Tankgirl - Introduction.. feeling beyond lonely

[tankgirl]

Hi everyone,

 

At 16 I was diagnosed with Depression, anixety, PTSD and at a later stage BDD. I started medication at this age, with Prozac (fluoxetine) being my primary pill.  I have trialed many different medications usually under guidance of Psychiatrist otherwise GP , most with bad reactions/ side effects. As a result i would always return to Prozac as it was the safest with mild to no side effects. However, this only ever gave me near 50% improvement. I was still incredibly depressed and  anxious-serverly anxious at particular times where i was challenged. Having been on medication for 14 or so years with mild improvement I decided  that i would trial being off it completely, try natural methods and sought a family GP for tapering guidance. 

 

I have now officially been off 60mg of Prozac for approx 5 months (tapering began September-End of December). Since i have been officially off medication things for me have gotten increasingly worse over time. I had to quit my job due to the intense daily anxiety and emotion i was facing getting ready and commuting to work. I cry daily, sometimes for long periods with no motivation to do anything. I still wake up daily with overly intense anxiety.. and usually dissolve into tears because i cannot handle it. I feel constantly miserable, have suicidal ideation, barely eat and feel like im in a fog. I almost always feel better when i exercise..when i can get myself to but a long term back injury interferes, however it is improving. I am drinking chamomile tea and have started taking saME200 which was advised through my nutritionist.

 

The nutritionist i am seeing, i have only been too twice. Today, was the second appointment. I felt quite good after seeing her the first time as she supported my choice to go natural. Today was a different story and i felt incredibly disheartened by the end of my session. She advised as her duty of care that i should go back on medication (see my Gp) while also adapting to natural methods . I bought $100au worth of supplements today.. incl zinc, lavandula calm and calm x.. desperate to assist my current ordeal. In addition My Psychologist, who i last saw when visiting Melbourne in Feb ( i moved home to Sydney)also told me to go back on medication so i could think clearer. she didn't offer any strategies or skills which i asked of her. In terms of current therapy isee someone for half an hour once a fortnight.. he specialists in BDD.

 

I do not want to go back on medication, especially after the harrowing ordeal i have faced coming off it but i worry i wont improve.  Ii feel so alone in my decision.  I am concerned about what it is has done to my body during the extended period i have been on it. I also want to avoid being on it for life. My parents have noticed a difference since i have been off prozac but i am well aware of it myself. I have other contributing factors which are making me super anxious and depressed.. being excluded from uni, moving back home ( a once toxic environment, which i have had great difficulty re adapting too), trying to decide what to do with my life career wise, if i should return to Melbourne.. list goes on. 

 

If you have any advice, knowledge or experience that you feel would guide me i would geuinely appreciate it.. i feel so alone, desperate and on the verge of swallowing that prozac pill again. 

[Tilly]

Hi Tankgirl,

 

Firstly, welcome to this wonderful community 

 

You are not alone and you will receive support here.

 

I'm so sorry to hear of your difficulties and the choices that face you during such a difficult time. 

 

The first thing that needs to be addressed is the issue of your medication. 60mg is an extremely high dosage to withdraw from in such a short time. It is no surprise that you are suffering and feeling the effects of this.

 

A moderator will be along shortly to offer you some guidance on a way forward for you.

 

In the meantime, take good care.

 

Tilly x

[Addax]

Welcome yo SA, Tankgirl. So glad you found this site.

 

You will find that you are not alone and that what you are experiencing is very typical of withdrawal from SSRIs. It's also common for symptoms to sneak up on you at 4, 5, and 6 months off these drugs. Maybe even particularly for Prozac. I tapered (if you can even call it that) from 60mg form Prozac as well in 2012 over just a few months and was slammed with symptoms at 4 months. You'll get through this despite not feeling like you will.

 

 

I'm simply a member and a moderator will be along shortly to offer advice and guidance, but I'll try and at least get things rolling for them.

