hacilar: benzo withdrawal syndrome

[hacilar]

Hi new here

 

Got tired of the BenzoBuddy board, just felt like I didn't belong there...trying this-I'm a MadinAmerica fan, and have read about this forum there.

 

Today is the beginning of month 6 off 0.5mg of Kloncide which I took for 10 years about...I did experience K withdrawal when I was given it while insitutionalized in 2001-I went to jail for 4 months for trying to get away from my estranged abusive husband...I took the kids, who were my life, and fled to Canada believing that there was sactuary there.  My mistake.  I might also mention I was taking Paxil during that time; looking back I wonder if this played any part in my decision making.  My ex was able to take the kids, the house(s) the business, EVERYthing after I served him divorce papers after years of psychological and, ultimately, physical abuse by using the Domestic Violence Prevention Act.  He had a good liar (lawyer) and I had zilch.  I was working as an RN at the time, and the sheriff came and served me with the papers initiating the above while at work.

 

He hadn't had a job in 30 years; we survived on a small nursery business and he grew a small amount of marijuana for sale...we lived as a family of 5 on about 500 dollars a month.  He is an alcoholic...I don't know what I was thinking except he was charming and very intelligent.  He was pals with all the liars in town and the judge-our land partner was the head of legal aid in our county.  I had no money for a lawyer, and LA wouldn't help because the considered it a conflict of interest.

 

Anyhoo...my now young adult children are loyal to him...they think I'm a whiner, and now that I'm having this withdrawal experience, they can't/aren't able to understand my position.  I have pressured them for support, and they just can't do it.

 

I am alone in this...I eventually went on SSI due to encounters with the mental death system-I'm bipolar, they said, and will have to take meds for life.  I've taken so many meds that the last 15 years are a blur...my first AD was prescribed when I became suicidal after the birth of my youngest son.  It's been a wild ride since then.

 

I have a handful of friends who love me and support me as best they can.  I had to quit my part-time job due to the benzo rage, the d/p and d/r the agoraphobia.  I sometimes have difficulty paying for food at the end of the month.  I got frustrated on the BB site due to all the suggestions for suppements and DVDs and youtubes and therapy, right...every-freeking-thing costs money.

 

I don't have an internet connection so use the leaky wi-fi in my neighborhood when available.  I have a small container garden that is my one small bright spot.  I live in a beautiful place but it is overrun with 'ganstas' who ruin the environment with their greed for $$$.  I live in the marijuana capitol of the country...and that is all there is here...very little going on socially or very little organizing for the future.  It's all about money and big diesel trucks and trips to Thailand...

 

I've lost much empathy (see above) I am so judgemental...I screen people carefully before letting them into my life.

 

My symptoms right this moment are agoraphobia, major major insomnia...suicidal ideation...feelings of hopelessness...I was abused as a child, my whole life has been shi**y, and I just can't see how anything will get better.

 

I read a review of 'Anatomy of an Epidemic' in my erstwhile New York Review of Books-that Marcia Angell is really something...I checked the book out of the library, and soon started d/cing the Depakote I had been on for years...my last AD was mertazapine, which made me into a fat pig, when before I had been nicknamed 'skelator' by my kids...

 

I tapered the last drug, the K, for a year and a half, thinking I would be good to go but NO...7 weeks out from jumping I had some major stressors...and began the horror of the akathesia (sp) I felt as if I was metabolizing jet fuel,,,relentless sleeplessness...weakness (formerly quite active since I get around without a car) my blood pressure was way high...I did not know what was going on.  I went to the clinic and they of course, wanted me to get back on the Depakote, cuz, you know, I'm bipolar...they gave me Remeron...and I took it but it gave me incredible epic dreams/nightmares...went back they gave me sleeping pill (can't for the life of me remember which one...a z drug-told me it wasn't a benzo...

 

FInally found BenzoBuddies and figured out what was going on-they are good for that.  I was so uncomfortable in my skin I just wanted to kill myself.

 

Got an offer for some free acupunture treatments, and I was able to sleep for awhile...the racing metabolism (sorry-wish there was spell check here) went mostly away...it was nice being touched...nobody touches me.

 

People in town think I'm f***ing nuts, they make big circles around me.

 

I've always been too sensitive, I've always seen the big picture...I protested the Diablo Canyon nuclear plant in the day for example...I want to save the world but can't seem to save myself.

 

Gonna try and post this while I have a signal.  thanks for being here-

 

PS some of this doesn't make sense...will edit it later;)

[bubble]

Hello hacilar and welcome to SA.

 

You've really been through an awful lot but you are still here and putting up a good fight. 

 

Thank you for putting down your drug history and don't worry about accuracy. It's enough to understand that you were on various meds for 21 years. Am i right in understanding that you are at the moment not taking anything and your last drug was Klonopin which you discontinued 6 months ago?

 

Although you tapered it for year and a half the withdrawal symptoms that hit you afterwards show that it was too quick for your brain to adapt and regrow. Also there was probably a cumulative influence of changing and stopping all those other meds.

 

Since it is been over 6 months since you last took any medication (except sporadic use f sleeping pills) , reinstating anything is not really likely to work. We have a separate section here on tapering benzos so you could start your own thread there to get specific opinion on tapering and dealing with benzo withdrawal.

 

You will find a lot of useful advice on how to manage your symptoms in Symptoms and self-care section here is a thread with a lot of very useful links about most common withdrawal symptoms including sleep problems.

 

.http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/604-important-topics-about-symptoms-including-sleep-problems/

 

You will find a lot of friendly support here.

 

best,

 

bubble

[Rhiannon]

Hello hacilar, welcome to the forum.

 

Please update your progress occasionally in this thread so we can keep up with you. 

