johnson

Friends/Family and living with Sexual Dysfunction (PSSD)

11 posts in this topic

Hi everyone,

 

I guess this topic is directed mainly to guys, but how are you dealing and coping with sexual dysfunction issues and family/friends.

Specifically, my family is pushing me to find a woman and get married. My friends are always asking me when am I going to get a girlfriend. My friends are also trying to find me a girlfriend and everytime we go out they always pressure me to talk to girls.

Anytime I go on vacation somewhere it's always, if we can't meet girls lets go pay some money for hookers. But I don't want to do that either. If I happen to go on a date with someone the first question I get asked is did we have sex?

 

The majority of my friends are either married or in a relationship. I haven't had a girlfriend in years. People at my work are always asking me howcome I don't have a girlfriend and giving me advice on how to get one. I am 32 years old and I feel like I've fallen behind everyone and there is pressure on me to find someone and get married and have kids. My neighbors who are much younger than me have just got engaged and one is already married with kids.

Don't get me wrong I really want to be with someone, I've been dying to get a girlfriend for years. But right now because of my erection issues I haven't been trying hard to meet someone. I don't really want to be with someone because of my sexual dysfunction issues.

If I had no issues at all of course I would be looking for someone. I know women here on this website will probably say you just have to find someone that is understanding. But a lot of women my age want to get married and have kids, time is running out for them too. I also find it very embarrsing that I have problems with my erections and other sexual dysfunction issues. I don't know if I would be able to tell someone. The only way would be if the girl has some similar issues as me or has lived with anxiety/depression like I have.

This is a very private issue and embarrassing problem for me. If my friends or family ever found out about this I'd go crazy.

 

So I guess my question to the guys on this website is, what do when your family and friends bring up the topic of meeting someone and getting married? How do you deal with this? How do you handle it?

When people ask me why am I not with someone or am not looking for someone or not looking to have sex what should I say? Or when someone is trying to get me to meet women what should I do? I wouldn't be suprised if people start thinking I am a homosexual because I haven't had a girlfriend for so long.

I don't want to tell anyone the reason is because of my sexual dysfunction issues. What can I do? Should I just start avoiding everyone? I really don't know what to do. But I am really tired of this.

 

Thanks, sorry for the rant but I had to get this off my chest.

As bad as it may sound, sometimes I wish other family/friends go through what I've been through and then they would know how hard it is to live with this. And they can understand what I'm going through.

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 I know women here on this website will probably say you just have to find someone that is understanding. But a lot of women my age want to get married and have kids, time is running out for them too. I also find it very embarrsing that I have problems with my erections and other sexual dysfunction issues. I don't know if I would be able to tell someone. 

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You could have your testosterone levels checked.  My husbands levels dropped dramatically from using anti-depressants, this is a known side effect of these medications.  He now goes to a Low T center and gets a weekly injection. The plan is for him to hopefully eventually not have to continue this as he is still young but he has only been off of everything a little more than a year.  He suffered from erectile dysfunction prior to the injections but is now much much better.

 

On another note: sex is only a piece of a marriage.  Yes it's true that no sex or bad sex can lead to divorce but if someone loves you they will love all of you and be patient with this. And why would you want to marry and settle down with a woman that would jump into bed with you on the 1st date anyway?  You can still approach a relationship with a woman.  Many women will appreciate not being pressured into sex right away and believe it or not there are still women that will wait until after marriage for sex despite what the media portrays.  There are so many stages of marriage and sex often times dies down after time, don't let this hold you back.

 

 

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I have thought about this long and hard as I have not had sex in how long now... 2006 July 10th such a math some days. 

"I haven't had a girlfriend in years. People at my work are always asking me howcome I don't have a girlfriend and giving me advice on how to get one"

 

I am a woman so not everything applies but I get asked this too all the time... why not date... blah blah blah... I am so sick of hearing it too.  There are well meaning people trying to set me up all the time... I don't want to deal with it.  

