tootsieroll: another member from PP

[Tootsieroll]

I hope everyone is well. 2017 did not start off on the right foot for me. I find myself in deep pain in my soul. Nothing is going right. Too many stressors are being thrown at me and I can't contain my emotions. Lacking the sleep and energy to keep my composure and not break down.

 

But I am breaking down because it's so darn difficult to hold on for so long. How do you not take personally all the judgment directed at you? I know when people judge, its out of a lack of knowledge but i'm finding it tough to not be defensive and blaming it on their lack of compassion.

 

I'm just so tired of being tired.

[scallywag]

When I was having a difficult time with other people's words and judgements, a friend said to me,

"Do you take it personally when a dog poops on the/your lawn? The dog is just doing what dogs do.  It's not personal even though it's your lawn.
 
"People are just doing what people do -- judge other people. There's no difference between people judging people and dogs pooping on lawns. "

edited to add: This doesn't excuse the dog's human caretaker from cleaning up after the dog, nor does it justify inflicting our judgements on other people.

[Tootsieroll]

Looking for some encouragement and moral support. I can't believe I'm this far out and still dealing with the negative thoughts. I wish it would go away already. I have an issue with being alone and need some positive reinforcements as I can't seem to turn my thoughts around. If I do, it just reverts back to original thought. The most screwed up part is my brother works not too far from my house but somehow my mind is latching to negatives only. Afraid i will have to go to his work like a child and maybe regretfully making him look like a fool. I know it's my mind blowing it out of proportion but why can't my brain just settle down and be comfortable? I mean some people find being home alone comforting. I use to. I am so tense that my extremities sometimes feel numb, as a tingle courses through it. This feeling leads to other symptoms. How do i distract from this? Can anyone talk sense into me??? I felt so proud I surpassed year 3 and now my pride has taken a backseat.

Edited May 7, 2017 by scallywag
merged topic "Can't deal with symptoms anymore"

[ShakeyJerr]

Breath. Deep belly breaths and exhale thoroughly. 

 

I am also going through a very rough symptom morning. Up since 4am. Hard to calm myself. Racing thoughts. Nerve pain. Anxiety.

 

But we must remember that we have had good moments during all of this - good days too. We will get through this.

 

Drink some decaf black tea. Or some chamomile.

 

Breath.

 

Pray.

 

You are not alone, my friend. We are here for you. There are people who love you and care about you.

 

I will pray for you right now.

 

Dear Lord God - please give Your presence to to Tootsieroll. Help her to feel You there in a clear and present way. Surround her with Your love, Your peace. Help her to breath in Your strength. Take her thoughts captive to Your love. Bring her peace, Lord God. Your perfect peace and Your perfect presence.

 

SJ

Edited May 7, 2017 by scallywag
merged topic "Can't deal with symptoms anymore"

[Tootsieroll]

Sorry for posting here but I'm having a rough time. I don't do well when i'm on my own and this fear is overwhelming. Did you experience this type of monophobia? I dont know what to do. I just spent the last couple hours crying and writhing all over the floor like a wounded animal cause the anxiety is too much to bear. Now i wish i hadn't cried cause it inflammed my sinuses and I can't breathe which compounds everything. Please do you have any comforting words or stories of how you overcame your most darkest moment. I am forever thankful. I'm just so tired and would like some peace of mind so i can sleep at least.

Edited May 6, 2017 by scallywag
moved from GiaK's success story topic

[powerback]

Looking for some encouragement and moral support. I can't believe I'm this far out and still dealing with the negative thoughts. I wish it would go away already. I have an issue with being alone and need some positive reinforcements as I can't seem to turn my thoughts around. If I do, it just reverts back to original thought. The most screwed up part is my brother works not too far from my house but somehow my mind is latching to negatives only. Afraid i will have to go to his work like a child and maybe regretfully making him look like a fool. I know it's my mind blowing it out of proportion but why can't my brain just settle down and be comfortable? I mean some people find being home alone comforting. I use to. I am so tense that my extremities sometimes feel numb, as a tingle courses through it. This feeling leads to other symptoms. How do i distract from this? Can anyone talk sense into me??? I felt so proud I surpassed year 3 and now my pride has taken a backseat.

