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☼ Irishwill 2015 Extremely positive and long overdue update


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Great story :). Ha I laughed when you mentioned worrying about petty things - please give me something petty to worry about..those were the days!

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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Thank you, Irishwill, for registering here and recounting your progress.

 

You've been off all drugs and healing since 2012, is that right? How did you finally go off the last batch?Did they take you off drugs in the hospital?

 

What were your worst symptoms and how did they resolve? How often do you have waves now?

 

I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol



to the title of your Intro topic, to show you're recovering.

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Wonderful story, thank you so much for sharing and helping all of us that are still in the thick of it.

20+ years of Zoloft 50-100 mg CT 03/2014 for 5 months
Back on Prozac 20 mg for 4 months CT since 11/2014
Found this forum the last day of 2014
The secret is to keep going!  Time will heal.


 
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What an amazing story! Few are privileged enough to to be privy to the struggles of other human beings. I could feel every bit of the agony in your words and am so happy you never gave up. I'd shine your shoes any day. Thank you for sharing with us.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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Wow!!! What an incredibly inspiring story. It seems we need reassurance over and over again that we will heal. It seems so impossible and yet you did! Amazing...thank high SO much for coming here to tell us this.

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Thank you everyone, I want you all to know it gets better. I don’t think it goes back to pre-withdrawal, you really grow as a person and learn a lot. Whether or not this experience ruins you is up to you and only you.

 

Alto, correct, I have been off since May of 2012. I was reinstated on Paxil as well as many other drugs. Once I realized nothing was going to help, after about 6 months of new things, I decided to quit it all and start the healing process. I don’t recommend this to anyone, go slow and take your time. Stabilizing wasn’t an option for me. Paxil is very unforgiving and I believe since I had tried to quit before the drug never “worked” again the same.

 

As far as my symptoms. I literally had everything. What hurt me the most was feeling stuck inside my body and not being able to get out and stop all the madness. I couldn’t control my thoughts, I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t feel love. I could only feel scared, alone, and confused. It was like an out of body experience to just watch me go downhill and not be able to help. I experienced depression for the first time, albeit a chemical depression caused by the drugs. It was like there was no happiness and never could there be happiness again. I struggled with intense body pain in my neck, head, back, legs, and arms. I still have pain but in contrast to then, I can’t complain. I worry I won’t be able to work out intensely again but time will prove that.

I couldn’t sleep more than 3-4 hours for a year and a half. Once sleep starts to improve you know you are on your way. I can now sleep 8 hours. I do have an occasional sleepless night but that’s to be expected. I use to not be able to even take a multivitamin, now I take for the most part whatever I want. That is how I know improvement is happening, the little things.

 

As far as waves and windows. I don’t really know how that works anymore. I use to get windows at night and wake up and have morning anxiety and crying spells. I haven’t cried out of context in over a year and a half, I can’t say if that is good or bad. I do tear up during sad movies which makes me feel good.

I was worried I couldn’t feel love anymore for family, friends, or girlfriends. I now know I can. It is different than how I “loved” while on Paxil. It is more mature in a way. I love people for the right reasons and the love I feel for my family is deeper than I could ever imagine.

I can say, I didn’t experience a lot of anger outbursts towards people when I was in withdrawal. I do still get a temper from time to time but I am working on that. My personality pre Paxil was fierce and competitive, it feels good to get some of that back. I do feel I am tired a lot but it’s more a relaxing tired, like easy going. I wish I could play sports and run marathons again but maybe in time.

 

I don’t experience waves really anymore aside from perhaps physical. I would suggest my waves are feeling a little melancholy, not even depressed. I have not felt the withdrawal depression in over 1.5 years. That was absolutely awful and I feel for everyone who is in that.

I am not longer angry at the world or for others who take for granted their health. Everything is relative.

I am far from a perfect person but I am a person I can be proud of. I try my best to do the right things and realize I am a human and I will make mistakes. I want people to know this is a very lonely thing, but when you learn to lean on yourself and love yourself when you need it most, you will do it. Sometimes you have to cut yourself a break and just chalk the day up as survival.

