julianfrancois: journey down the rabbit hole of psychotropic meds

[julianfrancois]

this may be long but its a complete overview of how psych drugs have destroyed my life(hopefully temporarily)

 

I was put on zoloft at 14 for depression and severe OCD. the effects were actually extremely therapeutic and healing. I havent had any compulsions since( 6 years ago). so I do not regret going on it looking back, but i had no idea i was going destined to go down the rabbit hole of psychotropic meds. zoloft made me develop a duodenal ulcer and berets esophagus which made me feel nauseas all the time, thankfully nexium seemed to fix it and I haven't had gastrointestinal problems since.

 

fast forward 3 years after i moved away to start my first year of college. amongst the workloads and new experiences i accidentally cold turkeyed my meds and decided to stay off. I slowly started to experience depression which seemed managable until i began to feel the anxiety creep back in. it got to the point where i was freaked out enough that my OCD would return that went to my psychiatrist, he thought the logical thing to do was to be put back on the zoloft but i was not keen on that idea because of my fear of furthering my gastro problems in starting the medication back up. I was also tired of feeling exhausted all the time, so he suggested an SSNRI and put me on wellbutrin. i only managed a couple weeks on it i believe as it aggrivated my anxiety, so he took me off and put me on effexor. the effexor worked pretty well for me as i increased my doses. i believe i was on 225 mg.

 

after my freshman year i moved back home because i had made changes to my degree path that the university i was attending couldn't fulfill. I again began taking my meds sporadically and feeling the effects of it, some brain zaps, slight change in though process, anxiety and pretty bad depression. i eventually cold turkeyed the effexor(idiotic) and felt the depression worsen by the weeks. thankfully i was at home where i could be as upset and weird as i needed to be thanks to the worlds most understanding mother( dealt with two of her siblings' bipolar disorder). as i waited for my appointment with a new psychiatrist in my home town, things got to the point where i was ready to take any medication in order to feel better, so i went into my sessions with my new psychiatrist with a completely open yet naive perspective about meds, considering it was the effexor that that screwed me up.

 

he immediately pointed out the other doctors mistake in changing drug classes too quickly. so he decided i should stick with the ssri's. I was hesitant because i thought i was so messed up i was beyond that. boy was i wrong. he put me on lexapro and said it was one of the more heavy duty ssri's. i began taking the medication and felt a slow leveling of my mood as i worked up to 20mg( 3 years ago). however, i was not satisfied with my progress after about a month, so he decided that adding abilify would help things. after taking one abilify pill i would never underestimate the power of psych meds again. I took the abilify at night and went to bed but the abilify would not let me sleep a wink. everytime i would doze off i would jerk awake as if i had a nightmare. there was also a slight feeling of restlessness and anxiety. it was torture but thankfully only lasted that night as i never took a second pill. at this point i figured that the lexapro was enough and it was for about 2 years as my well being kept increasing and i felt completely in control of my emotions.

 

at the time i had bad cystic acne and wanted to go on accutane as a last resort. my psychiatrist approved despite my worries of the potential psychological effects, he thought the lexapro was a good enough safety net. so i went on a 7 month cycle of accutane and developed no psychological issues. however i did feel a dulling to my mental processing nothing too extreme but something i was aware of. I thought it was without a doubt the accutane because at the time i was sold on the effectiveness and benefits of psych meds.

 

4 months after stopping the accutane i decided to taper down to 10mg, and i did as my doctor instructed, but as we all know now, standard medical protocol for tapering off meds is pretty inaccurate. i started noticing diffuse pain in my body. i thought i was just working out too hard, as i exercised and lifted weights 6 days a week. but the pain progressed to a point where my workouts had to be compromised and my muscle movement became slightly rigid and my connective tissue was snapping and popping, so i eventually went to the doctor. i was referred to a rheumatologist who did a full work up and found no signs of inflammation. which was both relieving but also unsettling because the nonspecific diagnosis of fibromyalgia was not good enough for me. I was also told that i may or may not be developing an autoimmune disease which scared the **** out of me( ha if only i knew how much worse things were going to get). the popping and snapping made me believe i was developing rheumatoid arthritis. the fear drove me to an alternative and proactive approach to healing.

