manymoretodays

☼ manymoretodays: off Adderall

810 posts in this topic

Hi mmt. Seems like you are holding up quite well, perhaps in a holding pattern sorta kinda. I sure understand the feeling of laughing being foreign and the feeling of being in a foreign country which is life, for me waking up like rip van winkle for me after 20 years of AD and. 12 years of AP and all of a sudden i am 63 years old. Still tapering the benzo and then the gabapentin. What comes to mind is something from a Grateful Dead song that says "what a long strange road it's been." I get it about the hypochondria feelings too. Sheesh! We need to come up with a name for people our age just coming out from decades of polydrugging. We are generation something or other since brain fog prevents me from coming up with something fitting. Lol My take on your update is you are recovering from the assault in a fine way. I hope you continue to improve and just keep a close watch on your thyroid. May we all have many more todays!

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Hi back Marsha.  Yup.......exactly..........like waking up after some kind of weird dream.  It is what it is I suppose........the way it's supposed to be?  I don't know.  Maybe this is that DP/DR thing that people talk about or just a really weird wintertime switch for me.  Not at all feeling like myself.    I just so want to get back to my perkier self.......and soon.  I need to get myself out of this perceptual fog somehow.  I am not really sure if it has anything to do with the end of trileptal/oxcarbazepine..........sometimes I think it brought back some of the other stuff......W/D stuff from before but I am not feeling too intuitive these days.

 

On the thyroid.......I am just hoping it will be all normal next check.  The TSH was slightly elevated........ but the T4 and T3(at least I think triiodothyronine is T3) were both in normal range in late July.  I am just feeling so mistrustful of doctors and all lately and feel like I wouldn't present well enough right now to make any appointments.

 

Thanks so much for your post........I know you are struggling too.........I really appreciate it.

 

best,

 

mmt

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Well.......I guess I will stay with serenity green.......the color........for a bit.

 

My dear son and I spent some time together yesterday and it went well.

 

Today he called and wants to go to an AA meeting with me!!!!  :) :D :)   This is a good thing I hope and pray.  He is still doing okay......well great.......at his better than minimum wage job.  No further legal problems and he survives without his license still.  Just the alcohol and now some weed on occasion........for him......he is honest, I trust him when he tells me stuff.  He likes when he is sober though and sees something in how I have changed and grown.  He's had some trouble with his Dad, a recent suicide of a peer(oxycodone OD), and is feeling a bit lost.  Me, I'm just reading some fiction tonight and worrying in that prayerful/spiritual way I guess.

 

Anyway........wanted to just note the occasion and ask as I do for prayers and universal good intentions for us........my small family......he and I.........that I stay strong and courageous.......that the right people may come to his aide now.  I mean AA ers would know what I mean I think and others, well it's a spiritual program and it's helped me so much with withdrawal and my own journey and getting on out of my own way sometimes.

 

Otherwise........doing well enough........sheesh, I have to..............in my newly awakened freedom from psychiatric drugs....... :blush:

 

Love, peace, connection, and all my best,  upbeat and positive

 

mmt

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It went okay.  Today s news is financial........another no alimony month coming up in February............alas though.........get this............he is going to pay me back what he has missed.  He......the ex, had an unexpected crown-dental come up and is pretty darn broke...........  I........ on the other hand am the kindest ex wife I have ever heard of.  It does make it really tight though...........something to be said for my "make do-ness.......make the best of ness"!!!!!!

 

The AA mtg. with my dear son went well and the evening we spent together too!  So thrilled with my boy.......and our new adult child to healing Mum and back relationship.......and to see him growing in his own way and wisdom and being part of it again.........

 

And then......my wonderful man friend........isn't romantic love grand!!!!  Just noting. 

 

Just being grateful for the things along the way.......the important ones.  The ones that keep me going.  Relationships........other people in our lives..........really, really help..........understanding people that is.

 

Going to try, try, try and focus, focus, focus and get my Nursing RN CEU's done.........it's a book and exam on Mindfulness..........how great is that for a subject?  I am really pushing it though and will be just reading for the answers and really hope I get it in on time and continue license- sure...........even though I don't think I will employ in the field again.  The study hours will keep me licensed for 2 more years.    Pfft.....one never knows and I am just not ready to declare full retirement from Nursing.  If I can't or don't get it done though.......well, that will be okay too.  Be rooting for me on this one though.......Okay?..........thank you.........so far you guys have done great!!!!

 

Oh.......I might do some "meals on wheels" local deliveries once a week..........hope so.........I mean it sounds like a win/win thing for me.......for now........I need to do the paperwork for them first and then really commit to it............I mean I really do need to commit to something......doing something more formal and outward bound type of service......

 

Love, peace, healing,  thanks for the space.........I am once again finding it helpful to type stuff on out once in awhile.......upbeat and positive, hopefully I will get more creative soon with my words and humor.......... :unsure:

 

mmt 

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Ugh.........lapsing into tears more frequently today........the non specific kind,  just feeling sorry for myself I think.  I sure hope this passes.

