treatment + anti-Candida diet started due to suspected Candida Related Complex (CRC). DETOXED for 7 weeks to "re-set" gut. April 2017 "Genova Diagnostics" Comprehensive Stool Analysis NEGATIVE; Full Blood Count (Normal) / Blood Cholesterol: 5.6 (Borderline) / Blood Sugar (Normal) / 28 Jun 2017 FSH 8.2 / 14 Nov 2017 FSH 17.7 Dec 2017 Blood Cholesterol: 3.9 (Normal) / Kidney Function (Normal) / Blood Sugar (Normal). December 2017 "Genova Diagnostics" Food panel allergy (bloodwork) analysis - a few "VERY LOW/VL" allergens; Mar 2018 "Genova Diagnostics" SIBO urine analysis: High Level of Yeast/fungal markers found in small intestine but NO SIBO.  April 2018 Thyroid (Normal) / Full Blood Count (Normal) / FSH (Normal). 16 April 2018 Started anti-Candida diet - 3 month protocol.   25 March 2020 All test results "Normal". CRP" 5 mg/L (normal range to 0-5 mg/L).

Symptoms:  Flu-like symptoms, anxiety, anhedonia, sinus headaches right-side (severe), IBS issues/reflux (severe)**, tinnitus, fatigue, inner tremor, nausea, chills/hot flushes, pounding heart, muscular issues including stiff left hip flexor, intense anger, PSSD (ongoing).  **Histhamine intolerance (suspected).

Major Life Events: 

Re-located to UK from Canada: Jan 2016

My father died: 5:05pm, Monday 5 Feb 2018 Last Lexapro dose: 16 April 2018 (its now been over a year since I quit ADs)  Moved house: Friday 23rd February 2018  "Divorced" toxic Mother: Monday 26 March 2018 Starting working again: 19 November 2018  Diagnosed with: 5th August 2021 PTSD/C-PTSD Diagnosed with: March 2022 Interstitial Cystitis (IC)/Painful bladder syndrome

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I am so very glad you are feeling better!

April 2013 Doc put me back on 40mg of celexa for 2.5 weeks than switched to Paxil 3 weeks adverse reaction and kindling reaction
July 2013 5mg celexa and .5mg klonopin daily

5/15/16 started lamictal and currently at 25mg daily once a day.

1/1/17 crossed over from .5mg klonopin to 10mg Valium.

3/1/17 off celexa from getting down to around .25mg.

5/25/17 started tapering the Valium from 10mg to 9mg

6/25/17 dropped down to 8mg Valium 

currently on 8mg of Valium and 25mg of lamictal once a day in the morning never could handle more than 25mg of lamictal and never really felt anything from it.

7/2/17 updosed to 10mg Valium and holding split twice a day and holding.

3/1/18 dropped Valium from 10mg to 9.5mg

4/1/18 dropped Valium from 9.5 to 9mg still on 25mg lamictal.

Updosed 6/20/18 Valium 10mg and 25mg lamictal and holding.

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Hi Petunia, I am so happy to hear you are better now! I am having a window period at the moment, too.  :)

2006 October Zoloft 50mg for anxiety.

2013 March Lexapro 10mg for 18 months to 2015 September.

2015 September increased to 20mg for 7 weeks but getting worse. 3rd November dropped back to 10mg

2016 11th November taper to 9mg

2017 3rd March Taper to 8.8mg, then Fast taper start: 10th-8.6mg, 12th-8.2mg, 17th-8.0mg, 22rd-7.7mg, 27th-7.4mg.

April 2nd- 6.9mg (WD start), 19th-6.5mg. Failed one day Cymbalta trial, took back Lexapro, much worse Akathisia torture. Keep holding. 

May 22nd- 6.3mg, June 10th- 5.7mg, Nov- 4.4mg, Dec- 4.3mg,

2018 Jan- 4.1mg 

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Hi Petunia,  I finally got around to having a peek at your journal - your story very similar to mine.  I am sorry you have to go through all this and that is not good at present and just to say I am with you and send you a hug.

1995-2007      20mg Aropax/Paxil for pain.  Years of up and down doses

2008                Endep, Lexapro and then Esipram (hell!) CT (oh dear!)

2009                20mg Aropax.  Tried skipping doses for a year (more hell!)

                        2010                10mg.  10% taper.  Lasted 4 months. Crashed again

2011                5% taper. 9mg-7mg (hell got even worse!)

