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PatriciaVP

PatriciaVP: #TweetingMyRecovery 140 Characters is all I got

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Lakelander82   
Lakelander82

 

Well you're the opposite of me, I was put on SSRIs precisely because I had social anxiety and agoraphobia as well as depression. Since my last cut I have noticed all these things return, which makes me think I'm just returning to this state....but then again I'm being told it's just my CNS stabilising...stabilising to what I don't know because it was never stable to begin with, that's why I was put on the drugs.

 

It sounds like you were doing pretty well on the medications. Can I ask what led you to want to come off of them?

I thought I had better make a concerted effort to come off them otherwise I'd be on them the rest of my life, no other reason than that. A sort of heroic decision to see if I could could cope with life without medication. If I could barely enter a shop without anxiety, then take the medication and move freely in public with no anxiety and then see the same symptoms reoccur upon gradual tapering, what logical conclusion can you draw from that? Does a leopard change it's spots? Do you suddenly lose those utterly debilitating conditions because you tapered gently?

 

I ask myself continuously if I was doing fine on the medication is there really any point putting yourself through this torture only to arrive back at the same point you were at, which is utterly miserable.

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Lakelander82   
Lakelander82

For two pins I'd reinstate the whole 50mgs and return back to a proper functioning human being and forget about this whole tapering melarkey, because I am throughly miserable at the minute. Sorry for butting in on your thread by the way.

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PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

 

 

Well you're the opposite of me, I was put on SSRIs precisely because I had social anxiety and agoraphobia as well as depression. Since my last cut I have noticed all these things return, which makes me think I'm just returning to this state....but then again I'm being told it's just my CNS stabilising...stabilising to what I don't know because it was never stable to begin with, that's why I was put on the drugs.

It sounds like you were doing pretty well on the medications. Can I ask what led you to want to come off of them?

I thought I had better make a concerted effort to come off them otherwise I'd be on them the rest of my life, no other reason than that. A sort of heroic decision to see if I could could cope with life without medication. If I could barely enter a shop without anxiety, then take the medication and move freely in public with no anxiety and then see the same symptoms reoccur upon gradual tapering, what logical conclusion can you draw from that? Does a leopard change it's spots? Do you suddenly lose those utterly debilitating conditions because you tapered gently?

 

I ask myself continuously if I was doing fine on the medication is there really any point putting yourself through this torture only to arrive back at the same point you were at, which is utterly miserable.

 

 

Feel free to butt in anytime. 

 

My situation is so different from yours. The medication had clearly dumped me in a horrid place. I was at a point where I could no longer live the way I was. Everything had become so empty. Extreme changes to my diet and exercise routines just weren't doing anything for me. When I realized that there was a possibility that the drugs themselves were laying me so low, it was obvious I had no choice but to try to rid myself of them.

 

I realized that my reasons for going on them were minor compared to the debilitating emptiness that had become my life. When I first started the drugs, I was working full time, raising a little girl and had a relatively full social life. Juggling all those things did cause some anxiety and the pressure I put on myself to always be better and do more led to some depression, but at least I was DOING SOMETHING! The drugs made it so that leaving my bed seemed like a huge task. Now that I've reduced them at least I can stay awake most of the day.

 

If I was like you, and I could clearly see how I was better on the drugs than off them, I don't think it would've ever occurred to me to taper. I do know, however from personal experience that people do not age well on them. My mother, for instance, has been on various psychotropic drugs all my life and she ended up in a nursing home at the age of 77. It's not pretty. I have yet to hear of a healthy, active older adult who has been on psychiatric medications for years. That right there may be more than enough reason to come off them.

 

You see I know for sure that any depression, anxiety, etc. that I was experiencing before the drugs were nothing compared to the horrible side effects and withdrawal symptoms they've unleashed on me. I know that once this is over, I can deal with the "original symptoms" just fine on my own thank you very much.