 

I began eating vegan, then paleo/anti inflammatory. the diet was difficult and made me lose a lot of muscle mass. but i kept on it until i was invited to a friends 21st birthday party in vegas. during that weekend i threw away all dietary restrictions all at once and payed for it. the very first night of heavy drinking exacerbated all of my symptoms and added a neurological flavor to it; i began to experience weakness and tremors.this occured eveyrtime i drank in the future. i didnt want to miss out so i powered through it. I managed to come back and continue my diet temporarily before i moved for school again.

 

fall of 2014, I moved to SF for school and was so excited about the possibilities awaiting me in the city. i was still on 10 mg of lexapro at the time and felt mentally sound accept for a and clear increase in brain fog which i thought was related to whatever mysterious illness was brewing in me. still, i never thought to attribute it to the lexapro because in my mind, there was no way an antidepressant could manifest such physical symptoms but I weaned off the 10 down to 5 over a couple weeks to be sure. my time in SF only lasted 2 months as the symptoms progressed and I fell more ill. I began experiencing reccuring fevers of 104 and missed a lot of class. the health center doctors there swore is was just a bad virus. but i wasnt getting better and I began to notice twitches in my muscles at rest. I missed so much class, i had to come back home and get my health back in line. the possibilities were extremely distressing.

 

i was reffered to an infectious disease specialist who believed i might have contracted HIV or Lyme disease. after some blood tests, he ruled out HIV but wanted to be absolutely sure it wasnt lyme or some other infection he might have missed. he decided a spinal tap would be the best way to confirm. it made complete sense that i would have lyme disease since my symptoms matched the criteria completely however the results were negative. the spinal tap procedure was pretty much painless, but the spinal headache and back pain drove me to pop Vicodin like dr. house. it would only subside when i was completely flat. this lasted a little over a week. the hole in my spine was leaking so much that i temporarily lost my hearing while visiting my brother in chico. i woke up and my right ear was not picking up anything and the headache had worsened. I informed my mother and we drove to the ER. after waiting 5 hours in the waiting room a nurse took us back to a hallway gurney.

 

I'll never forget this nurses name because of what she put me through. my options were an emergency blood patch, or fluids and pain medication. I went with the latter because i was done with needles going into my back. the nurse hooked me up to an iv and told me the drug cocktail she was going to give me was a non narcotic combination of muscle relaxers, anti inflammatories, and antiemetics. after all the vicodin i was done with narcotics so I agreed to the cocktails administration. even now as i write this I get an overwhelming feeling of regret. the cocktail contained, benadryl, toradol, and compazine. little did i know that compazine was first generation antipsychotic.

 

I immediately felt the effects. horrid akathisia radiating from my chest, agitation, terror, anxiety, increased twitching, and instantly put into a state of depersonalization where i became unable to think with any clarity. I felt as though i needed to run up and down the hospital hallways but i was too terrified to even speak to my mother and the benadryl was making my body weak and drowsy. the attending came back and asked how i was feeling, I wanted to get the hell out of there so i told them better. after i was discharged we drove back to my brother's place where i unsuccessfully tried to sleep off the meds. I woke the next day still feeling high as i called it at the time. after we came back home I had a panic attack over not being able to unwind to sleep. I just couldn't relax and sit still. so i took more benadryl which did nothing and i researched other people's experiences with compazine. this was both a mistake and a tool as i found out about my experiencing akathisia and depersonalization. i kept waiting for the drugs to wear off but weeks went by and there was not change. I went back to my psychiatrist and he said that the compazine would eventually work its way out of my system.

 

its been 2 months since the IV compazine and 3 months since i weaned off the lexapro and things have only gotten worse. i still felt mentally sound after i came of the lexapro despite the physical symptoms everything changed when i was given the compazine. everyday now is a struggle. I cannot be a functioning member of society in this state, my sleep has now become affected, it feels like im in an initial state of sleep and staring at my eyelids. im constantly uncomfortable and few things are helping me cope. this experience has taught me about the true harm of psychotropics. I wouldve never thought the lexapro was actually causing my lyme disease symptoms. my question is, has anyone experienced a recovery from compazine and or lexapro or acute drug induced akathisia and depersonalization??? since drugs got me here in the first place i plan to ride things out as long as i can on my own, are there any supplements worth taking to help ease or heal me? this really is what hell on earth feels like. if you read all of my story, thanks for your interest. 

