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MollyN


MollyN

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I have done a lot of changes during these last four years. Moved, quit job.

The moving was an excellent change, and I cant believe I really handled it.

Wd turned everything to the extreme for me. Like "I want to live now, before I die"...there for the move... I was also working just before and after the move, today I just cant believe it...

Quitting job was a trauma and still is. But I had a very stressful job in a bad work environment. I just couldnt do else. I thought I cared for my self, and I believe I did. But not working is no good either...just have yo wait wd out...and take mini steps towards something else.

 

Interesting subject. Wd can be so hard. And so long... And I have the deepest respect for those who are in bad wd, then remain status quo is probably the best. That can be very challenging as well.

 

It feels like i am hijacking your thread, Molly! :) Sorry for that! Your NA meeting was just awful! Wd is enough hard in it self. If you need to defend the existence of wd from ssri that could add stress, it does for me anyhow.

 

Take care!

Current dose: 0! Free!  Quit June 2017.

2017: Last dose zoloft: 17 June 0,00065 mg 18 May 0, 001 mg 14 May 0,002 mg 9 May 0,003 mg 28 April 0,006 mg 19 April 0,009 mg 8 April 0,013 mg 25 March 0,019 mg 22 March 0,039 mg 18 March 0,052 mg 16 March 0,079 mg 4 March 0,086 1 March 0,099 mg 22 February 0,11 mg 15 February 0,13 mg 6 February 0,145 mg 24 January 0,15 mg 19 January 0,19 mg 10 January 0,20 mg 3 January

2016: 0,98 to 0,22 mg; 2015: 2,35 to 1,01 mg; 2014: 4,9 to 2,5 mg; 2013: 9,1 to 5,1 mg; 2012: 15,7 to 9,7 mg; 2011: Started on 25 mg - then 50 mg- dropped to 25- to 12.5 mg - back to 25 mg - after 18.75 mg started tiny tapering to 16.6 mg

Started on 25 mg Zoloft in March 2011 due to stressrelated tinnitus that gave me panicattacks. Had a terrible reaction to Zoloft from start, but was told to "hold on". After four months I was stuck. Therefore the long taper. Crazy, I know... Super sensitive to drops and have dropped by 4-6 % from the previous dose.

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Hello Molly,

 

In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts:  Close Encounters with Addiction by Gabor Mate explains addiction beautifully.  Based on his work and research with street-drug addicts, it explains why people get addicted, what we need in our lives to break addiction, and how brains heal.  You'll see how it differs to a brain adapted to SSRIs. 

 

In an Unspoken Voice:  How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness by Peter A Levine is about healing. 

 

I read both these books at a time when I'd utterly lost faith in my ability to heal.  What I learned from them gave me hope again, and a solid understanding of how and why healing can happen.  The authors also have you-tube vids if that appeals more.

 

Thinking about what you've been writing lately - it's really common for people who are hurting to grasp out for a thing or a person to save them.  But healing can't come from one external thing.  It happens from within us, as we begin to weave more and more goodness and support into our life.  That's what gives us a solid ground to work from.  An single external thing can be unrealiable because we have no control over it, but a strongly woven life can't easily be pulled apart. 

 

I think of it like building a nest with straw and feathers and leaves.  Each new healing thing - even the littlest of things - that you bring back and weave into your nest becomes part of the whole.  My straw and feathers include:  yoga, eating whole foods, s/a, learning to ask friends for help, music at night, fish-oil and magnesium, hot baths with epsom salts, counseling, cultural body work, writing - and so on. 

 

Hugs,

Karen

2010  Fluoxetine 20mg.  2011  Escitalopram 20mg.  2013 Tapered badly and destabilised CNS.  Effexor 150mg. 

2015 Begin using info at SurvivingAntidepressants.  Cut 10% - bad w/d 2 months, held 1 month. 

Micro-tapering: four weekly 0.4% cuts, hold 4 weeks (struggling with symptoms).

8 month hold.

2017 Micro-tapering: four weekly 1% cuts, hold 4 weeks (symptoms almost non-existent).

2020 Still micro-tapering. Just over 2/3 of the way off effexor. Minimal symptoms, - and sleeping well.
Supplements: Fish oil, vitamin C, iron, oat-straw tea, nettle tea.

2023 Now on 7 micro-beads of Effexor. Minimal symptoms but much more time needed between drops.

 'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.'  Dr Gabor Mate.

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thank you so much Karen xxxxx you always have such beautiful suggestions for me and get to the heart of the matter! I'll read these book's you've suggested.

 

You're so right about reaching out for anything and everything. I become fractured and frantic. I've decided the most important thing I gained from the 3 day NA experiment was that it got me out of the house. I've become very isolated and at the very least it got me out and stretching myself to leave the house. Not sure if I'll try again, it's weird to not be accepted by a group of people who have themselves often done sometimes great harm to others, yet I don't judge them and celebrate their attempts to heal,  yet they are quite happy to judge me in their ignorance. Sigh. 

 

A couple of windows this week - I can see why we call them windows, for me it was like opening the window of a small cottage looking over a cottage garden in a verdant and peaceful land, letting the fresh warm spring air flow in (lol not like opening the windows in my real home - here it just lets in traffic noise and car pollution!)

 

xxx molly

 

Drug history

  • 20mg paxil in 2001 - 4 months use  
  • 20mg paxil in 2003 - 2 months use 
  • 20mg paxil in 2008 - 8 years continuous

Withdrawal history:

  • March 2014 - disastrous alternate day taper
  • Jan 2015 - 15mg to 10mg. Disaster
  • Sept 2015 -  10mg to 5mg. Disaster. Reinstated to 6mg. Relief
  • Oct 2015 - started slow 10% taper 
  • Oct 2016 - at 4mg- stop taking paxil (not recommended)

 

I'm not a medical professional. Seek advice from a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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Hi Molly ,

I'm sorry that you had a bad experience with that group . Are there any other NA groups near you ? Would it be worthwhile to find another with a better vibe ?  Your window sounds beautiful .   I get the impression that you would like to be living in that cottage with that garden and peaceful land , and fresh spring air. It does sound idyllic and paints such a pretty picture. Maybe, a goal for the future ?  Just a thought .

 

I love Karen's idea of building a " healing " nest , woven together  with all the particular ideas and tools for recovery that work for you, individually. I hope your window stays wide open, long enough that you can get a real sense of how the future will be , one you're through the abyss of withdrawal. There will be light , at the end of this.

 

Ali

Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014

 

                                                  Psych Drug - free since May 2014
.
         

