Ricardo: the perfect crime

[ricardo7]

Ηello everyone. I have severe anhedonia, emotional anesthesia, severe PSSD, extremelly fatique and dizziness due to cold turkey of paxil(60mg!!). I tοοκ it for 6 weeks and I am free 8 months now. The issue is that I am on benzo (xanax) 3 years(!) in doses 1 - 1,5 mg and now I am on hell in other words :( because I have dependence and tolerance (maybe) to xanax. Ι was never warned that ssri will cause me so terrible side effects such as anhedonia and PSSD. Therefore, I was concentrated to cut the xanax gradually this year. Now I have so many nightmares and nobody doctor believes me, because, as you Know very well, all these situations aren't recognizable.

 

Also I am very confused because I don't Know if it is W/D or adverse reaction. Although I got a huge dose, I Think 6 weeks is a short exposure to develop W/D. I  don't have waves and windows. Every day is the same.I keep thinking that is permanent and I have intense suicidal thoughts. It' so unbearable ... I feel so EMPTY. I can't feel love even for my parents and I haven't substantial support because they ALL think that I am simply depressed. Ιt's a sick joce....Do you think that I must taper the xanax now? My brain is in chaos and I am afraid  for W/D from xanax now, but maybe I have not other choice. Keep in mind that I had not these effects (anhedonia, emotional blunting,PSSD) 2.5 years while I was ONLY on xanax.

Any advise would be highly appreciated!
Sorry for my bad English.
Greetings

Edited October 28, 2016 by scallywag
tags

[mammaP]

Hi Ricardo,  Welcome to SA. I'm  sorry you had such a bad time withdrawing from paxil. 

Many people have problems coming off anti depressants even after a short time of 

taking them. I think it is likely that you are experiencing withdrawal syndrome. 

 

I am not experienced with xanax so can't comment on whether it is complicating your

withdrawal or a separate issue but someone else will come along who has more knowledge

of benzos who can advise what is the best  way forward.

 

There is a topic on withdrawal syndrome which might help you to understand what is happening

to you.  You will find it here.http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/603-what-is-withdrawal-syndrome/

 

 I will ask for someone to come to your thread who is knowledgeable about benzos and they will help 

all they can. 

[Muddles]

So sorry you are going through this. We should have all been warned of adverse side effects and the possible dangers of taking these drugs.

 

If you have time could you please report these adverse effects on risk.org.

 

I do hope you find relief. Unfortunately it will take time, but you will get there.

[bubble]

Hello Ricardo,

 

as Muddles says it might take a while but it will pass. Maybe you should wait for the symptoms that taking and  topping Paxil caused to settle a bit before you tackle Xanax. But what all of us Xanax victims here found very helpful was spreading our daily dose of Xanax over 24 hours to prevent interdose withdrawal which occurs due to the short half-life of Xanax.

 

As its name says Surviving Antidepressants specialises in helping people with antidepressants issues and not benzos such as Xanax but there is a benzo subforum for members. You can start a thread there and then we can consider options regarding Xanax in more detail. Also, you will see the stories of those of us struggling with various benzos, Xanax included. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/forum/29-members-only-benzo-tapering-discussion/

 

It would also be good to add your drug history in your signature as described here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/893-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/

 

I'm glad you have found this forum because it has helped me a lot and I hope it can help you too.

 

best,

 

bubble

[Rhiannon]

Hi Ricardo--

 

I'm so sorry for your suffering. I agree with your title--the perfect crime. Unfortunately yes we do see people who end up with bad reactions after even a short time on these meds. You will heal eventually though.

 

Please start a thread in the Members Only Benzo area so we can address the issues with Xanax. Primarily what Bubble mentioned, let's get you on multiple daily dosing so your blood levels of Xanax are not bouncing up and down and making your other symptoms worse.

 

I have seen pretty often that people who go through withdrawal from benzos are then extra sensitive to withdrawal from ADs, and vice versa.

 

Your English is fine.

 

Welcome to the forum. You will get lots of support and good information here.

[ricardo7]

Thank you very much for your answers. I can't  write many more at this moment. Ι 'll come back...

[ricardo7]

Any tips to deal with anhedonia and emotional anesthisia? It's incredibly difficult. Μy feelings are completely "off".