 

As far as posting as a success story, well, this is a success story. Any “healing” beyond this point is a bonus. I can tolerate what’s left, I am extremely grateful to be in the state I am in now. My nervous system is still a bit shot but I know what triggers it and I can try my best to avoid it. So yes, I consider this a recovery success story not merely an update.

 

Yes it is an extremely odd process and at times you may ask yourself, “how can I forget this”, and the answer is you don’t forget you just stop caring once you get better. I am sorry any of you have to go through this, I am sorry I had to. But you are going through it and I went through it and you know what, we come out on the other side.

I wish the best for each and every one of you, just remember you have to do it for yourself, no one else can do it for you.

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I love your words Irish well- I have such a difficult time expressing how wd feels - you do such an amazing job explaining it - I recently doubled my Paxil to 20mg 3 mos ago - I have only felt normal this last week ( since January) my doc was also going to try a new med but after listing to alto and others I stayed on Paxil and it's paid off as I am now stable -

I wonder if docs and patients give their meds longer to work after reinstatement if maybe they would see more success, as opposed to trying new meds-

 

I also completely agree that I felt like I was in a psychosis, yet I was aware of it -

I also think I had protracted wd with start up effects - further down-regulating my receptors, making things worse -

 

Thank you for the post and the hope -

 

I know that I have a new appreciation for life, after going through what I just went through-

 

Thank you again xo

 

*Currently at 8.2-8.5 mg of my 10mg pill of Paxil (they actually weigh 12.5mg) 

january 2023 I began reducing my med again. I was a 9mg weight for years, I went to 8.9 in January, went to 8.6mg in February, and in March 2023 I went down to 8.5-8.2 mg ( my scale varies, so I stick within that .3 range because of that) 

*No other supplements or vitamins 

*Taper schedule in the pdf 

Blank.pdf

 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-5vShtJtwAOGA30OxIP87steLmMdFzD29F0fzAPD564

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Thanks so much for your story, irishwill. I have lost everything in wd but I oddly,as I experience my body/mind healing, I look forward to a future of memories as a generic human with flaws, sans meds. Yay!

off cold turkey:zoloft, trileptal, stratteracurrently on:<p>latuda .05 milligrams latuda (to stabilize cns) from 20 mgs 4 months ago.

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What I would like to add also is no matter what, convincong myself that my chemical-induced depression is not an underlying condition helped me to push through until it abated.

off cold turkey:zoloft, trileptal, stratteracurrently on:<p>latuda .05 milligrams latuda (to stabilize cns) from 20 mgs 4 months ago.

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amazing story, i am very surprised. Best wishes irishwill.

history:

 

2004-2009: paroxetine 20 mg.

may 2009 to december 2009: mirtazapine 30 mg

january 2010-july 2010: prozac 20 mg

september 2010-december 2011: escitalpram 10 mg and march 2012 to december 2012: escitalopram 15 mg

march 2013-16 june 2014: venlafaxine 75 mg: cold turkey

6th september 2014 escitalopram 10 mg tapering it in 1 mg /month until june 2015: tapering made in 6 months but have no respected 10% result: w/d symptoms  

20 july 2015 reinstated 5 mg escitalopram and decided when stable to taper only 10%/month. I also take Mg, fish oil, vit C, E and multivitaminic with minerals,. Increase to 6 mg escitalopram on 14th august. Increase to 7 mg on 23th august, with 1 mg klonopin to help sleep. Updose to 10 mg on 28th august ( because of horrible depression and suicidal), and pray i made a good choice.

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Wonderful story. Thank you for sharing.  It means so much to us , still "in the trenches", "going through hell".  :unsure:  Hope is so important, in this "journey".

Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014

 

                                                  Psych Drug - free since May 2014
.
         

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As far as posting as a success story, well, this is a success story. Any “healing” beyond this point is a bonus. I can tolerate what’s left, I am extremely grateful to be in the state I am in now. My nervous system is still a bit shot but I know what triggers it and I can try my best to avoid it. So yes, I consider this a recovery success story not merely an update.

