Georgina: introducing myself

[Martina23]

Hello Georgina, I think you can always stop drinking. But you need a really good reason for it so that you dont start again. I was a heavy smoker almost all my life. I tried so many times to stop, I always started again. And then I went pregnant and told myself I can not smoke now, I will stop. I did and it was such a reason that I did not start again and now it is already three years and I dont smoke.

[brassmonkey]

Hi Georgina-- I've been there and know exactly what you're feeling.  I know it sounds simplistic, but if you don't want to drink anymore, then don't drink anymore.  Every time you feel the urge you must make a conscience decision not to. Not because drinking is bad for you, not because its expensive, not because of anything, but because you want to stop.  The first 90 days are the hardest as the addiction works its way out of your system, then it starts getting easier.  While it's happening you should start to feel better.  In the beginning it's one day at a time, one drink at a time.

 

Not to give you an excuse but, ADs and APs have a known habit of increasing alcohol cravings, decreasing alcohols effects, and lowering a persons resistance to it.  For some people they make them want to drink to excess and not give a d*** about it.  As you lower your dose of drugs this symptom will decrease and things will become easier.  But for the time being just knowing that the drugs are part of the problem can help you with your task.

 

No recriminations the past is over and done with, time to move on. No health anxiety, stop talking to Dr Google.  Don't ask why you have been doing it, that can be worked on once your sober for a while.  Just decide to make the change and go for it. 

 

(((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

[Georgina]

Thank you, both. I will respond at greater length in the next day or two once I have thought through this (and don't have a beer in my hand). Brassmonkey, you are just so inspiring. Thank you.

[SquirrellyGirl]

H Georgina, 

 

I do think you can stop drinking and it sounds like you really want to.  I'm just wondering about the implications of dependency.  I know with alcoholism it is really about just stopping outright and never taking another sip.  But I wonder about the physical dependency, and is it actually good for the nervous system to do so while in withdrawal?  

 

Whatever the case, I think there is some reason behind it that you are using alcohol as an "external solution."  In the Emotional Brain Training method that I have been doing, we look at excesses such as eating, drinking, smoking, indulging in technology, etc. as external solutions to our problems, rather than looking to our sanctuary inside.  You could say "I get my [love, safety, nurturing, etc.] from [eating, drinking, smoking, gambling, compulsive web-surfing, etc].  To outright stop drinking leaves you high and dry with no alternative for where to get that need filled.  In reality, we need to get it from inside, but that is hard to come by when you never learned to self-soothe or cope with stress in healthy ways.

 

You wrote the way I used to feel, very down on yourself, very judgmental towards yourself  I am guessing that self-esteem is generally an issue for you, as it very much was for me.  Or I could be totally wrong.  Maybe there's the genetics for addiction there for you. For me, it was very much about how I was raised, and with my mom's mom being a depressed mother who was hospitalized for 6 months after having my mom and her twin, I can guess that she wasn't raised with overt expressions of love and nurturing, so she didn't have it to pass to me!

 

I'll put the link for the Eckhart Tolle audio that I have been sharing a lot but I think it fits here, as well.  Have a listen and see what you think.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PCSe2cqY_w

 

In EBT, we don't try to deny ourselves our "solution" because we will be doomed to fail without a healthier option in place first, and that is probably what has happened to you thus far in your efforts to stop.  At first what we do is look at that "circuit," that solution, and recognize what that solution does for you.  It might be "I get my safety from alcohol."  When you decide to reach for another drink, what feeling do you get from that - comfort, safety, what?  Then, just notice that.  Just be aware of what it is you might be getting from it, what need is being filled inside.

 

What we need to do is develop a sense of sanctuary inside, a feeling of security and safety.  I feel what helped me do that in part was seeing my sanctuary inside as being a place of sunlight that dwelled within my chest, where I saw myself as a little girl when I was happy and carefree.  I think of her and know that she doesn't deserve to be judged.  She deserves to be cherished, protected, and loved.  She is innocent and deserving, worthy of love and safety.

