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scottly9999

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Hi All again

 

Another update, not much has changed, but my low mood seems to have really come down hard.

It feels like a lead blanket - and try as I might to get a foot out at the bottom to get a bit of relief, it doesn't last much.

 

I'm confused by this... as it's nearly going to be grief related - as it's still only 3-4 weeks since Mum died - quite suddenly.

Although she wasn't a very well person - it was still quite unexpected.

Truth be told, in an earlier post here, I detailed the strained and awkward relationship with her - and pretty much the last 5 years (in particular) were nothing but exasperation, lying, manipulation and lots of other crap.

I was fully expecting to feel RELIEF - but I haven't felt that AT ALL, not even slightly.

 

I'm most definately feeling depression, and very strongly - lost the wind out of my sails totally.

But I don't feel like I'm greiving losing my mother at all - which is why I'm so confused.

 

Timing coulnd't have been much worse for me in the last stages of withdrawal.

I was starting to feel more stable leading upto this.

 

Just about everybody who reads this will say "it's your grief - nothing more"... but it doesn't FEEL that way, or like that.

It's so hard to explain.

 

The emotions are stubbonly hard to shift with even a bit of positive thinking currently.

 

ever since I went onto Lexapro I effectively LOST the best feeling in the world - the feeling of BEING HOME...

I haven't really felt that for a long time - I blame Lexapro for that.

 

I hope I get that back.

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

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  • Mentor

 

 

ever since I went onto Lexapro I effectively LOST the best feeling in the world - the feeling of BEING HOME...

I haven't really felt that for a long time - I blame Lexapro for that.

 

I hope I get that back.

I hope you get that back too!!

I have the same issue, I don't feel like I am "home".

it's an evil drug :/

 

I hope that in time, the depressed feelings that are WD related give way to more normal grief feelings, which, I find, are easier to deal with.

 

it will get better. hang in there, ok?

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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  • Moderator Emeritus

Scottly, I'm sorry learn that you lost your mum. I had a similar experience when my mother died two years ago: we knew it was going to happen and it did. Although it was an expected event, I still went through waves of exhaustion, foggy-mindedness and irritability in the weeks and months after, very similar to my presenting condition when I started taking anti-depressants. My dad went through something similar.
 
From my perspective and experience, what you're going through could be grief-related. Despite that, you're wise to pay attention and not write it off. It may help to keep notes on paper of your symptoms and the times of your dose(s). This post has a useful format for a daily log:
Take notes of doses and symptoms.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.
1997-1999 Effexor; 2002-2005 Effexor XR 37.5 mg linear taper, dropping same #beads/week with bad results

Cymbalta 60 mg 2012 - 2015; 2016: 20 mg to 7 mg exact doses and dates in this post; 2017: 6.3 mg to  0.0 mg  Aug. 12; details here


scallywag's Introduction
Online spreadsheet for dose taper calculations and nz11's THE WORKS spreadsheet

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Update time.

 

I seem to be getting a grip on the debilitating depression.,.. it is easing.

I'm repeating to myself positive phrases such as

"I WILL heal and return to normal"

"What I'm feeling now is normal and exactly what I'm supposed to be feeling right now."

"I CAN have that lovely 'home' feeling again"

 

And you know what?  It's starting to work.

 

I also took a few 5-HTP capsules during the last few weeks on and off... I THINK they helped a bit at the time, but I also think I had a rebound effect from them too - and crashed.

 

Not sure if it's grief - or just an emotionally upsetting event thats caused turbulence and I'm still not recovered from WD yet.

 

Each time I've had a pretty bad dip like this - I tend to recover just a lttle bit stronger again.

I feel that way currently, like a little more focused and stronger and more "me"... the similar sort of cycle I've reported over the years.

 

The whole SSRI really disconnects you from your emotions - they blank out and flatline to an extent, and nothing you think really seems to change them - much anyways.

You become lazy with your thinking as it doesn't matter any more.

 

I always was slightly neurotic and very very slightly OCD - and liked things "just so"... I'm getting TINY LITTLE fragments of that coming back - which is a GOOD sign!!!!!

It's those little things I'm holding onto.

 

But when I'm better - I won't need to "hold onto" anything really - as I'll just be better and returned to myself with normal emotions and connection to a vivid reality.

 

Overall - I'm heading in the right direction.

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

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Hi All.

 

Ok - BIG update everybody.... as of Sunday 7th - NO LEXAPRO!

I'm a few days into this, and so far so good.

It'll really be months and months before I know for sure... and I'm positive there will be bumps along the way.

 

But so far I've had VERY VERY VERY slight brain zaps - only 2-3 a day - but so mild I'd have to be concentrating to even notice them.

 

I feel more vivid - more here and now in the moment,... I can FEEL a bit more, like I'm starting to CARE about things again, not just 1 super focused thing...

 

I don't feel manic or hyper - just more like me.

 

My feelings feel more natural and flowing - like they respond a bit more - very subtle and only slightly... but it's there.

I don't feel zonked out and zoned out - and haven't felt like this in years.

it's nice.

really nice.

 

being on Lexapro was the WORSE B*****Y thing thats happened to me..

Horrible horrible stuff.... wish I never ever took it.

 

I'm hoping I get fully back to me - but taking on board the learning I can from this journey also.

 

There may well be an update from me in a few days or weeks saying OMG - CRASHED...

Don't know - but I'm taking this for what it is now... and if I DO crash - IT WON'T BE PERMANENT and WILL PASS.

 

Take that Lexapro  <KAPOW>!!!!!!

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

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  • Mentor

wow you are OFF lexapro completely?? congratulations!!

do you mind if I ask, did you go straight from 0.2mgs to zero or did you taper?

 

I am down to 0.2mgs now but plan to taper from this to .19, then .18, .17 and so on all the way down to the tiny drop in the syringe.

 

it looks like you took a very long time to taper, over 3 yrs, right?

 

I know we are all different, but this is giving me so much hope that I'm really nearing the finish line myself. I've had some of the best wide open windows the past two days. My sleep deteriorated a bit, but it's not bothering me because the day time has been so good.

