☼ manymoretodays: off many years of many medications

[manymoretodays]

Well it wasn't the Omega 3's.  As by evening yesterday I got to the same desperation as 2 days before.

 

Just waiting for neighbor woman to help me make a list and then she will get some supplies for me.

 

4 desperate calls made.  5 if you count Jesus.  I am at the Lord's mercy now.

 

Safe enough between pacing and fetal position in bed and just breathing while replacing thoughts with Jesus and surrender.

 

I am going to have to go somewhere I think as I have no one.  I am no one.

 

Hoping one of my desperate phone call people can help me get where I am going.  Because I sure can't do it myself.

[AliG]

Many . What's going on ?  Has something happened ? Just breathe. You are going to be ok  One foot in front of the other. Can you call your therapist ?

[manymoretodays]

Maybe more in person help at home coming.  Will have supplies and clean dishes soon.  I apologize for posting and adding in any way to your own distress.

 

No one single thing has happened, no.

 

I could call my therapist.  Talked to her Tuesday.  Lag time usually until she calls back or texts.  I need practical help and may get more of it soon.

 

One arm in front of the other and one knee is more like it.  Just crawling and begging and babbling on about it all.

[manymoretodays]

So far so good today.  It's kind of back in the body and out of the head.  So........naturally achy.

 

Nice 60's weather.  I gotta get outside in the sun for awhile.

[manymoretodays]

The sun is nice outside.  Man......I could not stop smiling.  Alternating with kitchen dancing.  I might be able to relax.  Bye bye shame and guilt, paranoia, resentments, hatred and all the rest.  Until next time.     I think I will bring a book and writing pad out there.  Maybe a colored ink gel pen.

 

I have to step around all the deer poop.  Literally.

[manymoretodays]

Depression today along with weakness and neck pain. Very scared. Very sick. Slow cognitively. Got out in the sun a few times. It feels like moving through thick molasses. Will try a blenderful of more food soon and to watch the Oscars....maybe switch to Downton Abbey. I think I slept 6 hours and then off and on keep dozing off briefly.

[manymoretodays]

Awesome associations Jesus.  I just can't put the all of it out here. 

[manymoretodays]

Well they were.  Awesome associations that day.  So very nervous about "my additional help" which may arrive today or this weekend.  As I have such a hard time delegating or even being clear much of the time.  Angel Merlene lives on and does still help quite a bit.

 

Oh yah, asked for help from a AA friend who will and found a possible younger gal.  So hoping she "gets it" without me fumbling around, as I do now, for words and explanations.  Such a mess here.  Bills will be later getting done.  Eating takes priority and I kind of live like a homeless person........yet still in my home........thankful for that.

 

I guess my aha of the moment is prioritizing starting some reductions on the trileptal that is still at 75mg.  That perhaps is having a huge effect on cognition and organizing and then leading to frustration.  Because I do..........for the most part..........if I can control my environment and emotional inputs..........get to feeling pretty normal again sometime in the evening.........probably when the more immediate effects of that small dose wear off.  Not enough time to do much catch up before bedtime though and the next dose.

 

It does seem that even as I got to 67.5 mgs. when I started to titrate before and then even closer to 60mgs. that I could finally do more.......be less black and white about it all, feel less threatened by horror(seemed like) stories here..........perhaps better said that they all seemed to be my story..........that lack of discernment thing going on, which does frequently go on in my mind now.

 

Sure, the rest has been hard too.  The solitude/isolation turning into unfathomable darkness.  The even wanting to get through this anymore.  The general lack of enthusiasm for this great freedom I will eventually obtain to be myself...........as well as trusting that the self I do become WILL be good enough to live with.  The can't be a friend really until I am a friend to myself again which makes any interactions difficult.  Online or off.  The fears.  Oh the fears.

