Being unscheduled / without daily or future activities or purpose

[Nikki]

I am trying to find the meaning behind this and need some help figuring it out.  Summer of 2009 I was laid off.

 

I used to get up at 5:30am - make coffee - shower and do what I needed to do to get ready for work. Of course, I woke with anxiety.  There was a 2 year lexapro taper in here.  But I did it anyway.  I knew that getting up and going to work was good for me.

 

After the lay off, I did have a few jobs and I was up again at 5:30 filled with anxiety, but I had to force myself to jump up, shower, etc.

 

For a long time now....I have trouble getting up.

 

I lay there, look at the clock and hope that I can fall back to sleep, sleep deeply and wake up refreshed.  NEVER HAPPENS.

I don't set an alarm anymore because my body wakes up at 6:30am but I play this silly game over and over again.

 

I do now, and have awoken with anxiety for years and years.

 

I need to figure this out and this morning I don't have the answers.  I have morning Dread, but I seem to be creating this myself.

 

Is this depression?  Fear?  I don't have a clear picture and I am trying to work towards a routine of getting up at 6:30 and not go on the computer.  Instead, shower, coffee, breakfast, daily readers,etc.

 

Please send some advise and input....

[btdt]

I keep revisiting this theme and MAY be closing in on an answer or, at the very least, ruling some things out.I made it to visit the friend mentioned in first post and I think I may be more miserable than I was at home in California. The friend is new to area, has 2 brothers nearby who are single, no families and recently retired (late 50s). As mentioned before, they stay at home and watch TV or play on computer all day and get together 1-2/week for lunch or dinner.I thought I might fit in since their lifestyle is much like mine (EMPTY), but it has accentuated my misery because they all seem to be content with laying around all day, not getting dressed or having any schedule or goals.Even though I envy their ability to be content with this life in their 50s, I don't WANT to get used to it. My own family was much like this and it's not tolerable for me. Also, I've already been fighting the emptiness for 12 years. Ive actually felt more suicidal in the last week than ever, probably because I thought this environment was the best fit (and escape) for me but isn't.Is this a midlife / existential crisis??Will I ever not feel completely homeless and ungrounded??Are there some personality types that do not adapt to this lifestyle??I do know that it is not simply having ACTIVITIES or company that matters.Most of all...To what degree is withdrawal a contributing factor? Drugs definitely dulled the emptiness.

 

 

I have this suspicion withdrawal is a mayor contributor to this state of mind and perhaps the general discontent with everything you see feel touch taste sense... 

sorry got carried away with the last few words there.  I do go thru times where nothing on earth could please me short of pharma finding time machine and sending me back to redo my life over with the knowledge I have now... before drugs.  

I am so tired of reviewing this entire situation from any and every angle and I cannot find a cure... I CANNOT accept and tolerate  it either tho I think if I could things would be much better for me.  I am so angry I think I have boiled it down to that. Angry.. maybe.  

 

I so identify with everything you have said in this thread Barb and will admit I read some of the other posts but mostly just read yours and it speaks to what I feel... I tried reading some replies .. none of them  spoke to me.  I am impatient to find answers or even the right questions. I feel like I am drowning in mesh of days in days out bullsh*t.. there is the occasional crisis.. sure they are there along with the day here or there when I can engage in something normal... This is not a life! 

 

Back and forth on the computer is what I do too... 

I have not engage much in the outside world for years... 

Something is missing something is broken....

I know too much maybe.....

 

 

The world is full of these drugs... I can't seem to fit in because I don't believe the world is the same place other people think it is... my views have change... I can't help it... and I can't tolerate so many things in this new world I am suppose to live it. 

 

I don't trust it...I think I mean the world where this can happen and continue to go on and on and on... I can't trust a world like that can't bring myself to accept it ... at times I have felt differently which is why I think this void I feel is partly withdrawal. I felt a better I worked hard on other things to bring myself to a place where I could tolerate a small world I had built for myself.  It did not include much outside real world activity. It changed and I am back here again.  This is a cycle for me. and I do wonder if the world has changed to one where I don't fit any longer.  One of lies and malpractice of corporate persuasion greedy overlords run the show. 

If this can happen to me to you to all  the other people around the world, then we as a race have a major problem and I can't see how to move forward without addressing it... in some way repairing it.  If the pharma folks had the same idea admitting and tried to fix this...  we maybe able to find a world where we could co exist... but it does not seem to be coming. 

