manymoretodays

☼ manymoretodays: off Adderall

810 posts in this topic

I love the idea of being an angel for the day MMT ,  I know how hard it is to get through this on your own.  Super-important to take care of nutrition during w/d.

 

Do you have any community health services you could reach out to?     I agree with you that you don't want to burn out

the supports you already have.  Share it around if possible.

 

Try to  take one sheet of paper and put it with a pen.  

Write down the time , and next to it any meds. you take with the dosage.   Sometimes it can be hard to keep track , and

this way you won't have to remember when anyone asks.   It might also stop you accidentally taking too much of something.

 

It sounds like you have a strong spiritual connection , which will help you get through. 

 

Blessings ,   Fresh

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Shoot.....lost a long rambling reply.  Will get back to you.

 

Clear head tonight!!!

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Yup.  Thanks.  Tears.  Maybe more later........

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The tears cleared.  Just one dose of 1.25mg. salts(I like calling the adderal that).  Morning was iffy and tearful.  I pretty much skipped any and all of supplements.

 

Overall I ate a little better.  Whatever food......out of a box out of a can stirred into soy milk......bananas of course.  Tea.  I must get more of the Tazo Passion tea.  The Celestial seasons berry mix is just not as good......doesn't make me feel as good.    Shot hoops briefly with my.......I guess I'd say favorite neighborhood child James.  Maybe 5th grade.....he has a speech impediment and maybe is in special ed.....not sure.  He asked if I was okay?  I said no but I am okay not being okay.

 

The weather is awesome.....rains and very green and I went for a walk through the cemetery which is also gorgeous with all the flowers.  I smiled at the few folks I saw or just gave a nice hello and pleasant remark.  Just the apparently bitter old fogeys in the car did not smile back.  So.....one out of 10 or so is not too bad.  That number includes the string of boys skateboarding in a line on my way out.  I really had to keep walking......not just do 5 minutes.......probably got 40 minutes in.  Dirt paths.....a hill to climb.......old pioneer graves and such.  I am feeling so proud of myself.  I am still fairly unkempt but bathed and brushed teeth yesterday.  Kind of freeing to go out without makeup and all that stuff I think I need to appear "normal" or something.

 

Listened to music......moved a little to it.

 

 

Shrink manana.  Will have to wait until next week to pick up any controlled addictive substance script.......just making sure that it has been 30 days.

 

No great organized lists for helpers and my ex wants pay..........anyway getting by.

 

And am going to confess here.....I mean my pros know and most of my peeps.  Smoking a bit of herb.  Today though......not kidding.......I almost forgot to.......I mean I wasn't panicked or anything.  But finally just one toke.  I wish I was in a legal state.  Anyway......I will give it up again.......Not really "abusing" it but anyway just wanted to confess.

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Wait, did you relapse on adderall?  If so, 1.25mg isn't much of a large dose.  You probably didn't notice much of an effect, if any.  You won't probably even notice any effect in a day or two.

 

Marijuana's a very powerful drug, it can lead to all sorts of long term problems like anxiety, panic disorder, depersonalization/derelaization.  Use at your own risk.  You've been forewarned.  Some find it helpful, but at larger doses it can really mess you up.  Terrible idea to combine adderall with marijuana, that combination destroyed my life during SSRI withdrawals.

 

If you have too much anxiety, maybe 1-2x per week you can use a shot or two of alcohol.  It's a "natural" benzo basically, and isn't very harmful if taken in controlled doses at infrequent intervals.  Half life is only 4 hours or so, so it's only good to stop a panic attack every once in a while.  If used too frequently, it can cause tolerance and then withdrawals like benzo withdrawals.  Alcohol is like 50X less dangerous than benzos, unless you're sucking down half a pint of vokda in a single sitting or using it every single day.  I've known people who darnk every day for like 10 years fully recover within a month or two, so it's not such a bad drug compared to others.

 

I personally found caffeine to be a fine substitute for adderall.  Monster energy drinks, etc, were very effective.  Tolerance builds within just a few doses however.  I also found pseudaphed to sort of take its place as well, but you build tolerance to it pretty quickly (within just a couple doses).

 

I guess you could cross substitute between taking pseudophed and caffeine for a couple of days. 

 

 

---->  If you have any sort of hypersensitivity to drugs because of lexapro, disregard all of my "tips" because these substances may all cause some sort of bad reaction.  Only do VERY small doses at a time to see how they effect you.

 

 

Adderall isn't too difficult of a drug to get off of compared to others like benzos or SSRI -  as long as your lifestyle and job aren't build around its use.  If that's the case, adderall is going to suck to get off of because you'll lose much of those artificial accomplishments until your brain stablizes after 3-=6 months, at which time you'll probably be able to resume these activities at a significantly reduced level.

 

Anyways, just some of my opinions on the subject hope you find them useful during your attempts to quit adderalll.   BTW I'd recommend throwing all your pills away, it's the only effective way to never take aother pill. 

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Appreciate your input.

 

Just doing the best I can for now.  I find any hard alcohol to be more of a natural depressant after it wears off.  And no OTC's for me other than ibuprofen once in awhile.  I do tend to have hypersensitivities or more paradoxical reactions to medications.  Had a scary reaction to an "energy drink" while on Geodon so those are completely off my list of ever again.  I do drink coffee in moderation.

