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Dream Small (from a Christian perspective)


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#1 Meimeiquest

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Posted 07 November 2014 - 11:19 AM

http://birdchadlouis...omplished-life/
1st round Prozac 1989/90, clear depression symptoms. 2nd round Prozac started 1999 when admitted to dr. I was tired. Prozac pooped out, switch to Cymbalta 3/2006. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder due to mania 6/2006--then I was taken abruptly off Cymbalta and didn't know I had SSRI withdrawal. Lots of meds for my intractable "bipolar" symptoms.
Zyprexa started about 9/06, mostly 5mg. Tapered 4/12 through12/29/12
Wellbutrin. XL 300 mg started 1/07, tapered 1/18/13 through 7/8/13
Oxazepam mostly continuously since 6/06, 30mg since 12/12, tapered 1.17.14 through 8.26.15
11/06 Lithium 600mg twice daily, 2.2.14 400mg TID DIY liquid, 2.12.14 1150mg, 3.2.14 1100mg, 3.18.14 1075mg, 4/14 updose to 1100mg, 6.1.14 900 mg capsules 7.8.14 810mg, 8.17.14 725mg, 8.24.24 700mg...10.22.14 487.5mg, 3.9.15 475mg, 4.1.15 462.5mg 4.21.15 450mg 8.11.15 375mg, 11.28.15 362.5mg, back to 375mg four days later, 3.4.16 updose to 475 (too much going on to risk trouble)
9/4/13 Toprol-XL 25mg daily for sudden hypertension, tapered 11.12.13 through 5.3.14, last 10 days or so switched to atenolol
7.4.14 Started Walsh Protocol
56 years old

#2 Wildflower0214

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Posted 12 January 2015 - 08:02 PM

I love this. I wish I could go back in time.

Thank you. This really helped me.
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#3 Jopro

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Posted 14 January 2015 - 07:10 PM

THANKYOU Meimeiquest.

I NEEDED this.

I became a born again Christian only 6 yrs before my CT

. Im 57 and hated myself up until that point. I finanally was the person outside that id always wanted to be

 

But 32 months into wd im still very ill. Im so exhausted fighting.

And I am now going through the motions of Christian life but have begun to wonder what I felt and why..

Occasionally through crying out in tears I remember what the  real "truth" is. But mostly im just Hoping that I was right.

I never really got chance to grow in my faith.

I see a lot of behaviours slipping back that I hoped were gone forever and im doubting everything.

 

So very very scared of losing Him .He was my was everything.

 

Reading that I felt that I knew I was right and He is the truth.!!!  I  just hope He overlooks this disgusting me and holds on to me because I don't deserve it one bit.

Christianity is about thinking of others. I am totally ME centred. I don't want to be. But its how im surviving!

Keep my eyes on Jesus ...Im trying!!!  :(


Ct from 60mg Prozac May 2012

Taper from 2.4mg Nitrapepam  for 1 and half yrs.Finally over on Nov 17th 2014

Still in a very bad place :(


#4 Wildflower0214

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Posted 14 January 2015 - 07:22 PM

THANKYOU Meimeiquest.
I NEEDED this.
I became a born again Christian only 6 yrs before my CT
. Im 57 and hated myself up until that point. I finanally was the person outside that id always wanted to be

But 32 months into wd im still very ill. Im so exhausted fighting.
And I am now going through the motions of Christian life but have begun to wonder what I felt and why..
Occasionally through crying out in tears I remember what the real "truth" is. But mostly im just Hoping that I was right.
I never really got chance to grow in my faith.
I see a lot of behaviours slipping back that I hoped were gone forever and im doubting everything.

So very very scared of losing Him .He was my was everything.

Reading that I felt that I knew I was right and He is the truth.!!! I just hope He overlooks this disgusting me and holds on to me because I don't deserve it one bit.
Christianity is about thinking of others. I am totally ME centred. I don't want to be. But its how im surviving!
Keep my eyes on Jesus ...Im trying!!! :(


I feel very similar. I am scared to death. And, I am trying to cling to Him. I have all of these doubts and my mind is all over the place and I wonder what is true.

