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Greetings All! I am blessed to have found you all and look forward to enlightening engagements. What a conundrum life can be, what a perplexity! But, as one inspiring author has once written "It is a great day in the life of a man (though at the time he knows it not) when bewildering perplexities concerning the mystery of life take possession of his mind, for it signifies that his era of dead indifference, of animal sloth, of mere vegetative happiness, has come to an end, and that henceforth he is to live as an aspiring, self-evolving being." I am here because I'm not sure if I made the right decision. After reading posts on this sight, and garnering much inspiration from the heartfelt writings of other recoverers, I am beginning to wonder if I am on the right track. Any insight would be appreciated. I have posted my background for anyone's information but you can skip this (as its quite long) and go straight to my question at the end under the heading "A Miraculous Intervention?". Background The beginning In 2010 I began suffering from severe OCD caused by a drug-induced psychotic episode which left me in a terrible spin. On that night I hallucinated hearing very ugly voices all around me and coming from my friends - I was extremely high on a mix of cocaine and alcohol - and I think my psyche could not take it anymore. My mind was flooded with nothing but horrendous intrusive thoughts of every abominable kind, they are truly unspeakable. This was not the fist time the psychosis set in. It had done so before when I was high on acid/LSD and to lesser extent when I'd smoke marijuana before that. I have a history of substance abuse and it was the substances that ultimately led to the outburst of severe OCD. In 2011, with these horrific intrusive thoughts banging away in my head from morning to night I managed to muster up the courage to get clean off every toxic substance that I was still consuming (alcohol, ecstasy, cocaine/cat, cigarettes). This helped me to get a job, study further and work towards having some sort of a career. [On a side-note: Externally I wasn't doing too bad. I had the respect of my family and people around me and was building a high profile social network through my work at the time - no one would've even suspected my inward suffering]. My first dose of medication By 2012 I was totally clean and working slowly to build a life. Inwardly I continued to live with this horrendous OCD which was coupled with constant anxiety and depression - it was the hell of hells. I had never known that some can suffer such a deep suffering and be forced to live with it everyday. It was my unspeakable reality. One day, after I couldn't take it anymore, I mustered up the courage to go see a psychologist. I started telling her my story and then burst out int tears in her office. She looked at me and said "Oh, child, you're suffering from OCD". It was the first time I had ever heard of the term. She was absolutely great - very instrumental to my healing. I worked with her deeply for some time as an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital. While I was there, I started seeing a psychiatrist who put me on a cocktail - Seroquel, Lexamil and one or two other drugs. They paralyzed me and after a few months I quit and resolved rather to live with my excruciating OCD-Depression-Anxiety rather than be zombified by these drugs. Second Try at Meds Then in 2014, while doing my first post-graduate degree, I couldn't take my suffering anymore. I was consuming tons of caffeine to help me concentrate and work past the OCD during exams and I just couldn't take the inward suffering. The caffeine seemed to help me concentrate but it also made my condition worse. I sought the help of an amazing CBT specialist who has been a psychological guardian angel for me. I worked with her for sometime and when I eventually opened up to her about the nature of my OCD thoughts and we jointly decided that I should consult a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist I saw was also great - she really cares about her patients and doesn't force anything onto patients but rather works with them and remains sensitive to their reactions and needs. We tried another cocktail - seroquel, fluoxetine, and something else (I cant remember). And my body immediately rejected all of them except fluoxetine. I felt so terrible form the meds that after three months of taking the fluoxetine and rotating the antipsycotic meds (we kept the fluoxetine stable while experimenting with other meds) eventually we tried an antipsycotic that made me feel so suicidal and terrible physically (tingling sensation everywhere etc.) that I decided to quit everything cold turkey. I had had enough, anything that made me want to kill myself had to go! Fluoxetine (Prozac/Nuzak) Saves the Day! Soon after however, I started experiencing painful withdrawal so I went back to my psychiatrist because I felt I needed the medication again. We then agreed to dump all the other antipsychotic meds altogether and stick to the fluoxetine because it was the only one I reacted well to. Remarkably, after a few weeks on fluoxetine my OCD symptoms began to subside. My mind felt clearer, and I had a much greater degree of peace and calm psychologically. I was very grateful because it actually made a difference for me and saved me from horrendous suffering. The fluoxetine was a life-saver. I also felt happier, less anxious and less depressed. It really changed my life for better. I wasn't 100% better of course, I still had an underlying OCD-depression-anxiety which was there but I was much much better off! I continued to take the fluoxetine (60 mg) until I got an opportunity to move to Germany for a short-term 3 year work project. Quitting Cold Turkey Again and Trying to Move On In the last yer or so of taking the fluoxetine I started to plateau. I felt okay, not great just simply okay and was able to continue with life chasing my goals and ambitions. My OCD-anxiety-depression was still there to a degree, it never left me and every now and again I'd feel quite depressed and I started to wonder