Meimeiquest

Dream Small (from a Christian perspective)

17 posts in this topic

I love this. I wish I could go back in time.

 

Thank you. This really helped me.

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THANKYOU Meimeiquest.

I NEEDED this.

I became a born again Christian only 6 yrs before my CT

. Im 57 and hated myself up until that point. I finanally was the person outside that id always wanted to be

 

But 32 months into wd im still very ill. Im so exhausted fighting.

And I am now going through the motions of Christian life but have begun to wonder what I felt and why..

Occasionally through crying out in tears I remember what the  real "truth" is. But mostly im just Hoping that I was right.

I never really got chance to grow in my faith.

I see a lot of behaviours slipping back that I hoped were gone forever and im doubting everything.

 

So very very scared of losing Him .He was my was everything.

 

Reading that I felt that I knew I was right and He is the truth.!!!  I  just hope He overlooks this disgusting me and holds on to me because I don't deserve it one bit.

Christianity is about thinking of others. I am totally ME centred. I don't want to be. But its how im surviving!

Keep my eyes on Jesus ...Im trying!!!  :(

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THANKYOU Meimeiquest.

I NEEDED this.

I became a born again Christian only 6 yrs before my CT

. Im 57 and hated myself up until that point. I finanally was the person outside that id always wanted to be

 

But 32 months into wd im still very ill. Im so exhausted fighting.

And I am now going through the motions of Christian life but have begun to wonder what I felt and why..

Occasionally through crying out in tears I remember what the real "truth" is. But mostly im just Hoping that I was right.

I never really got chance to grow in my faith.

I see a lot of behaviours slipping back that I hoped were gone forever and im doubting everything.

 

So very very scared of losing Him .He was my was everything.

 

Reading that I felt that I knew I was right and He is the truth.!!! I just hope He overlooks this disgusting me and holds on to me because I don't deserve it one bit.

Christianity is about thinking of others. I am totally ME centred. I don't want to be. But its how im surviving!

Keep my eyes on Jesus ...Im trying!!! :(

I feel very similar. I am scared to death. And, I am trying to cling to Him. I have all of these doubts and my mind is all over the place and I wonder what is true.

 

But, I have to say, my mother is proving to me that He is truth. She had an awful childhood, an abusive marriage, my brother died from HIV infected blood he received in the early 80's, and I am her last child alive, and she is watching me go through this, and she believes. She hasn't wavered in her faith. She is broken and tired, but she clings to Him. And she keeps me going. I look at her, and I know despite the suffering and pain, she believes. And, I have to. I want to let go so many times. I just want to let go. But, I can't. Because, a part of me knows He loves me, and I can't let go, because it would break His heart. And, I know His heart breaks for me now, in this pain. And, I just ask Him to hold on to me, because I am too tired to hang on.

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This makes me think of an example from one of my pastors. He described being at friends' home where they had a pool. His son had just started swimming lessons, so he thought it was a good opportunity to take him to the deep end. So his son jumped into the pool from the shallow end, and his dad told him, "I want to take you to the deep end." But the deeper the water got, the more anxious his son became. Finally the dad said, "Why are you so afraid?" And the son anxiously said, "Dad, I don't have a very good hold on you." And the father's reply, looking at his son's little hands, was, "But I've got a really good grip on you." And on thatt I stake my hope!

 

Although our family's struggles are small compared to many, especially many here, they often feel big to us, with stuff coming from multiple directions. In the past months I have had this image in my mind of play dough being pressed out through one of those kiddy play dough toys that turn play dough into cords of various shapes...like we are being extruded (is that even a word?). The other day the image moved out (I didn't get my bipolar dx for nothing!!) and I could see what was pressing on the clay. A hand with a nail-shaped scar. And I was struck by the fact that although Jesus won't stop at anything in his process of re-shaping us, He went first.

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This makes me think of an example from one of my pastors. He described being at friends' home where they had a pool. His son had just started swimming lessons, so he thought it was a good opportunity to take him to the deep end. So his son jumped into the pool from the shallow end, and his dad told him, "I want to take you to the deep end." But the deeper the water got, the more anxious his son became. Finally the dad said, "Why are you so afraid?" And the son anxiously said, "Dad, I don't have a very good hold on you." And the father's reply, looking at his son's little hands, was, "But I've got a really good grip on you." And on thatt I stake my hope!