2012                2.5% taper.  6.6mg – 5.6mg (worser still & unbearable)

2013                5% taper.  Big mistake.  5.5mg – 4.6mg  (even worserer)

2014                2.5% taper.  4.9mg – 4.5mg;    2015 2.5% taper 4.4 - 4.0mg

2016                2.5% taper.  3.9mg  Feb 3.8   Mar 3.7  May 3.6   Jul 3.5

2017                2.5% taper.  Jan 3.4;   Mar 3.35;  Apr 3.3; Oct 3; Dec 2.9;

2018                2.5% taper. Jan 2.8; Mar 2.7; Mar: 2.75; Jun 2.7; Aug 2.6; Oct 2.5; Nov 2.4; Dec 2.3

2019                Jan 2.2; Feb 2.1;

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  • Moderator Emeritus

As usual, thanks everyone for your comments and warm support, it helps so much to have others understand.

 

I had a couple of pretty good weeks, not exactly a window, although there were two very windowish days in the middle. But its wave time again, I started to feel it approaching yesterday, but of course refused to accept it. I'd had two nights of disturbed sleep, Monday night I felt like I was awake all night, that kind of half awake, half asleep feeling. Tuesday night I was waking up every 2 hours. But last night I slept very well and woke up in an undeniable wave. The shaking, fear, dread, nausea is back along with headache, and general flu-like feelings.

 

I'm asking myself the same questions I usually do... is it something I did to cause this? There's always something I can pin it on if I look and this time is no different. I had started exercising (again). Not heavily by any means, but instead of doing short 10 minute walks I did the long lap of the lake and did a half hour bush trail walk. I also picked up my hand weights again, just a few 10 rep sets with very light weights, never more than 5 minutes at a time, followed by a few minutes of stretching.

 

You would think that after 3 years of recovery time, I should be able to manage this little bit of exercise without setting off a wave? I used to do back to back, high impact gym classes...while stable on 5mg of lexapro.

 

But I thought the last wave was triggered by coriander, so maybe these temporary set-backs are not always caused by something and were going to happen anyway. I can't keep avoiding everything which is supposed to be good for me out of fear of setting off waves... but how do I know for certain?

 

As waves go, its not terrible, I'm still able to do more at this time of the morning than I was at baseline 2 years ago. But its always difficult to lose those positive changes again, even if I know its just a temporary loss. I like being able to feel good.  Life had started to feel precious again, I'd re tasted joy and pleasure from simple things and was starting to relax into hopeful thoughts about the future again. Tiny plans were beginning to form and my confidence was re-growing (again).

 

Some things, I had started to take for granted, like going to the store for groceries, jumping in the shower, waking up and actually being able to function. Now I'm looking at the almost empty milk, wondering what time of the day I'm going to feel well enough to tackle a grocery store, wishing I had done some shopping yesterday when I thought about it, when it was easy, because now, its back to being difficult.

 

I missed my daughter's graduation ceremony last night. It was difficult, deciding to not push myself to do something stressful, even though it was one of those big expectations and something the pre-withdrawal me would not have missed. But I just wasn't up to it, even if I wasn't just sliding into another wave. My baseline isn't good enough yet for things like that.. high stress, formal, social, high-functioning required, not to mention the requirement to put together a suitable outfit, do hair, make-up etc. Those things are just not happening yet. If I brush my teeth, put on day clothes and re-do my pony tail, that's a good day.

 

It wouldn't have only been the stress of the occasion, but having to encounter my ex-husband, bringing back all the trauma from the past, I'm not strong enough again yet.... will I ever be? This is really one of those bitter pills I have to swallow, now that I've stopped the other pills. It was me who did all the hands on care of raising our daughter. I have provided her with a home, security, stability, emotional support and all the practical things which have enabled her to achieve what she has, and yet it was her mostly absent father who got to go to her ceremony, while I stayed home, too sick to go.

 

There has to be a silver lining here somewhere... but I can't seem to find it today. Life isn't fair, I used to think it was, that we all got what we deserved based on things we had complete control over. I was brought up on fairy tales, programmed to believe that being good and doing the 'right' thing meant you got to live happily ever after.

 

Perhaps my silver lining is that I finally woke up and realized that we have very little control over most of what happens to us, we are born into a set of circumstances, which to a large degree, determine the outcome of our life and that equality doesn't exist, no matter how much contemporary western society pretends it does.

 

Knowing the truth is supposed to set you free, and in a way I do feel more free now, but being asleep and dreaming is easier than actually being awake, trying to figure out how to live in the real world in a conscious manner.