 

I think you idea of finding a lady with the same issue as yourself maybe worth looking into tho I am not sure how you would go about doing that.... and if she wanted a child there is always science. I am sure they could pull something off to make it happen with all the new things they have.  Why not... at least you would both know the joy of being parents.   Wd takes so much from us already it would be a shame if that were taken too. Just think it may be a decent idea I am sure there are some out there your age or younger who have the same issues. 

I hope you find a way to work it out. 

 

I once thought of getting some testosterone too like Devastedwife suggested but being female was not sure it would hurt me... and I was told by a moderator at another forum to just wait and it would fix itself to add to the mix of drug imbalances with a hormone would just make it take longer... but apparently maybe it is not the same for men.  I don't know you would have to ask one who has tried it maybe DW husband could tell you more about it. 

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I know women here on this website will probably say you just have to find someone that is understanding. But a lot of women my age want to get married and have kids, time is running out for them too. I also find it very embarrsing that I have problems with my erections and other sexual dysfunction issues. I don't know if I would be able to tell someone.

I'm 30, have no children yet, and if I cared about you, I would be with you despite your issue. Yes, I want kids. But, if the person I marry cannot do that, then maybe they aren't in the cards. I just wanted to give you some encouragement. If you find who you are meant to be with, you can work around it. And, I believe it will resolve with time.

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im not sure if the original poster is still about, but one thing i recommend is to gain some self-confidence through learning and getting advice on non-"PIV" (penis-in-******) sexual methods.  im not saying to give up on having a more comprehensive sex life, but ED and general sexual dysfunction is not an insurmountable obstacle to procreation, if that is a primary issue, and many girls seem to appreciate other forms of stimulation.  (some even prefer them, but i dont know what percentage, or how many of those ladies are ok with not having a more immediate hope for something more...er, directly phallic.)

 

but, i guess my two points are: self-confidence is important---i am a guy and i know esteem and relational success, to varying extents, do indeed ride on ones perception of sexual ability and vitality in many cases, and you can build self-confidence in more ways than working to overcome/cope with PSSD.  and, secondly, perhaps you can find a girl who doesnt base the relationship on whether or not you are fully capable of all forms of intercourse immediately (or even, potentially, later on).

 

 

due to social differentiation, radical philosophies, general wildness, anxiety, and fringe compatibility, i have spent most of my life romantically uninvolved as well.  people who grew up with me figured, especially by high school, that i was some form of alien or asexual because i was so withheld and selective about my sexual preferences and particular female interests.  especially now that its a decade later and almost everyone i knew back then, and most people ive gotten to know since then (including exes), are married, and even having kids...it is quite awkward, and enhancing the natural loneliness my situation of otherliness and differentiation already brought to bear.

 

kids i helped raise as a teenager are getting married and starting families, for chrissake, and that is, in some ways, completely demoralizing, not that im interested in starting a family with cublings and such.  not just because my progress in finding a partner has seemed rather delayed and rarely even partially fruitful, but also because my sense of time and chronology and order were so impacted by the medications that i feel around 7 years younger than i really am.  i dont fit in their time OR mine, and, in quickly approaching my 30s, i am even more skeptical than ever about the prospect of there being a truly fitting individual.

 

in taking heavy antipsychotics, and subsequently withdrawing in dramatic and painful ways from them, i have experienced varying degrees of dysfunction.  it was difficult, and occurred during multiple of the string of relationships i managed across the past decade, but since i often dated people who suffered at least some of the 'mental disorders' i was diagnosed with, many were relatively understanding of the struggle and we were still able to have mutually satisfactory interactions.  (luckily, basically all of my relationships fell in the period before the meds completely axed my entire sexuality for a few years, and even the ones that came after that were not as impinged in my withdrawal as they would have been by the utter zombification of previous.)