 

The associate did come by last evening for a bit.  And is doing well enough.  Still working.  Been sick with an upper respiratory infection.  Still a non driving citizen, fugitive and most likely doing some drinking on the weekends with his peers.  I don't even mind that.  Maybe he's not an alcoholic.  I doubt he drinks to get to work or any of that stuff.   Just having him around for a few hours even was comfort and happiness.  He took his bike so that's good.  I rather liked it better than mine but it's his.

 

So.......thankful for my ex taking him...........best to think it's a win/win for both of them as ex does pretty badly living on his own from time to time.

 

Sooo........here's hoping........better times ahead.  Real soon.  At least a good sense of humor to return.  The will to do better self care and love myself again in that non-ego way.  I have to get dressed at least to the point of blending in out in the world and have some fun with that.

 

I'll try for a rewrite later.  But it helped.  Thank you.

[manymoretodays]

D.S.  I look on this as an awakening , of sorts . Would we have gone through "  this"  without  " this " ?   Probably not .  Is this our " wake- up call " ?  Probably !  Are we in a fit state to answer that call   - probably not !  ( but , one day  maybe .)  we will !

Love & hugs , Ali

 

I'm quoting this one.  I watched the final episode of Downton Abbey again too.  I might have to do a third round even.  I will miss that show.

 

Wake up call.  Yes.  What to add for the future attitude and not become a total nut about it. 

 

Anyway.........feeling cautious hope I think.  Oh, is anyone ever in a fit state to answer that call?   I think the blurry call cometh when we are at our worst for a reason?  Possibly?

 

Some confusion regarding resentments, relinquishing them, and making amends with discernment?? 

 

Somewhat in between springlike day. 

 

The quails never really left they are just foraging on the ground.  Really sour smell around here now.  I think it's the wet towels.  After the Epsom salt baths I take I get so darn relaxed I can't quite hang them up to dry anymore.

 

Monday.  March 7th.  Going forward and hopefully beyond the usual in some way.  The space between the thoughts and the space between the breath.  Adding to those kind of moments with hopefully some kind of careless abandon.  I hope I am getting somewhere now.

 

Pretty anxious but in a good non fearing way.

 

Non nonsensical mutterings to remind myself of something.

[manymoretodays]

Well, my new helpers came today.  Grateful.  Difficult but will explain tomorrow that I am generally slow to warm up and will stick with for a few weeks, hopefully longer.  Exhausting.  Not sure it is something I will even have to pay for other than a stipend or something when I can.

 

Therapy via phone.  So had my interactions.

 

Got outside for a little bit of sunshine too.  Brushed teeth.  Washed face.  Brushed hair.  Ate fair.......back to some ensure, blender stuff.

 

Didn't cry until they left.......gratitude tears I think and the wonder of this life sometimes.

 

Tomorrow going for full hygiene before they arrive.  Groceries. 

 

Need to give angel Merlene a report soon.

[manymoretodays]

I am jubilant to report I got out today.  With help.  After over 2 weeks of only going out into the yard, if even that.  Withdrawal agoraphobia has developed.  But today I took the first step to end it.  Which feels great!  Scary but going to keep after it.  Maybe tomorrow I will drive.

 

Really just getting to know my new helper angel, which is hard to accept but it is looking good that she will stick around and we will manage to help each other a little.  She is 41 to my 58 years so kind of, a could be, daughter friend type.  Has had a rougher life than mine, a little bit.  And woah, she has been on Lexapro for 8 years.  No desire to get off it yet but ............how weird is this??!!  I probably won't preach or push.  So helper angel will be called HA.  Cleaning help and companion kind of thing but I am feeling positive about it at the moment. 

 

I also called the doctor about getting some armour thyroid on file at the pharmacy.  I will promise him I will go in for blood work in April or something.  I might even ask for the liquid Trileptal so I can find out how much it costs anyway.  I have to find my printout with the UDC # or something if they have to order it in.

 

And not as totally exhausted as I got yesterday.  Oh maybe we'll go on a short nature drive and stop tomorrow.  Springtime is around the corner.  Clean the house, get out in the yard.  If I could keep going I could plant some organic veggies and flowers and herbs. 