 

Along with this wave came the return of sound sensitivity, my blinds are clicking against each other in the breeze, its driving me crazy, so distracting...I hate this pattern of being given a few crumbs of hope, some tiny measure of control back over my life and then have it snatched away and sent back into this miserable, unpredictable existence which is exactly that, just existing, at the whim of life in all its cruel randomness.

 

So, here I am, back at this place with the same choice. Do I struggle and fight reality, causing myself more suffering, or do I accept that I'm back in a wave and there's nothing I can do but float through it, using it to strengthen my acceptance skills.

 

...maybe it was the grass trimming, I did some of that yesterday right before I started to feel bad again :unsure:

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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 But its wave time again, I started to feel it approaching yesterday, but of course refused to accept it. I'd had two nights of disturbed sleep, Monday night I felt like I was awake all night, that kind of half awake, half asleep feeling. Tuesday night I was waking up every 2 hours. But last night I slept very well and woke up in an undeniable wave. The shaking, fear, dread, nausea is back along with headache, and general flu-like feelings.


I can relate to the waking up every 2 hours, it isn't a good start for the following day.  It seems that is how it goes and been that way for the last few years.  I have started to be glad for ANY sleep I get because I have just started sleeping for only 1 hour the first hour and then 2rs.  I used to think it can't get any worse - but discovered it can, so I think we have to just be glad for the little bit we get and hope the next night is better...  I sure hope for you it is better.

I'm asking myself the same questions I usually do... is it something I did to cause this? There's always something I can pin it on if I look and this time is no different. I had started exercising (again). Not heavily by any means, but instead of doing short 10 minute walks I did the long lap of the lake and did a half hour bush trail walk. I also picked up my hand weights again, just a few 10 rep sets with very light weights, never more than 5 minutes at a time, followed by a few minutes of stretching.

I go through this EVERY time, ALL the time!  I keep a food diary but in the end it doesn't prove anything much!  I think we just give ourselves more worry sometimes!  As for the exercise, I think it might help if you go back to square 1 and start small.  I had to start with a set of exercises that I did 1 of each one and over time, I can now do 10 repeats.  Same with walking.  I would get up to 20mins and then go backwards and have to start again at 5 mins and build it up again.  There were times I couldn't walk at all and then you have to face the mental issues of feeling like an invalid, etc...!  Seems to never end does it?

You would think that after 3 years of recovery time, I should be able to manage this little bit of exercise without setting off a wave? I used to do back to back, high impact gym classes...while stable on 5mg of lexapro.

You probably can't compare where you are at now to when you were actually ON the a/d and stable.  It looks like you pretty much CT, is that right?  What is your story there?  Were you not able to re-instate and come down slowly?

But I thought the last wave was triggered by coriander, so maybe these temporary set-backs are not always caused by something and were going to happen anyway. I can't keep avoiding everything which is supposed to be good for me out of fear of setting off waves... but how do I know for certain?

Exactly feel the same way and think the same things!  At present, I am thinking I need to take vit. B which is good for nerves, but wonder if it causes anxiety!

As waves go, its not terrible, I'm still able to do more at this time of the morning than I was at baseline 2 years ago. But its always difficult to lose those positive changes again, even if I know its just a temporary loss. I like being able to feel good.  Life had started to feel precious again, I'd re tasted joy and pleasure from simple things and was starting to relax into hopeful thoughts about the future again. Tiny plans were beginning to form and my confidence was re-growing (again).

You have a great attitude here about things and things did get better for a while, so hang onto that for that gives you HOPE it can happen again!  This is a rough patch, you will get through it and we are all here with you alongside you, cheering for you!  This is a great sign you are experiencing these things after only 3 years, even if only now and then.

Some things, I had started to take for granted, like going to the store for groceries, jumping in the shower, waking up and actually being able to function. Now I'm looking at the almost empty milk, wondering what time of the day I'm going to feel well enough to tackle a grocery store, wishing I had done some shopping yesterday when I thought about it, when it was easy, because now, its back to being difficult.

I hope your daughter can help out for you at these times.

I missed my daughter's graduation ceremony last night. It was difficult, deciding to not push myself to do something stressful, even though it was one of those big expectations and something the pre-withdrawal me would not have missed. But I just wasn't up to it, even if I wasn't just sliding into another wave. My baseline isn't good enough yet for things like that.. high stress, formal, social, high-functioning required, not to mention the requirement to put together a suitable outfit, do hair, make-up etc. Those things are just not happening yet. If I brush my teeth, put on day clothes and re-do my pony tail, that's a good day.