 

 

Oh I so hope that this goes well for you! you are wise to anticipate bumps in the road, but I sure hope they are just tiny ones and short lived.

 

again, congratulations!!

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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  • Moderator Emeritus

Congratulations, Scottly.  You did great and I have nothing but good wishes for you down the road.

Gridley Introduction

 

Lexapro 20 mg since 2004.  Begin Brassmonkey Slide Taper Jan. 2017.   

End 2017 year 1 of taper at 9.25mg 

End 2018 year 2 of taper at 4.1mg

End 2019 year 3 of taper at 1.0mg  

Oct. 30, 2020  Jump to zero from 0.025mg.  Current dose: 0.000mg

3 year, 10 month taper is 100% complete.

 

Ativan 1 mg to 1.875mg 1986-2020, two CT's and reinstatements

Nov. 2020, 7-week Ativan-Valium crossover to 18.75mg Valium

Feb. 2021, begin 10%/4 week taper of 18.75mg Valium 

End 2021  year 1 of Valium taper at 6mg

End 2022 year 2 of Valium taper at 2.75mg 

End 2023 year 3 of Valium taper at 1mg

Jan. 24, 2024: Hold at 1mg and shift to Imipramine taper.

Taper is 95% complete.

 

Imipramine 75 mg daily since 1986.  Jan.-Sept. 2016 tapered to 14.4mg  

March 22, 2022: Begin 10%/4 week taper

Aug. 5, 2022: hold at 9.5mg and shift to Valium taper

Jan. 24, 2024: Resume Imipramine taper.  Current dose as of Feb. 22: 7.6mg

Taper is 90% complete.  

  

Supplements: multiple, quercetin, omega-3, vitamins C, E and D3, magnesium glycinate, probiotics, zinc, melatonin .3mg, anti-candida, iron, serrapeptase, nattokinase


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

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Ok.

The low mood has hit.. and pretty hard.

Ive taken a 5htp.. see if that helps.

It came on pretty quickly over say 2 days.. and really hit home yesterday.

We just finished watching "13 reasons why". The show was brilliant but the ending of last 2 episodes were incredibly depressing.. plus with my super low mood.. its stuck with me.

 

Please dont worry as im not thinking about suicide.. but am feeling incredibly depressed.

 

Im reminding myself ive seen this heaps and it WILL pass.. but this rebound depression has a way of sitting on you like a lead blanket and wont move no matter what you throw at it and try to loft your mood.

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

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  • Mentor

hoping the depression lifts soon and that you see the sun

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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Hi All

 

Well, the really black mood has lifted, but not entirely, but certainly much better.

So it's more proof of the destabilizing effect of reducing the dose.

I'm still at 0mg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY!

I honestly believe that my last 12 months were very slow and steady that I shouldn't have any effects of WD or PAWS.

 

I guess this is when the real healing happens... as I really felt I lost a lot of identity while on Lexapro.

As the dose has got lower, I've been getting glimpses of things, fleeting feelings and emotions... that really contrast and show me how zoned out and numb I had become.

I wonder will I return to how I was?  Or will I be somebody else?

Will I ever fully get back to how I was?

I don't know, and over-pondering those questions really isn't helpful.

 

My mood is much better.  It came better a tad quicker than normal - it is what it is.

 

I'm finding that my thoughts have a LITTLE bit more effect on my mood... and started reading "The Happiness Trap" book.

I found that I didn't need or want to read self-help books... and they had little affect anyway...

 

I'm really focusing on "triggers" on negative patterns and thoughts and zoning in on them, not arguing with them, not changing them but highlighting them, as that is the groundwork for future positive stuff.

 

I can tell that some of my triggers are old, since teenage years too!  I was vaguely aware of them then, but becoming more aware now.

 

Interesting times.

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

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Hi All

 

I'm about 2 weeks into 0mg of Lexapro - and it feels like the WORST is behind me - not sure if taht is accurate - or a window or what...

BUT the depression SEEMS to be lifting - or breaking.

Part of my confusion with my entire tapering process was I was expecting to notice returning to normal as I got lower and lower in my dose...

However, I'm now starting to notice myself returning to normal only after fully stopping the drug.

I think I was on it so long that my brain down-regulated so much - and it was super sensitive to the drug.

 

I don't know for sure.

 

I also felt a knawing emptiness a lot of the time, not a depression emptiness, but a "meh" type of numbness - that stuff that I'd normally be into - not obsessively, but just nicely into - wasn't satisfying anymore.

Although it's only a few days - I SEEM to be feeling a lot more like my normal self..

I konw I've said this a lot over my taper journey - but this feels different, like the bubble wrap is really starting to fall away... like I don't feel empty...

I think my obsessive hobbies over the last few years was a sort of compulsion - like a way of FORCING myself to be interested in a topic... was either full 100% or nothing.

Now I think I can feel slight subtle changes.

 

I def feel more alert and awake... not so oblivious to whats happening around me.

 

I wouldn't say I feel happier, but I CERTAINLY am feeling a level of contentment that is really nice.

 

It's only been a day since I've started to come out from some horrible depression - spaced out depression... yucky stuff.

I kept telling myself it isn't the real me, it's just a phase, it's just withdrawal...

the drug had control over my brain and nervous system, it's just the brain taking control again.

i WILL get better, and come good....

and it seems to be working....

 

it's the subtle and little things... I was walking around the house yesterday looking at things very slightly differently - noticing different things.

 

For SO LONG the effect OF Lexapro was me thinking I was just getting older, or something ELSE wrong with me.

They really should NOT BE labelled as "anti-depressants".. they should be labelled as "anti-life" or anti-emotions...

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

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More updates.

 

The waves and windows are coming thick and fast... they SEEM a bit less intense each time - and last a little less.

I'm also becoming more aware of the mental stuff I'll need to work on for my longer term happiness.

 

But it's almost impossible to work on cognitive based stuff in withdrawal - as everything fluctuates on it's own - very little from your own thoughts... so the topic I read of spiraling emotions is very true.

It certainly is a quite a journey!!!

Lots of flash backs, emotions, sensations... lots.