[mammaP]

Hi Julian, welcome to SA. That is a major reaction to the drugs they gave you in the hospital! We have had others with extreme reactions 

who have been as ill as you are and it is heartbreaking to read your stories.  Your brain is a remarkable organ and is struggling to repair itself.

It will get there, and will heal but it will take time.  Your brain and nervous system need to stabilise and avoiding other drugs is a wise decision. 

 

We would normally suggest trying a reinstatement od the AD but after 3 months off and being in such a state after the reaction to Compazine

I am not sure it would be best for you. Time will heal and you will get better, take care of yourself the best you can. Eat good natural food,

pure water and take gentle exercise like walking in the countryside or the beach. Woodlands or forests are especially beneficial. 

Go to bed at the same time every night and get up at the same time every morning, the routine will help you to heal. Many people find that

magnesium and fish oil are very helpful in withdrawal, and you are in the same situation as both withdrawal and adverse reactions affect

the nervous system. Be kind to yourself, you have had a major injury, just as devastating as if you had fallen from a roof. If you had been 

injured in a fall you would have to take care of yourself in order to get better and this is the same. 

 

In time you will start to notice that you are a bit better, maybe you will sleep for a bit longer, the pain might be a bit less or just different, and it

will be a sign that it is getting better.  Take a look at the symptoms and self care topics, and see what has helped others.http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/forum/8-symptoms-and-self-care/

  In the meantime I am going to ask someone else to take a look and see if reinstating lexapro at a very tiny dose might help. 

[julianfrancois]

thanks for the reply, mammaP. I do exercise regularly to combat the akathisia and wear myself out. im also taking a magnesium calcium and C complex , fish oil, and vitamin b complex. im really trying to cope and I appreciate the positivity but damn its hard to try and focus on other things when the suffering is so inescapable. Im glad i found this site though. it's one of the few forums that actually focuses on positivity and possibility of recovery. have you recovered enough to a well manageable state?  

[Petunia]

Hi Julian,

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you have been through.  I know how awful akathisia is, I've had it on and off through my withdrawal.   It does get better over time.  For some reason, cutting out sugar seems to help some people.  Other things which can make it worse are B vitamins and possibly fish oil.  I can't tolerate either of these at the moment, they both amp up my symptoms.  Perhaps you could try cutting these out temporarily, one at a time to see if it helps.

 

I don't know if you've seen the Akathisia Blog but its a good source of information about how to manage this temporary condition.

 

It will go away in time, its just a matter of getting through each day and taking care of yourself the best you can.

 

Petu.

[julianfrancois]

today I managed to go from the absolute bottom to the top. I woke up at 4 am with intense anxiety, terror, and violent intrusive thoughts. I was scared of hurting others. I knew i wasnt about to act on those thoughts but the fact alone that it was on my mind was terrifying. I was terrified of harming my cat whom I cuddle with every night. I was able to go back to sleep by meditating a bit but awoke later still feeling anxious. sometimes it seriously feels like the next step is psychosis which only makes me even more scared. I ended up canceling plans to see an out of town friend i havent seen in a really long time because i wanted to be isolated. I later managed to go out to lunch with another friend of mine who was able to distract me for a bit. in the early evening i went on a run and met my other friend to hangout a bit and for some reason i felt almost completely normal. as we walked around a shop i took clear notice at how much i had improved from the morning. I still had the normal aches and pains and a little bit of DP but felt quite normal psychologically. it just seems like there is really no way of tracking progress at times like this. i hope it lasts. 

[mammaP]

Lots of us find that we feel better as the day progresses. I have been suicidal on waking at times. Not wanting

to face another day, or another minute. It can be very hard to see anything positive when you feel like inside is

a raging tsunami, without let up and no way of controlling it. But as the day goes on something just seems to

happen that makes those symptoms lessen.  By evening I would feel better and at 2am I was quite normal! 

Read about cortisol here, that seems to be a big culprit. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2144-i-hate-cortisol-mornings/

 

It will ease up and get better, keep a journal that you can look back on and track progress. I found some old 

journals when I moved last year and it really made me realise how far I've come. It is not easy to see improvement

when you feel rotten every day but looking back shows in black and white that things actually are better. 

Your intro thread is your journal too, and you can track your progress here.  It isn't quite the same as writing though, 

writing down thoughts and feelings seems more therapeutic somehow, or maybe that's just me because I'm a terrible

typist! 