 

I have nothing to add to bubble's excellent suggestions--it sounds like you're going through the difficult process of withdrawal and recovery, which can be extremely challenging for people with a long history on meds. 

 

We're not primarily a benzo support board, but the process of recovery is pretty much the same regardless of the drug, and the suggestions here will help with benzo withdrawal too.

 

Welcome!

[Altostrata]

Welcome, hacilar.

 

Our benzo discussions are here http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/forum/29-members-only-benzo-tapering-discussion/

[hacilar]

Thanks, all.  Boy, my post was/is a mess up there-the pressure to get it online before the signal drops makes me sloppy:(  No, Bubble, I am taking nothing-nada-zip-zilch.  Well...mag citrate, Vit C, iodoral (hypothyroid) and Armour...I'm so fed up with big Pharma that I'm wondering about the Armour now...

 

Slept last night for the first time in many days, but here it is 12:30am...another night of cruisin' the cortisol.

 

Will start a new thread on the benzo space.  

[hacilar]

Checking in; I'm in a window that started when I got back home after housesitting...I'm able to sleep at least 7 hours and it makes everything so much better.  I am having some kind of GI problem...the runs...it could possibly be from too much magnesium, but haven't taken any more than usual.

 

I recieved my Lactium in the mail yesterday; I ordered Bliss John's book from my fav bookstore in Mendocino.  I've been able to help a friend who is having a health crisis in her family.  It feels good to be useful.

 

I will be able to make a few bucks by watching my friend's store on Sat.  I have been encouraged to take some other jobs in town, but they are high traffic and stressful...I know from the pattern so far that even tho I feel perfectly capable today, it could change at any time.  I pretty much anitcipate a wave heading in when my 'family' comes here for their stupid solstice party.  I'm not sure how I'm suppose to be 'unconditonal' to them at this point in time.

 

The weather is definately saying summer is here-it's hot; I'm going to take a walk around town while it's relatively cool.

[hacilar]

An update; it's getting better-yay...nearing the 8 month mark and while there have been some bad days, there's been many more ok to good ones.  I haven't had a multi-day wave in about 3 weeks now.  I am sleeping better-there are nights that aren't so great, but what can I do?  I have learned to just roll with it.  I have been able to socialize in small groups pretty successfully...

 

I am still estranged from my family but I'm not ruminating so much about it.  I'm frankly tired of trying to explain myself to them-or anyone.

 

I started seeing an old friend who is a homeopathist about a month ago; she knows my history and backround story-helpful for finding the right remedy (I understand some think this is hooey-I too, am cynical-but hey-I feel better, and placebo just doesn't work with benzo withdrawal syndrome) I'm on the second one now and only taking it prn (as needed).

 

I still try to limit stress in my life, I avoid grains still, pretty much-but on the 2 occasions I've had 'pie'(I've always loved pie~and peach/berry pie? mmmmm) no adverse reactions, I try to walk everyday (easy when you don't have a car) and I have even made a few extra bucks working in a friend's vineyard.  My brain fog is still there; that's disappointing and concerning.  I can't digest new information...I find meditation impossible for whatever reason.  

 

The lactium was a waste of money.

 

I still have no idea about how to deal w/the future-I need some kind of supplemental income but not sure how that's going to manifest.  I sub at a friend's shop once or twice a month and that pays for groceries that last long week of the month.  I don't want to be on SSI forever, but ?  I can't deal with it right now.

 

I want to keep learning, to try to be a better/kinder person, to do some sort of good in the world.  Where I live there is not a lot I am interested in plugging into; too many big fish in this small pond.  I still fanticize about relocating where there is more going on-where I could feel part of something-I long for that.

 

Not a complete success story here, but seeing signs of progress; there is life after benzos/psych drugs...

[Altostrata]

Good to hear, hacilar. It sounds like you're resourceful and have a good attitude, you'll make it, don't worry.

 

Please let us know how you're doing.

[hacilar]

Hi out there

 

Checking in, and this time not with a good report...August was hell.  I haven't had a window since I posted the above.  Running ragged on little or no sleep for weeks now; I feel out of sorts.  And depressed...I don't have internet access so go to a friend's to borrow theirs, and it's distracting, and I feel pressured for time...

 

I have aged 10 years in the last 1 1/2 years...I've gained about 10 lbs and cannot fit into any of my clothes anymore, and now at this age, I have no idea what to do about a winter 'wardrobe'...I used to be skinny and could dress like a younger woman, and now I'm wondering is it elastic waistbands and moo-moos for me?

 

Feeling a lot of fatigue which makes exercising difficult.  I get hypoglycemic and weak when out walking even if I've just eaten.  

 

I'm suppose to go on a walk at the coast with an environmental group-I went on one in July and had a wonderful time, and met some nice people...but wonder about this Saturday's trip since I'm not in a good place mentally or physically.  I wonder now if I will have a window ever ever again.

 

This latest obession about losing my youth and turning into an old lady is doing a number on me.  I feel even more marginalized and invisible that ever before.

 

Still dealing with the grief of how my kids have turned out, how I am scapegoated by my family, how they will never know me for who I really am.

 

There are a few kind people in my life, but am alone way too much for my liking.  I want to move to another area where there is more going on that interests me...I have a place in mind, but worry that I wouldn't/won't be able to handle the stress of it-the logistics, the financial implications-I would have to give away all my material possessions; and I don't have all that much but I am a poor person and much easier to find affordable housing without dragging along a lot of 'stuff'.  I live in a 275sf apt. now so it's not a lot of 'stuff' but it's the bare bones of my life.

 

Really feeling low-I know a week of good sleep would change everything.  Fall coming has got me down, too.  I can smell it.

