MollyN

[SkyBlue]

Hi Molly,

 

So it sounds like it's going okay for you jumping off at 5mg?

 

The woman in the article was exceptionally lucky not to have catastrophic effects from jumping off a benzo and simply praying for the best. I'm concerned that people will read that article and think they can do the same, and that if they aren't successful, it's their faith that's at fault. Many of us are faithful people who are really struggling with withdrawal; the two aren't mutually exclusive (although it would be amazing if they were!!).

 

I hope this doesn't come across as criticism of you or your choices. 

 

You've been through a lot and have made a lot of changes! Keep it up and be gentle with yourself. : ) 

[MollyN]

Hi Karen I am still in Akld - haven't yet got my wish granted that would see me living the slow life in Gisborne!

 

Yes, I definitely agree the special new anxiety is ct related - what a special gift. Still, so far it's not getting worse, plus if I try and be more objective, starting a new pressured job was always going to feel damned uncomfortable. Now it's just more so. Wish I didn't jump, but there it is, and so far, I've been extremely fortunate.

 

Hi SkyBlue, yes I am certainly not recommending the 'wing and a prayer' technique to withdrawal. I'm far too long down the road of this journey to be so naive. Still I have no reason to doubt the lady's integrity and the mind is an intensely powerful place.  I mention the story because I'm trying to as honest as possible about my actions and reactions whilst working towards having this horrid medication a part of my very distant past. You're doing so well getting down so low - what a great effort!!

[MollyN]

I've been ruminating on various things to do with withdrawal so I thought I'd write some down.

 

Things I've been doing that are helping:

 

Breathing techniques - well mine is very simple and I know JanCarol recommends more sophisticated and likely more effective ones, but at least I remember this one: breathe in for 5 counts, hold for 5 counts, breathe out for 5 counts. 

 

Reading a book by Reid Wilson called "Stopping the Noise in Your Head - the new way to overcome anxiety and worry". I'm around about 1/3 of the way through and the concept I've found most helpful so far is the idea that worry is a signal to action - so on the face of it a good thing.

 

The author explains that the worrying thoughts we have are either a 'signal' to action, or simply 'noise'. It's when we get those two confused that anxiety can reign. She/he explains that you can test whether something is a signal or noise by deciding how you would act to problem solve the worry. If it's not realistically solvable, either because there is absolutely nothing reasonable you can do right now, or if there is nothing you can do at any time that will solve it, then it's simply noise and we can dismiss it.

 

I use this 'signal' v 'noise' test regularly when waiting to fall asleep at the moment - combined with a poster heres' (sorry was it brass?) hummingbird meditation, where they imagine sitting on a hillock and the mildly boring birds (symbolising our thoughts) fly around and we gently wave them off .. lol I can't really imagine a hummingbird, I don't think I've ever seen one IRL, so for me it's bumble bees.

 

I especially need to apply this test presently regarding my ct from 4.8ml paxil, it's been 8 months, but I'm nervous. I need to apply the test and recognise that the worry about that is noise at this stage, since I'm not going to reinstate just on the off chance that I might have w/d waiting for me!

 

Tennis! Love it - there are free courts a 5 min drive from our place, the surface is a bit average - so you get some weird bounces which adds to the excitement We also play 'beach tennis' (a made up game where you don't let the ball bounce between you, kind of like badminton, but with a tennis ball - its enormous fun and hard!). I've lost quite a bit of weight since starting my new job (I'm a happy eater - so under stress I lose) and that's been making the tennis even more enjoyable. We are into autumn soon, so may need to join a nearby club with indoor courts - definitely no interclub or proper matches for me though, I just love the freedom of playing with no expectations or pressure. If I'm good, then I'm just good for my own pleasure these days

 

Lots of things going on here still, we've had a very difficult 8 years with our seperated and blended family - I don't recommend any of it to anyone if you're looking for a simple life. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to be the adult in our household - I don't have a mum or dad to soften life's blows, otherwise I do wonder if I would have been more prone to collapsing in a heap before now - but when there is no one to catch you, well, it's just not really an option.