HELL!

[mammaP]

Hi Ricardo, I feel for you going through this, it is a nightmare situation to be in but it will

get better. Take each day as it comes, each hour.  We have a topic on anhedonia here

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2873-anhedonia-apathy-demotivation/

 

You might find some helpful posts there. This will pass and things will get better, take care of

yourself in the meantime,  and try to do anything that gives you pleasure, tiny little things, even

just looking at the moon! Any glimmer of pleasure will be a good sign that you are healing, 

put the memories in a memory bank and they will be a constant reminder of things to come.

[Rhiannon]

I think it is helpful to do things that you know used to bring you pleasure, or that you know are good for you when you are normal. Even little things like smelling flowers, or bigger things (important but hard to do right now) like going for a walk or at least getting some exercise at home. 

 

I don't know if it really matters but for me, I feel like it is important to try to do a little of those things.

 

But I'm so sorry, there is really nothing I know of that will take those feelings away, other than time. (Or rather, bring those feelings back. But for me it's like anhedonia is a terrible feeling in itself, even if it is a deadness of sorts.)

 

In our Symptoms and Self Care section there is a lot written about mindfulness and mindfulness meditation. I find that type of technique helpful for dealing with suffering that can't be avoided. I think Gia has good stuff on her website too (Beyond Meds).

[ricardo7]

Thank you for your answers. Unfortunatelly my state getting progressively worse. I can'τ feel anything neither from  my  memories.   has happened to anyone? Its unbelievable... How much someone can endure this nightmare when he has in mind the possibility of permanent damage? How much...Ι believe the xanax contributes now to anhedonia and emotional anesthisia, but I am afraid to taper now , I don't know what to do , I am in  absolute despair

[Muddles]

Sorry Ricardo...I know how devastating this is and I really feel for you. It's going to take time, but you will get there.

 

I am sure Xanax will be contributing and may be worth looking into tapering off at a very slow pace.

 

Why are you afraid to taper off the Xanax?

[Karma]

Hi Ricardo

 

I'm sorry for your suffering.  I agree that is criminal that these drugs are prescribed without full disclosure.  But here we are and we need to take care of ourselves so that we can move forward.

 

Please add your signature identifying your recent drug withdrawal history.  It will show up each time you post and moderators and members will be able to readily understand your situation and offer better advise based on your individual experience.  Bubble has provided the link to instructions on how to do this above.

 

It is highly unlikely that you have suffered permanent damage.  It is more likely that you are suffering prolonged withdrawals from going cold turkey, but with time you can overcome this. 

 

There are many of us here who have been on far more drugs for far longer than you have been and we are finding our way and moving on to enjoy our lives.  As an example, I started anti-depressants in 1990.  By 1999 I had been on more ADs than I can name and was put on Effexor with a side of gabapentin "to stabilize" the effects of Effexor (an unapproved, off-label use of gabapentin).  I've been on a benzo of some type since 1990.  If you find my thread you will find that I experience moments of pure joy these days, although I do have some slightly challenging times, too.  But I do not believe that I have suffered permanent damage. 

 

I know that the human body is amazing and has the ability to heal over time.  If one part of the brain is damaged it is more than likely that other parts of the brain can be strengthened to compensate for the damaged part.

 

Have you tried what Rhi suggested?  She has suggested that you spread out your dose of xanax throughout the day to minimize the possibility of inter-dose withdrawal.  You may find some relief by following this guidance.

 

Welcome to the forum, I hope that you will take advantage of the guidance offered to minimize your discomfort.

 

Karma

[Rhiannon]

Ricardo I can't really give you advice because I don't know exactly what you're doing with the Xanax now. Please fill in your sig line. Xanax can definitely make things worse if you don't take multiple daily doses. I wouldn't recommend trying to taper Xanax or anything else now in your current condition, but spreading out the Xanax so that you're taking some every four hours or so is usually helpful to people.

