goldieloc: My Introduction - Trying to stop Lexapro + more :)

[goldieloc]

Hello guys,

 

Although I am new to the forum, I've been battling anxiety and panic attacks since I was 18. I am 28 now, still alive and kicking  I live in Bulgaria, it's a small country in Eastern Europe - don't worry if you haven't heard it, I probably wouldn't have too if I didn't live here  

 

For the last 10 years I've changed several antidepressants and psychiatrists. Too bad that most of them didn't know anything about therapy, they were mostly drug dealers. For the first 5 years I had several episodes of nervous breakdown, then I went to get help, I was put on an antidepressants ,an year will pass, I will stop them because I felt good, then couple of months later I will be back starting different pill every time. I even don't remember what I took. I only remember the first pill that I was prescribed was Lexapro 10mg, stopped cold turkey and didn't look back, no problems whatsoever. But that was then. Now I know that I didn't need the pills constantly, there was nothing permanently wrong with my brain, the problem was the way that I conditioned it to respond to even slightest anxiety and strange thoughts. Pretty stupid of me considering that I am very anxious and emotional person by nature.

 

Around 4-5 years ago, after another onset of panic attacks and anxiety I saw a new specialist that put me on Effexor 2x75 mg. What they said to me was, "Don't stop the pills prematurely this time and they will cure you!" I didn't stop and after 3 years the Effexor was starting to lose it's effect, I guess I grew accustomed to the drug. I got angry and changed the doctor again. The new doc put me on Celexa for around 3 months, then an immediate change to Anafranil for 7-8 months. Since I didn't receive any therapy again, I decided to look for a new doctor. Years of anxiety developed obsessive thoughts, extremely repulsive and completely against my personality. In retrospection I can see now that it was nothing new. Just the anxiety trying to get my attention using new tricks, but then I thought I was turning into a freak. I found an "OCD therapist" after long and tiring search. I put it in semicolon because his therapy was in fact large doses of Cipralex, known here as Lexapro. I was put on 30mg per day. This change was extreme again, one day large dose of Anafranil, the other day I was on the Lexapro. I remember how he said to me "No problem, just switch them..." Now I understand how high that dose was, but nobody told me **** then. I didn't know how addictive this drug was.

 

So with time I started to see how regardless of the drug that I was on to, I still had my episodes of panic and anxiety and decided that it is time to stop the suffering and start changing things. I knew that all that suffering made me the strong compassionate person that I am today and I wanted to challenge myself.

 

I had to change the way I think, I stopped avoiding things that I was afraid of, I started exercising, eating healthy, yoga, meditation, mindfulness ,etc I continue to search for the silver lining, but it is complex. I am still at the beginning of my healing journey, but I believe in myself, and have the determination to be the person that I want to be. I accept that I will always have ups and downs, but I think I don't need medication to go through this anymore.

 

So, this is for my introduction, far longer than I initially intended. I suppose I owe it to your community, since I am the one that is asking for help/advice.

 

So, regarding the stopping of the Lexapro:

 

As I said, I was at 30 mg for an year. I started decreasing 30-25-20-15-10 for about 4-5 months. Every 3-4 weeks I will decrease the dose that I'm taking. Everything was cool until the jump from 10-5 mg. I experienced all of the nasty physical symptoms, I thought that I was messed up for good, then after 3 weeks I read some information and started taking B-Complex vitamins and Omega-3-6-9 fish oil. They really helped with the brain zaps, brain fog, vertigo and problems with focusing my vision. I decided to go from 5mg to Nothing (Yeah, I know now this is a frickin' 50% decrease, but I thought I was doing ok) on the 28th of July. I wanted to do it slower, but here in Bulgaria there is no liquid version of the drug and I didn't know about the homemade solution. So this is 36 days ago. Withdrawal symptoms started after the 6th day and they are coming and going since then. The problem is that I think I am getting worse with time instead the opposite. It's not a matter of Can I take it, of course I can take it, but What is the best for me and my brain is what I am interested in.

