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Learning to rest in God


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#1 Wildflower0214

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Posted 02 October 2014 - 09:40 AM

Prior to this all starting, I had floundered around and lost my connection to Christ. He is now showing me, that I need to rest in Him. He has already done the work, there is nothing for me to do, but rest and trust.

I am learning every moment.
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#2 Jemima

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Posted 03 October 2014 - 08:01 AM

I also found comfort in my belief that God was in control.  (He still is, of course.)  Repeating that to myself during spells of anxiety, which was no doubt neuro-emotion, helped me a great deal.


Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivinganti...oducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivinganti...r-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 


#3 Wildflower0214

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Posted 03 October 2014 - 08:03 AM

Thank you, I just ce through three totally sleepless nights. So, I'm struggling. I need Him more than ever.
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#4 Hondo

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Posted 07 October 2014 - 01:04 PM

I can relate to your sleepless nights. I stopped effexor on July 21, 2014. Three weeks later the insomnia started. So did the anxiety an d depression. Have been on celexa for four weeks with no real improvement. Sleep is still bad. I might get about five hours and that's with taking a sleep aid. I am exhausted. And I am praying.

#5 Wildflower0214

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Posted 08 October 2014 - 03:16 PM

Yes, I'm not wen sure how much I get cause I refuse to look at the clock. But having a hard time locating God in this situation. That's the worst thing about being this sick, it's hard to hold faith.
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#6 Mufins6970

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Posted 12 October 2014 - 07:36 PM

Hi, I am from Singapore. I have been on various antidepressant for the past 20 years

 In 2009 ago,I tried to taper my drug( 6 different types) cold turkey  but the withdrawal was

too fast for me to handle. For the past 5 years I am have in and out of hospital

more than 10 times and had numerous rounds of ECT!  I ask myself many times :

Am I mad? Am I not trusting in God'sprovidence? Many a times I feel so alone in the battle.

There are one thousand and one doubts.My faith was tested to the very limit.

My life is literally turn upside down.

Now that I begin to realize that the drastic impact on every aspect of my life : physically,

mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I tell myself enough is enough. I am now trying to

taper my Effexor gradually,(5% per week) which will take 20 weeks. Then I will move on

to vaproate. Into the 3rd week of my taper, I am experiencing intensifying symptoms of

withdrawal(brain fog, headaches,confusion, lack of concentrations, achings around my

neck, vivid dreams etc).  It is quite unbeareable I have to cope with work full time but I

trust that the Lord will enable to see me through.  I cannot allow these insidious drugs to

destroy my life and above my communion with my Lord and Savior .  

As JDM1984, learining to rest and lean upon my God....



#7 Wildflower0214

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Posted 12 October 2014 - 08:01 PM

Yes, that is very very difficult! I'm
Sorry you have been through all of that. Trusting Him in this is difficult. I struggle daily with fear. But, I have to remember that God did not give us that spirit of fear, it is a counterfeit. It is a lie. And removing the lie and planting truth is a process, of which I've barely begun. Glad you are here. Anything you need, if I can help, I'm here.
I'm quite incapacitated at the moment in a wave of symptoms and insomnia. We can keep each other in prayer.
I pray that you may enjoy good health, and that all may go well with you.
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#8 Wildflower0214

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Posted 31 October 2014 - 05:14 AM

Well, I am about four months into a rapid taper off of Effexor because of a bad reaction. And about six months into a CT switch from Lexepro to Effexor.
My drug roller coaster started in Feb of 2014, when they tried to begin to ween me off Lexepro entirely too fast, and I haven't been the same since. That was ten months ago. And if the truth be known, I started having symptoms of nervous system destabilization about two years ago, after a dose increase and a try at Wellbutrin. Ever since about 12/2012, I started having reactions to several items. And even before that, the longer I stayed on Lexepro I realize I was experiencing ahendonia, I thought it was depression. But, now it makes sense as to why it got worse with every dose increase, which was eventually accompanied by vertigo, loss of vision, panic attacks, and awful brain fog, and body pain. I thought I had MS. I literally felt near to nothing. Exercise no longer worked, I could drink a venti espresso and still be as numb and out of it as a doorknob.