 

It's true that the REAL healing only occurs once you're off...

 

The windows seem more real too.

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

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  • Mentor

More updates.

 

The waves and windows are coming thick and fast... they SEEM a bit less intense each time - and last a little less.

I'm also becoming more aware of the mental stuff I'll need to work on for my longer term happiness.

 

But it's almost impossible to work on cognitive based stuff in withdrawal - as everything fluctuates on it's own - very little from your own thoughts... so the topic I read of spiraling emotions is very true.

It certainly is a quite a journey!!!

Lots of flash backs, emotions, sensations... lots.

 

It's true that the REAL healing only occurs once you're off...

 

The windows seem more real too.

 

sorry to hear about your waves...

yes it sure is one heck of a journey

 

I have a question about your taper, your signature says: 2017 Jan 0.2mg

 

Did you taper down from there, and if so, how much each month? I'm at 0.20 now, which is one reason why I'm asking.

 

one more question if you don't mind, when you say the windows seem more real, what do you mean? are you happier or are things just, um, clearer?

do you feel more like yourself?

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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Hi H2H

 

First - I've adjusted my signature - sorry - I clean forgot as I had drifted away from the site a bit.

I've fixed it now... so you can see I was at 0.2mg for quite a while.

I really don't know if I was still tapering from 0.2mg to a lesser dose would have lessened the impact of the waves jumping to full 0...?

 

So if I had my time over, I MAY have tapered to a lower dose than 0.2mg - but with the 20mg/ml liquid, it was the last notch on the syringe I have to measure - and I don't think I could have accurately measured the liquid any less.

PLUS I just couldn't tell how much it was even doing anyway!

Clearly - still a bit...

 

My waves and windows - ok, the windows... when I'm getting windows now, I feel more just normal like how I remember being normal before Lexapro.

I feel a bit more ALERT, more awake, slightly more in-tune with whats happening around me - not the oblivious state that Lexapro puts you in.

But it's only in bits and pieces..

My mood can dip very quickly.  Woke up this mornign quite good... felt a bit rough physically (feel like I'm fightint off a cold - the whole house has had it - MAYBE WD??!?!?)

And mood started to slip down fairly quickly - I couldn't attibute it to any specific thought process or pattern though, just feels it's doing it's own thing.

Last night felt good - not REALLY good, just good, solid, stable, clear headed, no dreaded feeling in my stomach - which I didn' trealize was there until it left.

 

Ultimately I feel more like myself in a window now - as opposed to WD free during the taper.

BUT the difference is subtle and changes a lot.

 

It's been tough yes.

 

Edited by ChessieCat
changed member name

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

Link to comment
  • Mentor

thank you SO much for clarifying that Scottly

I didn't realize you were on the higher concentration, I feel so lucky now that I'm on the 1:1 solution of lexapro and can continue to taper slowly down more before jumping off.

 

with all that you've gone thru lately, I would not be surprised if some of your feelings and reactions are related to real life stuff and not entirely due to recovery, maybe more of a mix of both.

 

I hope that things settle nicely for you soon!

thanks again,

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
Link to comment

Hi All

 

Back again.

the mood swings are continuing..  and pretty brutal.

They are impossible to shift or change, you can't positive think your way through them.

I've had a few little positive windows here and there...

what is getting me through is it's NOT permanent, it's NOT THE REAL ME - it WILL PASS... although it doesn't necessarily grant emotional relief, the intellectual part of my brain it helps.

 

It really is true the posts with Spiralling emotions, and Neuro Emotions too.

 

Ive tried some 5 HTP and found it did sort of help - but I got a tense feeling around my jaw which was particularly uncomfortable.

 

The "depression" feeling has been quite different and changes a lot too... you can feel depressed in lots of subtlely different ways.

 

As of this morning, I'm feeling slightly better, slightly mroe stable.

 

I DID feel like I was losing it a bit at times... completely unsure of myself.

 

One persistent trigger that seems to set of a particularly bad depression wave for me is a feeling of isolation and loneliness.

The feeling of not having hardly any family - at family events, everybody else is busy, except our little family - and you can't just create family out of thin air to fill that gap.

Realistically, once my emotions have calmed down i'll have to work on some CBT for this area in my mind.

It's not the fact, but your response to it that creates the emotion.

I used to feel complete with my little family, just being at home with my wife and kids used to fill me with a lot of joy... I need that back!!!

AND is one of the primary reasons I needed to get off Lexapro.

i still love my wife so much, but it's difficult to TAP INTO the EMOTION of feeling it.

 

It's almost impossible to go through CBT in WD, as you really don't have really good control in this area.

They have a life of their own.

 

I remember reading something on these forums once from somebody saying it's as if your brain has to re-catalogue all your emotions again, and slowly get them under control.

It really does sort of feel that way.

 

It's SO HARD to know if the depression IS caused by my mind, or if my mood is causing my mind to have negative thoughts as it is.

 

Overall, I'm still trending in the right direction - it's just a necessary process of healing.

I'm summarizing  stuff here, so it might sound slightly more negative than it means to be.

 

Stay strong people!

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

Link to comment

Hi All

 

Ok - it's about a month since I stopped Lexapro.

I'm currently in a windows right now.  I feel perfectly normal, just plain simple NORMAL... feels very familiar to me from years ago.

It's good.  I could happily feel this way.

I don't feel "happy", but I feel content and just right.

I feel more solid and complete inside, not a slightly nagging hollowness or teetering on the edge of a spiral downwards.

 

Who knows if it's a window, or me actually becoming me?

 

I can say for the time being that my negative thoughts were coming from the chemical imbalance I was experiencing while in a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE wave.

 

The waves are becoming less severe and slightly shorter..

 

Your entire perception changes with these meds - they are so powerful it's ridiculous.

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

Link to comment

Hiya All

 

I'm happy to say that I've been experiencing a really good window for 3+ days straight now.

I just feels lovely to be back in my own head and body.

on waking in the morning, the bed feels warm and cozy - and I'm *HAPPY* to be there!

HAPPY to be home with my family - it's not overwhelming, but it's there.

