☼ Irishwill 2015 Extremely positive and long overdue update

[Cocopuffz17]

Amazing story!!! Sorry you went through the hell. I am glad you are doing better! I resonate with so many things you said in your story! Amazingly put together and it gave me goosebumps how you TOOK CONTROL and smashed the **** out of AW and PAWS. Thank you for sharing  

[Amira]

 I know Irishwill does not come here anymore but this story is one of my favourite sucess stories. I hope he is doing well 😊

[Irishwill2015]

Hey everyone, I wanted to check back in. It has been quite some time since I last stopped by but I felt it was important to sign back on and reach out. I am unsure what happened to my original handle, something about the account being locked out but I will try and sign back on that one when I can.

 

It makes me very happy to hear my post almost 5 years ago now was so helpful. I hope everyone is doing the best they can and I want to reiterate, no matter where you are on your journey right now, it WILL get better. 

 

Best,

 

Irish 

[Irishwill2015]

Hey everyone, it has been a while but I wanted to drop by and check in after many years of not coming back on. I appreciate the kind words and I wish the best for you all in your recovery.  

 

Cheers,

 

Irish 

[Ewa]

Thank you for coming back ❤️

[Altostrata]

Merged accounts. Thanks for dropping by, IrishWill. What progress have you made in the last few years?

[Irishwill2015]

Hey Alto,

 

From my last post to now it has been a few years and I would say that life has become even more "normal" than it was a few years ago. What I mean by "normal" is, the horrendous experience of w/d continues to take a back seat to new and positive experiences, as if those negative memories are being replaced or minimized. Many days and weeks go by and I do not even think about the experience which during w/d I thought would impossible to every truly move on from. When I do think of w/d, I have a hard time remembering exactly how horrible it was. Maybe it is my mind not wanting to go there anymore or perhaps my mind simply just cannot imagine it. I think that truly "accepting" that time period as existing but refusing to let it define me or make me feel inferior in any way has been integral. Rather than feeling weaker, I feel that I am capable of dealing with anything having withstood and defeated  w/d. I know a lot of people worry about the long term and question how they can ever truly move on and be "normal" or OK again but I have to say that has happened for me and I see no reason why it cannot for anyone reading this regardless of how bad things are today. Trauma is trauma and as simple as it sounds, accepting it and not running from it, at least for me, has assuaged the pain of the experience, at least for the long term.

 

I do understand why many people do not come back and discuss their success. It can rehash some unpleasant memories and bring people back to a place they have tried to hard to get away from. I have to admit, even posting last night brought back so many memories, good and bad, but it didn't overcome me, it was just like remembering parts of a movie which is strange but innocuous. For me however, sharing my positive experience and growth outweighed the negatives of having to go back to that difficult place. As mentioned above, I have accepted what happened and I am at peace with it. It does not have control over me or make me feel weak in any way, quite the opposite actually. You are all a lot tougher than you give yourself credit for, even when it doesn't feel that way when you are at your most vulnerable during w/d. It is all about perspective for me and I keenly remember people giving me hope when I was in the thickest of it and believe it is incredibly important for me to pay it forward. Not because I am obligated to do so but because I want to and I believe a part of moving on from this experience is not being afraid to talk about it and help others along the way if possible. 

 

Positives today for me include a virtual elimination of all mental and physical symptoms that were once present virtually all day for weeks and months on end with no break. I look at the laundry list of symptoms I encountered and I cannot believe I had to deal with all of those issues at the same time. I now make it a top priority to take the best care of myself by eating as clean as I can but I am far from perfect, I still abstain from drinking but that is more of a personal choice and not taking my health for granted anymore, I try to avoid using anything that isn't natural for colds or other ailments, and I walk a lot not only for the physical health benefits but also for the mental clarity. My sleep is as good as it ever has been but I do attribute that to good sleep hygiene. Also, more "normal" to me means almost all of my "problems" (I quote the term problems because none of my current problems come close to w/d related problems so they feel petty and are embarrassing to admit as they are so trivial when compared to w/d) are typically external and much more preferable to internal w/d problems e.g. work stress, navigating marriage and parenting etc.

 

I try to keep things in perspective and remember that everything is relative. Healing and not encountering w/d related problems doesn't mean life magically becomes perfect or absent of any problems, life is full of problems but I feel without w/d you become much more adept at dealing with those problems and moving on. I always thought, once I get better I will NEVER take anything for granted but I think once you get better, you will always take certain things for granted, it is very human to do so. Healing isn't the end of the journey, it is the beginning of a totally new one. With that said, I am extremely grateful and overjoyed to be in a position to not just lead a "normal" life, but an exceptional one. 