For the last ten months, I have been waiting for the next shoe to drop. Well, I've lived my whole life that way, but even more so now. Waiting for the next reaction, intolerance, wave of symptoms etc. it was like hell. And, I have improved in some ways only to step back in other ways, but I'm learning that's how this goes. But, I have noticed that God is teaching me, instead of looking for the next shoe to drop, I am now looking for Him to show up and help me. And, you know what? He does, every single day. He always was helping me, but now I'm on the lookout for it. And, the fear that I would come out on the other side of this even more messed up has somewhat subsided. Because, I believe now, that learning to trust Him for my survival everyday is going to bring me out better than I was before medication.

So, today, and everyday, I look and wait for Him to speak and to move. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. So, I know my waiting in hopeful expectation is not ever in vain. He hears us when we call.
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#9 degen12

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Posted 11 November 2014 - 03:20 AM

It is hard to feel the sense of awe, well, that indescribable feeling that faith can brings on an SSRI (there is a study about it somewhere in my bookmarks, which need urgent sorting). In fact, it is hard to be spiritual in any sense. I am glad that you have found Christ. I am reading the Old Testament of The Bible (KJV for life) currently, in an audio book format that is good fireside reading (unfortunately I have to use the fireplace channel :P ). I hope it will turn into more than that.


April / 2016: Cipralex 10 mg, Mirtazapine 30 mg, Lyrica 600 mg, Diazepam 20 mg, Bystolic 5 mg

April / 2016: Mirtazapine 30 mg -> 15 mg


#10 bubble

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Posted 12 November 2014 - 09:26 AM

Hi, I am from Singapore. I have been on various antidepressant for the past 20 years

 In 2009 ago,I tried to taper my drug( 6 different types) cold turkey  but the withdrawal was

too fast for me to handle. For the past 5 years I am have in and out of hospital

more than 10 times and had numerous rounds of ECT!  I ask myself many times :

Am I mad? Am I not trusting in God'sprovidence? Many a times I feel so alone in the battle.

There are one thousand and one doubts.My faith was tested to the very limit.

My life is literally turn upside down.

Now that I begin to realize that the drastic impact on every aspect of my life : physically,

mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I tell myself enough is enough. I am now trying to

taper my Effexor gradually,(5% per week) which will take 20 weeks. Then I will move on

to vaproate. Into the 3rd week of my taper, I am experiencing intensifying symptoms of

withdrawal(brain fog, headaches,confusion, lack of concentrations, achings around my

neck, vivid dreams etc).  It is quite unbeareable I have to cope with work full time but I

trust that the Lord will enable to see me through.  I cannot allow these insidious drugs to

destroy my life and above my communion with my Lord and Savior .  

As JDM1984, learining to rest and lean upon my God....

Hello  Mufins and welcome to SA,

 

I would warmly recommend that you start a thread for yourself in our Introductions and updates section so that we could give you advice on your individual situation.

 

After reading about the way you are tapering, it's no wonder you are feeling awful! We recommend 10 % taper on your current dose every 30 days or even longer. even if you go by 5 %, every week is way too fast and your body is screaming at you through symptoms. It is also very important to hold and wait for your symptoms to subside before making a next cut for as long as it takes. 

 

I'm happy for you that you found us and that you can learn how to taper properly to avoid landing yourself in situations such as you describe with hospital admissions etc. 

 

Just copy this post into our Introductions section and put your drug history in your signature as described here: http://survivinganti...your-signature/

 

When you find the time please read from this thread to educate yourself on how to taper properly. But please stop making any more reductions. 

 

http://survivinganti...-forum-and-faq/

 

Once again welcome.

 

Bubble


Current: Xanax 0.625 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 3.9 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 (19 yrs)
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000.-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax: 0.4 mg every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax

9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.​5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2 Lex, 5 Feb 4.1 Lex

24 Mar 4 mg Lex, 10 Apr 3.9 mg Lex

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 


#11 Wildflower0214

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Posted 15 November 2014 - 03:36 PM

It is hard to feel the sense of awe, well, that indescribable feeling that faith can brings on an SSRI (there is a study about it somewhere in my bookmarks, which need urgent sorting). In fact, it is hard to be spiritual in any sense. I am glad that you have found Christ. I am reading the Old Testament of The Bible (KJV for life) currently, in an audio book format that is good fireside reading (unfortunately I have to use the fireplace channel :P ). I hope it will turn into more than that.


