Shep

☼ Shep's journey

909 posts in this topic

 

Thank you very much for your response, Alto.

 

I read through those links and came across this post on yet another great thread - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/8321-epsom-salts-baths-another-way-to-relax-with-magnesium/?hl=%2Bepsom+%2Bsalts

 

I think I'll give this a try. I should be able to get some epsom salt over the weekend. I think I'll try epsom salts before trying any type of supplement in a pill form. I guess I'm just scared of those right now. 

 

I did manage 5 hours of sleep last night from pure exhaustion. The subway was down for emergency repairs yesterday, so I had to walk home. Maybe that helped, too.

 

I think you're right about these bizarre symptoms being from sleep deprivation. For me, insomnia is turning out to be the worst symptom of all because it creates so many other symptoms. I know that's one reason I bought into the whole "chemical imbalance" lie. When I went on these drugs at 17, I was exhausted and traumatized. Sleep was an escape from that kind of hell. So I gravitated toward the sedating drugs like benzos, z-drugs, neuroleptics, and mood stabilizers. But it wasn't treating anything. It was just a gateway into a form of escape. Maybe it kept me from becoming a heroin addict or something just as destructive. In a way, maybe psychiatry is helpful, but in an inadvertent way. It's a slow kill but a real one. 

 

Thanks again, Alto. I hope you're doing well. 

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Insomnia Update:

 

Since my CNS is so sensitive to everything, I'm only using 1/2 cup of epsom salts in the evening. I definitely feel relaxed, but I'm not sure if it's just the epsom salts or if it's the warm bath (I usually just take a quick shower in the morning). But I'm more relaxed at bedtime and falling asleep faster.

 

For the past few nights, I've gotten 5 - 7 hours of sleep, so this is a great improvement. 

 

Also seeing more cognitive improvements. I'm reading more, walking more, and doing better at work.  I think as you feel better and can incorporate more healthy distractions, sleep will improve (of course there will be setbacks with waves). But over time, life will come in and start to fill in the blanks without me having to do much of anything but get out of my own way. 

 

This is giving my withdrawal a more natural and rhythmic feel to it.

 

It does get better.  

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Hi Shep

 

"I'm not sure if it's just the epsom salts or if it's the warm bath"

 

If it's working, who cares?!?  5-7 hours of sleep is worth it.

 

"get out of my own way"

 

And this definitely helps!  ;)

 

I'm pleased to hear that things are improving.

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Shep.  What a great post  !    Very encouraging.  What do you attribute the change to ?   Particularly , in regard to sleep .  Epsom Salts?

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Hi Shep

 

"I'm not sure if it's just the epsom salts or if it's the warm bath"

 

If it's working, who cares?!?  5-7 hours of sleep is worth it.

 

"get out of my own way"

 

And this definitely helps!  ;)

 

I'm pleased to hear that things are improving.

 

 

Thanks, ChessieCat. I scored another 5 hours of sleep last night. Still feeling exhausted, but not suicidal or desperate now. 

 

I hope you are doing well, too. 

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Shep.  What a great post  !    Very encouraging.  What do you attribute the change to ?   Particularly , in regard to sleep .  Epsom Salts?

 

That's a good question, AliG. It's hard to say because I'm still only using 1/2 cup of Epsom salts. I think part of it is the relaxation effect of taking a bath and settling in for the night a bit earlier. It's now becoming a part of a routine I look forward to. It's like I'm telling my brain around 8 pm that it's time to put on some quiet music and do something that relaxes both my brain AND my body. 

 

So if my brain is going haywire, at least I can relax my body. And my body can guide my mind. It's kind of like those body scan guided meditations. Here, let me post a link of a really good one - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8oKWQiEWYs

 

And here's a cool ASMR sleep meditation I found. You're in a car at night, you're safe and warm, and you're going on a long, relaxing drive:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPZoHtF_dRI

 

This one is so good, I rarely ever am awake when it finishes. There's something about being in a car at night being safely driven far away from this mess I've ended up in, away from my room in this over-crowded housing project, away from the series of menial jobs I've taken over the years to get off these drugs, away from the loud and toxic subway commute and the empty ache of this city, away from psychiatry and their cruel drugs and manipulation and lies, away to someplace calm and serene. . . . 