 

I don't feel UP or HYPOMANIC - which I know I've had slight episodes of... 

I feel clear in thought and emotion, I feel totally solid and connected to my body.

I feel calm and relaxed and fairly content... content enough with myself but wanting a bit extra, want to lose some weight etc.

 

I really can't say if it's a window, or if I'm at the level I'll be without Lexapro - but I'm enjoying it for what it is now.

 

This is the first time I actually feel FREE of the effects of the drug - for years.

 

I can say there is a BIG difference in the way I feel now to how I felt on even just 0.2mg of the crap.

It also solidifys my experience or theory of what poop out was - in that my brain had nowhere else to go in fighting the effect of taking the SSRI that it started to affect other areas of my brain keeping me in a state of horrible poop-out depression / anxiety.

 

I don't feel blissed out, I'm worry about issues with my daughter, bills, and other stuff... but certainly free of a lot of the horrible feelings I was constantly feeling while even on a low dose of Lexapro.

 

It's important to write these updates for people who are like me - confused and wondering if they'll EVER get there!!!

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

Link to comment
  • Mentor

I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate your updates.

 

I'm at 0.18mgs and so looking forward to being off completely.

If I had not done a too fast taper in the beginning, I'd be so tempted to jump off at where I am now, but since I rushed at the start (and screwed up in other ways) I'm gonna do my best to go slow now

 

I am so happy for you!!! I hope this continues, with just the usual ups and downs of life and no crappy chemical induced stuff to deal with any more!

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Everybody

 

Update time.

 

Since my last update - I've had another pretty big wave crash all around me.

I don't seem to have physical symptoms anymore - a slight tingling in legs and feet and the mildest brain zap - but I have to be looking for them to notice them.

It's the emotions!

Depression - intense, strong, soul sucking depression.

It seems to strike right into my inner being.

The part of me that for SO LONG seemed to be ok.

A very very central theme of it seems to be isolation and loneliness.... it's based on effectively being an only child.

My Dad immigrated from Scotland in the 50's - he was an only child.

So was only him and his Mum and Dad.

HIs Dad died not long after they moved to Aus.

His Mum deteriorated with dementia years and years later.

His remaining family was in Scotland and England... occasional cards and phone calls.

Mum's family - Mum having the mental illness as described in previous posts, was advised to only have me as a child.

Her younger sister, never had kids (she died 25 years ago of cancer).

Her eldest brother took off to north Queensland and we hardly ever heard from him or their family.

Another brother also never had kids - he's still alive, and we keep in touch.


I feel out with Mum's cousin over the funeral arrangements for Mum (odd thing to happen)...

I honestly can't think of any other family.

I was in regular contact with Dad's 2nd cousin in the UK - and stayed with them for a few years... again. not in Australia.

 

I've got good friends, a lovely wife, but for some reason - I seem to be really battling feelings of being alone - what if somehtin happens to my wife?

 

I'm sure it's just a depressed mood talking - but it seems to being out your deepest, darkest fears.

 

Also keeping in mind that my wife lost her parents years ago in the UK.. so in terms of immediate family - there isn't any.

Literally Christmas day is just the 4 of us at home... while all our friends spend 2-3 days catching up with the entire crew of their extended families...

I know most of them don't actually enjoy it, but it strikes me very deeply that I don't have that.

 

Which is why I do struggle so much with the depressed mood waves, it's insideous.  I do hope it's just a low mood swing as part of the waves and windows pattern of healing.

 

What is so difficult to deal with - it's just like a lead blanket that smothers your mood - pretty much nothing is allowed in.

I push through as much as possible with my family and work - and when I mention it to people (not many just trusted people) they are usually VERY surprised.


It's similar to the other waves I've had of late

 

I think what a BIG part of it is - I was zoned out to the max (On Lexapro) when Dad died 5 years ago, and I have a feeling that the grieving process for losing Dad wasn't really resolved while I was on Lexapro - and it feels like it might be coming out now.

Who knows.

 

I have faith that it'll pass, and I'll be in a lovely window soon.  My low spells don't seem to last much longer than about a week... I could feel this one come on about Thursday - Friday last week... almost as if something flicked a little switch deep inside, and I knew and recognized it, and was like I think I can feel a wave about to come on....

weird stuff.

 

 

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

Link to comment

I'm similar to you in terms of not having much family and I don't have any kids, neither does my 1 sibling who has many problems so can't provide support for me.   My spouse works a lot and though is supportive, it's still not enough, just the two of us in terms of social interaction. I find it helpful to keep a circle of a few good friends, and we have our church interests and activities in common.  If you could find some sort of group, interest, or hobby that could create a community for you, that could act in some ways like a family.  You would feel less isolated and alone. 

200 Zoloft; 10 mg Zyprexa; 4 mg valium as of May 2021;  Valium taper: July 16: 3.5 valium; July 30: 3 mg (paused valium taper); Aug. 23: 2.5 mg
Zyprexa: July 26: 8.75 mg; Aug. 9: 7.5 mg; Aug. 30: 7.1 mg

-------
Dec 1, 2016. 10 mg zyprexa for 1.5 month. Started taper mid-Jan. 2017. Cut 1.25 mg every 2 weeks; smaller cuts 2.5 mg down. Stopped at .6 mg. May 7, 2017: zyprexa free. 
Zoloft: Dec1, 2016, 200 mg. Started taper: Jun12, 2017: 197.5 mg; Jun19,:195 mg; July 2:185mg; July 9,:180 mg; July16,: 175; July 23: 170; July 30: 165; Aug6: 160; Aug13: 155; Aug. 20: 150; Aug.27: 146 mg; Sept3: 145 mg; Sept10:143 mg; Sept17:140 mg....Nov5: 122 mg...Dec3:112.5 mg; Jan14, 2018: 95 mg...Jan28: 90 mg; Feb21:80 mg; Mar11: 75 mg; May2:70 mg; May15: 68 mg; May28: 65 mg; Jun9: 62 mg;Jun25: 60 mg:July22: 55 mg; Aug25: 45 mg. Aug28: 50 mg...Oct 28: 38 mg; Dec.4: 30 mg; Jan8,2019: 25mg; Feb6: 23.5 mg; Apr1:17.5mg; May1:1 mg; May 5: 18;  May 18:15mg; June 16:12.5mg; Sept 10:11 mg; Sept.16:10 mg; Oct. 1: 9mg; Nov. 27: 8mg; Dec.5: 7mg; Jan.1,2020, 6 mg; Feb1: 5 mg; May 1: 2.5 mg; Jn 1: 2 mg; Jy 1: 1.5 mg

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Hi All

Update again.

