Jump to content
PatriciaVP

PatriciaVP: #TweetingMyRecovery 140 Characters is all I got

Recommended Posts

Frogie   
Frogie

PatriciaVP:

 

I'm sorry you are having such a rotten day. :(

I hope it gets better for you soon.

 

Can you watch tv to take your mind off of it? I'm really bad. I watch the shopping channel QVC. Don't buy anything very often, but it's safe for me. No violence, or anything like that. I'm nauseous everyday. I don't like it at all. :(

 

I have my granddaughter, so we are going to make Christmas cookies and cupcakes today. It's snowing here. -2 and feels like -20, not going anywhere.

 

Have a better day :). Keep in touch if you need too, I'll be on.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

Christmas cookies and cupcakes sounds like fun! How old is your granddaughter? It's snowing here too, though not quite as cold thank goodness. I'll have to go out to move my car for the plow in a bit so those temperatures would REALLY make me cranky. A at least it's above zero here.

 

If I were alone I'd probably be watching TV, but my husband is home. I'm grateful for the company, but it complicates some of the coping mechanisms I usually use.

 

Things are getting better as the day goes by which is good. I just hate being in such a wave right now. There are so many things I'd love to be doing.

Share this post


Link to post
Frogie   
Frogie

Christmas cookies and cupcakes sounds like fun! How old is your granddaughter? It's snowing here too, though not quite as cold thank goodness. I'll have to go out to move my car for the plow in a bit so those temperatures would REALLY make me cranky. A at least it's above zero here.

If I were alone I'd probably be watching TV, but my husband is home. I'm grateful for the company, but it complicates some of the coping mechanisms I usually use.

Things are getting better as the day goes by which is good. I just hate being in such a wave right now. There are so many things I'd love to be doing.

My granddaughter is 9. I haven't seen her since her birthday party in August because I've been sick.

 

My significant other (him and I aren't married but been together for 8 years) is at his brothers. They are doing a total remodel of their house and he's doing some of the electrical. Won't see him for a while.

 

I'm glad your day is a little better. Hopefully as the day goes on it will get better for you. :)

 

If you have any suggestions to get rid of nausea since June, that would be awesome!

 

I'm here if you need to talk.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

This was an awful day. Had to leave my gym class early because I felt so sick to my stomach. I always find that so embarrassing. I was supposed to go grocery shopping, but every time I tried to get ready to go out I got so anxious that I started crying uncontrollably. I hate this! I remember when you couldn't keep me at home. Where is that person? If I was sure she was coming back, it would be one thing, but there's no way to know for sure.

Share this post


Link to post
Frogie   
Frogie

This was an awful day. Had to leave my gym class early because I felt so sick to my stomach. I always find that so embarrassing. I was supposed to go grocery shopping, but every time I tried to get ready to go out I got so anxious that I started crying uncontrollably. I hate this! I remember when you couldn't keep me at home. Where is that person? If I was sure she was coming back, it would be one thing, but there's no way to know for sure.

Hi PatriciaVP:

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so anxious and sick.

 

I hope you feel better soon and get back to yourself :)

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

Keep waking up at around 4:30 AM. So agitated and nauseous. The more I try to relax the worse it gets until it becomes full blown akethesia. I want to get up and do something to relieve it, but the sheer dread keeps me from moving.

 

I try breathing, meditation, etc., but nothing seems to work. This wave just keeps pulling me down. I'm desperate for relief, but can't find it.

 

I don't really feel much better until about 3:30 in the afternoon. I end up watching TV most of the day to get my mind off of how I feel. Seems like such a waste.

 

I eat a cup of yogurt in the morning so I can go to the gym. Exercise provides some relief. I can't really eat the rest of the day until dinner time. I have this sensation of being full even though I haven't eaten.

 

Just so tired right now. Going to the gym anyway to try to get relief.

Share this post


Link to post
AliG   
AliG

Pat. I think you're doing well. Don't beat yourself up. I think we tend to do this in withdrawal and I'm guilty of it too. Let's ease up on ourselves for a little bit, shall we. Are we hanging in there and going through the motions ? Maybe/ yes. You're still going to the gym.  I gave up on that many months ago but I'm planning to go back soon. If I don't though - so be it .

