☼ manymoretodays: off many years of many medications

[manymoretodays]

Therapy today.

 

What next?  LOL.  I don't want to go.  Still kind of radically accepting willfulness but may be going too far with it.  I'm not fully embracing it mind you, just aware.  Resisting this great change that wants in.

 

Tuesday morning.  I best see what the birds have to say.

 

And okay.......back up plan now in place.  Will go to therapy today.  Ugh.  Permission for a small nap granted even.

 

Later........laundry and yard work.  I will multitask and do at least one thing towards each of those efforts.  Maybe.

[manymoretodays]

Too late to add to.

 

I called the "benzowise" local person.  He is a N.D.  Naturopathic Doctor.  Specializing in bioidentical hormones.  What.  I asked if he worked with anyone suffering withdrawal from psychiatric medication.  The receptionist didn't have a clue.  They don't take medicare but do take bluecross blueshield which is my add on.  So I think next I need to call insurance.........one should never do that on a Monday though.  It would be totally un affordable without.

 

I also called my car insurance to try and get any discount on my other car now.  No younger people driving it.  I think there should be a decrease in the premium that is due soon with no 26 year old and under drivers.

 

Very difficult though.  I found it very difficult to make those calls and communicate what I was asking about.

 

No nap yet.  I'm just winging it for another hour and then I will get ready to go by noon or so.  Maybe a nap or a shower next.  I'm very clean though as I still do a lot of soaking in the tub.  I am thinking more along the lines that it would shift my perspective a bit.

 

These starting hours to my days aren't always this bad.  Only when I really have to force my way out to do something that I want to do but sort of don't want to but then realize I must.

 

Tuesday.  April 19th.  10 am or so here in paradise. 

[manymoretodays]

Calls were made on Monday. 

 

Made it to therapy and back.  With help.  In a lot of pain..........physical, emotional, spiritual.  I might be done with therapy.

 

Warmer today outside.  Freezing now.

 

Withdrawal.

 

Deflect.

[direstraits]

hang on,mmt...thinking of you....xoxo

[manymoretodays]

I will. I have plenty to review...from this therapist. She was good. Back I'll go one day or not. She helped me. Taught me a lot of new dance steps.....in this dance of life.

[manymoretodays]

N.D. not covered(naturopath) but decent opthamologist(per local person review) is.  Cheap thrill........is covered as long as medical necessity or doing the forms right.

 

So next I can invest in some decent all around glasses.  That probably rules out any cool supplies for an average vegie garden.

 

That call went okay.  I failed at my self administered warm line test call as I still am not effectively listening.  She got frustrated with me and wanted to be heard.

 

Freedom, independence feels okay at the moment.  Processing yesterday still..........

[manymoretodays]

Just some prayers or positive intentions please........very rough couple of days...........  Not so sure anymore that Spring is going to help much.

 

Thank you.

[manymoretodays]

Okay......that helped.  Spring rains/reigns.

[manymoretodays]

I am here to note post #585 on my introduction and.............drum roll please, once again...........one year, yes that's right............today marks one year for me on the site. 

 

And healing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Thank you everybody.........still learning.

 

I do still believe in that universal strength that can be found in others.  Keep rooting for me in other words.

 

Gifts and cash donations as well as all manner of maids, car people, house people, grounds people, and encouragement people are welcome.  Some exclusions apply. 

[AliG]

 ManymoreTodays.  Congratulations .    You are healing and have come such a long way. I hope it continues exponentially . 

Hugs,

Ali 

[manymoretodays]

Friday, the 13th has turned out pretty well.  Correlates with the 2 year mark of a loved ones suicide find.  And yes, no doubt in my mind that the cessation, CT of Cymbalta, had something to do with it........of course it's complicated......but we need so badly so much more in the way of mental health care.

 

I have gone down again on the trileptal so now at 60mg. for a couple more weeks I think. 

 

It continues tough.......the associates injuries sustained a couple weeks ago, of course, hit me hard........although he got hit harder.  Took a fall into a ravine while camping.......he did........it was wet and slippery from rains and he fell 10 or 15 feet, with a loss of consciousness and pretty severe gash extending down into his forehead.  CT scan and stitches.  He got on back to work after a couple of days.  Some drinking involved........ooof........and on we go.........