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lol thanks AliG and lovely to have you post here since I feel I know you from having spent last night reading your journal xxxx you'll surely be one of the beautiful people that grow even more beautiful out the other end of struggling. 

 

I would love to live in that cottage - I think it was after visiting the south of England in my twenties, now I'm a sucker for rolling green hills, narrow lanes and cottage gardens... except for the murder... because as we know from watching Midsomer Murders that there'll be at least one a week.

 

 

I love the nest analogy as well, gorgeous! I just wish I wasn't quite so blimmin lazy and fractured in my thinking (this isn't just withdrawal although it has exacerbated things) always racing off to try the next thing.. twice...

 

I think I just jump at things for a quick emotional fix - so I'll feel absolutely desperate, so I'll give xx a try, ie NA meetings, then feel temporarily better, so I'll stop doing it. It's such a flaw in my thinking and behaviour.. if anyone was ever like this and overcame it in themselves, I'd love to know how you did it!!

 

Drug history

  • 20mg paxil in 2001 - 4 months use  
  • 20mg paxil in 2003 - 2 months use 
  • 20mg paxil in 2008 - 8 years continuous

Withdrawal history:

  • March 2014 - disastrous alternate day taper
  • Jan 2015 - 15mg to 10mg. Disaster
  • Sept 2015 -  10mg to 5mg. Disaster. Reinstated to 6mg. Relief
  • Oct 2015 - started slow 10% taper 
  • Oct 2016 - at 4mg- stop taking paxil (not recommended)

 

I'm not a medical professional. Seek advice from a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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oh and interestingly (?!) last night my mind wandered to and suddenly I found myself thinking, "you know, maybe I should just go back to 20mg paxil, enjoy the freedom from worry and pain and live happily ever after.."

 

crazy. craaaazy! what on God's Good Earth came over me?!!!!! There really isn't too much of a difference between the NAers and me!

 

Drug history

  • 20mg paxil in 2001 - 4 months use  
  • 20mg paxil in 2003 - 2 months use 
  • 20mg paxil in 2008 - 8 years continuous

Withdrawal history:

  • March 2014 - disastrous alternate day taper
  • Jan 2015 - 15mg to 10mg. Disaster
  • Sept 2015 -  10mg to 5mg. Disaster. Reinstated to 6mg. Relief
  • Oct 2015 - started slow 10% taper 
  • Oct 2016 - at 4mg- stop taking paxil (not recommended)

 

I'm not a medical professional. Seek advice from a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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Hi Molly--  your are so right MSM makes you think twice about living in an idyllic little village.  Monica (DW) and I have the entire series on DVD and are about three quarter of the way through it. 

20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Final Dose 0.016mg.     Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking

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Awesome! love that show - although we are on endless repeats now - not that it matters, I never remember who the murderer was since I'm normally asleep on the couch by the time the reveal happens. 

 

Drug history

  • 20mg paxil in 2001 - 4 months use  
  • 20mg paxil in 2003 - 2 months use 
  • 20mg paxil in 2008 - 8 years continuous

Withdrawal history:

  • March 2014 - disastrous alternate day taper
  • Jan 2015 - 15mg to 10mg. Disaster
  • Sept 2015 -  10mg to 5mg. Disaster. Reinstated to 6mg. Relief
  • Oct 2015 - started slow 10% taper 
  • Oct 2016 - at 4mg- stop taking paxil (not recommended)

 

I'm not a medical professional. Seek advice from a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

I get the impression that you would like to be living in that cottage with that garden and peaceful land , and fresh spring air. It does sound idyllic and paints such a pretty picture. Maybe, a goal for the future ?

 

Ha ha, when I first read this I read it as 'maybe a goat for the future' :P although it may not be so silly as it first sounds...

2010  Fluoxetine 20mg.  2011  Escitalopram 20mg.  2013 Tapered badly and destabilised CNS.  Effexor 150mg. 

2015 Begin using info at SurvivingAntidepressants.  Cut 10% - bad w/d 2 months, held 1 month. 

Micro-tapering: four weekly 0.4% cuts, hold 4 weeks (struggling with symptoms).

8 month hold.

2017 Micro-tapering: four weekly 1% cuts, hold 4 weeks (symptoms almost non-existent).

2020 Still micro-tapering. Just over 2/3 of the way off effexor. Minimal symptoms, - and sleeping well.
Supplements: Fish oil, vitamin C, iron, oat-straw tea, nettle tea.

2023 Now on 7 micro-beads of Effexor. Minimal symptoms but much more time needed between drops.

 'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.'  Dr Gabor Mate.

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ahhh my dream of life in the country with chickens/goats/veges and nuts... in the meantime: city city city!

 

Have found a website called brainHQ developed by Michael Merzenich neuroscientist with a focus on brain plasticity. You can do brain exercises - it actually hurts my poor brain to do them, like I'm trying to squeeze the last drops of sauce out of the bottle. The most disturbing thing is it compares your performance to others in your age group, gender, education level etc.. which is mortifying enough to make me want to practice! (happily it's all incognito) 

 

I also find it quite stressful, but I figure it's better than waffling round on the internetzky.

 

Drug history

  • 20mg paxil in 2001 - 4 months use  
  • 20mg paxil in 2003 - 2 months use 
  • 20mg paxil in 2008 - 8 years continuous

Withdrawal history:

  • March 2014 - disastrous alternate day taper
  • Jan 2015 - 15mg to 10mg. Disaster
  • Sept 2015 -  10mg to 5mg. Disaster. Reinstated to 6mg. Relief
  • Oct 2015 - started slow 10% taper 
  • Oct 2016 - at 4mg- stop taking paxil (not recommended)

 

I'm not a medical professional. Seek advice from a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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Oh geez one thing that has been illustrated doing these brain games is that my short term memory is shot. In fact almost non existant. I couldn't do the most basic simple memory tasks, and am embarrassingly on the 2nd percentile of the population (and I was trying my best!)  

 

I was aware that I had problems, especially obvious when I was working - I just drew a blank, almost like someone had pulled the shutters down on my memory and left me in a blank light grey room with no windows. At the time  I put it down to stress. But now I know the truth it's WD. Good grief, I hope this means I will improve again?

 

In the past I was no memory whiz, but I know for sure during my undergrad in chinese and classical chinese that I definitely had solid short term memory. The question now is will I be motivated enough to practice to improve?