 

Could you provide more detail on how you tapered and over what time period. It does sound like you tapered very quickly. Also, it's helpful to the moderators and other members if you create a signature. That way people can refer to it easily when communicating with you here. Here's how you do that: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/893-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/

 

You might also want to look at the "symptom and self care" section for suggestions on dealing with symptoms. Magnisium had been a great help to me when it comes to anxiety and sleep. Many people also find omega-3 supplement helpful. You can read about both in the symptom and self care section.

 

again, welcome!

[btdt]

Hi everyone,

 

At 16 I was diagnosed with Depression, anixety, PTSD and at a later stage BDD. I started medication at this age, with Prozac (fluoxetine) being my primary pill.  I have trialed many different medications usually under guidance of Psychiatrist otherwise GP , most with bad reactions/ side effects. As a result i would always return to Prozac as it was the safest with mild to no side effects. However, this only ever gave me near 50% improvement. I was still incredibly depressed and  anxious-serverly anxious at particular times where i was challenged. Having been on medication for 14 or so years with mild improvement I decided  that i would trial being off it completely, try natural methods and sought a family GP for tapering guidance. 

 

I have now officially been off 60mg of Prozac for approx 5 months (tapering began September-End of December). Since i have been officially off medication things for me have gotten increasingly worse over time. I had to quit my job due to the intense daily anxiety and emotion i was facing getting ready and commuting to work. I cry daily, sometimes for long periods with no motivation to do anything. I still wake up daily with overly intense anxiety.. and usually dissolve into tears because i cannot handle it. I feel constantly miserable, have suicidal ideation, barely eat and feel like im in a fog. I almost always feel better when i exercise..when i can get myself to but a long term back injury interferes, however it is improving. I am drinking chamomile tea and have started taking saME200 which was advised through my nutritionist.

 

The nutritionist i am seeing, i have only been too twice. Today, was the second appointment. I felt quite good after seeing her the first time as she supported my choice to go natural. Today was a different story and i felt incredibly disheartened by the end of my session. She advised as her duty of care that i should go back on medication (see my Gp) while also adapting to natural methods . I bought $100au worth of supplements today.. incl zinc, lavandula calm and calm x.. desperate to assist my current ordeal. In addition My Psychologist, who i last saw when visiting Melbourne in Feb ( i moved home to Sydney)also told me to go back on medication so i could think clearer. she didn't offer any strategies or skills which i asked of her. In terms of current therapy isee someone for half an hour once a fortnight.. he specialists in BDD.

 

I do not want to go back on medication, especially after the harrowing ordeal i have faced coming off it but i worry i wont improve.  Ii feel so alone in my decision.  I am concerned about what it is has done to my body during the extended period i have been on it. I also want to avoid being on it for life. My parents have noticed a difference since i have been off prozac but i am well aware of it myself. I have other contributing factors which are making me super anxious and depressed.. being excluded from uni, moving back home ( a once toxic environment, which i have had great difficulty re adapting too), trying to decide what to do with my life career wise, if i should return to Melbourne.. list goes on. 

 

If you have any advice, knowledge or experience that you feel would guide me i would geuinely appreciate it.. i feel so alone, desperate and on the verge of swallowing that prozac pill again. 

"I felt quite good after seeing her the first time as she supported my choice to go natural. Today was a different story and i felt incredibly disheartened by the end of my session. "

 

I have been there before start off great with a person think I am going to make some headway finally only to have them turn on me.  I have finally clued in to the fact that they get a chart the history follows you around and whatever was said about you in the past will affect their interpretation of who and what you are... those labels carry a lot of weight and they follow us like black clouds. 

 

This has been my experience. 

It does not matter that most of what is written on those pages are to cover the asses of doctors and make their giving me drugs seem fit... and in some cases if they seen my after I had been on drugs they are looking at a person riddled with drug side effects and reactions and post reaction trauma... none of that matters when they decide about you from what was written by others outside your self... all the while negating any negative affects that could and should be attributed to the drugs you were on... I guess she is saying if those people were right ... you need drugs. 

