LostInTheWoods: Healing

[MollyN]

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with others in your journal LitW - you write so poetically. I'll enjoy following your story as you navigate the waves xxmollyn

[LostInTheWoods]

Thanks for your appreciation MollyN. Glad that the log reaches out and can give something of value. I enjoy and savor a good narrative or article, so when doing it myself I want to do my best to return some good writing to the world.

[LostInTheWoods]

Experiences are mixed: the flu has stabilized (at least it hasn't gotten worse). Some normal people that has seen me commented I had that "knock out" eyes of heavy flu which may give them the impression I would like to rest in bed under some comfy sheets and quilts trying to sleep; instead, the activity and restlessness within make me try to keep away from bed and going for some walks instead. Right now the body and mind feel like sliding down the cliff, moving on its own while standing still. For moments the mind feels clear or light in the weird sense; not a bad sensation entirely but different enough to feel unfamiliar.

 

Emotions are trying to surface although at unexpected times. Tears almost came to the eyes while standing in front of the desk, which would have been quite awkward among colleagues while a sad story I could relate came to mind. That would have been quite the catharsis in a solitary moment, but had to be suppressed to keep appearances (man, trying to feign normalcy during a wave is as tiring as the wave itself); later on afternoon after ending the work, anhedonia had nested on my brain: I was a martian, watching alien lifeforms doing their daily activities and routine tasks, wondering the point of those and where they would lead to, reacting to the answers like the explorer scientist who hurries to his notepad and write some memos about it because of not being able to comprehend it and grasp it at the moment.

 

Right now I lack the inner motivation to do daily activities for their own sake. I can work, but fail to grasp the point of it or the beauty I used to see on it before; I can talk and attend family and relatives out of some cerebral reasoning that it is good to do so and I can take care of my betta and other fish as a sense of duty, although right now can't feel the enthusiasm for fish that made me acquire them. Like stories say of that deep understanding which can't be said with words or transmitted through scientific notation, it eludes me in this state. I'll stay around to see if it permeates through the SSRI wreckage. Hope it is sooner than later.

[LostInTheWoods]

Nice night of sleep last one. Just one wakeup at 4:00 AM and then asleep until 8AM before having to get up to work. To be fair it was a rocky start because some morning anxiety took hold and it takes some enjoyment from the pleasure of breakfast, but luckily it was fine at work. Flu has diminished and now that bothersome phlegm remains and dares me to guess whether it comes from the stomach or drips from the back of the nose; will be pondering whether a visit to the ENT or the gastroenterologist is the most worthy.

 

One funny consequence of being down these two weeks is that spending has been stopped to a halt, a month of paychecks has been accumulating on the bank and, combined with having a debt paid back, it means I'm sitting in a financial cushion that brings some relief. Motivation is still low enough to actually want to spend it; if only I were that financial savvy on good days... I have to get enough willpower to put it into a savings account and having some interests.

 

There have been some progress today since at moments humor has actually been good and not only indifferent and managed to smile at some good jokes on the whatsapp. Hopefully it will keep improving and might be going out this weekend.

[LostInTheWoods]

You could say the colony I live on is a gentrified area, and not a recent one but older, one which has been left by the zeitgeist a long time ago. Numerous houses abound with 2 stories and a gentle amount of surface, both in built field and gardens and couryards. Those could have easily accomodated a family of six or maybe more while being as crowded as a modern apartment housing a family of four, which means not much. Most kids that grew on that houses have probably moved on to their own endeavors and with their own families, probably settling on the trendy north where the newer(although quite more monotonous and smaller) blocks are built. On most of those big homes, only the older parents may remain, now having a space which is probably a pain to mantain and where they may even be making adjustments to live on the first floor if their health doesn’t allow them to go up and downstairs as before. Either that, or the houses are left abandoned, still holding outlandish prices in hopes a new millionaire get the bug for them. They can probable last some more decades unoccupied, their owners not in a hurry to sell them cheap.

 

Me? My house is one of those smaller, still 2-story houses that got built later, a little more sensible with the times although spacious enough for the current trends. That said, the colony still lends itself for some great walks: the bigger streets have planter strips wide enough to allocate decently sized trees and car circulation is so low the predominant sound comes from the chirping of birds rather than the endless murmur of passing cars and honing claxons that characterize the typical urban life. Strolling around or doing some jogging is great for relaxing some nerves.

 

Today the pattern of morning anxiety and quieter afternoon repeated, no progress noted. It’s a little frustrating: I would like to have that movie scene when sadness and grief are up to the max and melt through the walk to have a glorious overflow of positive emotions; instead, by the time I leave work and I put the tennis on all that is left is some eager restlessness that prompts me to look for answers to basic questions like the purpose of all this. like getting ready for an enemy that doesn’t show up; or like extending the hand to reach the warmth of the sun that is setting on the horizon and feeling nothing but the colder air of the incoming night.

Feel a little uneasy but eager to know how this all unfolds. For the moment, I can set my future time orientation to the end of the following week where work meets a deadline. Hope this unravels better than the lows of last week.

[LostInTheWoods]

Grrrr!! I doesn't get better!

 

This has been the routine of these last days:

 

Go to bed by 11:00-11:30. Take some time to doze off, like 15-30 min.

For no apparent reason, wake up at 3:00 - 5:00 AM every night. I take some sips of water from a glass in the nightstand, go back to sleep quickly.

Wake up naturally at about 7-7:30 AM, somedays I managed catch sleep for a little longer until 8:15 AM when I must get up, some other times I give up and get up earlier. Big anxiety spike at this moment, that makes eating the breakfeast a non pleasure.