Yes, AD shut me off spiritually. I couldn't feel anything. Nothing. Pure grey. And I had virtually no conscious while on them. I wish I had a fireplace. :-/
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#12 Wildflower0214

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Posted 16 December 2014 - 09:27 PM

Finding God in all of this seems next to impossible. But, I know He is here.
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#13 daniel0708

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Posted 17 December 2014 - 10:42 AM

Wow, I didn't know there was a place to go to for spiritual discussion and weaning off medications. I was just baptized into Christ Nov 23rd although I have been a believer for awhile. I have to wonder about why I feel so spiritually dry. I have felt a complete disconnect the last few years. Now, reading the comments here, I know it is because of the medication. I don't currently take an AD, but I do take an antipsychotic and mood stabilizer. I think these things are counterproductive now.

 

I am trying to seek out others to pray for since the Scripture says, "Pray for one another that you may be healed." Perhaps as I pray for you all to be delivered from this terrible suffering, I might find some relief as well. "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."


<p>Successfully weaned off of Prozac, Concerta, Effexor XR, Buspar, Celexa, Lexapro, Seroquel, Geodon, Risperdal, Cogentin, Xanax, Ativan, and Depakote. Currently taking Abilify (7.5mg) and Lamictal 200mg. Hope to complete taper by mid November 2016. <p>For more information see the "About Me" link on my profile.


#14 Wildflower0214

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Posted 17 December 2014 - 12:11 PM

Thank you, I am in an awful awful wave. I need God.
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#15 alaskamom

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Posted 20 December 2014 - 10:42 AM

I am new here, but the GREATEST gift Paxil ever gave me was Jesus!  It took a weeklong hospitalization for anxiety attack from CTing from Paxil for me to realize I needed Christ.  So if any good came from it, this was it!  The verse that gets me through the anxiety and bad times is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."


1998- Began taking 20 mg. of Paxil for homesickness 2001-CT and crash/hospitalized 1 week for anxiety. Tried quitting, changing to other ADs, gave up. 2014 -Weaned @ 10% every 4 weeks. Latest 5-14 11.7 mg., 6-14 10.5 mg., 8-21 9.5 mg., 9-17 7.7 mg.,10-14 6.9 mg., 11-14 6.2 mg., 12-14 5.6 mg., 1-15 5.0 mg. 2-15 4.5 mg. (miscalculated may actually be 3.3), up-dosed to 3.7 3-17-15. Hydroxyzine HCl 25 mg. as needed (antihistamine) for anxiety.

#16 Wildflower0214

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Posted 27 December 2014 - 07:22 AM

I am new here, but the GREATEST gift Paxil ever gave me was Jesus! It took a weeklong hospitalization for anxiety attack from CTing from Paxil for me to realize I needed Christ. So if any good came from it, this was it! The verse that gets me through the anxiety and bad times is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."


Yes, I often believe that this situation is being used to get me to trust Him. In the very first months of all of this, back in the spring of 2014, I heard the song "oceans" by Hillsong, and it was like He was telling me to hang on. It's a beautiful song.

The verse He showed me over the summer is Psalm 73:26

"Though my flesh and my mind may fail, God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever."
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#17 lionofJuda

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Posted 27 December 2014 - 11:52 AM

amen I accepted Christ again

I wont hurt myself

I will trust him


Please note - I am not a medical practitioner and I do not give medical advice. I offer an opinion based on my own experiences, reading and discussion with others.


#18 lionofJuda

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Posted 27 December 2014 - 11:53 AM

God will make a way for me during this withdrawal, he will open doors and gates

for me, everyghing the enemy stole from me shall be return

that includes my health, finances  everything i declared those things in the name of Jesus


Please note - I am not a medical practitioner and I do not give medical advice. I offer an opinion based on my own experiences, reading and discussion with others.


#19 Wildflower0214

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Posted 27 December 2014 - 08:19 PM

You will be ok!!! Hang on. Having faith in this is hard. I know it. It's a struggle everyday. But, you are not alone ever.

He never leaves us or forsakes us. Never.
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#20 aberdeen

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Posted 27 December 2014 - 08:49 PM

God will never ever pile so much on us that we collapse. i think suicide is the ultimate collapse, and the faithful, the ones who lean on Christ, will be sheltered from reaching that point, if we just hold on and have hope. Even if that hope is just for night to come again so we can have darkness and quiet and no responsibilities but to just rest, even if we cant sleep. I pray for all of us, and I pray for those who have never sought help online and for the poor ones who don't even know what is happening to them.