 

Drug history

  • 20mg paxil in 2001 - 4 months use  
  • 20mg paxil in 2003 - 2 months use 
  • 20mg paxil in 2008 - 8 years continuous

Withdrawal history:

  • March 2014 - disastrous alternate day taper
  • Jan 2015 - 15mg to 10mg. Disaster
  • Sept 2015 -  10mg to 5mg. Disaster. Reinstated to 6mg. Relief
  • Oct 2015 - started slow 10% taper 
  • Oct 2016 - at 4mg- stop taking paxil (not recommended)

 

I'm not a medical professional. Seek advice from a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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Had to go back to gp to get a new script. All up liquid and script = $300 .sigh. He really is a darling person. I mentioned my extremely poor short term/any term memory and I must say he was concerned about that (not nearly as concerned as me!).

 

Before the appt I did some self talk a la JanCarol about not being unstable or overly emotional when I discussed my symptoms. I think I achieved this, although I had planned not to bring up my symptoms at all, but I do feel that as a practitioner the more he hears about people's experiences the more likely he is to use this for good when seeing other patients.  

 

However when I discussed the difficulty I had dropping from 10 - 5ml of paxil, he suggested that maybe 5ml is 'where I need to be and stay'. That same ol thinking "oh she has her 'real problems' resurfacing" now that the dose is lowered. Dude!! These are special new ones I've never ever suffered from in the past.

 

In other news, my sleep has been good :) 

 

Drug history

  • 20mg paxil in 2001 - 4 months use  
  • 20mg paxil in 2003 - 2 months use 
  • 20mg paxil in 2008 - 8 years continuous

Withdrawal history:

  • March 2014 - disastrous alternate day taper
  • Jan 2015 - 15mg to 10mg. Disaster
  • Sept 2015 -  10mg to 5mg. Disaster. Reinstated to 6mg. Relief
  • Oct 2015 - started slow 10% taper 
  • Oct 2016 - at 4mg- stop taking paxil (not recommended)

 

I'm not a medical professional. Seek advice from a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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  • Moderator Emeritus
special new ones

 

Love this, Molly.  Like a Christmas present you never wanted in the first place...

 

From what I've read on s/a memory issues do get better as you heal.  There's so much stress on our brains right now. 

 

I agree with you that it's good for doctors to hear what is happening to their patients.  I'm glad though that you got yourself in a good place to speak from first - taking care of yourself has to have priority.  Sounds like it went as well as could be expected.

 

And as always, continue on your tapering path holding what you know to be right as your main guide.  It is very possible to taper below 5ml, it just involves trying smaller drops and longer holds.  I guess you are familiar with the slow-taper threads?  And another one:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2878-micro-taper-instead-of-10-or-5-decreases/ 

 

Hugs,

Karen

2010  Fluoxetine 20mg.  2011  Escitalopram 20mg.  2013 Tapered badly and destabilised CNS.  Effexor 150mg. 

2015 Begin using info at SurvivingAntidepressants.  Cut 10% - bad w/d 2 months, held 1 month. 

Micro-tapering: four weekly 0.4% cuts, hold 4 weeks (struggling with symptoms).

8 month hold.

2017 Micro-tapering: four weekly 1% cuts, hold 4 weeks (symptoms almost non-existent).

2020 Still micro-tapering. Just over 2/3 of the way off effexor. Minimal symptoms, - and sleeping well.
Supplements: Fish oil, vitamin C, iron, oat-straw tea, nettle tea.

2023 Now on 7 micro-beads of Effexor. Minimal symptoms but much more time needed between drops.

 'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.'  Dr Gabor Mate.

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Thanks treasure xxx You're so right, need to re group after a trip to the gp or any clinician - consider the info/judgement they've made then assess that against my own knowledge and experience. No more blind acceptance. I know what's right for me, and it certainly isn't this pill!

 

Thanks as well for the slow taper links, I do need to be reminded ... certainly won't be dropping 5 to 4 ml. Here I'm struggling to find accomodation over xmas and new year for the family - I always leave these things til the last minute. So far Pakiri looks positive, also Matai Bay or Whatipu.. very basic camping - no hot water but still sounds gorgeous. Do you go away anywhere or do you just stick with your already heavenly spot?

 

Drug history

  • 20mg paxil in 2001 - 4 months use  
  • 20mg paxil in 2003 - 2 months use 
  • 20mg paxil in 2008 - 8 years continuous

Withdrawal history:

  • March 2014 - disastrous alternate day taper
  • Jan 2015 - 15mg to 10mg. Disaster
  • Sept 2015 -  10mg to 5mg. Disaster. Reinstated to 6mg. Relief
  • Oct 2015 - started slow 10% taper 
  • Oct 2016 - at 4mg- stop taking paxil (not recommended)

 

I'm not a medical professional. Seek advice from a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

We just stay here, since it's lovely and we are too busy and stressed and poor to go anywhere else anyway :P.  We swim lots, eat more fish and chips than usual... just like holiday styles.

 

I'm glad you can get away for a bit, soak up some nature... 

2010  Fluoxetine 20mg.  2011  Escitalopram 20mg.  2013 Tapered badly and destabilised CNS.  Effexor 150mg. 

2015 Begin using info at SurvivingAntidepressants.  Cut 10% - bad w/d 2 months, held 1 month. 

Micro-tapering: four weekly 0.4% cuts, hold 4 weeks (struggling with symptoms).

8 month hold.

2017 Micro-tapering: four weekly 1% cuts, hold 4 weeks (symptoms almost non-existent).

2020 Still micro-tapering. Just over 2/3 of the way off effexor. Minimal symptoms, - and sleeping well.
Supplements: Fish oil, vitamin C, iron, oat-straw tea, nettle tea.

2023 Now on 7 micro-beads of Effexor. Minimal symptoms but much more time needed between drops.

 'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.'  Dr Gabor Mate.

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Hehe every day's a holiday for you guys right?! :D

 

You're right about the cost - 7 nights in a campground  on our little patch of dirt, along with the other 1000 people (really) squished all in together in the baking sun will set up back $730. It will have to go on the credit card.

 

I was doing so well this year with money for the first time ever (well by my standards, not other folks!) I was saving toward things like car warrant of fitness etc etc, but the laptop died along with all the data, then the 10-5mg drop and attendant distress and well... I'm/we're back to square one financially, living week to week. Sigh. Unfortunately I'm the one who is responsible for the finances in our family - only since my husband is worse that me - so I really do need to pull myself together again on this. $$ is really an area I can't ignore for too long and I've been ignoring it again for a while now!