 

These are the withdrawal symptoms bother me currently:

 

- I have extreme anxiety and panic attacks. Worse then when I initially started taking pills for it. I guess this is what they call "rebound anxiety'. I stay mindful and conscious, but it is very hard to see the big picture and stay positive when I am shaking all day and night. Of course all obsessive thoughts that I thought were in the past, but I don't care so much, I just shrug them of, I know this is due to the constant anxiety and will pass with time.

- I have trouble sleeping

- I have an extreme anger problem. I am one of the most polite guys you will ever meet and now I find myself shouting to people and being overly aggressive.

- Trivial things make me cry from anger or nostalgic joy (the last one is not so bad)

- there are other things like sweating, earthquake like feelings, shivering, headache but they don't bother me as much.

 

So, I am Lexapro free for 36 days. The severity of the withdrawal I think is due to the many jump changes of my medication that sensitized my brain. My question is, it is too late to reintroduce 5mg Lexapro in my system and start tethering from there using your well documented method 10% per month? I know there is no definite answer, as we are all different, but you have seen hundreds of stories and might give me some advice. I suppose I will be eventually okay either way, but I want to be smart about it. (little too late, but still). Maybe there is similar information somewhere on the site, but I don't want to read all the stories, because some of them are pretty scary and I am very obsessive at the moment. Just one post of a person that suffers for 2-3 years leads to nasty panic attacks and negative thinking and I have to go to bed soon, so I can't search endlessly for answers 

 

IMPORTANT! Don't let my story change your entire perspective on doctors and medication. I am sure there are good specialists that can really help, I just didn't have that luck. DON'T stop medication and therapy without consulting your doctor. Please, just have in mind that not all doctors are all-knowing and don't be afraid to ask questions when it comes to YOUR health.

 

Thank you so much for keeping this place alive and helping people with nothing in return. All the good things that you do will come back to you sooner or later!

 

Regards,

 

Nikolay.

[Rhiannon]

Hi Nikolay!

 

I know about Bulgaria, I do international folk dancing as a hobby and love the dances and the music from your region, it's the best! Some of them are very challenging and athletic, though. I watch other people do those. :-)

 

It's not too late to reinstate on 5 mg. Given how fast you tapered that's probably a good dose to reinstate to. You came down so fast, what you are experiencing now is not just from going off the drug altogether, it's also from those past reductions still catching up with you. 

 

Given your history I have to say that there's a good chance if you don't reinstate that you could be suffering for a long time. (Actually you would probably end up back on meds, that's what usually happens.) Withdrawal symptoms often get worse over time, or they fade and then come back three to six months later worse than ever and don't go away. We find that for people in your situation absolutely the best chance of having a good outcome is to reinstate now, then take some time to stabilize. 

 

Take a look in the Tapering forum where it explains how to make your own liquid, so you can get the right dose.

 

I'm so glad you came here now, instead of three or four months from now when you're suffering intolerable pain and reinstatement is much more unreliable.

 

I have to run now, time to go run errands and go to work, but other people will be coming by soon to say hello and offer advice. Meanwhile I recommend reading the topics "pinned" at the tops of the various sections, the FAQs, the tapering topics, the links there.

 

And I very, very highly recommend you get and read the book Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker. I think there is probably a translation into your native tongue, but if there isn't, your English is brilliant so you can probably read it in English. (And probably a couple of other languages as well, I would guess!) I think you will find it fascinating and also full of information that you've been wondering about.

 

Good luck, talk to you later!

[Petunia]

Hi Nikolay, welcome and thank you for sharing your story. 

 

I'm one of those people who came off lexapro too fast and have been suffering for a long time.  My situation is a little different though.  I agree with Rhi that you should seriously consider reinstating. Reinstatement is best done immediately upon appearance of withdrawal symptoms. The more time that passes, the less likely it is to work. Here is some information about it:  http://survivinganti...rawal-symptoms/

 

Here is the link with information about how to make a liquid from tablets or capsules:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2693-how-to-make-a-liquid-from-tablets-or-capsules/

 

Please stay in touch and let us know what you decide.

 

Petu.

[goldieloc]

Hello and Thanks for the warm welcome!

 

I just took 5mg after almost 6 weeks off the medication and I am sweating and shaking like hell. High anxiety and vertigo. Let's hope I am just freaking out and it's not a bad reaction.