[julianfrancois]

today I went to the neurologist to get the results of my brain MRI and EMG. both clean. except the EMG showed some nerve pinching at the elbows and i guess some peripheral neuropathy in the left leg at the calf because of some disc degeneration. both injuries related to working out according to my neurologist. she requested these tests because she thought i had ALS. you can only imagine how intense my terror was waiting for the results. but she said despite my twitching, generalized weakness, and muscle quivering I had no signs of neuromuscular degeneration.  I asked if the lexapro could have been the culprit having been on it for years and researching withdrawals and lexapro specific side effects. she said highly unlikely, like every other doctor. she assumed that all of my symptoms were a product of anxiety. when i told her about the compazine, she said that it was likely that i had negative reaction to it and that its extremely common to get a reaction to that drug( things i already knew). I asked if my recovery from it was possible and she gave me a very unconvincing yes. it was as if I told her to tell me yes and she did not want to. she of course said time was on my side but kinda implied that the damage was done. it was supposed to be a happy moment of relief that i wasn't dying but i felt very discouraged. the idea of being trapped in this mental and physically compromised state for the next 50 years is terrifying. Im thankful for my life and "relatively good health" as she put it, but quality of life is equally important. I just want to be who i once was before all the crazy meds went into my body. anyone working on a time machine?

[WinningThrough]

Hi juilianf

 

I just read through this. I'm so sorry of everything you've been through. Petunia directed you to the akathisia blog. The lady who wrote it also got it from compazime. That drug is reknowned for it. She recovered. She is a lovely lady. She has been in contact with akathisia sufferers everyday for years and she said everyone gets through it and heals.

 

You will heal too. You're already getting windows. You're doing well.

[Martina23]

I have also this - anxiety, terror and intrusive thoughts, you are right, even this feeling to think about this is terrifying, I would sometimes really liked to be alone somewhere where there are no people at all, then it would not be necessary to deal with these thougts, just please do not feel guilty as this is not your fault

[julianfrancois]

thanks for the info, winning through. I'll check it out. my akathisia seems to come and go. a couple weeks ago i got a wave of strong fatigue and the akathisia was almost gone. it came back after few days though. im glad i learned about the recovery coming in windows and waves otherwise i wouldve been really confused as to what my body is doing. for example, my first symptoms were diffuse pain both muscle and nerve and clicking and popping in the tendons. i hadnt experienced it in a while so i thought it was a thing of the past. just recently the pain has returned. its always a manageable level thankfully, just kinda feels like bouts of random pain and popping. not sure if anyone else has experienced that but i dont see why it would be off the table as far as being a withdrawal symptom. never happened before the lexapro.  

[julianfrancois]

thanks for the commiseration, Martina. you're right. They aren't representative of how i feel but they are scary nonetheless. still trying to figure out how to deal with those but thankfully they've been absent for a while. the fear of them seems to make them lasting i've found, so im trying to figure out how i can just let them go. 

[Altostrata]

Hello, julian.

 

When do you take the B vitamins? Have you found they make you feel better?

[Martina23]

I had some some of these violent intrusive thoughts today in the morning. I cant handle them also. The first thought after was I commit a suicide. I dont want to live like this anymore. Later that day my children were so beautiful, were dancing on Madonna (they are 2 years old), destroyed my lipstick from Lancome and I decided to continue living, as the life has also some beauties. At least for coming days...

[julianfrancois]

Alto, I was taking nutricalm, a B vitamin complex by natures sunshine. I stopped though because it just made my pee neon yellow and i didnt notice a difference. however, every morning I take liquid fish oil, magnesium/calcium/C supplement,  vitamin D, and glucosamine/msm if i feel achy. I also try to cook with coconut oil. i havent noticed any difference from any of the supplements  but i do it because i know it's good for my body. and when the akathisia is bad at night i'll take 20 mg of melatonin. 