It's until the first hour of work that anxiety fades to lower levels and by 12:00 PM it feels a little normal.

At lunch I eat a bit less than usual since hunger isn't as intense and the last morsels of a regular meal 

By afternoon I get a little tired on work and anxious to go home. On gettiing home I can take a walk to fade the remaining anxiety.

Do some activity before day ends.

 

The last days have been like these without further improvement. Would like for this wave to end so I can feel confident enough to socialize with people.

 

It is probably a result of the last months working in front of the computer all day long but some upper back pain has surfaced and it makes get tired and achy relatively fast from walks and I was proud of those. May be that the whole body is more sensible to pains and other negative stimulus during these waves but I'm not willing to give up stuff due to back pain. I'm gonna research some pain relieving exercises for the moment and have to plan some assistance because 33 is too damn young to be having this kind of "can't move" problems.

[LostInTheWoods]

Still stuck on the "routine" but at least today was a bit more productive: went to prepare breakfast for family and visits that came to the house this weekend. These last three weeks we have had some festivals in town and had guests all three weeks. Would have been perfect times... if this hasn't coincided with this very timely wave; anyway, also wanted and got to prepare some tasty baguettes for lunch, hunger hasn't fully recovered but at least I'm looking forward to the tastes of some favorite foods: the green taste of arugula, the juiciness of cherry tomatoes, some sautéed onion in olive oil, serrano ham slices, ground pepper... all inside a crunchy bread. Nice meal and a good mood.

 

Both a walk outside home and a quick trip to the mall made the day pass quick, which is a relief because staying at home during the day would make me focus on the anxiety and make it bigger, to the point that the house starts feeling like a prison of sorts. I also renewed some part of my clothing since it was getting a little old and was in a need of something a little less casual. 

 

I have left caffeine entirely since anxiety doesn't need any more help and alcohol have been reduced to a drink or two the whole week without following servings. As suspected, not sitting the whole day translated into much less back pain so it gives hopes of being manageable with a visit to the doctor, some corrective devices and exercise. I look forward to a improved health for the next decades as I keep walking this good path.

[LostInTheWoods]

Numb, dumb, airhead, klutz... there is no shortage of adjectives to describe the state at this moment. Yesterday's sleep was a bit shorter (5-6 hours) since I let some thoughts to monopolize my head close to bedtime and took me longer to drop them. The cortisol morning also took longer to dissipate. By now I've quieted on the anxiety department but feel a little lightheaded and can't process info quickly. Words struggle to come up to mind so writing today is clumsy.

 

Didn't feel like taking a walk today even if back pain receded to a minor inconvenience today. I changed the fish's water and attended the compost tumblers to avoid having the afternoon go to waste on meaningless web surfing. 

 

Deadline at work got delayed to the other week: kinda disappointed since I was already wanting to have it finished all this by the end of this week and that means maybe some additional work requests are on the way. That said, this could have easily give me a reason to not be as anxious as I should be but these anxiety born of withdrawals and neurochemical related origins is harder to reason with. I'm content for now with enduring it like a lighthouse, unfazed at the lunge of the waves.

[SkyBlue]

Hi LostintheWoods,
 
Yeah, those morning cortisol surges… ! I've been taking magnesium in the morning in addition to the evening. There is a thread on this site about magnesium which may help you.

added: Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker.

Edited May 9, 2017 by scallywag
added link to magnesium topic

[LostInTheWoods]

Progress this day!! From yesterday night to tomorrow morning a great interval with no anxiety at all and some healthy interested mood. The high energy mood kept awake a little more but sleep came easily when finally intended and it lasted up until 6:30 AM with no midnight waking up (managed to go back to sleep until 8:00 quickly). Also, no morning anxiety today so finishing the breakfast didn't feel like a fight and could concentrate on work as soon as sitting on the desk.

 

Since a lof of mothers work at my job everyone was given permission to leave at 2:00 AM. At first I was stoked to get an extra chunk of the day but some extra work made me stay until 16:30 AM  . I dunno if it was the contrast between I had imagined and what happened or if it was natural tiredness but my mood and energy went down to previous days' levels. I'm a little disheartened but I'm going to leave it because ruminating in the head for the rest of the day is going to make me a disservice when instead I can focus on the good news that a window is opening in the close future.

 

Soon I'll be celebrating mom and I really want to give her my best face, mood and reception that I have been giving in years, back when I was sort of stoned and emotionally stunted. Happy mother's day to the moms here in SA.!

[Altostrata]

And a lovely day to you, Lost. Good to hear of your window.

[Dwell]

Just read through your post though I did a CT and yours was a taper I find hope in your recovery! I'm going through a terrible wave that has been going on for the past 1.5 months so I need this hope that we can survive paxil!

[LostInTheWoods]

These days I get up, go to work in the morning, then go back home for lunch, go out to work in the noon and afternoon, get home at night, have dinner and then...

 

go out to work in the sleep!!

 

What could be a relief and moment of peace is turning out into some sort of fevered dream where the numbers and spreadsheets still lurk around even if logic doesn't anymore, which make them even more prevalent. As if suddenly I got lost and tables and quantities are all what remain in the brain of a resting body. Not good, takes a litle while to wake up and settle who is in charge.

 

As the deadline approaches I do get anxious. But in the end this feels like traditional "slice of life" anxiety over naturally stressing things. It is way easier to argue with it and have it gone by effort and immersion in the job tasks and as time passes and job progress is achieved it fades away. I will keep on reducing these "natural" anxiety since it is no good particularly when it grows amok, but it is what I should have made back in the day when it put me at the reach of SSRI doses and it is not late to correct that path.

