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Losing faith

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#37 Bokart



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Posted 28 November 2016 - 11:25 AM

Yes, I too have lost faith, not in Christianity in particular, but in God and the... what can I call it... being "under" a religion, following it and all the axioms and commands/advice contained in it. I was blindly following one particular movement before my admittance to psych ward, and I followed it too much, punishing myself for failure and demanding more of myself. The fault of course was in me, but I'm not going back to spiritual matters blindly anymore, I will inspect before I make decisions. I will explore the axioms behind the sentiments, and make my decision after thorough review.

I have had some spiritual experiences, but I have come to understand they were not because I found something special, or that I were anything special, they were given to me to enforce the path I was taking. Highly suspicious. And if I have experiences in the future I will not be swayed by them the same way I was before. But that is interesting: does the experience matter more than explanation? I used to favour the former, now it's latter I'm leaning on.

2015 11th Feb  Started on Olanzapine 10 mg

5th March  Stopped cold turkey, horrible withdrawal with unimaginable anxiety and insomni 5th March  Reinstated 15 mg

19th March  Down to  11,25 mg,  30th March  Down to ~9,38 mg, 15th April  Down to 7,5 mg, 26th April Down to ~5,63 mg 

2nd May Up to 7,5 mg on due to withdrawal reaction 15th May  Down to ~5,63 mg every other day, 8th June Down to  ~5,63 mg three of four days,

12nd June Down to ~5,63 mg every day 21st July Up to 7,5 mg every other day due to slight insomnia

9th August  Up to 15 mg due to high anxiety and semi-severe  insomnia 25th August Down to 11,25 mg, 16th December Down to ~9,38 mg, 

2016:18th January Down to 7,5 mg 1st of June 6,45 mg, 1st of July ~6,08 mg,  1st of August  ~5,5 mg, 16th of August 5 mg (switched to 5 mg  tablets), 1st Oct. 4,5 mg, 1st Nov. 4.05 mg, 1st Dec 3,65 mg

2017: 1st Jan. ~3,3 mg, 1st Feb 2,95 mg, 22nd Feb 2,65 mg (began 3-week taper) 15th Mar 2,38 mg, 5th Apr 2,14 mg, 26th Apr 1,94 mg

Other medications: Temazepam for sleep, using it very sparingly. Melatonin too, which has started working since Jan. 2017, using it sparingly (haven't used in over 9 months).

#38 JanCarol


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Posted 29 November 2016 - 09:31 PM

Expect to lose faith expect it to come and go.... cause this is a challenge to faith.  

For me inspiration has come and gone... like windows and waves... faith however dim it was did not leave me completely it was so far down I could not find it but it was still there some place and when I am in the thick of things stuck in the weeds I can't seem to make myself try one more inch ... one more second... then I rest. Wait anguish and sooner or later it will come down to is it better to be tired and broken and anguished with a bit of faith... or without it. 


Yes!  Windows and waves applies to so much!


There are stories about enlightenment which talk about the soul hiding, the sense of being connected - hiding.  And in that separation and aloneness - everything seems so bleak, final, and hopeless.


Then, in joy and connection, peek-a-boo!  We find faith again, and feel oneness again, feel saved again.


The cycle repeats.


I've been saying lately that life comes in waves and windows, and you summed it up nicely, B.  Faith, too.  Windows and waves.

"Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna


Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again.


My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices.


A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia.   CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013.   Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine).     Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 -  Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years  on Lithium).  Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made.


Currently Lithium Orotate 1.67 mg only.  I will re-evaluate this supplement in 2017.


I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016!

#39 MNgal1960


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Posted 21 December 2016 - 07:28 PM

That is interesting about faith coming in waves and windows. I am wondering what Christmas will feel like this year. Empty? Grim? A glimmer of hope? Trying to just accept whatever comes and not try to push myself to think it has to be a certain way. Perhaps if I stop trying to think it has to be a certain way, I will find my spiritual feet again some day.

2005-2006 Rapid taper off of Zoloft. Horrible but survived. Adverse drug reaction to Prozac.

2010-2013 Night panics. All typical sleep aids failed. Diagnosed with complex PTSD.

2013-present: Valium (5mg x 3) prescribed by pro-benzo doctor. Helped me sleep for awhile. Then sleep began to get worse again.

Nov. 2014 Switched doctors. New doctor was anti-benzo but thought a 3-month taper was a slow taper. Failed and reinstated. Added 25mg Seroquel for sleep.

March 2016 Reduced gabapentin by 20% by accident and backed up again. (Was trying to feel less sedated.) Reduced again more slowly to 200+200+300.

October 2016 Liquefied one V tablet. Neuropathy back immediately. Waiting to liquefy another.

November 2016 All 3 tablets now dissolved. I think the windows are getting a little more frequent but they don't last long. Sleep poor.

January 2017 Felt stable enough to try daily microtaper. Started at 3% and inched up to almost 10%. Became very unstable. Terrors back. Neuropathy back.

February 2017 Holding again. Slow improvements.

March 2017 Neuropathy back to tolerable. Making very tiny cuts, about 3%/month.

April 2017 Hold. Lot of stress. Anxiety high and sleep terrible.

May 2017 Trying 1% cuts once/week of the V.