 

I think I am a fixer by nature... not that I want to be one I just happened to turn out that way.  I can't fix this.  I can't tolerate it either. So how am I suppose to find comfort in a world like this.. how?  

 

I have tired of it and tired to walk away from the drug withdrawal issue so many times I can't do it for long... 

there are too many hits on my nerves.... 

school shooting crazy accidents that make no sense kids dying ... 

 

For a long time in withdrawal I tuned out the news as it over stimulated my system I could not deal I lived on comedy and cartoons media wise.  I did improve as this was a needed reprieve for a time.

 

I think having experienced this we are changed. It is not even all the losses tho the grief of that is often immense it is knowing it is still happening and will continue.

 

We know too much and how could any rational caring person who has been devastated by these medications step back into a world where these drugs are damaging lives and people every moment on a extremely large scale to the point you can't ignore it .. how could a person like that step back into the world (even if we were well enough to) and pretend it is all ok...

 

I worked with kids it was my passion before drugs changed me...

How could I work with a child taking these drugs and maintain my own sanity knowing what I know...

 

Getting back to the world means we have to.. in some way..I have not yet found ... accept that this is how it is now and we have to convince ourselves we and our loved ones are safer in an environment where this can happen......

 

Like a computer program that has a glitch I keep going back to I can't function with a faulty program that lies... and give false results...mistakes that every body else does not seem to see...

 

The computer is broke... I can't work with it... at the same time i don't know how to fix it.  I try in my own way to do damage control to bring peace and healing to people to guide them to it .. even when I can't get there that day myself... that too feels like a lie in a way as how can I teach what I don't know... what I don't own... I can say get thru this day.... maybe help with day to day stuff.  That is surviving that is not healing...

 

I think we are being asked by the universe to keep walking to be productive get on with it all the while we have  a huge axe in the back of our heads... each of us... gutted in our own way... and we see others daily with these axes in their heads in there hearts... with all types of damage... we are asked to pretend there is no damage.... there are no axes...

 

I SEE AXES ALL DAY EVERYDAY... I CAN'T NOT SEE THEM.

 

Even when I do not want to be involved with drugs or any drug topic... my family the lady next door the kids I know... all drugged... all having problems... they come to my world when I am trying to hide and not see axes .. they come.  They talk they are saying do you see the axe in their own way ... and I say yes I see the axe I think I know how it got there and why... but I can't take the axe out I can't take their axes out and I can't take my axe out once done the damage is done...

 

Problem is bad enough watching them competing in life with the axe in the head against others who don't have it they struggle and fall and blame themselves... they forget the axe as they don't know as much.   Bad enough watching them but every f.... day more are added... more axe heads come everyday.

 

In a way I blame knowing too much... maybe... tho I have always been the type to eat the apple I wanted to know... old tree of knowledge ... at the same time I am not smart enough to figure out the entire problem or fix it. That is torture too.

 

To end this yes some of it is withdrawal... but getting back up means not only healing from the damage to some functional state it also means facing a new world where the axe that knocked you down is running rampant.. and you are expected to accept this and learn to live with it...

 

I CAN'T ADAPT!!

 

 

Sometimes I really want to I just can't.

I wonder if this is the major flaw in my program as I keep coming back to this point. Is me that is too broken is the world I live it .. is it both... they just don't have a common ground.. I can't get my footing. 

[UnfoldingSky]

Excellent post btdt, resonates a lot with me.

 

It's a tremendous cognitive dissonance many of us are left with, to try to navigate a world that is so at odds with our lived reality.  I feel like I might as well have met space aliens, borded their ship, been taken to far off planets to experience unimaginably hellish worlds, only to come back to Earth to find out that people think aliens aren't even real...And I am expected to act as if none of it happened.

 

I have seen too much and it's just not possible now. 

 

I suppose the answer then is to do something about it. 

 

Barb, I wonder, perhaps you could create something for yourself to help?  Perhaps starting a local group to help others who are going through withdrawal might be something to think about.  I think you make a huge positive contribution to the forum and though it's never a good thing to see anyone suffering from the drugs (or anything else), your posts I am sure make an impact.  Although, of course there's the issue of whether or not other people would be well enough to attend.  Just something to think about, ignore it if it's been said, or not relevant, I'm not clear minded at the moment.  I wanted to say though you are doing good work here, if that helps at all; I've read many of your posts and find they very often speak to things I am experiencing as well and I feel less alone as a result.  

 

 

[btdt]

Excellent post btdt, resonates a lot with me.