 

Well, I'm about to drop 10% from 5ml to 4.5ml... my first ever sensible SA drop. Fingers crossed xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Drug history

  • 20mg paxil in 2001 - 4 months use  
  • 20mg paxil in 2003 - 2 months use 
  • 20mg paxil in 2008 - 8 years continuous

Withdrawal history:

  • March 2014 - disastrous alternate day taper
  • Jan 2015 - 15mg to 10mg. Disaster
  • Sept 2015 -  10mg to 5mg. Disaster. Reinstated to 6mg. Relief
  • Oct 2015 - started slow 10% taper 
  • Oct 2016 - at 4mg- stop taking paxil (not recommended)

 

I'm not a medical professional. Seek advice from a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Well at least now you know you can do the money thing.  And it's perfect timing to be a new years resolution.  Why do I say that?  I hate new year's resolutions.  I've always refused ^_^

 

Is there a decent length of time between this next drop and your camp?  Just in case? 

 

And are you feeling quite stable?  Just checking in...

2010  Fluoxetine 20mg.  2011  Escitalopram 20mg.  2013 Tapered badly and destabilised CNS.  Effexor 150mg. 

2015 Begin using info at SurvivingAntidepressants.  Cut 10% - bad w/d 2 months, held 1 month. 

Micro-tapering: four weekly 0.4% cuts, hold 4 weeks (struggling with symptoms).

8 month hold.

2017 Micro-tapering: four weekly 1% cuts, hold 4 weeks (symptoms almost non-existent).

2020 Still micro-tapering. Just over 2/3 of the way off effexor. Minimal symptoms, - and sleeping well.
Supplements: Fish oil, vitamin C, iron, oat-straw tea, nettle tea.

2023 Now on 7 micro-beads of Effexor. Minimal symptoms but much more time needed between drops.

 'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.'  Dr Gabor Mate.

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I know... I know, I tried to work out when I dropped from 6 back to 5ml.. can't seem to find it, but I know it is 2 months since the updose to 6ml... I'm scared... I'm also running extremely low on liquid, as in one and a half doses left low... I sent the script off yesterday by mail (they need the hard copy) so now I'm a teeny tiny bit panicky.. I'll be the mad addict camping outside their door if I don't hear from them very soon.

 

Thanks for checking!!!! xxxxxxxxxxx

 

Actually, I think a drop from 5 to 4.5 is a bit much just now, so took the extra .3ml... so drop from 5ml to 4.8ml

 

(whew thanks KarenB and Fresh xxxxxxx)

 

Drug history

  • 20mg paxil in 2001 - 4 months use  
  • 20mg paxil in 2003 - 2 months use 
  • 20mg paxil in 2008 - 8 years continuous

Withdrawal history:

  • March 2014 - disastrous alternate day taper
  • Jan 2015 - 15mg to 10mg. Disaster
  • Sept 2015 -  10mg to 5mg. Disaster. Reinstated to 6mg. Relief
  • Oct 2015 - started slow 10% taper 
  • Oct 2016 - at 4mg- stop taking paxil (not recommended)

 

I'm not a medical professional. Seek advice from a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Well done Molly, now do you want to have some extra fun and update your signature? 

2010  Fluoxetine 20mg.  2011  Escitalopram 20mg.  2013 Tapered badly and destabilised CNS.  Effexor 150mg. 

2015 Begin using info at SurvivingAntidepressants.  Cut 10% - bad w/d 2 months, held 1 month. 

Micro-tapering: four weekly 0.4% cuts, hold 4 weeks (struggling with symptoms).

8 month hold.

2017 Micro-tapering: four weekly 1% cuts, hold 4 weeks (symptoms almost non-existent).

2020 Still micro-tapering. Just over 2/3 of the way off effexor. Minimal symptoms, - and sleeping well.
Supplements: Fish oil, vitamin C, iron, oat-straw tea, nettle tea.

2023 Now on 7 micro-beads of Effexor. Minimal symptoms but much more time needed between drops.

 'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.'  Dr Gabor Mate.

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.. the excitement never end :D

 

Drug history

  • 20mg paxil in 2001 - 4 months use  
  • 20mg paxil in 2003 - 2 months use 
  • 20mg paxil in 2008 - 8 years continuous

Withdrawal history:

  • March 2014 - disastrous alternate day taper
  • Jan 2015 - 15mg to 10mg. Disaster
  • Sept 2015 -  10mg to 5mg. Disaster. Reinstated to 6mg. Relief
  • Oct 2015 - started slow 10% taper 
  • Oct 2016 - at 4mg- stop taking paxil (not recommended)

 

I'm not a medical professional. Seek advice from a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hey Molly!

 

I wonder what the Up-i-podean people think of our beach Christmas's?  I remember trips to Florida at Christmas, and it was weird, but it was still winter (such as it was) not this "high summer" business!

 

An intimate camping group of thousands?  Ah, reminds me of my hippy days....daze.

 

You were talking about NA, and I answered a question from HopeforBetter just yesterday.  She asked me:  How have you changed?

 

OMG.  Well, here's how 12-step changed my life (and it has nothing to do with sitting around smoking coffee and drinking cigarettes with other recovering addicts):

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6786-hopeforbetter1110-hoping-for-a-second-chance-at-life-a-beautiful-rebirth/?view=findpost&p=197087

 

I think it's brave and awesome of you to leave the house, go in amongst strangers, and tackle an NA meeting.  Heck, if you can do that, I reckon you can do anything!  AND - it shows to go you that even the most dysfunctional folks need to protect their turf.  They've been told the same lies, only they depend on them more (because, without AD's they'd go back to, um, drugs that make them FEEL GOOD.  Hmmm.  Something twisted about that!).

 

There's a million different supports you could try.  There are churches - some are more open minded, less dogmatic, and tolerant than others.  I always enjoyed Quaker meetings (my nearest one is 45 minutes away and in the morning, but I do miss them).  Each meeting is different, but the ones I went to you sing a bit, then sit in silence for at least 20 minutes.  After the first 20 minutes, if Spirit moves someone, they may speak.  Spirit leads the service, anyone can speak.  Or maybe nobody will speak.  Sometimes it is quite lively and you feel it in the room.  You sit for an hour.  I found this much more refreshing than Zen sitting, where you have to sit the whole time in the "correct position" blah blah no giggling! - and it's nice - but - harder the older you get. (and proper Zen monks whack you with a stick if you aren't "mindful enough!")  Another option is Unity, which is kinda new agey but sweet.  Or Unitarian - they don't know what the heck they believe, but they're very welcoming and friendly.  (they are less common downunder).  There are always more traditional options, if you are so inclined.  I have a friend who found her blessing in the Episcopalian Daughters of The King - and she feels welcome in that church regardless of how well or unwell she is feeling. (that's kinda like Anglican).

