Geminigirl: Hope for Healing

[brassmonkey]

Two steps forward and one step back.  Going for the ride was an excellent thing to do.  It sounds like you have some good dehydration going on. Plain water doesn't work well for dehydration, but if you add a pinch of salt and a pinch of sugar to a bottle for water it works a lot better according to the World Health Organization. Stay in the cool and drink a bunch of that and it should help.

 

I am always amazed at how my body reacts to things.  I feel like I'm doing great but when I try to do yard work or go out in public I find that I'm really not doing a s well as I think I am and end up paying for it the next day.  Still the only way to get better is to keep pushing the boundaries as often as possible, not be surprised when they push back, take a break and then push again.

 

I love swimming, and you'd think here in Southern California there would be plenty of places. Public pools are hard to find and very crowded and today there were over 2.5 million people at the beach here.  No wonder I get sick every time I swim in the ocean. Way too crowded for me anyway.

[geminigirl]

Hey Brass,

 

Ya, I hear what your saying.

 

I also don't like it when there are too many people.

 

It is quite crazy how our bodies react. I also thought I was doing well, and then in the middle of the bike ride I wanted to faint. I also find being on the remainder of my drug doesn't  help as it still gives me a high and so I don't notice my body as much.

 

I also wanted to write an update today on how I seem to be getting better mentally, but I have absolutely like no feelings. I know they are there its just the drugs are clouding them and it feels like I am imprisoned.

 

I have felt imprisoned by this drug for years and it creates a very much suffocating feeling in me and also the need to keep coming somewhere. I am really trying to escape the drugs and withdrawal I feel and the trauma it caused me.

 

I just so much want to get on with my life. I am so fragile and have PTSD and attachment issues, I really just want to be free of this **** and be able to feel fully live and close to people and all of life, emotionally and physically (health wise) I feel I cannot be in the place I have wanted to be in life until my brain and body and feelings are healed and I can actually attach to people and progress in therapy.

 

My disconnection from others stems from early childhood attachment trauma and abandonment and I really cannot see myself living any happy life at all until I am able to heal this, but of course because the drugs ruined my brain and feelings, I cant even work on my therapy.

 

I am so so so angry over this.

 

It was such a mistake to have given me these drugs. If the doctors knew how fragile of a soul I am and that any change can cause me to become severely depressed or lonely, and isolate further, they hopefully would have had the compassion to not give me this crap.

 

I know you guys don't know me. But if you can pray for my speedy healing, I would be very grateful. I have waited so long to feel happy and attached to my therapist and hopefully other people too, this drug stole so much time from me where I could have already been enjoying and rejoicing in life.

 

How can I possibly get justice for this? There is no justice I feel. Everyday I do get closer to a thinking mind and some understanding and comprehension, and I realize how much I have missed and what was stolen from me. Not just these drugs, but also the pain of my childhood, the devastation and heartbreak I faced in my infancy, so huge that it made me withdraw from people completely. I therefore feel so lonely a lot of the time.

 

I know many people say I should have friends or a partner during all of this, but I have a huge disconnect between myself and people. I had this very badly before the drugs. My saving grace is my therapist Geoff, who is like my mother/father figure. I desperately need to attach to him and he has given me this opportunity. I have already known him for 4/5 years. He is waiting for me, for me to attach to him and take emotional risks and he said we can have what I have always wanted in our therapy sessions, but I am just not there, and my emotions are not there because the drugs stole them.

 

Where can I find justice for this?

 

I am just hoping as I taper more I will get some feelings, but I need to be very healthy to be able to attach to my therapist because that in and of itself is a very stressful thing for my CNS. How long will it take for my CNS to heal? People say 1, 2, 3 years? I am hoping it will only be one year for me.

 

I cannot afford to waste more time. I really can't. I have waited for Geoff for 28 years, for someone like him. Now that I found him, I cannot let him in.

[scallywag]

Hey Yana -- Things have settled down somewhat for you since you started posting on SA in September 2014. 

 

I wonder if the title you chose back then is a good description for now, particularly the words "Urgent! Please help."  Would you like to change it?  If so I'd be happy to make the edit.  Just let me know here in a post in your intro.

[geminigirl]

Sure

 

It can be- Hope for Healing

[geminigirl]

I wanted to ask,

 

Is it important to take my dose at the same time each day?