[ricardo7]

I take xanax three times a day , 0.5 mg each time. I am afraid to taper off because if Ι have at least one effect due to the W/D of xanax Ι am going (honestly) to die... Εmotional anesthisia and PSSD are so unbearable...Ι don't think there are more difficult side effects.Οbjectively...Feeling nothing is unimaginably terrifying. I look at my father and I feel nothing. I have no interest and motivation in anything.
On the other hand I believe there isn't even a change to recover as long as I continue to take xanax beacuse I Know is harm for my sensitive nervous system and maybe the dizziness and fatigue  I have is from that. Also emotional blunting and depression are side effects from long term use, although I hadn't these effects until I get the paxil poison. I hope you understand my dead end.

Νοbody believes me even my own persons. Τhey refuse to look at these valuable forums like this. Automatically underestimate these , they can't  understand that  the truth is here... Nobody doctor believes  PSSD and I feel so  alone

.

I  find very few  recovery stories about PSSD, in my opinion  is permanent in most cases. I don't want to live the rest of my life as asexual. I really can't do it , I was so unlucky and I can't forgive myself for not doing research.

[andy]

I had pssd and now im back to normal ,it doesnt have to be long term you have to try and  be more positive than this to get over your problems

time will heal you but you have to be patient

[Altostrata]

Ricardo, you're going to have to be patient. We all learn to be Zen Buddhists to get through this thing.

 

Do what you can to stay calm. Meditation is very helpful. Your situation will gradually get better, but you may not notice it for a while.

 

I recovered from emotional anhedonia, it took a long time, but it did happen. Hang in there, as we say in the States.

[ricardo7]

I have lost all my feelings except from anger, sadness and anxiety. I am unable to feel love, passion, care, nostalgia, pleasure, enthousiasm, shame etc. I am too unable to relate to my surroundings, friends, neighbors, parents and anything or anyone. I am in this situation almost one year now ... If a plane crashes next to my house , I will not feel a thing. I remember only that will be a shocking fact, but the feeling would be like ..."so what"? Ha anyone else SO severe emotional problems and recovered? I don't have any windows or at least slightly better days -nor for 5 minutes Ι feel better. I have the sense of lobotomy rather than W/D, to be honest.

I don't have a person that knows what happened and  I want desperately to talk to someone face to face who is able to understand me. "You are depressed, you have OCD... it' s impossible to have numb genital organs...don't believe all the nonsenses that everyone writes on internet..." Τhe same poem from all. Ιt' very cruel , out of human limits and the pain is deep.

Emotional anesthisia...a hell on earth. I've forgotten to be a human -how sad it is. I could imagine this οnly as a movie script in a crazy dream my God. I know it's tiring to repeat the same things and apologize for this, but I feel less loneliness when someone understands me. I appreciate your support ,means a lot for me now.

 

Αndy, you suffered from PSSD...at what stage?

[andy]

I have lost all my feelings except from anger, sadness and anxiety. I am unable to feel love, passion, care, nostalgia, pleasure, enthousiasm, shame etc. I am too unable to relate to my surroundings, friends, neighbors, parents and anything or anyone. I am in this situation almost one year now ... If a plane crashes next to my house , I will not feel a thing. I remember only that will be a shocking fact, but the feeling would be like ..."so what"? Ha anyone else SO severe emotional problems and recovered? I don't have any windows or at least slightly better days -nor for 5 minutes Ι feel better. I have the sense of lobotomy rather than W/D, to be honest.

I don't have a person that knows what happened and  I want desperately to talk to someone face to face who is able to understand me. "You are depressed, you have OCD... it' s impossible to have numb genital organs...don't believe all the nonsenses that everyone writes on internet..." Τhe same poem from all. Ιt' very cruel , out of human limits and the pain is deep.

 

Emotional anesthisia...a hell on earth. I've forgotten to be a human -how sad it is. I could imagine this οnly as a movie script in a crazy dream my God. I know it's tiring to repeat the same things and apologize for this, but I feel less loneliness when someone understands me. I appreciate your support ,means a lot for me now.

 

Αndy, you suffered from PSSD...at what stage?

after i came off zoloft it gradually went away but took a good 6 months.On seroquel i also had terrible emotional blunting like you and didnt care about my immediate family or if a plan crashed next to my house,it was severe but It went after about 6 months after coming off,I am still on zyprexa which numbs but not as bad.