 

Thanks for listening

[bubble]

Hello Hacilar,

 

I 'd just to like to greet you and thank you for the update. I could've actually written a lot of what you wrote although I seem to be younger than you. Since changing to the last AD I have put so much weight that I also couldn't fit into my previous clothes. I feel/felt really bad about it since I just can't be on any reduction diet given the raging appetite I have and I'm so very tired after work that I can't be physically active. But now I have somehow accepted that. I hoep that over time I will get to the situation where I will be able to lose some of the weight and in the meantime I just accept it as it is. At least I had a godo excuse for buying new clothes. Even bigger sizes are nice

 

I can't relate to grief of how kids turned out simply becasue I wasn't able to have any (largely because of drugs). Not sure I will get off on tiem to still try and have at least one. Sorry, this is a kind of it could be worse message. But lately I somehow manage to look at things in a more positive way and focusing on positive aspects rather than on shortcomings. 

 

I hope you make it to that trip to the coast by giving yourself a little gentle push. But even if you don't go this time, some other time will be just as good. 

 

I also totally sign up to the remark about the coming fall: it has the same effect on me. But I started thinking it's part of the natural life cycle in nature. Being a little low and introspective is not all that bad.

 

take care,

 

bubble

[hacilar]

An update

 

Windows and waves, indeed...or waves, waves, waves, waves waves, *window* WAVE wave wave...The last window was all to brief, 2 weeks I'm guessing...felt joy, felt my creativity stirring, made up for lost time socially...but the monster got a hold of my foot and has dragged me back down into the foamy brine-think tentacles dragging the ship under...

 

Physical stuff contiues to be the horrible insomnia, I'm weak...intolerant of physical exertion (try to walk when the weather /depression permits), head rushes very much like the ones I experienced d/cing all those antidepressants over the years, occasional tinnitus, nausea and lightheadedness.  The mental stuff remains the same; the grief of betrayal by the people who are suppose to love me but don't, feelings of incompetence and failure, obession with death, inability to handle large groups of people, depression (holidays and darkness sure don't help) anxiety about every little choice that presents itself to me, lack of motivation, constast freaking out about upcoming famines, droughts, wars, homelessness...on and on and on...

 

I look back at the last 20 years and it's all a blur-I can't remember what I was diagnosed with when; I can't remember when my many relocations have happened, I can't recall a whole lot of just what I've experienced.  I have to admit, I've always had trouble with my emotions, with relationships with 'family' members...I am convinced now more than ever that I come from a hugely dysfuntional family and I have been cast into the scapegoat role-I look for a pattern with that and I don't know who could have been the scapegoat before me-I've always been the one who was trotted off to counselling or the psychologist-never my abusive mother or my abusive husband or my abusive sister...

 

The benzos sure **** with your head; I now get flashes of incidents that happened so long ago, buried so deep...I have real fears of never being OK out in the world ever-not being able to handle stress-ever...I do know I can be content without having 'family' care about me, but I lay awake at night composing letters STILL wanting my kids to understand me, to make excuses for my past behaviors, to explaing my point of view-but I KNOW THEY DON't GIVE A **** because they have to maintain their personal fiction of what happened to us so they can rationalize their treatment of me.  I obsess about my shortcomings-I freely admit I have a bunch-but I never hurt anyone on purpose-never plotted and planned someone's downfall and pain...The things in my past that I messed up with I would never do again....but I still can't help but feel I deserve everything that has happened to me.

 

I am managing sort-of financially; I went ahead and got hooked up to internet, but it's very very very expensive and limited (10Gs a month I just blow thru-no youtubes, few downloads).  I'm using up my savings from last summer for it; I have a friend who occasionally donates to my cause.  

 

My friendship base is small, but I made a new friend in the middle of all this-which is surprising...I've always been pretty good at making friends, less good at keeping them...

 

I still love the Mad in America site; there's a forum and I've made a few online friends from there, one of whom is also going thru PAWS from Klonopin.  Still go to BenzoBuddies a lot, don't post much; it often frustrates me-the participants are often just plain stupid and/or mean...dramas going on-I am trying to practice the 'it is better to be kind than to be right' mindset.  There is a lot more discussion on there recently regarding the dangers of psych meds, but the prevailing culture still seems to be about getting a pill to treat the side effect of the first pill, then another pill to counteract the unintended consequences from THAT pill; it makes me crazy...(oh, yeah, I am already crazy).

 

Sure would be nice to get a few weeks in of good sleep-still waking up with adrenalin surges, still having epic dreams, still flipping around for hours at a time...I get up and read, but I can't remember what I read (forgot to mention the ever-present cognitive fog, the inability to string a sentence together, to learn/wrap my head around anything new)...I fear my intelligence has been retarded permanantly and I try to make peace with it.  It concerns me when I can't locate my empathy; it seems to fade in and out...

 

Last time I was on this site, it appeared to me that the benzo section has been deleted...whatever, I guess...I do come here and read the past postings looking for coping skills or inspiration, but since there's not a lot of live action, it's infrequent.

 

11 months and 8 days since my last little bit of dust...

 

Pressing the send button...

[tgirl]

H,

Sorry to hear that your still suffering?

How did you manage to get off the remeron?

That's really too bad that your kids don't understand what's happening to you.

I will pray that things get better for you.

Much thoughts,

Tgirl

[hacilar]

'How did you manage to get off the remeron?'

 

I don't remember!  I honestly cannot recall anything specific about getting off any of the others...I had tolerance withdrawal issues mixed up with getting off the Remeron and Depakote so I don't know what to attribute to what.

 

I do remember quitting Paxil-it was a bit**, and Effexor also was 2 months of flu-ish discomfort with the ubiquious head rushes.  I also took neurontin for some time, but I Can't Remember how it was to quit...I know I didn't ever cold turkey any of them, but probably did an every-other-day (for awhile) every-second-day, every-third day type schedule.