Madeleine - thanks for your comments.

I can tell that my loneliness is a symptom of a wave currently - it's maybe an amplified negative fear or something else deep down - which I'll work on later - you can't do it while you're suffering in a wave though - it doesn't work!

With a lot of these things it's not the thought thats important, it's how you react to it... often a deep held belief is whats causing your suffering.

Realistically in my situation - LOGICALLY I'm not alone at all... and I have for my entire life actually ENJOYED LOTS of ME time - natrually introverted by nature (only just), and enjoy reading, playing games, watching tv shows, movies, music, crafting games, playing guitar... lots of things to do on my own - often in my life it's a case of "Oh, I must see my friends!!!" And stop and socialize.

But lately - it's been a deep nagging tugging feeling of loneliness - i'm sure it's related to losing my parents in the last 5 years - and being an only child.

I'll work on this "fear" later.

 

For now, in the last 3-4 hours I seem to be coming out of the wave again.

I can't specifically pinpoint the time...

 

I just finished building my second kit DIY guitar - so happy with how it turned out - looks like it's worth $1000's!!!!!!!!!  (to me anyway)..

It sounds incredible (to me) - but the emotion wasn't coming through.

Had a quick jam with it last night, and felt a bit of emotion coming through - and it's slowly coming better as the day progresses (still early here).

I feel like I'm coming down with a cold, voice croaky, cough etc, but feel best I have in a week.

 

I really hope I'm not becoming a bipolar person - and that this is just waves and windows.

I certainly don't feel MANIC in my windows, but more enthused, and more like what I normally would be... I'm holding onto that.  Nobody will ever really know - it will be what it will be.

 

This wave didn't feel QUITE as bad as the last one - a few weeks ago - that was terrible - this was bad, but could cope a little better.... it wasn't QUITE as intense.. the first wave, I almost felt like I was losing it a bit.

 

Can anybody relate to my concern about feeling like they maybe bipolar OR just waves?

Does other peoples waves tend to cycle in around a week???

 

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

Link to comment
  • Mentor
11 hours ago, scottly9999 said:

Can anybody relate to my concern about feeling like they maybe bipolar OR just waves?

Does other peoples waves tend to cycle in around a week???

 

 

yes I can relate to what you are saying and I'm sure it's just waves. (although I've not been taking careful note of the length of my waves, since I"m still tapering down from 0.18mgs)

     I've also faced the loneliness and fear that you mention, and I think it's more likely a deep down recognition of our mortality, esp when both parents are gone. (mine both are, too) I have a bit more family than you do, but hardly any contact with them...and often times I feel utterly alone in the world. I have no partner and only one adult child who sends a brief email every other month or so. I am just now making friends, so I don't have any real long term friendships either, I've had very little social life for a long time. I was too heavily drugged to even notice that I was alone a lot, and most of the time, I preferred it that way.

 

I really think it's not so much our actual circumstances, it's more the fear of facing our mortality. it's not pleasant under any circumstances but I think the WD makes the feelings that much more acute. but it will pass, ok? it has come in waves for me, too and it always passes.

I think in order to more forward, there are some things we need to have a healthy amount of denial about. We all know that life ends eventually but to get from day to day, we have to push that far out of our consciousness. WD makes it harder to do that sometimes. That's my theory, at least.

11 hours ago, scottly9999 said:

With a lot of these things it's not the thought thats important, it's how you react to it... often a deep held belief is whats causing your suffering.

  yes I think this is so true! I am working on this now as well.... trying to uncover what my deeply held beliefs are, that are causing me unnecessary pain.

it's hard work but it's worth it, because once you shed those limiting beliefs, you feel so much freer, you know?

 

 

when the WD hits, remind yourself that it's going to end, and soon, there will be NO more waves. After this tough journey, you are strong enough to face whatever life brings your way. Shed whatever beliefs are causing you unnecessary pain and fear and you will be in  a better place than you ever dreamed was possible, I bet. :)

you are doing a lot of work, and it's going to pay off.

 

thank you  for having the courage to continue to share your story- the parallels with my own are very reassuring to me, that this is indeed, a part of recovery.

 

 

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Hi All.

 

Been a little while - I've had a little bit of respite from my intense waves.

not a huge amount, but it's been there.

I've been reading, and re-reading the pinned notes about symptoms, and also staying on the positive stories too.

The waves are different, and changing - subtly so.

Sometimes you think there isn't much difference to what I'm feeling, and how I should be if I was ok - and then others, it's REALLY clear I'm in a wave or something.

 

I think the entire process is just confusing as you lose your grounding.

 

It's also so interesting how we SUFFER so much - why can't the healing waves be POSITIVE emotions!?!?  More of an amusing thought that anything.

 

I also think I'm being overwhelmed with thoughts and feeling and emotions due to the passing of my Dad 5 years ago... I was in the middle of being on Lexapro at the time..

Although I felt it deeply, and was grief stricken for a while... I'm wondering if I didn't fully process his loss???

The significance of it being that he was the one REAL bit of family I had close to me - Mum was also distant.

The feeling of being alone and isolated seems to be a repeating and recurring rumination for me currently.

It sort of eases a bit here and there.

 

I'm reading The Happiness Trap a CBT book and it is sort of helping to able to observe thoughts and feelings and triggers - altough I'm not very good at it yet...

One chapter that is good so far is the one about the demons lurking beneath your boat, and how they only appear when you go closer to the shore, but that isn't comfortable, so you stay adrift at sea, and they don't come up to bother you - as much.

It's quite apt with withdrawal really.