 

Thanks Alto for the support. I hope you Dwell also come out of the waves since they are quite nasty indeed, but when a window opens all the waiting becomes worthy.

[LostInTheWoods]

Oh, god here we go again. I came out of work late at night, had a little too heavy dinner of a spicy hamburger my dad had brought home and after catching up with some news over the internet, went to sleep by 12:00 AM and woke up at 01:30 AM. It was the mix of everything: the hottest night so far this year that got my pajamas shirt drenched in sweat, ideas and pressure at work still fresh in going in cirlcles in the mind, muscles rigid and cramped from been sit all day long without even a chance for stretching. What started by some turnings on the bed became an increasingly battle for sleep against revolting ideas, body parts heating and increasing anxiety in a loop; don't like losing hours of sleep and the persepective of being awake the full night puts me on panic. Hours later, it felt like it was 2012 again, anxiety being both the master and the monster and me turning into its slave, defenseless as a child who, after a lousy flight, tripping several times and shouting some weak screams, sobs silently to himself. By 3:30 AM I recurred to the alprazolam pills I had left from years ago, taking half a 0,25 mg pill and the other half in some minutes, trembling and then remaining in a quiet position, breathing slowly until sleep finally took me in without me noticing until the alarm at 8:10 AM ringed.

 

Groginess lasted like an hour, quite less since I thought I took the pill later on night and the half day of work went uneventfully save for some work that turned out to be a little harder and laborious than expected. Worked some hours afternoon since the load demands it but got out before sunset because I really wanted to take a walk.

 

This doesn't feel like a wave since it doesn't have any of the symptoms I associate with it: it actually feels like my old foe the anxiety came back with a vengeance now that the serotonin stupor cleared. I'm disappointed with myself, being weak willed and keeping a heart and a brain whose only known tricks are to feel either negative thoughts towards others when angry or towards myself when fearful. I hate to admit that I developed some sort of phobia to insomnia that jolts me at the suggestion I might be losing a night of sleep; I know it isn't really bad if I get at least 5 hours a night and don't feel much tired the next day, but anything less than that can cause me panic. In the good days sleep naturally gets me  and don't give it much thought but when trouble or stressing times happen insomnia lurks and becomes a impending threat that rocks my world.

 

I really want to coast this on my own, I mean without going back to psychiatrist and SSRI hell, but at moments it feels like the Sisyphus's trial. I know I can't go back since I know very well where it leads to and by now it's a tired path which will deliver diminishing returns. For the moment, I'll wait for all these work related tension which will be over by the end of the next week. I was recommended by my sister of some pills with valerian and other calming herbs which I'm taking since today. My anxious devil tells me then won't be enough but I'll wait and see the results.

[doggiemama]

Hang in there you can do it. You are far stronger than u think

[PoetJester]

Hey Lostinthewoods

 

I enjoyed your posts. I have a similar story with masturbation in withdrawal. I actually went 6 months controlling myself after my cold turkey wd in feb 2014 from Zoloft and zyprexa, but the extended sleeplessness/poor quality of sleep finally got to me and I found that at times masturbation could help me sleep deeper than my usual tormented shallow 3-4 hour sleeps in wd. It didn't always work, but sometimes I could practice self gratification and get a good chunk of deep rem sleep. after a while it got pretty gross and didn't work as well, so I have tried to stop it as much as possible. I am a poet and I actually wrote a short poem about the insomnia/masturbation dilemma. It's based on the famous Shakespeare line. I hope you like it and don't find it too gross.

 

To masturbate or not to masturbate

That is the question

Whether it is better to fraud the rod and blow the wad

Or to suffer with insomnia with sleeps that barely constitute a nod.

 

Poetjester

[LostInTheWoods]

Oh yes PoetJester, that have been a conundrum some time ago but after failing me in critical moments I no longer see it as a reliable last resource. I've been shying away in part because it it stopped feeling like a quick fix and had also dulled my pleasure for other everyday experiences including the human contact. So off the menu it is, another thing to leave behind.

 

Well, the herbal pill did work as I could sleep better last night, waking up several times but with enough "sleep inertia" to return to it quickly. There was some vivid dreaming of the "sent to a fantastical world" type. I wasn't lucid enough to start exploring it for exciting things as I actually took for granted I was actually there, one particular instance where I was looking for some secret passage in a 50+ story building and then going on the run along some strangers as if trying to escape from something but it that got forgotten; in another instance I was net to lagoon in the wilderness, doing a picnic of sorts. Eventually I awaken by 8:15 and got like another half an hour half sleep until I told myself to get up since no more sleep was going to happen.

 

Went to work today as I wanted to get ahead in the workload, managed to end some tedious job of fitting some code in some messy worksheets to get data sorted out. After it, had the daily walk which made wonders at emptying my head from the worries and leave some calmed breathing as I managed to watch the sunset sitting in a bench of one of the public gardens next to a fountain. Quite relieving and necessary in these days since walking across the bedroom or living room would probably reinforce the anxiety. These days I reserve the bedroom for sleeping, going to the living room for using the laptop or reading in the tablet. How do the hikkikomoris accomplish to stay enclosed in their bedrooms for years without starting to dread and hate the familarity and stagnation of it? My guess is that some sort of desensitization happens and the more time passes the less they perceive it. At times I imagine them being happy in their own twisted way, gleefully unconcious of their look in their greater picture and living content in their own nondisturbed microuniverse, and kind of envy them; of course, then I can also imagine them leaving in some hellish deadlock where they don't want to go out because of the awkwardness of it and then making it bigger as time passes and I don't envy them anymore.