God hears us. This was not his idea, but that of the Devil, to try and separate us spiritually from God, he has many tactics and I have no doubt that these medications are one of many tools he will use. But just because we can't feel close to God, he is close to us. We are safe under his wings, and knows our pain and wants our healing too. When I was in the darkest times of my wd, I slept with my Bible under my pillow because all I had the mental strength for was to just touch it. God knows when we draw near and he draws even closer.


2 Timothy 1-7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Effexor 75mg to 262.5mg 2005-2010 for post partum depression

Started having poop out mid 2010, also switched generic brands, then crashed in Dec 2010 (anxiety/ "terror", intense DR, anhedonia, suicidal ideation, chills, insomnia, horrible intrusive thoughts, disorientation, ect)
Rapid "tapered" from 262.5mg Effexor in 3 months

Tried Celexa,Cipralex, then Paxil to deal with wd(this switching made things worse and added akathesia)

Found online support and started tapering Paxil 7 months after quitting Effexor (at this point was having small windows).

Paxil taper: dropped 10% every 4-8 weeks

Year 1 October 2011 to Nov 2012 20mg to 10mg

Year 2 March 2013 to Feb 2014 10mg to 4mg

Year 3 April 2014 to May 2015 4mg to 1.1mg

Year 4 June 2015 1.1mg , dropping by 10% until .5mg, after then dropped by 0.1mg every 5 weeks until 0.1mg.

Finished! Official last dose of 0.1mg on June 15/16


#21 Wildflower0214

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Posted 28 December 2014 - 07:32 AM

God will never ever pile so much on us that we collapse. i think suicide is the ultimate collapse, and the faithful, the ones who lean on Christ, will be sheltered from reaching that point, if we just hold on and have hope. Even if that hope is just for night to come again so we can have darkness and quiet and no responsibilities but to just rest, even if we cant sleep. I pray for all of us, and I pray for those who have never sought help online and for the poor ones who don't even know what is happening to them.
God hears us. This was not his idea, but that of the Devil, to try and separate us spiritually from God, he has many tactics and I have no doubt that these medications are one of many tools he will use. But just because we can't feel close to God, he is close to us. We are safe under his wings, and knows our pain and wants our healing too. When I was in the darkest times of my wd, I slept with my Bible under my pillow because all I had the mental strength for was to just touch it. God knows when we draw near and he draws even closer.

Yes, I hve had my moments of believing I could not go on during this process. It has been horror I could have never even imagined I could suffer. But, God has carried me, and He will continue to. I know I am learning lessons I never would have if I had not had to go through this.
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#22 Wildflower0214

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Posted 28 December 2014 - 03:55 PM

I have a question..

I have had waves of intrusive obsessive guilt. About everything. And I have this compulsion to confess everything and try and fix it.

This is obviously related to WD, but part of me is like is this God...? I know it sounds ridiculous, but discernment is not what it should be these days. I don't view God as pointing out my every wrong move, but for some reason, the chemicals are speaking louder these days and it is hard to handle.

Has this happened to anyone else?
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#23 Earthworm

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Posted 29 December 2014 - 01:40 AM

What's the content of your guilt? Fear you're not saved or gonna lose your salvation? Because that's what I've had for a long time... it also happens to be like the most common problem among Christians... lack of assurance of salvation.


-On SSRI since April 2006.
-December 2007: SSRI discontinuation and discontinuation syndrome start.
-February 2008: SSRI reinstatement... improvement, yet discontinuation syndrome remains to this day.
-Currently taking: 20mg Citalopram, 1mg Risperidone (for insomnia).
-Current symptoms: OCD, social anxiety disorder, insomnia, agitation in legs, weight gain, muscle fatigue, skin brusing.


#24 Wildflower0214

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Posted 29 December 2014 - 03:14 AM

Yes!

Also, a situation a couple months ago when I was dishonest about something. I went back to the office to fess up, and I did, but because I had such bad cog fog I forgot one detail, and I tried to call the guy to tell him, and he never called back. And I have been so sick in WD that I haven't tried to call again, and I think he just doesn't care because he has already talked to me and thinks I'm crazy.

And it floats around in my head. Should I call again...? I'm too sick to deal with any of this at the moment. But, part of me wonders if it is God driving me to do it or is it just a compulsion. It feels like an anxious compulsion.
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#25 Earthworm

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Posted 03 January 2015 - 04:07 AM

Yes!