 

It's also confusing as the thoughts and ruminating that you do - you do get caught up in the process and question if it's really you, or what?

 

ALyway - the intense sinking depression has eased off which is a relief... it wasn't all the time, but was bad for a while.

Now I've got a yukky BLAH type of depression - mixed in with some anxiety too.

Some days it can feel like I'm starting to lose it.

BUT invariably it passes, as it always does.

 

Getting back to the book I'm reading - it's all about showing those demons up for what they really are - just emotions!  They can't ACTUALLY hurt you.

But even thinking that in withdrawal doesn't FEEL like it helps much - as you can't seem to shake the emotion that is sitting with you...

 

I did have a very brief spell of feeling I was "home" and somewhat content.

But so many thoughts and painful memories rush into your mind so quickly.

 

It's slightly reassuring to read the symptoms, and I pretty much tick all the boxes really.

 

I've also felt a bit physically run down - really fatigued, and but just feel quite yucky... I rememeber YEARS ago I had adrenal issues - and it feels sort of like that again.

Really think I need to watch my diet a bit better.

 

ANYWAY - the main point of this post was did anybody find that they were forced to deal with issues in withdrawal that they encountered while on SSRI's that weren't a problem then?

 

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Update.

 

Mostly waves - they feel slightly different each time... slightly less anxiety - more clear depression.

 

The hardest part about it is knowing if this depression is really you, or just the chemicals in your brain sorting themselves out...

I've honestly never felt anything quite like this before...

I did have a spell when I was about 20-22 years old where I felt very unwell mentally... waves of anxiety and depression - sort of stayed with me for a while ...

I think it might have been genetics with my Mother's schizophrenia as it appears about that age...

 

I SORT of feel the same sort of way now... unsettled, unfocused emotionally... almost like a teenager again.

I don't know if the chemical imbalance in withdrawal is able to dig up your deepest fears and dread from your subconsious mind...?

It's almost as if you were so numbed out while on SSRI - that your subconsious was subdued the entire time, and you haven't processed things during that time.

It's just really unfortunate that I happened to lose both my parents in a 5 year period while struggling with the effects of being on Lexapro for too long.

When I lost Dad in 2012, I was devastated, and I did sort of feel like I went through the grieving process, after a few years, it become sort of ok again.

Losing Mum - while right at the end of my taper, and dealing with the worst of withdrawals was incredibly bad timing.

I'm not greiving her passing directly - as her health - esp mental had declined for many years, and it's more of what her passing means to me - which is the last of direct family for me.

THAT is what is really disturbing me and knowing if it's just amplified because of WD or just stuff I gotta deal with is so hard to understand.

It's on a bit of a feedback loop currently.

My emotional state feels like quicksand - no matter where I step it sort of leads to sinking down.

 

I'm in a small window currently - feel a sence of calm - and not ruminating.

I've started taking magnesium chelate again - and took 3 St John's Wort tablets too...

They SEEM to help.

 

I don't seem to have any physical symptoms anymore - no flu like symptoms, no tingling or pain in limbs.

I do have fatigue though - but thats all linked in emotionally.

 

I do feel "old", but again thats just the depression talking really.

 

I don't FEEL like I'm in withdrawal of anything, but just the emotions have a life of their own.

When I have a window currently, it's more an absense of the bad stuff for a while, not returning feelings of positive things.

 

I'ev had a GLIMMER of interest in some activities and hobbies for a bit.

I'm a bit of a home body - and have a few interests that a house-based... so does the wife.

 

I just had a week off work - and we decided to do a bunch of stuff, go places and do things.

It's school holidays here too - so took darling daughter and step-son (he is 19).

We visited an exhibit in the city - which was good, saw a mate and his family there too... but was flooded with HUGE anxiety and dread the ENTIRE TIME THERE - I was able to hide it quite well, but I wasn't able to feel pleasant emotions.

Played mini golf another day - again horrible anxiety...

went for a day trip down the penninsula and that was good, but looking back - again depression and anxiety ruled over most of it.

 

Also had a day trip to the snow - and depression was the ruler on that day - again, I hid it from everybody so that they would enjoy it, no point them seeing me suffer... I'm good at hiding it and faking it until I make it.

 

On the drive home - I kept having HORRIBLE thoughts of "what if I just drove the car off the road".... I can't believe I typed that.

I feel that the reality of that occuring is ZERO, but that crap is popping in there.

 

I felt empty and hollow on my return - had to pop out and get fish and chips - the street looked dark and cold and empty...

on return, I didn't feel the warm glow of coming home to my loving family.

 

The thing is I KNOW I've met my soul mate in my wife... and my daughter is lovely, and step-son is fantastic too, but just not FEELING it - and desparetely want that back.

 

I used to just love BEING at home surrounded by these people.

 

During the last week, I did have some small windows, easing of the depression, but not much and not long at all.

I seem to be in a window now - being back at work.

Again, I used to have my home as my sanctuary and fortress... thats how I felt BEFORE Lexapro.

 

It's just so confusing - will I get that back?

Who knows?

 

I think the analogy of emotional quicksand works for me - as no matter how you step or struggle you'll sink... not that it's a depressing thought!!!!

It's sort of comforting to me to know that it MUST be W/D, and over time, the ground will slowly harden and I can get up out of the quicksand... and on with my life properly.

Does that make sense to you?

 

I keep telling myself that this is all just withdrawal.

 

I've also become aware of what I'm feeling now was for YEARS the "something is wrong" feeling I had YEARS ago while on Lexapro - this was there in the background, building!!!

I'd often sit in and say to my wife "If I didn't know better, I'd say I was depressed, but I don't FEEL it... " that was 5+ years ago...

So the numbing effect of Lexapro was there, but only PARTIALLY.

I think the "poop out", or tolerance, or whatever it was, is what I'm experiencing right now - fully formed... was there... and was caused BY Lexapro this whole time.

 

I read and re-read the success stories, and it gives me hope that they struggled for around a year and got better from there.

I'm now about 3 months into 0mg Lexapro, so really still in acute W/D...  it's to be expected.

