I cannot imagine the pain you felt when you lost your wife. I hope that you have experienced some peace around her passing though I would not impose that on you if that is not your experience.
I appreciate your insight around holidays and significant dates. My tumble into depression and exhaustion came after I had taken care of my mom for an intense 7 year period.
After her death at the end of July in 2012, I functioned for a year and then started to slide into depression in September/October of 2013. The stress and the loss just hit me after the shock had worn off.
I had forgot to mention in my introduction that I went on and off a series of anitdepresants very quickly from about 4 different psychiatrists. Each one was from 1 day to 10 days at the most. My body could not handle it-I had Zoloft 4 days, Lexapro-1 day, Nortriptyline-10 days, Liquid Prozac, 1 week, Cymbalta 1 week. This occurred in about a 4 month period. One psychiatrist wanted me to try Ritalin to jolt me out of my depression-I refused. My body could not handle the medication-I had never taken heavy duty drugs before and I don't say this to point out that I was special-I think most people have a reaction to medication.
In addition, I was put on Xanax after a reaction to the Lexapro and used that till I was switched to Clonazepam-.averaging about 0.25-0.50 daily. That was from December 2013-September 2014. Once I started the Lamictal I just stopped the Clonzepam- and never felt the withdrawal I had experienced when I tried to stop it before-knowing nothing about withdrawal. I was breaking it into tiny pieces and was probably at about.0.12. I didn't write about all this because once I started the Remeron and then the Lamicatal-everything else seemed a long time ago. But as I write it out, it is quite a bit of trauma to the body. I also was in such a depressed anxious state I do not remember much about late 2013 till the summer of 2014.
My emotions of rage, deep grief and loss are emerging. And reading your thoughts on why you held at certain times is making me realize that it's about this time of year that I put my mother into hospice. The end of May into July. The sorrow I have felt for the last years of her life is so deep. I feel badly about what she went through and though she was a difficult person, I know she loved me and was grateful for my care.
I burned myself out in caring for her and I grieve that lost time and I am filled with all of the anger and rage I experienced taking better emotional care of my mom then she did of me. I also am feeling the angry towards my siblings who allowed me to handle the care taking. I am very aware that I volunteered, because I wanted on some level to get from my mom what I did not get as a child but my siblings were very willing to step back-not all of it was because I was super girl.
So yes, the feelings are pouring out.
The last think I want to say is that my self-esteem has taken a beating from the weight I have gained on both drugs though mainly the Remeron. I used to take dance classes and exercise on a regular basis. When I got depressed, I couldn't even leave the house to walk our dog Now I can and I am out in the world more but very conscious of how out of shape I am.
I also know I will get back to more and more as I heal.
Thank you for listening.
September 2013-April 2014: After the death of my mom in July 2012.-became very depressed in September of 2013. Given a series of antidepressants very quickly from about 4 different psychiatrists in a 6 month period. Each one was from 1 day to 10 days at the most. My body could not handle it-I had Zoloft 4 days, Lexapro-1 day, Nortriptyline-10 days, Liquid Prozac, 1 week, Cymbalta 1 week.
December 2013-September 2014: Put on Xanax after a reaction to the Lexapro, averaging .50-1mg per day. Switched to Clonazepam-midway averaging about 0.25-0.50 daily.
June 2014: Jan/Feb 2015: Put on 7.5 Remeron titrate up to 41.25mgs
September 2014-July 2015: Put on 25mgs of Lamictal titrate up to 200mgs daily. Also stopped the Clonzepam- never felt the wd I had experienced when I tried to stop it before (knowing nothing about withdrawal) because the Lamictal calmed me down.
Currently: Tapering both medications together using micro cuts. Started tapering Remeron in January 2015, Started tapering Lamictal July 2015 Main wd symptoms-sweating, nausea, headaches, deep crying, anxiety. 12/21/16 Remeron 1.6 Lamictal 22.50 mgs 1/19/17 Remeron 1.2mgs, Lamictal 22.50mg 2/12/17 Remeron 1.2 Lamictal 21.25 mgs 3/4/17 Remeron 0.85 Lamictal 21.25 3/14 Remeron 0.85 Lamictal 20mgs 3/22 Remeron 0.45 Lamictal 20mg 3/25 Remeron 0.45 Lamictal 18.75mgs 3/30 Remeron 0.025 4/7 Lamictal 18.75mgs Remeron 0.025
4/7/2017 Remeron Free stopped at 0.025mgs
Additional Support: Acupuncture with Reflexology, Alanon, L-Theanine for anxiety as needed, Estradial patch 0.025, Bio-indentical Progesterone cream 150-200 Armour Thyroid 90mgs.