 

So very grey outside for days on end and such a slowness to myself........fatigue.  It's got to mean healing, right?  I day dream of Spring and energy and losing myself into service to others somehow.......even if it's just family and friends.

 

More than halfway through my CEU study for staying licensed and a RN.......so that's good enough. 

 

I couldn't quite rally to go to sweat lodge........different location as the heavy wet snow requires a rebuild of the last one(come Springtime).........so I must rally on out today somewhere for my sanity sake.........supplies and maybe just a drive with music playing.

 

Ugh.........something keeps me going........thankful for that........hope.

 

mmt

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Hi mmt. I thought I saw in one of your earlier posts that you also stopped your natural thyroid drug. Am I right? Also I was looking at drugs that interfere with thyroid function and trileptal was one of them. Also maybe a little delayed withdrawal. I don't know. Perhaps these factors are possibly a contributing factor in your down in the dumps feeling if that's okay to word it. I know you are not comfortable with doctors right now, but perhaps you could order your own thyroid panel. Free t3, free t4, both antibodies tests, rt3 and check the t3 rt3 ratio. Also, maybe do a basic metabolic temp test for three consecutive mornings upon waking if you can get your hands on a mercury thermometer. Also your basal pulse rate, how is that? Wouldn't want you to get all hypothyroid on me now. Lol. Take care mmt.

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Hi Marsha,

 

Yes I did.  I was only on 15mg. of the Armour Thyroid.  I wish I could remember how much trileptal I was on when I got labwork last July.........I was still in a great window then and just did not forsee what I am into now.........I'm pretty sure it was below 40 mg. though.......a pretty subtherapeutic dose(as far as any Doctor's would see it)......but more importantly to cause interference with thyroid.

 

Anyway.......I read your reply earlier and tried taking 30mg. of the thyroid today...........alas just kind of jittery.  So.......I'll hold on that.  I just don't have a strong sense that it is my thyroid at this point causing my generalized weirdness.  I don't know how I could get my own thyroid panel without seeing the Dr.   If I get at all reliable I will go in and ask for a recheck of labs.  I sure hope he is still on my network provider list.  It's just I am not at all confident with words right now.  I broke my last mercury thermometer years ago.  Also years ago went through this low thyroid and adrenal insufficiency possibility with my Dr.(I was still on probably an antiseizure type of mood stabilizer and AD at the time.......my memory is so foggy).........tried a whole host of supplements and things to no avail.  And then later..........thyroid stuff all tested normal.  I did do some years or partial years on both Depakote and Tegretal..........I'm guessing this was during that time.  I guess we both.......my Dr. and I didn't have a clue that my real problem was the drugs I was on.........and that the drugs were trying to control what other drugs caused.  I guess this is still better than that not so merry go round.

 

What's really hard is my now mental disorganization and just plain confusion as to what to do.........other than believe this is transient.  I really feel it is some kind of seasonal shift........man, more dark than light still outside and runs of foggy days with no sun.  I am doing a fair amount of exposure to my "Costco happy light" and trying to keep my faith and hope up that I will be okay eventually........even real soon!!  I am in my 3rd month now of just being off.    Working hard on just keeping my weight up..........eating more protein in the form of meat.  I am really having a lot of difficulty with eating cold stuff too.........I think I still need my blender concoctions but have to drink them in tandem with warm baths.  Wow.......this is all pretty crazy coping right now.

 

Just winging it through January........pay the last of the bills.  Try and eat and keep my fighting weight on.  Get out among people more often.........it seems I can forget and feel normal then........well at least normal in the way of this new ever morphing and changing me.  I need to try and get out and walk at the very least soon.......then a swim or yoga.........or both...........lost my flow back early in November somehow as far as all that regular "good and helpful to healing" stuff I was doing.

 

Sheesh, I haven't come this far without some divine intervention and I am hanging in.  I so wish there was a magic pill or potion at this point or identifiable something other than W/D........protracted..........in some kind of wave.  I don't want some or any other diagnoses right now with dire predictions and complicated management. 

 

You too........take care and be so good to yourself now............and thank you so much for your suggestions and input.

 

Rooting for us both Marsha.........we can do this thing!!  Meantime......just keep going........a day at a time...........

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Some kind of tardive dysphoria is my best guess.............I remain hopeful.......

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MMT. I like the Serenity green. It's a nice touch.

 

I think the drugs do terrible things to our thyroid but I'm hoping with time that they can possibly revert back to some sort of normality. 

 

I have had issues also but I don't think drugs are the answer. I'm hoping some gentle healing and healthy living will help to normalize things eventually.

 

Tardive Dysphoria ? That is a worry isn't it ? I do believe in Neuroplasticity and I'm going in that direction. It's more positive.

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Temporary Tardive Dysphoria..........with a whole lot of Neuroregeneration going on........... :)   ((((Ali))))  Yup, positive thinking has saved many a one of us.