 

Right now I am at the office with 40 people around me, I took the 5mg pill in the bathroom and I am back at my desk looking and the monitor with an empty scared look. I guess I look exactly like a rabbit that saw a hawk in the sky. I really hope going back on the drug was not a mistake.

 

Sorry if I don't make much sense, but it is so difficult even to create correct sentences at the moment.

 

I will try to stay in touch.

[bubble]

Hi Nikolay,

 

I also reinstated Lexapro at 5 mg after being off of it for 40 days. Except that I wasn't taking more than 10 mg and for a few months I was stable on 5 mg and then stopped at 2.5 mg. 

 

I didn't have such a reaction as you describe. It usually takes 4 days for the change to register. Note down your symptoms carefully and then we will see how things develop. 

 

I would say that reinstating the drug was by no means a mistake but it could be that your CNS got so sensitised that even 5 mg is too much for it now.

 

Keep us posted and take care.

 

bubble

[goldieloc]

Thanks Bubble!

 

I think that my CNS is so sensitized at the moment that even the slightest change or external intervention from any chemical is multiplied heavily. Even If I drink a coffee, it affects me very bad.

 

I also find it very hard to separate what is a "real" symptom and what is caused by the constant panic and anxiety and my sensitized brain. How can I?! After all, everything seems so real now But I am almost sure that 15 minutes after I took the pill, my anxiety escalated and I feel that the building and my desk is shaking fro time to time.

 

Your reassurance, that reinstating the 5mg was not a mistake is helping a lot man, many thanks. Cause right now, I am doubting everything. I will try to take it at least for 5 days and see what happens.

[pokiok]

Hi Goldie,

 

I am also a person who tried to get off Lexapro, albeit improperly (much too fast) and paid the price. Lasted about a month and a half before the severe symptoms hit and I gave it almost three months before I went back on it.  I had severe anxiety to the point where I couldn't eat, or do much of anything. Sitting was about it. You've got loads of support and information here, glad you found us!

 

Best!

[Rhiannon]

I think reinstating is a good idea, certainly. But from your reaction it seems possible that 5 mg is too much. That often happens after people have been off a med for a while, the nervous system is too sensitized.

 

You may want to try a smaller dose tomorrow. Perhaps 2 mg or 2.5 mg and see what happens. If you find the overstimulation is less on 2-3 mg, that might be a better dose for you. You can even try 1 mg, we find even those small doses help. 

 

Actually even very small doses of these drugs have considerable effect. Have you seen the paper in the Tapering section? Here's a link: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6036-why-taper-paper-demonstrates-importance-of-gradual-change-in-plasma-concentration/

[goldieloc]

Hello guys,

 

 

Thank you so much for your input. Tomorrow morning I will go get a pill cutter and try to be really precise to get the 2.5 mg dose. Or I can try to take 5mg again tomorrow and see If I get the same result. If it is, then I can go to 2,5mg. Here in Bulgaria the only option is 10mg pills, but I think I can be precise enough to get it around 2,5 mg. If I did not succeed, I guess I should learn the liquefaction method.

[bubble]

Making liquid solution is actually not at all complicated. Giving 5 mg another try makes sense. But if you get another reaction like that, take less as Rhi suggested.

 

How have your symptoms been for the rest of the day? 

 

You will be fine

[goldieloc]

Hey Bubble!

 

After I had a bad panic attack after I took the pill, I calmed as the day progressed. At least a bit, because I am highly anxious all day for the last 20 days anyways.

Throughout the day I had 4-5 episodes when I thought, everything was vibrating/shaking hard, but I guess it is normal, as the withdrawal gave me the same sensations in the beginning. I suppose I am most susceptible to problems with the vestibular system. I feel as everything is slightly trembling, but with so much stress lately it makes sense, as there are nerve endings everywhere in my body.

 

I will keep you updated. Thanks again, really appreciate the support!

[goldieloc]

Hello again!

 

Not a good night, I was so amped up I couldn't sleep at all. I took 3 showers and drank 4 cups of tea throughout the night, but didn't help. I went for a stroll between 5-6 AM and it was raining heavily, it was kinda surreal I suppose I would try with 2,5 mg today.

