☼ Brighteningup - Tapering off citalopram - advice welcome

[brighteningup]

Thank you Summer.

 

You always say such lovely supportive thngs.

 

Hope you are doing well too.

[brighteningup]

Just to let you know now 20 days post end of taper, and I have had no problematic physical symptoms and am definitely sleeping better.

 

(Like many of us) am still having big problems with motivation. In my case this means tending to go back to bed in the morning for at least a couple of hours once I've seen my husband out the house, having made him coffee and a packed lunch, thus I lose half the day and taking time to get to sleep at night .

 

However, I think the 'Frightened Child' might be part of the problem.

 

What follows is a bit long, only read if you have the time (and don't be concerned only metaphorical children are distressed, no real children are frightened.)

 

I used to deal with my lack of motivation by threatening myself. Following a discusson with my psychologist, some months ago, we decided to name the problematic voices in my head and I decided there were two, a very nasty voiced Inner Critic who shouted at me and called me things that cannot be broadcast, and The Underminer who was always asking who I thought I was to try and better myself, was I better than everyone else somehow? Just naming these voices had a very powerful effect on me, so I was thinking about this the same day I'd seen the psychologist and I went to stand on a local hill and stare at the view, and I decided there and then that I'd leave the Inner Critic and the Underminer on the hill.

 

The efffect was quite profound, for a start it got a lot, lot quieter in my head and I had a lot more space to think and do. I became calmer and happier. I haven't seen hide or hair of the Underminer since; the Inner Critic has sidled back again a few of times, I've told him he's not welcome and let him babble and shout away in the background for a bit then he's sidled off again. Last time he turned up,shouted something very rude, I said, rather bored with him by now, you know you Just don't help, and he went.

 

However, I have found it harder to get myself to do things. Even though these things will eventually help me. Before the inner critic just beat up on me verbally til I moved, but I ended up completely beaten down, and I won't go that route again.

 

In my quest to identify what's holding me back, I tried to name the problematic voices still in my head again to see if this would help; so today, I discovered the Frightened Child. The frightened child is aged between 5 and 7, and has been with me since I was 8. She is frightened of pretty much everything, and now the inner critic is not there to terrify her into morose submission, she howls and screams and weeps when I want to do something uncomfortable. If I can calm her down it can help; sometimes I just ignore her, but if I do, she just screams more loudly the next day.

 

Giving her a hug (metaphorically) does help a lot, but sometimes she seems to need to be held a long time before she calms down, and then I can find a lot of the day has gone in getting her to stop howling.

 

So I'm not quite sure what I do about her, I don't know if I can just dump her as I did the Inner Critic and the Underminer. Despite the fact she is purely a mental and psychological construct the prospect of child abandonment seems very wrong, so just leaving her on the hill too is probably not going to be the solution. But I'm an adult now (I'm 40!! ) and whilst I'm pleased to retain my childlike curiosity and wonder, I'm really not sure this Frightened Child is helping me in any way any more. I will have to either find a way to calm her down rapidly but also very gently, or somewhere safe, secure and loving to leave her.

 

Not sure how this will work out, but it's interesting to discover.

 

And to those of you who now think I'm totally nuts, it's ok I'm happy with my kind of crazy, and I play safely with others.

 

Best,

 

Bright

[Altostrata]

Bright, that was a fantastic post. Thanks for sharing your insight. I'm going to use it myself!

[brighteningup]

Still doing well on the physical front.

 

Getting better slowly on the motivation front so generally all going well.

 

Am now off on holiday and attending a conference for next 2.5 weeks so probably won't check in here again for a while.

 

Take care all of you.

 

All best,

 

Bright

[Nadia]

I relate to so much of what you say! I'm glad to hear you are doing pretty well...

[brighteningup]

Hi everyone,

 

Just a quick update, I haven't checked in for a while.

 

Just wanted to let you know that as far as I can tell I haven't suffered any serious physical side effects since stopping citalopram completely following tapering off.

 

My concentration levels are much better as is my sleeping. I now usually sleep at least 4 hours before waking and then sleep another 2-3 hours without problem usually. Sometimes I can sleep 5-6 hours at one go. This is way better than when I was taking the drug (and also when I was depressed previously).

 

I may still have some lack of interest in / enjoyment of sex as a hangover from the drugs but this is reducing.

 

There are still some days where I can feel a bit vulnerable and struggle with motivation, but I wouldn't like to say how much of that might be remaining bits of withdrawal, and how much is due things I still need to resolve that pushed me into depression - which I'm still working on.

 

I live in the North of the UK and it can get pretty dark here in Winter and I think I may have felt a little lower in mood due to the dark. However my low moments tend to pass in waves and not last all day and I can watch them passing and it's ok. I have a daylight bulb in my kitchen where I work - it seems to help.

 

For me talking therapies have also been very important, I am still continuing to see someone privately about ongoing motivation issues around work and I feel this has been very helpful to me too. I think without the tools these talking therapies have given me I might have slipped back into depression more easily.

 

I would be very wary of taking SSRIs again. For me I think the side effects out-weighed the benefits, although they may have helped initially; I think being on them for 6 months - and then the necessary 5 month taper to come off them (during which side effects continued) may have actually prolonged some of the experiences of depression. Perhaps being on them for 2-3 months and then tapering might have been better, perhaps not taking them at all, I'm not sure. I do think I needed help though, I got very useful support from my GP and an NHS clinical psychologist, and without this I think I would have found it much more difficult to get over the worst of the depression.

 

I'm not saying I feel absolutely fine yet - I don't - but things are generally improving and I have many more good moments than bad.

 

Sadly we recently lost one of our cats after a short illness, and while this has made me very sad, it's somehow a clean and natural sadness, and I seem to being staying out of the dark pit of depression which is good.

 

All in all I think the advice I got here to do a slow taper has been really useful and has worked out well for me. Thank you all for your support and advice.

 

Hoping all is well for you all,

 

Best wishes for the festive holidays and the New Year.

 

All Best,

 

Bright

[Altostrata]

So nice to see you again, bright! Very happy you're doing well. Thanks for letting us know.

 

Your suggestion of the daylight bulb is brilliant.

[Nadia]

Really glad to hear from you, Bright, and so glad things are going in a positive direction!

 

Happy holidays to you as well...

 

N.

[Altostrata]

I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol

☼

to the title of your Intro topic, to show you're recovering.

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!