☼ Martina23: Lyrica

[Bruin]

Have a fabulous time Martina !

[Martina23]

Hi everyone,

 

I wanted to write some update as I have not been present on the forum for some time.

 

My symptoms are still not that better (I am 17 months drug free). I see some little improvement in my imagination - before falling asleep I try to use my imagination and imagine nice things and this time I manage already to hold the story until the end, sure I get stupid images or thoughts in the middle, or racing thoughts but before I was not able to follow the whole story and now it slowly starts to turn. The other things like the intrusive thoughts are still here - not so often but sometimes especially before the menstruation they are still quite "feelable".

 

During the time I was not in forum, I tried to find ways how to sue Pfizer. I tried so much but still I have not come to any measuring outcome. I put complaint to the competent state organization in Austria against doctors, it is already 5 months and nothing really happened. I tried to find a layer in New York - as the Pfizer has its headquarters there, I dont seem to find a lawyer. And in Austria I contacted some of litigation funding companies, they meant we should wait what the state organization says and then when all the expert statements are available, they will check it if they fund me by the trial. I wrote two letters to Pfizer :-) that I would like to negotiate with them first without trial - one in Austria and one in NY - till now it did not bring anything.

 

I think I have good arguments but honestly in Austria I will be afraid to go to trial without any legal funding company as the trials here are catastrophic, they take sometimes 20 years and they are very unefficient. I think we also dont have here such experts like in US. But I am trying because I dont want to live in a society where you are harmed and you dont get a fair possibility to sue.

 

So that is with me. I am currently not so sucessful but I think it has something with the society how the trials function here not with me.

 

I hope that the others are already healed or almost healed and that only me is such a solitary person which has not healed by now.

 

I wish everyone beautiful Christmas and  a Happy New Year!

[Martina23]

Hi all,

 

I am happy I have heard of you and checked the progress of all my friends here and now I will again turn to the real life because there is so much to do for me and in some way it makes me also happy to be active in the life, I dont know, maybe it is for me also a kind of distraction.

 

I have only 4 months to find a lawyer in the New York if I would like to sue there. I still dont know if it is at all possible, I just dont want to give up. It hurts me that the trials and lawyers in Austria are so bad, because I fear if I can not sue and get justice, I will lose my trust to the society here, and how can I do anything for the society here if I dont believe in it anymore. I dont know.

 

I made already my website for paintings and after a new year I want to start also my book about my withdrawal and these things. I think that currently I dont suffer anymore that much so I can look at it all indepependently and it does not make me feel uneasy anymore to remember all the bad times.

 

I know that it is not much but this feeling that there is a lot to do makes me happy and satisfied. I know it does not have to be sucessful but the life is not only about general success, I dont even know what is general success as everybody sees the things differently, I like originality and diversity among the people and that you can always choose from a lot of things. This is also what I strive for.

 

I will surely write if anything changes with my symptoms or if I get healed :-) I dont think it will come in the near future.

 

Bye

 

Your Martina

[Flowers]

Good luck Martina - it was good to read your updates.

 

It is nice to see that you are able to get on with the things in life that you enjoy. At least you are trying with your court case - you can't do anymore than that.

 

Best wishes for 2017.

 

 

xxxxxxFlowers

[Martina23]

So- another update.

 

I still experience intrusive thoughts and my imagination still seems to be "hit" by the drugs. Sometimes I wonder if i really recover. It is like 50% of me wants to believe that I will recover and 50% thinks that it is impossible. That it would have already happened.

 

What is for me difficult are these waves. One day I have a feeling - that improvement really did happen and another day I feel the same as if all improvement went away. You accept it the first six months but it is already 18 months and I think there should be already some measurable improvement. At least I think so.

 

I admire that Surviving antidepressants has such a wonderful website. Last two months I tried to make my own website (the first in my life :-)), I had only one old programme front page, and I was so sweating in order to do a website. When I enrolled it to google for indexing, all these managers there (by webmaster) started to goggle and told me that "my website must be surely from the antique", because no website nowadays is made with frames. I felt so disappointed. Sure, my website looks sh*tty (more precisely my mobile version) but it was my first website in my life and I thought they actually should praise me and not put me down. That is new by me.

 

To sue pharma - I also dont have any measurable sucess so far. What I wrote Pfizer these two letters, they dont seem to be scared of me :-) So actually sh*tty. And to it still these horror imaginations every night - the life cant be better -. But I am still full of optimism. We never know what great is maybe just around the corner - I would sure need it.