 

Catch ya later!

[bubble]

It really seems 5 mg is too much for you. 

 

Keep us posted. Now is not a good time but when you feel up to it would be good to put details of your drug history in your signature so that we can see what is going on every time you post. Thsi will also be godo for your own record keeping. The instructions on how to do it are here:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/893-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/

 

take care,

bubble

[goldieloc]

Hello,

 

I just took a 2.5 mg dose (approximately), my nervous system is so f**ked up at the moment that I can't possibly say if there is a big difference between 5 and 2,5 mg. I think it is better that I go with 2,5 for couple of days and see what will happen. I can always go up if I get better.

 

I was already extremely anxious, so it makes sense that with reinstatement of the drug it will get worse for a while. With these pills it always get worse when you start them.

 

I will try to do the signature, but I can't remember half of the medications that I have taken, it was so long ago. I will try to collect my thoughts and at least put the medication that I took the last couple of years.

 

Cheers guys!

[bubble]

Reinstatement doesn't take all the symtoms away, especially not immediately. As I said, it takes aroud 4 days for the change in medication to register. So I would advise you to stick with 2.5 mg for some time now no matter what. There are no quick fixes in this situation. However, changes further disrupt the CNS which thrives on stability.

 

In such situation keeping things stable and simple is our best bet. Reacting to symptoms out of fear makes things only worse. That's why the period after reinstatement is so difficult: withdrawal is still kicking in hard, this causes great fear which fuels anxiety and we feel the need to do something, absolutely anything to make things better. The best we can do is to try to stay calm and patient. The weekend is coming soon so you should feel better by Monday. Again, look for tiny improvements at first.

 

There are a lot of great tips here which helped me survive that period. I could do hardly anything else except reading about what was hapeping to me in order to keep my head about the water. Try with this thread: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6632-the-rule-of-3kis-keep-it-simple-keep-it-slow-keep-it-stable/

 

best,

bubble

[goldieloc]

Hi Bubble,

 

I found it almost funny that the symptoms that I have after I started the drug again are the same ones as when I was trying to get of off it, but stronger.

Mostly if I stay still I feel like everything is shaking, I can see the edge of my glasses is slightly shaking. Of course, I am sure this is amplified by the anxiety. It appears my system is trying to accept the medicine again.

 

I will stay on 2.5 mg as you advised, time to stop the changes and look for stability.

 

Any advice about the insomnia, something that can help me sleep? No benzos and heavy tranquilizer though, I dumped them in the toilet long ago, so I won’t take them in a moment of panic/despair. To be honest, I am afraid to take anything stronger than an aspirin at the moment. Couple of months ago I was drinking Red Bull and drinking coffee with no problems, now I'm like a senior citizen, lol

 

Thank you and best regards!

[bubble]

Getting rid of benzos was a very good decision. What were you taking, at what does and how long? When did you stop taking them? What form does your insomnia take?

 

Here is our thread here on sleeping problems. I believe you will find something that will work for you. When you find the time it would be good to fill in your signature with your drug history.

Sleep problems

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/604-important-topics-about-symptoms-including-sleep-problems/

 

Keep us posted about the symptoms. 

[goldieloc]

For all 10 years I have not taken more than a bottle of Clonazepam 0.5mg and a blister of Xanax, that's why I didn't mention it before. I took them very seldom and after some time I just decided that I don't want to have them in my appartment. 

[bubble]

sorry I had to ask. My friend recently got anxious,was prescribed Xanax and little in his case meant a box with 30 0.5 mg pills in 30 days ;(

 

yours is really little;)

[goldieloc]

Hello again,

 

Just took the 2,5 mg dose. Today is the 3rd day after reinstatement. I feel like my head is shaking all the time and I have twitches in my eyes (muscles that control the eye movement and focusing)  and the weird artefacts we see when we you almost close your eyes and watch against the light are more noticable and annoying.

 

When I take the pill the shaking worsens for couple of hours, then it gets a little bit better. That's why I decided to take it at noon.