But, I have to say, my mother is proving to me that He is truth. She had an awful childhood, an abusive marriage, my brother died from HIV infected blood he received in the early 80's, and I am her last child alive, and she is watching me go through this, and she believes. She hasn't wavered in her faith. She is broken and tired, but she clings to Him. And she keeps me going. I look at her, and I know despite the suffering and pain, she believes. And, I have to. I want to let go so many times. I just want to let go. But, I can't. Because, a part of me knows He loves me, and I can't let go, because it would break His heart. And, I know His heart breaks for me now, in this pain. And, I just ask Him to hold on to me, because I am too tired to hang on.
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#5 Meimeiquest

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Posted 14 January 2015 - 07:28 PM

This makes me think of an example from one of my pastors. He described being at friends' home where they had a pool. His son had just started swimming lessons, so he thought it was a good opportunity to take him to the deep end. So his son jumped into the pool from the shallow end, and his dad told him, "I want to take you to the deep end." But the deeper the water got, the more anxious his son became. Finally the dad said, "Why are you so afraid?" And the son anxiously said, "Dad, I don't have a very good hold on you." And the father's reply, looking at his son's little hands, was, "But I've got a really good grip on you." And on thatt I stake my hope!

Although our family's struggles are small compared to many, especially many here, they often feel big to us, with stuff coming from multiple directions. In the past months I have had this image in my mind of play dough being pressed out through one of those kiddy play dough toys that turn play dough into cords of various shapes...like we are being extruded (is that even a word?). The other day the image moved out (I didn't get my bipolar dx for nothing!!) and I could see what was pressing on the clay. A hand with a nail-shaped scar. And I was struck by the fact that although Jesus won't stop at anything in his process of re-shaping us, He went first.
1st round Prozac 1989/90, clear depression symptoms. 2nd round Prozac started 1999 when admitted to dr. I was tired. Prozac pooped out, switch to Cymbalta 3/2006. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder due to mania 6/2006--then I was taken abruptly off Cymbalta and didn't know I had SSRI withdrawal. Lots of meds for my intractable "bipolar" symptoms.
Zyprexa started about 9/06, mostly 5mg. Tapered 4/12 through12/29/12
Wellbutrin. XL 300 mg started 1/07, tapered 1/18/13 through 7/8/13
Oxazepam mostly continuously since 6/06, 30mg since 12/12, tapered 1.17.14 through 8.26.15
11/06 Lithium 600mg twice daily, 2.2.14 400mg TID DIY liquid, 2.12.14 1150mg, 3.2.14 1100mg, 3.18.14 1075mg, 4/14 updose to 1100mg, 6.1.14 900 mg capsules 7.8.14 810mg, 8.17.14 725mg, 8.24.24 700mg...10.22.14 487.5mg, 3.9.15 475mg, 4.1.15 462.5mg 4.21.15 450mg 8.11.15 375mg, 11.28.15 362.5mg, back to 375mg four days later, 3.4.16 updose to 475 (too much going on to risk trouble)
9/4/13 Toprol-XL 25mg daily for sudden hypertension, tapered 11.12.13 through 5.3.14, last 10 days or so switched to atenolol
7.4.14 Started Walsh Protocol
56 years old

#6 Wildflower0214

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Posted 14 January 2015 - 08:34 PM

This makes me think of an example from one of my pastors. He described being at friends' home where they had a pool. His son had just started swimming lessons, so he thought it was a good opportunity to take him to the deep end. So his son jumped into the pool from the shallow end, and his dad told him, "I want to take you to the deep end." But the deeper the water got, the more anxious his son became. Finally the dad said, "Why are you so afraid?" And the son anxiously said, "Dad, I don't have a very good hold on you." And the father's reply, looking at his son's little hands, was, "But I've got a really good grip on you." And on thatt I stake my hope!

Although our family's struggles are small compared to many, especially many here, they often feel big to us, with stuff coming from multiple directions. In the past months I have had this image in my mind of play dough being pressed out through one of those kiddy play dough toys that turn play dough into cords of various shapes...like we are being extruded (is that even a word?). The other day the image moved out (I didn't get my bipolar dx for nothing!!) and I could see what was pressing on the clay. A hand with a nail-shaped scar. And I was struck by the fact that although Jesus won't stop at anything in his process of re-shaping us, He went first.