[julianfrancois]

so I had been taking a break from the gym because my muscles felt so shaky and weak but today i made myself go. my performance was definitely frustrating. it feels as if the muscles arent harnessing any energy and that the nerve conductions are going haywire. I just really hope my nervous system can recover without any longterm damage. one plus ive noticed was that today i was having some weird mood swings( i know it doesnt sound like a plus ) there were a few times i felt like bursting into tears. i was happy when i felt the natural swell of sadness and crying approaching because when i was medicated it took a lot to make me cry( like really tragic and traumatic events and sometimes i didnt get the cathartic release of tears i would just feel the pain inside unable to release). it evened me out so much that i would think about tragic events and believe i had confidence in my ability to handle them with ease. of course at the time it didnt scare me because i was medicated but it's a disturbing notion that i only realized by coming off of meds. its like sociopathic.  it's like you dont even realize how much of a zombie you are... ugh its so gross. 

[Altostrata]

20mg melatonin is a lot of melatonin!

 

You might want to try magnesium glycinate at night

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1300-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/
 

[julianfrancois]

ive found that anxiety is a very fluid feeling that can exist as intense fear as well as other perceptual changes especially depersonalization. for example i used to think that my anxiety was absent when i wasnt absolutely terrified, i dont believe this to be true anymore because i get the same discomfort in moments when i experience intense overstimulation not just bad things but good too. Ill be on social media and I'll see various fresh stimuli on things that interest me and then i'll see interesting updates with close friends and all of it together tends to overthrow my senses and cognition to a point where im not so much scared but i feel like overwhelmed and at the same time deprived of natural response and experience. these are things that bring me joy and i feel like i cannot fully enjoy them anymore because its too much for my now feeble mind. its like being left out and it sucks and makes me feel very depressed. it makes me want to shake my head till i get more alert and join reality again. I 100% believe it has to do with my depersonalization  but i also believe that DP has to do with working memory and my anxiety because i literally cannot remember anything anymore. I just hope its temporary because its holding me back from doing really fun things out of fear that it will be too much for me to handle and send me into a depressed and anxious state. my mom and i went to santa monica beach and 3rd street the other day and I usually love going. while it was somewhat pleasant, i couldnt shake the feeling im describing and the experience left me feeling very depressed. its almost like seeing a travel destination on TV and yearning to go saying "oh i wish i could be there so bad" but the only reality of it is what the tv is giving you. its been about 3 months of being in this state with small waves of subtle improvement. i want it so bad to pass

[clearday]

 

I was put on zoloft at 14 for depression and severe OCD. the effects were actually extremely therapeutic and healing. 

 

Hi julianfrancois,

 

So glad to hear that you are off SSRIs. Lexapro did lift my dysthymia (low-grade depression) right away when I took it, and improved the quality of my life. But if I was informed about what the side effects and withdrawal would be like, I would have never taken this medication. These medications help many people, but often it is a Devil's Bargain; the side effects can be significant, and withdrawal is often brutal and long. 

 

Years ago, I went through Prozac WD. The protracted withdrawal symptoms lasted for over four years. But as of today, I have none of those disabling WD symptoms associated with Prozac use. Years later, I was put on Lexapro. I quit Lexapro one year ago, and I am just dealing with protracted Lexapro WD at this time. I am not so worried about permanent damage from Lexapro, because I know that all those very bad symptoms of Prozac WD, which lasted so long for me, are long gone. So I figure these Lexapro WD symptoms will  eventually go away too. My experience has shown me, it just takes time. I hope it is the same for you. 

 

You may wonder why I went on Lexapro after my ordeal with Prozac. The answer is, that all those years of protracted Prozac WD, I had no idea it was WD from the drug, since the WD symptoms hit me hard out of nowhere, 4 months after stopping Prozac, but lasted for years and years. The doctors would not own up to blaming Prozac for the WD, so I was left in the dark for many years, thinking I had some terrible permanent illness. 

 

It is highly unlikely that I will ever pop a SSRI pill into my mouth again. And for that, I am grateful !

[julianfrancois]

clearday, wait so did you recover from the prozac before you went on lexapro or did you take the lexapro before you recovered? what were your symptoms? and what are your lexapro wd symptoms?

[clearday]

clearday, wait so did you recover from the prozac before you went on lexapro or did you take the lexapro before you recovered? what were your symptoms? and what are your lexapro wd symptoms?

 

I had largely recovered from the Prozac WD symptoms before I went on Lexapro. 

 

My Prozac WD symptoms were very different from my Lexapro WD symptoms.

 

Prozac WD: cold turkey followed by four months of being Ok.

 

Then WHAM hit with sudden crash of nervous system due to stress out of nowhere (classic delayed onset catastrophic WD). 