 

 

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

Link to comment

I can tell I'm in a window as the ruminating thoughts that would cause my mood to plummet don't seem to have the same impact...

It's not that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach or feeling of dread or impending doom... or as if you're facing your greatest fear...

and as it has less of an effect they're not as troubling, or as often - as you're not inundated with horrible thoughts, you can concentrate on some other stuff.

 

It's a weird journey for sure - lots of twists and turns.

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Can I ask advice please?  I don't get many people following me now... but to a ybkdy who is can they help please.?

 

I can't tell if I've got some serious issues too g on or what.. but ive developed a. Really vicious cycle of negative and fear thinking.

It really wasn't quite like this before..

But I keep triggering a fearful thought and can't break out of it.

Is the fear real or wd or both?

It's related to being afraid on being alone.

Lost my mum 3 mo the ago... it must be related to that..

Terrible timing on my journey

Also found out pretty much last family member in australia is very Ill. Mums brother. 

It's really causing me incredible amounts of depression fear and dread and anxiety... I feel a bit doomed to this.

 

I also keep thinking about how I don't see my friends as often.. bit it feels illogical... but oh so real..

 

Can anybody relate their experience of wd symptoms and what what real psychological stuff they needed to work on.. and can it help me now?

I'm trying mindfulness bjt it seems to overwhelming currently.

 

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

Link to comment
  • Mentor

oh Scottly9999,

I have been thru this several times in WD, it's very much a symptom of recovery.

 

even so, You can learn how to argue with those thoughts, talk back to them, challenge them, and in doing so, they will lose their power.


You *may* still feel the anxiety/fear, but you'll be able to eliminate the "second fear" that comes when your thoughts attach some "reasons" (fantasies)  for the fear/anxiety.  We want to believe that we have feelings for a reason, that we don't get scared for no reason at all. But in WD, this feeling is coming from the chemicals in our brains, trying to get back to their normal, pre drugged state.

 

The fear is being produced by our brain, it IS a WD symptom and a very common one, esp for ppl on lexapro.

 

It becomes worse when we attach it to something, to some thought about something that we may feel vulnerable about.

 

When this symptom gets bad for me, I will write notes and put them all over my house. The notes say things like "My thoughts can't hurt me"
"My thoughts are not reality, they are just passing ideas."  "i don't need to believe every thought that comes into my mind."

 

I try to see if there's something in my past that is contributing to the thoughts that are causing me the most distress- and I can often trace some back to my traumatic childhood.


Then I will add more notes to myself, such as "the past can't hurt me"
"the past is over, I am strong and safe now"
 


Clair Weekes book is good for helping with this.

 Today, I found a new website and book that is supposed to help with dealing with thoughts that cause suffering.
I've just started looking into it, but it seems promising:

http://thework.com/en/do-work

http://thework.com/sites/thework/downloads/little_book/English_LB.pdf

 

I ordered a second-hand copy of the book that kind of goes with this by the author Katie Byron

it's called "Loving what is; Four questions that can change your life"

 

You're going to get thru this.
Have you tried any of the relaxation/hypnosis videos?

they are really helping me.

 

this one is my favorite, but there's a bunch of them by the same person:

 

 
 

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
Link to comment

Thank you SO MUCH Happy2Heal

 

My waves are strange beasts... they morph and change, and feel SO REAL.

THere is something about them that seems fake, but they affect me deeply.

Currently getting a knot in my chest over it.

Like I'm now living a situation in my life where I can't cope....

See my uncle in hospital today - very ill, really kicked me in the guts.


It MUST be related to real fears and vulnerability - but it's amplified to an extent that is just crazy.

It feels so real, so hard and so empty.

 

My poor lovely wife is starting to get impatient with me.

 

I'm waiting for a nice window to shine down on me.

THey're in there - somewhere....

 

Thank you again SO MUCH for the info - i'll look into all of it.

 

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

Link to comment

Update.

Def in a pretty nasty wave.

It's taking ALL my strength to not burst into tears sitting at my desk today - and I cannot pinpoint any specific reason.

My brain isn't ruminating and obsessing today.

In fact the last 5-7 days has been almost different every 1.5 days... 

It's very odd.

It's also proof that it's just chemicals.

Over the weekend was pretty high anxiety and fear - and obsessing and just generally pretty **** and very very low... so empty.

Now I'm filled with sadness - like heartbreak.

I can't explain it in any meaningful way.

My eyes on the verge of tears.

 

I have an appointment next Tuesday with a psychologist, but I think I'm just too raw with chemical imbalance to really get much out of the session.

I saw somethwere here about how it's like asking a person who is already on fire to walk into the flames again.

 

I did have a nice little window yesterday morning for a few hours.

 

But I am most def in the midst of full-on withdrawal... I never knew it could be this bad.

 

I compare myself to before meds, and I *KNOW* I was nothing like this - sure I had a few niggles and things that might be good to look at - but NOT LIKE THIS - this is just carnage... and just incredible..

 

Although the emotions are all over the place - morphing and heaving... I can SORT of make out that they are just not real.

It's not really in a response to anything.

 

You feel like you're really sick - like mentally sick.

 

It's really tough to get through the day... and try and put on a brave face.

 

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

Link to comment
  • Mentor

you're going to get thru this, just hold on and remember when you were feeling better

 

you WILL feel better again.

your brain is probably just doing a bit more adjusting of the chemicals to get them back to where they need to be

 

often the hardest waves are followed by the most awesome calm and pleasantness.

 

I've been finding this to be true for me lately,  I hope that it is true for you as well

 

try to remember your non drug coping skills

you are going to be OK!!

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
Link to comment

Hi Happy2Heal..

Thank you SO MUCH for posting..

I"ve had waves before, and some of them were quite emotional - and I remember feel very fragile, and extremely sensitive, for quite a while..

but this one - like that, but so much worse... and stronger.

 

But I am reminding myself of those bad times - during my taper, and it DID pass, it DID go away..

And you are also right in that I often felt a bigger sense of a window after a nasty wave.

 

I've had a few glimpses... just passing and fleeting moments of respite, but this is really brutal.