 

I was once bulimic, starting at 16.  I had such self-loathing, and binging and purging was about the most abusive thing I could do to myself.  I had no regard for my health.  I hated my fat self. My body was my enemy.   Now I have made peace with my body and actually feel sympathy for it, that it was not at fault, it is not the enemy.  It is the only vessel I have to contain "Me," and it deserves to be cared for.

 

Should you decide to cold turkey alcohol, please try to be kind to yourself and develop that place of sanctuary inside.  Maybe we never got it when we were little, but we can still create it for ourselves now. When we do that, we find that the "external solution" loses its power. 

 

Peace!

SG

[Georgina]

Hi, 

 

Thank you both Brassmonkey and SG. I am going to give it a go - and I feel really scared as I write this. I had two beers last night and as I was walking with my fiancé, the only thing going through my head was "I hope he suggests a drink so that I don't have to". It was awful, awful, awful. I have known him for a number of years and we have been very happy together, although we have always drunk too much together. I told him my fear that he would find my boring if I stopped drinking and have no one to keep him company and he told me straight that I need to stop making excuses and just not drink. He said he would be much happier if he didn't have to go through days after drinking of me asking him whether he thought I was going to die, get cancer or make God unhappy! So, maybe I can just give it a try. The anxiety of the last few days has been awful - I feel weird most of the time. I open the door and I have a weird thought, I look at him and have a weird thought - it's like by brain is trying to click back into place after days of heavy drinking. I threw the Nicolette away - I don't want to get addicted to it again - I haven't used it in a couple of months so chucked it last night before I start full-time again. I am also having the most awful dreams. Anyway - is this normal from drinking? I don't even know why I am asking that because I know the answer. Reasons I drink: ever since I can remember, I have been scared of something. Mostly entered around disease and dying - either myself dying or a person I love dying (even as I type this I feel teary, so it's a very powerful feeling for me). I know I have been like this since about 10 years old. I don't know what triggered it. I have tried to deal with the anxiety in a number of different ways over the years - firstly by taking up smoking at 16, then drinking quite heavily and pursuing relationship after relationship until I was 21. Then I was sober for a few years, had a bad break up, took up drinking again, stopped, left the country (I am an Antipodean) and went to the UK. I have been here for eight years. I have since realised that I may have a narcissistic mother (I feel so guilty writing that). I have been drinking pretty much in earnest since I arrived. I drink because I am afraid and that is most of the time. But, the anxiety is getting too much for me (from drinking). I can't do it anymore - worry what I am doing to my health, what a bad Christian I am etc etc. Can anyone relate to this? Brass monkey, is this how you felt? Anyway - I am going to give it a go, but I am so scared I can't manage. 

[SquirrellyGirl]

You can manage, Georgina, one moment at a time!  Do not indulge yourself in thinking about the future.  Catch yourself when you start thinking and worrying.  Tell yourself you are not doing anything good for yourself by worrying about the future.  You may have good reasons from the past for why you are the way you are, but remember, the past is now just a story.  Listen to the audio above again.  Go to youtube and find other clips of Eckhart; there are many with different topics, so just find a topic that resonates for you.  You only have this moment.  You have survived previous moments to reach to being at this one.  Can you say that at this moment you are ok?  Most of us can.  

 

When you find yourself feeling guilt, notice it.  Can't you honestly say that for where you were at at the time, you did the best you could?  Even if we look back and see that we could have done better, at that moment in the best, we really did do the best we could for who we were at that time.  There is nothing that can be done about the past, other than to have awareness in the present and vow not to repeat past mistakes.  

 

You are fortunate to have a BF who clearly loves you and wants to support you in doing what is best for you.   Now you have to figure out what you can do to nurture yourself when you find yourself tempted to reach for the alcohol and nicotine.  What feelings are there?  You will read over and over in people's threads that they have learned to sit with their anxiety, fear, uncomfortable feelings, not fight them but be with them, accept them, and let them float on by.  If your BF is handy, just sit snuggled up with him when you feel this way, and just be.  I'm sure you will find the feelings pass and lose their power.