For a start look how far you've come ,3 years is great well done , ide agree with what shakey says ,I also suffer terribly lately with the intrusive thoughts ,there basically ruining my life at the moment.

Try witness your thoughts as just a thought and not a command ,it's all part of the horrible anxiety /ocd trap we get in because of these drugs .

When I'm bad with it I stick the earphones in and go for a walk .

 

When theres so much anxiety energy in us the worst thing we can do is to just sit there .do anything to distract yourself with in reason,

I was very bad the other night so I went downstairs and cooked dinner and prepared the next days , before I knew it 2 hours had passed.

As I Wright this I'm in a very bad anxiety​ state but I know I have to walk it off later,I understand we might not want to go outside ,but even jog on the spot , anything healthy to relive it.

I believe we have to plan our day out and be mindful of what triggers us ,I can't even watch TV or read a paper because it sets me off on all my failures and non achievements.

Take care

Edited May 7, 2017 by scallywag
merged topic "Can't deal with symptoms anymore"

[manymoretodays]

Hi Tootsieroll,

 

I really liked post #67 of Gia's(back on page 2 .......maybe that will help? 

 

And I do remember when this whole package of withdrawal/reintegrating body/mind/and spirit felt like what you describe......"I spent the last couple of hours crying and writhing all over the floor like a wounded animal.......".

 

Are you always on your own or is this something new as well?  A feeling of alone ness or a new situation?  You don't have to disclose.  For me, most often now......I never "feel" alone so I guess you could say I do pretty well on my own.........which again, doesn't even sound right to me, now.........as there is always someone, something.........even when I used to struggle and feel so overcome with fear/anxiety. 

 

And oh.......I could get mad and express that to that someone.......sometimes a physical human being, sometimes not(the sometimes not would then be just outloud or on paper, or like you, a post here on SA)........so.........that helped me.  Just being real with how I felt.  For me........usually if fear/anxiety was first to arrive........next would come anger/resentment..........and then.........for me, I always knew I was reaching the other side when the tears came.........such a great release, the tears.  Hoping your breathing is better now as well.

 

I'm getting close to 3 years off my Lexapro and doing real well.  And yah........will write on up a success story for you and others when it all feels right to do so.  I just thought for me........that I would wait for a whole 6 mos. window, or not..........we'll see.......

 

Hope this helps.  Love, peace, healing, and growth intentions sent......

 

manymoretodays.

 

p.s. oh yah......I pretend a lot too........maybe not the best choice of words but.......pretend I am well enough, healed enough, have enough, have reached that proverbial "there".........and then........voila.........I am for awhile, or a longer stretch.........  Hugs to you tootsie.....if you are up to them.

Edited May 6, 2017 by scallywag
moved from GiaK's success story topic

[ShakeyJerr]

Cutting out news in TV, Facebook, and so on has been a must for me too. That is a trigger. I fund myself with a lot of time on my hands, but the old hobbies (tv, movies, reading) are triggers now also.

 

I try to get out and walk. When the weather is bad like this week, I read old comic books. I have also downloaded some word games on my tablet. That helps nurn some time and helps with neuroplasticity (which, Tootsieroll, is important to healing our brains because it promotes ne neurons to grow). Just be sure not to play anything with flashing lights or too many bells and whistles (I keep the sound off to avoid noises and repetitive soundtracks). And as soon as any frustration with the game or puzzle sets in, turn it off and get up and ealk around the house.

 

Powerback is right - be enciuraged by your progress and don't let setbacks (we all have them; it's the windows and waves pattern) become a repeating script in your head.

 

SJ

Edited May 7, 2017 by scallywag
merged topic "Can't deal with symptoms anymore"

[myndfull]

Tootsieroll -- I'm in my third year of tapering from Celexa and I'm going through a tough time at the moment. Dropped too precipitously last month and I'm paying the price. I'm going to hold steady for another month before my next drop. I wanted to second all that's been said above. In particular, don't watch TV, especially the news. It's been toxic; the political climate is much too abrasive. I find that physical work of some kind helps me; using my hands. Cooking. I can get obsessive about it. I'm cleaning up our backyard and there won't be a dandelion left before I'm through. A walk, a run, a hike; getting out into some fresh air among people is a wonderful distraction. I'm going to see a movie today with my wife; a comedy. Get in touch with your brother; tell him how you're feeling. Imagine that as a positive interaction. Don't let your pride get involved. Remember the love you have for each other; start from there. Someone on this site said "Surf the waves." That's what I try to do. It's hard. If I succeed I take some pride in knowing that I know that. Gives me hope. You got off Celexa and benzos. That's a lot to be proud of. I'm proud of you.

