I think I can explain this a bit better this time.
There comes a time in drug withdrawal. Over and over. Where you have to make hard choices. Last night I was in crash mode. Tonight i am in another mode altogether. A mode where i need to understand the depth of the sacrifice I need to make to survive.
I did not make new pills. I thought i could ride this one out. But there are too many external forces at work here. I have to sleep.
So I took a half of a paracetomol. And a quarter of a Valiod for the nausea. I wated and hr. They helped with the nausea, but did not help me sleep. SO I broke of a carefully small amount of Diazepam. I about a mg. I am not one to change my doses randomly ever, so that is my way of making sure i don't try and risk not going up is the doses again tomorrow.
The pain is bearable, but I can really feel it getting to a critical stage. Where nothing will help me really. I have to deal with going back up. I have not done that in a long time. I have to go back up, and i have to do it tomorrow. In fact, I had to do it tonight.
Please excuse my drugged state of writing here. I have been meditating for some hours.
I had an okay day, but my nerves are completely haywire.
I have to sacrifice the work I have done. One step forward, two steps back.
That is how it goes.
I know this, but I was so busy today. I thought it could wait one more night. That was silly. ONe night is all it takes. As it is it will be a few days before the new dose takes effect anyway.
Thank you near strangers out there who understand what this is like. Thank you for allowing me this outlet. I never come onto this sight, unless I need it. I find it too hard. It is better not to believe in what I am going through, most of the time. That is how i survive it. A delicate balance between being crazy enough to withdraw, and forgetting enough, and then letting out the pain by yoga, meditation and writing, or just surviving.
And then doing it all again.
I must say.. I have been lucky. I have had a good ride. I mean, it has been hell. But it has been manageable.
This... is not quite as manageable.
Actually sitting here and writing is not helping much either. My hope now is that after the next few rough days, my new dose will take effect and HOLD. I will give it four nights. Four nights, assuming I get an hours sleep here and there, which I should do.
Four nights, and then i should be improved.
There is hope.
Please pray for me, if that is your thing. Pray that I will have the strength once again.
This is of course, all because of my beloved kitty.
I Have had to nurse her myself, I can;t even put her in intensive care. Isn't that rediculous. The vet sent her home because they could not get her to syringe eat. I am doing that. I have to get her out of critical stage again. And then I can admit myself, for a break, if I need to.
I may well not need to. Let's look at the bright side. All the prayers. All the hope. Those who read this, I hope I hear from you. I am so sorry I don't give more to this help site. That iss my way. One day, If I am one of the miracles who make it off the drugs, I will help at east one other person. Pay it forward.
But even then, only if I can. I will always put my own needs first. There truly is no other way.
I need to not crash.
I am going to try the meditation again. I may be back soon. I may not. if not. I have fallen asleep thank god! Or i have managed one way or another.
Thank you for reading this!! Thank you for being with me in spirit. Like my silly kitty who is just as bad at hospitals and doctors and medication as I am.