 

And showered and threw some clothes on.  Going to brush my teeth to celebrate.

[direstraits]

this sounds wonderful...happy for you!

 

xo

[manymoretodays]

Well, the liquid trileptal costs $90.00 so I won't go that route.  The pharmacist called me personally which was nice........as I was able to answer and ask questions appropriately.  The doctor ordered an 8 mos. supply or something of the liquid that only is good for 5 weeks.........but the cost would be the same he said............not an approved substance for insurance and all that.

 

So I'll get more of the 150mg. tabs one of these days.  And pick up the armour thyroid stuff.........but now totally unsure on that or trusting my intuition on much of anything.  It's just the exhaustion and poor circulation to my feet at times.  Nothing conclusive as far as low thyroid.

 

That doctor is only in a couple of days a week now.......so should schedule for labs in 6 weeks.  Not sure if I will.  I don't really understand any of them anyway anymore and have been this way so long..........well, who knows?  What I will do.

 

A day off from HA, helper angel, yesterday, and she is certainly not going to get it either and go to bat for me because she can't.  Even having her I am now wondering about.........kind of lost the hope and excitement from all that now..........  She has a little dog named sweetie that she brings, her therapy dog she says.  Betsy cat just disappears and it's almost too much........her dog.  But I will give it another week or so........try to adapt.

 

Just another day........survival.........sure hope there is something left of me someday.

 

Thanks AliG.  And everybody still rooting.  Just makes me sob though.

[AliG]

Don't sob. M.  My husband's business partner , voluntarily liquidated our business , yesterday  because he was " mentally unsound " .  What a joke !  I was already struggling.  How do you deal with that ?

I was already having a bit of a hard time .

I give up !  It's laughable .  What can you do ?

Love , Ali.

[manymoretodays]

It was a short one, the sobs.........they are shorter and some days non-existent.  Yup.....got to move into laughter.  Which I did or have since the last post.  And oh.......great news.........you just live on through it........grow stronger in some convoluted fashion.

 

Love, manymoretodays

[manymoretodays]

Back to the lower proportion EPA/DHA marine fish oil frozen caps(pretty much what is listed in my signature proportion wise).

 

Still adjusting to HA, new helper angel who will be paid something eventually.  Oh, I got her gas tank filled and that meal so far for last week plus if she finds some junk here she can use....and I can part with.......it is hers.  But, will pay.  She is living on $700 or $800/mos. which is no small feat.   Angel Merlene still swoops on by as needed.

 

Associate(son) dropping by more often comfortably.  He got 2 raises so far..........so good.

 

New calendars.......day planner size and tracking size(as far as what works, getting more disciplined as far as records of this amazing adventure).

 

Bills almost up to date.  Overall budget pending and sometimes just have to wing it a bit.  I'm thinking I really have to get over this "moving from this home" by Spring of 2017 thing..........put it on a back burner for now, as it stresses me endlessly.  New home and sale now slated for 2018.........so what if I do that when I'm 60 or 61 years old.  Still going to work to clear and rid of many, many things...........with help.  Prayers asked for the roof, electrical, plumbing all to hold steady just a few years more.........spare me any more major expenses that would have to go on credit.

 

Not a whole lot of outings to report but coming soon I hope..........

 

I am going to live through this.

 

Most of today.........yay.........out of the dark side and into the more now.  Teeny tiny bit of resentment towards these slow, slow, ultraslow AD weaners who have more computer skills and get to be moderators so fast........as I just read that announcement.........but more power to them I say.........I really do..........I don't consider this a competitive sport.......yet........I obviously do.

 

Still debating on the armour thyroid with myself.........and would start real low.........just to see.  I think my wipe outs are really more food related.........energy flags, mental fog, feeling so heavy heavy in the limbs and such..........like a blood sugar drop...........hmmmm.........maybe.

 

Anyway........much gratitude today.