It is sad and disappointing that we miss so many things during these years, but you are very wise and know your limits, so take good care of yourself and you might make it to the next important event.  I hope she understands, as it is difficult for others to know what we are going through.  I had to chuckle, because I STILL pat myself on the back every day if I make the bed, wash my face and get dressed!  It gets pretty basic, I know.

It wouldn't have only been the stress of the occasion, but having to encounter my ex-husband, bringing back all the trauma from the past, I'm not strong enough again yet.... will I ever be? This is really one of those bitter pills I have to swallow, now that I've stopped the other pills. It was me who did all the hands on care of raising our daughter. I have provided her with a home, security, stability, emotional support and all the practical things which have enabled her to achieve what she has, and yet it was her mostly absent father who got to go to her ceremony, while I stayed home, too sick to go.

ex-husband!  AAGGGGHHH.  A VERY good reason not to go!  You don't need any other outward stressors.

 

There has to be a silver lining here somewhere... but I can't seem to find it today. Life isn't fair, I used to think it was, that we all got what we deserved based on things we had complete control over. I was brought up on fairy tales, programmed to believe that being good and doing the 'right' thing meant you got to live happily ever after.

Join the club of all those girls who thought it alll ended up "happily ever after."!  I heard that if you are disillusioned then you are believing an illusion.  The hard reality is that life isn't fair and I wish I had an answer to that one.  All we can do is respond in the right way and make choices to our bad situation.

Knowing the truth is supposed to set you free, and in a way I do feel more free now, but being asleep and dreaming is easier than actually being awake, trying to figure out how to live in the real world in a conscious manner.

You are a very intelligent and eloquent person I see from your writings, and you express yourself very well and there is healing in that, in letting it out and sharing it with others and then letting it GO.

Along with this wave came the return of sound sensitivity, my blinds are clicking against each other in the breeze, its driving me crazy, so distracting...I hate this pattern of being given a few crumbs of hope, some tiny measure of control back over my life and then have it snatched away and sent back into this miserable, unpredictable existence which is exactly that, just existing, at the whim of life in all its cruel randomness.

I can't really recall having good days as you have described (not until this year) and so i was probably mostly in that dream world of illusion - along with miserable head issues and being brain dead, so I didn't think or feel.  At times I think I was better off back there, but THIS IS NOT GOOD THINKING I tell myself!  Instead of depression, I now have anxiety and feel stressed out, my mind races and I am alert for danger and worn out from that!   AAAGGHH  Anyway, what I wanted to say was I wonder if having experienced those "good days" it makes what you are going through now, even worse???

So, here I am, back at this place with the same choice. Do I struggle and fight reality, causing myself more suffering, or do I accept that I'm back in a wave and there's nothing I can do but float through it, using it to strengthen my acceptance skills.

Sounds like you have some skills you know you can employ, so that's good.  I have no answers, at times I felt like I was drowning, and it took all my might to keep my head above water.  Other times I was swimming and swimming, but no land in sight so I had to just float and hope a boat might come by ...  other times I felt like I was in the boat, flat on my back, full of water, heavy and could just lie there...  maybe others can answer this one, whether to fight or float it out!

...maybe it was the grass trimming, I did some of that yesterday right before I started to feel bad again :unsure:

Yea, perhaps it was the grass - or perhaps the fly on the wall!  Perhaps it's just a wave - do you have anything to hold onto?

1995-2007      20mg Aropax/Paxil for pain.  Years of up and down doses

2008                Endep, Lexapro and then Esipram (hell!) CT (oh dear!)

2009                20mg Aropax.  Tried skipping doses for a year (more hell!)

                        2010                10mg.  10% taper.  Lasted 4 months. Crashed again

2011                5% taper. 9mg-7mg (hell got even worse!)

2012                2.5% taper.  6.6mg – 5.6mg (worser still & unbearable)

2013                5% taper.  Big mistake.  5.5mg – 4.6mg  (even worserer)

2014                2.5% taper.  4.9mg – 4.5mg;    2015 2.5% taper 4.4 - 4.0mg

2016                2.5% taper.  3.9mg  Feb 3.8   Mar 3.7  May 3.6   Jul 3.5

2017                2.5% taper.  Jan 3.4;   Mar 3.35;  Apr 3.3; Oct 3; Dec 2.9;

2018                2.5% taper. Jan 2.8; Mar 2.7; Mar: 2.75; Jun 2.7; Aug 2.6; Oct 2.5; Nov 2.4; Dec 2.3

2019                Jan 2.2; Feb 2.1;

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Hi Petu I came by to see how you are.  As usual you voice so much I have never been able to say and while I hate where you are cause I know exactly where you are I am in wonder at your ability to express it so well.  In the struggle for "sense"  as it makes no sense it all rings true for me as being my reality too... I come and go from there and I try to keep hope for something more but it does not stay just visits. 