 

I probably should just keep a low profile.

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Definitely not going to consider benzo's either.

 

A day at a time.  No negative forecasting.  Pretty sure I will find my way.

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Definitely not going to consider benzo's either.

 

A day at a time.  No negative forecasting.  Pretty sure I will find my way.

 

yeah, definitely stay away from any prescription drugs for the rest of your life.  If you can handle some coffee, you can use that to help pep you up when you miss using adderall.  It only takes about 2-3 days in a row to build tolerance to coffee, so that should be reserved for just a couple days a week.  Otherwise, I'd recommend scaling down your life for a while and only do the bare minimum that you need to function.  It might take some time, and there's only bad things that can happen from pushing yourself too hard.

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Yup....thanks.  And yes......I did relapse on the salts after nearly 3 weeks off.  I was only on 2.5mg. when I tried to get off.

 

Congratulations on being almost a year free of the meds.

 

 

Got to the psychiatrist today and had a friend go in with me.  Of course she did some therapy too.  End result= I now feel relieved that the appt. is over but worse about myself.   Great therapy(said with a snarl)  I actually tried to leave the salts behind but couldn't and of course no new prescription with which to titrate down with.  Maybe I'll flush them but more likely I will just go back to the 2 approx. doses of 2.5mg.   And when I finally go back to see the Dr........get the script and titrate gradually.

 

Going to take trileptal 300mg. and another if I wake too soon and just try and get some rest.  Not sure what I will resume in the morning. 

 

My life is already pretty scaled down.......depressed at this point.........hoping for some enlightenment soon..........attitude adjustment.  I miss myself badly.   Full of negativity and anger.    I sure hope some sleep will help.  I want to type all the negativity I am feeling at this time but just can't.    Honest.......I don't think I am going to survive if I have to do the long drawn out invalid phase like so many with my kind of med. history do.     

 

Had a good meal though and seem to be tolerating just about anything again now.

 

Oh well........still off the Lexapro.........pfffft.......

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Yup....thanks.  And yes......I did relapse on the salts after nearly 3 weeks off.  I was only on 2.5mg. when I tried to get off.

 

Congratulations on being almost a year free of the meds.

 

 

Got to the psychiatrist today and had a friend go in with me.  Of course she did some therapy too.  End result= I now feel relieved that the appt. is over but worse about myself.   Great therapy(said with a snarl)  I actually tried to leave the salts behind but couldn't and of course no new prescription with which to titrate down with.  Maybe I'll flush them but more likely I will just go back to the 2 approx. doses of 2.5mg.   And when I finally go back to see the Dr........get the script and titrate gradually.

 

Going to take trileptal 300mg. and another if I wake too soon and just try and get some rest.  Not sure what I will resume in the morning. 

 

My life is already pretty scaled down.......depressed at this point.........hoping for some enlightenment soon..........attitude adjustment.  I miss myself badly.   Full of negativity and anger.    I sure hope some sleep will help.  I want to type all the negativity I am feeling at this time but just can't.    Honest.......I don't think I am going to survive if I have to do the long drawn out invalid phase like so many with my kind of med. history do.     

 

Had a good meal though and seem to be tolerating just about anything again now.

 

Oh well........still off the Lexapro.........pfffft.......

 

I'm not sure if taking any medication in your case is a good idea.  All the anxiety and depression that you're experiencing is a direct result of taking these medications.  Taking MORE meds to help cope with anxiety and depression is like treating alcoholism with a xanex, it's just going to further along the process.  Once you realize that the only way to recover from your current state of misery and dissatisfaction is time being away from medication, and social support that is positive and encouraging, you will be able to recover.  If you continue going to psychiatrists to try to solve your complex behavioral issues, it's just going to make your life more and more difficult.

 

Remember one thing from my advice:  phyciatrists are your enemy.  They know nothing about helping you, they just know how to medicate and make things more complicated.  ALL doctors in western medicine (i.e., in europe, US, china, japan, australia) are going to immediately think you're "crazy" and just give you more meds or refer you to another psyciatrist.

 

If you're anxious and depressed and feeling weird and unstable and "crazy", it's probably because of the medication you stopped taking a while back.  There's nothing wrong with you.  You're just a human being, a mammal.  Everything you do is ok and acceptable.  You're brain will readjust eventually, just need to be patient and find an effective distraction techique that isn't medication.

 

Just my opinion.  I honestly wish you all the best of luck.  Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or need to talk.

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So weak and shaky.  300mg. of Trileptal crapola and did get some sleep.  I can safely go up to 600mg. apparently. 

 

And I did wake up after about 5 hours. and as I staggered out to the kitchen realized that to take another 300mg. would not be the thing to do.  I think I slept a little more until a couple hours ago.

 

I don't know what the witch said about the adderal........I seem to vaguely recall her saying oh.....you just stop it.......no problem.  I don't even want it this morning.  I mean why go from the shakes and weakness to the shakes and heart palpitations and probable agitation and inner restlessness.