 

And thankyou especially Alto again and again and again for this site and the way it is managed.  As well as all the other moderators both now and later who always seem to jump in right behind me with such saving diplomacy and tact when I obviously don't have it, shouldn't have tried..........blah, blah, blah.  Forgive me others and newcomers for not jumping around and advising with what I just cannot as well.........but I'll be back with encouragements and good cheer when I can.

 

[manymoretodays]

New helper angel abandoned ship. She texted this morning and said she got a part time job and could no longer help. I , of course, took it very hard. Tough day today.

[Fresh]

It isn't personal MMT , this isn't something that's your fault.    In a way , it was a wonderful experience for you to be able to open your home to a helper-angel.

 

It takes strength of character to be able to recognize when we need help - I know it was a huge lesson in humility for me , very humbling.   And yet , a necessary part of my journey apparently.

(I had a girl come each day for about 2 weeks before I went to hospital.   It did change my behaviour - I tried to shower each day before she arrived , and she took me for a walk I couldn't do by myself , which got my mother off my back , lol).

 

It's okay to feel a little down.  I see more helper-angels in your future   .

 

The thyroid meds. are important if your thyroid isn't producing enough hormones on it's own. It affects so many systems in our bodies , and fatigue is the most common visible symptom.

 

Hang in there babe , spring is sprung !!

[manymoretodays]

Yup.  Tomorrow should be better.  Quiet Sundays around here.  Big trip to the pharmacy next week.

 

My reactions and reaction times generally are way off.  It just seemed like such a big deal.  So much for shaman friends intuition...........unless..............this bump was predetermined and really important somehow for something else.

 

Fresh, your post made me kind of wish my Mum was younger and could still travel.......she'd come and do her thing.

 

It might hit 70 degrees tomorrow and I have a new pair of reading glasses.

 

I guess I must be on one of those 6 month waves..........although it's only been 4 so far.

 

Stevie Wonder helped a bit........don't you worry bout a thing..........

[manymoretodays]

I got the trileptal liquefied again and started back on the approximately 68mg. dose last night.  Slept really well.  Much more peaceful inside today.  Will just hold there again for awhile.

 

Still so easy to get thrown so easy though.  Associate(son) spending the night tonight......just some minor difficulties with his Dad.  Which is fine.........even a comfort.

 

I kind of just hit this fog brain in the last hour.  Having a blender ful and probably an early night.

 

In any case..........this is better than that so I feel okay.  First payment in the mailbox for the A/C/furnace.  Bills are up to date.  Just proud of myself for doing a couple mini-things.  And thankful for such a peaceful day spirit and soul.........that sense that it's going to be okay somehow.  One worthwhile phone call that I took.  Weather is going to be 20 degrees down and I am even glad about that.

 

Life.  Celebrate.

 

Oh yah, Byron Katie this am.  Found a website with some free helps and really want to try to get a hold of one of her books.  I think that helped too.

[Altostrata]

Mark the calendar: A good day.

[manymoretodays]

.........and followed by March 22nd.........the day after the good day..............yowser............survived to see March 23rd however.  Possibly due to the 1/3 capsule of D3 and L-methyl resumed??

 

Did my therapy with therapist today and that helped........but going a bit better before that.

 

Thanks Alto.  Yes, the calendar!!!  Maybe even color coded.

[manymoretodays]

Drum roll please........

 

After a slow start to today........I managed to get on out briefly this evening.........socially too but with just one other.  Drove.  Yay.  May my success continue.

 

Still have to call AAA and get the flat off and spare on my car but the other one worked fine.

 

Happy Easter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[Fresh]

Hip Hop Happy Easter to you too MMT.   The drums are rolling here in Oz  .

[manymoretodays]

Well......I drove again on Tuesday and am just not going to worry about my car with the flat for awhile.  Prioritize just some more basic things that I need to do to keep going and not wind up behind on any bills.  Which is hard for several reasons that I will try to overcome.