 

Things I still need to do:

• Buy some more magnesium, if only to curb my PMS - recently I read that there'd been a major study that found PMS was imaginary. I've never tracked my periods, but my husband can tell you precisely when it's about 4/5 days out, since I'm scratchy and easily upset.
• Buy some fish oil capsules. My memory, the dull 'milky bland colour' where my memory was is my most significant side effect and has been for at least a year. I did do brain exercises online for about 1 month - I need to apply myself to this. 
• If I don't get hired at the end of my 3 mth employment period, I need to quickly find something else to do, the boredom and lack of focus quickly leads to feelings of depression and listlessness for me. Just having tons of cleaning/housework/grocery shopping just won't cut it anymore.
• Remember not to eat sugar!!!! I'm not a purist (too lazy for that unfortunately) but damn, I notice it if I indulge - I just feel terrible - like I do just now after a horrid 'sugar bar' cleverly marketed as a 'protein bar' yuck.

In case you did read this long post, thanks for reading, I hope you're doing really well xxx molly

 

Oh one last thing, I wondered what you thought about it, my heart regularly pumps right out of my chest - it's very weird, you can feel it with your hand. I'm not worried about it, but it's quite noticeable and I do wonder about what's causing it. I guess it will just go away of it's own accord?

[MollyN]

Oh my! I think I just experienced the wonder that is fish oil. I've been eating very poorly since starting this new job. Despite being part time, I leave at 8AM and get home at 3PM and don't get a lunch break, so I'm just famished every day (clearly due to poor organisation on my behalf).

 

The last two nights, I've eaten salmon and tuna at about 9PM, oh my goodness, I felt like every nerve was soothed and lubricated. Like I'd just had an oil change. Can't believe it's taken me this long to get onto this (actually this is very like me), so I'm looking forward to my nightly fishy snacks for a good while to come... poor husband.

[scallywag]

Molly I saw your post on Karen's thread asking her what brand fish oil she buys.  One thing to keep in mind is that you want to get not just fish oil but good does of EPA (eicosapentaenoic acid) and/or DHA (docohexanoic acid).

From the Omega 3 topic here at SA:
 

...   Fish oil capsules contain the omega-3 fatty acids called EPA and DHA. For nervous system support, take 2,000-3,000 mg EPA + DHA a day. You may need to look at the label and add up the amounts of EPA + DHA in a capsule. Usually, this amounts to 4-6 capsules of fish oil per day.

Do not take fish oil that does not specify how much EPA and DHA is in each capsule -- it's probably weak.

To help fish oil to work, take it with 400IU vitamin E per day. This helps metabolize the fish oil. Good types of vitamin E to take are d-alpha-tocopherol and natural mixed tocopherols.

[SkyBlue]

Hi Molly! 

 

It sounds like overall things are going well, which is wonderful!  

I personally like long posts, because it really gives a window into how people are doing. 

 

Some thoughts in no particular order: 

1. Definitely magnesium! I'm obsessed with magnesium. When you get a good form and dose that works for you, it's amazing.

 

2. I'm going to check out Stopping the Noise -- thanks for the recommendation.

 

3. I think it's actually good that you're not a "purist" avoiding all sugar 100% of the time. In eating disorder treatment, one of the things we work on is the 80/20 rule. If we eat well, eat enough, a variety of foods, lots of fruits/vegetables, we can have some flexibility with the other 20%. If people strive for 100%, it can lead to all kinds of food rules, food fears, extreme behaviors. It can be hard to make that leap into allowing certain foods, but for me personally it has made such a difference. 

 

Happy autumn! (Here it's happy spring!) <3 

[Gridley]

I've been taking the OmegaBrite brand of fish oil for years and have done well with it.