 

It's a tremendous cognitive dissonance many of us are left with, to try to navigate a world that is so at odds with our lived reality.  I feel like I might as well have met space aliens, borded their ship, been taken to far off planets to experience unimaginably hellish worlds, only to come back to Earth to find out that people think aliens aren't even real...And I am expected to act as if none of it happened.

 

I have seen too much and it's just not possible now. 

 

I suppose the answer then is to do something about it. 

 

Barb, I wonder, perhaps you could create something for yourself to help?  Perhaps starting a local group to help others who are going through withdrawal might be something to think about.  I think you make a huge positive contribution to the forum and though it's never a good thing to see anyone suffering from the drugs (or anything else), your posts I am sure make an impact.  Although, of course there's the issue of whether or not other people would be well enough to attend.  Just something to think about, ignore it if it's been said, or not relevant, I'm not clear minded at the moment.  I wanted to say though you are doing good work here, if that helps at all; I've read many of your posts and find they very often speak to things I am experiencing as well and I feel less alone as a result.  

I think if I could get well enough I could fake it well enough to find a life... if I could get well.  And that would be something for my family if not so hot for me it would be something.  

Doing something about it is maybe part of what sites like this are about.  PP showed up in 2004 this site is here now there are others.  They help, it just isn't enough some of us don't get well enough fast enough. 

 

Do what about it?  

What else is there to do?  I have no idea.  Would like to hear ideas tho so if you have one spill. 

[Abilifyneedhelp88]

Hey There,

 

Oh So how much I can relate...I have been out of work for a year and 7 months of that was taking an online course.....So many of my days are unscheduled and I think that is what landed me in the hospital in 2011,, Struggling to find something to do....No one seemed to want to hire me, then the nursing board got on my case and had me do psyche evals where obviously after  my long hx, they deemed me unfit after putting me through a 6hr interrogation with no food or water and no bathroom breaks....I can relate to everyone here and tomm. is an unscheduled day. I used to sleep in bed until noon just to pass the time, so there would only be a little bit of the day left,,,,That seemed to work...Now I too feel like I am wasting my life...where others seem to have it all. I want that too, a career, a baby

[btdt]

Hey There,

 

Oh So how much I can relate...I have been out of work for a year and 7 months of that was taking an online course.....So many of my days are unscheduled and I think that is what landed me in the hospital in 2011,, Struggling to find something to do....No one seemed to want to hire me, then the nursing board got on my case and had me do psyche evals where obviously after  my long hx, they deemed me unfit after putting me through a 6hr interrogation with no food or water and no bathroom breaks....I can relate to everyone here and tomm. is an unscheduled day. I used to sleep in bed until noon just to pass the time, so there would only be a little bit of the day left,,,,That seemed to work...Now I too feel like I am wasting my life...where others seem to have it all. I want that too, a career, a baby

It has only been a year that is not long withdrawal can take 2=3 years for the lucky up to 7 for the unlucky.  If you are well enough to take a course in the first year my bet is you will be one of the lucky 2-3 year ones... I have not worked. since 2005 or 6 can't remember... 7 or 8 years... seems like I have fallen into a hole and keep slipping back down.  Keep going forward and do not give up hope ...if you can do it keep taking courses it will keep your brain going and increase you chances of finding work... stay away from drugs... get better... you can do this... you life depends on it.

[UnfoldingSky]

I think if I could get well enough I could fake it well enough to find a life... if I could get well.  And that would be something for my family if not so hot for me it would be something.  

Doing something about it is maybe part of what sites like this are about.  PP showed up in 2004 this site is here now there are others.  They help, it just isn't enough some of us don't get well enough fast enough. 

 

Do what about it?  

What else is there to do?  I have no idea.  Would like to hear ideas tho so if you have one spill. 

 

 

Sorry I hope I didn't make that sound like I was saying you and others weren't doing anything or enough, I was more talking to myself.  This site is obviously invaluable and reaching out to others online a good idea.  I just was trying to think of things to do in "real life" as it gets a bit lonely spending so much time on the computer.   Re ideas I will think a bit more about it, I have thought of some but can't say if they are even feasible and at the moment I'm really spaced out.  More later.

[Temperance]

Why is this existence such torture for me while others seem to be content with it? I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I've been unscheduled for over 12 years now but it's really bothered me since tapering off of Pristiq. The limbo feels like purgatory.As bad as my family dynamic was (drug addiction, enmeshed), i think it fulfilled a warped sense of purpose or belonging. I gave up and separated from them during withdrawal and when I learned of my own illnesses.This is so horrible for me that I beg my husband to help me die.