 

I find that whenever I take my dose it can often make me high and I often just want to be feel normal during the day, not feeling high so I take a couple doses in the afternoon, then 3 closer to the night, about 2 hours a part.

[LexAnger]

i believe that is what suggested, to take the same time everyday.

Regardless, I have been dosing following how my body reacts as somedays I can't take as much in the morning and somedays I have to take breaks in between doses. But overall I always start at 10am and finish around 11:30pm.

 

So far I don't know if any particular problem from dosing this way.

[geminigirl]

Oh okay, thanks Lexanger That helps a lot.

 

Ya I listen to my body too. I think that feels better for me, as in the morning I also like to wait a while before I take my dose cuz taking the drug makes me have more brain fog and kind of high but before that it feels like bliss and like the me before the drugs so I try to savour it before I have to take my dose.

[geminigirl]

I also just wanted to say that taking my dose 5 times a day in a smaller amount is much better.

[geminigirl]

Hey guys,

 

Just wanted to write an update that I have been getting better and better each day. I am still at the 10 mg dose. I think I was going through withdrawal when I was going from 15.5 to 10 mg, and even crashing from 20 mg to 15.5. I feel I am stabilizing quite nicely actually, much faster than I had actually thought.

 

I almost feel like my self before the drugs and this means everything to me. My mind is still a bit clouded as well as my emotions, but I am thankful I am feeling more normal and that this hopefully was not all brain damage, I just needed time for my CNS to get back to the way it was before the drugs messed up all my brain chemistry, which made me feel 100x worse than I would have.

 

It is very painful for me though to take my daily dose as the clear perception and thinking I have is taken away almost immediately. Atleast now I know it is the drug effects though doing that to me. Mainly I just get brain fog, fatigue, and just no motivation, my body also feels heavier. So ya, I am grateful I know those things are side effects.

 

I just really can't wait to have access to my full feelings again. I really missed me, even though I have been a dreamer and depressive for most of my life. It is part of me. I don't ever want to be on any drug again. I love myself, and want me to heal and fix things, not some drug that just masks my pain and loneliness. I was lost in the celexa dream for so long. I deserve to be free of it completely soon.

 

So ya, I feel things are getting better for me and I feel my CNS is getting stronger and clearer by the day. For me, healing means everything because I have somebody waiting for me to open my heart to him and feel love for him, and I never was really able to see him or love him all these years because I was so doped up. This proved tragic for me and caused me to get into a deeper depression.

 

My childhood memories are also coming back which is wonderful because I need them to be able to heal my childhood and do therapy.

 

The one I love is my therapist Geoff. I can write a book about how long I had been waiting to find someone like him because I was always such a lonely child. He finally came along! The dad of my dreams! But I was just too doped up to see him or love him. To my inner child, this was so devastating and nearly cost me my life. Many times over.

 

Once I am off the drug, I want to Geoff to be in my child heart forever. God only knows how much I have waited for him and needed him. Every day from a little baby in my crib to childhood when I was a wild child in Israel to a lonely confused girl in Canada, to a young adult lost woman. I needed this man for eternity. All the Robert Munsch books I read in Talmud Torah, wishing that a beautiful dad would come along and love me. I never stopped looking for him. My heart knew what I wanted. And I found him, but now I feel like he is in a cage and I am pacing, trying to figure out how to get in to meet him. The celexa is the cage.

[geminigirl]

I wanted to say again guys that I am doing very well in terms of my brain healing. I feel that I actually have recovered pretty fast from going from 15.5 to 10 mg. Everyday my CNS is getting stronger.

 

I still cannot cry deeply or let my feelings out. I would really love to do this though. I want to feel again.

 

it's been a month on the 10 mg. I am thinking waiting 2-3 weeks and I will taper again.

 

Could anybody tell me how long withdrawal will last when I taper again? I know some people get withdrawal right away and for others it comes after several dose decreases. I feel it takes my brain a while to register the change but once it does its kind of cumulative. We'll see that happens.

 

I really want to have a normal brain again. I have so many things I want to do that I missed.

[geminigirl]

Hi Guys,

 

Quick update.

 

I am feeling very depressed these past couple of days. I think the combination of the drug and my own self causes this.

 

I have been trapped in my own suffering or dissocation due to my painful childhood for 28 years.

 

I long to escape this imprisonment.

 

I have a therapist Geoff who I am supposed to let go to and let go of all that suffering and loneliness and know that I am not alone anymore. That I am deeply loved and special to him.