 

I've been pretty low overall to boot but of course, hanging in, hanging on........maybe will get to a training next week of the peer variety.

 

I have had a good few hours now of faith and hope restored.........and so thankful for that, as well as a few helpful and good support friends.  My current hope.......somewhat fleeting........but would be to play a part in some kind of Soteria House or respite of another kind for a few someday.  Do some movement or art or writing with those served as well as some of this stuff.......safely reducing medications or educating in that way.

 

Almost a year now off that low dose methamphetamine salts started in Oct. of 2014.......which was also when I went from 3mg. liquid Lexapro to CT.........so that is 19 mos. ago.

 

Manymore todays of good luck and fortune and continued healing to all.

 

Oh, trying to work my way off of so much internet time is getting there.......slowly but surely.  Might try a regular old support group soon, some more AA, and get on back to therapy.........  The weather is still shifty but warm and sunny for a few which does help.  I've got to get my walking legs going..........

[manymoretodays]

Soooo........I called the warm line a few days ago.  I really just wanted some help/kind words/wisdom to help me seize that day while going through my usual morning struggle..........which is better today........yay!  The morning struggle is better today or improved or something.  The sun is out and I am in, at least a temporary.......really green paradise(I am in a desert mountain state).  I wish I had a lake or pool on my premises for the hotter temperatures that will be coming........

 

The warm line for those of you not in the know is a non crisis mental health line you can call here.

 

Bad ju- jube or something on that though.

 

I got _____.  And apparently she does know me to some extent, which is fine.........sort of..........I mean I think it is still confidential/anonymous as far as the people who work there and what they hear and know around each individual caller.  I also think they are in the same room or close proximity to the crisis line folks and that sometimes they discuss us callers.  Not much I can do on that, right?  I never gave my name though so they must have some kind of phone # identifier.  Anyway.......she went into the "got to keep trying the meds.......blah, blah, blah thing" and I wasn't even frantic, crying, or really distressed just a bit frustrated with self.  And then she said the WORDS........"you are not listening, can you just listen to me?".  Urgatroid!!!!!!  "No, saying this now........I can't listen to that kind of ?hyperbole anymore"..........  So then I hung up.......rather abruptly.  And then next I called back to apologize for hanging up abruptly and this is when............okay now.......hold on to your hats............she suggested ECT............triple URGATROID!!!!!!!!!.........to which I responded.......Oh my God........wish I said Oh my goodness.........you can see I HAVE become limited in my responses due to over internet usage.  Oh well.  Might call today just to report my improvement.  (and okay an edit here......I do not need to do that......this I know).  Oh.....this all came after the part where she asked if I was seeing my therapist.......which, yah, of course, I will get back to my therapist........as soon as I am assured it will be a more working relationship or that I am ready for that again......which frankly, I just have not been.  I can cry in emotional pain on my own.  The budget......oh, the budget.......as well as forcing myself when I can't be forced come into play........if/hope that makes sense.

 

Yes, I am getting out and starting to take care of things.  Beloved car costs were $777.00.......oh my, but on the good end it overheated just blocks away from the repair place where I had taken my most recent flat tire.  Right cooling fan plus some other........  Shaman friend says the $777.00 must be a good omen.  Okay.....I will accept his interpretation.  And.....not out of money.........yet.......fingers crossed.......and maybe should sell the associates car???  Well, my car now........needs a bit more thought and input though......as it's handy for clearance purposes, reliability, etc.  Sad though......as I thought I had some extra cash to play with a bit........however, I WILL figure out this low budget life and downsizing and all that.......and I am recovering now from not so much "empty nesting" as acceptance of my dear adult child's(associate's) decisions and plans.  ----and injuries......he is healing okay though.  I purchased an expensive cream for him yesterday which will hopefully lead to scar reduction in time.

 

Life goes on during withdrawal......like it or not.......it does......I really doubt any of us get to do it in a complete capsule of time.

 

I did find something interesting that I read online this morning too.  Kind of a historical perspective on NAMI here in the States.....as well as some changes occurring circa 2013 I think.   They had Robert Whitaker at a convention one year........Wow.  It was mostly some of the stuff in the comments that WAS helpful.......at least to me........in seeing the various presentations and ideas and hopefully a learning experience for me as well on how to be more balanced and tactful when addressing our issue.  Or knowing when to hold my hand of cards silently or when to use to be helpful.