 

[Jayjohnny]

I'm not surprised in the least by some of the things you wrote! These drug poisons can without a doubt induce antisocial and even psychopathic tendencies in almost anyone who rarely or never had them to begin with!!

[Jayjohnny]

But persistent thoughts of harming others and ones self is something that should be addressed with a professional I'm afraid....

[Jayjohnny]

Not simply on a message board????

[Martina23]

Hi Jayjohnny, thoughts of harming others is simply OCD - does not need any professional. The drugs in this case would be even harmful. Harm OCD has nothing with really harming anyone, it is just a form of OCD. It is an anxiety disorder and at the most you can do ERP, but intrusive thoughts are a very common withdrawal symptom and goes away after the recovery takes place. Many people after going off benzos and Lyrica have intrusive thoughts.

[Jayjohnny]

I see. Never heard of harm OCD before this is new to me.

[Martina23]

I would so much like to get again more active on SA and write more  posts, but on the other hand I realize that when I write about intrusive thoughts (it is my only one symptom) some people always see it as something not normal, weird, improper or "psychopathic and antisocial behavior". And then, even if I consider myself to maybe 50% healed, I start to give it more credit and worry and then the intrusive thoughts naturally again start to grow.

 

I dont want to feel as anything "psychopathic", why should I, I mean I am victim who tries to break the vicious circle and has to accept the temporary sympoms how they come in order to get free. I know that these people dont mean it bad but such things throw me then always in thinking about my illness and I dont think it is right to give it so much attention.

 

On other hand I find it necessary to talk about intrusive thoughts when I got them. If noone talks about their symptoms, the people never can find out that there is something wrong with the drugs and there will be no progress. So I will continue talking about them even if I am running a risk to be taken as weird or not normal, because if anyone other gets these as a symptom he will feel better for knowing that he is not alone and a lot of people were stigmatized for having these before.

 

I will take again break to get some fresh air and distraction in the real life.

 

I am now painting a new picture. I wanted to place it here, but the amount of kb allowed makes it almost not to see. I love winter, I was born in winter and i find it the most wonderful season for painting. There is so much serenity there, painting it gives me so much satisfaction, and I am thankful to these neglecting doctors to give me these drugs because the discontinuation gave me possibility to rearrange my life and find out who I am and thank you for the painting that I found out that I love it.

[Martina23]

I have some good news, I found an litigation funding company which takes me seriously. The first one where I see that the seem to be quite efficient and hard working. It is suprisingly in Austria not in US. The man told me he thinks suing doctors is better than suing Pfizer. Also named me state agency where I should send my case for making evaluation and getting expert statements for free. He said if it is done I should send a copy to him and then they decide if they will overtake the costs of trial. The state agency which will make evaluation will also apply for prolonging the deadline for 18 months if necessary. The litigation company however says they can finance the trial only if I sue for more than 1 million because they are for the bigger companies here mostly for companies operating in capital market with stocks. But it is already a better sign like on the beginning when I had no information and possibility. So this I will let its run and for Pfizer I will write this book. So some things are already starting to function!

[direstraits]

good luck ,Martina....hope it goes well for you.

[Martina23]

I pity this Donald Trump so much. I know it is not about antidepressants, but I find him really nice. Today again so many people made him bad in the newspapers and I think his inauguration speech was great. It is actually the first american president which I like and some people are so stupid always to make him bad.

[Martina23]

I again reported Lyrica as harmfull by EMA. But in a way, I start already to feel frustrated. I have a feeling that noone listens to me. I feel shouting on the authorities that that medicament is harmfull and has to be taken off the market, and always noone feels responsible and it really surprised me that I told the ministry of health that the clinical studies of pharma companies are not verified by EMA and that they did not even want to discuss about it. It was ok for them. Immediately they said these medicaments are not harmful and were absolutely not prepared to discuss any other option. They would be ok even if they would sell metanol instead of alcohol in hospitals, the main thing that it brings enough money. But against smoking they are strong enough. Apparently tobacco industry does not have such a strong lobby anymore. Pharma industry unfortunately yes.

[Flowers]

You have tried Martina - that is all you can do.

 

Well done for that.