 

I want to do this, however this changes my psyche and CNS completely.

 

The drugs make it harder for me to do this as they block my feelings and full self.

 

I wish I was never put on these drugs. I feel they have deeply deeply harmed me and I should not have been put on them. They didn't even help me and now they are costing me my life and future.

 

I am in purgatory, not in hell but not in the heaven I know my life can be at. I am stuck in between, torn between two places, and that is agonizing of all.

 

I am so tired. So tired. I did not know that all these years the drugs make it hard for me to let go of my painful childhood. All it did was keep me stuck in it. This was the hell time of my life.

 

I pray to God that one day this purgatory can be transformed into the heaven I know I deserve and was destined to be in.

 

My life purpose. To feel this heaven again I felt when I was with my grandma in Israel. To feel loved, to feel that I belong, to have someone to love in this way.

 

A lifetime worth of pain built up in me, it is hard to move, breathe, have motivation, or do anything. It's hard to sleep, wake up, etc. I am completely bound by this rock, and it keeps taking me to the depth of the ocean where there is mainly loneliness.

 

It's nothing really on the outside that causes this (except for the drug which bounds me even more to this rock), it's more my own psyche that causes this heaviness.

 

I know I can't live with this huge, human sized rock for long. It is suffocating me and imprisoning me in my own body. Yet, I still cling to it as some kind of safety net, but the price is always that it drowns me into the depths of the ocean, pulling me down slowly and painfully, aware of every suffocating movement.

 

Withdrawal does not compare to this suffering as withdrawal is temporary. This imprisonment has always been with me, and will be forever until I can let it go.

[geminigirl]

Another update if anybody is following my thread:

 

I wanted to say to whomever is listening that these drugs destroyed me and any connection I had with reality.

 

I am so d**n angry, I have no words.

 

I feel so harmed by these drugs.

 

They made me so ill and unable to connect to people in normal ways. I became scared of people. I never was scared of people before. They totally f****d up my brain chemistry in a horrific way. They made me into a frightened, helpless child, unable to care for myself.

 

I also notice that I get lost in memories, like the memories are too potent, as well as dreams. Before I would get lost in dreams, thank god that doesn't happen anymore.

 

I just literally became stuck in my own subconscious in a very disturbing and scary way.

 

My CNS is now much more sensitive than it used to be so I am scared of a lot of things.

 

Every day I just have to keep staying alive.

Edited July 16, 2016 by brassmonkey
Cleaned up language

[geminigirl]

If I also have a thought that I want to kill myself for instance, its like my brain now can just go off into that thought and I get lost in it.

 

LIKE WHAT THE H**L?

Edited July 16, 2016 by brassmonkey
Cleaned up language

[geminigirl]

Hi guys,

 

I have noticed that recently what seems to be happening is my body is more reactive/sensitive to the drug itself.

 

Like for instance, I can be feeling okay, then I take the drug and I notice bad side effects right after, whereas before tapering I didn't notice the side effects immediately after I took the drug. I think the side effects were so severe I thought they were just me. That is kind of scary.

 

I also remember that on the higher dose I was not in control of myself AT ALL. The drug completely took over me and directed everything I did and said.

 

Anyways, I guess what I want to ask is, when do I know that I can taper to 9 mg? It seems my body notices the drug once it hits me a lot more than before, so does that mean my body is ready to go to 9 mg?

 

Also, is it normal to experience more sensitivity to the drug itself? My body is also telling me more and more recently that I have to get off this drug as it is harming me physically too. Its like an inner voice that tells me to completely come off.

[ccb73]

Hi. I'm not sure. I'm withdrawing and it seems like I'm sensitive to many foods I've never been sensitive to...

 

Maybe it's the drug, but I think it's the withdrawal itself.

 

Good Luck

[downtongirl]

geminigirl....great question/thread....I have noticed a similar thing with me.  My guess would be that after being thrown into withdrawal our CNS are more sensitive to everything so I am guessing the following....

 

1.  The mind numbing of the higher dosages makes us not care or notice the side effects as much OR

 

2.  With repeated tapering, withdrawals, updating, etc. our CNS is screaming at us and just can't handle as much

 

3.  Possibly as we age our bodies change and how we respond to medicines change

 

I find myself more hypersensitive to everything!

[Altostrata]

gg, I merged your new thread here.
 