 

If you don't think you can deal with your original symptoms without the drug, there still may be valid reasons for coming off them as I've stated above. You just have to make sure you find alternative ways to deal with theses things. Otherwise life without drugs may not work for you,

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PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

Still feeling lethargic, unmotivated, cognitively impaired, sick to my stomach and generally blah. Trying to be thankful that I don't have anxiety, akathesia, crying spells and internal vibrations. I've seen too much change in the past year to believe that anything is permanent. So why is it that my brain is constantly trying to convince me that it is?

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Frogie   
Frogie

Still feeling lethargic, unmotivated, cognitively impaired, sick to my stomach and generally blah. Trying to be thankful that I don't have anxiety, akathesia, crying spells and internal vibrations. I've seen too much change in the past year to believe that anything is permanent. So why is it that my brain is constantly trying to convince me that it is?

Hi PatriciaVP:

 

I'm so sorry you are having a rough time.

 

Did you do another taper? I didn't read everything, sorry.

 

I hope you feel better soon. :)

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

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Blondiee1915   
Blondiee1915

I am sorry Patricia you are not feeling well . Hoping you will feel better soon . Hang in there

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Flowers   
Flowers

Hope things improve for you soon.

 

All we can do is take one day at a time......... tomorrow might just be a better one.

 

Flowers xxx

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PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

Anxiety, agitation, akathesia and some crying returned this morning. Haven't tapered since the end of November. Felt like I had a cold coming on. That might have something to do with it. My husband's home sick from work this week too. That doesn't help either. I can't seem to handle any kind of schedule change. I just feel so frustrated with myself.

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Frogie   
Frogie

Anxiety, agitation, akathesia and some crying returned this morning. Haven't tapered since the end of November. Felt like I had a cold coming on. That might have something to do with it. My husband's home sick from work this week too. That doesn't help either. I can't seem to handle any kind of schedule change. I just feel so frustrated with myself.

How!

 

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

 

I hope you feel better soon. :)

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

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doggiemama   
doggiemama

Oh shame I can feel your pain because I'm there at the mo . I see you also have problems eating , I've been this way for 2years and 5 months after C/T I've never been overweight and now I've lost so much weight that I feel sick looking at my self in the mirror. In these 2 odd years I've lost nearly 20kg

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Frogie   
Frogie

 

Anxiety, agitation, akathesia and some crying returned this morning. Haven't tapered since the end of November. Felt like I had a cold coming on. That might have something to do with it. My husband's home sick from work this week too. That doesn't help either. I can't seem to handle any kind of schedule change. I just feel so frustrated with myself.

How!

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

I hope you feel better soon. :)

Take care,

Frogie xx

I meant Wow! But I bet I made you smile :)

 

Take care,

Frogie

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PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

I feel just awful. Akathesia, anxiety, fatigue, lethargy have plagued me all day. I went to see close friends this weekend, and their schedule is very different than what I'm used to. Up most of the night and quiet during the day. I actually felt much better while I was there, but I think I'm crashing now. I spilled a green smoothie, and got so upset, I couldn't calm down. Ended up having to cancel my dentist appointment because I didn't dare leave the house at that point.

 

Funny thing is I did the same thing this weekend at my friend's house, cleaned it up perfectly calmly and went on having fun without a second thought. Why such a dramatic difference. I wish I could figure it out so I could recreate that calm me.

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Blondiee1915   
Blondiee1915

Hi Patricia,

 

Sorry you are not having a good day . Maybe your body is recovering after the weekend ? Try not to get upset and see how you feel in few days .

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PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

I'm sure you're right, Blondie. Just have to be patient and give it plenty of time.

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AliG   
AliG

Pat. I'm healing in a big way and yet I still empathize and understand the symptoms. All I can say is just keep going through it . Eventually, it subsides. 

 

Yes. It is hard to understand and assimilate but you will get there.  :)

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PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

Thanks, AliG! The encouragement is very much appreciated. I know that healing will happen in time. My brain is assimilating to a new way of functioning without the drugs.