 

So if you can do a body scan meditation, followed by a calm and relaxing epsom salt bath, followed by that guided meditation, trust me when I say it's like a zillion times better than a z-drug or a benzo! 

 

If you're having trouble sleeping, I hope this helps you. We all deserve some sleep and peace during this nightmare experience. 

 

I also have the "craving" type of addiction. I don't think a lot of people can relate to that here, but I do miss the *high*, the soft and quiet oblivion of escape. I had some problems with alcohol when I was in my 20's, but I quit when I went back to college at night. I haven't had a drink in over 20 years. Of course, more psych drugs filled the void, especially the z-drugs. 

 

It's odd, but I'm finding the more "natural" techniques - meditation, reading, epsom salt baths, long walks, etc - the more it fills that "void" that comes from the craving type of addiction. I think it's because it opens up your imagination. Like with that ASMR driving video I just linked, I always come up with some sort of story line before I listen to it. Places I want to go to, things I want to see, and the like. That never happened when I was taking psych drugs - I just dropped into a drug-induced coma and went dead inside. 

 

That's why psychiatry is so flawed. There's no imagination and insight. Just unconsciousness. The bio-medical model of psychiatry is the death of thought. 

 

I'm hoping as the "dependency" addiction wanes, the "craving" will quiet and I can finally have some peace. . . . . 

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Wondering how you are now Shep?How are you feeling?  Are you still having the Epson baths? Its amazing that you write so well even when you are feeling crap. Im in NZ and have read through your whole bio and you have inspired me.  Reading it I felt sorrow and anger ( like my sorrow and anger in my life)  but your spirit is just so hopeful and beautiful that it helps me in my recovery. Its amazing how over long distance we can help one another, empathize, know and share. Truly I feel like myself, you and others have climbed mountains as high as the Himilayas in our quest to be well.   Im wondering were you ever able to get that kitten or does where you live restrict that? I know those days when you cant look at people in the eye and a pet is so good for that. Im sorry you lost your dog and know how hard that is. I have a small (very funny) dog who is 2 and she is my everything. I have found even when I havent been able to have a pet, I have found much relief in buying a beautiful toy that reminds me of an animals softness and just cuddling it. It may sound strange and pathetic but thats the truth. I so wish you well. Ive just come out of a bad patch so wanted to say Hi and keep it up. There always seems to be another mountain to climb but then sometimes I can see the beautiful valleys in between and know its good to be alive. Take care. 

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Wondering how you are now Shep?How are you feeling?  Are you still having the Epson baths? Its amazing that you write so well even when you are feeling crap. Im in NZ and have read through your whole bio and you have inspired me.  Reading it I felt sorrow and anger ( like my sorrow and anger in my life)  but your spirit is just so hopeful and beautiful that it helps me in my recovery. Its amazing how over long distance we can help one another, empathize, know and share. Truly I feel like myself, you and others have climbed mountains as high as the Himilayas in our quest to be well.   Im wondering were you ever able to get that kitten or does where you live restrict that? I know those days when you cant look at people in the eye and a pet is so good for that. Im sorry you lost your dog and know how hard that is. I have a small (very funny) dog who is 2 and she is my everything. I have found even when I havent been able to have a pet, I have found much relief in buying a beautiful toy that reminds me of an animals softness and just cuddling it. It may sound strange and pathetic but thats the truth. I so wish you well. Ive just come out of a bad patch so wanted to say Hi and keep it up. There always seems to be another mountain to climb but then sometimes I can see the beautiful valleys in between and know its good to be alive. Take care. 

 

 

I'm doing okay today, Alia. Thank you. I'm glad my posts are helpful for you. Do you have trouble sleeping? Definitely check out the video links in my post above. Those are very helpful and carry no side effects. 

 

No, unfortunately, I still can't adopt a kitten. I can't have pets where I live. But hopefully I'll be able to heal and get out of this place in a couple of years. I'm being very realistic on how long this may take.