 

Okay......I promised myself a sunbath this morning so I am over and out now.........I hope.  

 

Thank you again.......for the space, for the if you do read and it helps in any fashion......it does help me......I want to start or should I say.........still struggling to get some private writing or typing done.  You may pray or encourage on that, as I know that will be good for me, and I know I have a story to get down over time or some lyrics or poetry or something.......

[manymoretodays]

Well.....I did call the warm line again yesterday.......just to hear a voice really and see how I could do conversationally........and.........got the same ______ person.  I am proud to announce it went well and I asked if I sounded more desperate than I felt........that she would say all the stuff she did..........come to find out, well I don't know but maybe she is new there and just not wanting to risk the possible if she doesn't go by the book advice she might lose someone or something.  Anyway that all worked out well enough.......I mean maybe even it was meant to be.........that we would find our peace with each other.  So that was good.

 

Today though.  Good day.  Sunday can sometimes do that to me.......easier to let go of stuff temporarily or something.......not a given on every Sunday but it was today.  Maybe the sipping of the 300mg. Mag. Citrate in a liter of water when I started feeling dark or anxious........I think I got about half of it down.  Maybe the couple of conversations by phone that went well.........I felt understood and connected versus misunderstood and disconnected.  I also did a 1/3 of a 1000 mcg. capsule of L-methylfolate for the 2nd day in a row.

 

Read a whole fiction book in a day too.  Finished it yesterday.  I mean I have some focus back again.  I almost feel like yelling.......CLEAR......like before one puts the defibrillator paddles on a victim..........but for CLEAR er thinking.  Praise the Lord.......lol.......may it last......and less tearful breakthroughs......less intensity of all this sheeeet.........sorry but man....... this has been a toughie long stretch.

 

Oh and a 3rd by phone.......checking with my ex......for an update of his status as well as asking for his input on how he thought the associate son was.........and I did almost perfect........forgot to ask about his tax bill that last time we talked he thought could lead to prison(nonsense thinking on his part)..........but anyway........that was good to check someone else's status......felt good, went well.  Just not one of those exes one can walk completely away from.........not with our associate not being "there" yet.  I mean we both love him to itty bits and pieces.

 

Anyway......good, good day.  Very hopeful feeling to sleep on.  May the force continue to be with me.  Finally.  It's about time!

[manymoretodays]

Ugh.  Better day........ then worse day persists.........I just can't get a string of the better days lined up yet.  Yesterday......Ugh.  Today I just know is going to be fine.

 

I had to miss the training I was going to go to last friday.  Good thing.......it's not racking me with guilt.  Bad thing.......it's going to be hard to find all the CEU's, I need 20 by the end of October for my peer certification.  Medium thing.........there is plenty online though...........it's just that the trainings or conferences knock off much more hours all in one day.  And then there there is my Nursing licensure due by the end of Jan. 2017.  30 hrs. Continuing Ed.   But I just order a manual or two and then take the test and mail in answer sheet........cheapest option I have found(Western Schools).  Definitely want to stay licensed until after I turn 60.  Put a lot of time and energy into that career and master's studies..........it may not be over until it's over, as they say.........I haven't actually practiced as a professional Nurse for pay for over a decade now (and could not keep up my pediatric Nurse practitioner license).  Oh well.  New stuff on it's way I hope as far as interests and passions and just some income earning.

 

Found some helpful stuff here posted recently too.......hopeful stuff..........versus all the health anxiety I have/had been feeling.

 

So thanks.........definitely hanging in more than hanging on tightly today. 

[mammaP]

Hi MMT, its good to see that you are improving, it takes time but every day is one day closer to being better and I'm glad you are hanging in there . 

[manymoretodays]

You too mammaP.  Thank you for your post.  You too.