 

Followed by two months severe mental fatigue, sweating, brain fog, anhedonia, apathy, depression, sensitivity to light, dry eyes, poor ability to handle stress, zero ability to multi-task.....

 

Then those symptoms lifted somewhat, but strongly persisted for a few years, to varying degrees....

 

Lexapro WD: cold turkey followed by two months brain storms, brain zaps, mental fatigue, reduced ability to handle stress;

 

Followed by a five month window of normalcy;

 

Then WHAM hit out of nowhere with bizarre insomnia wave with strange brain sensations and heart racing, palpitations;

 

That lasted 3 months, slowly got better, and I came out of it with my sleep patterns restored to pre-Lexapro levels (much better REM sleep now, great!)

 

Followed by one month great window, felt better than I did in ten years (last November was great!);

 

Followed by two months of persistent ear ringing and head pressure, and that brings me to today. 

 

But that's just me, everyone's WD is unique.........some common patterns of course......

[julianfrancois]

Today was miserable. I thought for a while i had some decent control over things... nope. im hypersensitive to stress now and it was my first day at a job that my friend got me. i started at jamba juice. i was fine at first but the entire shift(4 hours) i was reading these training cards that explain all the duties and equipment and ingredients an mission statements... i was quizzed on what i read and i failed miserably... I could not for the life of me remember anything i read. i knew my working memory was bad but this was a scary realization of how bad it actually is. the manager even seemed concerned... i never explained what im going through with the any of the leads there because its like how could i even begin to explain and have them understand? hey there Im super knew and need special accommodations because im off my psych meds and am experiencing something called a protracted withdrawal that no medical institutions even recognize, also I had a bad reaction to a drug i was given 3  months ago that has also affected my cognitive and emotional faculties, so forgive me if I run out of the store out of panic during my shift. I was even having trouble concentrating while reading, something i have been aware of but not to this degree. after about one hour of building anxiety and sitting and reading, the akathisia crept in... I could no longer sit and read so i started standing and reading... the other employees were wondering what i was doing. after a few minutes my muscles got weak and shaky and i had to sit again regardless of the akathisia... i swear my body is literally in the most uncomfortable state at all times. i feel so vulnerable and I thought i was ready to get back to some sort of work just because i told myself to tough it out and was tired of being at home all day but maybe it was too soon. ive been dealing with residual akathisia from earlier and I doubt ill get any sleep tonight especially knowing that i have to do it all over again tomorrow. will my memory and cognitive abilities ever return? because i used to be a straight A student who had high ambitions and now I cant even retain the jamba juice training information. my life is in shambles and all this experience has shown me is that im no longer fit to work even a minimum wage job.

[clearday]

I went through a similar time during WD depression when I could barely do remedial math or follow a complete sentence, and easily fatigued. I too, always scoring in the top of my class, college educated professional - 

 

I eventually got better - and I hope the same for you -

[Pugknows]

Hey Julian. So sorry you are feeling overwhelmed and defeated right now. You will get all your cognitive abilities back, better than before. Your nerves will be brand new once regenerated. Time heals us all. ((hugs))

[strongereachday]

hey guys. ive been going through a similar thing. im a year out and sometimes my brain fog feels even worse. it feels like ill be psychotic. not sure I can tell if im getting better cognitively. but I have had some windows for other things. im just so scared that my brain is slowly dying like in alzheimers or ms or something, even though the mri shows nothing

[julianfrancois]

things at my job have improved significantly, so has my performance in the gym. the physical pain is still present but im managing as best as i can. the depersonalization and general brain fog has been a constant. ive been lucky enough to be free from anxiety and akathisia for a while but i feel the anxiety creeping back in as of late and i really worry that psychosis is the next step the idea of being delusional frightens me and the idea of being committed or medicated frightens me even more which of course makes things worse. very similar to you, strongerreachday, my thoughts sometimes feel broken and it feels like i have alzheimers or ms and my MRI is completely clean too. anyone ever try one of those early psychosis intervention programs?

[LoveandLight]

That all sounds great..except the worrying about psychosis..I worried about this also..try not to worry..I think these are just thoughts from your condition and not reality.