 

I woke up to sunshine today.  I mean literally!  And gave thanks for the dishes in my sink.  And on I go........  I need to check on back with the meals on wheels people and finish my CEU's.  I don't really think I was "hypomanic" or anything clinical label-able before last November..........seems I am just going through a reminder of what matters and that I am okay just how I am.......right now.  Something like that.

 

Love, peace, healing.....

 

and many more todays

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Done.  Finished my exam and passed(Nursing license CEU's) and re licensed for 2 more years.  Yay!  Freeing!!!  Scored 100% which seems bizarre but okay.........it made my day.

 

Having 2nd thoughts about "wanting" to do meals on wheels deliveries.......pfffft.........it's just a couple hours one day a week sooooo.........I guess that means I should do it.  I might wait until Monday to get back to them though............. 

 

And off to a mtg. in the city today.  Snow too.......and fog, looked pretty.

 

Too pooped to head to Yoga tonight........hopefully can report some form of exercise before this week is up though.  I just have a good feeling it will energize me and I have got to get back to more movement.

 

Inauguration manana......... :wacko:

 

mmt

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Doe a deer.........a female.........  You know the song.  A deer sighting in my yard today after a very long stretch without seeing any.  It's a sign!  :)

 

Still holding off all psych drugs and coming closer to 9 mos. as far as AA goes.  I haven't officially really done step 4 yet but that seems par and acceptable.  I'll get it done.  My sponsor is getting new knees and is out for a bit.........I should get a new one and will if I run into somebody who seems a good enough fit.    Holding on any Dr. visits and labwork too.

 

Loads of snow.  Still a lot of fatigue but up and around most days.  Just not enough pizazz to ski........there'll be other years and who knows......maybe in February.  Kind of hoping still to sign on to delivering "meals on wheels" for a couple hours every week.  My papers are all processed and background check and all that.........just so tired.

 

I need to go see my Mum soon........looks like the sibs are gearing up for their visits as well.  She is going to be 89 pretty soon!!  My dear son is well......thank goodness as is my Mum(other than the usual variety of stuff they find and treat when you have good insurance......I'm thankful my Dad left her with that........he worked for the feds.......lol..........well, the government Health Education and Welfare back in the day).  I don't know........maybe he'd be proud of me for what I am doing and I still hope I can put it all together........short and long versions and............. use appropriately for change some day soon...............or work with others who might be seeking...........

 

That's about it for today.  Energy is coming.......I just know it........

 

Pleasant tomorrows........  Watching comcast movies tonight..........Pearl Harbor and now True Grit.......so I will wake up hopefully with my own true grit!!  Going on out tomorrow for a bit and then hair on Thursday.  Getting over to my hairdresser friends' house and color and trim is usually greatly curative.

 

Sloooowly but surely with a lot of patience............time is on my side though.........or maybe timing.........

 

Love, peace, healing

 

manymoretodays

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You are not naked when you take off your clothes. You still wear your religious assumptions, your prejudices, your fears, your illusions, your delusions.

    When you shed the cultural operating system, then, essentially you stand naked before the inspection of your own psyche…

    and it’s from that position, a position outside the cultural operating system, that we can begin to ask real questions about what does it mean to be human, what kind of circumstance are we caught in, and what kind of structures, if any, can we put in place to assuage the plan and accentuate the glory and the wonder that lurks, waiting for us, in this very narrow slice of time between the birth canal and the yawning grave. — Terence McKenna

 

Yah, this was cool........I copied it from one of GiaK's posts.  Oh wow........I copied it........me with my subtech.......very subtech computer skills pulled off another feat!!!!  Who knows what's next........an avatar?? :blush: :mellow: :unsure: :blink:

 

Hair done and I now, in this moment, feel pretty good..........hopefully can carry it on through(the good feeling) right on through until morning.  She(hairdresser friend, although that is not her primary occupation anymore) says she will continue to do my hair until the end of time........well, basically...........and that made me feel very happy and loved.  She has three(kids plus one longer lasting husband), around my dear sons age and they go through a lot too.  Just noting.  Very thankful for her.  And just for a lot tonight. 

 

Getting there........for sure..........I am on the right path now.  I just hope the subsequent winters will be easier somehow........yet accept this one fully.

 

Peace, Love, Healing

 

manymoretodays........

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Day one of ending/changing "the romance/relationship".  And so.........tears now.  It just wasn't right anymore and I don't want to get into that.........  Hopefully eventually I will still have my one supportive friend in the real world.  Well heck.......I'll blurt it on out.........he's married, I knew, my bad........... I just can't bear the guilt anymore so this feels freeing and like the right thing to do.  I've never met her.  She's dependent on psych drugs and they haven't had much of a marriage for over a decade but just the same.  It just isn't me.........who I am.........to live this way..........do this kind of thing.  So........forgive me........all my sisters out there.  We BOTH should have known better.