 

Best wishes on your journey...

[Petunia]

.The things in my past that I messed up with I would never do again....but I still can't help but feel I deserve everything that has happened to me.

 

 

No one deserves to have a difficult life full of disappointment and suffering, it happens, but it doesn't mean we deserve it.  None of us get to choose our parents or the family and situation we are born into, we have very little control over the things that happen to us, especially during our early years when we are vulnerable and our personality is developing.  The course of our lives are set up from the beginning with no input from us and by the time we get to an age were we actually have a little power to control a few things, its often too late or too difficult to change some of the things which would have made the most difference.

 

So please stop telling yourself that you deserve what has happened.  I apologize for the cliche, but bad things happen to good people all the time. In fact it seems to me that the more a person is good, the more likely it is that they will be used, abused, walked on, taken advantage of and discarded when they are no longer of use.

 

I think the key to a quality, happy life is that we all need to learn how to be good to ourselves first.  Its never too late to learn how to do this.

 

The benzo forum is still here:  Members-only benzo tapering discussion  I think you need to be logged in to see it though.

[hacilar]

Back again-just feeling like I'm the only one going thru this with zero support from my family (and very very little from my 'community'); where my family has actively banned me from their lives; it's the holidays and everyone is cheery and buying gifts and putting up lights and I just want it to be over...

 

I'm not sleeping, I"m obsessing about the level of cruelty that humans can inflict on each other-love like hate?  Feeling super  sorry for myself and I know how unattractive it is but how many on these and other boards are as broke, as marginalized as discarded and alone as I am?  How can my children just throw me away like a used kleenex?  I am dying here, out in the desert wandering alone with everyone's sins while they merrily tell themselves stories about who I am and what my motives are/were.  All fiction that I have no way to counter or correct-they must know the pain they are inflicting-they must get some sort of jolly from it.  How did I breed such evil?

 

They want to believe that it all turned out for the best-that growing up without a mother was no big deal-I learned while they were in high school that he explained my absense from their lives by saying I was 'schizophrenic'-a condition that he, himself was obsessed with (used it as a code word, used it as a theme in his infrequent artwork).  They acted like I was dead!  And I loved them so much, I tried so hard to stay up in their lives, to be there for them, to send them all the things their trash father didn't provide...and I had so hoped that after they became adults we would be reunited and become reaquainted...what a fool I've been!

 

Someone is going to come on here and recommend therapy, or yoga or some such thing I have zero money for-it is not free-everything costs money money money.

 

I can certainly see why so many take their lives this time of the year.  I feel like the lone ranger, I am not middle class, I don't even have a car...my lifestyle just keeps diminishing, telescoping down to smaller and smaller circles of bare exsistence...I lived on a comparable income while in nursing school; I had a 2 bedroom house, a yard, a car...food just keeps going up, utilites the same, but my income doesn't-there aren't any jobs out there for old used up crazy hags...I miss my garden(s) so much, almost as much as my babies-can't afford a yard!  Can't afford a house big enough to even have someone spend the night as a guest...I gave him 2 children and he got both houses, my business, the land because I didn't have money for a high falutin' liar (lawyer)...I'm angry...I want to die.  Justice would cure me but I know that isn't going to happen, and I can't make peace with the fact that this evil will prevail forever...the micro in the macro...everyone would be happier if I were dead and not a drain in any way on any one.

 

I feel too rough, too sleep-deprived to go 'help' anyone, or even to go for a walk-I don't want to run into someone and have to 'chat' I cannot carry that off...this isn't feeling like I'm 'getting better' it feels like it just goes on and on and on...I've been labelled 'mentally ill' and been dismissed as useless.

 

I am sorry there are so many of us going thru this horror, but it irks me to see so many whine while they have the luxury of a home and family...I'm not sure what there is for me to be grateful for at this point-my life????  I just wish they would hit me over the head with a rock rather than to treat their own mother like this.  They should be ashamed.

[hacilar]

Just ran into this on Monica's site, where also ironically she has a post about suffering and how it's not a competition.

 

 

Beannacht (“Blessing”) by John O’Donohue

On the day when

the weight deadens

on your shoulders

and you stumble,

may the clay dance

to balance you.

And when your eyes

freeze behind

the grey window

and the ghost of loss

gets in to you,

may a flock of colours,

indigo, red, green,

and azure blue

come to awaken in you

a meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays

in the currach of thought

and a stain of ocean

blackens beneath you,

may there come across the waters

a path of yellow moonlight

to bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,

may the clarity of light be yours,

may the fluency of the ocean be yours,

may the protection of the ancestors be yours.

And so may a slow

wind work these words

of love around you,

an invisible cloak

to mind your life.

I like it.  Beauty is all there is for me...

[Petunia]

...I gave him 2 children and he got both houses, my business, the land because I didn't have money for a high falutin' liar (lawyer)...I'm angry.. Justice would cure me but I know that isn't going to happen, and I can't make peace with the fact that this evil will prevail forever...

 

I've been struggling with a similar situation hacilar, not exactly the same, but a similar injustice in my life.  Over time, I've slowly been allowing myself to feel the full impact of these feelings and letting them go, I'm getting closer to acceptance, its getting easier.  And not surprisingly 'karma', is beginning to take care of the 'injustice' without me having to do anything.  Not saying you should do anything, but you are not alone in dealing with injustice.

 

Someone is going to come on here and recommend therapy, or yoga or some such thing I have zero money for-it is not free-everything costs money money money.

 

 

I haven't been able to do any of these things because of agoraphobia and being too sick, so I've been making the most of what I've had available at home.  Its amazing what you can find on the internet for free if you look.  You can do yoga at home, plenty of youtube vids to show you how.  I wanted to start exercising, but could hardly manage getting off my bed, so I did stretches sitting in bed, now I'm able to do more outside, but I still don't pay for anything.