 

M. angel came by with Ensure and Pedialyte and cigs.  It just made me cry and spew out a bit of negativity.

 

Email from my Mom about hoping I follow instructions regarding witch's(pdoc).........and where is the pirate swearing section of this site again?  Email from ex that he is bringing more food later today.  Email from a friend trying to help me see and shift or who knows.

 

Going back to bed soon I hope.  All I really crave is some "normal" sleep and darkness.  I can see a beautiful day out there.......pirate swearing again.

 

Thanks for the offer of PM.  Maybe someday.

 

I will look for your other posts or intro. and see if there is any coping that I see there to grab onto.  I really want to find something offline or not reminiscent of the creepy experience I had with another and which still seems to haunt me.  That of course I should take full responsibility for and not blame and all that.......

 

Pirate swearing again but only imagining it.  Too weak to really care.

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If one is going to experiment with over-the-counter drugs, I would suggest marijuana over alcohol. Most people with sensitized nervous systems have a great deal of difficulty with alcohol, it's a CNS depressant and can make things much worse.

 

I do not condemn marijuana out-of-hand, but like any drug, it can also scramble a sensitized nervous system.

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Thanks Alto.

 

A little happy here now but essentially what my Mom said was "I hope MMT does what she is told".  She really supports mental illness and just cannot shift from that perspective.  She is old.  She is not going to change.  But I do know that it comes from a place of her just not wanting to see me suffer and sick.  Maybe that kind of balances things?

 

Is Suzanne Vega considered 90's music?  I remembered her today and have been enjoying her stuff for awhile now on youtube today.  Plus this awesome picture I printed off of my grandniece with such wonderful colors of green and turquoise and red. 

 

And I just can't consider that walking too far today or making my major goal getting out into the sun is going to be a bad thing and set me back.  Of course that involves a lot of hygiene measures to prepare for as there are bound to be other sunny people out there......I mean......my God all I can see myself as right now is some haggard bag lady sort.  I don't know.........even as I type I think I am better off going back to bed for a bit but with the imagery that I am outside with all that color.

 

And phew.....I thought I was in trouble Alto.  I will just refer to it as my herb.......it clears me into the positive........and that beats making all the desperate phone calls.  I am real sick of other people most of the time.........until I actually talk to them and lose that awful perspective......but until then my internal dialogue isn't all that bad.  It kind of helps to split off a bit.

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I read your stuff Osk.

Man.......I don't really know how to tell you to do this without any money.  Except be thankful for a roof over your head.  I mean you are obviously younger and have time yet to make your fortune if that's your calling. 

 

I am lucky that I get disability and alimony and have incurred no great debts to worry about.   Some carefully guarded savings.    So I find other stuff to worry about.  Not that I .......still........wouldn't  like to find my niche in life that pays..........and maybe and maybe not that will happen.  But still......I'm on the edge so it feels.   I don't want to pay anymore for "medical mental health care" though.

 

Pasta salad is working out well for me today and ensure......3 so far.  I think if I could get deli containers of stuff from the deli dept. and more ensure that will work for a couple of days.  This stuff is great.....Tortellini with roasted tomato pesto from Whole Foods.  I think it is pretty all safe and natural ingrediants.

 

........and I have a few more bags of dandelion not coffee coffee.

 

Negotiations with my ex did not go well......but not on account of me...........he brought the food though.  I may eat it all today.  Surprised as I got over the upset pretty quick.  I will have to practice some communication skills with him again after a cool off by him.  I don't need people storming off around right now.

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300 mg. of Trileptal last night for an early bedtime.  It wasn't as bad.  Not as knocked out though.   No salts yesterday.  Probably not today.

 

Hoping to get somewhere with the trileptal I guess.  But mellower.  Holding on supplements other than hormones and melatonin and B12 at hs.

 

Can't quite go up to the 600mg. dose but may at bedtime. 

 

It's all a tradeoff at this point......this or that med. 

 

Eating better.......not real worried about all that I am "not doing" and what comes next type thinking.

 

Probably will be posting about paying bills for the next couple of weeks......lol......it is a process.  But it will get done.

 

I thought it was Saturday for a couple hours......well more than that.......I thought yesterday was friday all day I think. 

 

Reminder to self: do not refer to day or date anywhere

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Shower-check

teeth....floss, brush, mouthwash....even brushed tongue-check

makeup-check

daytime clothing-check

couple of ensures, banana and applesauce-check

dictated groc. list, stayed out of negative when interacting with grocery angel- check....we've got it worked out where she just uses my debit card

maybe call therapist- ?- called-check  We shall have a friday noon phone call from here on in.....yay

sat outside in marvelous sunshine-check

awaiting deli containers- check yum

try a nap soon

 

not too shabby for another today

 

hey......I see I have been viewed by 1,000 or so now.  That's pretty cool.  But.........probably don't do what I do but maybe......keep on rooting for me!!!!  Anyway.....I am really not bedridden.....varying dystonia type stuff and weaknesses.........all I can say is........may the force continue to be with me

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Sounds like real progress. Good for you!

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TY MQ.

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Today went pretty good.

With the Trileptal on board just absolutely no need for salts.  Day 3.

There is this side effect of it possibly decreasing Na and at one point today when feeling particularly weird I licked a little bit of sea salt and felt better.  Note to self.....get more V8 tomato/vegetable juice to swig.

