success ☼ Rockingchaircat: recovery from psychotropic drugs that were prescribed willy nilly.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 383.

 

I've noticed that drinking some (any) kind of sweet juice- will leave me with a lassitude. But occasionally the additional anxiousness as well. Yet drinking a bit of watered down sweet juice- does not. Or, sweet juice with a clear water chaser, also does not....strange.

 

The addition of the Arginine- seems to be helping me get some more restful sleep. I awoke at 3:30 in the morning (a half hour before my slated get up time). Just another half hour, and I'll call THAT good.

The symptoms come, and yes, the symptoms go, they don't stick around for as long.  Nice.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 384.

 

Skin burn on the back of the arm day. It's been pretty much constant, with some flaring up then fading away- but all in all- constant. Both left and right. I'd almost say it's the Pepper Spray burn, but it's not as intense as it was. Some hyperosmia, the occasional twitch in the arm or leg when I'm falling asleep at night. A curious burning sensation or muscle pull in my right lower pelvic area- but it's never in the same spot, it migrates up or down. The occasional fart that smells like carrion. 

I think I figured out what was causing some of my sugar jitters: High Fructose Corn Syrup. A sweetener- a fake sugar that manufacturers LOVE to use instead of Real sugar when it comes to some fruit juices. It's cheaper than real sugar = more profit for them. And harder on my body at least.  Humans can use Glucose with no problem (unless you're diabetic), but Fructose, requires it be processed through the liver first before it's usable by the body. About the only critter I know of that can digest glucose and fructose equally well is the Hummingbird.  Imagine that.

I've been drinking a lemonade made with real sugar, and I am getting a bit of lassitude after drinking it- it's no where near as bad.

[Vigor]

Hey Rockingchaircat,

 

I have been lurking your thread for awhile. Love your attitude and sense of humor in regards to your situation. I think that is really helping your healing. Just wanted to pop in and say hi.

 

And yea high fructose corn syrup is in everything. I think most of the problems we have today in regards to immune diseases and cancer are linked a lot to additives in food. This is stuff that did not exist 100 years ago, and we are wondering why so many people are sick today. 

[Rockingchaircat]

Thanks Vigor. And I agree with you.  High Fructose Corn Syrup- is made by bacteria. But even with all of the steps taken to create it- it's still cheaper than Real Sugar.  Profits.

 

Day 385.

I had fun today. I took my daughter out to see a Movie both of us were wanting to see: Star Trek- Beyond. It was fun, and IMHO a return to the kind of Star Trek I enjoyed. It's nice to watch a Star Trek without a whole bunch of Lens Flares.

 

The usual today. Skin burn here and there.  A few bits of anxiety. I seem to have an overactive bladder again. My daughter- who previously couldn't have sat through a movie without a half dozen trips to the bathroom, lasted longer than I could sitting in the movie theater.  And I had myself some fish and chips before the movie with salty fries. Sheesh.

 

I seem to be having a fatigue happening along about the same time every day- Between noon and one. I just plow through it.

 

Oh, and I overslept this morning. No price to pay for it. Clear urine in the bowl. I'm not pissing protein. I was a bit cranky, but I got over it. I've been having to watch the attitude, compensate for it. And not allow myself to get worked up into a rage. 

This withdrawal angers me. All of this pain and for what? A corporations' profit margins.

And it continues to be inflicted on others.

I'm on other boards. Attempting to give folks the news about what really happens with antidepressants. But at times I feel like what Ignaz Semmelweis must've felt like.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 386.

 

I'm a bit manic today. It could be any one of a dozen different reasons. It could be that things are improving. I don't know. But it did take a while to calm down to meditate today.  At least half an hour. so it could be a dopamine overload. Woops! As I type this I just had some skin burn start up in the back of my arms- both of them.  Such is one of the more persistent symptoms.  Aaaannnnnnd they're gone....

 

Hmph.   Wowzers.

 

I've been cranky in the morning the last couple of mornings. But, like an adult- I have to suppress it or channel it. Speaking of which- some household chores are waiting.  It was cold last night. But not that bone chilling coldness I got when my core temperature was fluctuating wildly during the last two years.

Even six months ago I couldn't have sat through a regular Star Trek episode, ah hell, I was having problems reading the novels- because of folks getting hurt. And now? I just saw one of the most destructive (in lives) of Star Trek movies. 

 

Yet I still have empathy for real human beings, not fictional characters.