 

For the moment, I downloaded Stuart Shipko's ebook about panic disorder since by his by now notorious SSRI articles earned a lot of respect from me, I can trust his opinion isn't pharma biased. There's interesting findings, like how heartburn and some throat issues with a esophageal origin are heavily associated with panic or how getting angry at the inability to sleep totally seals the deal with insomnia. It is promising and will read it later on the week since it can offer some insights, although I'm feeling that I need action and talking to people instead of reading.

 

Well, this is going to be one hell of a week. I want to remember the serenity achieved today for those hard times. Thanks for the support dogiemama, hope you're doing well.

[LostInTheWoods]

I'm wondering where is the line where antidepressants effects end and the personal predisposition towards panic and anxiety begin. Sometimes I think that the the AD veil of stupor has been lifted and the being beneath isn't much better.

 

Reading the Surviving Panic Disorder book, it comes to a almost inevitable question about whether someone inherits the panic and anxiety from his or her parents and transmits them to the children. Nasty question indeed, and one which taken at face value, leads to Gattaca kinds of reasoning. Anyway, Stuart Shipko makes an educated guess and postulates that at least on cases that spans generations, the Panic disorder behaves as an autosomal dominant condition. Kinda frightening, in the sense that it never dies off as long as the panickers have children and in the way it resembles those neurodegenerative diseases where one single parent gives you a chance in two to get lucky and dodge the bullet

 

The pattern looks logical when applied to my mother's family: my grandmother who I never knew is said to have fallen in a big depression during her middle age, to the point my grandfather asked my mother to quit her job in order to accompany her and ease her anguish. Can't remember her exact age, but she probably died in her early 40s  of an acute infection that went septicemic; always sounded odd, at least for us that have been born into antibiotics but to me it looks like she could have lost the will to live and survive through it. Of her 7 children, I can identify some aunts and uncles that behave and act as if born with the "tough" gene while others, like my mother herself, had this anxious-apprehensive tendency built on themselves. Not only I don't despise them, but I actually think some of them are the nicest, endowed but a kindness that make fond to remember of my childhood times with them. But looking at their sad times I feel powerless to console them: that particular kind uncle had some depressive days where he lamented on the phone that his fate was up to god and the ADs he got prescribed. Nowadays I see him a little less energetic and certainly "older" but somehow I feel he's still him. I want to talk directly to him about this, maybe we can mutually help us out.

 

My sister got the sociable gene although at some times of her life she has had her crisis. Always a top performer in school, being beautiful as women became a rigorous inhuman duty to her and lead her to anorexia times and moments where she would mumble to herself "ugly, ugly!!" while looking at the mirror and dressing. Gave my mother a ton of reasons to worry, not that she needed them, and on the climax of it she got prescribed a Zyprexa whose first and only dose got her so sleepy she passed the full day on bed. She begged to be spared of it, medication got ended before it could start and now she's happily married and holding a nice but healthy figure. That she never truly got on this downward spiral of psych meds is something that makes an atheist like me thank to god or its closest analogous (the universe, the world... whatever).

 

Anyway, without getting ahead of myself, by now I'm sure the anxiety / panic element runs on me and probably had its "onset" that dreaded day five years ago since when I feel old. Meds can only mask it for some times while also piling issues on their own. I'll have to deal with it and find the way to live and look forward with it. I have my mother's example who, despite being tense and anxious for no apparent reason during some days, still manages to give out and receive way more happiness and positiveness than worries and woes.

[LostInTheWoods]

The first day of the auditing is over. I expected a full day of going into overdrive receiving urgent requests from all sides for data to be processed ASAP and documents to be created as if by a press of a single button. By now I could have easily been working overtime until midnight on the work of creating reports in newly created formats. But instead, it has all happened like a breeze, like another day for the auditors and a midterm exam for first graders for us at work. Some minor findings here and there but not much can be done about it and hasn't felt like the end of the world. It's weird, as if they had gone easy on us. Taking out suspicions out of the picture, feels like a condemned convict who has been pardoned just before walking or being pushed into the void, noose already on the neck and him having to discern what to do with his newfound freedom, no space in his mind before for such long term planning.

 

So I got out of work with enough time to do a decently long walk in the daylight in a emotionally blank state as I couldn't make my mind what to think about all this. A slight dizziness and blurred vision felt for a moment after getting home but by now it is no more.

 

I have some "confident moments" at times where I become my former self and imagine a good future ahead, although they are scarce, like flickering lights in the dark. The danger has probably ended and rationally there's nothing to fear, still, now I deal with the wreckage of the nerves. Hopefully I have a long window where pressure is not going to be like this and it's ripe time to develop a better self and a group of relationships to withstand the next storm in a more healthy way.

[LostInTheWoods]

Auditing is finally over: this second day it went with as little events as the first one, maybe one short rush that got solved by like 4 minutes of reordering data in the database. Storm is over and external reasons to be anxious or stressed are no more.

 

Today I still feel utter apathy, like it was a sandstorm rather than rain in the sense that what remains is dry sand and heat rather than the smell of moist soil and vegetation and the chirping of birds. Can't care about meeting family or friends or even some old means of evasion like watching movies or playing videogames.I'm talking to family anyway because I know I must but I wish the desire would come from the bottom of the heart.

 

Another payday has passed so the financial cushion has just growed. I'll look for advice to invest it on something safe and at least put it to work for me while I get the energy and motivation to do something big with it (not a expensive useless trinket).