[manymoretodays]

One year here today!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

Plus having one of my better days overall..........sooooo..........a slight 10 percent further drop in the trileptal should bring it to 54mg. (am going down 10 percent every 2 weeks when I am doing well enough......as per a suggestion awhile back)

 

Meanwhile W/D symptoms specific to the trileptal......maybe.......as who knows...........that feeling of feet(occaisionally whole leg) and sometimes hands going "to sleep"........I can shake them out of it pretty quickly and don't get the "pins and needles" type feeling when they "wake up".  Tinnitus- comes and goes, not constant.  Weird and mild headaches.....just weird as they are in different areas when they occur and usually resolve without me resorting to any OTC meds.  Some of that lightheadedness/dizzy verging on vertigo but not quite.  My balance in general may be a bit off.......just general body balance.  Mental stuff..........hmmmm.......I will be thinking if any firm W/D mental........since I started tapering........a big maybe probably..........as I'm just a year off the salts and 19 mos. or so off the Lexapro so hard to know for sure.

 

Anyway.......if Skyler reads or anyone else who has come off a similar to Trileptal type drug.............just wondering at what point to just quit?  I am way below any ? "therapeutic or prescribed" level now.........or anyone else with experience........I would be thankful for your input.  I am sure sick of the mixing and measuring and all that.......but I can keep at it..........

[Altostrata]

Pins and needles might be from sitting at computer and typing too much.

 

There is no such thing as a "therapeutic" dose, that's a drug company fiction. If you get withdrawal symptoms, you need to taper.

[manymoretodays]

And ha ha Alto.......how did you know that's when it often occurs?  But true.  As well as when I am just sitting in general.......be it reading a book or watching a movie or whatever.

 

I guess that means time to get in more motion more often.

 

Yup, I totally agree on your thought on the "therapeutic" dose!  Back when I was in it so heavily.......the prescribed medication drugging I used to ask......on several occasions that I remember........"can't you just prescribe a placebo and tell me how it is going to make my life easier"............they never did.  I guess that goes without saying but.........I repeat.........they never did!  Could have saved me a whole lot of distress and dis ease...........they could have........not to mention money and life changing experiences.......some not so great.

 

Thank you for your input.  Alto replied!!!!!!!!!!!   Altostrata replied!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Boy oh boy I'm having a great day.

 

.................

[scallywag]

mmt - I read a really interesting book about the placebo effect. Cure: a journey into the science of the mind by Jo Marchant. I was able to borrow it as an ebook from my local library.

[manymoretodays]

Hey thanks scallywag.  Was the book helpful or inspirational?  I can check at my library if they have it available.

 

I just noticed I got to the gold star on my years anniversary here.  That's kind of cool.

 

It's morning.  I slept.  Went to bed tearful and woke up the same.  Wish me luck making something out of this what looks like beautiful day.  I really want to crawl back under the covers again though.  The rest of my should have "to do" list seems overwhelming to even start again.......this is nothing new.  Ugh......will try a walk......eventually........even the shortest walk ever or maybe when I get going I can keep going and I will feel something happier.  Can you say anhedonia?  I found myself reading here and found that.........aptly describes it.

[manymoretodays]

Pffft......fixed signature a little.......my recent decrease.  So tired of my errors.  Nothing doing day.  Tomorrow better.  Somehow it felt okay as I HAVE made some minimal progress......  Tomorrow better or may be able to get something done, anything....... this evening.  Thankful for the predictable(usually) clearing that early evening brings.  Calm.

 

Tis tough though.....I still miss the me of not long ago......entertaining myself......feeling free er somehow writing it all out.  I sure hope a new phase is on the horizon.  Everything now seems so patchwork.......probably doesn't make sense except to me.

[manymoretodays]

Blivet.  Bettah day.  Oh so much bettah day!

 

Back in Paradise!

 

More later if this is the start of a window.  Must scribble in journal first.

[manymoretodays]

Nope, it didn't last......paradise and all that.  It'll be a push just to shower today.  Weak and fatigued.  Eat and rest.  

 

I can read books now and write stuff down once in awhile.  With a pen......on paper.

My car runs.

The sprinklers seem to work.

The cat is not throwing up.

I only cry in short bursts.

Only a few more bills to pay.

The computer works okay.

Maybe manana bettah.

 

Kind of a gratitude list.

 

Got out yesterday, felt pretty normal.  Nice lunch.  New restaurant I had never been to before.