[MollyN]

Thanks so much for the information regarding the fish oil scallyway and Grindley! - love the collected wisdom available here xxx

 

Hi skyblue! the 80/20 rule re food sounds like my type of guideline - I'm hopeless at absolutes anyway so but I'm big on constant guilt and 'should of/would of/could of' so that's really helpful thanks Oh I neeeeed the magnesium.. I need to get over looking for this particular brand I'm searching for and just buy some already

 

We went for a mini-break to Rotorua on the weekend, it was so beautiful - I'd forgotten, like a magic lunar landscape in parts and the restaurants/cafes/bars were great. We even found a local school with a tennis court and had a hit  The thermal hot pools are so rejuvenating and the sulphur smell is intoxicating - I love it!

 

The only minus was the sleep - arghhhhh - all four of us (only eldest and youngest child with us) in a little hotel room and son was coughing and snoring. I have one night of insomnia just ahead of my period and it coincided with that night - sheesh. It was a little unnerving, I was delicioulsy tired - pools/sauna/tennis/dinner/tv - the absolute second my eyes closed I got hit by anxiety "I'm up on the 4th storey in the hotel - there could be an earthquake... blah blah blah - stupidness". It was very bizarre and distressing. Hours later I was still awake - aware of this thanks to the enormous alarm clock right next to my head.  

 

So felt decidedly average all day - but saved by joy of being away from home with fresh things to discover and experience - enjoyed a little paddle boat trip on the lake - even the teenager enjoyed it (begrudgingly admitted) and a lovely wander around Paradise Valley 'zoo'. 

 

Can't wait to get away again. Although maybe a little better organised next time so all the kids don't come home as we walk in the door, with no food in the house and washing not done - was a bit stressful. Hope you all have a lovely day xxx

[MollyN]

Feeling very sorry for myself today - had a pretty horrible time with my new boss today - where he told me I was too slow, too lowly skilled, too unmotivated and generally useless. In response I tried to defend myself and started crying and continued to cry on and off throughout the painful loooong hour. 

 

I'm a bit traumatised really. He got very upset that I was taking home work home and doing it in the evening to keep up. I do that because I'm still learning and I'm slow. But he's banned that. Additionally, apparently other people in chambers reported I 'looked stressed'  - yikes! Yes, I am stressed, it's new and a struggle, but I'm never blunt or short in any way with other people. I don't really understand. Everyone else there has been in the job for 15 years plus.

 

So here's a good test of my mental health!! My husband says '**** it - resign!'  - I'm certainly not doing it for the money - I think we loose more than I make with me being out of the house. But I don't want to give up - knowing it's my last chance in the law really.

 

I suppose it's hard to know if you really are useless or whether the person has unrealistic expectations. It was quite a bizarre conversation - danggit I wish I hadn't cried (esp with no tissues!!!!!). I feel pleased that despite sobbing my heart out in the bathroom, I did come back in and work for another 2 hours rather than running for the hills

 

Also had strep throat last week and didn't take a day off despite feeling dire. Sigh. Although it appears my being at work doesn't achieve much either. 

 

Feeling confused and saddened. 

 

xx love to you all and hope you're doing well xx molly

 

In other news, 

[nz11]

Everyone takes time to get up to speed in a new job. Im sure their expectations are unrealistic.

Try not to let it bother you.

I do side with your husband in that life is too short to be working in such an unsupportive work environment.

It does not sound like a friendly encouraging place to work to me. I think profit driven places are like this.

If you are not doing it for the money im sure there are other places that would love to have you. Which is more than one can say for the rest of them who have been doing the same job for 15 years cos no-one would take them anywhere else!

 

Good luck with your decision.

[MollyN]

You're a treasure - thanks for supporting this lame duck!

 

Maybe he's trying to force me out? God knows :'(

[SkyBlue]

Molly, hugs to you. <3 I agree w/nz11; you deserve to be happy. 

[MollyN]

Thanks Skyblue honey! Yes, happiness is a wonderful goal - I'll see what today brings in the office - thinking back over little comments he and others have made, I'm wondering if he's gone through quite a string of assistants.

 

It does seem though, that most people have been through a period with a difficult boss when they are beginning their careers and generally treated badly. So I wonder if I just need to toughen up - although lol I don't suppose I'll get the chance if I get fired first!

[SkyBlue]

<3 How is it going, Molly? Thinking of you…. Hugs! 