Also, a situation a couple months ago when I was dishonest about something. I went back to the office to fess up, and I did, but because I had such bad cog fog I forgot one detail, and I tried to call the guy to tell him, and he never called back. And I have been so sick in WD that I haven't tried to call again, and I think he just doesn't care because he has already talked to me and thinks I'm crazy.

And it floats around in my head. Should I call again...? I'm too sick to deal with any of this at the moment. But, part of me wonders if it is God driving me to do it or is it just a compulsion. It feels like an anxious compulsion.

 

Scrupulosity is what you are describing. And with that, you do things like that ones you've mentioned... attempting moral perfectionism. I've struggled with this for years, and only recently have been finding peace.

 

My view on this topic now is that the theology is the cause, which is often made a lot worse by anxiety/obsessive thoughts.

 

I was new to Christianity, and thought the Bible was clear and everyone believed the same thing about what one has to do to get into heaven. After years of torture and a bit of research (which I'm terribly inefficient at doing, thus it took years), I ended up concluding that Christians pretty much believe what they want to believe about God and salvation, and then come up with arguments and Bible verses to support their views. This then leads to endless debates.

 

There are several popular options regarding salvation in Christianity: salvation by faith alone, salvation by faith plus good works, or salvation by good works alone.

 

The salvation-by-faith-alone people say that all a person has to do to get into heaven is believe certain things are true about Jesus Christ. God gives eternal life to anyone who simply believes. This also means that one can go on sinning as much as they like and still get into heaven... including sinning willfully.

 

The salvation-by-faith-plus-works people say that faith isn't enough, and a person needs to do certain good things in his life as well. Good things like feeding the hungry, forgiving others, telling the truth, reading the Bible daily, praying enough, etc. People also have various ideas of how much good works is enough to get one into heaven.

 

The works-alone people would say one pretty much has to do enough good works to enter heaven.

 

The least stressful option of these is the faith-alone camp. However, even they did not lead me to peace. They disagree on the things one must believe about Jesus. Plus, if faith is a required response from us, then it is also a work we must do... a cognitive work, and I did not find assurance of salvation by relying on my cognitive work to save me.

 

When I had a look over this whole picture, I decided that I'm just gonna do my own thing and believe what I want. Thus I became a universalist (a small and unpopular view), which means I believe there is nothing one has to do to be saved because everyone goes to heaven. If any of the other options are true, then in my opinion we are miserable creatures to be born into this world... given finite minds/limited knowledge and forced by God to work for salvation from eternal torment. I terrifying and depressing reality, I realized.

 

So this is the story of my struggle with this issue and the solution that I've settled on.


-On SSRI since April 2006.
-December 2007: SSRI discontinuation and discontinuation syndrome start.
-February 2008: SSRI reinstatement... improvement, yet discontinuation syndrome remains to this day.
-Currently taking: 20mg Citalopram, 1mg Risperidone (for insomnia).
-Current symptoms: OCD, social anxiety disorder, insomnia, agitation in legs, weight gain, muscle fatigue, skin brusing.


#26 Wildflower0214

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Posted 03 January 2015 - 09:48 AM

Yes,

Unfortunately, this is not something I struggled with prior to this WD, even prior to meds. So, it's obviously WD.

I'm glad you have found some peace. I'm assuming I will as this WD runs its course.

It's a very yucky symptom. One of the worst.
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#27 Muddles

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Posted 03 January 2015 - 01:47 PM

I am a Christian and before medication I turned to God a lot to help me through bad times and thanked him for good times. My daughter was encouraged to pray every night etc. This changed when I started taking meds...I forgot about God and my spiritual side was lost. I didn't realise this up until withdrawal. It's so sad...I still can't connect and have recently begun to question my faith in God or even his existence!! So sad.
2008 - Doctors appointment with stress induced anxiety led to Citalopram prescription.
Severe adverse reaction
Mirtazapine prescribed - adverse reaction but told to stay on.
Poop out - December 2013
15mg
Currently on 13.5mg,
April 12mg
May 10th - 11mg
June 10th - 10mg
July 8th - 9mg
September - 0mg

#28 Wildflower0214

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Posted 03 January 2015 - 02:06 PM

I am a Christian and before medication I turned to God a lot to help me through bad times and thanked him for good times. My daughter was encouraged to pray every night etc. This changed when I started taking meds...I forgot about God and my spiritual side was lost. I didn't realise this up until withdrawal. It's so sad...I still can't connect and have recently begun to question my faith in God or even his existence!! So sad.