Otherwise......had no problem going out to shoot a few hoops in my bathrobe with James.  He actually asked me to stay and play a few at a very quiet time this morningI just said......what the heck, I am convalescing anyway......it's not a fashion event.

So outside x3.....the best time was around 4-6pm.....just feeling the sunshine and listening to birds......I might have dozed off.

Focus on eating and lot's of Ensure.  I think when my weight gets back up I will feel a lot better.

I'll probably skip the B12 tonight.  Just the other stuff.

So much calmer other than a few ripples and tears just once briefly.

So hoping it'll keep progressing comfortably.......healing and finding my comfortable place.  Home feels less like prison too.

 

And.......I just remembered that I do now have some Tazo Passion tea.  The perfect bedtime calmer as well as anytime hot beverage. Lol.....not plugging btw......just happy I remembered.

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I am safe and protected.

 

Computer mucked up as are my adding and subtracting skills and this with a calculator.   I will try again and get a few bills paid.  I told you this would become the main topic for awhile.

 

But it feels more about the whys?  Like the whys of computer viruses or hacking?  When did that become a valid method of bringing down a fellow man/woman just to do it.  And cause distress.  Anyway.......still early......hoping I can report back all I did in spite of that thought.  And prove to myself that yes, indeedy.........I am safe and protected.   May I be like my checking balance and in the positive and just not worry how it got there.

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Okay.......happy to report that maybe it was just my mouse.  I searched for and found another mouse and so far........so good.

 

Now to get some silent sunshine therapy as soon as possible.  Very quiet other than the birds on Sunday.  Find my space in silence.......something I read today.

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This is sounding better.

 

Please be very regular in your dosing, take the drugs at the same time each day.

 

What exactly are you taking now?

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Trileptal 300mg. at bedtime.

 

bioidenticals at bedtime.

 

melatonin......sometimes seems to put me out briefly at bedtime.

 

Today tried an L-methylfolate in am.......not good......not horrible.....but won't again and also 5mg. propranolol when I felt like I was still on the salts.  Sundays always prove to be difficult.  I just want to go to church and stay for the singing and not there yet......I just have to stop wanting much of anything.  Man oh man......I can't wait until I can pick up a pen and stay with some writing or take some pictures or draw some pictures or anything.  And actually I guess I will be somewhat hacked forever.....as it turns out.  But my computer works well enough for the bills.  Just something I guess that becomes part of this story........

 

Will try to be regular......kind of easy as it is all at bedtime.

 

Anyway......today I didn't check much off in the way of "normal" but did get outside a couple of times of varying lengths.  Running out of the easy eats but going to get my weight back up to par is high priority.

 

Day 4.....off salts

7 mos. or so off Lexapro

 

Thanks Alto.......

 

I may never be off all this crap but just being off some of the major jokes of medication is feeling okay. 

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I read your stuff Osk.

Man.......I don't really know how to tell you to do this without any money.  Except be thankful for a roof over your head.  I mean you are obviously younger and have time yet to make your fortune if that's your calling. 

 

I am lucky that I get disability and alimony and have incurred no great debts to worry about.   Some carefully guarded savings.    So I find other stuff to worry about.  Not that I .......still........wouldn't  like to find my niche in life that pays..........and maybe and maybe not that will happen.  But still......I'm on the edge so it feels.   I don't want to pay anymore for "medical mental health care" though.

 

Pasta salad is working out well for me today and ensure......3 so far.  I think if I could get deli containers of stuff from the deli dept. and more ensure that will work for a couple of days.  This stuff is great.....Tortellini with roasted tomato pesto from Whole Foods.  I think it is pretty all safe and natural ingrediants.

 

........and I have a few more bags of dandelion not coffee coffee.

 

Negotiations with my ex did not go well......but not on account of me...........he brought the food though.  I may eat it all today.  Surprised as I got over the upset pretty quick.  I will have to practice some communication skills with him again after a cool off by him.  I don't need people storming off around right now.

 

It's excruciatingly difficult to do it without money, you're extremely lucky.  It's still going to suck really badly with money in the bank, but you'll be able to call the shots and do what ever you want on your own time.  Maybe take a vacation or something, and not have to stress every night about going bankrupt etc etc.  I often just want to blow my brains out with a gun because of my situation, but I just sort of hold back and don't do it (I don't own a gun, so that helps too).

 

I doubt I'll be able to make much of anything if this condition doesn't improve, I'm like 1/10th what I used to be.  I honestly am just milking my parents for money now, I've lost virtually all hope at this point and don't really care about too much anymore.  You'll probably avoid hitting that extreme bottom with a financial cushion, and will probably recover quicker because you can avoid a great deal of stress.  I'm not sure if I'll ever recover BECAUSE of all of this stress.

 

It seems to me that you're still a little bit too comfortable with doctors and medicine.  That's very dangerous, because if things get crazy (e.g., you end up with a psycotic episode or something) you may be comfortable going to a doctor to try to medicate it away.  I'd only use the bare essential medicine, and try not to use any over the counter drugs.  There's no magic bullet.  It's brain damage, you're screwed for a while, until you heal or not.  Nothing is going to make that go away.  The sooner you accept this reality, the less damage you will cause by adding new chemicals into the mix.  That's just my opinion on the subject, you're free to do as you wish - obviously.