[strongereachday]

Thanks for the replys. I feel like some of it may be the agnososia (not being able to notice any improvement) ive had this fear severely for the whole year of becoming a typical homeless man on the street talking to himself. The thoughts are just so unreal sometimes. I might

[strongereachday]

Be experiencing a really bad wave right now cuz i just came out of a window. Feels like i have no filter on my brain and my thoughts come out of some place that im not conscious of. Sometimes i blare out things like mild tourettes. I just hope this bad wave relents soon. As for good news most all of my physical pains have gone away and im only 13 months meaning my muscle tremors flu like aches and parkinsons shakes. Peace love and healing

[Rhiannon]

things at my job have improved significantly, so has my performance in the gym. the physical pain is still present but im managing as best as i can. the depersonalization and general brain fog has been a constant. ive been lucky enough to be free from anxiety and akathisia for a while but i feel the anxiety creeping back in as of late and i really worry that psychosis is the next step the idea of being delusional frightens me and the idea of being committed or medicated frightens me even more which of course makes things worse. very similar to you, strongerreachday, my thoughts sometimes feel broken and it feels like i have alzheimers or ms and my MRI is completely clean too. anyone ever try one of those early psychosis intervention programs?

 

At some point in withdrawal, it can help to begin to play with working with our thoughts and those dreadful catastrophic expectations that we set up for ourselves.

 

From what you have described here, it is clear to me that you are gradually improving, in a three steps forward one or two back kind of way, which is absolutely typical for recovery from psych drugs. We call it "windows and waves".

 

The fact that you are having periods of improvement is a very good sign, even though those periods don't last forever. I see absolutely no objective indication that you need to be concerned about psychosis. I do remember having those out of control bad thoughts myself at one time though, so I get it!

 

Although it can be very difficult to actually work with and change one's thinking when in the chaos and hell of withdrawal and recovery from what these drugs do to our brains, even a very small amount of that can actually help a lot. When we encourage the scary thoughts we actually stimulate and activate our fear centers and reinforce them. That's a solid, physical thing we are doing in our brain. And it gets in the way of healing, because when we do that we ramp up the fear hormones and adrenaline, and our bodies go into a fight or flight state in which healing can't happen.

 

Our brains change depending on how we use them; I think the expression is "neurons that fire together, wire together" or something like that, although "wire" is not a very good analogy, since our brains are much more like a rainforest than a computer.

 

I am wondering if this might be a good time for you to consider looking into working with your thoughts and your mind consciously and choicefully, whenever you have a moment that you actually do have a sense of being able to choose. If you find yourself preoccupied with catastrophic possibilities in the future, take a moment and look at something good. Look at you, you have a JOB, in spite of everything you're able to summon up enough executive control to get out of the house and work! That's a big step. You are clearly healing and recovering.

 

If you get the chance I would take a look at the book The Brain That Changes Itself by Norman Doidges. You will see that the brain is a dynamic, self-regulating system that is very capable of change and healing.

 

I have every confidence that as long as you stay away from psych drugs that screw around with your brain's function, if you take gentle care of your nervous system and give it the time and the stability that it needs to do its healing, you will heal and you will get yourself back. It may take a few years to get all the way there. 

 

We have a lot of discussion of these kinds of things on this forum, but I don't have the links right here. I would suggest Googling "surviving antidepressants" then whatever topic (I'd suggest "mindfulness" and "amygdala" and "limbic" and "limbic retraining" to start with). 

 

Here's one thread but we have quite a few of them in this general area of things:

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2761-neuroplasticity-and-limbic-retraining/

[Rhiannon]

Oh and on "windows and waves":

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/82-the-windows-and-waves-pattern-of-recovery/

[julianfrancois]