 

Lol! Okay, I'll admit it, I do have a few stuffed animals that are comforting, so it doesn't sound strange to me! Hang onto whatever you can to get through this. I'm glad you have a real dog, though. I'm sure she is very comforting to you. 

 

I'm sorry you're going through a bad patch, but every time this brings you down, rest assured, you will come back. And you'll come back stronger. A LOT stronger. 

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Hi Shep. It's good to connect with other members who have been polydrugged. I have been following you since I found your thread. I am encouraged and discouraged at the same time because my cognitive function and memory problems started soon after I was started on the first drug. That was over 20 years ago. I surely hope I will regain all of my mental faculties when I am finally off benzodiazepines. I am happy for you but also a little envious because of my situation. I hope I can recover. Unlike you the drugs completely immobilized me for over a decade. I have begun a long journey to reclaim what was taken from me. I fear permanent brain damage.

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Hi Shep. It's good to connect with other members who have been polydrugged. I have been following you since I found your thread. I am encouraged and discouraged at the same time because my cognitive function and memory problems started soon after I was started on the first drug. That was over 20 years ago. I surely hope I will regain all of my mental faculties when I am finally off benzodiazepines. I am happy for you but also a little envious because of my situation. I hope I can recover. Unlike you the drugs completely immobilized me for over a decade. I have begun a long journey to reclaim what was taken from me. I fear permanent brain damage.

 

Hi, Marsha. Throughout all of this, the thoughts of "permanent brain damage" creep in, but don't buy into it. Back in 2014 I remember getting lost in my own neighborhood. I was using the navigation on my cell phone to help me get around. I thought my spacial skills where completely destroyed. But not so. It would take more than a year and a half after my Klonopin jump before I didn't need any technological help to go from my apartment to work. It was like being in this dark, thick haze. 

 

And then about 6 months after coming off my last drug, Seroquel, my stomach started healing. So getting completely off the drugs and giving yourself plenty of time to heal is key. And that doesn't speak to permanent damage. It's just the process is so long, it can wear you out. 

 

But don't give up hope. I saw this really interesting video by Dr. Normal Doidge about how the neuroplasticity of the brain means we can recover from all sorts of brain trauma. I watched it several times when I was in the thick of that haze, so I'll post it here for you and anyone else that is fearing this is permanent:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sK51nv8mo-o

 

Dr Norman Doidge , The Brain That Changes Itself 

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Shep .   This rings true , and unfortunately is the way the medical profession operates, particularly Psychiatry.

 

That's why psychiatry is so flawed. There's no imagination and insight. Just unconsciousness. The bio-medical model of psychiatry is the death of thought.

 

I'm pleased that you have found  a routine , that works for you . Thanks for the sleep meditation links.   Maybe you could post them in " Symptoms & Self- Care " . I'm sure many would find them helpful .

I hope it keeps up for you .

Ali

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Great links.  Thanks shep.  :)

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Thanks for stopping by, Ali and Alia
 
Ali, thanks for mentioning the Symptoms and Self Care section. I posted the links already mentioned and added a few more in the thread I started here:
 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/11667-guided-sleep-meditations-learning-to-sleep-after-30-years-of-being-polydrugged/?p=215837

 

Wishing everyone a great night's sleep. It does get better. 

 

 

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Thanks for stopping by, Ali and Alia

 

Ali, thanks for mentioning the Symptoms and Self Care section. I posted the links already mentioned and added a few more in the thread I started here:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/11667-guided-sleep-meditations-learning-to-sleep-after-30-years-of-being-polydrugged/?p=215837

 

Wishing everyone a great night's sleep. It does get better. 

 

 

Looks like my post was moved to an existing thread and can be found here:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6122-guided-meditations-calming-videos-sleep-hypnosis/?p=215837

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Major, major, major UPDATE:

 

Intrusive thoughts - GONE!

 

I've had these for 30 years in varying intensity. I believe these kinds of thought patterns made CBT and mindfulness impossible over the years. And it definitely made my PTSD a living hell. 

 

I'm sure this will play out in window and wave fashion, but the intrusive thoughts left almost overnight yesterday. And today they were toned down enough that I was able to use what I've learned from mindfulness to keep the volume down. 