 

Go through your paper.  Maybe it will be Morris dancing (too vigorous for me) or scrapbooking or quilting groups.  Feather your nest with pleasure - knitting in the pub, or coffee klatches, singing choirs, free (or cheap) local music, birdwatching, orchid fanciers.  Support is not always about withdrawal, and sometimes you find the gentlest support in the most amazing places.

 

When I try things, I always say "chronic fatigue" and "fibromyalgia" - mysterious illnesses that can manifest in many different ways - and people are very understanding.  It's easier - and if you make a friend, or get to know someone better, you may explain in more detail, and find you have sympathy - and it may even make them think, "you know, my sister was on those, and she hasn't been right since."

 

This advice comes to you directly from someone who went to 12 schools in 13 years because of moving and trouble.  I was always the "new kid on the block."  (and that novelty wears off quickly, too!)  

 

So kudos for being brave!  And challenge you to be brave again in another arena that's not so negative!  In yoga, we teach about "satsang," or "higher company."  In recovery it means to always find someone who is more well than yourself. 

 

There is a very dull bird in Indiana, called a starling.  It does have a glossy black iridescent coat, but it's a plain, common bird.  If left to its own devices, it will say, "SQUAWK awk awk" and you will think, "what a common bird." But once I lived in a town with a lot of songbirds, and the starlings learned their songs!  I was surrounded by the sweetest chirrups and tweets and warbles - starlings singing like canaries!  Methinks that your NA people were squawkers.  You need to find the chirpers!

 

AND - for those times when I don't feel like going out and meeting new people (this is a true confession, get ready for it) - I can always stay home and watch Xena Warrior Princess!  (sssshh!  don't tell anyone my guilty pleasure!)

 

I hope your windows are wide and cheerful.

 

ps - also congrats on straining the brain in the brainHQ games.  I reckon if my brain hurts that much, I should be paid for them!

"Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna

 

Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again.

 

My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices.

 

A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia.   CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013.   Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine).     Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 -  Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years  on Lithium).  Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made.


The tedious thread (my intro):  JanCarol ☼ Reboxetine first, then Lithium

The happy thread (my success story):  JanCarol - Undiagnosed  Off all bipolar drugs

My own blog:  https://shamanexplorations.com/shamans-blog/

 

 

I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016!

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Wow - Unity has a huge center in Auckland!  Looks like an active, vibrant community.  

 

I don't know if this is your cuppa tea, but - here it is:

http://www.unitynz.org/sunday-services-groups/

 

They have daily silent prayer, and a few extra things, like burning phoenix ceremonies (I don't know, maybe you will tell me what it is if you go?), and special Christmas candle thingies.

"Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna

 

Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again.

 

My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices.

 

A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia.   CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013.   Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine).     Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 -  Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years  on Lithium).  Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made.


The tedious thread (my intro):  JanCarol ☼ Reboxetine first, then Lithium

The happy thread (my success story):  JanCarol - Undiagnosed  Off all bipolar drugs

My own blog:  https://shamanexplorations.com/shamans-blog/

 

 

I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016!

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  • Moderator

The Burning Bowl Phoenix Ceremony is for releasing the negativity in ones life to make room for the positive growth.  The negative aspect is written on a paper and meditated on, the paper is then burned in a blessed fire to release the negative energy to dissipate in the universe. Thus ridding the person of that negativity.  I have found similar ceremonies to be very cathartic.

20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Final Dose 0.016mg.     Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking

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It was worth not logging in over the weekend to come back to these gorgeous posts. Really. So generous and helps me put to bed the NA experience. I wish you were here to chat to JanCarol, I would love to chew through the 'protect their patch' concept, since I think you got it exactly right.

 

I am a spiritual seeker (that sounds so flaky but probably entirely honest) in so far as, life has been difficult and living without family  I've wanted to find meaning and love from 'something/someone' greater than my next/last boyfriend... Also having grown up in an fundamentally atheist home, the idea that the one true goal of life was reproduction of the species was so unacceptable to me that I have searched for meaning. Like so many I suppose I just decided that if in the end we die and there is nothing, I haven't lost anything by hoping there was :)

 

I had many beautiful years in a baptist church, unfortunately when my relationship failed, the lovely folks there didn't really have the tools to deal with an abusive deceptive person like my ex, so I bowed out. It was very confusing for them that despite a  protection order they weren't helping when they set up little meetings for the two of us at his suggestion - to reconcile as husband and wife... oh I sound bitter! No really, they were just good people, they weren't used to dealing with sophisticated deceptors, and they wanted to badly to believe that God can heal a relationship. I've visited maybe 20 more churches yet they've always felt lacking compared to my beautiful home church, so I've never stayed. Need to pull myself together on this one!

 

Anyhow... enough navel gazing, today has enough of it's own problems :)

 

Sleep. Arrrghhhh... I think it's when I'm coming up to my period? For the week or so before, it seems I can't settle.

 

Another important thing I've learnt.... when R.A.G.E overtakes you (me!) there are somethings that work.... may I describe the scene...

 

The Rage Story

 

My own perfect storm. Friday evening, my husband's boss has decided that this year they won't invite pesky families to the annual christmas function and to head off angst on this, has whisked workers away to Waiheke Island... it's already 8pm and they left at 7am. I'm sure they are having a lovely time, but I am definitely not - feeling bitter at the tremendous amount of hours he is already out of the house and feeling lonely, angry, premenstrual and tired.

 

I decide to tidy upstairs to 'harness' the energy...  after half an hour or so, the littlest child calls out for me and I pop downstairs to find that by some truly EVIL means he has poo'ed and it's flown (WARNING TMI...) OVER the TOP of the nappy and like a lava flow cascaded down his legs to his feet and then he has walked.with.little.poo.dollops.and.footprints right through 4 rooms of carpeted living area.

 

I scream inwardly. I ache to scream outwardly, but this is so outrageous that I know I will frighten the poor child half to death so instead I  start the clean up of child - there was poo in his HAIR for pity's sake.  I have cleaned up many many many poo situations yet nothing like this. I take photos and send them to husband - in a 'hope you're having fun' type way. No response.

 

The rage is unspeakable.