Thank you MeiMei, this has touched me. As excruciating as all of this is, I know it is for a purpose. I believe that although the journey is long, there is a joy on the other side that will be less affected by circumstance than if I had never experienced this.
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#7 Jopro

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Posted 14 January 2015 - 08:39 PM

Meimeiquest.

I knew that I knew that I knew I was saved. Now although I still love Him I just cant feel it.
For the first time im doubting what happened to me.
I feel what with my abominable behaviour, selfishness anger, cursing and bitterness I feel I have gone too far!!!!

And what if I end up walking away in anger????
Cant bare it. Just cant bare it.!!!d

Ct from 60mg Prozac May 2012

Taper from 2.4mg Nitrapepam  for 1 and half yrs.Finally over on Nov 17th 2014

Still in a very bad place :(


#8 Jopro

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Posted 14 January 2015 - 08:43 PM

This makes me think of an example from one of my pastors. He described being at friends' home where they had a pool. His son had just started swimming lessons, so he thought it was a good opportunity to take him to the deep end. So his son jumped into the pool from the shallow end, and his dad told him, "I want to take you to the deep end." But the deeper the water got, the more anxious his son became. Finally the dad said, "Why are you so afraid?" And the son anxiously said, "Dad, I don't have a very good hold on you." And the father's reply, looking at his son's little hands, was, "But I've got a really good grip on you." And on thatt I stake my hope!

Although our family's struggles are small compared to many, especially many here, they often feel big to us, with stuff coming from multiple directions. In the past months I have had this image in my mind of play dough being pressed out through one of those kiddy play dough toys that turn play dough into cords of various shapes...like we are being extruded (is that even a word?). The other day the image moved out (I didn't get my bipolar dx for nothing!!) and I could see what was pressing on the clay. A hand with a nail-shaped scar. And I was struck by the fact that although Jesus won't stop at anything in his process of re-shaping us, He went first.


Thank you MeiMei, this has touched me. As excruciating as all of this is, I know it is for a purpose. I believe that although the journey is long, there is a joy on the other side that will be less affected by circumstance than if I had never experienced this.



That is what got me through the first 2 years. Now I no longer dare to hope for anything! I always hoped it meant God had a plan and He needed me to toughen up.
All ive done is proved I wasn't worth saving after all.
So ashamed!

Ct from 60mg Prozac May 2012

Taper from 2.4mg Nitrapepam  for 1 and half yrs.Finally over on Nov 17th 2014

Still in a very bad place :(


#9 Wildflower0214

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Posted 14 January 2015 - 08:51 PM

Meimeiquest.

I knew that I knew that I knew I was saved. Now although I still love Him I just cant feel it.
For the first time im doubting what happened to me.
I feel what with my abominable behaviour, selfishness anger, cursing and bitterness I feel I have gone too far!!!!

And what if I end up walking away in anger????
Cant bare it. Just cant bare it.!!!d

I pray everyday that my faith in Him will not be based on feeling or experience. But, will be based on knowing the truth no matter how I feel. And, pray a lot "Lord, I believe, help me in my unbelief." I pray that He keep me close to Him because I am not in my right mind, and I have to trust He will do it.

Nothing can go too far for God. It's His grace that went far enough.

I know the feeling Jopro, I do. It's terrible. It breaks my heart.
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#10 felin

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Posted 05 May 2015 - 08:04 AM

Wildflower and Jopro how are you each doing these days?


All that I can give you at this point is what I can remember. Will add more after I've called the zillions of doctors that I've had over the past 30 years. I have spent all day calling old insurance co's, etc to get the long list of doctors names that I once had, so will update this someday. Unfortunately, most records are no longer available. :(

 

Haven't started tapering yet. Will.

 

Currently am on:

  • Cymbalta 60 mg/ daily - actually taking the generic for it. It is called Duloxetine
  • Wellbutrin XL 150 mg/ daily - taking the generic for this. It is called Bupropion XL
  • Naturethroid 3/4 grain/ daily - this is a natural dessicated thyroid med for my Hypothyroidism
  • Relpax only take as needed - for migraines

FINALLY started tapering Cymbalta by 5% reduction May 5, 2016


#11 Wildflower0214

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Posted 05 May 2015 - 01:31 PM

Pretty lousy.