 

I thought as much when I first read this very moving account and think this whole thread should be moved to the Recovery Stories forum. The OP is not planning to continue regular posting here and this story will soon move off the first page of the Intros forum and be largely forgotten and I don't think it should suffer this fate.

 

Please move this to the Recovery Stories forum.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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Yay.  Needed.  Definitely printing off too!

Late 2023- gone to emeritus status, inactive, don't @ me, I can check who I've posted on, and I'm not really here like I used to be......thanks.

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  And.....I quit smoking 11/2021. Lapsed.  Redo of quit smoking 9/28/2022.  Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider.  My success story:  Blue skies ahead, clear sailing

 

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There are no words to describe what I went through, I still can’t fathom it now a days, despite living it and keeping a journal. It’s as if the brain digs deeper and deeper into a dark hole, it takes you to a place you didn’t know could exist, a place below death. I kept a journal and that really how I know it was all real, otherwise I would have never been able to remember the fear, pain, sadness, inhumane torture I went through.

 

This. I'm also keeping a journal.

I hope I will have a chance to read it one day and cry. Cry from happiness that it's over.

CD off meds in July 2015, not on any medication since. Went through WD nightmare, now dealing with normal anxiety, but decided not to leave this forum yet because I want to support and give hope to others. ♡

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I remember you!!!

What wonderful news. Im so happy for you thanks for coming here to share your story and that you are doing so much better. We used to talk at PP

Was on Citalopram 20mg since Feb 2008 - switched to Paxil 20mg in August 2010

Tapered way too fast in April 2012 by skipping days. Taper completed in 6 weeks

Tried prozac 20mg for 3 days - felt spaced out, not better.

Tried 30mg Cymbalta for 2 days. SEVERE ADVERSE REACTION

Antidepressant free since 14 August 2012

Birth control on and off during this time - Last taken 18 June 2017 - Morning after pill 

Started mainly using 0.5mg Xanax beginning 2016 for severe panic attacks and anxiety due to trauma

Xanax on and off never more than 0.5mg at a time, never taking it 3 days in a row - used sparingly 

 

6 Years antidepressant free - Still in severe withdrawal with over 60 symptoms

Severe setback started May 2018 with no let up to date. Developed many new symptoms like tremors, inner vibrations, insomnia, visual distortions and dr/dp are 100x worse, i have severe sensitivity to movement, My dizziness and vertigo got worse and it now feels like im constantly rocking on a boat, my anxiety is sky high, suicidal idiation is back, i feel extremely brain damaged 

 

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Done. This is now a Success Story, Thanks again, Irishwill.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Hi irishwill just wondering if you haf a spaced out kinda dazed and detached feeling and hissing kinda noise in your head ?

Long time anxiety sufferer

Took faverine 50mg 2009 for 7 months 

Worked great  came off no problems.

End of 2012  start suffering bad anxiety  some depersonalization due to work stress and anxious thinking .

Took 50mg faverine within couple days anxiety through the roof  fear spasms in stomach and dp . 

Doctor put me on 60mg cymbalta felt very unwell  came off after 3 weeks  nervous system went haywire fell into a horrible state . Not well for years .

Start taking 1mg xanax 2016 for 2 years weaned onto valium .

Faverine 100mg  January 2020 

Weaned down to 12.5 over a year . 

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Irishwill that is one heck of a story! I can relate to all of it. You give people hope and that is truly amazing. Being in the depths of WD and hearing your story only makes me believe that healing is on the way for everyone. Thank you

Was on 30mg (Lexapro) for 7-8yrs20mg for 3 months (This was my choice my Doc wanted me to drop much faster)15 mg 2week10mg 2 weeks 5 mg 1 week0 since August 24th . PPI Dexlant  30 mg taper has begun. Cutting 20% currently.  using zantac as needed.  Benzo is currently 0.10mg 

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Irishwill that is one heck of a story! I can relate to all of it. You give people hope and that is truly amazing. Being in the depths of WD and hearing your story only makes me believe that healing is on the way for everyone. Thank you

Was on 30mg (Lexapro) for 7-8yrs20mg for 3 months (This was my choice my Doc wanted me to drop much faster)15 mg 2week10mg 2 weeks 5 mg 1 week0 since August 24th . PPI Dexlant  30 mg taper has begun. Cutting 20% currently.  using zantac as needed.  Benzo is currently 0.10mg 