[LostInTheWoods]

Sigh, all last nights have had followed the same pattern:

 

“I wonder if I’m going to have a good sleep today (closes eyes). It’s 11:30”

“12:00. It’s taking a little but almost there…”

“01:10. Yes! I have been sleeping. I’m coming for more.”

“03:30. What? Still not morning, oh well (sips some water before dozing off again).”

“06:00. Almost there! Another dive into the land of dreams.”

(strange dreams happen here)

“07:30. Just… 30 more minutes… (gets about 20 more in the struggle).

 

I’m starting to get annoyed with the persistence of this fragmented sleep. Sure, I’m thankful that time does not pass like a snail during the night and overall energy is levels are at least "not bad" but would like to see it normalized to a single sweep or two and having it go all the way into 8:30 or 9:00 AM like what was usual about two months ago.

 

Saturday morning work was almost a formality: people happy of the overall good results, some congratulations and working into future projects or ideas at a much more reasonable pace for creative thinking afterwards; however, by now I want to clean my head off all work since I’m tired of it slipping into my head while dreaming. Almost want to ask for a vacation to have it entirely clean off it although it may be counterproductive if the free time becomes a burden and a panic to fill out with activities.

Saw some pals for a gaming session in the afternoon. Couldn’t get full enjoyment out of it since I’m still a little anxious and tired but doing some “relationship maintenance” still felt good since I hadn’t seen them since like a month and a half ago. Hopefully next week I’m more energetic and present in the session in full body and spirit.

[Dwell]

LITW glad work is going well and I hope your sleep straightens out soon! I hope for better sleep and for my cortis9l spikes to go away soon!

[LostInTheWoods]

I was stumbling into some old tracks I used to play and like and rediscovered some enjoyment of the Fear of a Blank Planet album from Porcupine Tree. Some listening to the lyrics can give the impression of a group of by musicians complaining about the emptiness of the very teen culture they were part from now that they have been abandoned by it, guilty of the crime of having aged. Fortunately, the music and the arrangement are deep and complicated enough to invite for some deeper inspection and then I finally caught the missing part that completed the picture: The teenagers are all under prescription drugs which are likely antidepressants. Back in the day the reference to “the pills” sounded like amphetamines or extasis that were consumed at night clubs to keep the pace or those fringe cases of youngsters looking for regular meds that made them high. But now that the effects of ADs has been felt, suddenly the lyrics make more sense:

 

Don't try engaging me / The vaguest of shrugs / The prescription drugs / You'll never find

a person inside  / My face is Mogadon / Curiosity / has given up on me / I'm tuning out desires

The pills are on the rise.

 

The magnum opus of the disc, the 17 minutes long song suddenly has the perfect title of what these things do, summed in a single word: Anesthesize.

 

The dust in my soul / makes me feel awake in... my legs / my head in the clouds / and I'm zoning out / I'm watching TV but I find it hard to stay conscious / I'm totally bored / but I can't switch off.

 

My hand's on a gun / and I find the range / GOD, tempt me / What did you say / think I'm passing out

 

We backtrack in a later part of the song to a critical moment where a traumatic event happened and which presumably landed the kid-now teenager in the realm of the SSRIs:

 

The water so warm that day / I was counting out the waves / and i followed their short life / as they broke in the shoreline / I could see you / but I couln't hear you

 

You were holding your hat in the breeze / turning away from me / in this moment / you were stolen / as black across the son.

 

Happiness far in the past lost in the memories up until an equally distant event in which something very dear is no more, stolen, and a numbed limbo afterwards for a big period of life. Too familiar, and a disaster that is probably recreating itself as new kids get the pills prescribed, adults surrounding them not wanting to deal with their personalities and character straight. Fear of a future blank people indeed.

[LostInTheWoods]

Rough days in the withdrawal rollercoaster. Sometimes when starting to get asleep is slower, some random images come to the head before dozing off. Sunday night I was "envisioning" because it would hardly be called dreaming just at the beginning, that I needed a certain password in order to solve the problem and get asleep. Couldn't find it, and then I was fretting out, fully awake, that I had forgotten it and then wouldn't be able to sleep. took minutes to convince myself it was all part of a bad dream. Later on the night I got the fragmented sleep, except I was rushing down to catch the next train every other two hours I woke up. Anxiety was at its maximum on the morning, mind set to overdrive despite a headache that was asking for a slow down. As on some other rough days, started to think on the shortest, less painful way to part ways with this world; fortunately in the afternoon the anxiety subsided to some more tolerable levels and by the end of the daily walk I decided it wasn't over yet. I started to write in a notebook (actual paper notebook) with a pen on the night, part to keep with the sleep hygiene clause of no bright rectangles in the night and part to keep focused and away from distractions. I wrote about my favorite places in the world, idealized: woods, vast as possible, with an huge palette of shades of green and the background murmur of the thousand leaves ruffling against each other, encouraged by the wind.   By night I reached some serenity and although sleep is still fragmented, could pass through it calm and ordinarily like a regular person.

 

Today some morning anxiety accompanied me but managed to brush it off by mid day. My pace of work is stil like "slightly faster than turtle" and nothing compared with previous weeks but to be honest I don't care to slow down a little after the hectic days of before. I managed to notice today my abs muscle being tense as if I had been doing crunches some minutes ago; no wonder why the stomach isn't too excited about receiving food with such pressure against his walls

 

Right now, with the last minutes of sunlight, I'm reaching a big moment of peace which I would want to keep going forever. Maybe if I'm not 100 % well by tomorrow, at least I'm ready to accept days like these like the new temporary normal.