 

My ex wants money now!  Deducted from my alimony.  To the tune of $2000.00.  Which he has justified somehow that I now reasonably owe him from expenses incurred around the associate's mishaps.  Plus the reasoning on my part that he is just freaking on out because his "contract job" ended earlier than he anticipated.    His plan has been to survive on retirement and whatever else he may have put aside.  The social security retirement for him should be pretty good as he has reported some pretty good incomes through a lot of years of his working life.  And he is 62.  But.......that doesn't start until June I think he said or wrote really.........he doesn't really tell me much in person anymore.

 

He did pay as usual this month but not sure what will happen come April or if we will be able to have some kind of give and take discussion on the matter.

 

So that all........although I took it in stride on day one...........freaks me out quite a bit.  It's very stressful and a bad surprise, surprise...........to try and deal with and hopefully negotiate on.  I think I made a point for him to consider though and maybe he'll get how hard that would be for me right now............given time............and just wanting the best outcome for all of us.........ex, associate son, and myself.............wanting us all to be hopeful and helpful to each other because I know that would be good for all of us.  However, still feeling a bit on the war zone sidelines trying to solve this with............the peaceful approach.........  and sheesh..........I need to have some money in reserves or savings...........so many things keep on coming up that take money to solve.

 

 

Doing okay overall with liquefied Trileptal/Oxcarbazepine.  Nine or ten days of the approximately 68 mg.  A 10 percent reduction from the 75mg. that I was on.  Still using the plastic urine cup and then a 10ml. syringe.  I mix the 150mg. tab with lukewarm tap water and do the swirling thing and it dissolves pretty good in 20ml.  Then I take 9ml.  Gives me 2 nights doses.  I get really close to 20ml.'s total when it's all mixed up so for this medication I think I am being accurate enough.  I don't think the ultra accuracy may be quite as important as for some of those slimey antidepressants both SSRI's and SSNRI's. 

 

I did try a couple days of 30mg. Armour Thyroid and no great outcomes there.  I'm not going to do it.  Mainly because I remembered that when I had some change in........I think the T6............that I was on Seroquel too.  Or it was shortly after I did a fair dose of it for awhile.   Seroquel altered quite a few labs or systems with me.  Zyprexa too.........woah baby...........pretty sure my liver should never have been exposed to the doses I was given and believing in as helpful.  So glad my liver enzymes normalized. 

 

Just going to write off some of the exhaustion as withdrawal for now..........and it's better..........most days............still off and on poor circulation in my feet.............that magically went away last summer so here is hoping.........  Anyway a lot of transient stuff.........doesn't last............and then overall decreasing intensities to the extremes of emotions............as long as nothing...........and I mean nothing............out of the ordinary comes up..............that is where I can get thrown all to  Melville hellville.    It IS hard to control incoming possibly healing thwarting things.  I figure I am past due for a break in out of the ordinary stuff messing with my progress so I feel it should be forthcoming.  My computer has gone out twice now too..........comes back...........hallelujah.........and I am just hoping it's somehow due to weather or time changes or something and magically keeps going well for awhile.  So.........I think I should keep trying to journal.........and continue to post infrequent and then try for better summaries or just long posts.  We'll see.

 

Weather is icky but nice in that regard.  Hail, snow, rain...........winter is saying goodbye in it's usual way.  April is never totally Spring/early summer like either but we get more days strung together with niceness and comfort and sunshine.

 

The best part of since I last posted is this Easter Lily I had Angel Merlene pick up for me before Easter.  It now has 4 blooms with just one left to go and smells so so so good and refreshing.  I also aim to drink more of my Tazo Passion(African Red they used to call it when Starbuck's used to carry it.......I don't really support Starbuck's politically very much though as I am more for the independent coffee shop type places and don't even like the taste of their coffee)..............back to the African Red Passion tea though.........I read here it might have some MAOI type of antidepressant odd effects so it might be kind of homeopathic in bringing me back to a better attitude and window and what we all hope for.  I have some Kava tea from long ago...............and even trying a bit of that..........diluted with other teas and stuff.........I will definitely hold on for now.

 

Pretty rambly.........but helpful..........thanks.