 

Meanwhile, there's lots of CBT self help on the web.  Here's one to start: http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/SelfHelpCourse.pdf

 

You can do this, Georgina!

 

SG

[Georgina]

Thank you so much SG! I also have a copy of The Power of Now handy. I've had it for five years. Maybe I should read it.

[SquirrellyGirl]

Thank you so much SG! I also have a copy of The Power of Now handy. I've had it for five years. Maybe I should read it.

Oh definitely!

 

Maybe none of it will resonate with you, but I know that I have derived so much inner peace from reading and listening to Eckhart!  If not him, then maybe something else will help, but you just have to keep looking and asking :-)

 

SG

[brassmonkey]

Hi Georgina--  It's really scary stuff to have to face yourself and try to unravel all the different threads.  Little bits at a time and it will fall into place. Many times there isn't a concrete answer for why we have a certain feeling. Which is a good reason to abandon that feeling.  There are lots of techniques for letting them go, worry boxes, writing it out and burning the paper that sort of thing.  It sounds like you have some good ideas as to where to start.

 

I was self medicating because of the physical pain.  I'd been on paxil for 18 years and worked up to a 40mg dose because of progressive tolerance.  One of the hallmark symptoms of paxil is fibromyalgia (sp) like pain and I had it really good.  It also gave me an excuse for why I felt so bad in general, not realizing that the drugs were causing it.  Once I realized that my life was rapidly falling apart because of the drugs and alcohol I was able to make the commitment to stop drinking and find out how to get off of the paxil. It was very scary to face the pain "unmedicated" and the prospect of the WD symptoms but that was better than the alternative of the crash and burn and loss of everything that I was facing.

[Georgina]

Hi! 

 

So, this is where I am today ... I had massive anxiety feelings this morning but I think that is because I am back at work today. The day went ok except for the feeling of hanging like anything for Nicorette. Also, coupled with the anxiety that I have decided not to drink for January - I have been feeling very, very panicky. So, I bought Nicorette and I don't know if I am ready to go completely alcohol free yet. I don't drink every day (except for the last few weeks [holidays[) and before the holidays I was doing a little better - re. the alcohol - I was drinking lower strength beer and bring to drink less of them. I was also sometimes successful at not drinking on Sundays so that I don't start Monday hungover and more anxious than normal). So, I have had to pray and say that, God, this is just the way I am at the moment - I can't, or don't want to stop this yet - I don't know which it is, but the trying to stop it is causing me excruciating anxiety so I have to leave it be for now. I feel a little calmer already. The difficulty I have is that all this white knuckling makes me feel so much less closer to God or even been able to pray in and way. i am not over religious but I do believe in God and I feel like all my worry about what I should be doing and am not doing is getting more in the way of my relationship with God than anything else. Another thing I haven't posted here is that before the holidays I was also running regularly - something that did work to calm me even if I was swearing at people cycling on the pavement or loud motorcycles driving past me. I haven't been running in a week or so, was massively hungover after New Year and kept having severe health anxiety (I know which is not made better by the alcohol). However, I am trying to look at it logically here - if my mother has been drinking steadily every night since I can remember and doesn't have a dire disease yet then maybe I am overreacting by saying I HAVE TO DO THIS NOW. This is where my problem is coming in - the pressure I am putting on myself. I feel better already. Poise things I did today - I wrote a list of all the things I have achieved over the past three years (more than I have in my life) - I will share them here: I have stayed in one job for nearly  three years (my longest has been a year). I have passed a GCSE Maths Equivalent (Brassmonkey will know my limits with maths). I also obtained a British passport after passing all those tests and paying all that money. I paid off a huge overdraft, myself! - without asking for money from others. I got the equivalent of my teaching qualification in England - numerous testing involved - even while I had to teach myself new syllabi and then teach them to GCSE and A-level students. I stopped smoking (still Nicorette addicted though) and I got engaged. I also stopped talking to my mother very day (very difficult it was because of the nature of our relationship) and that was difficult - we only talk once a week now, and all of these things have helped me. I have never sat and thought about what I have done - I am always thinking about what I haven't or how awful I am. I am trying to be a better person every day and it is hard because all the time, I am trying to come off anti-depressants that I am afraid I might never come off! But it seems that slow and steady in everything is the way. I downloaded 'The Power of One' to my audiobook - it will give me something to listen to on the way to work. 