 

Hi Barbara

I just read your descriptions of being in purgatory...I know exactly how you feel...I have the same conscious existence you describe but had not put it down in words in the way you have. Even the comments about family enmeshment & having to separate from them is something I can relate to. I got to thinking that it was because love had died because that is how it all feels, or at least my capacity to experience it had been chemically dissolved by so many years on psych drugs, I know that feeling you describe as being so horrible you want to die. I've lived with it since 2005...it's indescribably harrowing & sorry folks, but only medical marijuana hit the spol, but as a UK citizen, my conscience before God would gnaw at me for obtaining non-prescribed material so whilst I was relieved of the harrowing, I had something else to harrow my spirit in it's place.

 

My harrowing conscience experience of existence, post ssri is such that i'm rent in two over it all every day, so I do know where you're coming from & why you would ask for help to die. I've made similar requests myself.

 

To try & end on a positive note, pls search for Dr Peter Peter Breggin at breggin.com & watch his simple truths about psychiatry series...I wept whilst watching his latest presentations, they do offer some hope & comfort, but he would not recommend mmj...that bit is my personal experience as it cut through the synapse deep scars of desolate purgatory left from the seroxat & zoloft...he does say that some have to take a low does of whatever did the damage in the first place, but it grieves me to the core that I should be bound to taking something like an ssri when one of earths herbs works better & more safely...it's very personal & all I can do is share my experiences of what helps & what doesn't.

 

For more validation, visit http://www.toxicpsychiatry.com & I hope you get though it all. Sending you my sincere empathy & hoping you find your way home soon.

[Barbarannamated]

Thanks, Temperance, and all for sharing your own painful feelings on being in this purgatory. I'm sorry that my words resonate with so many.

 

Btdt's description hit me:

 

"Even when I do not want to be involved with drugs or any drug topic... my family the lady next door the kids I know... all drugged... all having problems... they come to my world when I am trying to hide and not see axes .. they come.  They talk they are saying do you see the axe in their own way ... and I say yes I see the axe I think I know how it got there and why... but I can't take the axe out I can't take their axes out and I can't take my axe out once done the damage is done..."

 

This describes my life. I get up in the morning and first thing I hear is husband discussing drugs with other physicians and nurses by phone (consultant). Most are drugs for pain/neuro/ psych. We have 2 room house, so I can't escape. I know this is keeping the wound open for me. Triggers and landmines everywhere..

[btdt]

 

Why is this existence such torture for me while others seem to be content with it? I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I've been unscheduled for over 12 years now but it's really bothered me since tapering off of Pristiq. The limbo feels like purgatory.As bad as my family dynamic was (drug addiction, enmeshed), i think it fulfilled a warped sense of purpose or belonging. I gave up and separated from them during withdrawal and when I learned of my own illnesses.This is so horrible for me that I beg my husband to help me die.

 

Hi Barbara

I just read your descriptions of being in purgatory...I know exactly how you feel...I have the same conscious existence you describe but had not put it down in words in the way you have. Even the comments about family enmeshment & having to separate from them is something I can relate to. I got to thinking that it was because love had died because that is how it all feels, or at least my capacity to experience it had been chemically dissolved by so many years on psych drugs, I know that feeling you describe as being so horrible you want to die. I've lived with it since 2005...it's indescribably harrowing & sorry folks, but only medical marijuana hit the spol, but as a UK citizen, my conscience before God would gnaw at me for obtaining non-prescribed material so whilst I was relieved of the harrowing, I had something else to harrow my spirit in it's place.

 

My harrowing conscience experience of existence, post ssri is such that i'm rent in two over it all every day, so I do know where you're coming from & why you would ask for help to die. I've made similar requests myself.

 

To try & end on a positive note, pls search for Dr Peter Peter Breggin at breggin.com & watch his simple truths about psychiatry series...I wept whilst watching his latest presentations, they do offer some hope & comfort, but he would not recommend mmj...that bit is my personal experience as it cut through the synapse deep scars of desolate purgatory left from the seroxat & zoloft...he does say that some have to take a low does of whatever did the damage in the first place, but it grieves me to the core that I should be bound to taking something like an ssri when one of earths herbs works better & more safely...it's very personal & all I can do is share my experiences of what helps & what doesn't.

 

For more validation, visit http://www.toxicpsychiatry.com & I hope you get though it all. Sending you my sincere empathy & hoping you find your way home soon.