A couple of friends.

Faith.

Maybe can find a show I missed last night to watch.

Warmer but not enough to turn on the A/C yet.

Hey.....I have A/C and a car and a house and a cat........could be worse.

[manymoretodays]

Clearer and bettah once again.  Yesterday went well.  Hoping today too........

 

Picnic ed

Streams are running very high and lovely

Connected really well with a neighbor and had a fun talk

Connected with my living community/neighbors and such

Ate a lot of protein and greens

Walked!!

Somethings lifted.....yay......Casper surely helped

 

Hey, can we commence training again??

 

Maybe for a swim today.......I wish the pool I access was outside.......but okay.......a swim is a swim and I can catch a glimpse of the sky through the windows.  A friend told me I should swim in one of the lakes in the canyon or the reservoir..........are you kidding?........said I..............icy, icy water that takes my breath away and temporarily stops my heart beat..........geeze I wish I was younger or had a comfy full body wetsuit to swim in..........  

[manymoretodays]

Mild left hip pain has turned to fairly severe in the night.........so pretty interrupted sleep and pain and some difficulty walking......more pain whenever I get up or down, do steps, etc.

 

I resorted to 600mg. of ibuprofen last night and managed maybe 3 hours of uninterrupted pain free sleep.

 

Just great.......pffft.

 

I only walked for about 15 to 20 minutes the other day.......nothing at all strenuous.

 

I did try to do some basic range of motion type stuff when the pain wasn't so bad yesterday.......maybe it made it worse?  As it became severe at bedtime.

 

As always........hoping for the best.  I'll try a magnesium bath and soak and another dose of ibuprofen today.  And maybe it will be gone tomorrow?  And just try, try, try to keep from going into all my fear thoughts about it..........re: arthritis, osteo, bone spurs......whatever........ chronic physical demise and limited mobility...........sheesh........enough already Casper!!

 

Ideas welcome of course as to how to manage now.......  I figure the ibuprofen would have been better not taken but was so tired and in so much pain........seemed okay to do so.  I suppose if it keeps up I can find some way to get to some Dr. next week.  Maybe I can try a nurse line or something today.   I considered ice but that seemed to be too much to pull together and still does.

 

Feeling suitably un optimistic, a bit helpless and dependent once again........my mind just hasn't been suitably trained yet to make the best of it all........ anyway.........might as well keep on rambling with words.......not sure it helps anymore.........spiraling down into what my reality may be.  I was so hopeful I could get going physically and that would help all the rest.  I do know that I will use my discernment when it comes to........if I even make it to a Dr., and as far as what they may offer besides some arbitrary diagnosis.  Just feeling really low and aged and tired.......

 

I never have done well with anything physical, as far as pain or limitations.  I guess now is my big chance to do something besides just cocoon away.  And darn it........the tears have started flowing now..........I really thought they were gone other than the end of day self pity that I had been working to overcome.

 

Probably enough said........If I can neutralize I can see how it goes heading on out to an AA mtg. and finding gratitude.  A bit.......and I do note uberly concerned about getting up and down from my seat in the car(pain hurts) and tearfulness around others.........I will try to be bold however in trying for an outing...........I could even go up the canyon and sob next to a noisy stream or something and get some much needed nature healing in.  Wish me luck........as I am not certain at this moment whether I will fold or not..........sink into it.......lose track of time somewhat and all that............

 

[brassmonkey]

Hi MMT-- I'm sorry to hear that you're sliding back down again.  I did notice that the way you talk about it the process sounds very similar to an "Anger Spiral", which is something I've been dealing with for years.  I wrote a long post to Cymbalawithdrawal7300 the other day and will repost it here for you. Maybe it will give some insight into how to handle what you're going through.

 

"Hey CW.  Yea, I made up the term. I've been a technical writer for years so everything needs a descriptive title.  I've written about it several place I think I even copied some of the posts into my intro thread, but I usually tailor them to the particular threat I'm on.  There are pretty much four steps: 1) identify that it's happening, 2) defuse the situation, 3) change the channel, 4) go on with life.