 

This is a massive breakthrough that I will be processing in the months to come. How I can accept losing 30 years of my life, first to being locked up and forced onto these drugs to cover up child abuse, and then being lied to for 30 years for a fictitious chemical imbalance, is something that doesn't need to be solved overnight, but it does weigh heavy on my soul. 

 

Not sure if it's predatory capitalism by big pharma or the complete breakdown of society (a kind of culture-in-decline phenomena), but a society that drugs its children, elders, and mothers is a pretty sick and twisted society.

 

And yet, here we all are. . . . . 

 

Everyone reading this - please know this all gets better. If you're tapering, keep tapering slowly and carefully. If you're off all meds and still struggling, just hang on. 

 

This is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but the end result is going to be so worth it. To be honest, I wasn't really aware of how bad the intrusive thoughts were until they left.

 

I think withdrawal is like that - you don't truly know what it's like to be on these drugs until you're off and on the way to being healed. 

 

 

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"Intrusive thoughts - GONE!

 

I've had these for 30 years in varying intensity. I believe these kinds of thought patterns made CBT and mindfulness impossible over the years. And it definitely made my PTSD a living hell. 

 

I'm sure this will play out in window and wave fashion, but the intrusive thoughts left almost overnight yesterday. And today they were toned down enough that I was able to use what I've learned from mindfulness to keep the volume down."

 

 

What fantastic news.  Really exciting to hear of the breakthrough.  There may be windows and waves, but at least now you know how different it can be and hang on to that if the waves happen.  Hopefully if they do they will only be small waves and not last long. 

Edited by JanCarol
fixed quote

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Thanks, ChessieCat! And today the thoughts are still mostly gone. So no complaints. 

 

I checked out your website that you have linked in your signature. Very nice site with lots of useful information. 

 

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Wow Shep that is a major breakthrough! Do you think your practice of mindfulness led to this development? Wow - long may it last.. Yes I understand about the grief and I guess anger of what has happened to you. The same has happened to me over my physical health (medical misadventure) which has left me with permanent nerve damage and physical pain. And having been put on countless drugs and also labelled a chronic depressive.  But in the early days I was so upset and angry that I was enraged. I talked to my (lovely) counsellor and I decided for me, I couldnt focus on it all the time, as it almost re-traumatised me. He had a saying..."The best revenge is to live well"...and that has kept me going. Not to say for some, getting recompense or some kind of accountability isn't worthwhile. Its whatever makes us individually be able to cope. But I know how you feel. The good thing is, with your huge journey you can help others...which you have done for me already. thanks. 

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Thanks for your kind words, Alia. I’m glad my posts have helped you.

 

Oh yes, I do credit mindfulness for many improvements. I think anything you can do to calm the CNS is helpful. And it helps with anger, with grief, and with dealing with any overwhelming emotions. This is a very long journey without much support at all. 

 

I understand where you’re coming from – the labels they put on us are so incredibly harmful and really unnecessary. It’s like it becomes another weight we must carry on top of the rest of the pain. You said you were labeled a "chronic depressive", which makes no sense because the doctors were labeling you for their own incompetence in treating your pain! That's really unfair. Who wouldn't be depressed when they're in pain all the time? 

 

I think it's great you have a counselor that’s helping you. And his quote is powerful. Was it hard to find a counselor that understands psychiatric drug withdrawal? 

 

I’m hoping as you get off your medication and start the healing process, your CNS will become less sensitive and the pain will diminish. These drugs do so much damage to the CNS, but from what I’m experiencing and from everything I’ve read, we do recover. 

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Notes on dp/dr:

 

I don't know when I'll be able to completely shake this deep and disturbing dissociative state I've been in for over two years, but something is slowly changing. This morning when I was walking to work and then this afternoon when I was walking home, I noticed that the city looked clearer. Kind of like putting on a brand new pair of glasses and being able to see clearly all of a sudden. It had that sudden sense of clarity.

 

And the buildings looked more "solid". And like they were standing up the way they're supposed to and not leaning. They didn't have that scary sense of "other" and "not belonging". 