 

Those people could be well wrong in most of what they say ... that does not mean you may not need a tiny amount of the drug to get stable and taper off slowly over time... one thing that does happen here sometimes. 

I am not saying that is what you need to do either I don't know I am the last one to say such a thing as I went cold turkey... but there are bad things to cold turkey too... there is a lot to learn and a lot for you to think about.  I hope you take your time here and look around enough to form your own opinions.  There are moderators with a lot of experience in symptoms and care but mostly a lot of experience in taper. 

 

I know you say you had a horrid time this last go round with getting off the drug and that has deterred you from thinking along those lines again I completely understand that it was such a case that had me going cold turkey.  Still there are other thoughts on it.. the choice at the end of the day is always going to be yours to make. 

 

Supplements are not without their problems and I had issues with many things even food... so have others so please be very careful with them... I know some do well with them but others just don't.. we are all different keep that in mind.  If you like there is a section here on supplements you can search each one within this site to see what others here have to say about them.  While we are all different there are some very common themes with withdrawal symptoms and many things non drug and non supplements have been found to help with a lot these symptoms.  You will find them here

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/forum/8-symptoms-and-self-care/

 

Mostly I hate to see your alone... 

We all feel that we are alone till we come here and find we are not alone not anymore... we are not just not alone we have support and friendship and what is going on inside us is also going on inside other people they know exactly what your talking about .. many times I could not find the words to explain something I would find it in the words of another on a withdrawal site either this one or one like it.  There is a sort of peace and calm in mess of suffering withdrawal when you know not only are you not alone there are things you can do to help yourself there is support and there is hope. I hope you are here reading and please fill in your history so we know where your coming from. 

 

Wishing you peace. 

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Tankgirl.

 

It sounds like you are suffering from post-discontinuation withdrawal syndrome.

 

Did you have any difficulty tapering from 60mg Prozac to zero?

 

Sometimes reinstating a very small dose of the drug, say 5mg, can reduce withdrawal syndrome. You would stabilize for some months, then very gradually taper off.

 

See What is withdrawal syndrome?

 

About reinstating and stabilizing to stop withdrawal symptoms

 

Tips for tapering off Prozac (fluoxetine)

 

SAM-e is often too harsh for people suffering from withdrawal syndrome.

[tankgirl]

Thank you everyone for your heartfelt replies. I have created a signature as suggested but am unable to write a proper reply right now as i am feeling incredibly overwhelmed by everything.. information i am recieving, research i am finding. Its very hard to know what to trust when at such a vulnerable stage. I don't know if this is withdrawal but i do know that the past 4-5 months have been absolute hell. I don't remember being like this before going on medication at 16. I was a very dark, depressed and highly suicidal teenager, with a lot of anger. I had anxiety mostly, intensifying in challenging social situations because i isolated myself. I would also cry now and then but not at repetitive excessive levels. It was such a long time ago so hard to recall exactly. I don't feel i was near the insane level of anxiety and excessive crying that i am currently experiencing. I really feel for everyone on here in similar predicament. I will write again in the next few days when i feel my mind has settled. Thank you so kindly to everyone.. from the first response to the last i felt that little bit better, with touching benefit

[oskcajga]

Hi everyone,

 

At 16 I was diagnosed with Depression, anixety, PTSD and at a later stage BDD. I started medication at this age, with Prozac (fluoxetine) being my primary pill.  I have trialed many different medications usually under guidance of Psychiatrist otherwise GP , most with bad reactions/ side effects. As a result i would always return to Prozac as it was the safest with mild to no side effects. However, this only ever gave me near 50% improvement. I was still incredibly depressed and  anxious-serverly anxious at particular times where i was challenged. Having been on medication for 14 or so years with mild improvement I decided  that i would trial being off it completely, try natural methods and sought a family GP for tapering guidance. 