rhiannon, Im sorry to get back to you so late. ive taken a big break from this forum. your words are so comforting and its exactly what i needed to hear. I know im making the tiniest baby steps toward recovery in many ways but the waves send my world back into chaos and its very hard not to be pessimistic about the future. today I had another attack of my akathisia after about a month of only very mild symptoms. the confusion, memory loss, and derealization have been unrelenting; ive noticed no real windows. however, for some reason despite all the disassociation, loss of articulation, and working memory problems, my coworkers, friends, and family are convinced im acting perfectly normal.  Ive realized that despite the profound pain and suffering, a frame of my once self remains to those around me who im both newly acquainted with and knew me before. of course i still enjoy laughing, beauty, music,and other normally fulfilling aspects of life but for me these things now lack an enrichment they once had and in many ways can aggravate symptoms and create stress.  but nevertheless, it has been somewhat manageable. the akathisia is something i seem to never be able to manage though. it is definitely not an akathisia horror story where the unusual discomfort and restless sensations have me writhing, its much more mild, but I am restless and cannot get comfortable. that wonderful feeling of wanting to jump out of my own skin has returned and all i can do is try and exhaust myself which has become a task as my muscle aches and weakness only worsen with extensive physical activity. I know that this episode will subside like the others but ive made a troubling discovery. I read that those who get akathisia or RLS are genetically prone to it whether they develop it or have it induced by meds because of a natural lack of dopamine regulation. obviously mine was induced but It has me terrified of my ability to recover from it. things that once comforted me and made me completely relaxed now make me feel confined and suffocated: sharing a bed with someone, lounging with friends, long drives(especially with other people), flying in an airplane( sounds completely impossible at this point), going to movie theaters. will i ever be able to reach that state of comfort again? is a full or at least very manageable recovery from this possible? I am now 5 months out since the compazine incident and my belief in recovery has kept me going thus far but this is not a tolerable state in the longterm. also, im not sure but i think i may have developed a sleep apnea problem. I can only sleep with a fan directly on my face now because as i start drifting I jerk awake with a gasp as if my lungs expansion was suspended. I also find that my twitching and tremors are at their worst when im sleeping or dozing. its not necessarily a disturbance thankfully but my body just moves a lot. possible dyskinesia? 

[julianfrancois]

Had I known that my recovery would have only inched forward slightly 9 months ago, I honestly might have given up. it is now the middle of august, nearly 10 months after a single dose of compazine entered my veins and my akathisia is full blown again and the only real stride made in my recovery is the lack of random anxiety I feel. 3 weeks ago I contracted a nasty strain of strep and Ive been on 4 different antibiotics( amoxicillin, erythromycin, 3 rocephen shots, and now augmenten) I definitely think the antibiotics and the the infection have worsened the akathisia. never in my life have i felt this chemically depressed and unmotivated. its definitely a depression that has been accumulating over the months but I know its directly tied to the akathisia. this kind of suffering is just so inhumane to me because its something you can never get used to. I cannot live a productive life like this when Im a slave to my suffering. its inescapable, its visceral, its sinister, its just too much all the time. how is it that something so acute and so distressing is so easily ignored by doctors and pharma? sometimes I wonder if it's a mistake ignoring it. like im only solidifying the akathisia's neurological pathology the more I ignore it. but then I think, if they had a solution to this problem, it would only require more psychotropics and more side effects and more damage and things can always get worse. then I inspire myself when i think  how long ive lived without meds now and that surviving this will be my biggest accomplishment ever as it's the most harrowing and under recognized feat anyone can personally go through in my opinion. I just need to know that healing will come out of this, that this isnt just a dark path full of suffering. where are all the people who have recovered?  will I ever feel comfortable in my own skin ever again?

[ang]

Hello, just reading thru new threads, now I am feeling 30%............ was so ill before, anyway, you been on meds so damn long.................  hate to tell ya this but I could have been classed as chronically depressed, and OCD  in my teens also,  but a wise doctor, did not believe in medicating...............   I survived and thrived.

Until the damn effexor, aged 45, probably prescribed for damn menopause,     now I am stuffed, but recovering............... god I feel so sorry for people who go on this stuff as teenagers...

anyway I wish you well,  at age 56, I am recovering, and so damn glad, my gp at age 16, didnt believe in medicating........... I had a good damn 45 years of life, until I got on damn effexor......... the devils tic tacs..............                  Silly me, and I understand, and work in pathology, but I believed my damn sister, one out of 6 siblings, cause the drugs made her feel better, she pushed them on me, like an alcoholic pushes alcohol........................ and damn when I was flying on the stuff, I did the same, until reality, no marriage, no finances, not employable, kidney and liver failure, and damn, high blood pressure, high cholesterol............. Yes damn Merck, know how to keep us ill, and paying for their poisons, called addiction, not bi polar, not nothing.....................  everyone is bipolar after taking this ****, even if they take it for a damn headache.

[Altostrata]

Yes, antibiotics and illness can make akathisia worse. Hang in there, this too will pass.

[Ashpashley23]

@julianfrancois how are you doing lately? Any improvements?