 

"So, here I am, back at this place with the same choice. Do I struggle and fight reality, causing myself more suffering, or do I accept that I'm back in a wave and there's nothing I can do but float through it, using it to strengthen my acceptance skills."

 

I have done both the fighting and the accepting both to the extreme.  I find I both bring on different states of being from obsession with battle till I am depleted and have to accept and give in ... to a less broken giving in where I chose it on purpose the latter I was better able to nurture myself thru it... BUT I did not feel right about it for some reason I wanted to fight to depletion before giving in.  It could be that I am stupid and never learn anything... 

 

it seems eventually I ended up in the same place 

 

I posted something today called flow... it sounds a bit like this process... maybe it will interest you. It makes me think of exactly this question to fight or accept...

 

I obviously do not have the answers just came by to keep you company and wish you peace... B

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/11499-flow-healing/

 

I have a problem with the word reality in your post cause to me the drug or wd induced states are never true reality but a distortion I wanted the real reality if you know what I mean... it did not matter if I could have it or not how would I know if I did not try... 

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Thanks GrandmaD for your comprehensive response to my previous post, I appreciate the time and effort you took. I actually logged on a couple of days ago and was about to reply when I got a phone call giving me some bad news, there's another family health crisis,  my mum is back in hospital after having a bad reaction to having her blood pressure medication doubled. So the combination of this current wave and the added stress is really testing my limits at the moment.

 

My loss of faith in doctors and medicine makes this so much worse. I'm full of doubts about the decisions being made for my mother's care, even with heart issues, it seems to be the same story as with psychiatry, once interventions begin, new symptoms which weren't originally there arise, which then need more interventions. In about a month my mum who was relatively healthy, going to the gym 4 times a week, on nothing but supplements and vitamins is now on 4 different drugs, has had one surgical procedure, is now scheduled for another and since starting the drugs is having symptoms she didn't have previously.

 

But I'm still too sick to take any responsibility, I'm more capable when at baseline, but when a wave hits, like now, I'm a mess again and can't function. I feel frustrated, helpless and so terribly guilty, especially because there's no one else in my family able to take full responsibility either. Dad has been in control of the medication schedule and he completely trusts doctors, believing that they know what they are doing.... this is really hard, I want to go visit, but the wave and added stress has pushed my anxiety up, I'm dizzy, nauseous and not thinking properly, my daughter is up in the city for the week, so I'm basically alone, back in survival mode, trying to take care of myself so that I can calm down again so that I can get back up to baseline so I can function a bit better.

 

During the last crisis a few weeks ago, I was at baseline and able to help, but not now, the reality that I can't pull myself out of this and just 'be normal' is unbearably difficult to deal with. I was hoping and praying that nothing bad would happen in my family until I was recovered, so then I would be able to be responsible and helpful... a source of strength and comfort, being able to provide practical help also, but I can't even help myself again right now. I'm desperately trying to find distractions to stop myself from spiraling out of control into panic.

 

Thanks BTDT for your post, I'm not up to responding here on my thread at the moment. Two days ago I was about to write some details from the middle of a wave, just to document its progress... but then the phone call put an end to that and now I don't know the difference between the wave and the added stressful situation.

 

I just made some tea with camomile and ginger. Had to use two different kinds of tea which will hopefully calm me down and stop the nausea.

 

If I wasn't in protracted withdrawal, today would have been the kind of day I would have taken half a xanax, gone to the hospital, then to visit my family to see if they needed any help with anything. Maybe I would have done it without the xanax, I used to be good in a crisis, even before SSRIs. I was the one who stayed calm and in control, making decisions and getting things done that needed to be done, then I would quietly fall apart after the crisis was over... or not. These drugs have turned me into someone else, someone I don't like... to hell with having patience, I need my old self back now.