 

Not a good idea to stay in front of the monitor now. I will go for a walk, when I am moving I don't notice the symptoms as much. I know it's normal to have these reactions considering the circumstance, but they are scary nontheless.

 

Cheers guys! Have an awesome weekend!

[goldieloc]

Another sleepless night. I got around 2 hours of sleep, though, better than nothing I guess.
The constant shaking and trembling continues. I really hope it would go away soon enough. I am really afraid to take the 2,5mg dose again, but I will do it. Can't afford more abrupt changes for the moment, all af you were pretty clear on that.

 

Sorry for being such a little girl about it, I'm trying to be strong and calm, but this is scaring the crap out of me

 

I really hope your weekend is more enjoyable than mine

[bubble]

Hi,

 

you should give yourself some credit and not apologise for "being a little girl"... In my humble opinion, this is one of the worst and most horrifying experiences a human being can go through. The very core of who we are is attacked.

 

I remember my reinstatement. I just felt like the cart that had been going down the hill at an increasing speed stopped and remained hanging precariously. I was still suffering badly for months but was hanging for little windows of normalcy that would open here and there. This thread helped me a lot to survive: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/82-the-windows-and-waves-pattern-of-recovery/

 

I would also warmly recommend magnesium and Omega 3: 

King of Supplements: Omega 3 Fatty Acids (Fish Oil) and Magnesium, Nature's Calcium Channel Blocker

 

 

There are no quick fixes. Not even the right dose. Only time and stability bring recovery very gradually. The longer we were off the drug, the longer it will take and 36 days is pretty long. 5 mg to zero is a pretty big jump and 30 mgs a high dose. You will get better but it will take time. 

 come here as long as you need. And once again, look for however tiny signs of improvement and try to disregard the overall picture.

Edited September 8, 2014 by Petu
fixed links

[goldieloc]

Hi Bubble!

 

Yes, I think it would take more time. I can not expect quick fix unfortunately, I didn't think 4 days will be enough in the first place, it's too short of a time. I should give myself at least 7-14 days. It's just that since I got back on the Lexapro I feel way worse than before, but as they say, the night is darkest just before the dawn. Sometimes I find myself wondering if going back on the pill messed me up permanently and I freak out, anxiety is a bi*ch 

 

The physical symptoms are excruciating, I feel like I have Parkinson’s, that's why I can't sleep. Everything is shaking, I feel pressure and buzzing in my ears and have troubles with my vision(tunnel vision, strange artefacts). I am very sensitive to light and sounds.

 

Just keeping a journal, so other folks can compare or find comfort. I think the severity of my reaction to the drug was also due to the 2-3 weeks of extreme anxiety that sensitized my brain a lot. The reinstatement of the Lexapro was just the topping of the cake.

 

About the supplements that I take:

I take B-complex 50mg (GNC) and 2-3 Omega Fish Oils (Barleans, but I think I would try another brand after) I take them for 2 months and I didn't want to stop them as any further changes might aggravate the instability of my brain.

 

I will try the Magnesium. How much do you think is a good dose? I don't want massive amounts as I eat 1-2 bananas per day. It's like the only food that I eat when I'm stressed out.

 

I think I can pat myself on the back though, I have slept 1 hour last night, 2 hours the day before, but now I am at the office working. Far from fully productive, but it is better than feeling sorry for myself and watching the white wall at home.

 

Have a nice day everybody!

[mammaP]

Hi Goldielocs,  I just noticed that you are taking a vitamin B complex. You may do well to leave off that for a 

few days and see if you feel any better. B vitamins can be too activating in withdrawal and may be worsening the

insomnia.  Start low with magnesium and build up, too much causes diarrhoea, that is the body getting rid of the

excess.  You can get tablets that can be halved. Epsom salts baths are brilliant and very relaxing. Epsom salts are

magnesium and it is absorbed through the skin, You need at least a good cup full ( I use 2-3 cups and buy in bulk online) .

 

Here is a thread on magnesium. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1300-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

[goldieloc]

Hello Mamma!

 

I thought the exact opposite, that the B-Complex is helping with the withdrawal I'll skip tomorrow and see how it goes. I will try the Magnesium for sure.