 

You're practicing breathing / meditation. That's a plus.

 

Watching TV - yes, I did it and still do it .If I had not had " Friends"  & " Seinfeld " - I don't know where I would be. They got me through the darkest nights of insomnia.

It's not such a bad thing - distraction helped me enormously and I don't apologize for it. I'm alive. It got me through !

 

If exercise helps then - do it . Whatever works for you . This is all about surviving those times that we don't think we can go through.

Find relief in any form that helps and don't feel guilty about it for a second. This is your therapy to "keep going" no matter what .

 

Fatigue comes and goes - but usually it stays. Its a fact of life in W/D for quite a while. It gets better eventually as most symptoms do.

Its harsh and tough and we hate it !  Just saying . There's not much we can do but go through it. Eventually we come out the other side and get our life back.

Ali

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

Thanks Frogie and Ali. It's so great to have a place to express myself where people truly understand.

 

I've come up with a new mantra (one of many). The only way out is through. There are no shortcuts.

Share this post


Link to post
Frogie   
Frogie

Thanks Frogie and Ali. It's so great to have a place to express myself where people truly understand.

I've come up with a new mantra (one of many). The only way out is through. There are no shortcuts.

There are no short cuts, if there were, I would have found it by now lol...

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

Share this post


Link to post
AliG   
AliG

Winston Churchill quote I think - plus if you're going through hell , keep going !  :)

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

That's where it's from- Winston Churchill. Thanks Ali! I couldn't remember. Good old Winston. Full of sage advice. Some claimed that he suffered from depression or melancholy as it was known then. Imagine if someone had tried to medicate him. I shudder at the thought.

 

I looked at my GNC membership card today and realize it had expired several years ago. I got a knot in my stomachs as my mind started listing all the things I had invested in and never put to use. As I was berating myself and descending into that black hole of self loathing I had a thought - Of all the things I could feel bad about, the direction of our country, destruction in the middle east, terrorist attacks, and I'm obsessing over a stupid membership card? Seriously!!? I almost laughed out loud at myself. I had this momentary sense of relief that felt good in the middle of the wave I've been having.

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

Still waking up very early (around 4:30) filled with anxiety and some akathesia. Still don't have any appetite until the evening.

 

I have been able to force myself to go out for the past two days - first to the movies and to my cousin's house. Had my daughter with me both times so I think that made a difference. She's home from college on holiday break. I'm very thankful for that.

Share this post


Link to post
AliG   
AliG

That must have been lovely , P. I hope you can keep it up even without your daughter beside you although I understand how tough it can be on your own.

Happy holidays. Have a joyous Xmas.

Share this post


Link to post
Frogie   
Frogie

Hi PatriciaVP:

 

I'm sorry you are having those symptoms, but can relate.

 

You are very lucky to have your daughter with you, I'm sure that helps a lot.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

I feel as if I am halfway across a large body of water. I'll never make it to the shore that I am swimming for, but there is no way I can go back. So I'll just drown right where I am.

Share this post


Link to post
Frogie   
Frogie

I feel as if I am halfway across a large body of water. I'll never make it to the shore that I am swimming for, but there is no way I can go back. So I'll just drown right where I am.

I'm sooo sorry you are feeling so poorly.

 

Just think though, you have your daughter for Christmas. :)

 

Feel better soon...

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

Just realised how ironic the above statement was considering the Dory quote in my signature.

 

I was finally asleep last night after meditating my way out of exhausting agitation. I was dreaming away (such a relief) when my husband decided to yell out from beside me in bed at the cat who he thought was going through the trash. I catapulted out of bed only to find that the dog had managed to knock down the treat jar. It would have been no big deal even if he had eaten them all. By this time, however, I was just so agitated there was no calming down and going back to sleep. I ended up in such a tizzy, I became self destructive and scratched the CRAP out of my arm.

 

I feel self-destructive once in a while. I have for years. I think it was a side effects of the Lexapro as well as a withdrawal symptom.

 

I just get so little sleep as it is, and being awake is often so painful. Being woken up seems to be more than I can stand.