[manymoretodays]

I ate my Easter Lily.  It was yummy.

 

April Fools!

 

Do you think it would be okay to eat part of it though?  That was the first thing I said when I got it......  I'll google to find the official name of it and then go look it up maybe.  Might be toxic to humans or something.

 

I finished off a lot of chocolate this week too.  It really was kind of worth it.  Cadbury eggs and Hershey's.  I wish more cacao products were cheap and available.  I have to find more low glycemic snacks to eat throughout the day.  Those weren't them but I had a craving.

 

Consistenly can manage a couple good hours every day now..........I mean just feeling relaxed with my mind at ease.  Awesome Springlike today and I have to go check out streams and see if they are flowing yet.  I hope so.

[AliG]

Happy Easter  , M .             

[manymoretodays]

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.  Healing I hope.  Man oh man.........I don't know if I am the provoked or the provoker.  Just musing to myself.

 

I have to say the anger is easier than the despair but I sooooo want to feel neutral.  That's if it's even anger.  Just such a low tolerance for other people right now.  Mixed with worry about just about everything.  And some people get so darn mean.  I just get annoying and repetitive I think......trying to drive home my point, which is an annoying point for others I guess.  I can't be totally docile because then I seem to go helpless.  Sheesh!  And I used the feck word.......well actually told her.........feck you...........that felt great..........may or may not get received with a smile though. 

 

Buddah never talks like that or does he?  He must.  Casper does too.  It's not any Lord's name taken in vain anyway.  Dear Merlene is busy with conference.......the semi annual long haul set of sermons and such for the Mormon's.......plus I try not to interrupt her weekend activities unless somehow I am much worse and I'm not.  I accidentally found it on tv and it's not my religion........and just started to get concerned about some of their biases and how they don't talk about them and how it really is hard for some who were raised that way and then make choices that aren't condoned in hardly any religions.  So.......I don't know about organized religion.........if I can find a way to only partially go with any one religion anymore.  I was pretty comfortable being totally non denominational but with a good bit of Lutheran in my bones and open to other spiritual things.........so.........I will be again.

 

I often feel like a hypocrite though.  Finding middle ground is tough.

 

Just trying to get tired out.  The tv is so bad tonight and I got into it again on another forum.  So..........I know I am part of that problem and my only solution is to withdraw because I can't try and explain myself over and over.

 

So despair hit around noon and it was a bummer and not expected as I started the day so hopeful.  And now it's like anger but not all revved up in the body at all.  Contemplating doing chores but I think I'll wait.  I had someone else offer to keep me company tomorrow and I think I should brave it and take him up on the offer.  This being alone too much isn't helping.  Give it a try.  Laugh at it.  Wish me luck.  Just a very old friend, not in age so much but time..........still I feel hesitant but will try.  I kind of have to.  Missed therapy on Weds. because I was lost in sobbing and had to take flight.  I just can't see paying to sob is the problem.  I did pay bills and the checkbook balanced but more to do along those lines.  Was so proud of myself for doing that too.  Associate son came by and was fine........just getting his papers to do his taxes.  I just have to double check.........pretty sure I don't have to file this year again and easy to figure out.  So that shouldn't be bothering me. 

 

Ugh......urka.........wish me sleep.  Hope this is some strange healing pattern too.

 

Oh yah.......and then I don't know for sure but just an awful predicament with a possible travel in May.  Something though that I need to do nothing about now or later...........just see what happens.........if there is an actual invite coming or not.  I kind of hope there will be but have to wait.  I refuse to go first and express interest and it seems rather complicated and puts me, I think, into another predicament.  Complicated.  And I am being intentionally vague so don't ask.  Or maybe I am over complicating it because that is also what I do really well.  Hope it just gets simpler.

 

Goodnight.

 

To reiterate to myself-  This is just a strange funky doodle healing pattern and I can simplify what I am over complicating.

 

Sleep is going alright too........generally a stretch of 5 hrs. and then some after.