 

Thank you Brassmonkey for sharing your struggles and hope with everyone and thank you SG for your words of wisdom and advice. 

 

"When you find yourself feeling guilt, notice it.  Can't you honestly say that for where you were at at the time, you did the best you could?  Even if we look back and see that we could have done better, at that moment in the best, we really did do the best we could for who we were at that time.  There is nothing that can be done about the past, other than to have awareness in the present and vow not to repeat past mistakes. " (SG) - thank you for this - I think that I can say that for where I was I tried the best I could ... 

 

​Anyway - I think the alcohol and nicotine struggle is here for now - but maybe I should stop seeing it as a struggle for now and just let it be. It's the way I struggle with it that is hurting me the most - not the actual doing it (I think). I am taking steps to reduce it. Maybe that's ok for now. 

 

​Anyway - I hope everyone is having a good day. Oh and another thing I don't do anymore - I am not obsessively cleaning (and what a relief that is). That has been an albatross since I can remember. I have a cleaner every two weeks and the rest of the time I just accept that things cannot be perfect. I am much happier like that. That was a process too - it didn't happen overnight - I knew I wanted to change the way I approached cleaning and many things contributed to me being able to let the cleaning obsession go. I don't know what all of those things are yet. Ok, I am going now. 

 

Thanks for listening. 

[Georgina]

I mean 'The Power of Now'. The 'Power of One' is a good read though! Not really appropriate here! 

[brassmonkey]

You've had a very busy three years, I'm impressed.  You should be proud of all that you've accomplished.

[SquirrellyGirl]

Excellent update, Georgina! 

 

SG

[Georgina]

Good afternoon, 

 

The last few days have been a bit up and down - Tuesday I was very ratty and that is why I decided to purchase Nicorette again. I have been using it a lot but, as I said, that is just the way it is for now. I have set a date to stop again - it falls in the middle of two drops of Sertraline, so hopefully I will feel stable enough to carry it through. I have been listening to Eckhart Tolle 'The Power of Now' on my way to work every morning and it is fabulous. I am really trying to stay in the 'now' - it's really hard at times and last night (I was very tired and we went to see a show) - I found it almost impossible. So, I didn't enjoy the show much as a result as I kept trying to 'force' myself into the 'now'. I think I was overtired after the first week back at work. Anyway - what I have noticed staying in the 'now' helps with is not letting my mind wander - particularly around issues of health anxiety - as a result, I have a little more energy and I don't feel so tired. I am also not as angry and volatile - if I focus immediately on THE feeling of irritation or anger, I feel less angry immediately. As a result, I am finding my runs a lot more pleasant as I am not swearing at anyone (hardly anyone). I also notice that people act differently towards me if I try and stay in the 'now'. They seem much nicer.  Anyway - tomorrow is my next 5% drop (I was thinking of doing 10% but don't want to put myself under too much pressure). If this process takes three years, then it takes three years. I think I am accepting that now ... it's better than feeling like I did the last time I tried to stop too quickly. I am trying to drink less and haven't had a proper alcoholic drink Mon-Thurs. I had a little dash of bitters in soda but the alcohol content is negligible. It's probably the equivalent of gargling mouthwash. I had a few beers last night (but small ones, lower alcohol content). I hope everyone is well. Ah, something else that helps me focus, which I haven't said on here, is reading books I really enjoyed as a child (at the moment I am rereading -again and again! - a story of a young red-haired orphan -! growing up on Prince Edward Island ). I find reading something I don't have to think about and can just enjoy a distraction. I lie to my fiancé however and tell him I am reading Chekov (as I am reading on my Kindle). I think he knows though! Anyway - it helps me so might help others. 