 

 

so, ultimately, i think you should, in a non-confrontational manner, accept that you arent actually different in a way meaningful to your humanity, and people who try to frame and treat you that way will learn their lessons in due time.  not in some vindictive way, but acknowledging that experience is the granter of wisdom, and some people are just not ready for the wisdom others may have.  i cant really give you a 'youll find her someday' pep talk, because my faith in the serious and monogamous drive towards partnership as perpetuated by a mutually interested female party is shaky (or steeped in denial) at best, but i can at least reiterate what i have heard, and others here have said: you are acceptable, and beyond that enjoyable, to some of the potential partners out there.  finding them can be tough, and not all of them will be otherwise compatible, but what youre hoping for, in the practical sense, does at least exist.

 

i dont think contextless advice for handling particular individuals and challenging social situations would be of much help, so ill close this by expressing my approval of your ironically chosen username.  (or maybe ive made a terrible mistake in misunderstanding, in which case i apologize, and should express that i dont feel you should hold yourself as shameful in any way for experiencing side effects.)

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Thank you all for taking the time to reply on my topic. I know everyone has their own issues to deal with and I thank you for dropping by. Sorry if I sound selfish talking about myself and my experiences.

 

Even when I can mentally get myself past the sexual dysfunction issues and decide I want to be with someone, the other problem I have is I get tension headaches on a regular basis.

The problem with this is that when it gets bad it's almost like I am completely disabled. It's hard to function and live life. On the days where my headaches are really bad, I would basically somehow manage to get through work, come home eat some food and then lay down in bed for the rest of the night. That's why sometimes I would rather wait till the worst of my recovery is over so I can put my attention towards someone. But on the other hand I'd probably be the happiest person alive if I could find someone who is nice and understanding. This whole thing is so difficult for me.

 

So I feel like if my hands aren't tied because of sexual dysfunction, they are tied because of headaches.

 

One other thing that bothers me, is that I feel like I'm stuck. I'm still at home with my parents at 32. I really want to move out and live on my own but the days that I get really bad headaches I'm thankful that I still live at home otherwise I would be screwed. Even before all this started I struggled with finding a girlfriend for a very long time, when I finally did meet someone who was interested in me I started having sexual dysfunction issues! If bothers my everyday that people have moved on but I'm still living in the same home for the past 20-25 years. Sometimes I can forget it and let it go...

 

I just hope things will get better and I keep sticking to my plan. Which is to recover and then work on my goals in life.

(It's been almost 28 months since I've taken any pills or supplements, I've been checked out by my doctor for various tests and everything always comes back fine, I am going for an MRI to see if there is any issues with my head/neck for my headaches)

 

I hope everything gets better for you all and you will get past this and recover and accomplish everything you set out for in life and will do what makes you happy and live in peace!

thanks invisibleunless, btdt, wildflower and devastedwife for your kind comments and sharing your personal experience with me. It's definitely helped.

 

P.S. the name Johnson was just a coincidence

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I know there are other ways of having kids and sexual dysfunction isn't "the end of the world", but I want to do it the natural way. Sex is one of life's greatest pleasures. Especially when it's with someone you are really in love with. There's nothing more to it for me then that.

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Your not selfish at all..it's good to share stuff that is troubling you..

 

Due to all this 'stuff' with ad and withdrawal, I moved back home at 31 and I cannot get out now as I'm terrified to be alone. I also cannot work so it would be difficult to be able to move out just now anyway. It bothers me also that people have moved on and I seem to be stuck, but that's just how it is for now..

 

All the best to you.

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Your not selfish at all..it's good to share stuff that is troubling you..

 

Due to all this 'stuff' with ad and withdrawal, I moved back home at 31 and I cannot get out now as I'm terrified to be alone. I also cannot work so it would be difficult to be able to move out just now anyway. It bothers me also that people have moved on and I seem to be stuck, but that's just how it is for now..

 

All the best to you.

Thanks for dropping by. At least I know I'm not alone.

 

I really hope things get better for you.

 

Take care.

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There were some words of wisdom on here from Wildflower.  Yes, many women want kids, but anyone who loves you will LOVE YOU ANYWAY.  I'd like kids, but these meds may have wrecked my chances.  I would hope a guy would understand that, and if I knew a guy couldn't have kids for medical reasons, I'd understand.

Besides, adoption is a beautiful possibility, too!

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