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  1. MOD NOTE: Contents of post may be triggering for some members. (mods I am not sure where to put this so move if necessary) I just hope someone reads it. I don't know if you do trigger warnings but if you do this should have it. Hopefully the title says enough. I have been doing well in my recovery. I have had some anxiety and limited depression. I do get stuck sometimes but I have had a few work and personal successes so I need to look on the bright side. The last 2 weeks have hit me hard. I have read a lot about it and I am truly upset and disgusted by this pig of a man. I have since been thinking about my past and not feeling good. The anxiety has returned and I am having trouble eating and sleeping. Everything looks great from the outside as I have already said but not so good from the inside. I can’t stop ruminating about it. When I was 16 I was lonely and depressed. I had a few friends and wasn’t happy in school. I missed my boyfriend who broke up with me went he went to college. My parent’s lives were a mess as well. The former boyfriend of one of my friends who had moved away called and invited me to watch tv and hang out with him Sat night. I went thinking it would be a fun diversion and because I really needed a friend. I also thought he was cool and worldly because he was 21. He had a room set up in his mother's basement and we hung out and watched tv. He tried to kiss me but I just moved my head. He walked me home around 11. He invited me the next week as well. He bought rum and coke for me because he knew I liked it. I didn’t really but it was the only drink I thought I would like when we talked the week before. We watched tv and I drank. I was a lightweight and hardly drank at all. At some point I woke up and was laying on his pull out couch bed with half my clothes off. He was kissing me. I moved my head to avoid him and squirmed because I didn’t know what else to do. Then I laughed to myself. I decided the situation was ridiculous. I stood up and started to get dressed. My plan was to walk out the door and go home. I wasn’t putting up with that! He saw me getting dressed and pushed me back down on the bed. I must have hit my head on part of the bed frame or the arm of the couch. It hurt and I was scared. My confidence was gone. He took off my clothes and I didn’t do anything. He took his clothes off and I turned my head so I didn’t have to see him. He got on top of me and did his thing. I fooled around with my previous boyfriend a lot but had never gone that far. So that was my first time. It didn’t hurt that much but later I learned he was kind of small. He told me to put my arms around him which I did. Having to do that and look at him was almost as upsetting as everything else. When it was over, he drank some more and fell asleep or passed out. At that point I put my clothes on again but without the same feeling of confidence. I had to sneak up from the lower level and through the living room to the front door. I was so scared his mother would find me and know what I did. Maybe she was out, I left through the front door without knocking anything over or tripping the alarm. I ran home and got in bed. The next day I told my mom I had the flu. I couldn’t get out of bed. The next day in school I talked to a weird girl in my English class. She was strange but I thought she would be safe. She was sympathetic and that made me feel a tiny bit better. My friend who dated him was coming back to town. I wanted to tell her what happened. I somehow knew she would comfort me and everything would be all right. She and he had a wild relationship and had a lot of great sex. She told me he went down on her at the movies. The was the only detail I knew but I thought that said a lot. We went out for coffee. I screwed up my courage and told her what happened. And she laughed. I was stunned. She then told me that she wasn’t surprised because he talked about me a lot and she knew he wanted me. I don’t remember the rest of the evening but at that point the subject was over. He called me when I was sleeping. I don’t remember but my mom said I yelled at him and told him not to call me again. Another friend called to tell me she was going out with him. I wanted to warn her but she told me how much she liked him what fun they were having. He took her to brunch and I guess they did nice normal stuff. I am glad he never hurt her. They stopped seeing each other a few months later without incident. I never understood why he hurt me and not her. I think it was because he knew I was somehow more vulnerable and weak. A few weeks later I went out with the new couple and a guy for me. All I remember is I drank that night and didn’t get home too late. I know nothing bad happened. I always felt guilty and bad about myself because I saw him a second time. I have recently read that people do that to change the narrative, so it doesn’t seem so bad. That was such a relief because I always thought there was something wrong with me for seeing him again. I know this will blow over but for now it is interfering with my recovery. I have been sexually harassed at work on occasion. Nothing too bad. I had a job where I was invited to a lot of meetings and conferences. I thought it was because I was smart and had a lot to offer. Now I wonder if the old guys just invited me to have someone fun to talk to at lunch. Nothing to gross happened but there were icky comments. Does anyone have any suggestions so that I can put this behind me….again?
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