 

Have a good weekend. 

[SquirrellyGirl]

Georgina, what a wonderful post!  You have done some very good work!  As for staying present, no need to judge yourself, but just notice when you are thinking and whether those thoughts are problematic, and then interrupt them and nudge yourself back.  I like Eckhart's lessons about the Pain Body; if you haven't listened to any of that in the Power of Now audio, you can listen here:  

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/10992-eckhart-tolle-the-pain-body-and-mental-suffering-during-withdrawal/

 

Nicotine is very addictive and so doing a cold turkey would be very tough.  How about figuring out how much Nicorette you would routinely use in a day and then try to taper it in a similar fashion as the meds?    Let your system adapt to doing with a little less.  Perhaps the same with the alcohol.  All or nothing can leave us with a sense of failure if we fall, and the last thing we need is more guilt and self-judgement!

 

I have taken to 5% cuts twice a month as well, find the WD negligible.

 

Have a lovely day (or night?),

SG

[Georgina]

Hi SG,

 

Thanks for the reply! I will listen to the pain body - I think it is part of the audiobook but I don't know - I will let you know how it goes. Thanks for the advice re the Nicorette. I think that's actually a very good idea because now that I am using it again (I use the spray as it's the most effective for me to reduce cravings) I can't see how I can do without it! But I can, I know that, because I have done so before. I will rather cut it down - I don't want to put too much stress on my body - and also - as soon as I have decided I will cut it down, I don't feel so pressurised! 

 

Have a lovely day or night too! (It's night here now).

[Georgina]

Hi all,

 

I am just checking in. I am still using Nicorette - looking at a 'weaning' option because I have been googling nicotine and brain aneurisms and though nothing definitive comes up - I think its the other stuff in cigarettes that causes aneurisms - I find I still feel more anxious now that I am using nicotine again. However, I also really like it ... the drop is going okay - it's definitely better for me to do smaller drops - I have been doing 5% over six weeks - I think I may do 5% every 3 weeks and see how that goes. This is still a maybe - I haven't decided yet. I am still drinking but trying to keep it down and have succeeded to drink less the last two weeks. Exercise really helps me unwind, particularly running - I am really starting to enjoy it. And, I am still listening to 'The Power of Now'. It's great to bring me back to the present and to help me realise how often I ruminate - because I ruminate less I seem to have more energy. I hope everyone is well. Please take care. 

 

G

[SquirrellyGirl]

Georgina, thanks so much for that update!  I am so happy for you that things are going better.  You are doing an excellent job of self-care, very sane steps towards reducing the nicotine and alcohol.  I think it is very wise to treat those as drugs to taper.  You sound very grounded and in control of your destiny!  I think the 5% every 3 weeks is still very reasonable.  Just keep that journal. 

 

Hugs to you!

SG

[Georgina]

Hi all,

 

I am trying to taper the Nicorette - I am not taking the 'quick mist' to work, only gum - and I really don't like the gum. It's very interesting - I have never really paid any attention to how irritated I feel without nicotine - and I really noticed it this week. I very consciously noticed how I was felling and how out of control my temper was and as soon as I gave myself a little nicotine - I suddenly felt better. I didn't realise what a powerful drug it is ... all the stop smoking literature says it's addictive, powerful etc. but it only became very clear to me how addictive this week. I had too many beers last night but am trying not to beat myself up about it - tomorrow I am going to drop by a further 5% (so, I am trying 10% over six weeks basically in 5% increments). Still listening to Eckhart Tolle - I have listened to the audiobook a few times now and each time I hear something different. I hope everyone is well; take care. 