 

I am doing just fine.  Just fine.  In this what feels like singular journey to the next level window and then..........it's going to last quite awhile.

 

I know it's okay to talk to myself here and encourage myself and it helps.

 

Thank you again mateys. 

[manymoretodays]

Budgie smugglers.  Okay.  Note to self.  Smugglers not smudgies!  Lol Ang.  

 

Restorative sleep is good now for 2 nights running.  Eight hours.........woah.  Not sure why......now.........back to the real sublingual B12 I think and a mini dose of the L-methyl? 

 

Made it to therapy, did the back up plan, so did it with a little help from a friend.  And that's okay with me.  Independence isn't all it's knocked up to be.  Pulled pork for lunch with some asian seasonings.  We sat outside to eat and it all was very nice.

 

Still avoiding the blood letting at the only Dr. I might go see and holding on the Armour.  68mg. liquified Trileptal(generic of course) seems to have settled so there I will stay until the month of May.  I got more Barlean's omega 3's so won't skip a beat on that either. 

 

Due for a teeth cleaning and most definitely hair by early May.

 

My morning weight today is back to normal as well!!!!  A bit pumped about that. 

 

So.........so...........a nice healing interlude.

 

My kefir craving is intense and I didn't buy anymore when I got the Barlean's as it was way pricey versus the deals at the regular grocer.  I suspect I could make my own somehow..........something to look into.  Put honey and fresh organic stuff into it.  Doing the sipping on the magnesium citrate seems to help too.......I should probably squeeze some lime in there too.

[manymoretodays]

A big maybe on making kefir.  I'll investigate further at the health food store.  Look at their books there and ask around if the good clerks are there.  Apparently working there is worse than the post office.  I talked to my mail carrier not long ago.......and he's been on my route since before I was even here.  37 years he said.  He's pretty well programmed and easy going.  Back to kefir.........  you buy culture starts and then put it in milk or coconut water.  I don't do too well with the coconut water but wondering on the milk if I did skim without the fat and then did it by the quart.  Maybe with buttermilk?

 

The premade has ultra long expiration dates so I may just buy it in somewhat bulk.  I probably only need it for a little while again.  Truly, one does have to listen and experiment based on best interpretation of one's own body.

 

April 7th......a Thursday.  I'm going to deep water the yew bushes I think.  I hope they don't arrest me for using the culinary water spigots.  The pressurized isn't on yet.  Oh, the yews are not budding but seem to be growing new needles and I think they like all the extra air circulation they now are getting.  I think they look interesting at this point and no deer in site........they migrated up again.

[manymoretodays]

I noticed that there is "Benzowise" person listed near me.  I don't think he is an M.D. 

 

So I am thinking I may make a call to him even though benzo's play a minimal part in my withdrawal.........but just to see what this person might have to offer.

 

Any thoughts on this anyone else?

 

I think I've been in withdrawal now since about 2001-2003 or thereabouts.  The first and worst since I had no idea....... was coming off a MAOI AD which I think I was on for close to 10 years.  Of course for years the CT withdrawal from that(Dr. supervised) was treated by giving me more diagnoses and medications.  Anyway.......a different kind of withdrawal when one is still trusting of the medical system.  I kind of don't expect many knew or much had been written about the dangers of psych. meds. then.........more than a decade ago.  Just musing here.  So it does make it hard to be angry with some of my original providers......

 

Had a nice talk with the triple A.......automobile representative and can get my usual car on the road soon........at least get the flat tire repaired.  It helped save an otherwise pretty yucky day.........Saturday went well enough.......mainly because I felt like I had a reason to challenge myself.

 

I also felt supported reading about neuroemotions again.

[manymoretodays]

Tuesday went okay.  I got to therapy by myself in my own beloved car.  I was late though........40 lashes........    Therapist had a bee in her bonnet, I felt.  She could not just celebrate my huge success.......she had to harp on how I did on last weeks assignment........which I had completely forgotten about........most of it.........so I grossly simplified this weeks assignment.  I could go get it done now.

