Wildflower0214

Losing faith

39 posts in this topic

Yes, I too have lost faith, not in Christianity in particular, but in God and the... what can I call it... being "under" a religion, following it and all the axioms and commands/advice contained in it. I was blindly following one particular movement before my admittance to psych ward, and I followed it too much, punishing myself for failure and demanding more of myself. The fault of course was in me, but I'm not going back to spiritual matters blindly anymore, I will inspect before I make decisions. I will explore the axioms behind the sentiments, and make my decision after thorough review.

I have had some spiritual experiences, but I have come to understand they were not because I found something special, or that I were anything special, they were given to me to enforce the path I was taking. Highly suspicious. And if I have experiences in the future I will not be swayed by them the same way I was before. But that is interesting: does the experience matter more than explanation? I used to favour the former, now it's latter I'm leaning on.

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Expect to lose faith expect it to come and go.... cause this is a challenge to faith.  

 

For me inspiration has come and gone... like windows and waves... faith however dim it was did not leave me completely it was so far down I could not find it but it was still there some place and when I am in the thick of things stuck in the weeds I can't seem to make myself try one more inch ... one more second... then I rest. Wait anguish and sooner or later it will come down to is it better to be tired and broken and anguished with a bit of faith... or without it. 

 

Yes!  Windows and waves applies to so much!

 

There are stories about enlightenment which talk about the soul hiding, the sense of being connected - hiding.  And in that separation and aloneness - everything seems so bleak, final, and hopeless.

 

Then, in joy and connection, peek-a-boo!  We find faith again, and feel oneness again, feel saved again.

 

The cycle repeats.

 

I've been saying lately that life comes in waves and windows, and you summed it up nicely, B.  Faith, too.  Windows and waves.

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That is interesting about faith coming in waves and windows. I am wondering what Christmas will feel like this year. Empty? Grim? A glimmer of hope? Trying to just accept whatever comes and not try to push myself to think it has to be a certain way. Perhaps if I stop trying to think it has to be a certain way, I will find my spiritual feet again some day.

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