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You spoke to my heart.  I, too, started having panic attacks (after a cancer diagnosis for my 5 yr old and 2 Drs telling me she will not live another year....so who wouldn't get them!?).  I tried Zoloft for 1 week, got off due to high heart rate and high anxiety (never had anxiety in my life) and then became very dizzy with extreme anxiety......Drs and friends/family told me this dizziness was from anxiety and I needed to get on something to fix it.  I kept telling them it was a bad reaction and now I'm in withdrawal, but no one believed.  Went through 2 months of more misery trying 4 more drugs...each med switch telling the Dr I am going insane....completely out of my mind and went to the hospital and whipped me off cold turkey after they saw my DNA test that showed I don't metabolize these drugs well.  So, essentially I was being poisoned.  I finish up month 5 off in a couple weeks and each day is a little different.. internal electric currents, vibrations, agitation, anger, panid, etc.....still bad and scared as to what will pop up next.  The sick, depressing feeling started a week or so ago and anything I try to do is too overwhelming and the end of the world feeling.  Just by making a sandwich or anything!  Irrational fear and anxiety is up the ying yang.  I can't be alone as I would freak.  I keep holding on and know there will be better days soon.  Thanks so much for sharing your story.  There is so much pain on these sites, and you don't hear many people coming back on telling us how life will be in the future.  You made my day and am feeling a little better!

Dec 2014 I tried Zoloft 25mg for one week (adverse reaction - extreme anxiety and felt like I was on an amphetamine). Dr. said to quit cold turkey, so I not only quit Zoloft but also 2 weeks of Xanax .25mg -- extreme dizziness, hyperarousal and anxiety began! On Jan. 29, 2015 my psychiatrist put me on new stuff and this is how my next 2 months and 7 days looked like (I was having the same bad reactions to all of these):Effexor XR 37.5mg (3 days) - throwing up, heart palpations, night tremors/convulsions or something where whole body shakes for a second, Prozac 10mg (15 days), Prozac 20mg (7 days) - internal restlessness, electric current through body/brain (not zaps), agitation, intense fear and could no longer nap at this point (still can't today because of this), Lexapro 5mg (4 days) - same as Prozac, a horror show...extreme internal agitation, Lexapro 7.5mg (2 days), Lexapro 10mg (16 days), Zoloft 12.5mg (3 days)...she said try it again since my blood relative does well on it, Zoloft 25mg (7 days) - same as before and getting worse!! Zoloft 50mg (6 days), Zoloft 25mg (4 days and then came off cold turkey on April 8, 2015). I used Xanax .25mg about 7 times per month through all of this until June 30, 2015 (my last benzo dose). Extreme anxiety, nervous system traumatized, mental akathisia, anger triggered by nothing but the brain totally going off on its own, feeling of a pressurized electric current going through me like my brain and body are trying to explode, stress reaction x10000 to everything, waking in terror lasting all day, fear, very sensitive, brain can't keep up, don't know what to do with myself, feeling like everything is going too fast and I can't keep up, helium head, deep depression like something is ripping out my soul, out of my mind, can hardly drive or be alone, cognitive issues, simple tasks are so complex and straining, feel disturbed because the brain can't process anything right even though your brain tries so hard and it makes you go mad, episodes of deep anguish with a sick toxic poison feeling (like you have some unknown virus).

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I am extremely happy this is helping you all. I needed stories like this when I was what seemed like my wits end. I think it is important to note, that despite not coming back regularily, I want to pay it forward and help anyone who needs it. I don't think it is that people don't want to help once they get better I think for numerous reasons they try and stay away, perhaps staying away was key to improving. I checked in randomly and saw one post in particular that bothered me. Someone who was around my time in WD saying how they had not improved at all and are even worse. I could not let people be scared by that.

 

I am not saying everyone recovers the same time but I was on Paxil for over a decade, during young years, higher dosage, then poly drugged for 6 months. People would say I needed 10 years to heal. Don't believe that. Treat yourself right and stay away from things that are toxic and you will see improvement guranteed.