[Georgina]

Can I just check that 28mg of active ingredient would be worked out like this:

 

4.2*28 = 118 meaning 118 will give me 28mg of active ingredient. 

 

The pills weigh 210mgpw with 50mg active ingredient - 210/50

 

I am using your calculations Brassmonkey (see post on 9 December 2015) 

 

Thank you. 

[Fresh]

This is how I would work it out:

 

50mg active ingredient = 210 mg pill weight

1mg   active ingredient = 4.2 mg

 

So 28 mg = 28 x 4.2  = 117.60  (which is just about 118mg pill weight).

 

Well done.

[SquirrellyGirl]

Georgina, you're doing a great job!  You are reaching a level of awareness that I think will ensure your success!  And good job for not beating yourself up.  The alcohol and nicotine addictions have the added whammy of craving which is hard to deal with, so I am glad that you didn't beat yourself up for a lapse.  Maybe think of the alcohol in terms of your AD, tapering.  Think of it as if you were to take way more of your drug than where you are at, and how that would set you back and destabilize your nervous system.  That might help you stop at the tline, and then you can nudge that line down.

 

SG

[Georgina]

Thanks Fresh and SG! SG - some very sound advice. Thank you - I hope all is well with you. 

[Georgina]

Hi all,

 

I haven't posted in a while and thought I would give an update. I have decided to hold my last drop for an extra week because as I was driving home today I had a panic attack and the last few weeks have been very unsettled - so, better safe than sorry. Since reading Eckhart Tolle I am becoming much better at observing myself: just before my panic attack I had a weird pain in my head and my first thought was: "I am dying of a brain aneurysm, I don't want to die! I have to phone my fiancé one last time!" ... well, I think that even someone who was not withdrawing from antidepressants might have found those thoughts distressing. I recovered fairly quickly, came home and made myself go for a run. I have also noticed how uptight I get when certain people are around me, especially people who infringe on my personal space and who insist on conversing when all I want is quiet (I refer particularly to the staffroom at work). Anyway, I hope everyone is well - sorry that I haven't posted in a while but I find it really difficult to get online sometimes because sometimes I just need to let my brain rest. It's the run up to exams and I am marking so much coursework and it is really draining. On another note, for anyone who likes reading, I recently read 'The Remains of the Day' by Kazuo Ishiguro. It's just fabulous (once you get past the first chapter or so). 

 

Take care all. 

[Cheeky]

Hey Georgina ,

I've been reading through your thread and know very well how you've been feeling throughout this. I was put on Paxil at 17 years of age becouse it was a wonder drug at the time and my dr thought it could be useful at the time to get through life's circumstances. I never had any aniexty or panic attacks I just thought it was like over the counter medication the more you took the better you'd feel. I tried numerous times quitting but did it the wrong way and went back on within a few days.

My dr told me to cold turkey Paxil as it wasn't working as well but that was because I was partying with recreational drugs at the time and was having come downs. I tried 3 different drugs within 3 months and it wad the worst time in my life. I'm currently on 40mg of Paxil and am Going to start my slow tapper. It's a great achievement you've gotten down to 26mg. You've given me hope and I don't think you realise how strong you actually are. I'm also a smoker and I use to drink but gave up drinking 4 years ago. My personality is I do everything to the extreme and I think Paxil is the course to all of this, sugar, alcohol , smoking etc. I'm much better now as I'm older and I see myself doing these things . I have a very stressful job and have two beautiful boys I love to death so I need im sanity. I think the longer your on these drugs the slower you need to take for your brain to,adjust. Brass monkey has the right idea and i like what he has to advise. Good luck Hun, your not on your own in this . Take care

[SquirrellyGirl]

How are you doing, Georgina?