Muddles,

I lost my touch with God too while on meds.
This is very very common. I've heard it a lot.

I too have questioned Him, my faith, everything.
I have been stripped of everything and am raw in this suffering. In the end, on my knees, tears rolling, thrashing on the floor in despair, in sleepless nights, in hospital waiting rooms, screaming out for help, looking at a shadow of myself in the mirror... In all of these moments, I have nothing if I don't have Him. This is all I know.

My faith has been stripped of all denominational theology, all abstract ideas, all tradition. All I know is I cannot endure without Him. This has become the totality of my faith. I cannot....without Him.
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#29 SelmaLady

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Posted 03 January 2015 - 02:22 PM

 

I am a Christian and before medication I turned to God a lot to help me through bad times and thanked him for good times. My daughter was encouraged to pray every night etc. This changed when I started taking meds...I forgot about God and my spiritual side was lost. I didn't realise this up until withdrawal. It's so sad...I still can't connect and have recently begun to question my faith in God or even his existence!! So sad.

Muddles,

I lost my touch with God too while on meds.
This is very very common. I've heard it a lot.

I too have questioned Him, my faith, everything.
I have been stripped of everything and am raw in this suffering. In the end, on my knees, tears rolling, thrashing on the floor in despair, in sleepless nights, in hospital waiting rooms, screaming out for help, looking at a shadow of myself in the mirror... In all of these moments, I have nothing if I don't have Him. This is all I know.

My faith has been stripped of all denominational theology, all abstract ideas, all tradition. All I know is I cannot endure without Him. This has become the totality of my faith. I cannot....without Him.

 

Exactly.  Exactly. 


1971-81  Valium 5mg c/t PAWS     1988- through now Zoloft 25mg    2003-05 Valium 12mg Slow Taper Off

2013 Afrin Exposure to CNS    2013 O/D Val 230mg    2013 Doxepin 50mg Clonidine 2mg Zoloft 25mg

3/15/16  Doxepin 49mg Micro Tapering  Zoloft 24.3mg Holding taper

3/15/16 Clonidine mg 0.1 1/2 -    Decreasing incrementally. 

10/9/16  Doxepin 48.9  Zoloft 24.3  Clonidine  01.10  Continuing micro taper on Doxepin.

11/16/16 Doxepin 48mg  Zoloft 24.3mg  Clonidine 1.30mg

5/4/17  Doxepin 45mg  Zoloft 24mg  Clonidine 1.20mg   Micro taper of Doxepin, Clonidine

 

 


#30 Muddles

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Posted 03 January 2015 - 03:08 PM

But why would he let us suffer so much? I always thought everything happened for a reason - we all had a path. But I can't find the reason for this....and not just for this, for the constant bad luck thrown at my family constantly, it's like one big curse! God was a comfort to me whilst growing up, I would always turn to him but I can't even do that now. I'm not quite sure how to get back my faith?
2008 - Doctors appointment with stress induced anxiety led to Citalopram prescription.
Severe adverse reaction
Mirtazapine prescribed - adverse reaction but told to stay on.
Poop out - December 2013
15mg
Currently on 13.5mg,
April 12mg
May 10th - 11mg
June 10th - 10mg
July 8th - 9mg
September - 0mg

#31 Earthworm

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Posted 03 January 2015 - 04:28 PM

During the worst years of my WD I was totally lost and didn't know what to believe in... that led to hopelessness. Being influenced into a belief system of strict moral obedience or hell made things worse as well. I kept thinking about suicide nonstop for a period of one year when my symptoms were the strongest.

 

I too am trying to develop a solid belief system to get me through the tough times, so far I came up with this:

 

I read a lot of near-death experiences during my time of suicide contemplation, some of which influenced my current beliefs. Some people were told during their NDE that all their suffering was part of the plan set for their life, a plan which they agreed to fulfill before being born on earth even. Some people were told their plan during the experience, and they were really excited about it so much that they were willing to return to earth to continue their suffering because of the good that will result from it for others on earth and in their spiritual growth in the afterlife (although they were also told that they will not be allowed to remember their plan when they return to their bodies). Many were also told that if they committed suicide, they'd have to return back into the mortal realm to relive all their suffering from the beginning.