 

Hard to get excited about much and have been generally feeling like crap.  Eating fair.  I can read.  Blurry vision with television but it's doable.   Maybe meals on wheels orientation next week and possibly just some subbing.  Having a heck of a time with anything in the early part of the day but I will try to get there.

 

Jokes or good music appreciated at this time.

 

Thanks.  And thank you universe(casper, great creator spirit) for the time and patience, and keeping me safe while still learning and growing.

 

Peace, love, healing

 

mmt

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Well........got on out yesterday and much warmer temperatures for a bit.........and really felt great and connected for awhile.

 

Not so much today.  Thankful for Sunday today and restful.  My emotions are all over the place in the early part of the day today.........mostly tears and fears.   I just have to wait it out...........

 

Looks like we(friend and I) will still be friends..........I think I'm his pet project for awhile and for that I really am grateful for.........

 

It's just so hard to get going in my life of now...........pay the bills, eat enough, force myself on out..........blah.........

 

Hopefully better days soon.

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Pretty intense.......W/D, tardive depression, crying jags, and just general nadir(if that is even a word).

 

I probably shouldn't have that little sunshine symbol by my name anymore..........I mean this is real lowness right now...........rocking, moaning, tears and generally so achy all over.  A little of that internal agitation.  Just eating what is on hand again that requires no cooking or blending.  Zero appetite.  Zero anything really.  Zero life energy.  Autonomic nervous system on fire I guess.    I just cry when I talk to anyone but did do 2 phone conversations today.  Heartbreaking that people still care.  Mum said she would come to help if she could and that just about did me in.  Bathed and hygiene yesterday.  Bathrobe today.

 

Maybe I overdid yesterday........it sure didn't feel like it.  I just drove, went to a meeting, did a couple errands and imagined myself well.  Watched a movie.  Didn't feel like this.  So tomorrow will be better.

 

Maybe a naturopath next.........it doesn't really matter if they are familiar with protracted withdrawal or not.........and so will wait and see if that comes to be.  And then do whatever they suggest.

 

To bed officially soon.  Trying to watch the superbowl.......don't really care........but it's on.  Yesterday I got up really early and that helped so if sleep cometh I will try and do that again.  And hang on.  Hang on tight.  Pray.  Plead.  Cry some more.

 

Keep on rooting, praying, whatever.........I'll try harder tomorrow.........this is Hell.  I am not really a strong person anymore.........

 

Thanks.

 

mmt 

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Oh, mmt...I'm so sorry....I'm kinda in the same boat with you right now..crying..despair, the past rearing its ugly head again...feeling shaky inside..lost.

 

I was looking at old photos yesterday,probably triggered things...should have known better.

 

gonna try to get outside in the sun today,it's not TOO cold.

 

We have to keep on fighting with everything we've got..and believe there's something greater than ourselves that will see us through this hell.

 

hugging you across the miles...Love,ds

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Mmt and ds we all have something in common. I have observed this with JanCarol and many others who have hashimotos or hypothyroid and are or were taking levothyroxine or another thyroid med. Our symptoms are very very similar. The crying mood swings aching etc. It may not be so much to do with wd but actually our autoimmune disease playing havoc with us. I actually believe this is the case with me. I have been tracking my numbers since April of last year and have noticed as the rt3 has increased and the tpo antibodies have continued to rise i have become more and more symptomatic. But yes our psych drug history does play a large part in this intricate balancing of our systems when our thyroid function is not being managed properly. Thing is once we get caught in this system of polypharmacy and subsequent wd from the drugs and get labeled and end up on disability and have our thyroid function go south, it's difficult to find qualified affordable help. I have completely made an about turn with providers and am going to try to educate and possibly get them on board to help reweave the delicate balance of my autoimmune disease without revealing my background of misdiagnosis and decades of polypharmacy. I worked with a naturopath briefly for a few months but I simply could not afford all the testing he wanted and he just didn't get how to read thyroid tests. Maybe one with real knowledge about iatrogenesis could be helpful. There is one on the madinamerica provider list who was in the bay area but has moved to bend ore but you don't have to be seen in person i think who uses steve balt as a consulting psychiatrist. I am waiting to hear back. If need be i will just go hide out at my mama's house and she and my sister both nurses with experience in thyroid disease and psych drug withdrawal syndromes can help me out. But someway somehow we will get well again. I have to keep that mindset. Mmt if you manage to read through my hypothyroid psych drug iatrogenesis response I hope perhaps it makes some sense for you. What do you think?

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Oh, mmt...I'm so sorry....I'm kinda in the same boat with you right now..crying..despair, the past rearing its ugly head again...feeling shaky inside..lost.

 

I was looking at old photos yesterday,probably triggered things...should have known better.

 

gonna try to get outside in the sun today,it's not TOO cold.

 

We have to keep on fighting with everything we've got..and believe there's something greater than ourselves that will see us through this hell.

 

hugging you across the miles...Love,ds

 

Warmer here too but sunshine is scarce.  I think that is part of it.  Today better mainly because I got out of my head and house for a good while and into helping another.........hopefully...........sure hope I don't pay for the extra activity manana though.