[Martina23]

Please if someone is sensitive dont read it. Yesterday I had again big problems with imagination by falling asleep. It came to my mind one bar where I used to go with father of my children and at how I imagined it, its walls started to have sharp edges and started to come near to me, they came so near to my neck that they wanted that I suffocate. I realized that actually I dont make any progress, I was only trying to hope I do some progress and thus actually lied to me. After the yesterday image I was again having suicidal thoughts. I will not make suicide but like this the life has no point for me. I think for me the damage is permanent

[Hopefull]

Hi Martina,

You don't know for sure if the damage is permanent.

I know that you are still struggling with the intrusive thoughts, but you will heal from this and get better.

Your brain is still healing.

You are doing your best.

Don't loose hope. Take care, Hopefull.

[Martina23]

Thank you Hopefull. It is nice of you to give me hope. I dont know what I can believe actually.

[Flowers]

Hi Martina

 

These things can come out of nowhere and floor us. You will get over this like you have before.

 

Keep strong.

 

Flowers xxx

[Martina23]

I wrote today an Austrian general attorney who has competence to verify the work of health ministerium which refused my complaint that the psychiatric medicaments cause the psychiatric illnesses instead of treating them.

 

I dont await breakthrough but as a one possibility which was open I wanted to use it so I placed complaint there.

[Martina23]

My mother wanted to reconcile with me and called me and again made me unsure. But it is that I am stupid because when she called I told her that it makes me unhappy to see that the authorities dont take me seriously if I complain about Lyrica making me harm. My mother always everything what I say turns against me. This time she said she saw that for a long time I stagnate and so on. I dont stagnate, it is just that I changed because of this harm with the Lyrica and I can not be the same as I was, now I am completely other person with other priorities.

 

I really dont understand why I have such mother, I would like a supporting one. She made me already today again so confused with her thinking (she always has such disapproving, mentoring voice no matter what I do), that  I dont know really who I am.

 

I think I will stop talking with her at all. She is such an "emotional vampire".

[Flowers]

Hi Martina

 

This is a tough one - she is your mother but obviously doesn't understand what you have been through and the person you have become.

 

I would just steer clear of any discussions with her if you can until she can respect the reasons why you are as you are. This has had a negative effect on you and you really don't need anymore aggravation!

 

xxxxx Flowers

[Hopefull]

Hi Martina,

 

Unfortunately it is hard for the loved ones to understand what we are going through.

It is hard to explain. You can still have a relationship with her.

Just don't talk about WDS with her because some people just don't get it.

Good luck with the legal pursuit.

I hope something comes out of it for you.

Take care, Hopefull.

[Martina23]

I was writing a post and in the middle it disappeared. I hate that.

 

I am having a bit depression. My children are at my mothers house and I have too much time to think about my problems with the head and that is not good. I must say that nowadays my head is even worse. The problem is that 1,5 year free I already lose hope that the intrusive thoughts will ever disappear. And each time when they come I feel even more hopeless.  I would so much like to believe that once I will be healthy but  dont believe that I will ever be healthy. I went today swimming and there came that stupid thoughts like why I live if I am harmed forever and which sense it has all to continue living when my brain is not working. I will not do anything but this hopelessness from this unrelenting stream of stupid thoughts makes me sad. I would so much like if my children were already back. With them it is at least fun.

[Martina23]

Today I got an answer from EMA on my question where (at EMA) to report a harmfull medicament. The answer was:

 

"In order help with the safety monitoring, it is important that side effects are reported. If you have experienced any side effects with Lyrica, we would recommend that you discuss this with your doctor or directly report them to the national medicines regulatory authorities or marketing-authorisation holders through online patient reporting forms or by telephone. A list of contact details for national regulators is available on our website at: .....

 

I went so angry. They issue a market authorisation for Lyrica and they are not interested to hear about that it is harmful. They say you have to report it to your doctor? Are we normal here?  The clinical studies they also have not checked and noone is really interested. If we die here all, it is no problem for them. Then they will do the litigation manual. I really dont know what to say about this. This is totally unbelievable.

 

And the bigger problem is that it is already 1,5 year and I dont seem to have any improvement. On the contrary, if anything chemical comes my way, I have really big problems with the whole brain chemistry. I really dont know what to do.

[Hopefull]

Unfortunately there is no justice for this type of harm.

Doctors are protected by law.

That is the way it goes.

Wishing you all the best.