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

Thanks Frogie. Yes, I am happy she is here. I just wish I could feel better for my family.

Share this post


Link to post
Frogie   
Frogie

Thanks Frogie. Yes, I am happy she is here. I just wish I could feel better for my family.

I know exactly what you mean.

 

I will keep my fingers crossed for both of us. :)

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

I got off all the drugs partly because I was sleeping my life away in spite of my best efforts to be healthy. Now I find myself pining away for those days. The anxiety, akathesia, DP, DR and stomach problems feel unbearable. I watch TV most of the day to escape. What makes me the most crazy is that I'm not even off the drug yet. I still have so far to go.

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

Last couple of posts I've made have disappeared. So this is a test.

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

Woke up feeling awful this morning, but LESS awful than I have in several weeks. Slept undisturbed from 11 to around 6. These are pretty good improvements. Perhaps this latest wave is settling down? Fingers crossed.

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

So the DP/DR, akathesia and racing thoughts seem to have left. Yay!

 

Right now I'm experiencing the following symptoms:

 

Upset stomach

Diarrhoea

Fatigue

Cog fog

Lack of motivation

Confusion

Share this post


Link to post
Frogie   
Frogie

So the DP/DR, akathesia and racing thoughts seem to have left. Yay!

Right now I'm experiencing the following symptoms:

Upset stomach

Diarrhoea

Fatigue

Cog fog

Lack of motivation

Confusion

PatriciaVP:

 

I'm experiencing the same things right now and it awful.

I hope you feel better soon. :)

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

As I withdraw, I'm experiencing some bizarre symptoms that I now recall having when I first started the drug. Symptoms that should have been alarming at the time, but didn't really bother me probably because of the spell binding effect of the drug. I certainly never attributed them to the drug nor did I think to mention them to my pdoc at the time. I'm talking about symptoms like:

 

Depth perception disturbances

Confusion

Loss of sense of direction

Loss of bladder control

 

The most bizarre symptom was a sudden disturbance in my sense of taste. Almost everything had this gross salty metallic taste. The only things I could stand to eat for almost two months were sherbet, broth and some fruit juices. Everything else was just so disgusting. At first I thought it was a cold or strep throat, but I never got any other symptoms.

 

The fact that all these came upon me within a month or two of starting the drug and yet I never made the connection seems so absurd now.

Share this post


Link to post
Frogie   
Frogie

As I withdraw, I'm experiencing some bizarre symptoms that I now recall having when I first started the drug. Symptoms that should have been alarming at the time, but didn't really bother me probably because of the spell binding effect of the drug. I certainly never attributed them to the drug nor did I think to mention them to my pdoc at the time. I'm talking about symptoms like:

 

Depth perception disturbances

Confusion

Loss of sense of direction

Loss of bladder control

 

The most bizarre symptom was a sudden disturbance in my sense of taste. Almost everything had this gross salty metallic taste. The only things I could stand to eat for almost two months were sherbet, broth and some fruit juices. Everything else was just so disgusting. At first I thought it was a cold or strep throat, but I never got any other symptoms.

 

The fact that all these came upon me within a month or two of starting the drug and yet I never made the connection seems so absurd now.

 

Hi Patricia VP:

 

Sorry to hear you having more W/D symptoms.

Hopefully they won't last long  :)

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

I'm not having all those symptoms right now, but I have had them throughout withdrawal. It wasn't until withdrawal that I realized that these really strange symptoms I had had early in treatment with the drugs were actually side effects. It's just testament to the spellbinding abilities of these pills.

Share this post


Link to post
Frogie   
Frogie

I'm not having all those symptoms right now, but I have had them throughout withdrawal. It wasn't until withdrawal that I realized that these really strange symptoms I had had early in treatment with the drugs were actually side effects. It's just testament to the spellbinding abilities of these pills.

I know exactly what you mean...

Share this post


Link to post
Frogie   
Frogie

Hi PatriciaVP:

 

Just thought I would stop by and say hi.

 

Hopefully your feeling better. I think the holidays do a lot to us.