 

This is the best I got ATM, and I hope it will help me through the tough times which might await me in the future. If all this suffering is running according to plan designed by a God of unconditional love, will result in great good for me and others, then it makes some sense for me to keep going and get it right the first time.

 

It's unfortunate that I'd have to use NDEs for this, and no one can be certain this is all true, but I feel like there aren't any answers to the big questions of life anyway, yet a strong foundation of optimistic beliefs is essential for getting through the suffering, so I choose to believe the best thing I could come up with.


-On SSRI since April 2006.
-December 2007: SSRI discontinuation and discontinuation syndrome start.
-February 2008: SSRI reinstatement... improvement, yet discontinuation syndrome remains to this day.
-Currently taking: 20mg Citalopram, 1mg Risperidone (for insomnia).
-Current symptoms: OCD, social anxiety disorder, insomnia, agitation in legs, weight gain, muscle fatigue, skin brusing.


#32 elgee

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Posted 04 January 2015 - 07:11 AM

 All I know is I cannot endure without Him. This has become the totality of my faith. I cannot....without Him.

After 40 some years of being a christian, I've finally come to this place.


2.5 tapered to .75 mgs ativan (7 months) c/o to 7.50 valium tapered to 0 (15 months) benzo free 12/2011!<p>1500 mgs gabapentin microtapering, down to 1350 as of 1/5/2015, 1225 as of 11/1/2015

#33 Wildflower0214

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Posted 04 January 2015 - 07:27 AM

But why would he let us suffer so much? I always thought everything happened for a reason - we all had a path. But I can't find the reason for this....and not just for this, for the constant bad luck thrown at my family constantly, it's like one big curse! God was a comfort to me whilst growing up, I would always turn to him but I can't even do that now. I'm not quite sure how to get back my faith?


As a Christian, If I ask about suffering, then I have to ask myself why he let people starve, live on the streets, and die from childhood disease... Because we live in a fallen world. Sin made it this way. No meducation is totally safe, no treatment without side effect....etc. there are no 100% answers on this earth. Things are not fair. My mother has already lost her son, and I'm all she has left. My brother died from HIV infected blood in the 80's, blood the medical community knew was infected, but took their sweet time pulling it off the market. I have no answers. But, all I know is I can't go one second without Him. I've come to the conclusion that I will never know why my brother died. But, I do feel like He is gonna bring me through this, and that there will be good that comes from it. That's all I know.
2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....
5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

#34 SelmaLady

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Posted 04 January 2015 - 08:00 AM

What helps me to let God be God is to remember that we are created by Him and for Him.  I find myself believing on some level that I am self-created and entitled to the final say on what happens to me.  And that He gave the ultimate price to bring us back to Himself, to restore the severed tie.  And that He is not a disinterested observer but is present in the suffering.  And that the pain we feel when we see suffering and the deep need we have to resolve it, comes from HIM.  And the deep grief that I feel because I can't be a mother and grandmother comes from His heart of love for His children.  And that He is waiting to end sin on earth so that all who will come to Him are safely within His Kingdom.   But what always quiets my questions, my wanting Him at times to defend Himself to me, however sinful that feeling, is the passage in Isaiah  55:8,9

 

8"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD. 9"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.…

 

Ok.. You have promised that You are working everything to the good, no matter how agonizing it may be. And You have said over and over that You will never leave us.  And You have suffered far beyond what You are allowing in my life.  And my future is secure in a place of utter bliss.  And I say then, Thank you Lord.  For all You are and for Your unending love . 


1971-81  Valium 5mg c/t PAWS     1988- through now Zoloft 25mg    2003-05 Valium 12mg Slow Taper Off

2013 Afrin Exposure to CNS    2013 O/D Val 230mg    2013 Doxepin 50mg Clonidine 2mg Zoloft 25mg

3/15/16  Doxepin 49mg Micro Tapering  Zoloft 24.3mg Holding taper

3/15/16 Clonidine mg 0.1 1/2 -    Decreasing incrementally. 

10/9/16  Doxepin 48.9  Zoloft 24.3  Clonidine  01.10  Continuing micro taper on Doxepin.

11/16/16 Doxepin 48mg  Zoloft 24.3mg  Clonidine 1.30mg

5/4/17  Doxepin 45mg  Zoloft 24mg  Clonidine 1.20mg   Micro taper of Doxepin, Clonidine

 

 


#35 elgee

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Posted 04 January 2015 - 09:14 AM

SelmaLady,

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement. After reading this I was reminded of the words to a hymn that I find such comfort in called "What e're my Lord Ordains is Right."