 

I'd throw away the salts, they're not doing you any good.

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I read your stuff Osk.

Man.......I don't really know how to tell you to do this without any money.  Except be thankful for a roof over your head.  I mean you are obviously younger and have time yet to make your fortune if that's your calling. 

 

I am lucky that I get disability and alimony and have incurred no great debts to worry about.   Some carefully guarded savings.    So I find other stuff to worry about.  Not that I .......still........wouldn't  like to find my niche in life that pays..........and maybe and maybe not that will happen.  But still......I'm on the edge so it feels.   I don't want to pay anymore for "medical mental health care" though.

 

Pasta salad is working out well for me today and ensure......3 so far.  I think if I could get deli containers of stuff from the deli dept. and more ensure that will work for a couple of days.  This stuff is great.....Tortellini with roasted tomato pesto from Whole Foods.  I think it is pretty all safe and natural ingrediants.

 

........and I have a few more bags of dandelion not coffee coffee.

 

Negotiations with my ex did not go well......but not on account of me...........he brought the food though.  I may eat it all today.  Surprised as I got over the upset pretty quick.  I will have to practice some communication skills with him again after a cool off by him.  I don't need people storming off around right now.

 

It's excruciatingly difficult to do it without money, you're extremely lucky.  It's still going to suck really badly with money in the bank, but you'll be able to call the shots and do what ever you want on your own time.  Maybe take a vacation or something, and not have to stress every night about going bankrupt etc etc.  I often just want to blow my brains out with a gun because of my situation, but I just sort of hold back and don't do it (I don't own a gun, so that helps too).

 

I doubt I'll be able to make much of anything if this condition doesn't improve, I'm like 1/10th what I used to be.  I honestly am just milking my parents for money now, I've lost virtually all hope at this point and don't really care about too much anymore.  You'll probably avoid hitting that extreme bottom with a financial cushion, and will probably recover quicker because you can avoid a great deal of stress.  I'm not sure if I'll ever recover BECAUSE of all of this stress.

 

It seems to me that you're still a little bit too comfortable with doctors and medicine.  That's very dangerous, because if things get crazy (e.g., you end up with a psycotic episode or something) you may be comfortable going to a doctor to try to medicate it away.  I'd only use the bare essential medicine, and try not to use any over the counter drugs.  There's no magic bullet.  It's brain damage, you're screwed for a while, until you heal or not.  Nothing is going to make that go away.  The sooner you accept this reality, the less damage you will cause by adding new chemicals into the mix.  That's just my opinion on the subject, you're free to do as you wish - obviously.

 

I'd throw away the salts, they're not doing you any good.

 

Testing out the quotes.

 

Well......got the salts moved to the back of the spice drawer.  I actually more concerned about the possibility of any help deciding to go for them or something.  But if you remember........tell me again.........in about 2 and 1/2 weeks and I will find my environmentally conscious way to get them in the trash.  Maybe mixed with catlitter and moistened and then bagged separately.  Seems like down the toilet is not such a good idea.

 

Sure it all sounds better but I am not without my moments of believing early nursing home residence and ward of the state or (medicaid) is right around the corner.  My main stress really is about how the heck I will ever get this house ready for sale in approx. 2 years and then where I will go..........meantime......a day at a time.

 

I don't think I will hit frank negative psychosis or act completely crazy enough for voluntary or in voluntary hospitalization.  It's a process..........really it is.........and I am at the start of it...........saying goodbye to psychiatry.  And continuing to trust in my own decisions and inner voice somehow through it.

 

A lot of segways today from one state to another.  Best of all though is the wind sounds which sound like the ocean and listening to my favorite radio station for a bit. 

 

I wish I could remember that after Effexor period of my life better..........I really think I stopped with the more frequent ups and downs...........I know they were like every 2 mos. at that point.

 

Anyway........just getting to the throw away of salts and hanging in.  Eating and I think I have got my weight on up where it's comfortable and clothing fits almost.  I mean I can't cover all the variables right now.

 

I definitely agree.......that I am way too comfortable with Drs and medicine.............it's all a process and I just want to find the neutral of it.  I mean I spent a great deal of my life believing it in.........it was my career..........sure I had misgivings back then too but.........IDK.........maybe that helps explain how tough it is.

 

What was your degree in?

 

Yup.......a vacation...........wouldn't that be wild if I was up for that anytime soon.  I think somewhere with a beach in the fall would be great........or completely off season.  Yes, completely off season would be great.  Get my guts up to ask either one or both of old friends I know to provide accommodations and figure out how to explain  my convalescence.    I probably will get tons of pressure to make my visit at Christmas with my Mom in AZ.  And I spose if that comes first even that is okay.  We manage to do okay.........it's by no means perfect or a total vacation destination but........anyway..........  Sure hoping I don't have to hit her up for large amounts of $$$ ever but that would be okay too.......if needed for some of this home maintenance stuff which frankly just is not happening now.  One of my sibs has had to over and over but she(mom) deducts it from the final estate.  I just don't want her to die.......ever........and if her own care and living takes care of her estate that's fine too.

 

Well....nice chat......hope the "shoot yourself in the head" passes for a bit.