 

Hang in there :)

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

I've been thinking a lot about acceptance lately. Accepting the symptoms of withdrawal. Accepting the necessity of a slow taper. Accepting that even if I heal completely, I can't possibly be the same person I was when I started the drugs over 16 years ago, nor can I get that time back. It's been a process, but I think I am finally getting to a place where acceptance no longer feels unattainable.

 

I've been thinking back to a time many years ago when I realized I had a problem finding contentment. I would finish a project at home or at work, and instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment, I would feel let down and empty. I needed something else to throw myself into right away. So I started planning my next project before the current one was finished. This got so bad that I stopped finishing anything. I was constantly planning for the next thing, and the next, and the next.

 

It's only now, when planning for anything has become practically impossible that I'm finally seeing what the issue was all those years ago. If I can't appreciate things as they are. I'll never appreciate what is to be because someday what is to be will be what is. If I can't appreciate my soft couch, endless entertainment choices on Netflix and my pets laying here with me, I can never appreciate an active career and social life either. Constantly looking toward the future obscures the beauty of the present.

Share this post


Link to post
Lakelander82   
Lakelander82

I've been thinking a lot about acceptance lately. Accepting the symptoms of withdrawal. Accepting the necessity of a slow taper. Accepting that even if I heal completely, I can't possibly be the same person I was when I started the drugs over 16 years ago, nor can I get that time back. It's been a process, but I think I am finally getting to a place where acceptance no longer feels unattainable.

 

I've been thinking back to a time many years ago when I realized I had a problem finding contentment. I would finish a project at home or at work, and instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment, I would feel let down and empty. I needed something else to throw myself into right away. So I started planning my next project before the current one was finished. This got so bad that I stopped finishing anything. I was constantly planning for the next thing, and the next, and the next.

 

It's only now, when planning for anything has become practically impossible that I'm finally seeing what the issue was all those years ago. If I can't appreciate things as they are. I'll never appreciate what is to be because someday what is to be will be what is. If I can't appreciate my soft couch, endless entertainment choices on Netflix and my pets laying here with me, I can never appreciate an active career and social life either. Constantly looking toward the future obscures the beauty of the present.

Can you not socialise because of withdrawal Patricia?

Share this post


Link to post
Frogie   
Frogie

Hi PatriciaVP:

 

You are soooo awesome! You have really thought all of this out.

 

Here I sit, "feeling sorry for myself". In the same situation you are in. A slow taper.

 

I'm nauseous almost every morning that I wake up. The mornings that I'm not, I eat a good breakfast and make myself sick lol...

 

I should be thankful for the tv, my 15 year old chihuahua laying next to me, wanting mommy.

 

I used to be just like you, you would get a project done, and what can I do next? So, just like you, I would have too many things going at once, but I would shut down. And I loved my job. Now I'm on disability and sit at home all day long. I look forward to Thursday, because at least I get out and talk to my therapist lol...

 

I need to be thankful for what I have. A great fiancé, my dog, and a really nice neighbor. I live in a town of 600 people, nothing but a small grocery store, gas station, and ace hardware. I'm hoping we are going to move home in the next year or so. I think my fiancé is getting burned out. He is a master electrician, and the only electrician for the company. He's getting tired of doing everything without help. He's been offered a job at home, just need to convince him it's for the best.

 

Do you get a lot of nausea? That's all I can really complain about. Other than that I don't have any other symptoms. I sleep, I'm just bored, so I sit and cry. But at least I have emotions.

 

Too bad we don't live closer, we could be friends.

 

Thanks for opening my eyes to the world, even if it's really small where I am. :)

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

 

I've been thinking a lot about acceptance lately. Accepting the symptoms of withdrawal. Accepting the necessity of a slow taper. Accepting that even if I heal completely, I can't possibly be the same person I was when I started the drugs over 16 years ago, nor can I get that time back. It's been a process, but I think I am finally getting to a place where acceptance no longer feels unattainable.

 

I've been thinking back to a time many years ago when I realized I had a problem finding contentment. I would finish a project at home or at work, and instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment, I would feel let down and empty. I needed something else to throw myself into right away. So I started planning my next project before the current one was finished. This got so bad that I stopped finishing anything. I was constantly planning for the next thing, and the next, and the next.