 

It appears that even that I was taking 30mg per day for many months, the tiny 2.5 mg is a lot for me now. But I don't want to make any more changes. I have taken 2.5 mg for 5 days and I think I should stick with it. If the tremors/shaking/vision disturbances/insomnia/ go for more than 10 days, I will consider going down with the dosage.

 

But I think I should hold for a while. It is not uncommon for people that never took the medicine before to have similar symptoms although not so strong in intensity.

 

Best regards,

 

Nikolay

[Petunia]

It's just that since I got back on the Lexapro I feel way worse than before...

 

The physical symptoms are excruciating, I feel like I have Parkinson’s, that's why I can't sleep. Everything is shaking, I feel pressure and buzzing in my ears and have troubles with my vision(tunnel vision, strange artefacts). I am very sensitive to light and sounds.

 

 

...the tiny 2.5 mg is a lot for me now. But I don't want to make any more changes. I have taken 2.5 mg for 5 days and I think I should stick with it. If the tremors/shaking/vision disturbances/insomnia/ go for more than 10 days, I will consider going down with the dosage.

 

But I think I should hold for a while.

 

Nikolay, I think you may be having a bad reaction to reinstatement and perhaps holding longer is not a good idea:

• Sometimes reinstatement does not work. The nervous system has taken such a hard hit from withdrawal, it's destabilized beyond whatever effect the drug might have had.
• Sometimes reinstatement not only does not work, it causes an adverse reaction from a nervous system sensitized by withdrawal. If you have an immediate bad reaction, reduce or stop taking the drug.

   

  If, upon reinstatement, you very soon feel worse, most likely you are sensitized to the drug and need to take a smaller dosage or, possibly, none at all.

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/3079-about-reinstating-and-stabilizing-to-stop-withdrawal-symptoms/

 

If I were you, I would drop down to 1mg, and give it 4 days to see if there is any improvement.  If reinstatement of a dose is going to help, you should feel better, slightly better or no change at all within 4 days....not worse.

[goldieloc]

Hi Petu,

 

Yesterday evening I felt better. I was falling asleep in the bus. When I got home I was wide awake again, but felt better. I had a good dinner and wached a movie and had fun. Around 1 AM I fell asleep and slept for 7 hours, even though I woke up once. I think this is an improvement. This was after 5 days on 2,5 mg.

 

Of course, after reading the above I had a heavy panic attack and wondering what to do again. I know you're just trying to help, no worries.

 

I'll come back after calming down and decide on future actions.

 

Best regards!

[goldieloc]

Hello guys,

 

First of all I am very anxious and panicky. Kinda like a loaded gun if you know what I mean. Even a strong sudden noise can cause severe panic that can keep me shaking for hours after. It was not uncommon in the past to have resless legs for weeks, chest pains, trouble breathing, vertigo etc just from exhausted sensitized brain.

I think this contributes a lot to the symptoms that I am feeling. Yes the shaking/tremors and insomnia are due to the reintroduction of the drug for sure, but even if they are around 40% of the issue, I think the anxious response of my consious and subconsious mind fills out the other 60% of the symptoms. If I am just starting to get use to the medicine again I don't want to go through the shocks, brain zaps and dizzyness so soon again.

 

However, I think that you are right and I should try with 1mg if I am not better until tomorrow I had to take the 2,5 again today (6th day of reinstatement) since I am not home and there is no way to measure this at work. Right now I am using a digital scale to measure the half of a half pill (2,5mg) I'll see if I can use the same method to measure 1/5th of a half a pill. If not it is time to go liquid, which I avoided, 'cause I cant distribute the medicine perfectly in the solution.

 

Sorry if I'm being a hard case, but I am trying my best. I am scared, but I really don't want to search for a new psychiatrist to consult with, since they brought me here in the first place.

 

Take care everybody!

[Petunia]

I'm sorry my reply caused you to have a panic attack, I hope you are feeling better now.  Based on what you have written, it sounds like your symptoms have become worse since reinstating, but only you can know for certain if you are feeling worse.  Its a good idea to keep notes on paper about symptoms, when they occur and how severe.  This way you can get a clear picture of your progress.