 

After I had posted, I started thinking a lot and did a lot of reflecting. I don't think we give ourselves enough credit in withdrawal. Small steps are crucial to recovery.

 

I will answer any questions people have asked but it may be easier to inbox me (I am not sure how that works on this site) Like I said, I plan on checking every once in a while after this weekend but I would never turn my back on this experience.

 

 

As I read each of your emails I envisioned being in similar situations so let me answer the questions best I can.

 

Hi irishwill just wondering if you haf a spaced out kinda dazed and detached feeling and hissing kinda noise in your head ?

 

I do not feel spaced out anymore. Sometimes when I am extremely tired I can be but I think that's normal. As far as detached, I got that really bad. I would be in a room with people talking and I would feel a million miles away and feel like I would hear the conversation on a lag and not know how to respond.

 

Hissing nose in head is very specific. I did have ringing in my ears and I guess I still do sometimes, especially after being in a loud place. It fades but you don't really notice because other things flare up and take priority.

 

What I would like to add also is no matter what, convincong myself that my chemical-induced depression is not an underlying condition helped me to push through until it abated.

 

Gemini-100% I couldn't agree more. You have to know yourself, which in WD is really hard to do. I knew I never had depression but my mind would try and convince myself maybe I was always like this. I was not, and I have not had even a minor episode of depression since it went away.

 

Please feel free to inbox me with any questions.

 

Lastly, I have to tell you, it means a lot to me to see people feeling hopefuly from this. You should. Do the right things and treat yourself with empathy you would treat anyone else going through this.

 

Irish

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I am extremely happy this is helping you all. I needed stories like this when I was what seemed like my wits end. I think it is important to note, that despite not coming back regularily, I want to pay it forward and help anyone who needs it. I don't think it is that people don't want to help once they get better I think for numerous reasons they try and stay away, perhaps staying away was key to improving. I checked in randomly and saw one post in particular that bothered me. Someone who was around my time in WD saying how they had not improved at all and are even worse. I could not let people be scared by that.

 

I am not saying everyone recovers the same time but I was on Paxil for over a decade, during young years, higher dosage, then poly drugged for 6 months. People would say I needed 10 years to heal. Don't believe that. Treat yourself right and stay away from things that are toxic and you will see improvement guranteed.

 

After I had posted, I started thinking a lot and did a lot of reflecting. I don't think we give ourselves enough credit in withdrawal. Small steps are crucial to recovery.

 

I will answer any questions people have asked but it may be easier to inbox me (I am not sure how that works on this site) Like I said, I plan on checking every once in a while after this weekend but I would never turn my back on this experience.

 

 

As I read each of your posts I envisioned being in similar situations so let me answer the questions best I can.

 

Hi irishwill just wondering if you haf a spaced out kinda dazed and detached feeling and hissing kinda noise in your head ?

 

I do not feel spaced out anymore. Sometimes when I am extremely tired I can be but I think that's normal. As far as detached, I got that really bad. I would be in a room with people talking and I would feel a million miles away and feel like I would hear the conversation on a lag and not know how to respond. I don't have that issue what so ever anymore.

 

Hissing nose in head is very specific. I did have ringing in my ears and I guess I still do sometimes, especially after being in a loud place. It fades but you don't really notice because other things flare up and take priority.

 

What I would like to add also is no matter what, convincong myself that my chemical-induced depression is not an underlying condition helped me to push through until it abated.

 

Gemini-100% I couldn't agree more. You have to know yourself, which in WD is really hard to do. I knew I never had depression but my mind would try and convince myself maybe I was always like this. I was not, and I have not had even a minor episode of depression since it went away.

 

Please feel free to inbox me with any questions.

 

Lastly, I have to tell you, it means a lot to me to see people feeling hopefuly from this. You should. Do the right things and treat yourself with empathy you would treat anyone else going through this.

 

Irish

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Thank you very much for your feedback irishwill you give me great hope ☺

Are you irish ? Im from ireland

Long time anxiety sufferer

Took faverine 50mg 2009 for 7 months 

Worked great  came off no problems.