if it was worth relying on the meds. Then my intuition began to nudge me to consider quitting the meds. I was feeling okay and I had started to make lifestyle changes that made me feel great and I felt that if I could sustain my new lifestyle changes then I would be able to live free of the fluoxetine. I am aware of how debilitating it can be to stay on a psych drug for so long that you depend on it, and who knows, it can turn on you anytime on the journey. I knew deep in my heart that I was not the type of person to resign myself to remain on these meds for life especially with all their long-term side-effects. So my lifestyle changes had me feeling great and I quit cold turkey in April 2017 cause I thought I was onto something. I felt great for about two months thereafter and then slowly depression and anxiety started to kick in. It grew gradually until it became debilitating. I couldn't work, I couldn't concentrate and at some point I feared if I may ruin the very three year contract that I am on. I lost all hope for the future, my life went absolutely grey and ugly. I hated everything and everyone around me! I hated life, and it felt hopeless. All my ambition, hunger for more and everything else just vanished! There I was, absolutely hopeless. When it got really bad I decided to check if it was withdrawal and I realized that it was. I know its withdrawal because my OCD has remained at the level it was after the meds helped. So the severity of the OCD has not returned and I'm so glad that I've retained that progress, its just the anxiety and hopeless gloomy depression that has been bothering me. I then found this site about two weeks ago and many other sources of info online and I realized that I was going through withdrawal and that there are brave men and women all over the world enduring and recovering from even worse. This gave me much hope. A Miraculous Intervention? After sometime however, the hope I got from this forum waned as the depressive and low states kept hammering me! I felt I couldn't take it anymore. So I decided that I'm going to go back to a local medical doctor and get them to prescribe me some fluoxetine (prozac/nuzak) again. I had lost all hope of making it without some relief from the withdrawal. How would I complete projects, work with other people and meet my targets if I all could do was lay in my room curled up in a ball of corrosive self-pity, debilitating fear, hopeless gloom, deep depression and panicky anxiety. How would any of this amount to anything? Then miraculously, some supplements I had ordered to help me based on the book The Mood Cure by Julia Ross arrived last week the day before I was to see the Dr.. I was not sure about the supplements anymore "but since they're here anyway, I might as well try them" I though to myself. So I took the supplements and went to the Dr. anyway cause I had already given up and made up my mind. When I arrived at the Dr. she was not available due to an emergency and I was told to come back the next day. Perhaps this was a miracle intervention because the supplements actually helped me feel better. I definitely do not feel the way I felt while on the fluoxetine but I think they're just enough to help me cope and get through this. Sometimes I feel great and full of energy and can concentrate on my work, other times I feel slightly depressed and low, but I can still work and get through the day with them. So my question is as follows: My OCD is under control, I've retained the gains I made on the meds despite quitting and I'm almost 5 months free of the fluoxetine (prozac/nuzak). I am experiencing terrible withdrawal characterised by deep depression and ruthless anxiety but the supplements suggested in The Mood Cure are helping me to keep going and some days they make me feel great actually. So much so that I haven't felt the desperate need to go back to the Dr. for reinstatement. However, on the other hand, I was doing okay on the fluoxetine. It had no bad immediate side-effects for me and in fact only made me better until it plateaued but even at the plateau I was much better off than I was before I started taking it. But deep within I have a drive for true healing and to be free of all toxic substances and I feel its time to move on from the drug before I become dependent on it and subject to its long-term side effects. I am now stuck between a rock and hard place: A] Go back on the fluoxetine and feel much better (or not) and possibly become its slave for life (a thought I detest) but avoid the current withdrawal and regain my ability to feel good and work at my peak performance and risk whatever long-term consequences may come (if they come at all)? ----------- OR ---------- B] Stick to my new lifestyle (gym, supplements, high quality nutritious diet, spirituality - prayer, meditation, faith) despite the pain and suffering I have to endure on this path with the hope that deep work and true healing will give birth to a new me (though this is no guarantee), a stronger me that is going to the root of my pain and suffering and facing and processing it the hard authentic way rather than masking it? My Personal Philosophy My personal philosophy is that I should rely on my own intuition and to follow our own Star. My Star seems to be calling me towards true healing and to inviting me to delve deep into my own inner abyss, my inner muck and hell and to conquer it. To conquer my laziness, selfishness, hatred and anger, jealousy, envy, pride, low self-esteem, gluttony, addictive behaviors, lack of self-control, childhood traumas and to do it authentically. My personal philosophy is that I should be free off all toxic and addictive substances and live a healthy life with the aim of changing myself into a better being not just on the outside (wealth, career, body, social status etc.) but also on the inside (spiritually, emotionally and psychologically). At the same time, its important to temper this philosophy with reality and not to be fanatical or extreme. I therefore want to consider the fork in the road where I'm at deeply and honestly before making a rash decision. Thank you very much for your time and consideration!