 

Just wanted to say I did try pot as others have suggested it on "help"| sites.  One puff I had to go to bed.  Had a bed dizzy spell could not relate to people at all.  It was at a big family gathering I completely missed it and people kept coming into the bedroom i ran to hide in and checking on me.  I really felt like I could not get up I was to dizzy it affected my consciousness to... found it really difficult to try and stay in the moment when people talked to me I would not be there. 

I will never try it again.  

I do wonder how we are all so very different in our response to think guess it could very well be the type of pot too I am sure there varied  concoctions of pot so much so that they may barely relate to each other except to be called pot... quite likely it is that.  If I found something that worked I would not give a rats ass if it were illegal... in my opinion these antidepressants should be illegal... Like I have voiced before I no longer relate .... a world that can push mind damaging drugs as a cure and then lie about all the damage can go to hell.... if I found something that worked I would have it for myself rather it were legal or not.  If I could afford it of course... I could not afford pot the way it sits now.  But if I found something that worked I could work then afford the next batch... and around my rambling mind I go... 

I do NOT recommend pot not only because of my experience but because you never really know what your getting it could well damage you are set you withdrawal back a long time.  Just like other drugs pushed on my when I quit E ct... they did not help and likely made things worse. 

[btdt]

Barbarannamated

Sorry I can't find he post where you said you can't fit with people who do nothing all day.  That in itself may be a hint I should not be posting today but I am throwing caution to the wind as if nothing else experiencing these drugs is not for wimps and I have learned I have to set out in courage or foolishness more often than not... to get anywhere... it all depends on how it turns out. 

 

I think what we expect of life can make a big difference in how we deal with the downgrading of our life experience.  What we have experienced already if we had a full joyful life before the drugs it is more difficult to slip into apathy and nothingness and accept it.  Could be a fighting nature too... a nature to change our world rather than accept what is presented to us.  If we had any great success with any of this before the drugs it will be more difficult for us to settle in and let life run us.  

 

Whatever is inside you that pushed you to break from your family of origin to create the life you wanted for yourself is also what pushes you still I bet to have a satisfying life still.  I think it is a personality thing to start with added to a life lesson of success... now with the limitations of a faulty system... add whatever medical dx you like I have had so many I don't give them all that much credence at this point.  Not just with psych dr but other issues as well.  Brain auto immune crap... mostly they don't want to do anything to fix it other than give me more drugs which I will not take... or have already tried and given up on.  

 

I think your visit with the lay about friends stirred that part of you... who knows better... who already escaped that life ... to think it was the only thing left is not going to work for you... tho it made you feel worse it has also ruled that out as a lifestyle and perhaps an escape... it sucks when we try to escape the small world we have only to find that our escape is not going to work... is actually smaller than the world we were in ourselves.   I have found this too... with friends who live in the country... no tolerance for a life like that tho a very short visit is tolerable.  

 

Having no place to run forces us to stand and face it a bit too much.  We can't run from things that are inside us so they say the changes affecting us are still there no matter where we go or who we are with. 

 

Once I read this I will paraphrase:  When we have done all we can and see no other way to escape this is when we learn to expand and evolve in other ways... if we can't spread horizontally( which in my mind is the reality of general life) we will learn to expand vertically as a form of releasing the pressure and finding a new way of being.  

I played with this is way of meditation of changing the state of my existence...I read many different types of meditation books and cherry picked what I would try... some really helped me to expand myself it is tricky to explain as I did not retain the vocabulary of the work just got the gist of it and used it for myself... was not ever planning on telling anyone about it.  I can't seem to retain words anyway and a  lot of my remaining issues which come and go are with receptive language.  It seems to come and same asthe memory issues. 

 

I turned to the library and literally read everything they have on meditation and picked what I would try from there... some things really helped me.

I was looking at how long you have been off meds and it is not that long yet... about the same time I started with the meditation... around the 3 year mark. Really nothing had changed in my world except my perception which allowed me to carry on a bit longer and withstand the pressures I was forced to live under.  You could look at this as a from of escapism I guess and the last sentence proves it.  However sometimes it is staying long enough for this long healing process to take place.   [ (if we are going to heal)  I keep hoping don't give up hope... I have healed a lot in the last four years]  I still have glitches and sometimes I get these odd metaphysical type of epiphanies like right now... my contributing to this page is reminding me I have an alternative place to go... and just now I need it.  So although I will never again trust pharma or a lot of the supporting elements of pharma... I have a new sort of trust that when I really need something life will provide it... in an often late have to be squeezed into pain before I remember the escape route kind of way.