End of 2012  start suffering bad anxiety  some depersonalization due to work stress and anxious thinking .

Took 50mg faverine within couple days anxiety through the roof  fear spasms in stomach and dp . 

Doctor put me on 60mg cymbalta felt very unwell  came off after 3 weeks  nervous system went haywire fell into a horrible state . Not well for years .

Start taking 1mg xanax 2016 for 2 years weaned onto valium .

Faverine 100mg  January 2020 

Weaned down to 12.5 over a year . 

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I have Irish heritage but I am not from Ireland, I am American. Looking to make a trip there in the near future though!

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Irishwill!! I remember you well from PP and thought of you after you left the site. This is a well written (extremely well written) story. Congratulations on getting off and surviving the horrors of WD - it is wonderful to hear that you have done so well despite all that you went through. Good luck in all you do and my best wishes for your future! Thank you so much for posting .......

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Irishwill!! I remember you well from PP and thought of you after you left the site. This is a well written (extremely well written) story. Congratulations on getting off and surviving the horrors of WD - it is wonderful to hear that you have done so well despite all that you went through. Good luck in all you do and my best wishes for your future! Thank you so much for posting .......

Caper, thank you for saying hello and the kind words, I remember you too! I was in pretty rough shape early on at PP. It was hard to look back at those posts before and not cringe.

 

I hope you are doing well. It's weird being back and seeing all these familiar names.Thanks for saying hello and I wish you the best.

 

Irissh

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Irishwill ........ you have a great attitude, even under adversity ....... this will take you a long way in life. Love what you said about any further healing will be a bonus only - I have said it many times myself. Yes, there are what I refer to as 'residual issues' (off over 4 years now) but you are so right ......... we (and the brain) move on, albeit a little differently. Your story gives hope to so many here that are still in the midst of this horror - it was really good of you to take this time and 'pay it forward'. One question .......... what have you learned (about yourself, life, the world) from this experience?

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Caper,

 

That is an awesome question.

 

What I have learned about life is that I am not the center of it. I am a part of it and a very important part to many people. With that said, we have to live our lives for ourselves. The caveat being we have to live with others in mind so we don't inhibit their well being to progress our own.

 

A good example of this was my relationships with my family before withdrawal. I leaned heavily on them and I think I knew I was in real trouble with withdrawal when even they had to pull back and when their help wasn't enough. I realized a lot of it was on me. At the time that seemed daunting, but now it is liberating to think I am capable of being self reliant with respect to getting things done but also "owning" my emotions and being responsible for my actions. I learned never to let anyone else dictate your entire happiness. People can add to your happiness but they must never be the sole source.

 

I learned how to live healthy and be kind to myself. I abused my body in sports as well as drinking at times. I will never do that again. I have a new respect for myself.

 

Maybe most importantly, everything is perspective. Here is an example to better illustrate what I mean.

 

Right now, I could easily focus on the fact I can't work out to the degree I would like, that I can't go out and drink and that I am in pain during stressful situations, that I, in simplest terms, am fragile in the physical sense at times. But I don't.

 

What I do focus on is how fortunate I am to see my family, friends, and my own life grow. I think I started to feel deeply again when I stopped trying to, albeit that seems counter intuitive. The world is what you make it. It is very easy, especially in today's age to look at others and compare.

 

For example, I watch my friends go out and get inebriated then wake up and go for a 5 mile run. I wish I could even run (and I will run again) but they take everything for granted, especially their health. But instead of getting upset about this or comparing, I realize that they will never feel things as deep as me or have the appreciation I do for everyday things. They have no idea how lucky they are. I do know how lucky I am and as I gain things back I feel like I am gaining gifts, gifts I will appreciate and cherish.

 

I believe this experience changes us but only for the worse if we let it. If we change our perspective and stop the victim mentality, we can grow into people we would never have dreamed we would become had we not gone through this experience.

 

Lastly, what I learned about myself. That I am a pretty resilient person who has a lot of love, courage, and wisdom. I am getting to know myself more and more each day and I feel I am right where I am supposed to be. This is something I struggled with on Paxil. I will always have areas for improvement but that's the beauty of life, it's a moving target.