 

See:  Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

for links to plenty of free help including self help and therapies.

 

Search 'frugal living' and 'cheap living' for more ideas about how to live well on less.

 

 

I feel too rough, too sleep-deprived to go 'help' anyone, or even to go for a walk-I don't want to run into someone and have to 'chat' I cannot carry that off...this isn't feeling like I'm 'getting better' it feels like it just goes on and on and on...I've been labelled 'mentally ill' and been dismissed as useless.

 

 

I get this too, I've felt this exact same way.  It hurts to be dismissed as useless, but the real tragedy is when we start believing it and continue thinking of ourselves the same way.  Embrace yourself and find ways to be valuable to yourself first, take care of yourself the best you can, because you are worth taking care of.

 

...everyone would be happier if I were dead and not a drain in any way on any one.

 

 

No, not everyone, you wouldn't be happier if you were dead and you are who really matters. You have a right to be here and you also have a right to be happy.

 

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

........

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

 

...... lines from The Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

 

I will also be spending Christmas alone, this will be my third year of doing that and I will also be glad when its over.  But this year feels different, I'm not feeling sorry for myself any more.

 

Thank you for posting the poem from Monica's site, I like it too.

[hacilar]

Thanks, Petu

 

Funny the difference a little sleep can do...I am better today; still low but it's managable.

 

As far a karma goes-sorry, but it's been my experience over the years that the perps always seem to merrily sail on in their lives without ever dealing with the harm they've cause.  The bullies win every time.

 

I was given drugs instead of support when I needed it most.  Darwin's theory wasn't about survival of the fittest; it was about how diversity would save us...and yet-evil prospers and the sensitive and beautiful get crushed under their boots.

 

Yeah, still feeling pretty low.  Thanks for replying, Petu-it does help to get some feedback.  I admire how you've gained some perspective and peace.  I noticed in your sig that Prozac brought on rage?  I had a couple of experiences with acting out with anger while on Imipramine and then, later, with Paxil (I think)...was it me or was it the drugs?  

 

The free youtubes would be great, and when I was using a friend's internet connection last summer I watched many; however, I am now limited to 10Gs of data a month, and youtubes are out of the question.  It's only the 19th and I'm already almost done with my allotment.  (stupid websites that have streaming commercials!)

 

Will explore more here; thanks for the link.  Happy winter solstice.

[brassmonkey]

A Happy Winter Solstice to you.  May the growing light bring you more healing.

[Petunia]

 

The free youtubes would be great, and when I was using a friend's internet connection last summer I watched many; however, I am now limited to 10Gs of data a month, and youtubes are out of the question. 

 

 

I also have a data limit.  You may already know this, but in case you didn't.  When you watch a youtube you can click on the little cog thing at the bottom and change the quality setting to 144p, that reduces the size of the file that gets downloaded.  The picture quality drops, but most things are fine and it does make a big difference to data allowance.

[Wildflower0214]

Back again-just feeling like I'm the only one going thru this with zero support from my family (and very very little from my 'community'); where my family has actively banned me from their lives; it's the holidays and everyone is cheery and buying gifts and putting up lights and I just want it to be over...

 

I'm not sleeping, I"m obsessing about the level of cruelty that humans can inflict on each other-love like hate? Feeling super sorry for myself and I know how unattractive it is but how many on these and other boards are as broke, as marginalized as discarded and alone as I am? How can my children just throw me away like a used kleenex? I am dying here, out in the desert wandering alone with everyone's sins while they merrily tell themselves stories about who I am and what my motives are/were. All fiction that I have no way to counter or correct-they must know the pain they are inflicting-they must get some sort of jolly from it. How did I breed such evil?

 

They want to believe that it all turned out for the best-that growing up without a mother was no big deal-I learned while they were in high school that he explained my absense from their lives by saying I was 'schizophrenic'-a condition that he, himself was obsessed with (used it as a code word, used it as a theme in his infrequent artwork). They acted like I was dead! And I loved them so much, I tried so hard to stay up in their lives, to be there for them, to send them all the things their trash father didn't provide...and I had so hoped that after they became adults we would be reunited and become reaquainted...what a fool I've been!

 

Someone is going to come on here and recommend therapy, or yoga or some such thing I have zero money for-it is not free-everything costs money money money.

 

I can certainly see why so many take their lives this time of the year. I feel like the lone ranger, I am not middle class, I don't even have a car...my lifestyle just keeps diminishing, telescoping down to smaller and smaller circles of bare exsistence...I lived on a comparable income while in nursing school; I had a 2 bedroom house, a yard, a car...food just keeps going up, utilites the same, but my income doesn't-there aren't any jobs out there for old used up crazy hags...I miss my garden(s) so much, almost as much as my babies-can't afford a yard! Can't afford a house big enough to even have someone spend the night as a guest...I gave him 2 children and he got both houses, my business, the land because I didn't have money for a high falutin' liar (lawyer)...I'm angry...I want to die. Justice would cure me but I know that isn't going to happen, and I can't make peace with the fact that this evil will prevail forever...the micro in the macro...everyone would be happier if I were dead and not a drain in any way on any one.

 

I feel too rough, too sleep-deprived to go 'help' anyone, or even to go for a walk-I don't want to run into someone and have to 'chat' I cannot carry that off...this isn't feeling like I'm 'getting better' it feels like it just goes on and on and on...I've been labelled 'mentally ill' and been dismissed as useless.

 

I am sorry there are so many of us going thru this horror, but it irks me to see so many whine while they have the luxury of a home and family...I'm not sure what there is for me to be grateful for at this point-my life???? I just wish they would hit me over the head with a rock rather than to treat their own mother like this. They should be ashamed.