One day when I was feeling sorry for myself in hospital a nurse gave me a terrible telling off,she told me lying in bed and moping around wasnt helping me.From that day every day I would force myself to go for a walk in the country for an hour,from that day every day I felt a tiny tiny bit better.You have to push yourself a bit and engage in life again,nobody but yourself can do this for you .A diagnosis is only a label to carry and wont make you feel any better

[Petunia]

Emotional anesthisia...a hell on earth. I've forgotten to be a human -how sad it is. I could imagine this οnly as a movie script in a crazy dream my God. I know it's tiring to repeat the same things and apologize for this, but I feel less loneliness when someone understands me. I appreciate your support ,means a lot for me now.

 

There is no need to apologize for writing about the same symptoms if you still have them.  That's what we are here for, to support and validate what you are going through.

 

Emotional anesthesia  is a common side effect of these drugs and can be part of withdrawal.  For some people it lasts a long time.  I have it and it makes life very difficult.   Other people will try and understand, thinking its like something they have felt, like a few days of feeling bored and unmotivated, but its not the same. Its not depression and its not OCD, but it can look like what those labels describe.  Withdrawal can look like a lot of other things.  I know how frustrating it is to have other people keep saying..... "do this and do that"

 

Pushing yourself to do things you used to enjoy, might help. Or maybe something new. I think there is a stage of recovery where this is important.  I only have my own experience and what I've read here, but I think its a matter of gently pushing yourself towards recovery, but also paying very close attention to how everything is effecting you.  I tried too much too soon, I was trying to go for walks when I was feeling really bad and it made me feel worse.  I tried to take up hobbies, but I had no energy for creativity and it drained what energy I did have.  But now I've learned to find a balance between my thoughts about what I should be doing and what my body is telling me.

 

I like what Rhi wrote here:

I think it is helpful to do things that you know used to bring you pleasure, or that you know are good for you when you are normal. Even little things like smelling flowers, or bigger things (important but hard to do right now) like going for a walk or at least getting some exercise at home. 

 

I don't know if it really matters but for me, I feel like it is important to try to do a little of those things.

 

But I'm so sorry, there is really nothing I know of that will take those feelings away, other than time. (Or rather, bring those feelings back. But for me it's like anhedonia is a terrible feeling in itself, even if it is a deadness of sorts.)

 

In our Symptoms and Self Care section there is a lot written about mindfulness and mindfulness meditation. I find that type of technique helpful for dealing with suffering that can't be avoided. I think Gia has good stuff on her website too (Beyond Meds).

 

There isn't anything which 'cures' damage done by psychiatric drugs, there is no way to speed up recovery from withdrawal.  Our brain and nervous system can heal, but it takes time, just like it takes a certain time for a broken bone to heal. We cant do anything to make bones heal faster than they can, but we can do things to make ourselves feel better while we are waiting.  I think its the same with healing from withdrawal and psyche drug damage.  If getting up, going for a walk, smelling flowers and socializing with friends makes you feel better, even slightly better, or just distracts you from the suffering for a while, then its worth making the effort to do it.  But if it makes you feel worse, or causes increased symptoms, then its not time to do those things.

 

I've been going through this for several years now, and one thing its forced me to do is to look to myself for answers, to ask myself what I need in each moment to take care of myself.  Perhaps, temporarily not being able to feel things for other people, or being able to connect on an emotional level is a kind of protection, so that we direct our attention where its most needed at this time, towards ourselves and our own healing process.

 

I wish I could write that I'm fully healed and that from my own experience I can say that emotions and feelings return completely, but I'm still going through it and all I know is what others have written, that normal emotions do come back, slowly over time.

 

So hang in there Ricardo, like many others here, we will get through this, one day at a time.

[ricardo7]

Petu, thanks for your complete answer. The main reason I'm on the verge of suicide now is the Xanax.  I'm afraid too much about the side effects of this poison due to the long term use. This should not be prescribed for over a month and I am taking this almost four years (!) on a daily basis. I know there are many others long - term users but the big difference for me is the severe adverse reaction or W/D(?) to Paxil one year ago and the unbearable side effects , emotional anesthisia and PSSD. If I was free from drugs ,things would be a little bit better and more controlled... but xanax is an additional nightmare and a huge problem. Τhere are innumerable problems of long - term use like emotional blunting, depression, sleep abnormalities etc. beyond  the problems of tolerance and dependence.  I don't have any benefit from the use now and my dose is high (1.5mg of xanax  is roughly equivalent to 25mg of valium!!!!! -it is very potent). Maybe I have developed  tolerance...On the other side benzo W/D is bigger hell. Ι don't Know what to do...sometimes I feel ready to give up. Μy mind can not control these all together...