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I read your stuff Osk.

Man.......I don't really know how to tell you to do this without any money.  Except be thankful for a roof over your head.  I mean you are obviously younger and have time yet to make your fortune if that's your calling. 

 

I am lucky that I get disability and alimony and have incurred no great debts to worry about.   Some carefully guarded savings.    So I find other stuff to worry about.  Not that I .......still........wouldn't  like to find my niche in life that pays..........and maybe and maybe not that will happen.  But still......I'm on the edge so it feels.   I don't want to pay anymore for "medical mental health care" though.

 

Pasta salad is working out well for me today and ensure......3 so far.  I think if I could get deli containers of stuff from the deli dept. and more ensure that will work for a couple of days.  This stuff is great.....Tortellini with roasted tomato pesto from Whole Foods.  I think it is pretty all safe and natural ingrediants.

 

........and I have a few more bags of dandelion not coffee coffee.

 

Negotiations with my ex did not go well......but not on account of me...........he brought the food though.  I may eat it all today.  Surprised as I got over the upset pretty quick.  I will have to practice some communication skills with him again after a cool off by him.  I don't need people storming off around right now.

 

It's excruciatingly difficult to do it without money, you're extremely lucky.  It's still going to suck really badly with money in the bank, but you'll be able to call the shots and do what ever you want on your own time.  Maybe take a vacation or something, and not have to stress every night about going bankrupt etc etc.  I often just want to blow my brains out with a gun because of my situation, but I just sort of hold back and don't do it (I don't own a gun, so that helps too).

 

I doubt I'll be able to make much of anything if this condition doesn't improve, I'm like 1/10th what I used to be.  I honestly am just milking my parents for money now, I've lost virtually all hope at this point and don't really care about too much anymore.  You'll probably avoid hitting that extreme bottom with a financial cushion, and will probably recover quicker because you can avoid a great deal of stress.  I'm not sure if I'll ever recover BECAUSE of all of this stress.

 

It seems to me that you're still a little bit too comfortable with doctors and medicine.  That's very dangerous, because if things get crazy (e.g., you end up with a psycotic episode or something) you may be comfortable going to a doctor to try to medicate it away.  I'd only use the bare essential medicine, and try not to use any over the counter drugs.  There's no magic bullet.  It's brain damage, you're screwed for a while, until you heal or not.  Nothing is going to make that go away.  The sooner you accept this reality, the less damage you will cause by adding new chemicals into the mix.  That's just my opinion on the subject, you're free to do as you wish - obviously.

 

I'd throw away the salts, they're not doing you any good.

 

Testing out the quotes.

 

Well......got the salts moved to the back of the spice drawer.  I actually more concerned about the possibility of any help deciding to go for them or something.  But if you remember........tell me again.........in about 2 and 1/2 weeks and I will find my environmentally conscious way to get them in the trash.  Maybe mixed with catlitter and moistened and then bagged separately.  Seems like down the toilet is not such a good idea.

 

Sure it all sounds better but I am not without my moments of believing early nursing home residence and ward of the state or (medicaid) is right around the corner.  My main stress really is about how the heck I will ever get this house ready for sale in approx. 2 years and then where I will go..........meantime......a day at a time.

 

I don't think I will hit frank negative psychosis or act completely crazy enough for voluntary or in voluntary hospitalization.  It's a process..........really it is.........and I am at the start of it...........saying goodbye to psychiatry.  And continuing to trust in my own decisions and inner voice somehow through it.

 

A lot of segways today from one state to another.  Best of all though is the wind sounds which sound like the ocean and listening to my favorite radio station for a bit.

 

I wish I could remember that after Effexor period of my life better..........I really think I stopped with the more frequent ups and downs...........I know they were like every 2 mos. at that point.

 

Anyway........just getting to the throw away of salts and hanging in.  Eating and I think I have got my weight on up where it's comfortable and clothing fits almost.  I mean I can't cover all the variables right now.

 

I definitely agree.......that I am way too comfortable with Drs and medicine.............it's all a process and I just want to find the neutral of it.  I mean I spent a great deal of my life believing it in.........it was my career..........sure I had misgivings back then too but.........IDK.........maybe that helps explain how tough it is.

 

What was your degree in?

 

Yup.......a vacation...........wouldn't that be wild if I was up for that anytime soon.  I think somewhere with a beach in the fall would be great........or completely off season.  Yes, completely off season would be great.  Get my guts up to ask either one or both of old friends I know to provide accommodations and figure out how to explain  my convalescence.    I probably will get tons of pressure to make my visit at Christmas with my Mom in AZ.  And I spose if that comes first even that is okay.  We manage to do okay.........it's by no means perfect or a total vacation destination but........anyway..........  Sure hoping I don't have to hit her up for large amounts of $$$ ever but that would be okay too.......if needed for some of this home maintenance stuff which frankly just is not happening now.  One of my sibs has had to over and over but she(mom) deducts it from the final estate.  I just don't want her to die.......ever........and if her own care and living takes care of her estate that's fine too.

 

Well....nice chat......hope the "shoot yourself in the head" passes for a bit.

 

 

I'm sure you can just hire someone to prepare the house for selling in 2 years if you have the spare cash.   With enough money, you can almost literally move mountains.  Might cost you a couple thousand dollars to clean the house, but I'm 100% certain you can totally hire someone to do that for you.