 

Identifying the situation can be hard at first because it's very natural to fall into the spiral.  A person needs to go through the entire cycle several times to identify the pattern and understand the progression.  I find that I am several minutes into the pattern before I realize that it's happening again. Learning what ones triggers are is a good place to start and previsualizing situations where those triggers might occur.  That way a person can "keep on guard" when those situations arise. It's frequently the little things that set it off.  Getting cut off in traffic, a coworkers off comment, someones tone of voice.  When a spiral has ended I try to go back and coldly analyse it to see what the trigger was for future reference.

 

Defusing the situation is very important especially in "confrontations".  This is a matter of self preservation because things have a bad habit of escalating to violence, and that has a lot of ramifications.  The person who is angry is often deemed the "bad guy".  The one who hits first is always in the wrong, and the like. Because we're in the anger spiral that put us in the center of things and according to society we have to "control our selves".  So finding ourselves in a bad situation caused by our anger spiral we have to take control and make things right.  Trying to talk out way out of it won't work, the spiral is in control making it so we can't think clearly.  The best bet is to just walk away. It is much better to be seen as rude than violent.  Turn, walk away, relax, regroup and if necessary reapproach the subject from a different angle (work related things you just can't get out of) otherwise drop it and move on.

 

The key aspect of the anger spiral is ruminating thoughts.  Once the trigger happens it sets off of series of mental events that build out of control. There is the initial trigger which is frequently followed with a small flash of anger and then dropped.  A few minutes later the ruminating kicks in with an "I should have..." followed closely by "that's like when....." "those b******s" "I always get treated like this..."  all these thoughts swirling around and compounding each other.  This builds until there is an explosion.  Changing the channel at "I should have..." is the best way out, but it can be done effectively at any point in the spiral.  As soon as one realizes that the spiral is happening changing the channel is called for. I frequently use a stern "don't go there" close my eyes, deep breath and concentrate on what I'm doing.  While distracted I do deep breathing and progressive relaxation to regain control of my body.  I can take several tries to get control back and I need to keep an eye on things so the spiral doesn't try to sneak in several hours later.  This is the part that takes a lot of practice but with time becomes second nature and very effective.

 

Once the spiral has been broken it is best to just go on with life.  The event happened, it was controlled, it's in the past, move on.  Later, after things have had a while to calm down, the situation can be reviewed in a rational manner to understand how it progressed and what worked to defuse it.  It now becomes a learning situation.  During this analysis it is important to use a cold eye so as to avoid retriggering the spiral.

 

Hope that helps CW."

[manymoretodays]

Thank you Brass Monkey.  Going to just have a quiet indoor day........crossword puzzle beckons.  I will reread again later........in the meantime diffuse the confrontation with myself........try to get a grip on this type of trigger.  Maybe out later. 

[manymoretodays]

Well.....in my case it's anything that signals some premature breakdowns in my body........which then lead to the thoughts of it's never going to get better.....all the lingering W/D stuff........then a general pity party really.  Not so much anger but the stuff above could apply to other emotions.  Maybe increased frustration for me.  And sometimes.......certainly anger outward.......I mean anger inward is self pity or disgust or something like that.  Unjustified.... either way it seems to go.........I don't really know how it could have been any different for me.......all the years medicated and my errors in more CTing than not.  It's going to be okay if I can just attitude shift more readily.......it is.....it will be.

 

I thought I should point out also......in case Alto comes by.........that the other thing where my hands or lower legs get numbish but I can shake it out.........there are no pins and needles feelings........just the numbing type stuff........no pins and needles.  Still though........W/D.......I am healing.  My mantra.  W/D.........I am healing.

 

Got fairly obsessed again though......on and off the computer way too much again, today........must be the ibuprofen, eh? 

 

No outings either.  Will push manana.  Casper will help.  Brass Monkey if you come back by.........doing the best I can again with AA for my herb relapse.  I have a few weeks now and am really kind of proud of it.......or humbled.  It just was no good anymore........making stuff worse........but I will also strive for being alcohol free as well.......can't remember the date of my last beer or any alcohol btw.........probably a few mos............try for at least a year..........for both..........a day at a time of course.......a day at a time.........and try to fight my too much time at the desktop computer as well.........sheesh..........make it hard for myself.........but that's what they say.......lose one addiction/habit...........and if not careful.......so easy to find or pick up a new one.  I will just hopefully find a healthier W/D friendly habit.........  Anyway.......going to do the steps........I mean it's really kind of faith and action based too........right up my alley.

