Rosebud36 Not Doing So Good...

[Rosebud36]

4 months off of effexor (slow taper) and Diazepam (no taper) and I feel like I just cant do this withdrawal hell anymore. 8 years down the meds line (been given lots of ADs to try - non particulary successfully) for severe GAD. I am under no-ones professional help despite many attempts over years to get someone to give a sh*t. No one does and my life feels too much. I used to feel ok, what the hell went wrong? I am 36, socially afraid, unable to meet anyone to have a relationship with, Im very lonely, a single mum (to a wonderful boy who deserves better), now Im unemployed (unable to face work anymore) and completely and utterly gutted that this is my life. I feel so alone and so frightened that whatever path I am on is the wrong one and will lead me further into this anxiety nightmare and I have noone professionally trained to guide me otherwise.

 

I have the will to help myself and am constantly trying to stay strong and positive but I honestly feel like giving up now. I have lost sight of the goal. the light. Im so tired of feeling so awful and 'different' to my peers. I dont know what to do to save myself for the sake of my son and for me.

 

Noone deserves this and I am sorry that any of you have to feel the way I do. Just looking for some understanding right now xx thanks everyone and stay strong.

 

Rosebud x

[Nikki]

Rosebud.....

 

We all know what it feels like to be in the place of despair that you are in.  I am calling it despair.  The chemical reaction from getting off these drugs causes such an emotional impact.  From your signature I see that your taper was fast and CT with Diazepam.

 

I have never taken Effexor.  Is it possible to reinstate at a small dose?  I know the others will be along shortly to give you some advise on a possible reinstatment.

 

I can't stand seeing people suffer like this.  It's heartbeaking.  If you need too, you can chat with me via a PM for a shoulder to rest your head on.  Marmite is helping me uncover what's beneath my issues.  Your issue is WD and it is a chemical issue which is bringing on all the sadness.

 

Hugs

[Rosebud36]

Thanks Nikki ((hug)) your message means a great deal to me. I appreciate your support and that you said it was withdrawal still as its hard to hold onto that when you are getting further away from when you first stopped taking the drugs. It is heartbreaking to read other peoplpes stories and we know how much courage this takes.

 

I have been told that its likely that any reinstatement of meds would be ineffective or poss worsen things as its been so long since I took them out of my system. If that wasnt the case I would reinstate it. To be honest at this point I would take anything if I thought it would help.

 

Need to try and stay positive but feel like I have used up even my emergency reserves. Im all out.

 

Thanks again, very much x

 

Rosebud x

[dunerbug]

My heart goes out to you. I have been there and can totally relate.

 

Please hold on. Time will pass and things won't always seem so black. 

 

You have found a great resource here, so post when you need to.

 

I too am a mom which adds a layer of difficulty to all of this. 

 

Reinstatement is always a risk. But you are far enough out where you just gotta hang in there.

[Finn]

Hello and welcome to the forum. I hope you find support and guidance here to get you through your despair.

 

I am so sorry you are experiencing the suffering you are. I too can relate. I have often felt utterly alone and stuck in a mess, searching for the right help. I'm currently withdrawing from Effexor so I know the misery it causes. Know that you are not alone.

[Nikki]

Rosebud I have read that three months out may narrow the window for reinstatment to be effective but can still work as it may not be that far out.  This is what I have read, not experienced.

 

If you do try you may not be any worse off.  Please run this by some of the others who have taken Effexor.

 

No one knows for sure what how your body will react.

 

The site is being updated and there are some gliches right now, soooo just hold on for someone with more experience.

 

Hugs

[Fitby50]

Hey Rosebud, I was on Effexor and probably got off too fast.  At the time I thought I was going slow, but that was before I saw all this info. about withdrawl and SSRI discontinuation syndrome.  Did you ever get hot flashes, or feel so hot you were burning up when you were getting off of it??  It also gave me bad restless leg syndrome if I missed a dose while I was on it.  I had some other issues while tapering, but nothing too bad, and felt pretty good once I was off completely. Then after doing ok for about 2 months it got horrible, I tried to last it out for about a month, not really knowing what was going on, then I gave into my doc and went on 20mg of generic Prozac.  At the time I thought it was just me needing to be on these stupid drugs, then I found this website and more info. about how bad these drugs can mess up our bodies, minds and souls.  I think the side effects from the crappy generic Prozac is giving me more problems then I had before I started them, but I am trying to wait it out.  I feel the worst first thing in the morning with bad anxiety, hollow stomach, can't hardly eat a bite, then as the day wears on, I feel better late afternoon evening, but still feel anxious and fragile.  Sleep was really bad, so my doc wanted me to try Trazodone.  It's not really helping for sleep, but does seem to take the edge off the anxiety during the day. I started at 25mg and was supose to up to 50mg the whole pill, but I am not going to go any higher.  So far it is getting me through the day, so its good enough.  I know doctors suck for helping us with all of this, so sometimes I talk to the pharmacist and ask them for advice and tell them my symptoms, then ask the doctor if she will let me try something.  Is anxiety the worst part for you right now?  I get small pockets of depression, but it comes and gos never lasting more than an hour or so. I try and walk outside every day for at least 30 minutes and that helps burn some anxiety off.  I try and leave my brain at home when on the walks to get the most relief, bcuz I have a bad habit of thinking things too much instead of just relaxing and enjoying the exercise.  If only we had switches on our brains, so we could TURN OFF to get some real peace. I know that each minute, hour of every day is forever when feeling so bad, but we have to keep holding on, finding any tiniest thing to keep us to trudge on. Please hang in there, we are all in this together,

[areyouthere]

Welcome Rosebud. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this.  You are wise to reach out... this is a gentle place.