 

I send child upstairs away from Faecal Abyss that is the downstairs of our home. By this stage I'm so full of the unfairness of my life I find relief the only way I know how.... google... "best songs when you hate everyone " This gets you an awesome play lists of in some cases truly memorable songs... such as Nightmare by Avenged Sevenfold (I won't link it since you'll only need it on very very special occasions)

 

For 2 hours I scrub the carpet on my hands and knees, screaming songs of hate playing next to me, like some demented Cinderella. I then collapse on the couch strangely still full of rage (mainly because husband is still not home and my life is so hideous) and find this little gem (it's got rude words - don't click the link unless you are really really angry, fed up and swearing makes you feel better - by the 20th play it's starting to make me feel sooo much better)

 

I then read cynical sarcastic and deliciously rude e-postcards online and a hilarious youtube clip about called 'Jennifer is a party pooper' and the rage slowly subsides. Husband returns at midnight, drunk. By this stage I'll laughing my head off at the e-cards (and ignore him).

 

So. That's how I (and everyone associated with me) survived The Great Rage of 2015. I know it doesn't reflect well on my character, and I know it wasn't a 'normal' response. But hells teeth, I'm just utterly relieved I made it though with sanity intact - honestly - it was touch and go! 

 

Then after a couple of hours fighting with husband (lol I hope you're not disappointed to read I didn't internalise all my distress) on Saturday morning we went on to have the most gorgeous weekend. 

 

Postscript: On that Friday I'd also picked up a new script of liquid paxil, since I was down to the last drops. Interestingly when I took the next dose of the new bottles, I was shocked to realise how aerated my last liquid doses had become. My guess now is that I had been seriously underdosing the paxil for the last 1-2 weeks....  ... and sure enough when I took a new dose within a couple of hours I felt far calmer that I had in the previous week.... ... Coincidence? I think not :)

 

Drug history

  • 20mg paxil in 2001 - 4 months use  
  • 20mg paxil in 2003 - 2 months use 
  • 20mg paxil in 2008 - 8 years continuous

Withdrawal history:

  • March 2014 - disastrous alternate day taper
  • Jan 2015 - 15mg to 10mg. Disaster
  • Sept 2015 -  10mg to 5mg. Disaster. Reinstated to 6mg. Relief
  • Oct 2015 - started slow 10% taper 
  • Oct 2016 - at 4mg- stop taking paxil (not recommended)

 

I'm not a medical professional. Seek advice from a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Oh my lordy, Molly!  I'm sitting here giggling and giggling.  You sure did have a 'crap' time :P.  I have to say - well done getting through all that, and you even vented a 'little' anger in the process...  I think there is a whole lot more strength in us than we ever would think.

2010  Fluoxetine 20mg.  2011  Escitalopram 20mg.  2013 Tapered badly and destabilised CNS.  Effexor 150mg. 

2015 Begin using info at SurvivingAntidepressants.  Cut 10% - bad w/d 2 months, held 1 month. 

Micro-tapering: four weekly 0.4% cuts, hold 4 weeks (struggling with symptoms).

8 month hold.

2017 Micro-tapering: four weekly 1% cuts, hold 4 weeks (symptoms almost non-existent).

2020 Still micro-tapering. Just over 2/3 of the way off effexor. Minimal symptoms, - and sleeping well.
Supplements: Fish oil, vitamin C, iron, oat-straw tea, nettle tea.

2023 Now on 7 micro-beads of Effexor. Minimal symptoms but much more time needed between drops.

 'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.'  Dr Gabor Mate.

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Hahaa it's true! I do feel oddly strengthened by having survived the madness. It felt like madness - like my head would spin right off my shoulders and explode into a million little pieces.  And yet it didn't. I'm finding that quite comforting somehow... like I passed a significant test.

 

Drug history

  • 20mg paxil in 2001 - 4 months use  
  • 20mg paxil in 2003 - 2 months use 
  • 20mg paxil in 2008 - 8 years continuous

Withdrawal history:

  • March 2014 - disastrous alternate day taper
  • Jan 2015 - 15mg to 10mg. Disaster
  • Sept 2015 -  10mg to 5mg. Disaster. Reinstated to 6mg. Relief
  • Oct 2015 - started slow 10% taper 
  • Oct 2016 - at 4mg- stop taking paxil (not recommended)

 

I'm not a medical professional. Seek advice from a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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Oh my goodness Molly. I remember having similar incidents with my son but nothing quite that good! Fortunately we don't have carpets. Congratulations on surviving that ordeal!

 

Also I'm curious what you mean when you say your last liquid doses were aerated?? How can you tell?

Trying to get off Paxil since 2007. Was tapering by 0.1 mg every 4-5 weeks. Had awful crash in November 2015 at .5 mg; updosed gradually to 2 mg. 

 

Doing better and tapering again, much slower this time.  2016: Dropped from 2 mg to 1.62 mg.  2017:  1.62 mg to 1.2 mg. 2018: 1.2 mg to .76 mg. 2019: .76 mg to .56 mg. 2020: .56 mg to .33 mg. 2021: .33 mg to .13 mg. 2022: .13 mg to .03 mg. 6/12/23 .002 mg. OFF PAXIL 9/4/23

 

Started Klonopin in November 2015 to deal with crash. 1/10/16 started milk titration taper from .5 mg. Finished taper 12/6/17. Still take Klonopin for agoraphobia 2 - 3 times a week. 

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Hi Rachelina, how you are honey? It was actually really obvious when I compared the two liquids, so the old one was a bit like a glass of milk you've blown a straw into - the bubbles weren't that big, but you could see tons of them - seemed to be more air that liquid - and the new liquid was thick and with very few visible bubbles. Not sure how I'll get round this one in future!

 

Drug history

  • 20mg paxil in 2001 - 4 months use  
  • 20mg paxil in 2003 - 2 months use 
  • 20mg paxil in 2008 - 8 years continuous

Withdrawal history:

  • March 2014 - disastrous alternate day taper
  • Jan 2015 - 15mg to 10mg. Disaster
  • Sept 2015 -  10mg to 5mg. Disaster. Reinstated to 6mg. Relief
  • Oct 2015 - started slow 10% taper 
  • Oct 2016 - at 4mg- stop taking paxil (not recommended)

 

I'm not a medical professional. Seek advice from a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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Hey MollyN - How are you doing after that last drop??

Started Citalopram in 2005 (aged 15) for apparent "OCD" - 60mg 

July 2015 attempted 2 x 10% + cuts 4 weeks apart. WD symptoms intense at times. Need to slow down.

 

November 2016 - Resumed taper. 1.25 - 1.5% decrease weekly approx.