[Petunia]

How are you taking the xanax?  Do you take it once per day, or in divided doses?  Xanax has a very short half life and can cause interdose withdrawal symptoms. If you are taking it once per day, it would be better to split it into 4 or 5 equal doses to be taken at regular times through the day and night.  Please start a topic for yourself in our members only benzo forum, you will get better support there for benzo related issues there, here is the link:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/forum/29-members-only-benzo-tapering-discussion/

 

Also, read through the topics, especially the ones pinned at the top.

 

We have members who are tapering off a benzo and doing ok, it doesn't have to be hard once you become stable and then taper slowly.

[ricardo7]

Petu, sorry for the late reply, I can't even find the motivation to write.  I am really doing very bad and  I don't think to  exist like this any longer...

Ι am taking xanax 4 times through  the day now.

 

I have still zero emotions, zero libido-sexual function. Τhe more desperate is that PSSD is permanent at 99,9%. I appreciate any support (generally speaking)but Ι don't want other false hopes at least about PSSD ...There are 4-5 recovery stories in whole internet from 5000 suffers! What quality of life can have a young man without sexuality? A man with insensitive genital organs who is unable to feel attraction, passion and love for a woman ? Come on, this is not life. I could not imagine that there is a so horrible thing like genital anesthesia. NEVER! It's very inhuman -nobody deserves this castration. And all these from a drug? Μy human identity is destroyed FROM A DRUG IN 2014? And only 10-20 doctors IN WHOLE THE  WORLD realize (or want to understand) what is happening? hahaha ! Only in Hollywood guys!

 

I am dramatic but my brain  can' t tolerate this..

[tjs19]

It may not make you feel better, but I stopped taking zoloft a year ago and my sexual function has improved a little. It's not good enough yet but things are noticeably better than they used to be. Women became attractive again maybe five months ago. So hang in there, all the negative PSSD stories (and on-SSRI stories) drown out examples of actual recovery of sexual function.

[ricardo7]

tjs19, thanks for your post. There are many PSSD types and many degrees of severity .Unfortunately, after a lot of research, my belief and my intuition is  that the type of mine with genital anesthesia is permanent. I still hope I'm wrong...

Ιf you have only erectile dysfuction and some problems with libido  is much more easy to see improvements  or to recover. Also, is easier to live with this type of dysfuction and finally you can control these problems with the help of medicines. Βut genital anesthesia -mainly- ruins completely the sexual experience. This symptom is really inhuman and I don't Know what the hell happens in my brain and my genital organs are constantly dead.

[ricardo7]

Today I went to a psychiatrist in the hospital and he later said to my father that PSSD and especially  genital anesthesia is probably a delusional thought...Ιn other words I am psychotic..

[Altostrata]

Well, the hospital psychiatrist is wrong.

 

Please focus on your benzo situation. Do you have any symptoms related to the Xanax?

 

Please see http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/forum/29-members-only-benzo-tapering-discussion/
 

[bubble]

As we said two months ago, those of us taking Xanax experience a major difference when we start taking it every 4-5 hours because that is the half-life of Xanax and after 4-5 hours we get intedose withdrawal. 

 

I would strongly suggest you do learn how to do that. You are right that it is very addictive and nasty but you have to do something about it. First spread out the dose throught day and night (see my signature about how I do it).  In February I was at 2 mg and now I'm down to 1.34. It's moving. 

 

I was hit by devastating anhedonia at the age of 19. I didn't notice PSSD at that age but I was completely dead on the inside in every respect. I could hadly feel any pain. But it passed. It took some time which looked like eternity, it was very gradual but it passed. But we have to fight.

[ricardo7]

Ιt's almost impossible to understand what is from xanax and what from paxil because the side effects and the W/D symptoms are similar. However, as I said in my first post, I didn't notice emotional anesthesia while I was only on xanax. I did have occasional dizziness, brain fog and minor anxiety (and for this reason I did the biggest  mistake of my life taking again the paxil poison)  but I was fuctional. Once I got the paxil I felt my emotions blunted and after 3-4 weeks I was anhedonic. I mentioned it to my "doctor" and he told me that it wasn't the drug. I decided to stop it  and the anhedonia and my sexual function worsened 1,000,000 times after c/t...