Edited May 7, 2017 by scallywag
merged topic "Can't deal with symptoms anymore"

[Tootsieroll]

You guys are my angels. Thank you for the warmth and consolation, you do not understand how much it means to me. Just so you know, from my point of view, you guys are extremely brave, there is such clarity even when you are suffering too.

 

I did break down after begging not to be left alone (pathetic for my age) and cried and cried for almost 2 hours. This is the type of crying that is so deep it would seem like my life depended on it. Oddest thing is, although my anxiety persisted, I was suddenly able to breathe and not feel like bricks sitting on my chest as my heart pounded through. Something tells me that I had to let cortisol out of my body in such a fashion. I hate it..cause it literally feels like ive given up when im on the floor weeping. It meant I needed to surrender. But it was surreal to feel the energy travel from my belly and outwards. Like your suggestions, I did deep breathing, praying, walking, obsessively cleaning something (night before when I knew i'd be alone this morning) and nothing worked except the animalistic crying. This isn't practical because i can't bawl in the middle of somewhere when I'm hit with death grip anxiety. I dont know any other way to control it. I dont feel like im equipped for this. Ever since coming off benzos, i've had an apathy like no other towards everything so distractions don't connect with my senses. Im left with an inability to focus on one thing while my mind runs amuck. 3 years is 3 years too long for this. None of us deserve to experience this for any longer. We deserve inner peace. I suppose we needed to get through the gunk to reach that destination.

Edited May 7, 2017 by scallywag
merged topic "Can't deal with symptoms anymore"

[ShakeyJerr]

Crying is a great way to release what is going on inside of us, Tootsieroll! There is absolutely no shame in it at all. I do a lot of crying - I think we all do. Heck, I escape to a stall in the bathroom during work if I feel the need to cry. And I almost always cry when I go for a prayer walk.

 

And yes, it does actually help to wash out the cortisol. There is actually a chemical difference between "Ow, my foot got hurt" reflexive tears, and heartfelt emotional tears:

 

"Emotional tears have special health benefits. Biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis discovered that reflex tears are 98% water, whereas emotional tears also contain stress hormones which get excreted from the body through crying. After studying the composition of tears, Dr. Frey found that emotional tears shed these hormones and other toxins which accumulate during stress." - https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-freedom/201007/the-health-benefits-tears

 

God created our bodies with mechanisms that work to our good. Right now, some of our mechanisms have been damaged by the very drugs that were supposed to help us. But God built us to heal. We will reach our healing destination.

 

SJ

Edited May 7, 2017 by scallywag
merged topic "Can't deal with symptoms anymore"

[manymoretodays]

Sorry for posting here but I'm having a rough time. I don't do well when i'm on my own and this fear is overwhelming. Did you experience this type of monophobia? I dont know what to do. I just spent the last couple hours crying and writhing all over the floor like a wounded animal cause the anxiety is too much to bear. Now i wish i hadn't cried cause it inflammed my sinuses and I can't breathe which compounds everything. Please do you have any comforting words or stories of how you overcame your most darkest moment. I am forever thankful. I'm just so tired and would like some peace of mind so i can sleep at least.

Hi tootsie......again.......I hope you don't mind my answering your post as best I could.  I'm not Gia...... but I will totally endorse her site where you may find many helpful coping ideas as well as inspiration.   I read through your introduction and some of my questions above are now answered.

 

Best,

 

mmt

 

thanks scally for moving the posts......and I vow to.....in the future.......just go to the lists to find intros......

[Tootsieroll]

Former thread title: Insomnia, anticipation anxiety, heart palps ...