 

Maybe later I'll be up to going out. Thankfully I managed to have a shower yesterday, when a wave hits, daily hygiene goes out the window too. I don't think I could manage a shower and a hospital visit in the same day.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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It is ok Petu

I hope your mothers health improves and she is home soon.  I have been in that position too having loved ones need me and I am stuck in wd.  It is odd that the very same thing happens in my family all the time with many different people who were very healthy and now they are not... and getting worse every day.  I wonder if pharma has a target on us to get even for being here truth telling... oh **** that is my paranoia got out again I guess.  Sorry... but there are times I really believe it. 

I was thinking about your grass cutting induced wave and my one cup of tea induced 2 wks of insomnia and days back in bed.... 

when I put it that way it sure seems it is still wd... 

always come back.. or so it seems 

I wish you peace

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

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Petu, I am so sorry to hear about your mother. I hope everything improves soon I know how hard it is to deal with other stressor in a wave and withdrawl. I guess that's all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and do the best we can. When I am bad I have a hard time with personal hygiene aswell and my wife has to force me to take a shower. I too used to be very good in crises situations and now I can hardly handle leaving the house sometimes u just can't wait for the day when we all heal and get our lives back.

 

I will say a pray for you and your mother.

April 2013 Doc put me back on 40mg of celexa for 2.5 weeks than switched to Paxil 3 weeks adverse reaction and kindling reaction
July 2013 5mg celexa and .5mg klonopin daily

5/15/16 started lamictal and currently at 25mg daily once a day.

1/1/17 crossed over from .5mg klonopin to 10mg Valium.

3/1/17 off celexa from getting down to around .25mg.

5/25/17 started tapering the Valium from 10mg to 9mg

6/25/17 dropped down to 8mg Valium 

currently on 8mg of Valium and 25mg of lamictal once a day in the morning never could handle more than 25mg of lamictal and never really felt anything from it.

7/2/17 updosed to 10mg Valium and holding split twice a day and holding.

3/1/18 dropped Valium from 10mg to 9.5mg

4/1/18 dropped Valium from 9.5 to 9mg still on 25mg lamictal.

Updosed 6/20/18 Valium 10mg and 25mg lamictal and holding.

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  • Moderator

Sending good wishes for both you and mum.

 

(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Final Dose 0.016mg.     Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Dear Petunia, I'm so sorry your mom is unwell on top of everything.

 

When you describe how you were the one always in control and strong (and falling apart after the crisis), this is so much me. So I can totally relate to how unbearable it is to see things not going well and not being able to step in and make them better. I tried training myself into thinking that the world will go on without my intervention. And surprisingly some things do but when it comes to doctors I feel the same way as you...maybe you could just tell your father what you wrote here and then it is up to him to take it from there.

 

I hope both you and your mom start feeling better soon. Hugs

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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  • Administrator

Oh, Petu, many hugs. You are the best and bravest.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Dear Petunia, you have given me so much good advice and support although you still have such a difficult time. I am praying for you that this wave goes away very-very soon and your Mum's health restores.

 

O

- on Paxil for more than 20 years, usual dosage 20 mg, in times of crises 40 or 60 mg (once even 80 for a few months!)

 - 9 November 2015 - quit Paxil practically cold turkey (3 weeks tapering)

- 20 Feb 2016 - after 3.5 months on zero drug reinstated 14 mg paxil because of entering unbearable protracted wd

- reinstatement brought no relief, only worse, terrible akhatisia crises, sleep lost completely till I finally understood that my brain could no longer accept the slightest dose of paxil, so tapering after reinstatement became impossible

6 May - 1 October 2016 - in psychiatric clinic in France where I was given: Quitaxon (doxepine),  a tricyclic  - 50 mg - 6 weeks, no improvement, very bad side effects; doctor tried paxil again at only 5 mg and I became suicidal

- then Lexapro, 15 June - end August, very gradual increasing to 15 mg - zomboid only, released from clinic and had to be reatmitted after only a few days. remeron tried too, rejected violently by the body

- 1 sept 2015 - back in clinic changed directly  for Effexor over 4 weeks rising from 37.5 to 187.5 mgs at discharge on 2nd October; 12 October 2015 - decided tapering effexor as it only made me very sick, every 3 weeks dropped 37.5 mg

- 26 Dec - zero effexor, tried prozac and then clomipramine bridge, both rejected

 

 

 

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Petunia.  So sorry that you're going through this .  I hope it improves for you & your Mum .

Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014

 

                                                  Psych Drug - free since May 2014
.
         

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Hope mum.will be fine very very soon,!!