 

Only you can decide if reinstatement is helping or making you feel worse.

 

I don't know if lexapro is available in your country as a liquid, you could ask your pharmacist.  Or you can make your own liquid from tablets, here is a topic which explains how to do it:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2693-how-to-make-a-liquid-from-tablets-or-capsules/

[goldieloc]

Hi Petu,

 

When I came here, I was worried about the anxiety, panic and anger. When I took the pill again on the 3rd of September, I think I was already expecting something bad to happen, as my mind was loaded with horror stories from the internet. That's why I couldn't say if my anxiety, panic and anger were better, as I was solely concentrated on the shaking and brain shivers(tremor), which always makes it worse. I think tremors can also be caused from lack of sleep, lack of vitamins, or increased stress - I am guily of all three things.

 

Today is the 7th day on 2,5mg. Monday and yesterday evening I slept sort of well for the first time since one week and had good apetite throughout the day, so I guess it is a progress, regardless of how small. I just have to get over the side effects of the medicine which are better, but still present nonetheless. Standing in front of the laptop screen all day doesn't help either. Looking and text all day, makes me super sensitive to any changes as well.

 

I just don't want to rush things again, I doubt that 3-4 days more on 2,5mg will make things worse than they already are.

 

Thanks for the support and stay tuned.

[Altostrata]

Welcome, goldie.

 

It sounds to me like 2.5mg might be the right dose, it can take a while for your nervous system to settle down from the prior stress.

 

What are the side effects you're experiencing? Did you have them when you were taking 30mg?

[goldieloc]

Hi Alto! It's an honor to have the master chief of the community in my thread

 

I never had these side-effects, while on 30mg, but I had similar issues 6-7 years ago after a long period of intense panic and anxiety. In the last month I have developed crampings in my legs and my back. The muscles on my back between the spatula and my spine are tied to a knot constantly and I can't remember when was the last time I was able to move my neck without any stiffness or pain. ALL of these symptoms are due to the intense anxiety (rebound or withdrawal, it doesn't matter), that I know for sure. Don't let my demeanor and sense of humor mislead you as well as the fact that I never stopped going to work.

I really am experiencing maybe the heaviest anxiety and obsessions that I ever had, I just worked very, very hard on myself to give up now, go back to my shell and idealize death and solitude. Sure, I sink in despair everyday, sometimes more than once, but I try to pick myself right up and keep going.

 

What I mean is that I know that my brain is very powerful and is able to deceive me. Yes, I really had a bad reaction when I reintroduced the medicine in my system after 2 weeks of constant torture, but I doubt that it was as bad as my current obsessive mind made it.

 

That's why I suppose it is best to keep at 2,5mg for a little while, so I don't lose my chance to stabilize more quickly just on a hunch. I doubt 10-15 days on 2,5 mg will make the brain damage that I've done for 10 years of ad's/ssri's worse than already is. I might be wrong though, but it is hard to tell what the "truth" is. You might think I'm crazy and I very well might be.

 

I should and will be okay eventually, regardless of what these drugs made to me. I'm just struggling to find the right path at the moment.

 

Thanks everybody!

[Altostrata]

Thank you, goldie.

 

Many people experience pain in withdrawal. It could be the muscles are receiving signals to tense, this causes them to hurt. They might get into a habit of being tense, too.

 

Magnesium can help relax the muscles. Also, massage, chiropractic, and acupuncture might help.

[goldieloc]

Hi guys,

 

Just trying to keep in touch. I had a couple of very bad days/nights again. Still shaking and trembling most of the time. My neck is stiff and hurts all the time as well as my trapezium muscles and back.

 

I've been taking Magnesium 100mg for 3 days now, too early to say if it helps. Today is my 12th day after reinstatement at 2,5 mg and I feel bad. I am shaky and tense. My neck is so stiff, when I panic, I think it restricts that blood that goes to my brain and I get very lightheaded. I try to stay calm as much as possible, but it is hard. Especially when my vision is really messed up.