 

Although our family's struggles are small compared to many, especially many here, they often feel big to us, with stuff coming from multiple directions. In the past months I have had this image in my mind of play dough being pressed out through one of those kiddy play dough toys that turn play dough into cords of various shapes...like we are being extruded (is that even a word?). The other day the image moved out (I didn't get my bipolar dx for nothing!!) and I could see what was pressing on the clay. A hand with a nail-shaped scar. And I was struck by the fact that although Jesus won't stop at anything in his process of re-shaping us, He went first.

Thank you MeiMei, this has touched me. As excruciating as all of this is, I know it is for a purpose. I believe that although the journey is long, there is a joy on the other side that will be less affected by circumstance than if I had never experienced this.

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Meimeiquest.

 

I knew that I knew that I knew I was saved. Now although I still love Him I just cant feel it.

For the first time im doubting what happened to me.

I feel what with my abominable behaviour, selfishness anger, cursing and bitterness I feel I have gone too far!!!!

 

And what if I end up walking away in anger????

Cant bare it. Just cant bare it.!!!d

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This makes me think of an example from one of my pastors. He described being at friends' home where they had a pool. His son had just started swimming lessons, so he thought it was a good opportunity to take him to the deep end. So his son jumped into the pool from the shallow end, and his dad told him, "I want to take you to the deep end." But the deeper the water got, the more anxious his son became. Finally the dad said, "Why are you so afraid?" And the son anxiously said, "Dad, I don't have a very good hold on you." And the father's reply, looking at his son's little hands, was, "But I've got a really good grip on you." And on thatt I stake my hope!

 

Although our family's struggles are small compared to many, especially many here, they often feel big to us, with stuff coming from multiple directions. In the past months I have had this image in my mind of play dough being pressed out through one of those kiddy play dough toys that turn play dough into cords of various shapes...like we are being extruded (is that even a word?). The other day the image moved out (I didn't get my bipolar dx for nothing!!) and I could see what was pressing on the clay. A hand with a nail-shaped scar. And I was struck by the fact that although Jesus won't stop at anything in his process of re-shaping us, He went first.

Thank you MeiMei, this has touched me. As excruciating as all of this is, I know it is for a purpose. I believe that although the journey is long, there is a joy on the other side that will be less affected by circumstance than if I had never experienced this.

 

 

That is what got me through the first 2 years. Now I no longer dare to hope for anything! I always hoped it meant God had a plan and He needed me to toughen up.

All ive done is proved I wasn't worth saving after all.

So ashamed!

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Meimeiquest.

 

I knew that I knew that I knew I was saved. Now although I still love Him I just cant feel it.

For the first time im doubting what happened to me.

I feel what with my abominable behaviour, selfishness anger, cursing and bitterness I feel I have gone too far!!!!

 

And what if I end up walking away in anger????

Cant bare it. Just cant bare it.!!!d

I pray everyday that my faith in Him will not be based on feeling or experience. But, will be based on knowing the truth no matter how I feel. And, pray a lot "Lord, I believe, help me in my unbelief." I pray that He keep me close to Him because I am not in my right mind, and I have to trust He will do it.

 

Nothing can go too far for God. It's His grace that went far enough.

 

I know the feeling Jopro, I do. It's terrible. It breaks my heart.

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Wildflower and Jopro how are you each doing these days?

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Pretty lousy.

 

But, God is here, even in this protracted hell on earth.

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Meimeiquest.

I knew that I knew that I knew I was saved. Now although I still love Him I just cant feel it.

For the first time im doubting what happened to me.

I feel what with my abominable behaviour, selfishness anger, cursing and bitterness I feel I have gone too far!!!!

And what if I end up walking away in anger????

Cant bare it. Just cant bare it.!!!d

I pray everyday that my faith in Him will not be based on feeling or experience. But, will be based on knowing the truth no matter how I feel. And, pray a lot "Lord, I believe, help me in my unbelief." I pray that He keep me close to Him because I am not in my right mind, and I have to trust He will do it.