[MollyN]

thanks Skyblue! How are you going this week? xxx

 

Interesting times here, job as mentioned is a such a drain - today marks the end of my second month on the job. Additionally it's been school holidays for the last two weeks so the logistics with all the kids has been a struggle, somedays by the time I've organised 5 people before 8am, I feel like I've done a days work and ought really to have a nice rest!

 

In addition to the work challenge, at home things are very tough, very nearly split from my husband two nights ago - the challenges of raising a very difficult stepchild is too much for him. It would be the saddest thing if we had to separate since as a couple we are brilliant and he is a wonderful husband. But as a mother I need to protect my children - even the one that is being horrendous So hard. 

 

So there I was contemplating single parenthood, poverty due to living in one of the most expensive cities in the world and a ton of sadness and I wondered how I would cope, admittedly, it was considering it all from my cosy home, not in a dismal flat, with only packet noodles in the cupboard. This story is ongoing, so it doesn't have a comfy ending of living happily ever after. Mainly, I would feel I had won if I didn't ever fall back on ADs when the going got really tough - but I could never know for sure I wouldn't until I made it through the other side of the struggle and hardship AD drug free.

 

Work - 2/10

Homelife - 5/10

Physical health - 9/10

Mental health - 9/10

 

Stepping forward

[AliG]

Molly. Whilst you have had challenging times - physical and mental health 9 / 10 is rather great ! You seem to be on the upward trajectory and even though it seems to be three steps forward and two back , the overall gain seems to be very positive. 

 

Have you read :" Anatomy of an Epidemic " ?  Robert Whittaker makes it very clear as to the long term outcome of psych drugs.

[MollyN]

Thanks Alig! Yes, these days I'd take plain and simple ol feeling low, over any drug induced faked contentment. Stupid drugs. I thank my lucky stars daily that they are part of my history and not my future.

 

Crept through another day at work - I see my boss has diarised another 'catch up' ugghhhhh.. enough to make a person come out in hives!

 

One thing about my new little friend anxiety, is I have to be careful about listening to the news - esp US/North Korea/China relations. I find it easy to find my brain catastrophising and imagining nuclear war and how fearful that would be. So I'm very careful about the news I listen to, and also don't watch news, so at the least I don't have the images to go with it.

 

I've also entirely forgone FB now, that was driving me a bit crazy all by itself. I know their algorithms are set to show you stuff that will illicit a response, but for me that wasn't cute cat videos, but from my time in the human rights sector, I'd get an endless stream of violations and horrid suffering - with a measure of self help quotes thrown in for good measure. In the space of 10 mins, I'd be worrying about climate change and deforestation and loss of habitat (see starving polar bear mama), indigenous people now homeless due to corporate greed and land grabs. The terrible plights of refugees/LGBTI community members/slaves/Rohingya people/Dalit people... Too much suffering too many calls to action left me feeling overwhelmed and powerless. So I turned it off. Yes I don't get to see what my dear cousin in the UK had for dinner, and I'll miss seeing latest pics of baby Susie's latest smile, but for me at least, it's a very small price to pay for regaining control over the things I have capacity to care for and do something about.

 

Haha sorry for the rant  

[MollyN]

LOL you know you've got something going on mentally when the minute the lights go out the first thought that springs to mind is that the earth is going to fall down  into outer space!! Good grief!! Honestly, it almost made me laugh and here I am self-talking that there probably isn't any gravity in space, so the earth can't really 'fall' per se... sigh.

 

Still counting down the days til the end of my trial at work, was scheduled to have a 'catch up' today which I felt was highly likely to the be the 'thanks but no thanks' talk, but instead, just a normal convo about my mistakes in the week past. So the sword is still poised and I'm just turning up each day and hoping not to do draw attention to myself

 

Youngest child started school today, feels like the end of an era for me as a mum. He's not at the same school as the previous 4 which is a little sad, but only for me I think.

 

Fighting the urge not to indulge in sugary treat this afternoon - had salty chips instead - not sure if that's much progress  

[MollyN]

Today (ish) marks 9 months since I stopped stupid paxil. I'm still watching myself closely, but so far so good. 