 

I have now officially been off 60mg of Prozac for approx 5 months (tapering began September-End of December). Since i have been officially off medication things for me have gotten increasingly worse over time. I had to quit my job due to the intense daily anxiety and emotion i was facing getting ready and commuting to work. I cry daily, sometimes for long periods with no motivation to do anything. I still wake up daily with overly intense anxiety.. and usually dissolve into tears because i cannot handle it. I feel constantly miserable, have suicidal ideation, barely eat and feel like im in a fog. I almost always feel better when i exercise..when i can get myself to but a long term back injury interferes, however it is improving. I am drinking chamomile tea and have started taking saME200 which was advised through my nutritionist.

 

The nutritionist i am seeing, i have only been too twice. Today, was the second appointment. I felt quite good after seeing her the first time as she supported my choice to go natural. Today was a different story and i felt incredibly disheartened by the end of my session. She advised as her duty of care that i should go back on medication (see my Gp) while also adapting to natural methods . I bought $100au worth of supplements today.. incl zinc, lavandula calm and calm x.. desperate to assist my current ordeal. In addition My Psychologist, who i last saw when visiting Melbourne in Feb ( i moved home to Sydney)also told me to go back on medication so i could think clearer. she didn't offer any strategies or skills which i asked of her. In terms of current therapy isee someone for half an hour once a fortnight.. he specialists in BDD.

 

I do not want to go back on medication, especially after the harrowing ordeal i have faced coming off it but i worry i wont improve.  Ii feel so alone in my decision.  I am concerned about what it is has done to my body during the extended period i have been on it. I also want to avoid being on it for life. My parents have noticed a difference since i have been off prozac but i am well aware of it myself. I have other contributing factors which are making me super anxious and depressed.. being excluded from uni, moving back home ( a once toxic environment, which i have had great difficulty re adapting too), trying to decide what to do with my life career wise, if i should return to Melbourne.. list goes on. 

 

If you have any advice, knowledge or experience that you feel would guide me i would geuinely appreciate it.. i feel so alone, desperate and on the verge of swallowing that prozac pill again. 

 

Thank you for sharing your struggles.  From what I've read, it seems like you're having a very difficult time, but I would like to point out that it seems like you missed out on some of the more serious complications associated with coming off of antidepressant medication (e.g., Severe memory loss, being homebound for like 4-5 years, and being unable to do ANYTHING because of panic attacks, etc, etc).  What I seem to garner from your post is exacerbated emotions and general malaise, mood swings and more serious depression, anxiety, etc.  The exacerbation in your symptoms is no doubt due to an altered brain chemistry after being on medication for a very long time, and like some of the other complications posted on this site, I would expect these unusual feelings that are not your baseline to resolve themselves over time.  How long will this take?  No one can answer that question, but things will definitely improve over time (probably 3-9 months of time for the worst of it to be over).

 

If exercise helps, then pour yourself into a constant activity regime 3-5X per week, and my advice would be to find some sort of distraction for the rest of the time.

 

 

One thing you might want to keep in mind if you go down the medication route again is that it's possible that after many years of SSRI use, your brain is now hypersensitive to these medications, and if you go back on them after a period of non-use, you could have a much worse adverse reaction.  There's a scientific term to this phenomenon called the kindling effect, and it's extremely well described for alcohol, and benzodiazepam use - and it's very likely that the same thing exists for antidepressants (any of them).

 

Be wary of taking too many supplements and recreational drugs, they may have different or more profound effects.

 

Overall, just stay in touch and let us know how you do as you learn to live life again without the constant use of medication.  You're far from alone, even if it feels like that.

[quitpaxil2015]

Dear Tankgirl,

 

You are right that you will find little understanding from most healthcare providers. I encourage you to find support where you can get it - be it with friends or here in this community. I have found that just being part of this community has encouraged me to try to taper.