The previous times that I got SSRI's my sexual fuction was returning to normal after 3-4 days and  I believed that any side-effect will be solved with the cessation.

 

Bubble, I am taking the Xanax  every 5-6 hours now but I have no relief. Ι feel only a little  more relaxed.

[bubble]

It's good that you are taking Xanax as regularly and steadily as possible and that it is already showing some results.

 

I don't think Xanax is connected to anhedonia but it's the only thing you can do now to make yourself feel better in general while waiting for the lights to get on again...

 

Anhedonia is one of the most awful and a very persistent symptom. It just take stime and a lot of time at that. What we can find facilitating recovery is gently pushing yourself to do things that used to make you feel good, expose yourself to stimuli, even do things mechanically while waiting for this spark to turn on again. It gets better.

 

Have you been checking the thread on anhedonia in Symptoms in self-care? There are many useful tips on how to deal with it.

[Altostrata]

Emotional anesthesia is a well-known side effect of SSRIs.

[ricardo7]

I am  dead... I can't

[Petunia]

Are you still suffering with anhedonia and emotional anesthesia ricardo?  What's happening now?  If you can write a little more we may be able to offer some support.

 

Did you check out the thread on anhedonia as Bubble suggested?

[ang]

 

I have lost all my feelings except from anger, sadness and anxiety. I am unable to feel love, passion, care, nostalgia, pleasure, enthousiasm, shame etc. I am too unable to relate to my surroundings, friends, neighbors, parents and anything or anyone. I am in this situation almost one year now ... If a plane crashes next to my house , I will not feel a thing. I remember only that will be a shocking fact, but the feeling would be like ..."so what"? Ha anyone else SO severe emotional problems and recovered? I don't have any windows or at least slightly better days -nor for 5 minutes Ι feel better. I have the sense of lobotomy rather than W/D, to be honest.

I don't have a person that knows what happened and  I want desperately to talk to someone face to face who is able to understand me. "You are depressed, you have OCD... it' s impossible to have numb genital organs...don't believe all the nonsenses that everyone writes on internet..." Τhe same poem from all. Ιt' very cruel , out of human limits and the pain is deep.

 

Emotional anesthisia...a hell on earth. I've forgotten to be a human -how sad it is. I could imagine this οnly as a movie script in a crazy dream my God. I know it's tiring to repeat the same things and apologize for this, but I feel less loneliness when someone understands me. I appreciate your support ,means a lot for me now.

 

Αndy, you suffered from PSSD...at what stage?

after i came off zoloft it gradually went away but took a good 6 months.On seroquel i also had terrible emotional blunting like you and didnt care about my immediate family or if a plan crashed next to my house,it was severe but It went after about 6 months after coming off,I am still on zyprexa which numbs but not as bad.

One day when I was feeling sorry for myself in hospital a nurse gave me a terrible telling off,she told me lying in bed and moping around wasnt helping me.From that day every day I would force myself to go for a walk in the country for an hour,from that day every day I felt a tiny tiny bit better.You have to push yourself a bit and engage in life again,nobody but yourself can do this for you .A diagnosis is only a label to carry and wont make you feel any better

 

thankyou.  you have come off the stuff I have, you have given me hope.. Seroquel and zoloft.  got over the effexor withdrawals (I hope), that was given up two years ago.

[ang]

Well, the hospital psychiatrist is wrong.

 

Please focus on your benzo situation. Do you have any symptoms related to the Xanax?

 

Please see http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/forum/29-members-only-benzo-tapering-discussion/

 

Why cant we have  like BUTTON FOR COMMENTS.  WELL SAID

[Muddles]

Hi Ricardo! Was thinking of you the other day. Sorry you are still in that place.

[ricardo7]

thanks for your answers.  I cant focus to write. I have EXTREME dizziness and fatigue recently  beyond the other symptoms. I feel like I have a mountain in my head Ιt s very unbearable!!!!!!!!!!Can benzos cause these symptoms? I dont know what to do. I am afraid I have severe brain damage.