 

I can't believe I still deal with this at 3.5 months out.  Sleep is a hit or miss and if I don't get adequate sleep it intensifies everything.  Or maybe its the other way round, everything intensifies the insomnia.    I still have a major case of monophobia.  I just wish my anhedonia would improve, that way I can distract from these horrifying thoughts and feelings.  Just getting so tired of fighting these symptoms and having to create a positive dialogue in my head that feels so unnatural.  It doesn't work because once the negative symptoms overpower me, so do the negative thoughts.  Can't fight the negative thoughts that fuel the uncomfortable heart palps.  I don't want to feel like this forever.  I'm so tired (on a soul level) and can't seem to keep myself going today.  Would appreciate any positive thoughts my way.  I hope you are all doing better than I today.

Edited June 27, 2017 by scallywag
merged topic; add former thread title

[PoetJester]

Hi Tootsieroll

 

I am not sure how many positive thoughts I have, but I can offer some commiseration.  I am in the same boat, 3 1/2 years out still with poor sleep and fatigue.  some days the frustration levels are almost too much.  there doesn't seem to be much of a future in wd.  I am done crying for the most part.  I had heavy weeping for the first two years and now feel mostly spent emotionally.  one bright point though, is that I have picked up a new vocation the past 1 1/2 years during all this wd crap.  on the days, that my sleep is ok and my fatigue not too great, I go out on my bike to local golf courses and look for all the lost balls in the hazards.  I find between 100 and 300 a day.  I call the balls that I find "chokeberries" since they are from golfers choking on their shots.   I really enjoy the hunt and sell what I find on craigslist to make extra $ that usually ends up going towards buying supplements that never work or do much to help my sleep and gi problems.  If I didn't have the work, I don't know what I would do.   half the days my sleep is so poor I can't leave my apt and just sit around on the computer wondering if it might be my last day on earth.  I did start taking ambien recently since my sleep was often only 2 hours a night and have had some luck with it so far, but who knows if it will last.  anyways, I hope you see some improvement to your day. 

 

poetjester

[scallywag]

toots - I've moved your post/question to your introduction topic so that all your information, questions and answers are in one place.

 

Please figure out a way to get back to this topic to post your updates and questions. You're following your intro so you'll find it listed under "Manage Followed Content," an option on the drop-down menu when you click on the little down-pointing triangle next to your username at the top right of every page.

 

You could also bookmark it on your phone, computer, tablet, and any device that you use.

[Tootsieroll]

On June 27, 2017 at 10:42 AM, PoetJester said:

Hi Tootsieroll

 

I am not sure how many positive thoughts I have, but I can offer some commiseration.  I am in the same boat, 3 1/2 years out still with poor sleep and fatigue.  some days the frustration levels are almost too much.  there doesn't seem to be much of a future in wd.  I am done crying for the most part.  I had heavy weeping for the first two years and now feel mostly spent emotionally.  one bright point though, is that I have picked up a new vocation the past 1 1/2 years during all this wd crap.  on the days, that my sleep is ok and my fatigue not too great, I go out on my bike to local golf courses and look for all the lost balls in the hazards.  I find between 100 and 300 a day.  I call the balls that I find "chokeberries" since they are from golfers choking on their shots.   I really enjoy the hunt and sell what I find on craigslist to make extra $ that usually ends up going towards buying supplements that never work or do much to help my sleep and gi problems.  If I didn't have the work, I don't know what I would do.   half the days my sleep is so poor I can't leave my apt and just sit around on the computer wondering if it might be my last day on earth.  I did start taking ambien recently since my sleep was often only 2 hours a night and have had some luck with it so far, but who knows if it will last.  anyways, I hope you see some improvement to your day. 

 

poetjester

 

Thanks poetjester for sharing.  Im so glad to see you taking your situation and making something positive out of it!  I don't know how you can focus at work with barely any sleep but that is amazing.  I dont mind the no sleep because that just means I spend my days like a zombie at home but the other symptoms are not so welcome for me.  They make me fearful and unable to function in society.  If i go further from my house my heart palpitations/brain pressure do not cease to give me a chance.  Of course it has improved since the beginning but my normal me has never experienced this unless I was having a panic attack.  The inability to self talk positivity is another hindrance. By end of this year I will be way past 3.5 yrs off everything and I can't imagine another year like this.  It's pure slow torture.