 

Rambling......courtesy of ibuprofen I guess.

 

Finally rubbed some coconut oil on my affected hip.......it helps........amazing coconut oil and it's anti inflammatory actions.  I hope it yields me some pain free sleep tonight too!

[manymoretodays]

Hey......

 

There is a new "Bloom in Wellness" site.  Just saw the announcement and I have heard here that many have benefited from Baylissa's work.  I may look at it soon or the other one called "Recovery Road".

 

The "Bloom in Wellness" site is accessible at www.baylissa.com.  There is now a $19.95 charge per month.........so not sure if I should share elsewhere on this site.  Maybe a moderator can chime in.

[manymoretodays]

Well.....whatever has happened in my hip area to cause much physical pain persists.  Day 3.  At times limited mobility or a pretty odd looking walk......lol.  Ice, heat, ibuprofen but I will try today to start cutting back on the ibuprofen.  My Mum said she DID NOT have much pain with her osteoarthritis so who knows what this is.......maybe a pinched nerve or something.  I didn't overdo on any exercise......that's for sure.  But for now......unfortunately........fairly limited in the kind of exercise I can do.

 

I've been given some easy exercises to do that might help by my shaman friend.  He came and did what he called acupressure yesterday too!  That and a visit from the associate made a lot of difference.  Mind, body, spirit in action.  Difficult to sleep long stretches anymore.......it's my left hip and I used to sleep on my left side.  Adjusting to sleeping on my back or right side has been hard, as well as just extremely difficult to even get comfortable/pain free for my all important ZZZzzzzzzz stretches.  Difficulty with my clutch in my car too.......as that is left leg usage.  

 

I'm going to try some Ben Gay or Icy Hot after I go get some later today.  My coconut oil applied and rubbed in the area helps a wee bit too.

 

Learning to be un wuss like about this all.......not get carried away with fears and self pity.   Pretty clear mentally.  Just disappointed as I really can't do any long walks right now.......nor much yoga.........or swimming.  I hadn't been doing much of that anyway but was looking forward to making a good start on some healthy habits that I used to really enjoy and benefit from.

 

Anyway.......I'll get on through it.......may it not last too long......the pain, the limitation.  

[manymoretodays]

Soooo  much bettah........improved with the hip flexion pain.........  Canceled my Dr. appointment for it but will be going in for lab work in July and PE.

 

On a scale of 1-10.......it got to at least an 8.75 I think.........now, nearly forgotten but not to the point that I wouldn't neglect some area specific exercises to minimize this happening again.

 

And still plenty of time to decide whether to reduce further on the trileptal at the end of this mos.

 

Pretty good news......upbeat and positive now.

 

Thank you.  Love and kindness.

 

MMT

[manymoretodays]

Hi MMT-- I'm sorry to hear that you're sliding back down again.  I did notice that the way you talk about it the process sounds very similar to an "Anger Spiral", which is something I've been dealing with for years.  I wrote a long post to Cymbalawithdrawal7300 the other day and will repost it here for you. Maybe it will give some insight into how to handle what you're going through.

 

"Hey CW.  Yea, I made up the term. I've been a technical writer for years so everything needs a descriptive title.  I've written about it several place I think I even copied some of the posts into my intro thread, but I usually tailor them to the particular threat I'm on.  There are pretty much four steps: 1) identify that it's happening, 2) defuse the situation, 3) change the channel, 4) go on with life.

 

Identifying the situation can be hard at first because it's very natural to fall into the spiral.  A person needs to go through the entire cycle several times to identify the pattern and understand the progression.  I find that I am several minutes into the pattern before I realize that it's happening again. Learning what ones triggers are is a good place to start and previsualizing situations where those triggers might occur.  That way a person can "keep on guard" when those situations arise. It's frequently the little things that set it off.  Getting cut off in traffic, a coworkers off comment, someones tone of voice.  When a spiral has ended I try to go back and coldly analyse it to see what the trigger was for future reference.