[Prestorb]

I really appreciate your posts lostinthewoods. Just know that they are comforting and give hope to others here. Take care and God bless and keep you on this journey. 

[LostInTheWoods]

"Does human nature thus change utterly and from top to bottom? Can the man created good by God be rendered wicked by man? Can the soul be completely made over by fate, and become evil, fate being evil? Can the heart become misshapen and contract incurable deformities and infirmities under the oppression of a disproportionate unhappiness, as the vertebral column beneath too low a vault? Is there not in every human soul, was there not in the soul of Jean Valjean in particular, a first spark, a divine element, incorruptible in this world, immortal in the other, which good can develop, fan, ignite, and make to glow with splendor, and which evil can never wholly extinguish?

Grave and obscure questions, to the last of which every physiologist would probably have responded no, and that without hesitation, had he beheld at Toulon, during the hours of repose, which were for Jean Valjean hours of reverie, this gloomy galley-slave, seated with folded arms upon the bar of some capstan, with the end of his chain thrust into his pocket to prevent its dragging, serious, silent, and thoughtful, a pariah of the laws which regarded the man with wrath, condemned by civilization, and regarding heaven with severity.

Certainly,—and we make no attempt to dissimulate the fact,—the observing physiologist would have beheld an irremediable misery; he would, perchance, have pitied this sick man, of the law’s making; but he would not have even essayed any treatment; he would have turned aside his gaze from the caverns of which he would have caught a glimpse within this soul, and, like Dante at the portals of hell, he would have effaced from this existence the word which the finger of God has, nevertheless, inscribed upon the brow of every human,—hope."

 

Moving words from Les Miserables that came to mind in these days.

 

Ups and downs. Yesterday at work, I took refuge in the bathroom for some minutes in order to put me ease with the background anxiety that was oozing from within. While I was trying to stabilize the mind, the "I'm anxious..." thought came to the surface, but with it, it also came "...but I can go on with it, despite it". A sense of confidence came out and give me a chance to coast the whole day and gave me easiness during the afternoon. Yesterday there was a brief moment of intense rain which came like heaven's gift in times of a nasty heat wave, it did prevent me from taking a walk but I could go to a department store to buy some gourment foods as a present for my parents and made some tasty sandwiches for everyone the electric press. I could actually enjoy every morsel of those.

 

With me looking forward for some important activities for today, yesterday night I was feeling more active than usual at sleep's time. I managed to doze off fast but by 3:30 AM woke up. On the good side, the rushed thoughts that tend to come when trying to sleep have been fading away, although that also means I'm still not used to falling asleep more naturally. Time passed with me still awake: in other circumstances, this could have sent me direct to a panic attack but yesterday, managed to stay calm, content with feeling safe below the sheets. Several times, I could feel how the arms and legs were relaxing and feeling quiet while the mind jolted awake, as if it were afraid of sinking in the water with the floats turning suddenly into lead. Cymbaltawithdrawal5600 explained it rather well:

 

In my case, because of damage from withdrawal, my alerting setpoint has been set too low -- hyper-vigilance. My doctor calls this a meta-homeostasis.

The brain wants to keep us alert to respond to (non-existent) threats, spontaneously sends out waves of anxiety, and wakes us up when we become too inattentive. Tragically, the alerting response is triggered by the relaxation of sleep. This is not a circadian rhythm disorder. It is entirely iatrogenic.

 

 

I kept there trying and feeling the relaxation with the plan on getting up if sunlight caught me awake. However, some unexpected dream pointed out I managed to get asleep by about 5:30 PM and could ****** some extra hours until 8:15 PM, feeling a bit groggy but not particularly tired later.

 

Unfortunately, wd kind of unreasonable anxiety was a bit high in the morning but overall this felt like a win. Looking forward to this Saturday afternoon and Sunday, I want to strenghen my spirit and hopefully all this too shall pass.

[LostInTheWoods]

These last days have treated me well. Sleep still comes in fragments but I'm gaining confidence in reaching the dreams train in a little while after putting the head on the pillow. A little anxiety hits at noon, nothing in particular seems to trigger it but I don't care to spend time speculating on it, it comes to the scenario without notice, does its number and leaves, turning slowly into a supporting actor when back in the day it demanded all the time on the screen. Maybe later it can become that kind of extra that gets kicked out as soon as it enters for the laughs.

 

Weird, detailed dreams were had last night: I was a convict escaping from prison, taking hide among the masses in a huge three story mall and finally hiding with some other fellow convicts in a house in the outskirts of town, where I was getting fearful and suspicious of every person that came into the house: some kids went into a party and I was fearful may be telling the police after some questions. We were planning a further escape on a balcony while screening the passerbies until some alarm of the real world wake me up from it. All the dream felt more thrilling than anxiety provoking which was nice in retrospect.

 

Work starts gaining some luster again, me solving some interesting problems without the imperative hurry of two weeks ago, which turns intriguing challenges into a roadblock you desperately want to pass over at full speed, and without the fog and background anxiety of a week ago which made wish for time to pass quickly to get out of the office ASAP. There's a chance to progress in an area only I can do at work and it can pay off a lot for everyone, so I'm excited to develop it.

 

Old friend appetite is looming at the corner, wanting to come back as for the first time in weeks I did crave a snack in the afternoon with a small glass of milk. Quite tasty indeed.

 

Some refreshing breezes and rafts look promising for the heat wave to recede in the city, still no rain, which I would welcome even if it would catch me in the middle of a walk and soak me head to toe, but at least it's something. I look forward to do some more things this week now that the good mood is on the rise and the fog and anxiety are clearing in the head.