 

No matter what they dx you with don't get stuck to much on that as I think it can distract you from healing.  In my experience labels attempt to define us... we are more than their words and I truly believe words can't define us unless we take them on and own them as a definition of ourselves ... I use to work with disable kids the ones who did not know they were not suppose to be able to do things often surprised everybody because nobody told them they did not have the ability to change to heal to become more. don't get stuck... with crap... your more. 

 

 

I am hoping this small step of courage does not turn out to be foolishness but if it does I am big enough to take it as this entire life experience has taught me to stand and face the **** of all kinds... so a bit more **** I can do it... bit of courage and chin up all that.  I long ago when dealing with despair of withdrawal thought I am not letting this beat me and if nothing else I am staying to see how it ends and help make it end if I can.  I have been cheated out of enough already so if expanding vertically or to a spiritual dimension takes enough pressure off me to allow me to stay so be it. 

 

I did not get lost there I did not get stuck there... it is when I am stuck here I need to stretch out... now that I have reminded myself of this today I will go practice it again. 

 

I think if your going to attempt this it is key to trust yourself on what to do... learning to focus ...mediate on one thing without naming it to see it without words is how to start.  There's a book for that. I have always been a book lover

. peace to you all 

[btdt]

Thanks, Temperance, and all for sharing your own painful feelings on being in this purgatory. I'm sorry that my words resonate with so many.Btdt's description hit me:"Even when I do not want to be involved with drugs or any drug topic... my family the lady next door the kids I know... all drugged... all having problems... they come to my world when I am trying to hide and not see axes .. they come.  They talk they are saying do you see the axe in their own way ... and I say yes I see the axe I think I know how it got there and why... but I can't take the axe out I can't take their axes out and I can't take my axe out once done the damage is done..."This describes my life. I get up in the morning and first thing I hear is husband discussing drugs with other physicians and nurses by phone (consultant). Most are drugs for pain/neuro/ psych. We have 2 room house, so I can't escape. I know this is keeping the wound open for me. Triggers and landmines everywhere..

I am quoting you so you will come and read the post I just put up to you... that is all. 

[RubyTuesday]

I find it absolutely necessary to create a schedule for myself. If I am too upset to go to a ballet class (frequently) I go to an AA meeting, in spite of my incredible annoyance with the inability to discuss the psych med problem in AA, lately I have been meditating with candle and incense at the same time every day in the same chair, I am working on filling up my day while I apply for disability, sincerely hoping I will be better before I get it. the more I fill up my day the better I feel. just getting dressed putting on makeup and walking around the block makes me feel better. reading the same self help books at the same time every day etc.

[btdt]

Thanks, Temperance, and all for sharing your own painful feelings on being in this purgatory. I'm sorry that my words resonate with so many.Btdt's description hit me:"Even when I do not want to be involved with drugs or any drug topic... my family the lady next door the kids I know... all drugged... all having problems... they come to my world when I am trying to hide and not see axes .. they come.  They talk they are saying do you see the axe in their own way ... and I say yes I see the axe I think I know how it got there and why... but I can't take the axe out I can't take their axes out and I can't take my axe out once done the damage is done..."This describes my life. I get up in the morning and first thing I hear is husband discussing drugs with other physicians and nurses by phone (consultant). Most are drugs for pain/neuro/ psych. We have 2 room house, so I can't escape. I know this is keeping the wound open for me. Triggers and landmines everywhere..

If you have to live there get some headphones at least so you can block it all out.

I have been thinking what I said about being dependent to you on another thread I don't know which one... I had a car accident last year and before that accident I was not as dependent as I am now... I think I would be well on my way by now it I did not have that set back... so maybe you will be better in time and it will keep getting better till your much better. 

I find it can go well for a while then slide back .....same old window and wave pattern... verified. 

I think we can all improve I hope it is true... maybe some of us are taking way longer than we hoped but we can't give up now turning the corner may be just ahead.

[Cryptopsy]

Listening to music should be able to take your mind off it. Try find a release for yourself so you don't have to be around when they are discussing this. I wish you the best of luck.

[MissSerene]

Two years ago, I left my company of 25 years. I've tapered off a benzo and am now weaning off AD after taking it for 18 years. Have also started Al-Anon and have done lots of reflection, grief processing, and partial healing of childhood trauma. Am starting to need a routine again, though, and recently applied for part-time work.

 

I'll have to show up somewhere several times a week but can still focus on healthy diet, exercise, 12-step meetings, chores, and sometimes weekday spiritual/religious services. I've also started spending more time with my elderly father-in-law, who lives alone. My husband and I are also thinking about getting a dog.