 

And I'm definitely being tested!!! Work is still horrid, I make constant mistakes and they are constantly pointed out to me. I have to self talk constantly to cope with the battering this is doing to my self-esteem and to control my stress response. I have no doubt that being micromanaged is making me make more mistakes as I second guess myself constantly. I feel like such a dork.

 

Yet, somehow I am managing, at least to turn up each day, to walk in the door and face the barrage. To face the utterly uncomfortable feelings, to cope with people thinking I'm doing poorly and manage how I respond to this. I've got to the stage (at least most days) where I am able to say to myself by the end of it "F*** it, I'm doing my best. People make mistakes, and I'm 'people'. 

 

However, I do realise that there may be a time where either he lets me go, or I can't handle it anymore, but for now at least, it's a great exercise of my coping mechanisms sans le paxil!

 

Fish oil is definitely still helping. I still catch myself worrying about the world ending, but give myself a stern reminder not to be a twit, roll over and go to sleep.

 

LOL today on the way to work, there was an announcement (on the radio) of an interview coming up entitled "what would happen to earth if the moon exploded" DUDE!!! Do they not think about the folks with anxiety when they produce these things?! lol.. <note to self, don't listen to the interview, don't worry about the moon exploding or the black hole apparently in the middle of the galaxy> 

[SkyBlue]

Hello Molly Dear! I've been all over the place this week and have been meaning to respond to your thread. 

 

Glad fish oil is working. Do you take capsules? I take the actual oil, Nordic Naturals, mixed into water. Someone said there are cheaper options to look into which I might do.

 

Love reading your posts, even if it takes me till the end of the week to respond. Your sunshiney-attitude shines through clearly! 

 

We are so the same!!! The moon exploding! ! ! ! ! ! ! omg  I totally hear you. 

I think you wrote earlier about not being on Facebook which I found has been VERY healing for me. I'll still go in once in a while to say hi to people but overall it's been an excellent choice. 

[MollyN]

You are a brave and mighty woman - fish oil without the capsule!! I am in awe

 

I take the same brand 'ultimate omega - 1280mg omega-3' in a nice little capsule - mainly because I'm wimpy re the fishy/water mixture lol

 

Not feeling the love today though - my 16 yr old daughter is skipping school - we dropped her off this morning with a cheery goodbye and did wonder that she appeared to be going the opposite direction... sure enough - absent from school, and last week as well. I think it's the lying that does my head in!!

 

Positives this weekend past - an extraordinary bush walk to a magical waterfall squeezing through massive fallen boulders - a secret grotto and all.

 

More challenging - basically everything to do with the children - even on the gorgeous walk Mr 13 managed to moan constantly about not hanging with his friends, and the middle girls griped at each other the entire weekend including on the blissful walk. Considering how much they profess to dislike each other, they love to spend every moment trying to be together and getting on each other's last nerve! 

 

So in nice round figures:

Parenting/home life = 4/10 !

Physical health (played tennis twice this weekend and I'm actually improving!) = 7/10 (lots of shoulder pain from work)

Mental health = 7/10 blah blah - too tired andworld-weary for a high score

 

LOL not very cheerful sorry, and I'm sitting here NOT doing the housework/cooking/washing every other thing I should be doing <SIGH>

 

Hope you're all doing beautifully xxxxmollyn

[brassmonkey]

"So in nice round figures:

Parenting/home life = 4/10 !

Physical health (played tennis twice this weekend and I'm actually improving!) = 7/10 (lots of shoulder pain from work)

Mental health = 7/10 blah blah - too tired andworld-weary for a high score  :D"

 

This all sounds pretty darn normal to me.  I glad you had such a wonderful weekend with the waterfall, and hope things keep improving on all fronts.

 

((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

[SkyBlue]

Hi Molly!

 

Haha, thanks, but that particular fish oil doesn't taste like fish; it's just oily. 

 

That's great that you're getting out there and playing tennis! The secret grotto sounds incredible. 