 

In your signature you mentioned that you are having break through "good" days. That is a very, very good sign.

 

I just enjoyed a long run of good days, tapered and am back to struggling a bit. It can be so frustrating , but worse yet I think, frightening.

 

"Feeling so different than your peers" is such a good way to put it too. It's almost like there are "them" and then there is "us" . I have to believe that being one of "us" will make us stronger. 

 

I'm grateful for this forum and the support and hope you will feel the same.

 

Hang in there!! We can all do this together!

 

RU  

[Jemima]

I'm sorry to hear about how much you're suffering, Rosebud.  Here's our topic on reinstating in general that may be of interest:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/3079-about-reinstating-and-stabilizing-to-stop-withdrawal-symptoms/

 

It's true that being three months out and reinstating is risky, but some people on this forum have found that it works.  I'm not recommending it, but it's something to consider.  The idea is to start at a very low dose, a fraction of the last dosage taken, because a person's system has become so sensitized to the drug.

 

In any event, this is not the way you'll feel for the rest of your life.  That's a very common fear in early withdrawal.  I got off of Lexapro too fast about year and a half ago, but I'm now almost back to normal.  What isn't normal is some emotional deadening, but I'm having some stretches of normalcy there as well.

 

Were you a regular Valium user?  Would you please add your history with that drug to your signature as well?  Withdrawal from benzos can be every bit as brutal as withdrawing from antidepressants, so that may be compounding your withdrawal problems.

 

Welcome to the forum.

[Rosebud36]

Thank you Fitby50 and all you ladies for taking the time to write to me. I read, then re-read all your messages as they all give me comfort because I know you all 'get it'.

 

The hardest thing through all this is that if you do have an ok day, you cant help but feel hopeful that 'this time' that feeling might stay and that it will start to get better from there. Then the next day you wake up with a dread, a deep depression, an almost painful and all consuming anxiety, and I feel totally gutted that I am back to where I started. The latest 'bad day' always feels the hardest yet even though its prob the same as the last. Mainly get bad days but there is the odd ok one thrown in.

 

I was on 5mg Diazepam x 28 tablets a month for about 2 years. I will add this to my history, thank you x I dont know if the withdrawal is now from the benzo or effexor or both.

 

After 8 long years of getting used to a med, then staying on it for 6 months (ineffectively), adjusting the dosage myself as the GP admitted to not being an expert so they let me, then withdrawing of it again, only to have a couple of weeks gap before starting on the next one etc etc etc ETC. By the time I decided to just STOP, I must have tried about 12 different ADs and had run out of courage and positivity so to then walk the very hard path of recovery thru WD, I didnt really have the internal resources to tap into. Not like any of us has many choices though eh?

 

Sending you all tons and tons of focus and positivity towards your own personal challenges. You are all very brave and I wish I could give each of you a big cuddle xxx

 

Thank you

 

Rosebud36 x

[Petunia]

Hi Rosebud,

I'm sorry you are still feeling awful after coming off your medication.  I read your first post and know just how bad it can be at times, when it goes on for so long, not making sense and no one else really understands just how bad it can feel, no matter what you say.

 

Like you, I was first diagnosed with GAD and have tried several different medications over the years, but now am off all meds.  I tapered too fast and have protracted withdrawal.  But I'm slowly getting better.

 

This site is wonderful, not only supportive, but probably the best source of AD withdrawal information available, so you are in the right place to start getting some relief and stability back in life for you and your son.

The hardest thing through all this is that if you do have an ok day, you cant help but feel hopeful that 'this time' that feeling might stay and that it will start to get better from there. Then the next day you wake up with a dread, a deep depression, an almost painful and all consuming anxiety, and I feel totally gutted that I am back to where I started.

 

Before I found this site, this constant unpredictable nature of how I felt made me so confused, it drove me to feeling totally helpless and desperate.  But apparently, this fluctuation is 'normal' in AD recovery, its called a windows and waves pattern.  Here is a link to more information about it:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/82-the-windows-and-waves-pattern-of-recovery/

 

  Hope you feel better soon.

[Rhiannon]

Rosebud, this is definitely not how you're going to be feeling for the rest of your life. You're in acute withdrawal from a CT of Valium and a  very rapid taper of venlafaxine.

 

The suffering you're experiencing is normal for your situation, but you WILL recover. It will probably take a lot longer than you'd like it to, but it will happen. I've seen a lot of other people go through the same thing, and they have all gotten better eventually. It may take a couple of years.

 

Hang in there!

[Rosebud36]

Thank you Rhi - your message that this is normal and will end is VERY encouraging, although hearing 'two years' fills me with horror lol. This has already been the longest 4 months of my life.

 

Rosebud x

[dunerbug]

Even if it does last two years. It's not going to be intense the whole time like you are experiencing now. It will be a wave and window pattern like the above posters said.

[areyouthere]

Thank you Rhi - your message that this is normal and will end is VERY encouraging, although hearing 'two years' fills me with horror lol. This has already been the longest 4 months of my life.Rosebud x

It gets better Rosebud, it really does. BUT you have to decide that YOU are in control and not the drugs. My best advice is to listen to the most prominent advice here on this forum. Generally you will hear over and over that going SLOWLY ( yes, " horrifically" slowly) will actually get you to your destination FASTER. Can't stress this enough.

 

RU