 

Wow, I underestimated how disconnected I'd feel after leaving colleagues and busy environment and finally addressing serious issues that sent me toward AD in first place. But in making schedule again, want to balance carefully, as I have a lousy track record of self-awareness and care and am very avoidant. Moderate w/d symptoms make some days much better than others.

 

Am trying to find a new way of living that will work. Feel uncertain about ability to cobble together elements of a satisfying, manageable life...don't want to turn back to the "autopilot" that had held me together since young adulthood. Sending wishes for a happier, healthier New Year to all here who are also finding their way with ordering their life.

[btdt]

I don't live alone but with an adult child I have worked around the house schedule for so long I am use to it.  I am thinking always that I am discontent here and need to move out and be on my own.. not that I have the money to I don't.  Every time I think of it I feel good for a bit but there is some lost something I can't quite get back i wish I could explain it better maybe motivation... something is missing from me. 

I don't care maybe... or don't feel there is any way to get beyond all that has happened and slip back into my own life... my own life does not exist so there is nothing to slip back into. I am not trying to be dramatic in any way here but I can see myself just giving it all up and slipping away to death as I doubt there is any life I could establish after all this that would be satisfying to me.  Please don't jump all over me for saying it out loud.  It is not depression or some hysteria it is just the truth. I am not looking for comforting or attention or therapy God forbid.  I just don't see much worth it as there have been so many life down grades there is not much left to truly enjoy... that is how I see it. 

[Ellen042]

Hi Barb. I've read half this thread, but not all of it. I think your openness and honesty about lack of purpose is resonating with many here. Sure is with me! I too mourn "all of the lost and wasted years with no end in sight." For me, the no end in sight is the real kicker.

 

It sounds too that your very personality isn't conducive to lack of schedule and purpose. Some people are simply more social and goal oriented than others, and it sounds like you are too. Many times I've thanked God that I was born an introvert- just so I could handle this isolation better.

 

I'm taking chance here that it's OK to voice this as well. I just want to be supportive in any way I can. There's one Biblical verse that encourages me, but may or may not encourage you. It's the well-known Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Whether you're a Christian or not, perhaps there's a very good reason for all you're going through and that your life isn't being wasted at all. Sometimes those reasons are just intangible. For one thing, you are NOT wasting time by pouring your heart into others, even on a website. You are compassionate, humble, and empathetic. Don't ever underestimate how valuable that is.

 

If you're like me, which I'm not saying you are, sometimes we can be our own worst enemies in determining the value of our lives. The ultimate example of course is with those who commit suicide, all the while thinking they're making the world a better place for doing so, when in fact they end up hurting people.

 

As for all the unscheduled time, what did you enjoy doing before you became disabled? If you can't do the same things now, perhaps you could do something related and ease the pain. I find that helping those worse off than I am is relieving. Granted, all I can really do for them is call or email to talk, but I know that it is appreciated, and that makes me feel fulfilled.

 

I know I haven't solved your dilemma, but please know that others are pulling for you. You are appreciated. Love, Ellen

[MissSerene]

If you're like me, which I'm not saying you are, sometimes we can be our own worst enemies in determining the value of our lives.

I know I haven't solved your dilemma, but please know that others are pulling for you. You are appreciated.

Ellen: A shoutout and thank you for this post. So true that we often don't realize our own value, especially when we're struggling or when our circle gets small due to illness and isolation. I have heard of chiari malformations, and I think you're incredibly brave for undergoing repeated skull surgeries. My beloved late husband lived with, for 36 years, and ultimately died of, a brainstem tumor he'd been diagnosed with at age 7, and along the way had multiple craniotomies. It was the toughest thing I've ever witnessed or been part of.

 

But his love, humor, will, generosity and zest -- even with very real frustration, loneliness, and limitations -- knocked me out...in a good way! Yes, how much we can bring to others even when living in such constraint. Your encouragement to Barb is helpful to me, too. Thinking of and routing for you.

[Ellen042]

Thank you, Miss Serene.  It's good to know I'm actually helping sometimes.  After some prior feedback, I didn't know whether it was even worth while to try to encourage others here anymore.  Your words mean a lot. 

[MissSerene]

Ellen, Please know you are helping...This means a lot. It can be hard even on boards as supportive as this one when we post something that either doesn't resonate with others or, more likely, isn't widely seen or responded to at the time we happen to post it. Especially when we're talking about matters so personal and central to us.