 

I think that it will help to continue to treat yourself very gently and to do keep reminding yourself that this will pass. I have been in the antidepressant merry go round for a long, long time and I wish I had stuck with the taper many years ago.

 

Try not to be discouraged. It sounds like your nutritionist is understanding. Try to meet people of the same mind.

 

I wish you all the best in this journey.

[JanCarol]

Hey tankgirl (love the name!)

 

you wrote:  

I don't remember being like this before going on medication at 16.

 

This is your key to knowing "this is only withdrawal"  this is the drug, this is not you.

 

Many of us were dark and wild as teenagers - there were traumas to overcome, rebellions to fester - and this is not necessarily a "medication required" state - it may just be normal teenage angst and rebellion, or finding your identity in the wake of a trauma.  A "spiritual crisis" is not necessarily a state which needs to be medicated.

 

I was going to echo what AltoStrata said (she is the wisest and most experienced here) about reinstatement.

 

Here's how you can play the doctor's game.  Your taper was too fast.  We recommend 10% a month, not a week!  So I suggest you tell your professionals, yes.  You will go back on the Prozac - but only on the lowest possible dose.  Even 5 mg might be enough to help your symptoms!  No more than 10 mg at most!

 

You were on this drug for over a decade - it's not going to just heal in a few months!

 

Here's what Rhi says about the way our brain reacts to withdrawal - it's not like aspirin, you need to rebuild your brain:  Rhi's description of healing the brain

 

Please, use this introduction thread as your blog, your journal, to track your healing journey - and to get suggestions and support from those of us who have been there.  Welcome to SA!

[Altostrata]

Or, accept a prescription for 10mg or 20mg Prozac, but take smaller doses by making your own liquid.

[tankgirl]

thank you to everyone so kindly for there effort to reply, it doesn't go unappreciated. 

 

I have not been on for a long while because i have just been so unwell, incredibly confused and was very unsure of which direction to take due to difference of opinons.. whether it be doctors, science in general or by people. I have been consistent with most of the supplements including the Same but have withdrawn from everything except the same and fish oil as i was to be tested for Pyrol. My dose for SAME was increased from 400-800 and i have not noticed any difference in my depression. I cry almost daily still. I am eating better and exercising more but my depression even after exercise still hangs over my head immensely. I can finish a good exercise session and still be crying afterwards or not have that same "lift" from endorphin's that i use to geT (its very minimal).

 

I am considering going off SAME period because i am unsure if it is making me worse. Due to the expense there was a period not that long ago that i ran out of SAME and even before the SAME, I finished the lavadula calm. Now i don't know if it is me, but my depression in the morning had lifted. I remember it clearly because i had my period at the same time and usually that makes me much worse in the depression and lethargy area. i ressumed the SAME only. My doctor, i have seen two actually.. didn't think the lavadula calm was assisting in any way (it contains jon wort) and i agreed. He is keen for me to try medication again but has not pushed me to do so and respects my descion. However he is pro medication and believes there hasn't been enough research done on supplements such as SAME to prove the effectiveness for depression. The female doctor thought reinstating even a small amount, a few months ago, wouldn't be effective.. meaning the earlier it was done the better. I have now been off meds completely from tapering, near 6 months.

 

As of today.. I can't make even the simplest of decisions, need to urinate constantly (assuming its linked to my anxiety), can't focus/concentrate on my work, cry alot, have suicidal ideation, almost constant heart pulptations.. anxiety linked, obsess over and get upset about nearly everything. I am living at home currently and hate to see what it is doing to my family.. i am that close to starting meds again for their sake. I don't know what the f is wrong with me. I feel so responsible for their anguish and heartache. They want to see me on medication again. 

 

The doctors i see both don't believe withdrawal is on going, rather that it can be 1-2 months period. My partner is the only one who thinks i have made a positive step. However, he isn't living with me so he doesn't see how bad i am. He thinks the way i am currently is because i am experiencing an awful crossroad in my life.. after being excluded and moving home.. not being able to keep a job down, or complete a short course. Not having anything achieved. My dream of working with animals feels so far away. I feel there is no light, ever. 