44.5mg November 2016. Jan 2017 42.5 mg. March 2017 40 mg. June 2017 37mg. September 2018 22mg. Nov 2018 Holding at 22mg to stabilise from moderate wave. January 2020 - Holding, mostly feeling fine, but still having some waves at times. 

 

February 2020 - Resumed taper , 1.5% reduction weekly/every two weeks. 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Molly, you SURVIVED your crap day!  Good on ya!  I love your coping techniques, you demented Cinderella, you!

 

Some of us, on the drugs, could not feel RAGE.  

 

I remember a Romantic - was it Poe?  Wilde?  Crowley?  Who said that the best way to cure an addiction - to food, to sex, to drugs (antidepressants weren't invented then) - is to indulge in that thing completely until you have burned it out of your system.

 

If yours is rage, then rage on!  You had your own space in which to do it, and the energy to spare.  Besides - trying to contain that level of rage would kind of be like putting a band-aid over a volcano, eh?

 

Now that the rage is over - how do you feel?  Is there a cleansing, a healing, a clarity you didn't have before the rage?  Pay attention - this could be the good part.

"Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna

 

Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again.

 

My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices.

 

A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia.   CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013.   Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine).     Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 -  Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years  on Lithium).  Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made.


The tedious thread (my intro):  JanCarol ☼ Reboxetine first, then Lithium

The happy thread (my success story):  JanCarol - Undiagnosed  Off all bipolar drugs

My own blog:  https://shamanexplorations.com/shamans-blog/

 

 

I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016!

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Argggh just talking about rage makes me uncomfortable! I just went off to check if I have a narcissist personality disorder - whew looks like I don't!  

 

I can't say I have had any blinding revelations post rage - mostly just relief I survived and also compassion for those who might have not had the coping mechanisms I was lucky enough to have (like internet access!) and then caused a whole world of hurt that they now regret.

 

Drug history

  • 20mg paxil in 2001 - 4 months use  
  • 20mg paxil in 2003 - 2 months use 
  • 20mg paxil in 2008 - 8 years continuous

Withdrawal history:

  • March 2014 - disastrous alternate day taper
  • Jan 2015 - 15mg to 10mg. Disaster
  • Sept 2015 -  10mg to 5mg. Disaster. Reinstated to 6mg. Relief
  • Oct 2015 - started slow 10% taper 
  • Oct 2016 - at 4mg- stop taking paxil (not recommended)

 

I'm not a medical professional. Seek advice from a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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and from the archives of "must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love you knowing nothing" I've just noticed a very bizarre thing..

 

actually my husband noticed it.. suddenly he asked "I haven't scratched your spot in ages".. do not fear dear reader, this is G rated... I'd developed a stupid condition impressively named notalgia paresthetica, a sensory neuropathy where basically a spot usually in the middle of your back by your shoulder blade became intensely, crazy itchy and you'd scratch so hard and often that the skin would discolour and become rough.

 

Well. It's stopped. I haven't had it since... well since I dropped below 10ml of My False Friend Paxil!! It's a bit bizarre to think these are linked but blimmin heck I think they are!

 

Drug history

  • 20mg paxil in 2001 - 4 months use  
  • 20mg paxil in 2003 - 2 months use 
  • 20mg paxil in 2008 - 8 years continuous

Withdrawal history:

  • March 2014 - disastrous alternate day taper
  • Jan 2015 - 15mg to 10mg. Disaster
  • Sept 2015 -  10mg to 5mg. Disaster. Reinstated to 6mg. Relief
  • Oct 2015 - started slow 10% taper 
  • Oct 2016 - at 4mg- stop taking paxil (not recommended)

 

I'm not a medical professional. Seek advice from a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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  • 1 month later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

Hey Molly, just checking in... back from camping yet?  Hope you are well.

 

Karen

x

2010  Fluoxetine 20mg.  2011  Escitalopram 20mg.  2013 Tapered badly and destabilised CNS.  Effexor 150mg. 

2015 Begin using info at SurvivingAntidepressants.  Cut 10% - bad w/d 2 months, held 1 month. 

Micro-tapering: four weekly 0.4% cuts, hold 4 weeks (struggling with symptoms).

8 month hold.

2017 Micro-tapering: four weekly 1% cuts, hold 4 weeks (symptoms almost non-existent).

2020 Still micro-tapering. Just over 2/3 of the way off effexor. Minimal symptoms, - and sleeping well.
Supplements: Fish oil, vitamin C, iron, oat-straw tea, nettle tea.

2023 Now on 7 micro-beads of Effexor. Minimal symptoms but much more time needed between drops.

 'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.'  Dr Gabor Mate.

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  • 5 months later...

Thought id check up on the kiwis ...Molly any update?

Thought for the day: Lets stand up, and let’s speak out , together. G Olsen

We have until the 14th. Feb 2018. 

URGENT REQUEST Please consider submitting  for the petition on Prescribed Drug Dependence and Withdrawal currently awaiting its third consideration at the Scottish Parliament. You don't even have to be from Scotland. By clicking on the link below you can read some of the previous submissions but be warned many of them are quite harrowing.

http://www.parliament.scot/GettingInvolved/Petitions/PE01651   

Please tell them about your problems taking and withdrawing from antidepressants and/or benzos.

Send by email to petitions@parliament.scot and quote PE01651 in the subject heading. Keep to a maximum of 3 sides of A4 and you can't name for legal reasons any doctor you have consulted. Tell them if you wish to remain anonymous. We need the numbers to help convince the committee members we are not isolated cases. You have until mid February. Thank you

Recovering paxil addict

None of the published articles shed light on what ssri's ... actually do or what their hazards might be. Healy 2013. 

This is so true, with anything you get on these drugs, dependance, tapering, withdrawal symptoms, side effects, just silent. And if there is something mentioned then their is a serious disconnect between what is said and reality! 

  "Every time I read of a multi-person shooting, I always presume that person had just started a SSRI or had just stopped."  Dr Mosher. Me too! 

Over two decades later, the number of antidepressant prescriptions a year is slightly more than the number of people in the Western world. Most (nine out of 10) prescriptions are for patients who faced difficulties on stopping, equating to about a tenth of the population. These patients are often advised to continue treatment because their difficulties indicate they need ongoing treatment, just as a person with diabetes needs insulin. Healy 2015

I believe the ssri era will soon stand as one of the most shameful in the history of medicine. Healy 2015

Let people help people ... in a natural, kind, non-addictive (and non-big pharma) way. J Broadley 2017

 

 

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  • 7 months later...