I'm sorry you are in this position.

I ended up on these drugs because my mother had cancer, and I was alone in caring for her, and my father refused to be supportive of me. They are divorced, but I needed him. I had no one.

 

He was in the military and has no compassion. If he could have just been supportive, all of this could have been avoided. I'm 30, and should be having a life. But, I am not. He however has gotten remarried and is enjoying life and acknowledges no contribution to any of this. I may not be able to have children becasue of this. Although, he was not completely responsible for my situation, he contributed largely to it. And the thought that my own father helped put me here makes me want to throw up

 

You are not alone. I'm sorry for you.

[hacilar]

Wow it's been awhile.  I should really come back and post here when I'm in a window---but instead I only think to come here when I'm bottoming out.

 

I did have maybe 2 good weeks in January.  I distinctly remember having 3 days in a row where I was social, had my words coming easily, and concepts/abstractions were grasped quickly.  That all seems so long ago.

 

I'm not sure what I did (or did not do) to bring on this latest wave; it's a doozy....I don't sleep, I can't think, I have a headache from hell...there are head rushes and I feel weak and unmotivated.  I'm also feeling a HUGE amount of anxiety...the cortisol just pounds thru my veins at night.  It's so frustrating to drop off to sleep and then be jerked back awake again, over and over and over....all night long.

 

When all this first started for me last year, I could not handle the news AT ALL...I was a political person in the past, and I take pride in researching world/US/local events...I find it's like a story, and the story depends very much on who's telling it.  I have always had a keen sense of justice and fairness, so I wade thru a lot of bullsh** before arriving at what I deem to be the truth.

 

When the 'troubles' in the Ukraine began last February, I was interested but the news stories were all so confusing and conflicting; I read a lot of what was I now realize was propaganda---most of it promulgated by our own corporate MSM...it took me months to get a semblance of just what was going on there.

 

I have a lot of fear now about the fate of our planet and the life on it...These fears play a big role in my anxiety and insomnia that I'm now experiencing...and also the fact that I'm running out of savings, and this month I've only got $70 to last until the end of the month---I won't be able to pay for my thyroid med that runs out in a few days, for example.  And groceries---GROCERIES! are so so so expensive.  So I have some very basic fears about starving to death in the near future, (doesn't help that the new Koch Kongress as their first move was to defund Social Security Disability as of 2016...sure hope me and 11 million others who are disabled get better *real soon* and go out and get those minimum wage jobs that are so plentiful out there) and I keep wondering how long I will be able to pay rent, and then what my life will be like when I am homeless (this time-done it before when my ex kicked me out of the family home....)

 

Freaking out, can't bring myself back to the present...have zero spirituality---I just don't feel connected to anything at all...when I was feeling better I had such loving interactions with random people, but now I'm *dead* inside...I feel empty and hopeless.

 

I keep on trying to remind myself that this is only the withdrawal speaking and yet, and YET...the truths of what is happening out there in the world are hard to deny...life is getting harder and harder for many many of us...I feel as if we as the dominate specie are on the precipice and everything we know (and love) is about to change in uncontrollable and catastrophic ways...

 

Have so many regrets, so many missed opportunities...my children will never know me...I've had some short dealings with all of them in the last 2 1/2 months, but it's like walking on eggshells...all I want is their time but the feeling I get from them, and from the culture in general is that I (and others who are old and without 'resources') are in the way and why don't we all just die---please.

 

I think congress should send us all the black pill.

[OffEFFexor]

Hey Halcilar, I've closely followed the story of the Ukrainian coup and subsequent civil war.  The media in this country is what it is, whatever you've judged it to be regarding propaganda/truth.  However, the coverage of this story has been very different. 

 

The level of propaganda and outright falsehoods put forth as news is distinctly much higher, and much worse than any story in recent history.  It is really weird - I don't want to go too much into it, but just to reassure you that lots of other people have noticed, and that you are not alone.  Tough to process even when my brain is working properly. 

 

There are plenty of news sources online that have their own biases, yet they give much more of the actual facts.  The real story is very scary, but I am comforted that the facts are available, despite how disconcerting that the regular media is presenting a fiction that is nearly 180 degrees the reverse, and most people only see that version.

[hacilar]

Hey Halcilar, I've closely followed the story of the Ukrainian coup and subsequent civil war.  The media in this country is what it is, whatever you've judged it to be regarding propaganda/truth.  However, the coverage of this story has been very different. 

 

The level of propaganda and outright falsehoods put forth as news is distinctly much higher, and much worse than any story in recent history.  It is really weird - I don't want to go too much into it, but just to reassure you that lots of other people have noticed, and that you are not alone.  Tough to process even when my brain is working properly. 

 

There are plenty of news sources online that have their own biases, yet they give much more of the actual facts.  The real story is very scary, but I am comforted that the facts are available, despite how disconcerting that the regular media is presenting a fiction that is nearly 180 degrees the reverse, and most people only see that version.

What makes me angry is that there are so many 'citizens' who do not even bother to educate themselves about what is going on...who are happy to lap up the poor quality pap that is serve up with huge doses of consumerism.  

 

Yes, there are many good sites out there if one knows how to 'look' and 'see'...

[OffEFFexor]

I don't want to get into a big off-topic discussion here, but I know events on the news and in the larger world can be very distressing for us when we are in the depths of withdrawal.  Some folks report that they need to turn the TV off or tune out from the news.  OTOH, even on my bad days in WD I feel better being informed.  I find things in the news to be extremely disconcerting, but I prefer to know what is going on.

 

Although I stopped watching TV news years ago, unless there is severe weather or rarely for a huge local story.  I get my news from various 'alternative' blogs and websites.

[hacilar]

Super depressed again, and there's no one to talk to so back here posting an update.