 

Thank you for the support dire!  :)

Feeling back on my sunshine recovery/healing road.

 

(((()))))

 

mmt

 

p.s.  Go New England Patriots!!  Lol.  First OT in history or something.  I used to live in Massachusetts.  Good diversion from politics anyway......I mean everyone is in such sick spirits........this is the pits and scary.

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Mmt and ds we all have something in common. I have observed this with JanCarol and many others who have hashimotos or hypothyroid and are or were taking levothyroxine or another thyroid med. Our symptoms are very very similar. The crying mood swings aching etc. It may not be so much to do with wd but actually our autoimmune disease playing havoc with us. I actually believe this is the case with me. I have been tracking my numbers since April of last year and have noticed as the rt3 has increased and the tpo antibodies have continued to rise i have become more and more symptomatic. But yes our psych drug history does play a large part in this intricate balancing of our systems when our thyroid function is not being managed properly. Thing is once we get caught in this system of polypharmacy and subsequent wd from the drugs and get labeled and end up on disability and have our thyroid function go south, it's difficult to find qualified affordable help. I have completely made an about turn with providers and am going to try to educate and possibly get them on board to help reweave the delicate balance of my autoimmune disease without revealing my background of misdiagnosis and decades of polypharmacy. I worked with a naturopath briefly for a few months but I simply could not afford all the testing he wanted and he just didn't get how to read thyroid tests. Maybe one with real knowledge about iatrogenesis could be helpful. There is one on the madinamerica provider list who was in the bay area but has moved to bend ore but you don't have to be seen in person i think who uses steve balt as a consulting psychiatrist. I am waiting to hear back. If need be i will just go hide out at my mama's house and she and my sister both nurses with experience in thyroid disease and psych drug withdrawal syndromes can help me out. But someway somehow we will get well again. I have to keep that mindset. Mmt if you manage to read through my hypothyroid psych drug iatrogenesis response I hope perhaps it makes some sense for you. What do you think?

 

I think the autonomic nervous system dysfunction and autoimmune are definately related. 

 

It does make some sense for me and warrants further study and another set of labs soon on my part........the thyroid stuff............discussion with my GP.    I am still holding out for that it will reverse if it is hypothyroid.......like it did before.  Correct me if I am wrong........... but once someone is on the synthetic thyroid stuff doesn't it take over........meaning that yah........you have to stay on it forever?  I only used the Armour Pig thyroid once before and I did ask my GP to go back in my records and find out when.......and what medication......psycho drug it correlated with but of course.........nothing back from that request.  It was several years ago. 

 

I read more on the thyroid stuff here too and will some more.

 

Read a little bit about naturopath experiences here as well and will try to be open if/when..........but no way am I going to begin swallowing bunches of capsules or anything like that.  I want to do whatever with food stuff if I can ever figure out how.

 

I got some B complex to try today........almost homeopathic amounts though........at least placebo effect may hit me at least for a few days.  It's this stuff you add to your water.

 

I really appreciate your input and support.

 

It is hard to disclose........I mean people make all sorts of assumptions........my GP kind of still has me pegged as something or other but does try to listen and improve.  And.......I'm just barely learning to have a decent voice for myself, yet keep it brief and to the point and come off non blaming or accusing..........medical/mental health care is generally yuckola here in the States.......it's so obvious too..........I don't get how so many Dr's can be so complacent.

 

Anyway........thank you Marsha again for your support and thoughts.

 

Today was better and having a couple replies was.........awesome!

 

Love you guys,

 

mmt

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Well.......I got to the meals on wheels training and then sub one day in 2 weeks.  Easy peasy.  Good though as I am working on reliability, doing for others(to get out of my own stuff).  Trying to get a 24 year old basically homeless gal into treatment as well.  Soooo..........that's my non paid work life.

 

I had some gastric reflux last night........hopefully related to something I ate or some caffiene late in the day.

 

I don't hit bottom(emotionally) so bad if I force myself on out.  I'm at the point now where I just tell people I have some transient fatigue after reactions to medications.  That sounds good and most get it.  I mean if I feel the need to tell them something........usually I don't have to explain and am beginning to accept myself........as is.

 

The weather is nice.  Hoping to get outside a lot more.  I never really got the yard to bed and things are a mess.  I think I am going to have to wrap the Yews(bushes) with some mesh and see how that goes.............as far as keeping the deer from continuing to eat them.  I do like the deer but I really have a lot of work to do around here before I sell whenever.  Hopefully I can get lost in and enjoy some projects.

 

I will walk today........even 15 minutes will be a good start.

 

Oh yah.........Mum's 89th today!!!!!  Celebrate.  Wish I was there.

 

mmt

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Yay!  No reflux last night!!  I had some ginger tea at bedtime.