 

If I had to be nit picky and objective about any negatives/issues that are still pending, it would be hard for me to discern what is from w/d versus what would just be normal for me. These include:

 

-Nervous system can be sensitive at times when clearly triggered, e.g.very sensitive to perfumes, fragrances, cleaning products (Lysol). When exposed, I feel uncomfortable, find it difficult to breathe normally, and foggy brained. I attribute this to basically being poisoned and it isn't an awful experience being exposed to those things, it is simply an inconvenience and a bit uncomfortable. I am also very sensitive to mold but I have always had allergies so I chalk that up as a part of that. All these issues subside within the hour after being removed from the exposure.

-Exercise intolerance to a certain degree. I can fight through it and some runs/workouts feel better than others but typically on a bad workout I feel more drained or my body feels revved up and just uncomfortable which can trigger minor anxiety but nothing like w/d. 

-I have not drank alcohol in quite some time so I am unsure if I am still sensitive to that. I will tell you, my life is a lot better without it and I have zero desire to prove I can drink without issues so that is more a lifestyle change and accepting that I am better off without it. Why take on something you don't need, if life is good, don't add more problems is how I think about it. I also like reality now and view drinking as a way to alter it. Having gone through w/d, I enjoy a clear mind.

 

Truthfully that might be it. I still take magnesium (helps me with sleep and I believe my body burns magnesium very fast), vitamin C, and a multi vitamin but that is pretty much it. I think getting nutrition via food is your best bet but I understand that can get expensive. 

 

Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to read my original post and I do hope it makes people feel hopeful knowing that you can get better and that when people do, they move on with their lives and try not to look back. I don't blame them but for me it is very important to share with you all my story and if that helps a few people get through this or even just a tough point, then it is all worth it. Once again, I think it comes with accepting what happened (hard to do and not be angry but necessary to move on) and not being fearful of rehashing old memories as they are just memories, not necessarily good or bad. 

 

I am happy to answer questions but I want to say that I am not the sole authority on healing or in any way "special" because I am on the other side of w/d. I truly believe everyone, barring an unrelated or buried medical condition has the ability to get better based on my experience and interactions with people. I wish you all the best in your recovery and want you to know that I understand what you are going through is surreal but implore you to do the best you can to take care of yourself and keep the focus and perspective on the positives and your future success story. 

 

Cheers,

 

Irish 

[Erell]

Thank you Irish, so much ❤

 

I love reading that people move on with their lives !

 

Enjoy your new life ☀️

[KenA]

@Irishwill2015

Thank you so much for your follow up today!! I have read your success story many times and it always helps to lift my spirit. Today has been a particular hard day and reading this has helped me to remember to keep breathing and take this one minute at a time knowing that I will heal and get better!! Thank you so much for sharing and helping me to get through the day today!

 

 

[Hanna72]

Thank you so much for sharing Loved reading your story
All the best to you, keep on thriving 🙏

[Irishwill2015]

6 hours ago, Erell said:

Thank you Irish, so much ❤

 

I love reading that people move on with their lives !

 

Enjoy your new life ☀️

My pleasure, I believe it is important to pay it forward. I appreciate the kind words. Take care of yourself!

[Irishwill2015]

2 hours ago, KenA said:

@Irishwill2015

Thank you so much for your follow up today!! I have read your success story many times and it always helps to lift my spirit. Today has been a particular hard day and reading this has helped me to remember to keep breathing and take this one minute at a time knowing that I will heal and get better!! Thank you so much for sharing and helping me to get through the day today!

 

 

Ken, It makes me very happy to hear that my story helped you today, makes sharing it all the more worth it. I remember the tough days and they are exactly just that, tough days. You have a bright future ahead and I hope you focus on that when times get tough. Stay positive the best you can, even when your brain is telling you otherwise. I look forward to reading your success story!

[Irishwill2015]

2 hours ago, Hanna72 said:

Thank you so much for sharing Loved reading your story
All the best to you, keep on thriving 🙏

Hanna, I appreciate the kind words. I am always amazed at how kind folks are here, especially when they may be going through a very difficult time. It is a great reminder of all the amazing people here on this forum. I like your quote about patience and time, it is so true! While it is so important to be an active participant in recovery, there is a lot to be said about the power that time has in the healing process. Wishing you the best!

[LexAnger]

Thank you so much Irishwill for coming back giving hope! 

 

I read your initial post in 2015 and remember you all these year and always wonder how you have Benn doing. Your initial success story is one of the best and now it's even better than that! 

 

So happy you made it out this far and keep living a normal life!

 

Can I ask if you remember, what benzo did you take after paxil and for how long?  Have you ever experienced sensitivity to food? If so how long did it take to resolve?

 

Best

Lex 

[Irishwill2015]

17 hours ago, LexAnger said:

Thank you so much Irishwill for coming back giving hope! 

 

I read your initial post in 2015 and remember you all these year and always wonder how you have Benn doing. Your initial success story is one of the best and now it's even better than that! 

 

So happy you made it out this far and keep living a normal life!