 

The people still look plastic, like mannequins and eye contact is a hit or a miss because it seems to trip this weird vibe of paranoia that enters my eyes and feels like a stabbing pain in my stomach and I just need to get away from people. But that's not happening as much. 

 

Damn, I may come out of this less like a mental patient than when I was fully drugged and compliant. 

 

Psychiatry is a sick disease. 

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Making note of something I placed in the Symptoms area so I can update my insomnia, or rather, the LACK of insomnia - got 8 hours of sleep last night.

 

I've been drinking Trader Joe's Wellrested Herbal Tea which has:

 

INGREDIENTS: Chamomile Flowers, Lemon Grass, Spearmint Leaves, Tilia Flowers, Peppermint Leaves, Passionflower Leaves, Blackberry Leaves, Orange Blossoms, Hawthorn Berries, and Rosebuds.

 

Just one cup in the evening, and I'm noticing I drift off to sleep easier AND last night I was able to go back to sleep and I slept almost 8 hours for the first time in a really, really long time.

 

I'm 10 months off all meds, so no drug interactions to worry about. 

 

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Thanks Shep for your words.  Yes it was very hard to find a counsellor that understands. In NZ he was in the public system and I only got to see him after a suicide attempt . I was hospitalised and everyone else backed off and they brought him in. He specialised in chronic pain with "mood disorder'. He saved my life. He helped me get off some of the other stuff...valium...neurontin and he listened and told me..".Hey it sounds like the drugs are contributing to your distress" It was often really hard to get hold of him as he was so busy but when I did he was so true. He helped me work out how to cut meds etc. But then he was sent to work with people who have become tetraplegics and paraplegics and I could no longer see him. But he gave me the tools to question everything. We argued about anti depressants though...he thought they were good..I didnt. But I think he wold be pleased with what I'm doing. He was quite eccentric and got in a lot of trouble in the department and they were always trying to fire him. He saw me for about 6 years when he was supposed only see me for about one. I figured he did this for all his patients so I think thats why they shifted him. He told me he had never met anyone who in psychosis or mania, he wasnt able to be talked to like the human they were inside their pain.  No, I have never some across his like again and basically now...stay away.

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Cool about the tea!

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Thanks Shep for your words.  Yes it was very hard to find a counsellor that understands. In NZ he was in the public system and I only got to see him after a suicide attempt . I was hospitalised and everyone else backed off and they brought him in. He specialised in chronic pain with "mood disorder'. He saved my life. He helped me get off some of the other stuff...valium...neurontin and he listened and told me..".Hey it sounds like the drugs are contributing to your distress" It was often really hard to get hold of him as he was so busy but when I did he was so true. He helped me work out how to cut meds etc. But then he was sent to work with people who have become tetraplegics and paraplegics and I could no longer see him. But he gave me the tools to question everything. We argued about anti depressants though...he thought they were good..I didnt. But I think he wold be pleased with what I'm doing. He was quite eccentric and got in a lot of trouble in the department and they were always trying to fire him. He saw me for about 6 years when he was supposed only see me for about one. I figured he did this for all his patients so I think thats why they shifted him. He told me he had never met anyone who in psychosis or mania, he wasnt able to be talked to like the human they were inside their pain.  No, I have never some across his like again and basically now...stay away.

 

Wow, Alia, he really sounds like an interesting and insightful counselor. I'm sorry he got sent onto other types of work, but he definitely gave you some great information to use going forward.

 

I really think we get to create our own baseline as we recover, so these kinds of experiences are the kinds to build on. It's unfortunate that counselors and doctors still don't see the real damage of AD's and hyperfocus on the problems with benzos, since ironically the withdrawal is very, very similar. But hopefully this will change. 

 

I hope today is a good day for you. 

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Dp/dr update:

 

Only slept a couple of hours. Very toxic. Entered a new layer of disassociation, but it's kind of a free-thinking disassociation. My thoughts aren't dark, just scrambled. The distortions aren't scary, just erratic. 

 

I don't have to work today and tomorrow so I'm going to find a movie on Netflix and not do much this weekend. 