 

It does make some sense for me and warrants further study and another set of labs soon on my part........the thyroid stuff............discussion with my GP.    I am still holding out for that it will reverse if it is hypothyroid.......like it did before.  Correct me if I am wrong........... but once someone is on the synthetic thyroid stuff doesn't it take over........meaning that yah........you have to stay on it forever?  I only used the Armour Pig thyroid once before and I did ask my GP to go back in my records and find out when.......and what medication......psycho drug it correlated with but of course.........nothing back from that request.  It was several years ago.

 

I did a little bit of study on my question above as to whether one can come off the synthetic thyroid medications once on?  The best I could find is that yah........it is possible and can be done but should be very carefully and cautiously done and it doesn't sound like there are a ton of Dr.'s out there who can help in that regard.  Correct me if I am wrong here.  Once again there are dietary things that can be tried with food stuff and other ingestibles(from what I read with a basic search online) but that should be done initially without coming off or changing any thyroid medication...........harm reduction approach of course is always best.

 

So okay that's my idiots guide to my thyroid ?'s.  I may call today for a GP appointment.  I sure hope he is still on my insurance plan and labwork is cheap enough.  He's an okay doc.......really...........  It does help in my case that I was once somewhat of a "medical" professional and had plenty of further education as far as that "being heard" goes.  And it does make me feel stronger about being a voice and gaining/learning how to voice some of what many of us here know..........for those who so often get written off and over medicated and put into the sometimes useless programs that are few and far between for their human conditions.  Pfffft.

 

I am struggling with helping this young gal.........getting a roof over her head and off the street.  I am struggling emotionally and also with combining all my "hats" in deciding on the most ethical approach to this all.  It's good though.  It's really decent and good though......this kind of struggle............. and I do have help in the way of other peoples support with her too.   By "hats" I mean my nursing license, my peer certification, and then just being a AA fellow.  Her only option now is the "hospital" and she is so very confused and I believe hearing voices.  Some of it is guilt too I think..........I mean I don't feel like I am at the point in my own recovery/healing to just bring her here, my home........I'm really not equipped to do that.  She does have a bed or couch inside close to the local AA central here where I believe she checks in late and leaves early......gets a shower and maybe some food too.  While I am further out and not real close to anything.  I don't know........thankful for this experience and honored to help.  She is my son's age and her bio family is across the country.  I've talked with her Mum and everything.  It made me cry some healthy tears.  It also brings back some of my earlier in life memories of psych hospitals, etc...........not in a makes me feel paralyzed or non functional way or even highly anxious way though.  So it's all good.  Meant to be.  Can we all root for her though now???!!!!

 

So.......thanks guys.......just venting and living again.  I really need to get a ski/nature day in this winter!!  Maybe next week.  I'll be careful.

 

Love, hope, healing

 

manymoretodays

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My report on Bcomplex vitamin preparation in H20.

 

Oh.  Too late to edit the above again but a comment on the Bcomplex that I got that could be put in water.  I tried it yesterday morning after a not so good sleep night.  It tasted gross.......like Bvitamins.  I excreted most of it about an hour later via my urinary tract(peed it on out......I had forgotten how quickly that happens with Bvitamins to the stomach route).  And I remained really calm all day......no crying but to the point of woah nellie fatigue and I wondered if I should be driving even.  Then I got a bit crabby but kept it inside until I vented it at a mtg. appropriately.  I also felt flushed briefly after drinking it......not nearly as bad as when I took a B6 capsule though many many years ago.

 

Sooooo........maybe I will try it at bedtime next and just undiluted and under my tongue(sublingual).  I had so wanted to sleep yesterday again all day but am working on staying horizontal during the daytime to improve my nighttime sleep.

 

To health.  mmt.

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Vertical I meant.  Staying upright.  In my above post.

 

Today went well.  Up and at it.

 

Delivering meals on wheels tomorrow and who knows what else.

 

:)

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Interesting experiment, with the B vits.

 

About the thyroid -- what I've found, weirdly, is that even with umpteen tests, nobody really knows how to treat it. Yes, you can go on thyroid hormone but sometimes it encourages your thyroid to quit. And sometimes you can go off the hormone. It's best to minimize the dosage. The tests aren't much help, you have to go by how you feel.

 

Speaking of which, if you read back through your topic, you'll see someone who is hurting and growing, who cares so much about the people in her life. This is a good person. 

 

I hope you're feeling better today.

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Thankyou Alto.  Lol......my "Alive energy" Nature's Way brand of B complex vitamins may be just the stuff for bedtime.  I might be able to hold off on the melatonin.

 

Yah, hurting in a realistic way(post #734).......remind me not to hang out too much with married men.   I just consistently pick the wrong men who ARE really the right men but have a bit too much baggage sometimes of the wrong kind.   Enough said.  I'm not even sure that we are completely done with our romance yet.

 

Yup.....I AM kind, I am smart, I am beautiful......I AM a good human being.  Thank you.  It's just so hard sometimes to NOT be everything I had expected to be......now nearing 60 years of age.  On the other hand I do know I really have had/am having a good life and know that so many have it so much worse.  Thank you again though AND I only teared up for a few when I read your kind post.