 

Family is my main reason to live and I under stand how vulnerable you have to feel when you are already vulnerable due to the f* pills.

 

I send you love and preface and quickly recovery for her"

PROBLEM. PSSD 
Symptons:- 1 Not arousal, not libido: the sensation of "I could live without sex" - 2 I can get orgasms but they are much weaker. -3 I have noticed that my breast  don´t get swollen before menstruation (This has improved) -4  Lack of vaginal discharge (this has improved)- 5 Barely absence of vaginal odour
Induced by In Escitalopram 1 year and two months
Begining:10 mg per day -Jun 2013 to May 2013-
Reduce to 10 gr every two days - Jun 2013 to Aug 2013

Eventually quit on September 2013.

Slight Improvements. Window:  3 days on August 2015

WHY STARTING WITH IT?Great general anxiety that Esc. cured . Novemb 2015 anxiety hasd returned
Natural suplements or herbs you are having?: 1500 mg oil fish omega 3 daily since 28/1/2014.

 

December 15. 0,5-1 gr lorazepam per day. 

"if you come up with any good ideas, please let me know"

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

WARNING: This post may be disturbing or frightening, especially to new members. I'm in protracted withdrawal from a ridiculously fast taper after long term use. While taking years to recover is not common, it does happen to a minority of people. Don't automatically expect you will take as long.

 

Thanks everyone who commented recently with support and encouragement.

 

I've been avoiding my thread and the whole site to a certain extent lately. I'm drained, depressed and have nothing left inside, for myself or anyone else it seems.

 

My mum is doing well again now. She ended up having 2 surgeries, some slight medication adjustments and now seems to be getting back to her old self very quickly. I'm grateful and relieved but....

 

Once again, someone not affected by these pills has gone through a physical medical event, has benefited from valid medical care and is now getting back to normal in an expected amount of time, much healthier than me, while I'm still reeling from the stress of it all. I've been in a sting of waves the last few months.

 

Before my mum got sick, my baseline had improved considerably, even though I haven't had a real window since last year, I was quite 'happy' with my general rate of recovery. I was feeling decent by about mid-morning to noontime and the symptoms I was still getting were fairly mild compared with the early days. The anhedonia and apathy was letting up for long stretches of time and I was getting regular good feelings. I was looking forward to the cooler weather, believing I would be able to do more in the garden and go for more walks.

 

But its awful again. My symptoms have got worse, everything apart from the akathisia (thankfully) has come back. I can't believe I'm having the same stuff I was going through 4 years ago. On top of the physical symptoms and anxiety through the roof, I'm getting constant waves of guilt and shame, because I can't pull myself out of this. There's a deep feeling of disgust towards myself, its not coming from anyone else these days, I'm doing it to myself now, but I'm sure I was programmed by other people to have these feelings about myself when I don't measure up to expectations.... my own or someone else's.

 

I really don't know what's worse now, the return of acute symptoms or the secondary negative emotions which come with them. I"m much better off than some people, there is no one in my life giving me a hard time. I have a secure home and food, but I have a very strong inner critic torturing me along side the return of physical symptoms and I can't turn it off... it gets triggered by almost everything. I am bad, this is my fault, I deserve this, I only have myself to blame, I should have known better and even worse... I'm making excuses, I'm faking, I could get better if I wanted to, its all in my head and there's no reason to be feeling this way so it doesn't exist.... if I just tried harder :(

 

Neuro-emotions are plaguing me all day long, being triggered by the smallest reference to almost anything in my experience which could possibly cause an unpleasant association. Everything is bad again, the doom and gloom tinted glasses are welded in place and I can't get them off. I know this is temporary, I've been here before, but I never wanted to have to visit again, not like this, not as bad again. If it was something I had done.... alcohol, drugs, Easter eggs..... sky diving, then it would be easier to accept, I would 'take the blame' for my mistake. But this is just so not fair. I want my emotional strength back. I want a functioning nervous system. I want to have back my confidence that I can handle what ever life throws at me... one way or another. I used to be like that. I didn't start out that way, but worked hard to overcome earlier difficulties and became stronger.

 

I wish I had never.... I have two regrets, one is a relationship, the other is SSRIs, together they seem to have crumbled what used to be me, down to dust. If it wasn't for the relationship, I probably wouldn't have needed the drugs. I don't seem to have any solid substance left to build upon any more. This is probably the wave talking, I hope so.