 

I understand your reluctance to throw away the meds and abandon psychiatry, it's oonly natural to hold onto something that you were involved in for so long.  But once you do, you might find yourself angry at the whole system for suckering you into believing lies for so many years and for making you extremely sick.

 

In regards to explaining your situation to others, I usually just say I'm having "health related issues" and just tell them straight up.  Most people will say they're sorry and that's it.  Close friends and family react differently, some totally accept it and get depressed, others try to help you best they can, while others just sort of stop talking to you and are in total denial of the whole thing.   It took me a LONG TIME to get to the point of telling anyone but my closest friends and family that I was sick, but now that it's been going on for 2+ years, I don't feel like I have any choice in the matter - it's officially here to stay for a while and I might as well accept my condition and be willing to talk about it.  It's part of who I am now, for better or for worse.

 

I'm not sure if the "self harm" situation will ever totally dissipate until I can provide for myself and pay off my debts, etc, and enjoy life in even a small meaningful way, but there's no way I'd ever go through with the plans.  I just think about it a lot because I have a hard time coping with the pain and disability and want to just end the difficulties.

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Health related issues.  HRI.  Okay.

 

I do of course, find myself angry at the whole system from time to time.  Rabidly so.  And at myself too.......for being such a believer for so long.  I just want to get so healed and give a few speeches.........even if they all boo and hiss.  I mean I think I will get to the making noise stage of advocacy.  Someone posted that they are giving babies some of this crap now.  That really makes me ill.  Just ill.

 

Yah......the house and all is probably doable in 2 years.  Not tons of cash but when I get going with it I will do it.  Lot of emotions in all this, keep that in mind too.

 

And sheesh......my son.  Did I mention I have a 23 year old.  He may require some more funding one of these days......to be determined.  I mean I want to be able to help him out as well, as I have been doing, and just in case always have a spot for him to come chill when needed.   Out of all of it.........he matters the most and always will. 

 

Biology phd.........  found it.  That's what you earned.

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Morning is good so far.  10pm trileptal and at least some solid sleep from midnight to 6:30.  Just that head clarity.  And although I really didn't care anymore about paying bills and making the house payment(I mean very little left to go on the mortgage and where else could I live for $641.00 a mos.).......I did that last pm.  Not all the bills mind you but the first 2.

 

I guess I know that I can't make all of it comfortable and stress free right away.  And certainly don't want to overdo today.  Some of the psychobabble.....cognitive stuff from my lengthy past may help........one or two things........mindfully........reward mentally, etc.

 

Glad in my scanning today too that I saw that Alto had maybe used a bit of Lamictal to get through.

 

And maybe the Trileptal will be the last one.......and will help someone else when I can share it retrospectively and I will at some later date finally be free.

 

Anyway osk.......thanks......I'm not sure what first step would be........probably finding a trusted cohort to hold my hand and help me organize for a stepwise approach to a way simpler living situation.  Man.......I hope I get my creative and patience back in time to have some fun with my home........and a slow goodbye to it.........and an enthusiastic thrill to my next chapter.

 

Cabin in the woods?  Park an RV at a couple locations?  55 and over community with amenities?  I am 57, by the way.  And today.....fully want and expect another 30 or so years..........to contribute to live to watch my own son make it in some manner........to have a balanced life of my own making.....

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anyway...........WINDOW WINDOW WINDOW dance as this morning wears on.......only virtually of course

 

Still extremely difficult to put words clearly out there or it feels like that......maybe more can't be concise.  And this weakness of body but not extreme.....just like I need more rest and warning: go slow type thing.

 

But the thoughts and clarity and even that sense of just oh another day with a smile when I woke up.

 

I will keep you all posted.........

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........window over for a couple of hours now.  Unraveling.  Yes, completely unraveling in a somewhat controlled manner.  Where it all was clear.......is gone.  And okay......not the horrible intensity of back when ?  Just gonna have to shorten my days IF I wake up as I did today.  And do what I can.

 

Did nothing really but what seemed like productive obsessing.......some eating.

 

These extremes are fairly "normal" I take it........what about the obsessing?  I sent myself 10 e-mails today trying to work out/let go of the same issue.  Okay.....I have to laugh......CAN laugh at myself.  That is really all I have to report for productive living.  But did FEEL clearer for so much of the day.

 

On compassion and empathy and others and dealing again.........my problem is I don't really believe any one will get it or believe me.......so to present it in any manner is just not the right manner.........and then I always kind of say at the end........I know you don't get it.  How are they gonna get it presented liked that?  And right now........yah.........who cares if they get it........darn them all.  I am having health related issues.

 

As that window broke all I could think of was osk saying I would wind up back in the psych hospital as I haven't quite broken all ties with "them".  No, no, no I won't go back.  And I am glad for the challenge frankly.  I will never go back.

 

I give all my thanks to bedtime now.........may I wake up clear again and try for some normality of functioning.........something anything will do.

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Nope.......mildly cortisol morning after must have got some sleep.

 

Ensure and bananas and tea and dozing off and on and up and down.