 

Month 15 (and 3 weeks) and no window since the 3rd week of January.  Sleep still the biggest issue.  Two solid months of virtually no sleep--I can hardly take care of myself; my thinking is so fogged, no motivation to clean or cook or do the flippin' laundry.  A reprieve of sorts starting 5 days or so ago, but last night I woke early in the am and unable to get back to it after an inauspicious bedtime the night before.

 

*There was more to this post, but only this ^^ was saved, the rest lost to the ether after failing to show up on page after hitting 'post'*

 

My kids are in the county and I guess I won't see them again...not sure how many years it will be before they deem it important to schedule me in to their fun-filled lives.  It's been YEARS since I've seen them...I resent that I had no control over how they were raised.  I resent that they can call me when THEY are upset or lonely, but I cannot ask for time for connection from any of them.  I resent the fact that 'reciprocity' is a apparent fantasy from the olden days or something...

 

The post that was lost was much better...my mind is gone, I don't know what it's like to read and comprehend anymore; I am so weary of this and so discouraged...no windows since the end of January.  Super broke to top it all off---my apt. has termites and I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to buy groceries once the effects of this drought really kick in.  I foresee famine and mass death to those of us on the bottom.

[hacilar]

I'm baaaaack.

 

Posted somewhere and update, but can't find it now.

 

Heading into month 39 and still very much symptomatic.

 

Will try to locate what I just wrote and repost it here.

 

Hope all you out there are seeing the tail end of it...

[hacilar]

Ahh

 

Here we go:

 

Back after wandering thru the badlands of BenzoBuddies...

 

After 38 months of this, and seeing that for me, the 'waves and windows' trope holds true, I'm deep into a weeks long 'wave' and so very discouraged.

 

I've also experienced weeks long windows, so I can only hope that at some point, all this suffering will abate and life will hold a tiny bit of joy again.

 

The insomnia is brutal, the nightmares surprise me after all this time, the weakness, the adrenalin surges, the palpitations,  the brain fog and cognitive deficits, blah blah blah...I get so tired of living thru every day feeling like ****, and getting ZERO acknowledgement from my 'friends' and the 'professionals' who led me down this path.

 

My kids, however, have come round and are being as supportive as they can.  Unfortunately, they all live hundreds of miles away, and on the days that I'm too sick to get to the store, or too wiped to hike to the laundromat, well, tough.  My tiny apartment is a wreck, my mind hijacked and I can only look forward to more of this until I die.

 

My 'best friend' told me last week (after weeks of keeping a distance), that I was a 'hypochondriac' and wasn't *trying hard enough* to get well.

 

So the only folks who 'get this' are the people who have experienced it.  It is beyond most people's comprehension.  And it is lonely as hell.

 

It would make it more bearable it the medicos would admit that there *is* such a phenomenon as 'iatrogenic damage'/PAWS so I and so many others could finally get a little bit of support and validation.

 

No sugar, no chocolate, no caffeine, no alcohol, no other drugs, (other than the Imitrex I seem to take way way way too often for debilitating migraines--yes, I know about rebound headaches and sheesh, right, I have all kinds of insurance to access a 'headache specialist' NOT )no gluten, no late nights, no music, no fun.  Distract distract distract has been my go-to strategy for years now.

 

Tired of missing out on life, tired of stressing about every little itty bitty thing.  I don't have very many years left and if this is what it's going to be like until the end--who needs it???

 

[hacilar]

I just read thru 11 pages of Shep's thread.  Holy moly; all kinds of things come up for me.   How does she do it?  The descriptions of her thought processes and of what's happening for her, *staying on point* and not meandering around with petty drama.  Makes me want to erase everything I stupidly posted here. 

 

Brought tears to my eyes...total admiration.  And yes, it could be a book.

 

I've had a 2 week window (today is not so good, tho) where sleep has improved, and all the other symptoms improve as a result.

 

I'm making art again.  I step back and second guess myself and wonder if I'm not a little 'manic' with the inspiration and execution of it.  A lot of second guessing going on with me and some brutal assessments pertaining to my character and worth as a human.

 

Still walking as much as weather allows.  Still dealing with blood sugar drop outs when I get lazy and don't eat properly.  Yes, protein is *key* for me.  Just started taking some fish oil after trying some sample packages from the health food store down the street.  So far no bad fall out; the 'window', however, began before the fish oil.

 

I'm still shocked that I'm still dealing with the very same stuff (plus some random transitory symptoms) all these years later.  I still get stressed out about any disruption in my 'schedule'.  I still don't care to listen to music--I *like* silence; except when working on my current piece.  Books on tape help fill in what would otherwise be more of my usual 'thoughts' that fill my sleepless nights.

 

And yes, I am now pretty good at redirecting my thoughts when rumination rears it's ugly head.  I try deep breathing and do my buddhist chant from a lifetime ago. 

 

I find myself wishing for new friends but wanting certain qualities, which precludes much of what is available in this little monoculture town.  Still would like to move, and hoping to do some exploring this summer with an old beater I bought from my son.  Just being able to get out into the woods again will give some meaning to my life that seems to be missing now.

 

Once a week I watch my friend's shop, so am forced to interact even when feeling terrible.  Some weeks are more successful than others; some days I have wonderful conversations.  A lot of days I find myself wondering where have kindness, civility and beauty gone...cuz I sure don't see any signs of it around here.  My 'community' seems to be mostly about making money, and everything else be damned.  I live is a beautiful, unique place that is getting trashed by greed, and I grieve while I resist in my (self)limited way. 

 

My 'activism' is mostly limited to local newpapers and blogs, so in some small way I'm fighting to educate the people around me about the dangers of psych meds and the 'mental health' system.  I wish I could do more, but I just don't have it in me.  And that feels like failure often.