[Martina23]

I had yesterday such a bad evening. When trying to fall asleep, I wanted again to start about dreaming something. Again totally not possible. I saw again weird images, the whole time, until I started crying.  I am not the images, I see them after closing my eyes, even if I want to think about something nice, they jump in and dont let me rest. I dont know what I will do. This is already permanent, I dont believe this will ever recover. Yesterday while I was crying, I even thought about going to some country like Netherlands, where there is eutanasia possible. I am so afraid that it will go only more and I will end like schizophrenic. I would so much like to go away from here, I can not forgive these people to harm me forever, and the worse is that in Europe that you dont have even anyone to complain to or report that the medicament is harmfull. I dont know. I am afraid that I will not manage it. So sad!

[Madeleine]

Martina: You won't end up schizophrenic, not at this point at your age. It shows up much earlier.  I know a lot about this illness.  Don't talk about euthanasia, don't even think about it. You are still young. You will improve. Truly, you will.  I know your suffering is real.  But, keep in mind that your thoughts affect your emotions, and your emotions affect your physical well-being.. So, when you have a negative thought about your future, that creates more negative emotions, and physical sensations in your body/nervous system.   I know it's hard, but if you could try to focus on thinking positive, it will not get rid of all you are experiencing, it will help. 
 

(((Hugs)))
 

[Martina23]

Thank you Madeleine. It was so nice that you wrote me. I think maybe it is stronger by me now as my children are out of house for two weeks and I concentrate more on it when I am alone. I hope you are right. Yesterday it was already unbearable.

[Flowers]

Martina - so sorry you are having these horrible symptoms when you are trying to go to sleep. Night time is the worst to have any troubles.

 

It must feel different at home without the children as I expect they keep you busy.

 

Do you have a photo of them on your bedside table? When you get these thoughts/images would it help to look at your children and imagine things you will do with them when they are home?

I was just thinking they may give you some comfort and they need you so please don't think of euthanasia.

 

If you have good days focus on them if you can. Yes people have harmed us with these drugs but we are going to show them that we can survive and live normal lives.

 

I am sending you strength and love.

 

Flowers xxx

[Hopefull]

Martina,

 

Your symptoms will eventually go away.

It does take time. I used to have weird images pop into my head, before falling asleep, but it has gone.

Don't think about euthanasia, you need to think about your kids.

Wishing you all the best, Hopefull.

[Madeleine]

Martina: I just saw your paintings that you posted in the summwr. They are beautiful. You are very talented. Maybe you could use the extra time when kids are away to paint. And maybe treat yourself to womething nice-- do for pedicure or something like that

[Martina23]

I thank to all of you for wonderful messages.

 

It is so nice to have three new messages.

 

Flowers - I will immediately look at your thread for news. I hope you are already feeling better. You seemed to be also in a big wave nowadays.

 

Hopeful - I thank you for reassurance. It feels very good. I know a lot of people keep telling me that it will go away. It is only so hard to believe it as I am already 1,5 years out and it is the same. I feel crazy inside, at least sometimes. But I am very happy that it went away for you.

 

Madeleine - I am so happy that you liked my paintings. I love painting. But it is great to hear that I am talented, I dont feel so. I always want to do things better, but I always come to my limits. But currently I need it to do. Because it brings the thoughts away from my big problem with the brain. Madeleine, I will check also your thread, because you are still supporting me and I would like also to support you. How do you feel currently with your withdrawal? Is it bearable or do you have also some big problem like me currently? I like the name Madeleine. If I have some more daughter, maybe I will call her Madeleine. It is very nice name, it is a pity that I did not see it anywhere when I was giving a name to my daughter. I could not find any beautiful name at that time, so I called her Emily. I am satisfied with her name, it is a nice name, but Madeleine would be maybe nicer.

[Martina23]

I have today such a good day. I always looked for a way how to find a way to sue Pfizer in New York but never anyone wrote me. So I wrote directly to the court (to the e-documents filing department, there was no other emailadress online) and asked if some foreign person can sue also in New York based on the headquarters of Pfizer there and if there is a possibility that in case of losing I will not pay the costs of the other party.

 

And the woman did not write me directly but said that I should look into New York civil practice law and rules and that she recommends me to check the parts on venue and poor persons.

 

So at least the first step in the right direction! I will check it and hope I will find some way, I have still 2,5 months of deadline.

[Madeleine]

Martina:  I'm just wondering if this course of action is benefitting your health.  Legal actions are contentious and involve conflict and this creates negative energy.  You might want to consider using the energy you do have for more positive activities.  Just a thought....