 

I think that mindfulness is still working. It's like a series of stop lights that control the movement of thoughts so they don't go down the dark rabbit hole of depression. I've been working with various types of mindfulness for almost two years now, and a lot of it is automatic now. I can't control the dp/dr any more than I could control a headache or a stomach ache, but I do have control over whether or not I engage in dialogue with the thoughts. 

 

I chose not to engage in conversation with those thoughts, but merely let them ramble on as if they are an obnoxious neighbor or a barking dog. The distortions are a bit more difficult because sound moves in different directions and furniture seems "off" and "unrecognizable" as if I'm living in a stranger's apartment. 

 

I've read that coming off drugs, especially long term use of multiple hypnotics, can cause this and it can last for years. But dp/dr can be an incredible teacher for mindfulness exploration.  

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Dp/dr update:

 

Only slept a couple of hours. Very toxic. Entered a new layer of disassociation, but it's kind of a free-thinking disassociation. My thoughts aren't dark, just scrambled. The distortions aren't scary, just erratic. 

 

I don't have to work today and tomorrow so I'm going to find a movie on Netflix and not do much this weekend. 

 

I think that mindfulness is still working. It's like a series of stop lights that control the movement of thoughts so they don't go down the dark rabbit hole of depression. I've been working with various types of mindfulness for almost two years now, and a lot of it is automatic now. I can't control the dp/dr any more than I could control a headache or a stomach ache, but I do have control over whether or not I engage in dialogue with the thoughts. 

 

I chose not to engage in conversation with those thoughts, but merely let them ramble on as if they are an obnoxious neighbor or a barking dog. The distortions are a bit more difficult because sound moves in different directions and furniture seems "off" and "unrecognizable" as if I'm living in a stranger's apartment. 

 

I've read that coming off drugs, especially long term use of multiple hypnotics, can cause this and it can last for years. But dp/dr can be an incredible teacher for mindfulness exploration. 

 

Hi Shep. Would you read my last post on my thread please? We have very similar histories with psych drugs although I didn't get put on them until I was in my forties. Your experience in coming off could help me at this point in time.

Edited by JanCarol
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 Hi Shep. Would you read my last post on my thread please? We have very similar histories with psych drugs although I didn't get put on them until I was in my forties. Your experience in coming off could help me at this point in time.

 

Hi, Marsha. I just posted on your thread, but please post any specific questions on your thread and I'll be happy to answer what I can.

 

Take care. 

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Thanks for the recent post this week. Hope things are ok.  Am impressed with your mindfulness techniques. I really want to learn more of these techniques. For some reason I have a block about mindfulness. I did a course once but didn't keep it up. I think its because my crazy and unhelpful thoughts are terrified they won't be in control so are always sabotaging me..."Eg...watch TV...eat a sandwich...dont sit still. look at that...you're stupid...you're crazy.......blah blah blah" God Im so sick of my thoughts. 

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Thanks for the recent post this week. Hope things are ok.  Am impressed with your mindfulness techniques. I really want to learn more of these techniques. For some reason I have a block about mindfulness. I did a course once but didn't keep it up. I think its because my crazy and unhelpful thoughts are terrified they won't be in control so are always sabotaging me..."Eg...watch TV...eat a sandwich...dont sit still. look at that...you're stupid...you're crazy.......blah blah blah" God Im so sick of my thoughts. 

 

Aw, Alia. It's going to be okay.

 

Those are NOT your thoughts! Not by a long shot, my friend. You have yet to say anything "stupid" or "crazy". Those thoughts are coming from withdrawal. Don't pay them any attention.

 

There's a free online mindfulness course I'll link here - http://palousemindfulness.com/

 

I haven't been able to even get through day 1 of this! And yet I'm coming along great with my practice! Weird, isn't it?

 

I have a theory that I'm just not ready for anything structured, but I'm getting a lot of benefit of simply going onto YouTube and putting on videos by Mooji, Tara Brach, Eckhart Tolle, Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn, and there are many others out there on YouTube.