 

Starting to put all my energy toward some water therapy.......bath and shower mostly bath........maybe by the end of the day........or not.

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Yeah.......I say to myself.  That was all normal.......as far as WD......the extremes and obsessing.

 

I did note that the shaky and moderate cortisol response kicked in in tandem with my am coffee.  So will try going right to this fake coffee.....dandelion roast tomorrow and maybe saving that one real cup for later in the day or not at all if no headaches or anything.  I do so love my hot beverages to have and to hold.  But CAN replace what they consist of.

 

A week off the salts.  7 mos. or so off the Lexapro.  Maybe I will get the hang of this kind of life for awhile.  Not really gonna think too much about the Trileptal for now.  I don't think I have taken any of the B12 at bedtime for a bit either........I'll try and update my signature at some point.........with retrospective fragments.......

 

And keep try, trying to get some kind of pattern to my days or figure out what the pattern is for awhile that I can expect. 

 

For me anyway I think the little bit of salts was enough head clearing to get me out of the hospital last Oct.  when the Lexapro W/D basically overcame me completely.  Feeling lucky that it was short term low dose.  Though I still won't feel completely clear of it until I hit 3 weeks for some unknown reason.......must have been something I read.  Hoping the trilept proves to be the last of the evils and somehow the right choice for me to cope with the rest.

 

Seems like even with people too......in the end everyone kind of does this on their own.......finding some precious morsels that help for awhile.  Anyway......not feeling so alone and afraid with it all anymore.

 

.........still mentally working on that water therapy and how good it is going to feel if I can get to dressed and out one of these days.........otherwise.....it's okay this morning so far.

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Yeah.......I say to myself.  That was all normal.......as far as WD......the extremes and obsessing.

 

I did note that the shaky and moderate cortisol response kicked in in tandem with my am coffee.  So will try going right to this fake coffee.....dandelion roast tomorrow and maybe saving that one real cup for later in the day or not at all if no headaches or anything.  I do so love my hot beverages to have and to hold.  But CAN replace what they consist of.

 

A week off the salts.  7 mos. or so off the Lexapro.  Maybe I will get the hang of this kind of life for awhile.  Not really gonna think too much about the Trileptal for now.  I don't think I have taken any of the B12 at bedtime for a bit either........I'll try and update my signature at some point.........with retrospective fragments.......

 

And keep try, trying to get some kind of pattern to my days or figure out what the pattern is for awhile that I can expect. 

 

For me anyway I think the little bit of salts was enough head clearing to get me out of the hospital last Oct.  when the Lexapro W/D basically overcame me completely.  Feeling lucky that it was short term low dose.  Though I still won't feel completely clear of it until I hit 3 weeks for some unknown reason.......must have been something I read.  Hoping the trilept proves to be the last of the evils and somehow the right choice for me to cope with the rest.

 

Seems like even with people too......in the end everyone kind of does this on their own.......finding some precious morsels that help for awhile.  Anyway......not feeling so alone and afraid with it all anymore.

 

.........still mentally working on that water therapy and how good it is going to feel if I can get to dressed and out one of these days.........otherwise.....it's okay this morning so far.

 

Sounds like you're doing OK.  As your brain recalibrate itself after being damaged by the medications, you should expect crazy mood swings, manic, then depressive, then ____ for a while.  There's really no way to stop this, it's just normal and healthy.  You're lucky that you feel emotions at all.  I often feel like a walking zombie.

 

If you're feeling windows it means that your body can heal to that "window" state indefinitely at some point, just need to be patient.

 

Adderall salts helped me completely my degree, without them I'd be disabled and without a degree.  They served their purpose, but also caused me a great deal of problems as well.  Definitely not someone you want to take without a very important reason.  Might exacerbate WD or prolong healing.

 

Your dose is very very small, so it won't take you too long to fully recover from them.  Adderall is nothing compared to SSRIS when it comes to discontinuation.  If you took adderall every single day at 2.5mg for a year, it might only take a couple of months to feel more or less completely normal.  The small dose also means that you won't notice with WD quite as much.

 

How many years did you take the adderall?

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Never years on adderal.  6 mos. this time.....low dose.  And only once before used any kind of prescribed stimulatnt-----that time Vyvanse probably 6 mos. or less.  Even though I know I have no inborn ADD just med induced.......and I think I have convinced my shrink of that,  not that it matters but maybe in her old age or retirement years or something she will study this stuff.  Doubtful.

 

How bout you?  Did you use that stuff as a kid after a diagnosis or what??

 

I'm disabled with education too.  And a career history.  I mean sometimes that helps as I think others give you a bit more validity for existing.

 

Saturday......June 6th, Live from SA.

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Bulk of bills paid!!!!!!!

 

It feels like an okay weekend halfway into it.  Usually I hate weekends with a passion.  I'll see how Sunday goes.

 

Water therapy and hygiene and walk today.  I will probably be out tomorrow or all achy and bobbleheaded for a long time.

 

When I feel good I feel pretty good but don't really get much more practical stuff done.  Very rustic around here now.......like I am camping at home.

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I still feel pretty good and clear........and body not so weak and achy.  I just can't figure out how to create a day. 

 

Anyway.....I hope I don't spend all day pondering it and actually do create another day.  So tired of being on such a complete hold.

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