 

Thank you for the great question.

 

Irish

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Thanks so much IrishWill,

 

I so relate with " the being thankful' thing. I am 3 years off and just starting to feel that I can do things again. I can golf 18 holes, I am very sore for a week, but I can do it. I don't think I will ever look at life the same again. I was a very self sufficient person where things came quite easily for me. I was a kind person but didnt have much patience. After all the physical issues, not being able to have my muscles work etc i looked at people who have mobility issues with such compassion. After being in the hospital with withdrawal and heart and kidney issues I looked around at all the people that were never going to get better. I live every moment " in the moment" and I am so extremely thankful for everything. When I wake up and can take a full breath, without air hunger, when I cry at a movie. When i don't twitch . Paxil may have been Hell but I am 44 years old and I am changed. Withdrawal taught me to love the little things and that is priceless

12 year on Paxil 20mg. Dropped to 5mg a few years before weaning, Was on 5mg weaned over a few months and then went off Aug 15, 2012. Severe withdrawal started Nov 2012 and have been slowly recovering. Have had all physical symptoms especially muscle, immune and food sensitivities!

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Thanks so much IrishWill,

 

I so relate with " the being thankful' thing. I am 3 years off and just starting to feel that I can do things again. I can golf 18 holes, I am very sore for a week, but I can do it. I don't think I will ever look at life the same again. I was a very self sufficient person where things came quite easily for me. I was a kind person but didnt have much patience. After all the physical issues, not being able to have my muscles work etc i looked at people who have mobility issues with such compassion. After being in the hospital with withdrawal and heart and kidney issues I looked around at all the people that were never going to get better. I live every moment " in the moment" and I am so extremely thankful for everything. When I wake up and can take a full breath, without air hunger, when I cry at a movie. When i don't twitch . Paxil may have been Hell but I am 44 years old and I am changed. Withdrawal taught me to love the little things and that is priceless

 

Jaywill,

 

Interesting you use golf as a metric, I do as well. In the beginning I couldn't do it. The physical was too much and the openness of the course was awful for me at that time. Now I golf without a worry. I don't even get sore from it anymore, went out 18 times this year which I never did even before WD. I still struggle with running so I try to walk as much as I can. I too have had heart and kidney problems and to my knowledge I still have elevated kidney function and I also have Atrial Fibrillation, which I suspect is an issue caused by Paxil since I have no family history and I am also young it is rather odd.

 

But you are so right, the little things, crying while watching a movie feels...well...great. I actually teared up last night watching a movie. Feels good to be human really. I think a lot of this stuff will sort itself out.

 

And for the record, my golf game hasn't improved much but I enjoy it none the less!

 

 

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Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is very inspiring to read about your transformation. My experiences are a fraction of what you went through. So when I read your account I was very encouraged about the future. That you cared enough to come back post recovery and share hope with others...is top notch.

Lexapro four times in the last ten years. Each time 6 month use. Two week taper.

Lexapro 20mg August 2014 until Feb 28 2015. Two week taper

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Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is very inspiring to read about your transformation. My experiences are a fraction of what you went through. So when I read your account I was very encouraged about the future. That you cared enough to come back post recovery and share hope with others...is top notch.

 

Thanks David. It was hard to decide whether or not to come back or just leave things in the past but I really feel it is important to share success especially during something as horrific as WD can be. The last thing I would want is for someone to lose hope when they don't have to.

 

Cheers

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Hope you don't mind a newbie chiming in. But I wonder if quitting alcohol was a big part of your difficulty as well. What do you think?  Seems I can get "addicted" to caffeine after drinking just two cups a day for a week.

September 2014 to July 2015 - 20 mg Lexapro, 30mg Mirtazipine

 

August 2015 to November 2016- 10mg Lexapro, 30 mg Mirtazipine

 

Nov. 2016 to Nov. 2017 - 10mg Lexapro, 3.75 mg Mirtazipine

 

Nov. 2017 to Mach 2018 - 5mg/2.5mg Lexapro, 0mg Mirtazipne

 

Mach 2018 to Dec. 2018 - 0mg Lexapro, 0mg Mirtazipne

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