 

SG

[Georgina]

Hi Both Cheeky and SG,

 

Sorry I have been quiet but I am currently on the way home from the airport (I have been away) so will send a more lengthy reply when I have recovered from travelling (I'm pretty exhausted at this very moment!) I hope you are well. Will update in a day or two. Take care xxxx

[Georgina]

Hello all, 

 

Thank you Cheeky for reading through my thread and for your response. Thanks SG for checking up on me and sorry that I have been so quiet. I have just been away for ten days and it was gorgeous. I went back home and it was sunny, hot and I did not want to come back to rainy England. I have, however, now been back for two days and am starting to adjust a little after a lot of tears. I travelled on my own and I find flying quite stressful anyway - this stress is compounded by the AD withdrawal (even though I am taking it very slowly) and the fact that I drink too much. I am still battling with alcohol (specifically, beer) and keep saying to myself that I am going to take a break from it but never quite manage that. I then proceed to beat myself up and scare myself with cancer statistics for drinkers (which is, actually, not all that high and I have realised that there is a lot of scaremongering going on in the media re. alcohol/red meat/etc etc and whatever else causes cancer) - so, sometimes I am successful at not scaring myself silly and other times I am not. The stress of all of this makes me want to drink more. It's the same with Nicorette Quickmist. The thought of stopping it really scares me and the thought of continuing with it also scares me (cancer statistics, risk of aneurism etc.) Again, I am sure the statistics and studies are negligible and all the NHS health campaigns DO NOT HELP!!!! Besides my obvious health anxiety, the withdrawal is going well. I have very few side effects with the 5% drops and might start taking the drops a little bit faster. I spent the day yesterday (not great after the stress of travelling) at the eye hospital - I have a visual field defect called AZOOR and I wonder if the Sertraline is somehow responsible for this (apparently it is a very rare condition). I haven't been listening to Eckhart Tolle while I have been away and I do battle to stay in the NOW, particularly when I start convincing myself of my imminent death from some awful disease. 

 

I hope that both of you are well and thank you very much, Cheeky, for sharing your story because it gives me hope too (particularly regarding alcohol abstinence!) 

[SquirrellyGirl]

Hi Georgina, 

Thanks for updating us - it is good to hear that you are doing reasonably well!  You know, you are doing a really good job, so literally give yourself a pat on the back :-)  

 

I had gotten busy and so hadn't been listening to ET, but yesterday I listened to the Pain Body audios again, and realized my pain body had been in the control seat, though not totally inflamed, for awhile now.  I guess listening to ET over and over will be part of my repertoire.  I'm working on giving my PB a name, so my husband and I can refer to "her" when she acts up LOL!

 

Try to be kind to yourself regarding the drinking slip ups; it really doesn't do a lick of good to judge yourself.  Just gotta say "tomorrow is a new day" and take one moment at a time.  Awareness will then hopefully allow to catch yourself about to make that choice, and then perhaps distract/redirect yourself towards something else and away from the beer...Takes practice, but the more you do it the easier it will become.  

 

Hugs to you!

SG

[Georgina]

Hi SG! Thanks for your reply and words of encouragement. Maybe you can call your pain body Medusa? I think that epitomises the suffering we put ourselves through pretty well! I downloaded more Eckhart Tolle and listened to some today: The Realisation of Being. It's really relaxing to listen to. Take care xxxx

[Cheeky]

Georgina, take the day as it comes, don't hate yourself for drinking as you will stop when your ready.

I belong to a great Facebook group called " Paxil Paroxetine Seroxat The truth in getting off safely "

It has over 1000 members of people like myself that have been in on Paxil a long time. It has the same guidelines in tappering as here but the only difference is you ate with people like yourself. I truly recommend it and the admins are great.

I hope your better since your return home. Keep us updated xx

[Georgina]

Hi all (thanks Cheeky for the post - I will take a look at the group)

 

I am checking in because I feel very much all over the place - this is really with regard to alcohol and Nicorette and the inability to make a decision and stick with it. The tapering is going ok - I am on 24mg and going to hold that for another week or two. 