[AliG]

Hi Rock. Just checking in on you to see how you're going. You seem to be making progress and those cortisol spikes seem to be waning in number and frequency. That is a nice progression in the recovery, and must give you lots of hope for the same with some of your other symptoms in the future. I think you are doing really well.  I hope it keeps up for you.

Ali

[Rockingchaircat]

Hi Rock. Just checking in on you to see how you're going. You seem to be making progress and those cortisol spikes seem to be waning in number and frequency. That is a nice progression in the recovery, and must give you lots of hope for the same with some of your other symptoms in the future. I think you are doing really well.  I hope it keeps up for you.

Ali

Thanks AliG, and yes it does give me hope. And yes I agree- I am doing well. It's a lot easier to laugh now, and with the laughter it makes the challenges that come easier to bear.

 

And I hope that things get better for you as well.  

 

Day 387. 

I think I got woken  up by a Cortisol spike this morning- but since it was around 3:30 instead of another ungodly time it wasn't so bad, and I managed to doze within a few minutes of waking up.   Today has been off and on with the symptoms, mostly it's been headaches along with the occasional anxiety attack- of which they've been a bit more long lasting than usual. But even they give way. Part of my hyperness of late may be due to the sheer enjoyment I've been having engaging in some Troll baiting on the internet- someone bashes me, I give back in kind.  It's like playing chess with a pigeon.

But like debating with any other kind of fanatic- you just gotta out stubborn them.  One of those 'antidepressants' can't be THAT bad to get off of....folks. Someone who hasn't ever been on one, but is highly doubtful of what we go through.

 

Ah well, I won't change his mind (?), but I'm having fun...

The problem is it leaves me all wired up.  With the inevitable downturn being the fatigue and anxiety for a bit.  I'm getting a handle on it.

When I meditate and end up napping- I've got little to no problems with myoclonic jerks.  But if I lay down to go to sleep- I've been getting them. The usual litany. It comes and goes. Last night was a bit of the wake up after an hour and have some restless leg urge for a bit.

I refuse to give in. I'm just that stubborn about it.  I WILL overcome this.  And someday it'll be a rarity.

 

Fight the Good Fight AliG!

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 388.

 

I ate too much turkey drumstick last night- result- I simply could NOT relax enough to do my evening meditation. And from then on, till now, pretty much my blood pressure was way too high as a result. I'd almost say I had a minor bit of food poisoning. As I had to take time off of work. It may be tied in with the semi-manic state I got to enjoy the last couple of days, I don't know. But even the last couple of days I'd been having a headache. in the morning and I'd been mildly nauseous for a couple of weeks in the morning. I'd cut out some of the morning pills in an effort to see if that was part of it- and that seemed to help. Maybe I'm overloading on some vitamin supplements.

 

Today had some characteristics of a nasty fatigue day, but I've never gotten over one so quickly. I went back to work to finish a MUST DO. And I'm feeling halfway decent now.  I still have an appetite, despite everything still feeling wonky. And in all of my nasty fatigue I never had my blood pressure fluctuate like it did today.  But I'm not feeling despair like I did with the nasty fatigue.

 

It could be that the waves are determined to get in some more licks.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 389.

I've been dealing with the aftereffects of that damnable Turkey Leg consumption.  I did manage to get some sleep last night (not enough as usual- what else is new?). But I had enough sleep to be able to function today. Morning nausea was at a low ebb. Anxiety's been flaring up and fading away like a slow wave/window.  A wee bit of depression hither and yon.  My appetite is almost back to plausible. I did have a slow down along about the time I'd lay down the previous day, but it was overcome without too much difficulty. And it's the current time for the mid-day lag time. But it's not that bad.  

I did about the only thing I can do in such a situation- kept busy.  

One particular piece of equipment (light aid) required some painting on it's exterior. I took care of that and ended up having to replace several of it's light bulbs. By an amazing coincidence I received 8 of those bulbs for that piece of equpment this very morning- GUESS how many bulbs needed replacing not too long ago?

 

Yeah.

[oops44]

By an amazing coincidence I received 8 of those bulbs for that piece of equpment this very morning- GUESS how many bulbs needed replacing not too long ago?

 

 

the nit noid event proctor of the universe works in mysterious ways :^)

 

i enjoy reading about your recovery and hope you continue to see improvement. for you sake obviously, not my reading enjoyment.

[Rockingchaircat]

 

By an amazing coincidence I received 8 of those bulbs for that piece of equpment this very morning- GUESS how many bulbs needed replacing not too long ago?