But, God is here, even in this protracted hell on earth.
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#12 Faithbarelysurviving

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Posted 12 June 2015 - 11:33 AM

Meimeiquest.
I knew that I knew that I knew I was saved. Now although I still love Him I just cant feel it.
For the first time im doubting what happened to me.
I feel what with my abominable behaviour, selfishness anger, cursing and bitterness I feel I have gone too far!!!!
And what if I end up walking away in anger????
Cant bare it. Just cant bare it.!!!d

I pray everyday that my faith in Him will not be based on feeling or experience. But, will be based on knowing the truth no matter how I feel. And, pray a lot "Lord, I believe, help me in my unbelief." I pray that He keep me close to Him because I am not in my right mind, and I have to trust He will do it.
Nothing can go too far for God. It's His grace that went far enough.
I know the feeling Jopro, I do. It's terrible. It breaks my heart.

"I pray that He will keep me close to Him because i am not in my right mind and I have to trust He will do it." These are wise words. This is how I feel too but not all the time... When i am out of control, my mind so disturbed and my body so afflicted, I pray that in those ments He is with me the most, holding me in His Love and Protrcting me and my loved ones...from me...
I am very sorry for my intrusion in your conversation...
Faith
Please have patience and read : a great Mental Health Care System indeed/Never been hospitalized prior to starting meds
-Not sure all is accurate:2005 Diag. with major depression and anxiety after second birth
-switched AD,getting worse (maybe:Celexa, Effexor, Wellbutrin-diagnosed with bp
-Zyprexa, stopped it fast, got hosp.,Seroquel incr. at 300mg, wors. depr, akathisia bad,
-changed dr.,dropped Seroquel 300mg to 100mg !!!-
-new dr.got me off Seroquel in 1 mth at home!!Lamictal to help...getting worse,was also taking Clonazepam
-severe muscle twiches, dp/dr,neck and shoulder muscles tight straight like cement, psychotic, bedridden for 1yr
-Got put on Zoloft in the hosp.,and 3 mg of Clonazepam, "Stabilized" some after some months, 5-6,
-Came off Zoloft by dropping some weekly, not knowing better!debilitating symptoms, got back on, tried to reduce Clonazepam after research.Prof. Ashton; hosp., asked dr. to follow Dr Ashton, he dropped 3 mg Clon. in One day!put on much less Valium...hysterical,pain,rage,couldn t breathe,akathisia etc etc
-Zoloft up to 200mg!, hyperv. muscles tight like cement...my dr., on vacation!!Other dr red.zoloft, gave me Remeron
Current meds:Buspirone 20mg,Tegretol200mg,Trazadone 50 mg,Clonaz. 3mg,Escital.15mg,Propran.20mg,Bupropr.150mg,Baclofen30mg,Gabapentin200mg, taken 4 times/day in various comb.
https://m.youtube.co...h?v=IR5_rTCi-Bo

#13 Wildflower0214

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Posted 13 June 2015 - 11:31 PM

It's not an intrusion. :)

I always pray that He protect me from myself and others from me and that during this time, He overide my will and carry out His instead.

I've been fearful of myself for quite some time to some degree or another. It's an awful place to be.

I pray you find some peace, I pray we all do.
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#14 RockinBandit

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Posted 16 June 2015 - 07:14 AM

It's not an intrusion. :)

I always pray that He protect me from myself and others from me and that during this time, He overide my will and carry out His instead.

I reply in love not in spite,

There is one thing God can't won't do and that is overide our free will we need to immerse ourselves in him surrender wholly and do his will.

 

The big problem is our free will is so strong that we hate to surrender and I suffer this so much myself, we want to beleive we can do it and I have made such a mess of my own life.

 

When you feel you are at our lowest remember he is cradleing you in his arms he feels your pain with you the journey may be long but you are not alone.


Back injury 2012 Oxycontin 15mg BD, Lyrica 150mg BD, Paracetamol 650mg x2 TDS, Endone 5mg PRN,2013 Buprenorphine patch replaced Oxycontin. 2013 straight drop of Lyrica to 75mg no W/D 1 week later ceased, strong W/D restarted 75mg. Since 1974 vitamin B12 injection every 6 weeks.Cholestyramine anhydrous (Questran Lite 4gr) 1-2 sachets a day, (not for cholestoral). 2015 reduced Paracetamol to 650mg x1 BD.