My goodness, apparently time flies when you're having fun... but it's been Dec 15 since I last posted in this thread. Have been reading and keeping up to date with some people's journeys here and it's like seeing old dear friends.

 

I thought I'd update a little, since there has been quite a bit going on, not all good. As a family we've had more change and moved house again in 2016. We've moved every two years for the last 16 years, so I'm kind of used to it, but still, even I struggled this time. I'd resigned from my full time job at the beginning of 2016 - it became utterly undoable for me with our family size (5 children, now 15 and under) and zero family support, so that was a relief, but at the same time after so many years out of the workforce I did feel like a gigantic failure!

 

Some time around 3/4 of the way through 2016 I just got sick of taking my dose of paxil. (Warning: this next bit sounds a bit mad/is a bit mad to be honest). For quite a number of years I subscribed to a conservative Christian mother's magazine - most people that know me mock me mercilessly for my love of it, but I really just get so much out of it and admire the gentle spirit of the mothers they feature - mainly because I'm more raucous and garrulous.

 

Anyway, there was a short article where a woman had become addicted to a benzo and then she prayed fervently to God and break her addiction and after 20 years  just stopped and had no side effects etc and basically lived happily ever after... (see where this is going...!) Well, I thought, I'm going to give that a go as well.

 

Bearing in mind that every time I'd stopped in the past/inadvertently missed a dose, the first symptom started within 12 hours generally and was significant vertigo... and later the rages etc etc. This time, nothing.   Not a thing.  It was like jumping off and not landing. But as almost all of you here know it's rarely going to quite that easy!

 

To be honest I've been reluctant to post, because unlike my CTs in the past, this time I did know better, and I felt a bit embarrassed really that I'd been so foolish. So I wanted to wait and see how I would react. It's been 7 months, maybe longer, now so I can give a fuller report.

 

Things were trucking along quite nicely; in July 16 I got a part time job (16 hrs per week) working as a PA in a church. This helped to get me out of the house where I was struggling with feelings of a lack of motivation and direction - bored basically - I'm learning that when my mind isn't occupied it tends towards being self-destructive.

 

I worked there for 8 months, then despite being quite happy there, around  two months ago I saw a job advertised as a PA to a family law barrister and thought I'd apply. I'd studied law while having my family, but hadn't practised and really felt that my time had passed (I'm in my 40s). I applied and amazingly I was successful and not only that but he offered my a role as a junior barrister. I felt like all my christmas' had come at once. However the massive shift in work expectations both external and internal; the pressure regarding childcare and travel (it's an hour away from home) and the utter exhaustion and deeply uncomfortable position of being a newbie and getting so much wrong all.the.time has ramped my anxiety through the roof. In addition my poor memory is so bad and my brain so woolly, that I do often make mistakes and completely forget what on earth I'm doing. I feel like I'm trying to hide a disability from my employer.  

 

Today marks the end of my fourth week there and I feel like I've survived some naked Survivor challenge! The extraordinary thing for me is that anxiety was never really something I suffered from. In fact aside from one panic attack, I don't think I've ever had anxiety before - it took me quite a while to figure out what it was.

 

It's really not much fun at all. My heart beats like a crazy women, I am hyper viligant to any threat - for example I hear planes overhead and feel immediately threatened and in danger of my life. I watched a movie called Melancholia with Kirsten Dunst and was so traumatised at the nihilism portrayed that my husband rushed me to church the next morning just so I had some fragment of faith to cling to (my poor faith has gone the way of the dinosaurs in the last 6 mths!).

 

I struggle with the thoughts that fly repeatedly around my brain at night, but I try very hard and often succeed in calming myself. I also work hard at my anxiety by refusing to withdraw and flee from the discomfort/lack of control of my life presently. I drag myself out of bed into work each day and fight the urge hourly to run like the wind!

 

On the positive side, my husband and I's relationship is back to the honeymoon stage; home and particularly him feel like my safe, warm place like never before. Oh and we play tennis. We started playing again around 6mths ago (he's very good) and that is actually a very pleasant and glorious past time - although on Saturday he ripped his calf muscle so that's put us out for a bit.

 

I worry about my brain and find the fog and lack of memory power quite frightening - we have a 3mth period of employment where small employers can let you go without reason here in NZ, so I'm still in a probation period really. I read nz11 and chessiecat re. memory loss and regain, and hope for the best xxx I'd be very interested in any feedback re the anxiety.  ^_^

 

Drug history

  • 20mg paxil in 2001 - 4 months use  
  • 20mg paxil in 2003 - 2 months use 
  • 20mg paxil in 2008 - 8 years continuous

Withdrawal history:

  • March 2014 - disastrous alternate day taper
  • Jan 2015 - 15mg to 10mg. Disaster
  • Sept 2015 -  10mg to 5mg. Disaster. Reinstated to 6mg. Relief
  • Oct 2015 - started slow 10% taper 
  • Oct 2016 - at 4mg- stop taking paxil (not recommended)

 

I'm not a medical professional. Seek advice from a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Nice to hear from you Molly!  Such changes in your life, and it sounds like you are managing things even though some of it is hard.  Actually, my hat's off to anyone who has 5 children - you are amazing!  I only have two, and my eldest - who is nearly 15 - decided to go to school this year, so it's pretty quiet at home during the days now. 

 

I guess you are already linking the anxiety to the c/t?  That was my first thought anyway.  The best way I've found to deal with anxiety is Emotional Freedom Technique, plus a bit of yoga.  At the moment my favourite yoga pose is 'Salute to Inner Calm (otherwise known as Salute to the moon).  I do it each morning and it only takes a minute.  

 

Are you still in Auckland?   

 

Glad you posted (thanks NZ11) cause I often wonder how you're doing. 

Karen

x

2010  Fluoxetine 20mg.  2011  Escitalopram 20mg.  2013 Tapered badly and destabilised CNS.  Effexor 150mg. 

2015 Begin using info at SurvivingAntidepressants.  Cut 10% - bad w/d 2 months, held 1 month. 

Micro-tapering: four weekly 0.4% cuts, hold 4 weeks (struggling with symptoms).

8 month hold.

2017 Micro-tapering: four weekly 1% cuts, hold 4 weeks (symptoms almost non-existent).

2020 Still micro-tapering. Just over 2/3 of the way off effexor. Minimal symptoms, - and sleeping well.
Supplements: Fish oil, vitamin C, iron, oat-straw tea, nettle tea.

2023 Now on 7 micro-beads of Effexor. Minimal symptoms but much more time needed between drops.

 'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.'  Dr Gabor Mate.

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