 

Gave the kid(full grown adult child associate sometimes) a ride too........  Sometimes he has wisdom.  I think he was exhausted from all his pressing duties.  Literally.  He works at a dry cleaner but they get tons of regular laundry jobs from the wealthy types.  So no great wisdom obtained.  I'm trying to pin him down for his birthday to do something good.......it's arriving soon.

 

My best idea.......so far today........is to give up on doing my own garden and try and find a community garden to just labor in with others.  I wonder if I can find such a thing not too far away.

 

Also very nice yesterday and great to be out and about.  All the other drivers......including me........were all relaxed and smiling.  Today cloudy and hopefully Spring rains.

[manymoretodays]

Suitably humbled.  And honestly thankful for all of you.........great moderators and Alto Strata too!  So much to learn.  Good role models.

 

Thank you all for all the hard work.  And patience with me.

[manymoretodays]

Got out again in the less beloved car but did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I was starting to wonder if I could again.

 

I have to do it again tomorrow because it is still not easy..........withdrawal agoraphobia and poor sleep again.  Sky high fear of everything that hits me from time to time.

 

I did it though.  I did it.  Yay me.

 

Green out and cool and cloudy with still some precipitation..........maybe sweat lodge tomorrow............I could use a push getting there though............calling all good thoughts to help me get there as I am pretty sure it would do me good...........

 

Time to settle in for a couple of DVD's now, clean the catbox, maybe do yoga poses or pace.......I am really jumpy.

[Fresh]

Good for you MMT. If it were easy it wouldn't be worth celebrating , right?

 

Each time you overcome the blocks and do what you choose , you're winning!

 

[manymoretodays]

Less jumpy.  Going to be living on $174.00 US dollars less a month.  Hopefully for just a few months.  I am not that broke that it should bother me and did well with the whole conversation after a written explanation from the man who used to be my husband for many years.  I best check in again with him..........he has this tendency to do some pretty negative forecasts for himself and often all others, if given too much time to be alone with his thoughts.  Which he does have now, even with his roommate situation with our son.

 

No sweatlodge today but finishing the second movie while simultaneously glancing at the headlines and devouring the Arts section of what may be one of my last more local papers.  I think I'll see if I can do the Sunday NYTimes for less.  They have really cut paper publishing down to the minimum, while raising rates.............and I said to myself awhile back that I would continue to be a loyal customer until the bitter end of newspapers as we used to know them...........unfortunately that may be now.

 

The good part of the above is that I have been able to do more focused reading for longer periods..........and news no less..........which is pretty great.  Retention of read material I think might be improving too.  Just a wee dose of the L-methyl seems to help.  About 1/8 of a 1000mcg. capsule.  So will stay with that. 

 

Weather nice as the wind has mellowed and sunshine off and on.  Maybe I do still have time to do a raised small garden..........and money enough too.  I might go a bit  overboard if I go to the organic garden place though........I mean buying stuff from red worms to seeds or starts, as well as some trials of deer proofing it all somehow.  Lot's of redos to do outside in anycase......maybe I can just scatter a few vegies in other places around the yard.......a risk though that I may never get to eat the produce myself that way though.

 

The Yews may get some of their red berries soon......I think I see the buds for those and isn't it kooky how mother nature works..........I think they really appreciated the thinning.  Hopefully just one or two resident deer will return for a visit.  I want the one with the broken antler to stop on by soon.  Hop on up on the front porch again.  My visiting cat whose coloring matches Betsey Ross's is now in heat........ugh........Betsey could care less but that calling sound.......ugh..........not quite ready to take him/her  to his owner and tell them about the cheap "quick fix" place........but I will.

 

Oh.......guitar time.........have to move me guitar on out in the main area again so I do some more practice, take it on out on the porch even or patio.  I really do have a hacky sack too to play with.......put in my bag..........you know........social opener.........lol.  However, I hope I don't feel the need to go competitive with it........more fun to just watch others get involved.