Cymbalta 13/May/2015 for mild depression & help reduce pain. Chronic pain due to back injury, adjusted to Cymbalta in 1.5 weeks then deteriated severe headaches and nausea set in. Ceased 07/June/2015 no tapering plan provided by doctor. W/D symtoms started on 10/June pm. By 12/June spasms/cramps lack of sleep severe, 5 beads removed from capsuale result spasams/cramps unbearable.

Did not resume, 13-16/June no W/D have slept extremely well no W/D.September 22/2015 Start Lyrica taper on 75mg X1 a day trying 50mg X1 a day. This didn't work reinstated 75mg 36hrs later, avoiding over heating during sleep seems to minimise limbs jerking.

 

Supplements: 50mg Acetyl Tyrosine, 70mg Magnesium Malate 2 cups Rasberry leaf tea


#15 Iamfine

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Posted 18 June 2015 - 06:14 PM

Keep my eyes on Jesus ...Im trying!!!  :(


Me too. Just remember that we are forgiven.
My Story
In 2014-15 I tapered off Lithium 1200 mg (ct), Lexapro 40 mg, Lamictal 150 mg, Seroquel 500 mg, Klonopin 3 mg (ct), and had a short stint with Viibryd that lasted about 2 weeks. I also had about a month on Brintellix during this time.
Currently taking 60 mg prozac, 100 mg Seroquel (ri 8/4/16), 3 x 20 mg Ritalin, 2 x 0.5 Klonopin, and 120 mg Geodon. Will finish tapering off Geodon next.
Psych drugs tried: Prozac, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Effexor, Celexa, Lamictal, Lexapro, Viibryd, Brintellix, Pristiq, Zoloft, Seruquel, Zyprexa, Geodon, Abilify, Latuda, Ritalin, Adderall, Valium, Klonopin.

#16 RockinBandit

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Posted 21 June 2015 - 03:01 AM

That is what got me through the first 2 years. Now I no longer dare to hope for anything! I always hoped it meant God had a plan and He needed me to toughen up.

All ive done is proved I wasn't worth saving after all.
So ashamed!

Jopro I was just viewing posts in this thread and read what you said, I wouldn't be surprised if many thought this, I thought God had a plan for me and followed through only to end in financial hardship and loss of house.

I tend to think some will get a big plan and others plan will be to be a beacon to shine his love through us as we go about our daily lives.

 

No matter how far we fall back we are all worth saving, "proven" that Jesus died so we may live,mind bending drugs will not change this fact.

 

Even if we stop living and behaving as we should there is one thing we can't really do and that is to deny the truth, when one genuinely accepts Jesus as their Lord and Saviour something is planted in us (Holy Spirit). We may not understand everything and won't until that glorious day but we know it is the truth and I don't believe that once we have beleived we can unbelieve.

 

I don't need to pray for your security and soul because You are His and He is yours but I will pray for a healthier and less tormented journey.

 

In his name Yeshua ha Masiach.

 

 


Back injury 2012 Oxycontin 15mg BD, Lyrica 150mg BD, Paracetamol 650mg x2 TDS, Endone 5mg PRN,2013 Buprenorphine patch replaced Oxycontin. 2013 straight drop of Lyrica to 75mg no W/D 1 week later ceased, strong W/D restarted 75mg. Since 1974 vitamin B12 injection every 6 weeks.Cholestyramine anhydrous (Questran Lite 4gr) 1-2 sachets a day, (not for cholestoral). 2015 reduced Paracetamol to 650mg x1 BD.

Cymbalta 13/May/2015 for mild depression & help reduce pain. Chronic pain due to back injury, adjusted to Cymbalta in 1.5 weeks then deteriated severe headaches and nausea set in. Ceased 07/June/2015 no tapering plan provided by doctor. W/D symtoms started on 10/June pm. By 12/June spasms/cramps lack of sleep severe, 5 beads removed from capsuale result spasams/cramps unbearable.

Did not resume, 13-16/June no W/D have slept extremely well no W/D.September 22/2015 Start Lyrica taper on 75mg X1 a day trying 50mg X1 a day. This didn't work reinstated 75mg 36hrs later, avoiding over heating during sleep seems to minimise limbs jerking.