[tankgirl]

I think i will stop taking SAME as i feel it may be having adverse effects. I was told i need to be on it for 3 months to see a difference.. i'm not sure how accurate that is as i have read otherwise else where

[bananas]

Hi TankGirl.  I have been on Effexor for 14 years and have been tapering for the last two years.  I can tell you that what you are describing is very familiar to me.  There are times that I feel like I am functioning a step behind everyone else and don't trust my perception of things.  I can't concentrate, can't remember things, can't get words out of my mouth when talking although I can see them in my brain, have become reclusive, have agitation that goes out the door sometimes where everything bothers me, am pretty much constantly depressed, and can't take care of things that need to be taken care of.  There are times when I have read something and didn't understand a thing I read.  I have had to ask my son to read it and explain it to me.  These things are classic.  I have also recently gone through palpitations, fluttering, skipped beats, and heart "vibrations", but these have since settled down.  

 

I agree with everyone else that maybe going back up on a low dose of the medication until you stabilize a bit might be a good thing.  It also sounds like you have a feeling stopping the supplement you are on would be a good thing.  I tried to cold turkey off the Effexor once and after three days I was a total basket case.  I couldn't quit crying and was basically having a melt down.  Everyone here has been through it and we are here to help each other on our journey off these medications so you definitely aren't alone here.  I can't tell you how many times I have just come on the site and read postings to feel like I wasn't going crazy.  I often find myself in the words of what someone has posted and then know that it isn't me but is the meds.  

 

During these last couple of years I have realized, just as most of us have, that most doctors really don't know what we are talking about.  I have found more help here than I have from any of the doctors I have been to, and any advice I have gotten here regarding tapering has worked out well for me.  These are all people who have gone through it or are going through it and so speak from experience.  Until I discovered the side effects of the medication, I thought I was going crazy and just didn't know what was wrong with me either.  It wasn't until I started doing research on Effexor and going to sites like this one that I realized my entire life had been taken over by the medication and its effects.  Hang in there.  It will pass.  I am so much better than I was two years ago and my son mentioned that he can tell a great difference.  I still have a long way to go to get off the med I am on, but it sounds like you just need to stabilize and then start slowly tapering back off.  A lot of people have more problems with that last little bit and have to stabilize for longer periods of time from what I have read here.  It is going to be okay and you are going to be able to get off them.  As much as we all want it to be, it isn't an immediate healing.  It takes time.  Try not to beat yourself up over those periods of time when you feel out of control.  We all have at some point, but it is just your body trying to adjust.  Your dream of working with animals will become a reality, but you are just healing yourself first so you can truly be present with them.

[Petunia]

Hi tankgirl,

 

I've read through your thread and I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through, but its not unfamiliar to me and sounds like what many other members have experienced because of medication withdrawal.

 

I understand its difficult to know what information to trust, there is so much conflicting advice 'out there', but I've been here on this site for just over 2 years now and have seen many people helped by the advice and information here.

 

I'm not going to overwhelm you with a whole lot more information, but will simply say that supplements like SAMe and St Johns Wort are not recommended for people in withdrawal because in a sensitized nervous system, those supplements don't act the same as they do in a 'healthy' nervous system.

 

If you are going to stop taking the SAMe, you may want to taper off it rather than just stop cold turkey, this will protect your nervous system from another shock.

 

You may actually start feeling better by stopping this supplement.  If not, reinstatement of a small amount of Prozac might help.

 

 

Sometimes reinstating a very small dose of the drug, say 5mg, can reduce withdrawal syndrome. You would stabilize for some months, then very gradually taper off.

 

See What is withdrawal syndrome?

 

About reinstating and stabilizing to stop withdrawal symptoms

 

Tips for tapering off Prozac (fluoxetine)

 

SAM-e is often too harsh for people suffering from withdrawal syndrome.