 

In fact, when I had looping thoughts, I was listening to so many Mooji videos, that my thoughts started looping Mooji! And that's not a bad thing to have mindfulness looping through your head. In fact, it was quite relaxing.   :)

 

Here are three of my favorite Mooji videos. They helped me learn how to not engage in my thoughts and to find a peaceful place mentally even when I lost my apartment, my dog, and everything I'd worked hard for over the years. The cost of withdrawal is very, very high. Having a "safe place" to go to in your mind means everything at times like that. I hope these help you, too. 

 

         Nervousness, Anxiety & Fear ~ Spoken by Mooji (approximately 10 minutes)

 

         Unbound Peace ~ Mooji (approximately 14 minutes)

 

         From Fear to Stillness ~ Mooji (approximately 9 minutes)

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Thanks Shep :) . Ill try these out.

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I really admire the way you fight your battle and find it very inspiring.

 

I've been trying to get serious about mindfulness for a very long time and your experience is very important for me. I did try that website after you posted the link but I think 30 mins of body scan is too much for the brains in our state to start with. I don't think I ever made it past knees. I would just fall asleep but woke up anxious.

 

Now I found an application where you can go gradually starting with 2 mins.

 

I very much look forward to trying out the links you posted now and hope you start feeling better soon.

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Thanks for stopping by my thread, Alia and bubble. 

 

Bubble, the 30 minute scan is a lot to start out with. You are so right about that. I'm glad you found one that's shorter and works better for you. 

 

I stayed solely with the Mooji videos for months and months and let my mind acclimate before I could do the body scan videos. My symptoms have been almost 100% mental - lots of memory problems, dp/dr, visual hallucinations, and suicidal thinking. I have that symptom where you don't feel like you're attached to your body, so when Mooji says you aren't your body, well, let's just say I can relate. 

 

Another trick I found to easing my way into doing mindfulness is a few hours before bed, I listen to jazz. It puts me into a quiet headspace.

 

Not sure if it will work for everyone, but I find that Miles Davis and John Contrane are great for creating the right climate to go into a meditative state and relax, but any type of relaxing music you're into may work. 

 

This is one of my favorite albums to help relax my mind after work: 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2UKZEIE0os

 

Miles Davis Ballads and Blues full jazz album

 

 

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Documenting my melatonin experience:

 

I read through the Melatonin for sleep: Many people find it helpful thread, as well as sending Alto a PM. She was kind enough to reply and mention some other supplements that might help with staying asleep, as melatonin is only good for getting to sleep. 

 

I posted follow-up questions here in the insomnia thread - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/53-sleep-problems-that-awful-withdrawal-insomnia/?p=218889

 

Night one -  .5 mg slept about 4 or 5 hours, but woke up early.

 

Night two - .5 mg slept about 4 or 5 hours and woke up to a lot of police activity in the building twice during the night. 

 

Night three - .5 mg slept about 4 hours. Woke up around 1 am and took an additional .25 mg. Fell asleep around 5 am and slept until 8 am. 

 

I felt okay, but a bit depressed. I dunno. It could be the weather. And I get anxious about situational circumstances. 

 

I think it's helping enough to keep working with it for a few more nights.

 

I feel really tired, but I think that's because I spent years coming off so many drugs and I'm just really tired of it all at this point. Too much collateral damage and a broken medical system. Feeling very isolated, but still hopeful that this will end well. 

 

 

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I was reading your thread on insomnia and today you mentioned feeling low. You were worried about depression coming back. I know how scary that can be. I wanted to say 'Banish that thought! Banish that thought from your mind. You are tired, not depressed. This feeling is withdrawal related. But I hesitated thinking maybe that would sound trite. Now that I have enjoyed reading some of your inspiring thread, I have your own words to offer back to you.

 

"Those thoughts are coming from withdrawal. Don't pay them any attention."

 

I hope you sleep well tonight, Shep. I've used sleep hypnosis, too. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.

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Hi, Leahy. Thanks so much for your kind words. They mean a lot tonight.

 

You're right - I am much more tired than depressed. And thanks for quoting me! Lol! Sometimes I'm better at giving advice to others than I am at treating myself kindly. 

 

I hope you are doing well today. 

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