 

Supplements: 50mg Acetyl Tyrosine, 70mg Magnesium Malate 2 cups Rasberry leaf tea


#17 RachelE

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Posted 09 October 2016 - 03:12 PM

THANKYOU Meimeiquest.

I NEEDED this.

I became a born again Christian only 6 yrs before my CT

. Im 57 and hated myself up until that point. I finanally was the person outside that id always wanted to be

 

But 32 months into wd im still very ill. Im so exhausted fighting.

And I am now going through the motions of Christian life but have begun to wonder what I felt and why..

Occasionally through crying out in tears I remember what the  real "truth" is. But mostly im just Hoping that I was right.

I never really got chance to grow in my faith.

I see a lot of behaviours slipping back that I hoped were gone forever and im doubting everything.

 

So very very scared of losing Him .He was my was everything.

 

Reading that I felt that I knew I was right and He is the truth.!!!  I  just hope He overlooks this disgusting me and holds on to me because I don't deserve it one bit.

Christianity is about thinking of others. I am totally ME centred. I don't want to be. But its how im surviving!

Keep my eyes on Jesus ...Im trying!!!  :(

He has had His eyes on you the whole time. Don't worry, He is still at work on all of us. That's one of the reasons we are still alive. In the end, not one of us can be good enough for Heaven. Except Jesus, who in His grace and mercy has won it for us. Right now, I am wrestling with the sins of bitterness and hatred toward those who have hurt me and robbed me of virtually everything that is considered to make life worth living.

 

Right now I'm considering becoming a hermit for religious reasons. I'm not a Catholic, so I am not required to take vows. (Kind of a voluntary thing.) It just seems as though as I withdraw from effexor I will need to spend large amounts of time alone, so why not  spend it in prayer and Bible study? That way it won't feel like such a waste.


I have been on so many medications since I was 20 and diagnosed as "mentally ill" that I have lost count.

Right now, however I have been taking:

Lamictal 25 mg: I went on it in March for only 13 days, then cold turkeyed off when I thought I was developing a rash because of it. Pretended to go back on it, but didn't. Not the best idea, but I had no way to reduce the dose. Anyhow I had no adverse withdrawal reactions, probably because I was on it for less than 2 weeks.

Abilify 20 mg:  I have been on this for several years. Actually at least half the time I have spent as a meds "consumer" I have been on this nasty pill. I finished tapering off it at the beginning of 2016. Was reinstated during the 4 days I spent in a psych ward in March. Tapered off it again in 10 weeks, from say March 15-June 30. Needless to say this is not exact, but I remember I was off it before July 4 (patriotic holiday in America!) I am doing fine, although I know I may have to wait till Christmas or later to know I am out of the danger zone for withdrawal psychosis. The main thing I notice about being off is that I no longer crave sweets all the time and am losing weight without trying. Good thing since I used to weigh 350 lbs.!

Effexor 150 mg: This is the real trouble-maker. Since I have no other way of tapering I do the best I can by bead counting. I unscrew the gel capsule and count out the tiny micro-capsules or beads inside. This works fairly well with the generic time release version. Only 120 beads to count of almost identical size. Lately I have been "holding" at 20 bead removal due to some major stress in my life. Moving hundreds of miles from my old home and a bout of strep throat that wouldn't respond to antibiotics.  I guess that means I'm on 120 mg of Effexor right now. On October 16 I am going to recommence my taper since I am safely moved and no longer have strep! 

I admit now that I did something stupid. I had trouble opening the extra strength gel capsules containing the beads so I reinstated at the original dose for a week. I know it's not good to play ping pong with my brain, but I could never open the capsules without spilling those microscopic balls all over so I was never sure what dosage I was taking! Thank the LORD that I finally have the old kind again and can safely count out the amount. I am now back on 135 mg and feel somewhat better.

October 30, 2016. I am down to 120 mg effexor. November 27, 2016. Down to 105 mg effexor. December 25, 2016. 90 mg effexor. January 15, 2017. 75 mg effexor. January 21. 82.5 mg effexor. January 23, 90 mg again. Feb. 14, 81.25 mg. Mar. 15, 72.5 mg.