 

on a side note- i'm so happy you found some relief with ambien but i hope you won't need ambien for long.  Drugs like that one is why I am in a worse shape today.  I had a fairly uneventful SSRI taper till i decided to throw sleeping pills at it in the end.  I say this because I care and I do hope you find a medication free path in the future.  

 

scallywag- thanks.  Sometimes I cant focus enough to find my way around.

[Tootsieroll]

I'm not sure if this is my update thread but that's exactly what I wanna do...update. It will be my 4 year anniversary by January 2018.  Things have improved but I seem to be one foot in and one foot out.  Improvements are simultaneously happening alongside my setbacks.  I've improved enough to be able to clean my house and not be bowled over by symptoms. That is a blessing.  But on the same token my body is sensitive enough that some effects are delayed.  I put alot of effort into cleaning the house yesterday but today I experienced a resurgence of slight OCD.  That had me so disappointed.  I am encouraged to continue on only by the mere fact that I know that time heals.  I really wish by next year I can celebrate a fresh new start and be thankful I rid of this period of my life but also be thankful this happened in my life, because it made me stronger . Till then..i just have to get over this rollercoaster of wellness and then unwellness.

[pinkfairy]

Hi tootsie just stopping by to say hello...

 

you have come along way,you should be so proud of it all.

pink 

[Tootsieroll]

(Acupuncture) I’m actually using it for massive acute menstrual bleeding but would like to know if anyone here has had good experiences with it.  I’m very nervous and would like some encouragement since this will be a new treatment for me.  I’m at my wits end with conventional medicine and need a miracle.  I’m very scared about this ordeal i’ve been deaing with for 2 months.  Thank you.

 

Edited August 28, 2018 by ChessieCat
post moved and explanation added

[ChessieCat]

Acupuncture - Posts #6 & #8 (not detox or stimulation)

[Tootsieroll]

I don't know what is up with my body since withdrawals but colds have been really tough to handle ever since.  During colds my nasal area inflames and I find it really hard to breathe.  NO amount of steaming or Vicks rub or anything natural helps.  I'm too afraid to take decongestants but I went out and bought a decongestant spray and pills.  I'm hoping to use only in emergency where it is too much to handle and about to panic about it.  But has anyone here used them together and not have a setback.  No horror stories please as I'm scared enough not being able to breathe. Will probably not sleep tonight despite feeling so sick.  I got the Decongestant nose spray that has ingredient xylometazoline hydrochloride and Tylenol Sinus pills with phenylephrine hyrdochloride.   I may or may not only use during bedtime and will most likely only need for next two or three days.  THanks for the much needed advice.

[Songbird]

I've never had a problem with xylometazoline sprays.  On some occasions I have had horrible side effects from phenylephrine, so I tend to avoid it, or take about half the usual adult dose.

[Tootsieroll]

I’m took a dose of 5htp because high dose birth control for bleeding really screwed me over by depleting my serotonin and nurtrients. I took a dose of 15mg 5htp and it cleared the mind and helped.  I thought i’d try 100mg tryptophan next night as it’s found in turkey and thought it was safer.  Tryptophan made me super groggy and tired and next day I experienced major spine pain that is still with me.  Heating it has helped a little but it’s so inflamed that my bones cracks when I twist.  Obviously I started worrying about EMS but someone told me EMS doesn’t manifest that quickly.  Is it possible that tryptophan converted to niacin in my body and causing inflammation issues.  I was considering going back to 5htp as that was suggested by my genetics specialist after looking at my genes.  I don’t think this spine pain will disappear overnight but should I try the 5htp again since it helped the mental symptoms caused my birth control?  

 

Ps.  Ive been off the birth control for a month now after a months use.  Anxiety continues to worsen and my period has not come this month.  Just my luck.

[Altostrata]

Tootsieroll, you may have had a bad reaction to birth control but I would not assume it did anything to serotonin. Serotonin is not the "happiness hormone" anyway.

 

Tryptophan is found in all meats, not just turkey. What is it you're trying to fix with 5-HTP and tryptophan?