[hacilar]

I wonder if there's any way to delete some of my early, whiny posts?

 

I'm having a bad few days brought on by family stress.  Good and bad stress affect me in the same way, and this is good-ish stress.  Not sleeping;  adrenalin rushes jerk me awake as soon as I nod off, palpations, yada yada.

 

Lots of migraines, which I take Imitrex for.  I try not to take them due to the potential for rebound headaches.  A squeezing band around my head and lots of neck pain and some nights my hip hurts as well.  Some nights I experience what I believe is neuropathy in my foot that keeps me awake.

 

I was having a good streak, and only hope that now that the crisis has passed, I can calm the **** down and ultimately, get some needed sleep.

 

Very disappointing.  Living the rest of my life so impaired by mere changes to my routine is depressing.  There's so much I want to do this summer.

[hacilar]

Still wave-ing.  Good day yesterday, tho.  Walked in the woods with a for-real botanist and my friends and the weather was fine.

 

The rash I have had throughout this process is back after a months long hiatus; itchy and painful.  Functioning on very little sleep this last week.  The rash always has been a sign of a big wave...

 

Stashing this here: http://www.counterpunch.org/2017/05/15/hope-is-our-enemy-fighting-boiling-frog-syndrome/

[hacilar]

A bad day.  Another flippin' *bad* day.  I just re-read some of my posts from 2014, and CRIKEY nothing has changed!

 

It's very hard to keep slugging thru it and not compare oneself with others who seem to be having a easier go of it.  What am I doing wrong?

 

I've been walking more; while I have tried to 'meditate' at home, I find walking meditation more my style...my motivation to try clearing a space in my teeny apartment to do some *yoga* never materializes.  Just having to move everything to get the air conditioner into the window the other day was a huge accomplishment with all the cleaning involved. 

 

Today I'm tear-y and overwhelmed.  During my last window, I stepped out of my comfort zone to initiate setting up a presentation from a visiting archaeologist.  I'm now finding I'm stressed out and absolutely unable to cope with all the responsibilities involved.  Lots of stuff coming up in June that there's no getting out of.  I must deal.

 

What's frustrating is that when I feel 'well'--I am rarin' to go, ready to push on with my life.  But then the waves start crashing in on me and on days like today, I just can't get it up to do squat.

 

I am not functional.  D/P and D/R wreaking havoc on feelings of connection.  Stressing about money and the added responsibilities of owning a vehicle and the potential for change that offers.  I so many places I want to check out this summer!  When I have days like today, I cannot for the life of me imagine handling the stress of an exploratory camping trip.

 

Is there anyone else on these boards who has been dealing with protracted for as long as me?  What am I not doing?  Is this the way it is forever?

[hacilar]

Hi Hacilar

 

Responding to myself since apparently no one else is dealing with ID from benzos long term, or I'm too much of an ass or something.

 

And yeah, I guess I am.  An ass, I mean.

 

45 months out and I'm not living my life fully thanks to the limitations of my nervous system.

 

I manged to move to a new community, but find that in my efforts to be social, my restrictions on the hours I can safely keep without jacking up the adrenalin for days is a sad reminder that I'm only partially human for a good deal of (the rest of?) my life.

 

Weird pains come and go, with no clue as to their origin...those who have stuck by me over the years just ignore my implicating benzos for every ache and weirdness...but don't know what else to ascribe these strange pains to.  Migraines cripple me for days out of every month, I'm afraid (of everything) of taking too many Ibuprofen or Imitrex due to rebound headaches, no coverage for a specialist so again the rest of my life looks restricted and small.

 

Drove for an hour to see my son the other day and discovered my night vision is terrible, not sure if this is new since I don't go out after dark anymore (I need to settle down for the day by 6-7 pm otherwise I'm up all night), but this was an early morning drive...and it scared the crap outta me.  The visibility thing plus the big, intimidating trucks on the freeway...no sense of adventure, afraid of *everything*...the car breaking down, my fears of running off the road (why do I always have these disaster fantasies?), fears for my kids...for the planet.

 

I have connected thru the Community Garden here with a massage therapist who is willing to do some biodynamic craniosacral work on me--as a 'case study' for her continuing education module.  Can't hurt and the price is right.

 

Insomnia continues to be my most constant complaint, the inability to handle stress--*any* stress at all, stress that most people reckon with as part of life...and my constant companion, the ol' D/P and D/R.  Hard to make new friends when one's hours are so restricted and following and participating in conversations is so draining.

 

O yeah, and lethargy.  An inability to get excited about anything.  It's been awhile since I could get enthusiastic about a project, or to even feel up to cleaning the house properly.  What a waste.

 

Ya Basta!

 

 

[ChessieCat]

46 minutes ago, hacilar said:

Responding to myself since apparently no one else is dealing with ID from benzos long term

 

We encourage members to visit and post in other members' topics.  This way you will get to know other members and you may find some who are experiencing similar things and can support each other.

[hacilar]

Hi Chessie

 

Over the years, I have found very few contributors here who have actually completed a taper and are experiencing prolonged problems afterwards.  While it is similar to antidepressant PAWS...Shep is the only one I've found on this site who has been thru a similar experience with the benzos.  There seems to be a lack of interactivity...months go by without a response.  It is what it is, I'm grateful for the angle the site is coming from, but I'd love to actually speak to someone who has been down this road for as long as I have.  And please know, I'm just really really sick of this...a good night's sleep, or a hint of joy or inspiration, would change my attitude.  But today is one of those days~

 

 

[ChessieCat]

Even if you aren't able to find someone with prolonged benzo withdrawal, connecting with members who are experiencing any type of prolonged withdrawal can help provide some of the support you need whilst going through it.  It can be a long tough road for some members and supporting and being supported by people who understand how hard it is can be helpful.