 

I AM strong enough as well.

 

My virgin voyage of delivering meals on wheels went fine.  Tis a good day.  Feeling better.  Getting active again.

 

(((((Alto)))))

 

mmt

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9 month chip yesterday at AA.  And it's this color.  Who knew?  Not I.  That AA would prove to be so helpful in this journey.

 

I am still in agreement with the premise that it is different.........1.the dependencies created by prescription psych drugs(not to mention the neuro/behavioral changes created by them(and discontinuation/withdrawal effects......often prolonged....... and then diagnosed as further "illnesses" and medicated even more)............from the

2. basic self medication of non prescription drugs and alcohol. 

 

It's complicated.  There IS overlap as far as what might help create the kind of change in an individual to make them comfortable and happy and at peace and feel like a valuable part of a community and in acceptance of their "I am a human being" normality.  Oh and overlap as far as what "we" go through that is similar(self medicators and those medicated by Western medicine practitioners).  Or so I have found......

 

I just know that I did start to reach for weed and alcohol and a few other things early on.......in my teens.........I feel fairly lucky however........or maybe I've been protected all along for some as yet unknown reason.

 

I also know now that when I first sought care in the psychiatric system for a "situational" depression........oh, it could have........should have been so much different.  But that was then.  And now is now.  And I am feeling pretty happy this morning.  And thankful.  And free.  Yes, oh wow........it's great to be free to be me

 

So......my 9 mos. birthday bodes well.

 

Peace, Love, Healing........Life is a gift, make the most of it.  Do what you can and when you can.....with kindness.

 

mmt

 

Oh.....and thank you.  I truly AM through the worst of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Had a lot of help both in this world and spiritual.  One has to believe in something outside themselves.  As well as neuroregeneration for all generations.

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Well MMT, you've been chipping away for long enough, so now you're starting to see the fruits of your labours!

 

It's a long, hard road we're travelling on (excuse the cliche), but we have gotta remain focused on getting healthy again.

 

That's what I miss, just being and feeling healthy.

 

Hugs,

JC xx

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Congratulations on the nine months, it's an important milestone.

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Lovely ski day today......mostly sunny........not quite spring skiing but got some sun and motion in.

 

I was going to go get ashes......for ash Wednesday.......but then did not.......had to jump my car battery(left the lights on or something and it's getting low now.....the battery......I'll replace it soon)......so I took that as a sign of sorts.......I'm afraid of those old judgemental(sometimes) church ladies again!!    I am just not sure I am ready for religion/church yet........kind of want to make the effort though and really celebrate Easter this year.  Christmas was so low key.  So.....maybe lent......I'll do lent.......I think it starts on ash Wednesday but feeling uncertain if that is so.......hmmmm.  I will give up something though I think......soon.  AA is good enough for the spiritual.....trying to combine religion in a new way is hard.  Did a Inipi too just a couple of weeks ago..........new location......old one needs a rebuild due to heavy snow demolishing it.......so that will be fun to partake in.

 

I am rolling along fairly regular again now and will count Febr. as the beginning of a hopefully long window.  Thoughts of Spring and gardening and planting and such.....oh and even clearance and cleaning.........come easy and I am able to just do......stuff........yay!!!

 

Best, healing and love,

 

mmt

 

thank you jungle and brass.......it was/is a big milestone.........I still get thrilled that I am free at last........dependencies and addictions.  I think it took about 2 mos. to settle a bit off the trileptal.......and settle I have.  Still some W/D stuff but with decreasing intensities.  Yay!  Just yay and wow!!

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I am doing well still!  And it is really Spring here for a bit.  Like I said somewhere........over time I have not really found that I adhere to any real patterns such as.......I always have doldrum winters or always come alive again(or feel more alive again) in Spring.  If I do......it all got pretty skewed with the psycho drugs I was prescribed for so long.

 

I AM feeling like.......go get me a job, re-do the house or move, etc. etc. etc...........though.  ^_^   And I might do a little bit.......part acts.......along these lines.

 

I think however, I will prioritize getting on with my 4th through 8th step business, as well as writing on paper or with a word processor my history since I sought psych care(and then condensing it for my recovery story).  And just doing what I do as a independent type of peer.  Practice my guitar.  Spread out my watercolor stuff.  Take pictures.  Write haikus or mykus or something poetic.................  Another day of real Spring ski ing??

 

Oh.......and it looks like April will be the month to go see my Mum.........and I may even overlap or go in tandem with one or two of the sibs.  Or stop in Sedona too.....coolville as I understand it.........maybe I can find a brief, cheap retreat, healing something or other, to attend.  And Easter.......I want to stay here and visit with outlaw family and do a holiday!........for that.

 

I succumbed to getting the new car battery yesterday.........it really died this time and triple A(extra car type insurance) had a good deal and that went well enough.  An adjuster from my home owner's insurance comes today and maybe......possibly........some help with the roof...........which is still sound but after the last storm really took a noticeable beating as far as the shingles go.