Please keep notes on paper about your symptoms, when you take your drugs, and their dosages.

 

What exactly is your schedule and symptom pattern?

 

How are you sleeping?

[geminigirl]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks for replying.

 

Thank you Alto for replying as well...

 

My symptom pattern currently is hard to say but basically half an hour or an hour before it's time for my dose, I get interdose withdrawal. Then I know its time to take my pill (2 mg). I find this really annoying though because I get several times in a day of interdose withdrawal, I am thinking I should just take two 5 mg tables in the evening so I don't get as much withdrawal during the day? I dunno though, I am worried again of akathesia if I take too high of a dose, but perhaps now it would be okay because my CNS has stabilized very nicely lately.

 

I pretty much feel like me on the 10 mg before all the terror and horror and almost life destroying 20 mg dosage took over my life.

 

I now have to deal with how to manage my very real and painful emotions before I started taking the drugs. I should have gotten help then and there on how to deal with my inner pain sadness, but instead they threw meds at me.

 

I was also prolly the worst candidate to be given these damaging drugs because I was already very frail and fragile and on the brink of death. Somehow I managed to stay alive though.....

 

Anyways sorry for the rant.

[Altostrata]

Are you keeping notes on paper as I've asked?

 

What exactly is your schedule and symptom pattern?

 

How are you sleeping?

[geminigirl]

Hi Alto,

 

I appreciate your reply.

 

I have not kept very accurate notes. I have some here and there.

 

My schedule and symptom pattern are basically this:

 

Each day I notice I make progress ever so slightly, it is slightly noticeable, but not really. I am honestly not sure what changes, but something does. Either stabilization, or more clear headedness and more aliveness I would say all together. This is the OVERALL progress I feel daily. Perhaps I am growing new neurons, and that is the feeling I get.

 

My withdrawal symptoms though are usually this:

 

In the morning I wake up feeling good, more like myself than ever.

 

Then half hour or an hour before my dose: I start to feel fuzzy/giddy/very drugged feeling, forgetful, doing things over and over, not knowing where I am or what I am supposed to do, slight inner tremor. I also feel slightly slightly manic (much better than before) and my inhibitions and judgment decrease slightly.

 

I take my dose and feel better, usually an hour later.

 

Then the same thing happens throughout the day, with me getting the most clarity and feeling "like myself" in the evening.

 

I think right before my first morning dose it is annoying, mainly because of the confusion and feeling like I am lost, and like a child.

 

My sleeping is actually quite good and I feel I am getting slightly deeper sleep without so many nightmares. I used to get horrific night terrors and night jerks.

 

I still get a slight night jerk or increased anxiety for a second before I fall asleep.

 

 

 

 

 

I am wondering though if I am getting withdrawals throughout the day because I am taking 5, 2 mg doses? Maybe if I take like just two 5 mg doses in the evening it would be better with less withdrawals?

[geminigirl]

I have this one symptom which is so annoying.

 

I get kind of high by the drug and then feel closer to people than I really am. Then when the high goes down I feel alone again and not as connected to them. Cuz I often feel close to strangers and that is not right.

[geminigirl]

Hi Guys,

 

I am thinking of tapering but honestly I dunno if the 10% rule will help me.

 

I actually got a lot better going from 15 mg to 10 mg. It seems to me the side effects of the drug are a lot worse than the withdrawal itself.

 

Is there a way to do the fast taper? Everytime I take my dose for the day I get more scared and agitated.

[geminigirl]

Like just now, took 2 mg and then got the doom feeling right away.

[geminigirl]

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE REPLY.

 

My body is now hypersensitive to the drug itself.

 

WHEN I TAKE IT I START TO SHAKE AND I AM CRYING A LOT AND LAUGHING, I FEEL CRAZY. I FEEL I HAVE NO WISE MIND OR ADULT MIND. PLEASE HELP ME.

[LexAnger]

I actually am about to post a very positive update to my own thread, seeing your post so I try to reply here first.

I had the same experience with much worse reaction to dose increase ( several times, each time got worse than earlier ones) and did a very fast taper in the past 6 months down from 3.2 mg to 1.9 mg. I got the first ever good day today feeling my old self with brain fully functioning and seeing the world like I haven't been seeing for years since the accidental dose increase last August, almost normal, feeling happiness inside me even I still have the WD symptoms pressure, numbness, pain on my left head and body. After dealing with the drug toxicity from the dose increase, WD symptoms are not that scary and harsh to handle.