Nothing can go too far for God. It's His grace that went far enough.

I know the feeling Jopro, I do. It's terrible. It breaks my heart.

"I pray that He will keep me close to Him because i am not in my right mind and I have to trust He will do it." These are wise words. This is how I feel too but not all the time... When i am out of control, my mind so disturbed and my body so afflicted, I pray that in those ments He is with me the most, holding me in His Love and Protrcting me and my loved ones...from me...

I am very sorry for my intrusion in your conversation...

Faith

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It's not an intrusion. :)

 

I always pray that He protect me from myself and others from me and that during this time, He overide my will and carry out His instead.

 

I've been fearful of myself for quite some time to some degree or another. It's an awful place to be.

 

I pray you find some peace, I pray we all do.

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It's not an intrusion. :)

 

I always pray that He protect me from myself and others from me and that during this time, He overide my will and carry out His instead.

 

I reply in love not in spite,

There is one thing God can't won't do and that is overide our free will we need to immerse ourselves in him surrender wholly and do his will.

 

The big problem is our free will is so strong that we hate to surrender and I suffer this so much myself, we want to beleive we can do it and I have made such a mess of my own life.

 

When you feel you are at our lowest remember he is cradleing you in his arms he feels your pain with you the journey may be long but you are not alone.

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Keep my eyes on Jesus ...Im trying!!!  :(

Me too. Just remember that we are forgiven.

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That is what got me through the first 2 years. Now I no longer dare to hope for anything! I always hoped it meant God had a plan and He needed me to toughen up.

All ive done is proved I wasn't worth saving after all.

So ashamed!

Jopro I was just viewing posts in this thread and read what you said, I wouldn't be surprised if many thought this, I thought God had a plan for me and followed through only to end in financial hardship and loss of house.

I tend to think some will get a big plan and others plan will be to be a beacon to shine his love through us as we go about our daily lives.

 

No matter how far we fall back we are all worth saving, "proven" that Jesus died so we may live,mind bending drugs will not change this fact.

 

Even if we stop living and behaving as we should there is one thing we can't really do and that is to deny the truth, when one genuinely accepts Jesus as their Lord and Saviour something is planted in us (Holy Spirit). We may not understand everything and won't until that glorious day but we know it is the truth and I don't believe that once we have beleived we can unbelieve.

 

I don't need to pray for your security and soul because You are His and He is yours but I will pray for a healthier and less tormented journey.

 

In his name Yeshua ha Masiach.

 

 

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THANKYOU Meimeiquest.

I NEEDED this.

I became a born again Christian only 6 yrs before my CT

. Im 57 and hated myself up until that point. I finanally was the person outside that id always wanted to be

 

But 32 months into wd im still very ill. Im so exhausted fighting.

And I am now going through the motions of Christian life but have begun to wonder what I felt and why..

Occasionally through crying out in tears I remember what the  real "truth" is. But mostly im just Hoping that I was right.

I never really got chance to grow in my faith.

I see a lot of behaviours slipping back that I hoped were gone forever and im doubting everything.

 

So very very scared of losing Him .He was my was everything.

 

Reading that I felt that I knew I was right and He is the truth.!!!  I  just hope He overlooks this disgusting me and holds on to me because I don't deserve it one bit.

Christianity is about thinking of others. I am totally ME centred. I don't want to be. But its how im surviving!

Keep my eyes on Jesus ...Im trying!!!  :(

He has had His eyes on you the whole time. Don't worry, He is still at work on all of us. That's one of the reasons we are still alive. In the end, not one of us can be good enough for Heaven. Except Jesus, who in His grace and mercy has won it for us. Right now, I am wrestling with the sins of bitterness and hatred toward those who have hurt me and robbed me of virtually everything that is considered to make life worth living.

 

Right now I'm considering becoming a hermit for religious reasons. I'm not a Catholic, so I am not required to take vows. (Kind of a voluntary thing.) It just seems as though as I withdraw from effexor I will need to spend large amounts of time alone, so why not  spend it in prayer and Bible study? That way it won't feel like such a waste.

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