 

I have been consciously trying not to spend too much time looking forward to the time when withdrawal comes to an end, and I am symptom free. I've been trying to be in the moment, sitting and observing the pain. Walking through it with awareness. I can't get past the feeling that this is an important time in my life. One that must be paid attention to. A priceless gem dwells in the muck that is withdrawal. It's hard to not sit here and pine away for the day all will be well, but I do believe that by doing so, I'm missing something vital. Be darned if I know what that is, of course.

 

This is so much easier said than done as evidenced by yesterday's post. I suppose like so many other things it requires practice.

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PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

Today I am very depressed. Aside from exercise class this morning, I've had no gumption to leave my couch. I was awake most of the night, and I have a bad cold so I am sure that is making things worse.

 

I see this as progress, however. Gone is the agitation, anxiety, akathesia, racing and ruminating thoughts. Perhaps this is a new faze of healing. I believe it is and I am thankful for it.

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Frogie   
Frogie

Today I am very depressed. Aside from exercise class this morning, I've had no gumption to leave my couch. I was awake most of the night, and I have a bad cold so I am sure that is making things worse.

I see this as progress, however. Gone is the agitation, anxiety, akathesia, racing and ruminating thoughts. Perhaps this is a new faze of healing. I believe it is and I am thankful for it.

Hi PatriciaVP:

 

At least you went to exercise class. I haven't even taken a shower yet today.

 

I did pay some bills. And now I sit again.

 

Keep your chin up. :)

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

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PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

Hey Frogie,

 

Good job with the bills. My husband does all that. I just can't deal with all the figuring. I actually haven't showered yet either, and I sweat big time this morning. Eeww!

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Frogie   
Frogie

Hey Frogie,

Good job with the bills. My husband does all that. I just can't deal with all the figuring. I actually haven't showered yet either, and I sweat big time this morning. Eeww!

Hi PatriciaVP:

 

I take care of my uncles bills. Thank goodness he only has 4 a month.

 

My fiancé takes care of ours.

 

Oh well about the shower, you feel better first. :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

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PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

Strangest thing just happened. I was behind another car at a stop sign and they were just sitting there for the longest time with no one coming so I honked. Other driver gave me the finger and started to back up on me. To avoid confrontation, I swerved around and left.

 

Normally I would obsess and ruminate for the rest of the day after something like that. Couldn't hold a conversation about anything else. Blood pressure through the roof. Might even end up in tears. Yet here I am now retelling the story perfectly calm without any strong emotion. I have not been able to handle anything this well in years. Since long before I began the taper.

 

All that day long obsessive thinking an ruminating set off by the most minor slight has been because of these damn drugs. It was never me! I'm not sure whether to be elated or pissed. Perhaps I'm pisselated?

 

Doing much better lately in general. I've actually been alert and relaxed at the same time. Didn't even know that was possible. Have had a cold over the past week, and my diet has consisted mostly of bone broth and green smoothies. I'm sure that has helped. If this keeps up, I may be looking at another taper in a couple of weeks. Haven't tapered in over 2 months.

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Frogie   
Frogie

Strangest thing just happened. I was behind another car at a stop sign and they were just sitting there for the longest time with no one coming so I honked. Other driver gave me the finger and started to back up on me. To avoid confrontation, I swerved around and left.

Normally I would obsess and ruminate for the rest of the day after something like that. Couldn't hold a conversation about anything else. Blood pressure through the roof. Might even end up in tears. Yet here I am now retelling the story perfectly calm without any strong emotion. I have not been able to handle anything this well in years. Since long before I began the taper.

All that day long obsessive thinking an ruminating set off by the most minor slight has been because of these damn drugs. It was never me! I'm not sure whether to be elated or pissed. Perhaps I'm pisselated?

Doing much better lately in general. I've actually been alert and relaxed at the same time. Didn't even know that was possible. Have had a cold over the past week, and my diet has consisted mostly of bone broth and green smoothies. I'm sure that has helped. If this keeps up, I may be looking at another taper in a couple of weeks. Haven't tapered in over 2 months.

