Thanks for mentioning this, Andy. The fact that you are so very functional and yet dealing with "large chunks" of memory loss gives me a great deal of hope that I'll get more functional even if some of the memory loss is permanent.
This is part of a very interesting subject, Shep, regarding the importance of "memory" to "function." There are those that would argue that they are distinct and that if you woke up tomorrow with total amnesia, you could still be retrained and move forward in a functional manner. You would, of course, be a very different person. The role of memory in making us the distinct "snowflakes" that we are is significant, however, I think it can be overstated. Sometimes we make the conscious decision to "block" things from our past in order to allow us to move forward. Sometimes that decision is unconscious and is "made for us." I think, in your case, your higher function is returning at a very rapid rate (hence the reason for the exercise in rereading your own thread). Your rate of functional "reboot" is exceeding that of the integration of memory into the process but I believe that portion will return as well. Some of it may not, but it may well be that the part that does not is a "decision" made deep within. We tend to think that all memory is "good" memory and that is simply not the case.
Remember that our brains are constantly in protective mode and for someone like you, who has had the ultimate in self-protection (depersonalization) in spades, your brain has already shown the proclivity to take every possible step to protect you. For those of us who deal with dp/dr, I suspect that the return of memory is a longer, more drawn out process because of this self-protective propensity.
Just some thoughts on this very interesting subject.
Andy, the part I placed in blue is such an insightful comment.
I've been having these really intense "mystical experiences" for about a year (maybe more or less, I'm not good with time), and I'm wondering how much credence I should give them. I know enough not to give them "voice", as this will get me caught back up in the system (I have a history of psychosis and spiritual crisis). But even at my worst, it wasn't at this intensity.
I think what may be happening is the "functional re-boot" as you call it, is indeed, much faster than I'm able to integrate memory. So there's an over-think of the chaos that comes from memory loss. It's like I'm trying to fill in the blanks of memory loss as my cognitive function returns and seeks out a credible narrative. And I just can't remember.
I see these "visuals" - partly rebound visuals from 30 years of antipsychotics and partly dp/dr. The visuals seem to incorporate the mystical, and the dp/dr is reality that is horrifically distorted with plastic faces, buildings that bend and sway, voices that have side-echoes, and walls that seem liquid and empty with shadows disconnected from their source. 30 years of 40 psych drugs seems to have melted parts of my brain. Reality is redacted and the edits are unchecked. Throw in the post-truth news age, and chaos takes the lead role of this surreality play.
So I'm going to be more mindful of the fact that as my cognitive function improves, it will do a seek-out of many of these missing memories. And that will amp up anxiety and fear. I'll be more prone to fixate on things like climate change and spirituality as the cognitive search party goes on maneuvers. And it may even go in search of those memories that I'd like to keep hidden. As you say, not all memories are "good".
Thank you for pointing this out. I'll make sure I have things to do to "change the channel" because these fixations can be disturbing and can spiral. And I could very easily get "caught" back up in the system.
I'll come up with a list of non-drug coping skills to help with this, now that I can re-frame some of my current symptoms in this context. I think I can learn to find peace in a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces. My footing is sound now, so I don't need the full guide map. Also, concentrating on what I do remember that is good can help entertain the mind and keep it away from the search party fixations.
Thanks for the link to the dp manual website on memory loss. I'm intrigued with the concept of "concentration loss" as opposed to "memory loss".
Benzos can cause anterograde amnesia, so it could be a combination of things. Throw in an overactive imagination, too, because I think that plays a part. And maybe it plays the solution, too.
Thanks. This is more helpful than I can say.
Locked up and forced onto drugs as a teenager - misdiagnosed manic depressive.
Developed dependency and stayed on cocktails of drugs for nearly 30 years.
My Intro: Shep's Journey
Last drug cocktail: Seroquel, Halcion, Klonopin, Sonata, Vibrydd, and Dexetrine
After 30 years of polydrug use, completely med free May 22, 2015.
Remaining symptoms: dp/dr with memory problems and insomnia
I am not a medical professional, and this is not medical advice, but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.