 

Defusing the situation is very important especially in "confrontations".  This is a matter of self preservation because things have a bad habit of escalating to violence, and that has a lot of ramifications.  The person who is angry is often deemed the "bad guy".  The one who hits first is always in the wrong, and the like. Because we're in the anger spiral that put us in the center of things and according to society we have to "control our selves".  So finding ourselves in a bad situation caused by our anger spiral we have to take control and make things right.  Trying to talk out way out of it won't work, the spiral is in control making it so we can't think clearly.  The best bet is to just walk away. It is much better to be seen as rude than violent.  Turn, walk away, relax, regroup and if necessary reapproach the subject from a different angle (work related things you just can't get out of) otherwise drop it and move on.

 

The key aspect of the anger spiral is ruminating thoughts.  Once the trigger happens it sets off of series of mental events that build out of control. There is the initial trigger which is frequently followed with a small flash of anger and then dropped.  A few minutes later the ruminating kicks in with an "I should have..." followed closely by "that's like when....." "those b******s" "I always get treated like this..."  all these thoughts swirling around and compounding each other.  This builds until there is an explosion.  Changing the channel at "I should have..." is the best way out, but it can be done effectively at any point in the spiral.  As soon as one realizes that the spiral is happening changing the channel is called for. I frequently use a stern "don't go there" close my eyes, deep breath and concentrate on what I'm doing.  While distracted I do deep breathing and progressive relaxation to regain control of my body.  I can take several tries to get control back and I need to keep an eye on things so the spiral doesn't try to sneak in several hours later.  This is the part that takes a lot of practice but with time becomes second nature and very effective.

 

Once the spiral has been broken it is best to just go on with life.  The event happened, it was controlled, it's in the past, move on.  Later, after things have had a while to calm down, the situation can be reviewed in a rational manner to understand how it progressed and what worked to defuse it.  It now becomes a learning situation.  During this analysis it is important to use a cold eye so as to avoid retriggering the spiral.

 

Hope that helps CW."

 

Really excellent stuff Brassmonkey.  I still feel in that "hypervigilant state" of mind.........as far as the pain went and some of my more recent interactions.  Totally on guard......self protective.........fear mentality.   I'm waiting still for the more "calm down" period to quick in and cessation of the ever present ruminations about.........well..........past, present, and future.  Now escapes me.

 

Morning meditations.......not going so good.

 

Thankful it is Sunday........the quiet.

 

(? quick in......I meant kick in.........sometimes just leaving it though as is seems poetic........sorry.......lol)

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

 

I am catching rays today and then will go collect my chip at AA

 

I just happened to see this on another thread: congrats!

 

OMG, I just realized my "bday" was yesterday: 34 years! How time has flown.

 

I went to meetings for a short time last year after 22 years of being away, they helped for a time and then I had to stop going because they were upsetting me for some reason. They were in the next community over and so different from what I was used to in San Diego so I stopped going. But I did get a chip at one of them last year.

 

One of the things I reacted to is hearing members say their problems really started to be solved when they were put on ADs. I did the same thing 6 years after I got sober too, and off and on till I went off them for good nearly 4 years ago.

 

I just feel uncomfortable trying to relate to 'sober' people who are under the spellbinding effect of legal drugs, since I now know what a trap they are. So the easiest way for me to handle this is to stay away (I am a terrible spokesman for life after ADs and a poor evangelist too.)

 

But: you go girl!

 

(And sorry, I don't think pot is a viable alternative no matter all the glowing reports. It is still a psychoactive chemical. Ymmv, however.

[manymoretodays]

Thanks CW.  Yes, I know exactly what you mean..........so very many on diagnosis and psychoactive medication.  I do have to bite my tongue ALOT.  There are plenty of meetings around of all types, with all types though.......within a 30 minute radius.  I literally had to do something to start to get out more and challenge myself.   And often......like they say........I am blown away by what I hear in most meetings........or read..........exactly what I need at that time.  "Take what you need and leave the rest".......I think that comes from AA.  

 

I am quite doubtful I will partake in any "socials" outside of meetings or a meal with someone from meeting.  Practicing, practicing enlarging my world.

 

Congratulations to you too!

[AliG]

Hi  M.  Just stopping by to send many healing vibes  !  

You will make it through this .

Hugs,

Alison