 

So yah......for my record........I ?jumped from 24mg. to off of the Trileptal/oxcarbazepine on 12/9/2016........it wasn't really a CT I don't think........  It seems to have taken about 2 mos. to feel more confident off of it.........to stop overly obsessing about every little thing going on with my body and mind.........and settle on in.........to my life without psych drugs.........I am still in a bit of awe at where I am at.........and not clear about where exactly I am going..........and this is all very good I think.

 

Okay......enough for today.

 

Thank you.

 

Love, peace, healing,

 

manymore todays

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Well enough.......post today's note.  Looks like a new roof is in order and yah.......homeowners would cover "repairs" due to weather damage but not the new roof(which yah after all these years IS my responsibility) but although I am feeling a bit wired after talking with the rather nice adjuster........I can probably swing it somehow.  Perhaps may get some help on fence repairs........to be determined.  I am wondering if I should become a part time home flipper.........of my own abode here in Paradise.........it really is a lovely town where I live in this area.  I could work on the curb appeal this Spring summer and do some minimal interior and then sell.........big maybe on that........I just like to live in the denial that I am no longer the young sprout, young working mom who does, does does until she breaks breaks breaks.......something like that.  I am grateful however for where I am at today......location wise.  And otherwise too.   And oh no.......on the other hand the neighbors may have to live with me until I am older and grey and hobbling on about or something.  I am feeling like.......well I hope something decent shows up right around here......same town, smaller house and yard......... at the time I am ready to get on out of this present homestead.  Maybe next Spring/summer.  Maybe not.  I think I will move to Australia.......only kidding.  Maybe one of those simple, small scale living places and buy a small lot here in my present town........that I could come and go from without a lot of fuss and upkeep??  I think I need to travel a lot.  Maybe.

 

I still have the big trees in the neighbors yard to get trimmed.  Ching, ching.......$$$$$$ and feel I must prioritize and make some decisions here.  Real life stuff.  Kind of fun.......kind of wiring.......as I said.........decisions and priorities.

 

And......I didn't mention what I am doing for lent.  Rather than give up something I decided to try and adopt some rules of living and firm on up my values inside and out a little.  Something like that.  The St. Francis prayer I think is the one I am going for as far as trying to be more like........."make me a channel of peace.  That where there is hatred I may bring love..........that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness.......that where there is discord, I may bring harmony.........."  There's a bit more good parts to it.......faith and hope and listening and comfort.........it's all good.

 

So also.....my boy came by and mowed up some more leaves.  I had missed him Sunday when I thought he'd come by.  So that was nice too.

 

My old Priest friend died from the big C recently and then even more recently my Godmother.  Godmother was 90.  Priest friend......a woman too(Episcopal) was my age-ish.  Sad.

 

Life stuff.  Death stuff.  Hmmmmm.

 

Love, peace, healing

 

mmt

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Love, peace, healing to you, mmt! Very happy you're feeling more energetic these days.

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Thanks Alto.  :)   We got a new sweat lodge built this past weekend and had a Inipi too.  Weather has been beautiful......wish you all were here. :wub:

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Right around sunset it sure seems to get a bit intense this time of year.  So glad the days are getting longer again.......more light and that I can still see the beauty amid some of the confusion and yes, those little tiny or not so tiny miracles if I keep looking.

 

Last night was nice.  Me boy came in and got a 30 day chip so I went ahead and gave him a book,  took him on out for the meal, and I am proud of him.  I think I will call him my associate again.  :):wub:   I've been cleaning and sorting and found some letters I had sent to him when he went to camp one year and I think he was 14.  Another family covered his costs as they were doing well and I was still marginally married and very much trying hard to recover while on many meds.  And oh.........I missed him so and one letter referred to one he had written where he just wasn't having fun.  No fun at all at that great camp!!!  He is coming on up on 25 years of age next month!

 

Lovely rains.  Maybe a ski day manana........maybe just a swim.........

 

Hopes and dreams alive.  Today just kind of poignant and aware.  Improved, yet, restless inner peace.  And tearful gratitude again.  I can't wait to go see my Mum!!!!

 

Love, peace, healing, growth,

 

mmt 

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blivet.......pronounced like be live it

spring clouds and rains and wind

listening

and warmth and sunlight

family visit, overnight guests, before sunset today

and wondering if my shop vac will ever come home again?

calls and scheduling and bids

banks and funds and maintenance

the cat is well.......she may only get a groom if necessary

as if I catch the clumps early it doesn't become a

situation

committees and the state of non-healthcare for those

who really need it

health care

a voice, my voice!

my guitar.......ione

new movies

earth and growth and green and blossoms

scents, aromas

swim

walk

hold a pose

the space between the breath

palm sun day

a fourth season or is it fifth?

my boy, his birthday!

love, healing, peace, and growth

 

manymoretodays :)

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