 

It's only now, when planning for anything has become practically impossible that I'm finally seeing what the issue was all those years ago. If I can't appreciate things as they are. I'll never appreciate what is to be because someday what is to be will be what is. If I can't appreciate my soft couch, endless entertainment choices on Netflix and my pets laying here with me, I can never appreciate an active career and social life either. Constantly looking toward the future obscures the beauty of the present.

Can you not socialise because of withdrawal Patricia?

 

Hi Lakelander,

 

Truth is- I wasn't very social when I was on all the drugs. It's really hard to be active and chatty when all you want to do is sleep 24/7. Getting out became difficult because of the drugs as well. Before I was on the drugs, I hated to spend a whole day at home. Within a few years of starting the meds agoraphobia set it. I stopped wanting to go anywhere. It's very hard to be social when you hate to leave your house. I also didn't care all that much then. The drugs definitely disabled my "give a f***". 

 

Now that I'm in withdrawal, my difficulty socializing seems to have different causes. The agoraphobia is still a major factor, but I'm also having trouble with cog fog which makes following a conversation extremely difficult. My life has also become so different from most of my peers. The reality of withdrawal and the damage these drugs do just takes up so much of my consciousness it's made it very difficult to connect with people for whom the medications still represent a modern miracle.

 

So I guess the short answer is that the drugs themselves have stunted my social life, not just the withdrawal.

Share this post


Link to post
Lakelander82   
Lakelander82

Well you're the opposite of me, I was put on SSRIs precisely because I had social anxiety and agoraphobia as well as depression. Since my last cut I have noticed all these things return, which makes me think I'm just returning to this state....but then again I'm being told it's just my CNS stabilising...stabilising to what I don't know because it was never stable to begin with, that's why I was put on the drugs.

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

Hi PatriciaVP:

 

You are soooo awesome! You have really thought all of this out.

 

Here I sit, "feeling sorry for myself". In the same situation you are in. A slow taper.

 

I'm nauseous almost every morning that I wake up. The mornings that I'm not, I eat a good breakfast and make myself sick lol...

 

I should be thankful for the tv, my 15 year old chihuahua laying next to me, wanting mommy.

 

I used to be just like you, you would get a project done, and what can I do next? So, just like you, I would have too many things going at once, but I would shut down. And I loved my job. Now I'm on disability and sit at home all day long. I look forward to Thursday, because at least I get out and talk to my therapist lol...

 

I need to be thankful for what I have. A great fiancé, my dog, and a really nice neighbor. I live in a town of 600 people, nothing but a small grocery store, gas station, and ace hardware. I'm hoping we are going to move home in the next year or so. I think my fiancé is getting burned out. He is a master electrician, and the only electrician for the company. He's getting tired of doing everything without help. He's been offered a job at home, just need to convince him it's for the best.

 

Do you get a lot of nausea? That's all I can really complain about. Other than that I don't have any other symptoms. I sleep, I'm just bored, so I sit and cry. But at least I have emotions.

 

Too bad we don't live closer, we could be friends.

 

Thanks for opening my eyes to the world, even if it's really small where I am. :)

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

Frogie, you are too kind. Trying to make my own life just as it is as good as I can isn't all that awesome, but I do appreciate the sentiment.

 

I've not been getting much morning nausea lately. It seems to have settled down for now, but I expect that next time I make a cut I will get it again. That seems to be what always happens. Nausea has been a pretty good barometer for me. When I've been able to go a couple of weeks without it, I know it's safe to cut again. I don't have the same stomach  issues as you do, however, so I imagine that it's much worse for you.

 

I agree that it would be great if we lived closer. We seem to have so much in common. Just having someone who "gets it" to hang out with would be so great. But this long distance, computerized friendship we've struck up has been such a blessing. 

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

Well you're the opposite of me, I was put on SSRIs precisely because I had social anxiety and agoraphobia as well as depression. Since my last cut I have noticed all these things return, which makes me think I'm just returning to this state....but then again I'm being told it's just my CNS stabilising...stabilising to what I don't know because it was never stable to begin with, that's why I was put on the drugs.

It sounds like you were doing pretty well on the medications. Can I ask what led you to want to come off of them?

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.