 

It's right to the core of my being.

 

I've reached out to a few more friends, and they've let me know they're here for me, and consider me family.

 

It's just my current state of mind - LYING to me... it's NOT really me.

I CAN get through this - as long as it takes.

 

I'm NOT letting that Lexapro poison BEAT me.

 

THis really is hell - pure hell.

Burning in a pit of fire would be a holiday - compared to the nightmares that your mind throws at you in withdrawal.

 

I've got a Psychologist booked for next week, but i FEAR he will likely diagnose me as some label OTHER than purely withdrawal.

I did have a spell in my early 20's where I was partially like this - but after growing up - it went away.

I honestly haven't had anything EVEN REMOTELY like this before.

Which is again proof of the fact that it'll pass...

 

Please let it pass.

THank for listening!

 

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

Link to comment
  • Mentor

so glad you reached out to friends who can be there for you

 

I guess distracting yourself as much as you are able to, could be a good way to tackle this

Maybe ask your friends to try to help with this

 

I've been joining classes, playing cards and cribbage, going with friends on short trips or walks or to swim at our local pool, anything I can come up with to keep busy and keep my mind off any symptoms (which are mild for now)

it does help. You may still feel crappy but you're not totally focused on feeling crappy, ya know?

 

 

oh yes, you are likely to get some strange label from anyone in the mental health system. they are pretty clueless.

 

 

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
Link to comment

Hi Happy2Heal.

 

I was tracking fairly well during most of my 2.5 year taper... I had a few dips and spells, and mostly anhedonia and what not - mostly was ok.

This crash out - wowzers!

But it feels somewhat inevitable... not in a OH I'M DOOMED way, but in a way thats necessary for the reboot or re-growth and healing kind of way.

 

I'm being as pragmatic as I can about it all.

 

It's almost like I'm having smaller waves in the wave.  The slightest of windows... but really not much.

 

I did have something sort of similar either 1 or 2 years ago - like most that recover, it's a blur... and it did get better.

 

My nerves just feel really on edge.  I wouldn't say I'm getting a specific cortisol spikes or anything, just a very strong sense of unease and somewhat desperate.

the feelings themselves cannot hurt me.

 

I just did a good bit of reading (while at work!! shhh) and read a bit of The Happiness Trap - and the pages I opened to were perfect.

gave a specific example of acceptance.

breathing in deep and slow, scanning your body for sensations (relating to any emotions) and looking at them, inveestigating them, not to get rid of them, but to observe them, dismiss thoughts from your mind, and ACCEPT the emotions - not LIKE them, not WANT them, but ACCEPT them..

draw a mental outline around them, breathe into them, and around them...

don't struggle with them...

It DID help.

 

This emotional withdrwaal is very very very hard - right on the edge of overwhelming.

 

It is a gift in a perverse way - I'm FORCED into dealing with this, accepting it... and the transformation that I can get during and after.

 

I WILL get better.

 

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

Link to comment

I feel that I'm slowly stuttering out of my current wave...

The intense anxiety seems to be releasing it's grip - slowly... as of the last few hours.

The depression has lightened a tad... I'm stil not happy or content, but feeling less depressed and less anxious.

It's a sort of a blah / meh feeling more than anything..

BUT it's a relief currently, hope it lasts a little while!!!

 

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

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From my last post 2 days ago - I still was wobbly in a wave... it's almost as if I've had waves within waves.

it's much more choppy, harder to see the pattern, and stuttery.

 

You really do get exposed to your deepest fears and anxieties and sadness during this process.

I really think it's related to your subconscious being subdued during taking the drugs.

It wakes up and creates total havok.

 

I always see pictures of hell, as souls burning in pits of fire...

but what HELL REALLY IS - is this withdrawal process...

Nobody understands it, you're in the world, but you're not - nobody believes you...

and you literally want it to end, and to die - and you have no fight left in you... but somehow you see through the day.

And that is a success - although you don't FEEL that success, it IS one anyway.

 

The Lexapro really eroded that solid place inside me where I knew who I was... it slowly became wishy washy - just when I needed it the most.

Losing both parents 5 years apart... I needed to be strong in myself - where I was in life.

 

It seems that I've been hit with waves of grief, a midlife crisis and withdrawal all at the same time.

 

HOWEVER, i saying that - I feel that I'm in a proper window now - the feelings have subsided, the anxiety has left me in peace for a bit... the tension in my body feels released..

There is a lingering sadness there - withdrawal?  processing grief?

Unsure..

 

But I'll take this for now...  a window.

I used to think that a window was a preview of who I would be after healing - but really it's just a reduction in WD symptoms...

The best is yet to come!!!

It's a chance to grow, to challenge my beliefs, to face my fears... and become a stronger person - and a happier person...  from the fire....!

 

Hope everybody is getting a nice window too!

 

2008 (approx) Lexapro 10mg.  2009 attempted cold turkey 5mg for 2 weeks - crash and burn.  2009 back on 10mg.

2012 - pooped out - but didn't know.   2014 - poop-out got worse.  2014 sept 20mg, 2014 oct 15mg, 2014 nov 10mg

2014 dec 7.5mg,  2014 dec 23rd crashed.  Dec 24th 10mg - trying to stabilize

2015 Jan Stabilized as much as thought I would, 2015 Jan 9mg, 2015 Late Feb, 8mg, 2015 late Mar 7mg.  22nd May 6.3mg

2015 small "slide" down to 6mg.  19th June 5mg. 15th Aug 4.5mg - slid down to 4mg.  Sept 20th 3.8mg.

2015 gradual decrease between Oct and Nov 10th to 3mg:  Dec between 3-2mg.  2016 Jan15th 2mg  Feb: 1.8mg, somewhere got to 1.6mg.

2016 Feb 25th crashed!  Not sure if sick or WD, back to 2mg.

2016 During March - gradual decrease to 1.8mg, then 1.5mg.  April 19th 1mg

2016 June 8th 0.8mg   July 1st 0.6mg:  Sept 0.4mg (long hold)

2017 Jan 0.2mg

2017 May 0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YAY

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