 

Can I ask if you remember, what benzo did you take after paxil and for how long?  Have you ever experienced sensitivity to food? If so how long did it take to resolve?

 

Best

Lex 

Hey Lex,

 

Thank you very much for the kind words. I took valium and xanax for about a year after w/d sunk in. I stopped taking those I believe in 2012. I never liked how they made me feel and it didn't touch my w/d symptoms. 

 

As far as sensitivity to food, I think thing that were highly processed or high in sugar made me feel awful. I was very sensitive to anything that had caffeine or provided energy so I stayed away from those. Is there anything in particular that you are eating that is impacting you mentally or physically? Interesting to think about for sure. 

 

Irish 

[LexAnger]

Hi Irish,

 

Thank you again for responding so quickly!

 

I was not too bad after tapering off lex in 4.5yrs overall but developed sensitivity to msg and artificial sweeteners about 8 months off which was still manageable as it's not too hard to avoid those. Unfortunately I had a back injury around the same time, started 2.5mg valium for muscle stiffness 1 yr after lex tapering. It caused severe side effects after just 5 days use so I rushed to taper off but too hellish to stop. Eventually got off with 11 month tapering. From day 2 off, I had dangerous reaction to almost all food causing stroke or seizure like sx. I had to eliminate majority food items including natural unprocessed organic types, mainly anything contains glutamate or high in histamine and possible others I don't really know. This sensitivity keeps growing to all chemicals, hygiene products, anything manufactured and sold in the market.

 

Water, rice, eggs and some fruit are the only ones left on my plate without ramping up severe setbacks.

 

My sx are mainly physical and cognitive, massive neuropathy all types which is excruciating but the most crushing and highly disabling is the muscle contraction causing whole body dystonia like sx.

 

Have you ever had muscle contractions? 

 

Thanks!

Lex

 

 

[Irishwill2015]

1 hour ago, LexAnger said:

Hi Irish,

 

Thank you again for responding so quickly!

 

I was not too bad after tapering off lex in 4.5yrs overall but developed sensitivity to msg and artificial sweeteners about 8 months off which was still manageable as it's not too hard to avoid those. Unfortunately I had a back injury around the same time, started 2.5mg valium for muscle stiffness 1 yr after lex tapering. It caused severe side effects after just 5 days use so I rushed to taper off but too hellish to stop. Eventually got off with 11 month tapering. From day 2 off, I had dangerous reaction to almost all food causing stroke or seizure like sx. I had to eliminate majority food items including natural unprocessed organic types, mainly anything contains glutamate or high in histamine and possible others I don't really know. This sensitivity keeps growing to all chemicals, hygiene products, anything manufactured and sold in the market.

 

Water, rice, eggs and some fruit are the only ones left on my plate without ramping up severe setbacks.

 

My sx are mainly physical and cognitive, massive neuropathy all types which is excruciating but the most crushing and highly disabling is the muscle contraction causing whole body dystonia like sx.

 

Have you ever had muscle contractions? 

 

Thanks!

Lex

 

 

Hey Lex,

 

I am sorry you are going through that. The reactions seem highly unusual. I am sure there is a scientific reason for why those particular foods are causing issues but I would only be speculating as to why that is. I am sensitive to chemicals as well but I have no real great reason why. Muscle contractions are interesting, as stated above, I take magnesium which is a natural muscle relaxer so I can't say no a days that I have any issues with muscle contractions. A sensitivity to all food seems really odd but then again, w/d was very odd and many of the symptoms I cannot explain how they got resolved. Many people who have not taken meds are sensitive to MSG so that one doesn't surprise me as much. I do recall feeling weird after taking a protein shake that had an artificial sweetner so I simply avoided it in the future. I am at the point now where it doesn't bother me to abstain from things, i don't see it as weakness, it is just knowing my body. I read sweetners are linked to depression. I wouldn't be shocked by any of this because they probably shouldn't be in our foods to begin with but that is a totally different conversation.

 

I hope you can figure it out and work within the constraints, totally OK to be a little different but I understand that is can be frustrating to not be able to do things you once could. 

 

Irish

[LexAnger]

You are so right Irish, about the odd problems pschy meds can cause.

 

I'm glad the sensitivity is manageable for you and you don't have muscle sx!  Muscle malfunctioning is one of the most common problems for benzo wd. There are tons horrible stories in benzobodies.org.

 

Thanks again for answering my questions and sharing your thoughts!

 

Lex

 

 

 

 

[EvolutionaryImpulse]

Hi Irishwill - Do you know about Dr. Mark Gordon and the amazing work he's doing with traumatic brain injury/psych symptoms? When I read your story I had to make sure you've seen this Joe Rogan podcast in case it can help you further: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jN6eBH8CFc . Thank you so much for your story. Love and light. 

 

Edited November 14, 2020 by Altostrata
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