 

<3 

[KarenB]

Hi Molly, just reading through to catch up.  You sure do have a lot on your plate!  I really admire you being able to stay in that job - I'd have been in tears too.  What really gets me is how bosses seem to equate paying people to being able to treat them like crap.  Whereas you're actually swapping 'equal' values of work and money.  So why does either side get the upper hand?  Very unethical. 

 

That will be so different with your youngest off at school.  After reading your last few posts, I"m left with the impression you're really a very strong woman, who is managing to keep a lot of balls in the air.  So, don't feel bad if after some time you choose to let one of those balls drop. 

 

Hugs to you,

Karen

[LostInTheWoods]

+1 to avoiding news or gossip during the darker days, too much anxiety food ready to pop out. A book does wonders during those times, especially a paper one because on a tablet the browser button is way too nearby.

 

Lots of kids and a full work with ungrateful boss while enduring an AD withdrawal... it takes a lot of will and mental fortitude to stand up to all of this instead of saying I'm done and throwing it all over the window. Congrats for keeping up with life in such a test, I'm sure that, even if not now or soon, your kids are going to see this and comprehend it in its full significance.

[MollyN]

Oh my yes LitW, I've just started to read again - just finished The Good Terrorist by Doris Lessing - I love it/hated it - brilliant - I wanted to throttle the main character and found the ending so frustrating... however all this isn't to say I didn't enjoy it - I loved it!! I couldn't stop thinking about the characters, so multi-dimensional.

 

This is how goodreads.com described the plot - The Good Terrorist follows Alice Mellings, a woman who transforms her home into a headquarters for a group of radicals who plan to join the IRA. As Alice struggles to bridge her ideology and her bourgeois upbringing, her companions encounter unexpected challenges in their quest to incite social change against complacency and capitalism. With a nuanced sense of the intersections between the personal and the political, Nobel laureate Doris Lessing creates in The Good Terrorist a compelling portrait of domesticity and rebellion.(less)

 

Please feel free to post any excellent books you've been reading - I'm just remembering how much I love to read!

[KarenB]

The colour of milk by Nell Leyshon - a very rare voice, although the end is heartbreaking. 

[MollyN]

Thanks Karen - I'll see if I can find that one - although can I bear a heart wrenching ending?! Oh and after searching all over Akld for the magnesium I wanted, Raglan herbal dispensary really came through for me - YAY Raglan!!

 

Oh and I have something for you - was listening to these guys Loren and Mark play the most outstanding guitar music on radio nz and they are doing a gig in Te Pahu Sound Lounge on 16 May! They are crazy talented!

 

In other news here, it's been interesting since my husband has given up alcohol - it's about day 6 - and he is suffering. He started drinking when he was 14 (now 50) and would drink 3-4 drinks min every night - more on the weekends. It's really interesting to watch him detox out of it, his personality has changed (not for the better), he's exhausted, cranky, feeling down. It's quite fascinating to witness someone (other than myself) at close hand withdraw from something, and I'm trying to be as understanding as possible since he had a to put up with heaps while I would do my precipitous paxil drops - but I must say he's not very pleasant. I wonder how long it will last? Anyone had any experience with this?

 

Lots of love xxxmollyn

[SkyBlue]

Hello Molly… No experience personally but good for him--sounds difficult for you, though. I know there are in-person groups that deal with this kind of thing. It sounds like a lot for you to deal with too! As far as how long it lasts, we know that pretty much no withdrawal out there,  lasts as long as SSRI withdrawal.  I don't want to promise anything, but I would imagine it wouldn't be very long. <3 <3 

[KarenB]

Thanks for the te pahu thought Molly.  Sounds amazing, but we probably won't go since we don't go anywhere lately!  Bloody w/d! 

 

Hope you are managing okay with hubby and his changes.  My hubby is really struggling with ad w/d right now, so I feel for you - it really isn't easy when your other half needs back up instead of them being back up for you!  Go gently with each other. 

[MollyN]

lol I don't go out to gigs either - but I like to think I would

 

Oh man work is really ripping me a new one, I feel so diminished. I'm quite gregarious by nature, but in this working environment, I've become increasingly anxious and constantly fearful of making mistakes  - and I do. Even when I don't make a mistake, he thinks I have - sheesh.