PatriciaVP:

 

That's awesome that you kept your cool. :)

 

Keep it going...

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

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PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

THE PSYCHOTIC PDOC: The Saga Continues......

 

Some of you may recall that I was getting my medication from a psychiatric nurse practitioner (Steve Arvin from Concord, NH) who has...well, let's just say some issues. Once I successfully got off the Depakote that he insisted I needed (you guessed it) "Like a diabetic needs insulin", he tried to force me off the Lexapro by refusing to prescribe enough for a reasonable taper.

 

So... I went to my PCP. She was willing to give me a 30 day supply, but didn't want to give me any more until she got my records from his office. Mind you, I had submitted a records release form to Mr. Arvin three weeks prior so she should have already had them. She was going to talk to him and get back in touch with me to set up an appointment. 

 

Six weeks go by. I had an extra bottle of the liquid Lex tucked away so I didn't run out. Left a message with my PCP for an update. No return call. Finally gave up and called for a refill, and a nurse from her office just called me back today.

 

Apparently Mr. Arvin is refusing to send them my records because he thinks I should continue the taper with him. HE WASN'T EVEN TAPERING ME! HE WAS FORCING ME OFF! WTF! I'm pretty sure that refusing to release my medical records and forcing me to see him for care is illegal even if he did agree to a safe taper which he clearly is not.

 

I just made an appointment to see him Feb. 15. Hopefully, he'll agree to continue the liquid. I'm going to need it for another year, at least. It's going to be all I can do to keep from telling the SOB where he can shove his script pad. In the meantime, I'm going to file a complaint with the board of medicine since he is clearly violating my rights.

 

I know I should find another pdoc, but I don't even know where to look. I guess anyone would be better than this a**hiole. 

 

Thanks for listening to my rant. Any ideas would be appreciated.

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Frogie   
Frogie

THE PSYCHOTIC PDOC: The Saga Continues......

 

Some of you may recall that I was getting my medication from a psychiatric nurse practitioner (Steve Arvin from Concord, NH) who has...well, let's just say some issues. Once I successfully got off the Depakote that he insisted I needed (you guessed it) "Like a diabetic needs insulin", he tried to force me off the Lexapro by refusing to prescribe enough for a reasonable taper.

 

So... I went to my PCP. She was willing to give me a 30 day supply, but didn't want to give me any more until she got my records from his office. Mind you, I had submitted a records release form to Mr. Arvin three weeks prior so she should have already had them. She was going to talk to him and get back in touch with me to set up an appointment. 

 

Six weeks go by. I had an extra bottle of the liquid Lex tucked away so I didn't run out. Left a message with my PCP for an update. No return call. Finally gave up and called for a refill, and a nurse from her office just called me back today.

 

Apparently Mr. Arvin is refusing to send them my records because he thinks I should continue the taper with him. HE WASN'T EVEN TAPERING ME! HE WAS FORCING ME OFF! WTF! I'm pretty sure that refusing to release my medical records and forcing me to see him for care is illegal even if he did agree to a safe taper which he clearly is not.

 

I just made an appointment to see him Feb. 15. Hopefully, he'll agree to continue the liquid. I'm going to need it for another year, at least. It's going to be all I can do to keep from telling the SOB where he can shove his script pad. In the meantime, I'm going to file a complaint with the board of medicine since he is clearly violating my rights.

 

I know I should find another pdoc, but I don't even know where to look. I guess anyone would be better than this a**hiole. 

 

Thanks for listening to my rant. Any ideas would be appreciated.

Hi PatriciaVP:

 

That's too bad some Drs have to be like that.

 

It is illegal what he is doing, he should know that. I had that problem with Kaiser.

 

File a complaint, maybe he'll get the hint that you aren't messing around.

 

Keep us up to date on what's going on.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

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scallywag   
scallywag

What's the legislation is in NH related to personal medical information? A stern letter written by you threatening enforcement, reporting to the state's nursing regulatory/licensing body, and/or legal action might light a fire under his arrogance. Even better if you know a lawyer you can add as a cc to the letter.