 

For me, I realize that in my pain, frustration, and questions, I'm looking for affirmation and am eager for a response, and to feel seen and heard. At times, the way I interact with others on boards and interpret what they say is a reflection of some of my difficulties (I am not saying this is true for you). The experience is a great exercise in self-awareness, patience, and gentleness. Thank you again, so much.

[MissSerene]

Forgot one point...I also want to feel like I'm helping or contributing to someone, esp. when I'm struggling or feeling ineffectual in other relationships or areas of life. Your input is valued.

[btdt]

Hi Barb. I've read half this thread, but not all of it. I think your openness and honesty about lack of purpose is resonating with many here. Sure is with me! I too mourn "all of the lost and wasted years with no end in sight." For me, the no end in sight is the real kicker.

 

It sounds too that your very personality isn't conducive to lack of schedule and purpose. Some people are simply more social and goal oriented than others, and it sounds like you are too. Many times I've thanked God that I was born an introvert- just so I could handle this isolation better.

 

I'm taking chance here that it's OK to voice this as well. I just want to be supportive in any way I can. There's one Biblical verse that encourages me, but may or may not encourage you. It's the well-known Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Whether you're a Christian or not, perhaps there's a very good reason for all you're going through and that your life isn't being wasted at all. Sometimes those reasons are just intangible. For one thing, you are NOT wasting time by pouring your heart into others, even on a website. You are compassionate, humble, and empathetic. Don't ever underestimate how valuable that is.

 

If you're like me, which I'm not saying you are, sometimes we can be our own worst enemies in determining the value of our lives. The ultimate example of course is with those who commit suicide, all the while thinking they're making the world a better place for doing so, when in fact they end up hurting people.

 

As for all the unscheduled time, what did you enjoy doing before you became disabled? If you can't do the same things now, perhaps you could do something related and ease the pain. I find that helping those worse off than I am is relieving. Granted, all I can really do for them is call or email to talk, but I know that it is appreciated, and that makes me feel fulfilled.

 

I know I haven't solved your dilemma, but please know that others are pulling for you. You are appreciated. Love, Ellen

A wonderful post a pleasure to read thank you.

[crashcourse]

On 6/12/2013 at 7:34 PM, Barbarannamated said:

If you knew how much I check into this site and Facebook... well, IMO, it's pathological. I go back and forth between the two and my 2 emails continually ALL DAY. I watch some videos and talk to someone by phone once or twice a week. I know some people spend a lot of time playing games online, but I just can't bring myself to accept that as a life. I already feel that I spend far too much time online.

 

It's dreadful being alone but I don't have the energy to be with people, either.

 

I'm in a really bad way right now.

 

Thats me in a nutshell. I haven't read the rest of the thread and have no idea if you eventually get better and how, but I do hope so. It will give me hope.

 

My problem seems to be twofold: 

 

1) I am focused on the past, and thus live in regret; regret of everything I have missed and messed up. I continually compare my life post-depression and pre, I compare myself to colleagues and friends, who in the past 10 years have raced ahead in their professional lives, and then I think of my attitude and how it has changed with my family. I haven't been a bad father, but my eldest kids know I was a super-dad to them, and not so great with the young ones. My professional life is up in smoke, non-existent. And I just cannot seem to break free of this.

 

2) Fear: And while I know the anti-dote is starting again, step by step facing my situation, and once again setting out with courage to regain whatever I can, I seem afraid of doing so. My mind comes up with justifications to delay doing what I should. But there is a fear of failure; a complete lack of evidence in my ability to face the stress, which will inevitably happen once I face the world in all its complexity.

 

So I live in limbo, socially excluded from the world and friends. I do meet up with my sisters every now and then, or a a friend once a month. But these events happen coincidentally and not due to my active interest in making it happen.

 

So YouTube and Twitter are my friends for now. What a terrible existence.

[KathyLoop]

Judging by the thousands of views this thread has gotten, it seems there are a lot people living without a schedule and lack of activities or purpose. That's me in a nutshell, as well. I've been on disability 13 years now... nothing to do, nowhere to go. And this depression just keeps me stuck in that. As much as I hate how I'm living, there's really nothing i want to do. So it all seems like make-work projects and chores. The chore of living. I enjoy almost nothing. 

 

I had hoped I'd feel better off the antidepressants. And maybe I will eventually... it has only been 3-1/2 months. But god, it's awful... just living day after day, without nothing to do but lay here feeling like crap. I don't even know where to start, to have a life. It seems unlikely, at 53. 

[inextinguishableconfidence]

read The Holy Bible