 

What e’re my God ordains is right, though now this cup in drinking 
May bitter seem to my faint heart, I take it all unshrinking 
My God is true, each morn’ a new, sweet comfort yet, shall fill my heart 
And pain and sorrow shall depart 


2.5 tapered to .75 mgs ativan (7 months) c/o to 7.50 valium tapered to 0 (15 months) benzo free 12/2011!<p>1500 mgs gabapentin microtapering, down to 1350 as of 1/5/2015, 1225 as of 11/1/2015

#36 WinningThrough

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Posted 04 January 2015 - 10:38 AM

During the worst years of my WD I was totally lost and didn't know what to believe in... that led to hopelessness. Being influenced into a belief system of strict moral obedience or hell made things worse as well. I kept thinking about suicide nonstop for a period of one year when my symptoms were the strongest.
 
I too am trying to develop a solid belief system to get me through the tough times, so far I came up with this:
 
I read a lot of near-death experiences during my time of suicide contemplation, some of which influenced my current beliefs. Some people were told during their NDE that all their suffering was part of the plan set for their life, a plan which they agreed to fulfill before being born on earth even. Some people were told their plan during the experience, and they were really excited about it so much that they were willing to return to earth to continue their suffering because of the good that will result from it for others on earth and in their spiritual growth in the afterlife (although they were also told that they will not be allowed to remember their plan when they return to their bodies). Many were also told that if they committed suicide, they'd have to return back into the mortal realm to relive all their suffering from the beginning.
 
This is the best I got ATM, and I hope it will help me through the tough times which might await me in the future. If all this suffering is running according to plan designed by a God of unconditional love, will result in great good for me and others, then it makes some sense for me to keep going and get it right the first time.
 
It's unfortunate that I'd have to use NDEs for this, and no one can be certain this is all true, but I feel like there aren't any answers to the big questions of life anyway, yet a strong foundation of optimistic beliefs is essential for getting through the suffering, so I choose to believe the best thing I could come up with.


Thanks, Muddles, for directing me to this thread and to this post in particular. It really helps and reminds me of the belief system I had before I took the drugs and my life changed.

I've always believed in God, not necessarily always in the conventional sense but the belief has always been there. I also believed in reincarnation. I was fascinated by near death experiences and had several books on the subject.

A few years ago I read an amazing book..one of the most fascinating books I've ever read. It's called 'journey of souls' by Michael Newton. He used to do past life regression and would take people back to past lives through hypnotherapy. During one session, he was amazed when he accidentally (from what I remember) took a woman back to a life IN BETWEEN lives. He started to do this work with others. There were many, many similarities between the stories. People experienced an incredible sense of peace. They also talked about soul groups, which really resonated with me, and of choosing life experiences before being born. I always believed that we were here to learn, choosing different experiences in each life to learn a different lesson. This book felt so right.

Since being slammed by the drugs, all that got lost. All my spiritual connection was severed. I'm sure many people here feel that too. I tried and tried to reach out to God but couldn't feel it. I had a semi window a couple of weeks ago and I actually felt my connection to god again, after 15 months without it. During that time I felt and saw people healing from this. I not only felt that people would get better, I KNEW it. So take heart..this can suddenly come back unexpectedly. My window shut and I currently can't access my spirituality but it was definitely there for a couple of days.

This post, reminding me that in NDEs people were told that they needed to fulfil a mission in this life, is a great reminder to keep pushing forward with this experience. It may be a dreadful one but it's still an experience.
The only way out is through.

Aug 2013 - Augmentin leading to akathisia
Sept-Nov 2013 - Citalopram 20mg, severe reaction, off at 5mg. Valium 4mg, prn
Oct 2013 - 5 zopiclone tablets, 7.5mg
End Nov 2013-end Feb 2014, Seroquel, top dose 150mg, off at 25mg
End Nov 2013-early march 2014, Zoloft 100mg top dose, off at 25mg
End Dec-2013-early April 2014, lorazepam 1mg prn
April 3rd 2014 zoloft 5mg for a few days. 18/4/14 - zoloft, 1mg. Came off at 0.35 mg,14th June 2014
29 June 2014 - 1mg lorazepam, last ever
29 June 2014 - med free