 

If I wrer you, I would try to test the water by decreasing tiny percent to start with.

[downtongirl]

Geminigirl....is it making your akathisia worse?  Is that what you are feeling?

[geminigirl]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks for replying.

 

My akathesia is basically gone now. What I experienced earlier today was taking my 2 mg dose and my body had increased heart rate, feeling of doom, like im gonna die, this weird cold shiver feeling of doom. It was terrible. I tried not to dwell on it though and went for a bike ride.

 

Lexanger, thanks for the reply. Yes it seems that the side effect of the drug itself is probably one of the most horrible things for me, because I feel so out of touch with my inner self, my soul in a way. When you feel empty inside, it is much more difficult to navigate the withdrawal stuff. I feel very much at the 10 mg, that I still have a lost self in a way. Like I can't really feel my face still and feel out of touch with my body.

 

I am thinking of tapering soon again to 9 mg.

[geminigirl]

Are you finding Lex that the side effects are what is most disturbing to you rather than withdrawal?

[LexAnger]

My WD symptoms are very touturing especially the severe needling pain, very painful often makes me feel my heart is failing from the pain. Other WD symptoms are numb, pressure, pain and very tensed head face, neck, shoulder and back. The drug reaction is not as torturous but very disabling with a dead brain and loss of consciousness. I can push myself for some work with the WD but can't do anything with the drug reaction symptoms. You just feel dead inside out.

[geminigirl]

Guys,

 

I need help.

 

I am reacting badly to the 2 mg doses now.

 

I took 2 mg this afternoon and felt horrible.

 

I am scared now to take the 4 more doses I am supposed to take because I am scared of feeling sick again:

 

I get paranoia, increased heart rate, fear, and just overall feeling like im on cocaine when I took my 2 mg dose this afternoon. I can't take it anymore.

 

Like honestly it is like up and down up and down all throughout day and then taking the 2 mg dose adds an adverse reaction! I dunno if it is adverse per say actually but it feels like my body does not react well to it anymore, prolly cuz it is sensitized by withdrawal itself.

 

What do I do in this situation?

 

I have not taken my 4 other doses today. I just can't even look at those drugs anymore they make me want to puke.

 

I am feeling more alive though and coherent than I have in 4 years. It seems I am getting more and more back in touch with reality and other people which is a life savor in and of itself. But ya, I can't take the meds 5 times a day anymore as either my body rejects it now or it just is too much, I dunno.

 

Hellllpppp......

 

Alto? Please.

 

Thanks and love my fellow survivors and friends.

 

This is the realest sentence I have written in years: I really hope we make it. We have to do it together. Please let's preserve together and not let this hell win.

 

Love,

 

Yana

[coldturkmama]

I wrote you back but didn't get an answer...

I don't know enough about your situation to offer much advice but you will persevere.

If you just hold on.

[mattage]

If I were you I would just stop taking the Celexa - it is clearly doing you harm. You have said so yourself - in capital letters.

[geminigirl]

Mattage- Thanks for the reply.

 

I am thinking maybe if I take a smaller amount in the day it would be better?

 

Also as a side note guys, I have PTSD and high anxiety levels even before this whole med situation. I dunno if I am scaring myself more than necessary in terms of having to keep taking the meds?

 

I just know that yesterday I took 2 mg and I felt worse. It lasted like an hour.

 

This morning woke up feeling suicidal and like wanted to die, but only lasted like 10 minutes. Now feeling more okay.

 

I do have PTSD and attachment issues in addition to all this so it really sucks.........

 

A double whammy.

[mattage]

Why not try going without a dose and see what happens? FInd out if there is  a corresponding ease up in symptoms.  Has your doctor recommended anything?

[geminigirl]

I will give it a try mattage.

 

I just think I have PTSD now because of this experience and I have a phobia of the drug itself, I am scared of the effect it gives me, it seems to have a different effect than it had before. I think I just didn't notice before because my mind was so numbed and debilitated.

[mattage]

Well, it's clearly not working at the moment GG. I really think it could help you if you stop taking it, or at least cut down on it.Your blog reads like that stuff is really poisonous for you. Plus it doesn't sound like you've been stable since  Sep 2014. For whatever reason it just seems like Celexa is no longer working for you.

 

Anyway, what ever you end up doing, I really hope you get stable soon.