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PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

That's a great idea, Scallywag. I was already going to send him a letter, but cc-ing the lawyer is something I didn't think of. I actually know the director of our state's Disabilities Rights Center. Think I will cc him.

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PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

A wave has enveloped me again. It's as if someone snuck up behind me and tossed a large, heavy, wet blanket over me and it's dragging me to the ground. I can't stand, and I can hardly breath.

 

Started my period Friday. Sure that has something to do with it. Now I have bad cramps, but I just can't rest. Back to feeling restless yet unable to move at the same time.

 

I was planning on writing that letter to my pdoc today, but I just can't organize myself enough to even start. When I do I plan to post the text here. Hopefully tomorrow.

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Frogie   
Frogie

A wave has enveloped me again. It's as if someone snuck up behind me and tossed a large, heavy, wet blanket over me and it's dragging me to the ground. I can't stand, and I can hardly breath.

Started my period Friday. Sure that has something to do with it. Now I have bad cramps, but I just can't rest. Back to feeling restless yet unable to move at the same time.

I was planning on writing that letter to my pdoc today, but I just can't organize myself enough to even start. When I do I plan to post the text here. Hopefully tomorrow.

Hi PatriciaVP:

 

Sorry you're not feeling well.

 

Sending good thoughts your way. :)

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

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brassmonkey   
brassmonkey

((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

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PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

All the work I did during my last wave is gone. Everything I did to increase acceptance, embrace the experience and find the good has now abandoned me. It's as if the window erased my memory.

 

I wasn't expecting the window. It was so nice, but now that it's over I don't know how to get back to the state of peace and acceptance I had somehow achieved at the end of my last wave. I guess I'll just have to work on it again. Maybe I'll get it right eventually.

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PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

Thanks Frogie and Brassmonkey. It's so nice to have such caring listeners here.

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PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

I just finished writing the letter to my pdoc, and am posting the text here. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

 

Mr. Steven Arvin ARNP

:

It has come to my attention that you are refusing to send my records from your office to my primary care provider as I had requested this past November and are insisting that I continue to taper off escitalopram (generic Lexapro) under your supervision. As you can imagine this came as a surprise to me given your previous refusal to see me or to write me a script at my current dose of 7.5 mgs.

 

I have made an appointment to see you at your office on February 15. If we are to continue to work together, I must insist on following the enclosed taper schedule of no more than 10% of my current dose per month. I am also including information on why this taper schedule is important and recommended by most psychiatrists with experience tapering patients off psychoactive medication.

 

If you do not feel comfortable tapering me at this rate, please have a copy of all my records from your office ready for me at this appointment. I will also need a 30-day prescription from you for the escitalopram at 7.5 mgs/day to avoid withdrawal since your actions have caused me to run low.

 

Failure to comply with these requests will force me to file a complaint with the New Hampshire Board of Medicine/Nursing.

 

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

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PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

Hard to believe a little over a week ago I was feeling so much better that I was contemplating another taper in the near future. How quickly things change. Glad I wrote it down or I wouldn't have remembered. Anxiety and akathesia have come back to plague me. At least I have proof that I did feel better so I can hang on to the thought that it will return.

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Katch   
Katch

sending huge hug Patricia. I'm struggling too  - and really don't remember last good day. 

xx

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Flowers   
Flowers

Hi Patricia

 

Sorry you are in a wave. Maybe it was the stress of having to deal with your pdoc that has triggered this.

 

It is just awful that the people that are supposed to be looking after our well being can do this to us.

 

I hope you get a good resolution and that things settle down.

 

Hugs from Flowers xxx

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PatriciaVP   
PatriciaVP

Hi Katch - {{{Hugs}}} right back. Sorry to hear you're not doing well, either. At least we know we are not alone.

 

Flowers - thanks so much for stopping by. Your support means so much.

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