 

I went to see a neurologist today, but they said there is nothing wrong with my spine/neck...duh. I explained everything and I got the look that I was expecting - she was thinking that it is all in my head. No worries, I kinda expected it I was hoping on some advice on how to ease the pain though. I got an Xray instead - at least it looks cool

 

Hard to say if I feel bad due to the reinstatement or the worst phase of the withdrawal hit me at the same time. I already lost my part time job, but unfortunately I can not do it when I am like this. It is also my hobby and it was one of the things that kept me sane, but I hope that the long time off won't dimisnish everthing that I have learned. My concentration span is miserable.

 

Friday I had big problems at work due to an episode of extreme aggression. Today I had a meeting to clarify the issues and we sorted things out. At least for now. I tried really hard to stay calm and reasonable, I thought my head would explode I suppose the stress at work is not really good for my recovery, but I Can't afford to lose my main job. I have to pay rent and bills every month and unfortunately I don't have any savings.

 

I think I will go to a new psychiatrist for an advice when I have the money, even though I am scared of what they might prescribe me. Of course, they can prescribe anything, but only I can decide if I should take it. I just have to find a solution/workaround sooner than later, because I can't lose everything that I worked so hard for.

 

Sorry for the gloomy post everybody. I will try to be more positive the next time.

 

Peace and love to all of you - suffering or helping!

[bubble]

Hello Goldie,

 

First of all, don't apologise for gloominess: this is not Facebook as we like to say. And thank you for keeping us posted. 

 

When it comes to pain in your neck I would do what Alto suggested, if possible. 

 

This is an interesting observation that worsening of your symptoms might actually be the withdrawal still continuing. I find it very likely. It's only logical that it will take some time to first contain these process and then start reversing them. I was also extremely irritable (aggressive) in Lexapro withdrawal and would surprise people around me with aggressive outbursts. 

 

I don't know what you can get from a psychiatrist. (except a higher dose of few other meds). I gave up on them and chose therapists. So that's what I'd do in your place too. Especially since it seems that there are some issues which are causing you to be anxious irrespective of drugs and withdrawal. 

 

This is a great attitude:  Of course, they can prescribe anything, but only I can decide if I should take it.

 

I don't know about Bulgaria but in my country we have much fewer alternative/complementary practices available than in the US or UK: very few acupancturists, chiropractics...therapists and tehy are usually quite expensive. But I would definitely search them out. It's incredible what a massage can do. definitely much more than a visit to a neurologist (or a psychiatrist ;(

 

Also I notice that in this update you chose to focus on exclusively bad parts of your present situation. When you say you had a couple of bad nights/days AGAIN, I conclude there were some that were not so bad. What helped me immensely to survive months after CT and reinstating only after 40 days was focusing on good periods I would experience. I was just living in expectation of them. Have you been reading about windows and waves pattern of recovery?

 

We are suffering and helping at the same time and helping is an effecient way of alleviating suffering

[goldieloc]

Thank you Bubble!

 

I think that what might be worsening my physical symptoms is that maybe one day I take 2mg, another 2,2 and the third 2,5 mg. It is really hard to split the pills they fly in all directions, I lose powder, it's crazy. But when I try to make liquid, it is also somewhat inconsistent.

 

I wanted to speak to a psychiatrist, so maybe we can come up with a similar actiing less potent SSRI that I can hopefully stablilize on and then the taper will be much easier to do. Because It is really hard to get the correct dosage right now. If I ever get to tapering it will get even crazier. A 10% taper from 2,5 mg and below will be hell. I don't think I can order the liquid via the internet from another country.

 

Situation with acupuncturists, chiropractors, therapists and psychiatrists is the same here. An appointment or two with any of them is around 10% of my monthly income But it is what it is, I have a clear credit history, so I will take a loan if needed, I can make the money if I eventually get better.

 

My "good" days were just two and the good part was that I was able to see somewhat clearly, my brain was not shaking all the time and I got some sleep. In the last month I sleep for 1-2 hours tops and then I wake up sweating and shivering and it is very hard to fall asleep again.

 

I think this should be the hardest part of the withdrawal, at least I hope so. The constant anxiety, panic and obsessive thoughts are bad, but nothing compared to the physical symptoms.

 

Thank you and I'll talk to you soon!