[Altostrata]

Very good to hear you're doing well lately, Lost.

[LostInTheWoods]

I have to admit I've been depressed these last days. No bad event happened, just that I'm in a low mood wondering what is everything worth for or where am I going by doing it. There's not really stress from work now, it's just gives the impression that whether I do something or not the results are going to be the same. Similarly, stuff like cooking, eating yummy dishes, seeing family... all feel like "routine" to kill time without leading anywhere. The character played by Michael Caine in Interstellar, that scientist who was pulling a farce while pretending to work in a solution that didn't exist, said at some point that he was only "afraid of time". It certainly feels like it, with time feeling like a void which feels slow and grim if you are too conscious of it and whose other option is to get distracted enough I can actually forget about it for a while. And somehow, it still feels like I wouldn't have enough time, in the sense of "I'm already 33 and am not even remotely close of being financially independent and have a family".

 

I dislike the fact that the depression has probably messed up the sleep that was going better the last week. I had been stabilizing in two fairly long sweeps with a slight interruption at like 3:00 AM but thses days I'm taking like 30-60 minutes to enter sleep both times (the heat certainly doesn't help), feeling the mind more anxious and active at those moments. I have murmured the "ommmm" word several times in a improvised meditation and amazingly it helped, so I'm going to delve deeper into it.

 

Slightly disappointed that the window didn't magically solve everything but as expected, can't sit on my butt and expect the good things to happen. On another note, I've been going to the gym and although I don't press myself to levels where I wouldn't be able to move the next day, it feels good (cardio on the elliptic machine is quite relieving). Need to go more times for it to become an ingrained habit. I may not be 100 % fine but I'm functional enough now unlike those bad wave days so I'm looking forward to meet a CBT therapist in order to get tools and techniques to cope with symptoms and bad days

[miT]

I think in some way we'll have to learn to deal with the futilness of life. Life is just for living, not for getting something out of it.

Also bad days are inherent to any life, be it a life with or without SSRI history. Joy doesn't exist without pain. Just like our waves and windows, these contrasts don't exist separately and are meant to transpose into eachother. The problem is that our mind attaches to the one, while rebuffing the other. 

A couple of days ago I was delving into that subject and found the following insightful link.

https://oshosammasati.org/illness-pain/osho-illness-pain/why-does-pain-exist/

 

Maybe now is a good time to practice to embrace your uncomfortable yet functional wave. It will transpose anyway.

[LostInTheWoods]

Still depressed with a little anxiety in the side. Deeply sad at some moments, others having some inner agitation that takes me out of my peace circle. I look at the calendar and conclude that at least I had a full open window of a week and half. Well, I guess the bell rang and, after being out in the playground receiving the sunlight and sitting in the softness in the grass, I have to return to confinement in the dark house of the soul, but having been outside if only for a transient period served to remind me what happiness felt like and give confidence that I'll be out again and hopefully for a longer time. If I can't magically be all happy and easygoing instantly just by wanting to be so, at least I'm relieved if I can cope.

 

Let's talk about some other lyrics. These time's turn for Anathema: a rock band which whose growling vocals of the early days could have been mistaken as satanic by the uninitiated; however, they quickly got bored of it and kept moving on to cleaner vocals and sounds. Some albums that followed could pass as the depressive downer ones for emo teens but at least I felt they were more sophisticated. One of them has a moving theme and lyrics dedicated to the suddenly deceased mother of the two brothers who lead the band. Last albums look like their gloomy mood finally lifted and started singing about hope and liveliness, haven't seen them on stage as of late but one can almost imagine them dressed in white loose clothes and almost take them for religious members. Maybe that could have turned off people who wanted a perpetuated style of the whichever album they liked best but me, appreciating authenticity of musicians who compose as what they currently feel, have them in high steem.

 

The album I have in mind is probably their darkest one: A fine day to exit. Yes, quite the declaration of intentions given how the very cover shows a car parked in the sand, a note sticked on the steering wheel and clothes dropped along the path towards the waves. Almost conceptual in execution, in the sense every song fades and transitions into the next, pretended to be heard in order from beginning to end. Many songs offer quite the bleak soundscapes, making me suspect that maybe they were truly into the dark depths of depression and not just looking for easy and sticky rimes. Penultimate song is the titular one of the album, one can almost anticipate the gloomy end as the lyrics go: I got these feelings and I don't know why / I see all my fears in the darkness of light / What made the river so cold?. The songs ends in a cliffhanger, and then waves crashing in the shore are heard as the last song enter:

 

Temporary peace.

 

Used to interpreted as the ghost of the suicided protagonist speaking to himself, but given the overall transition of the band, seems to me that the story actually tells, how he snaps out of his suicidal ideation and finally looks into the temporality or his woes and, even if he's not all right instantly, he gets courage and motivation to go on:

 

Deep inside the silence
Staring out upon the sea
The waves washing over
Half forgotten memories
Deep within the moment
Laughter floats upon the breeze
Rising and falling dying down within me

 

And I swear I never knew how it could be
And all this time all I had inside was what I couldn't see
I swear I never knew how it could be
All the waves washing over all that hurts inside of me

Beyond this beautiful horizon
Lies a dream for you and I
This tranquil scene is still unbroken by the rumors in the sky
But there's a storm closing in
Voices crying on the wind
This serenade is growing colder breaks my soul that tries to sing
And there's so many, many thoughts
When I try to go to sleep
But with you I start to feel a sort of temporary peace

There's a drift in and out

[LostInTheWoods]