 

Anyway, the appraisal is this Friday. Sadly (kind of) I'm 100% certain he's not going to take me on past the trial period. I feel partly relieved, but also saddened since I've learnt so much and it was such a steep learning curve for me. I've never been 'let go' before, it feels bad.

 

But the stress is telling on me, I've started waking in the night and worrying about it. I woke the other night and felt like I was in a crazy wave like in the worst of w/d!! I fell back asleep and woke to feel completely normal - which was an enormous relief but also a little concerning. I've lost tons of weight, simply because I don't eat and I feel like I can't cope with the all the demands on me from the children as well as the job. 

 

I'm not certain what happens after he tells me. In the contract it says either of us can give 2 weeks notice in this 3 month period, so I guess he fires me (!) then I just have to suck it up and turn up for another 2 weeks til the contract ends? Sigh, oh good grief that will be mortifying.

 

My husband is delighted, which is something I suppose.

 

Thanks for sharing this with me xxxx

[KarenB]

Ah Molly, that's pretty hard stuff.  Can you take 10 minutes to imagine that your boss has NO say at all over whether you can continue to work there or not? 

 

Then, when you have set it up in your head that the decision of on-going work there is entirely YOURS, think through what decision you'd actually want to make. Take into account all that stuff you mention above - the time issues, the stress, the mind-health impacts on your wider life, your family, your well-being. 

 

Does this job GIVE anything to YOU that makes it worthwhile? 

 

What decision do YOU make?  You may not need to be 'let go' by your 'boss'.  You may decide that what the job offers is nowhere near what you deserve.  You might in fact need to let your boss go.  And at the meeting, perhaps you can be the one calling the shots, and informing him why his workplace was not up to your standards.  If you decide to go, at least do some things that will build you up on your way out. 

 

I saw this cup in a shop yesterday, and it said "Nothing scares me; I'm a mother!"  Which resonated....

[MollyN]

Oh Karen, your words where 100% 'a word in time' ... I just got back from work and sure enough he told me I wasn't going to be hired. 

 

I feel a mixture of relief, sadness, a bit of embarrassment and also some pause at the unfairness of it.

 

Mostly though I feel immensely proud of myself. The last 2.5 months I have worked so hard to get up to speed, from a standing start. I had no idea how to do the job when I started and just in the last week or so, it's finally fallen into place. I feel a bit annoyed that I was given the full time equivalent of 6 weeks to be excellent at a job he knew I was a beginner at, but... it's not my choice and I gave it my all.

 

I'm also incredibly proud of the way I handled the meeting, I was friendly and calm, reassuring and warm. I haven't burnt any bridges and I'm can see the immense amount learnt in the short time I've been there. 

 

And Karen, you are right on honey. I'm really relieved I'm not hired in many ways. It's difficult to work for someone who is so emotionally labile. I am freee!!!!

 

My husband is delighted, my kids are kind and proud of my efforts and (as long as I don't stuff up the last week) I will leave with my dignity in tact - hooray!!

 

The question of what's up next will have to wait til tomorrow, tonight I'm just tired out. 

 

Thanks for reading and thank you so much Karen for being there when I came in to post - your message was perfect xxxx

[SkyBlue]

Dear Molly, 

 

I love this: " I am freee!!!!" You definitely are. I love what Karen wrote above that post, too. You deserve to be happy and not work for someone who is so emotionally labile, as you said. For now, take a breather and take care of yourself. <3 Hugs, sweetie.

[MollyN]

thanks Skyblue honey xxx you're so encouraging!!

 

I cannot tell you how much I don't want to go to work this week!!!! !! 

[LostInTheWoods]

I don't know about your financial issues, but if your husband can have the luxury of being delighted at the notion of you not getting that job, either that job was so terrible its effects on you were notorius to him or maybe you both can afford you staying at home attending the kids, since that's a full job on iself.

 

Congratulations of coasting it successfully, looks like it all happened for the best.