 

I just want another chance at life, a few years of peace and some good feelings, to have the confidence to know I can make a plan and carry it through. I'm too young for my life to be over, and yet it feels like it is, this is as good as its going to get and in fact its just all down hill from here because my body is now slowly being broken down by a nervous system in chaos that can't seem to find the right blueprint to follow to get itself back in order.

 

Thankfully, even though I'm back in this extended wave, I still get a couple of hours of peace in the evenings. Relief isn't arriving until late again now, but its there like a white flag, waving in the distance every day, providing a few remnants of hope.

 

The last few days I've been spending the hours reading threads on the benzo buddies protracted forum. Not posting, just reading, trying to keep myself from spiraling into panic by finding tiny measures of comfort from a community I can relate to.... if other people are still having the same symptoms as me after 3, 4, 5 years of being drug free, then this has to be a real thing, its not just me and I can keep a hold onto what remains of my sanity, knowing that this reality is shared by at least a few other people who write about it daily.

 

I've been going through this for 5 years now, coming up to 3 years drug free, that's when I found out what was actually causing the symptoms and stopped all the rescue doses of everything I was using. That's when I stopped trying to reinstate and stopped believing I had an imbalance which needed fixing.

 

But I've been suffering like this for 5 years. Finding out the cause gave me some hope, a plan and the will to keep going, knowing that there was light at the end of the tunnel. But I didn't expect to be still feeling this way 3 years later. When it got really bad at the end of 2011 and I was thinking it was just stress or something, I figured it would resolve within 6 months and I thought I could probably deal with it that long, whatever it was.

 

I've always been a glass half full kind of person and knew I was going to recover fast, it seemed inevitable because I had finally got my life sorted out. I was free from stress, in control with no real problems for the first time ever. I had the perfect set-up for a smooth recovery and the best information and advice to support that.

 

On one hand, I'm grateful, it could be so much worse. I'm able to suffer in relative comfort without any real immediate concerns. But that's little comfort really when its no comfort because suffering is suffering regardless of what it looks like from the outside. I might as well be hanging from one hand from a branch overhanging a cliff on a cold windy day, because that's my reality for the majority of my waking moments. That or some other life threatening situation which no one else but me is aware of.

 

The other day I climbed up my ladder to deal with yet another wasp nest which was being built in the gutter right outside the back door. There was no increase in fear or anxiety, that was already there about as high as it can go. There was a fleeting thought that I might fall off the ladder, due to my dizziness or some random thing that might happen suddenly in my body, but mostly I was just angry, at the wasps for being so persistent in choosing my back gutter every year and at the fact that I have no one in my life capable of helping me with things like that now. When I was healthy, things like that were a challenge, I liked being independent and feeling courageous, knowing that I could handle some of the typical 'man chores'. But now.... I feel so helpless and vulnerable and alone and angry that my life has come to this, having to climb up a ladder, by myself, when I'm dizzy and in protracted withdrawal, already on the verge of panic from nothing at all and squirt a bunch of wasps with insect spray, right in front of my nose, hoping they don't attack me before I can get back down the ladder.

 

I didn't want to get stung and I didn't want to fall off the ladder. But there was no associated increase in fear, that's just there all the time regardless of external circumstances.

 

I guess I could have called the local council to come and deal with it. I think they do that kind of thing. But.... it feels too much like giving up what remains of me. I'm angry, furious that I'm in this mess, my life gone, my health gone, hopes and dreams dissolved and I was not going to be brought to my knees by a bunch of stupid wasps. It was bad enough that I had to call a plumber again, for something that I previously would have tackled myself.

 

I feel like changing my window avatar, every time I look at it, it seems to be taunting me.

 

Something else which is really disturbing at the moment.... my daughter's boyfriends parents, who I've never met, recently both started taking antidepressants, about 3 months ago. Apparently, they are both much calmer and easier to deal with now, and my daughter's boyfriend has just moved back home after being asked to leave for no good reason. His mum now no longer yells all the time :mellow: and has friends for the first time in ages.

 

I hope everyone else is doing better than I am at the moment.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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I'm so sorry Petuina. Your words really hit home.

I will say what everyone has being saying to me - this will pass. This awful wave will pass. I Really hope it is soon for you.

2008 - Doctors appointment with stress induced anxiety led to Citalopram prescription.

Severe adverse reaction

Mirtazapine prescribed - adverse reaction but told to stay on.

Poop out - December 2013

15mg

Currently on 13.5mg,

April 12mg

May 10th - 11mg

June 10th - 10mg

July 8th - 9mg

September - 0mg

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