I've been reading The Upward Spiral from Alex Korbes. For the technically oriented, it is recommended; while it doesn't engage in the fight against SSRIs, it doesn't promote them and some lines are probably against the approach ("In the 1960, deppression was thought to be a matter of having too little of the neurotransmitter norepinenephrine. Then, a few years later, the theory changed to a deficiency of serotonin. We know now it's much more complicated"). Other than that, it presents deppresion as a stable pit of habits, routines, predispositions and brain zones locked into a negative feedback loop which, albeit quite hard to turn over, it is worth solving by slowly accumulating good actions and deeds which may snowball later into a virtous cycle of positivy. Serotonin also gets mentioned several times: it tempts me to believe that this wave may be a temporal state of a brain depleted of serotonin (well, its regular levels) which could pass as the neurons regulate themselves again. I know that, as the book says, it's more complicated but the simplification is easy to grasp for me and for the moment satisfies me and brings me hope of better days.

 

Still have llike 70 % deppresion and 30  % anxiety thses last days, although this afternooon I'm feeling some relief.

[LostInTheWoods]

Innocuous by itself but a little annoying is the eye twich in the left eye. Appears out of nowhere, then it goes away. Feels like an ill behaved kid who's not your own that at best it's on your care temporarily and who, just in a moment of great concentration of importance, suddenly pokes you into the arm or the chest with his finger, demanding your attention despite just having take care of him:

 

-Eye twich.

-Wait, not know.

-Eye twitch.

-I know

-Eye twitch.

-Geez! Fine, just stop it.

-Eye twitch.

-You have my attention! What do want know?

-...eye twich.

 

Well, let's hope it goes as swiftly as it came in.

 

I went yesterday evening to the gym to burn some calories at the elliptical trainer and give the muscles a bit of a challenge because "Stay sit of about 8 hours" gets old quickly and as much as I like walking, it is stll easy mode for them. All fine with some cardio and then some leg workouts on the machines: this health guide encourages to do reps until failure, when muscles say "I surrender". Didn't went so far but I did make adjustments so I was like two reps away of such failure. Overall a success in feeling tired and get this woblly feeling on the thighs.

 

Sadly it proved what I already feared: sleep gets even more elusive after a workout. Like the other two nights, some hours happened of turning on bed and rearranging the pillows despite the sleep hygiene measures I've been taking. Last time this happened (last thursday) I took a Xanax but regretted it because it made feel drowsy during most of the following day. Didn't notice exactly when sleep came, must have been like 2:15 AM but I had set apart the cell phone not wanting to worry any more. At least it was a single swing up until morning and a weird funny dream happened: I was given a envelope with a huge wad of bills, easily summing like $1000 dollars as the prize for winning some kind of lottery among clients of a certain bookstore. I was getting home ready to plan how to spend that money and... dream was over, real enough I actually felt a little sad for it being just a dream, but I'm always happy to recall dreams since that means REM is happening. About the whole event, I'm disappointed about all this since I was starting to enjoy the gym visits but this is a dealbreaker. I'll evaluate the possibility of doing a 7:00 AM visit at least once a week and check how it goes.

 

Keep reading the Upward Spiral and have to take back the open recommendation at least while I'm on the middle of it. The author doesn't explicitly encourage antidepressants, he is more for natural and behavioral changes but he's painting them in a positive light that one might conclude the book's advices can be skipped and just get into the AD pills. In the exercise section there a lot of examples of "exercise has X effect on the brain and, as a argument of it being good to the brain, antidepressants also have that same X effect on the brain" that can put off members of this forum. I'm not regretting buying it, but will have to filter off that part, rest of the advices are still solid and the core idea of getting a virtuous circle going has merit.

 

Overall still hanging out, probably a tiny bit better than last week. 

[LostInTheWoods]

Nerve system seems to be highly sensitized: in the father's day meeting I had a craft beer at the beginning and then a glass of white wine along the meal and got big restlessnees along the moderately inebriating effects and had to tough it out for a while until the body burned either the ethanol or whatever anxiety neurochemical that was generated at high demand. Highly uncomfortable, left eye twitching like crazy, but fortunately transient, and by the end of the meeting I was almost back to normal, the rest of the anxiety melted during the daily walk of the afternoon, bathed by the sun while passing through the trees and the gardens.

 

Not that I would reject a national holiday, but I feel well enough to withstand the incoming week and I'll probably have an endeavor into a project with a business partner. I've come fine from this week which had its high and lows and I'm hoping to keep getting better.

[LostInTheWoods]

By the way, in order to practice what I preach, can I have moderator change the name of this thread to LostInTheWoods, healing? To keep with the staying positive mantra.

[LostInTheWoods]

Whoever did the thread editing, thanks. Gotta stay positive.

 

I have been experiencing some sort of "diarrhea - constipation" sort of mix: out of a sudden I may have the urge to go to the restroom but, past the initial load, emptying the bowels is hard and have the feeling of not finishing completely. Still go to the restroom at least once a day but quantity has been lower. To be fair, I'd been eating less because of lower appetite. Oh, well, I'll monitor it in the next days being careful of not doing a big fuzz about it.

 

On other aspects, the mood has been overall better with more motivation to go on with daily activities and sleep is coming up faster although still in fragments. These weekend I'm having a meeting with old university pals many of whom I hadn't met in years. Even if I'm geniunely interested in knowing how are they doing these days, I'm a little afraid of them perceiving a deppressed wreck and that puts me nervous. I'm working on reaching the serenity and calmness that I should always have sought since before the meds, like that of Siddharta of the Hernam Hesse book. If I managed to attain it and keep that perfect smile, nothing else would ever matter.