 

I go around and around in circles and I hope someone can help me put things into perspective because I feel very much at a loss. I felt like I was doing relatively okay before I went on holiday to South Africa for ten days recently. I was still drinking too much and using Nicorette but I had a fairly good routine going with running regularly. Since I have been back - I have really been struggling. I have been back almost four weeks; the first week was keeping a hospital app. at an eye hospital because my peripheral vision is awful (I go once a year). I am convinced it is Sertraline that caused it but the doctor will not consider that at all. I hate the eye appointment - it's very tiring and I always leave feeling a bit afraid - like, wondering what else Sertraline might have done to me. 

 

Anyway - since drinking a fair amount of alcohol in SA and lots since I have been back, I have not been running and this is really affecting my well-being because it is one of the only things that clears my head. I try to listen to Eckhart Tolle on the way to work but I have zoned out of that as well. All I want to do is work and come home because the job and the environment is quite difficult at the moment. GCSE and A-level exams are in a few weeks, many people are resigning, many more are complaining etc etc. 

 

Back to the drinking - so, I drink a lot of beer. I normally manage two days alcohol free but then always have about six to eight beers at a time (sometimes more) when I am drinking. I had an epic night on Friday (I only got to bed at 5am) - I enjoyed the evening but I didn't actually want to be there! I wanted to be home ... I was meeting a friend I had not seen in a long time and things got out of hand. I really enjoyed part of the evening but the other part of me was thinking that this drinking is no good for me. I then make deals with myself: I say that I will stop the Nicorette first (I am using so much of it) and carry on drinking. When I drink I really feel like smoking so I use loads of Nicorette and when I am hungover I use even more. Then I make another deal with myself: I will throw out the Nicorette and stop drinking. I got home tonight and all I want is a beer. I feel stuck in a continuos cycle and I don't know how to get out of it. Overriding all of this is my health anxiety and a real fear that I am going to get cancer and DIE or have an aneurism and DIE etc etc. and all because of my lifestyle choices. So, yesterday I entered a half marathon for July and told myself that would be the only way I would stop drinking - I think I am perhaps being too ambitious because I need to start the training this week and I feel so tired. I am also working all weekend as well and just feel like everything at home is being left to rot. 

 

I don't know what to get rid of - the alcohol or the Nicorette. I can't seem to do either and that is scaring me. I go around and around in circles and feel so at a loss at the moment. 

 

I hope this above makes sense - it is probably a garbled version of some of what goes on in my head a lot of the time. I am also meant to be planning our wedding in August (a very small affair) and I feel like everything is a bit too much at the moment. And I keep thinking to myself: "Please, I don't want to die!" but I keep drinking and using Nicorette. Maybe I am just over reacting. I don't know. I really would like some help putting this into perspective. 

 

I am sorry that I am not on here more often but things are so busy and my head is always so full of things to do. I never feel like I rest. 

 

Thanks,

 

Georgina 

[SquirrellyGirl]

Georgina, have you done any therapy around the drinking?  6-8 beers at a time is pretty excessive and unhealthy, so it seems pretty important to get a handle on.  I would put that before worrying about the Nicorette, since you have dealt with not actually smoking and that is huge in its own right!

 

You might look at the drinking like anxiety.  Ask yourself:  what would happen if I did NOT grab that next beer?  You manage to have a couple of drink-free days a weeks so that is also a big accomplishment.  What would happen if you extended that to three days a week, four days a week?  Somehow you are able to exercise will power on those days.  Is it the craving, or a psychological pull?  What purpose is the beer serving?  

 

SG

[Georgina]

Hi SG, thanks for the reply. You are right, I do need to work on this. I feel a little less sorry for myself today which is a positive! I hope all is good with you?

[Cheeky]

Hi Georgina,

just checking in on how your doing since your last drop ?

[Georgina]

Hi Cheeky,

 

Thanks for the message. I am doing okay - I feel a little more 'with it' every time I drop a little - so that's pretty positive. Very few side effects at the moment as I am taking it very slow. I have also cut down on the alcohol, which seems to be helping with my general state of mind. I hope that all is okay with you.