 

 

the nit noid event proctor of the universe works in mysterious ways :^)

 

i enjoy reading about your recovery and hope you continue to see improvement. for you sake obviously, not my reading enjoyment.

 

I appreciate it.  As do I.

 

Day 390.

I slept better last night. It was hot enough last night for the AC to NOT turn off in the middle of the night.  Thus it was cool in my bedroom all night. And for the first time in a long time- No need for a middle of the night call of nature. 

Hot today- Looking out the window- I see cats that I'd need to pick up off of the porch by using a buffet pasta fork.

The neurotransmitters are still in flux. I still get anxiety and skin burn. But it's been getting weird.  I think my being wired a couple of days ago was a sign that my Dopamine regulation is fluctuating. Goosepimples- are easier to get now when I think of certain things. From not having near enough for a long time to too much at times.  End result? I have to learn how to take it down a notch or two when it flares up. Otherwise I end up getting too wired and I can't sleep- which leads to fatigue and poor judgment- result- I get depressed. 

 

Too much depression- fatigue.  Which I have to stave off by trying to enjoy life too much...result- too much wiredness....Vicious Cycle?

 

This is the amazing thing- even when I feel good I have to be careful about it- and things keep changing, things that I need to keep an eye on. The anxiety comes and goes, as does the fatigue. As does the tinnitus, the myoclonic jerks, and occasional diarrhea. Along with memory problems, problem solving, skills...yada yada yada....

 

But looking back a year ago- I'm in a much better spot. I don't like to think it'll take another year to be done...but this is gonna take as long as it takes. 

But the days get better, I get to enjoy things more and more often, and mayhap some day I will get to enjoy chocolate and coffee again.....Aye, there's the rub.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 391.

 

Hot day. Last evening during meditation- i had a number of myoclonic jerks. Just out of nowhere- but that's the way they operate. I've got a temporary tolerance for sugar right now. It doesn't drive me into a tizzy. Which is good. But not something I care to abuse.

I never thought I'd get to the stage in life when I would appreciate watered down juice drinks. Real juice- not as intense. Thus it's easier to keep hydrated, while still maintaining a sense of taste.

Speaking of which- my hyperosmia seems to be at a low right now. I can still smell the god awful stuff like that charnel house on the way to work- but the Aromatherapy stuff I've got on my desk (Maple Sugar, M&M's chocolate) seem almost null-olfactory wise.  And of course the local sewage treatment plant reeks rather well in the middle of the night- Keep window closed and have a stuffy room. Open window- not so stuffy but smells like....

 

One nature call in the middle of the night. Clear urine. Almost enough sleep. Like always.

Minimal anxiety today. Hardly any skin burn.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 392

 

I slept well last night. I really didn't want to get out of bed, but I decided it was best to stick to the routine- I've no idea if it was a good idea or not. Some skin burn this morning, along with a slightly elevated blood pressure upon awakening. I could've pushed not going to the bathroom at night, but there's no need for doing such.

 

No anxiety, or, very little. When it does occur- it doesn't stick around for very long.

 

Just yesterday I commented on someone in France's depressing conclusion- that no one truly heals fully.  Well I have to agree, but that doesn't mean if it is true, that we all should give up even trying.

Honestly yes, I feel that these drugs/craps we've all been taking will have left their mark upon us all. And that as a result- I will bear some lifelong scars with me.

 

But then- that's the result of ANYTHING we do in life. Getting pregnant (for those who can), will carry a whole host of problems, including such things as stretchmarks. One loses one's 'youthful' body. Guess what- so does not getting pregnant....

 

Same as it goes. I will never be able to go running 5 miles in an hour. My spine and back operations have made that quite clear. But that doesn't mean I should give up trying to exercise. I can still walk/hobble. And I continue to take an evening walk.

There are some neighborhood cats who aren't running away when they see me now.

 

Will I still get anxiety and depressed now and then? For sure. But now I've got something to get me through the dark times- experience. Won't mean it'll be a cake walk, but I'm tougher as a result. After all, no one gets out of life, alive.

 

And I sure as hell won't be putting up with all of the anti-d's side effects. I keep a list of those on my phone in the notes pad to remind myself of why I got off of the crap.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 392.

 

I slept in an hour this morning. And I didn't pay for it.  

 

Now I'm scared.

 

Murphy- you know?

Ah well, come what may I'll deal with it.  I could've worked myself into a tizzy today, but avoided it. I could've eaten too much salt at the Mongolian Grill. But I didn't. Result- my blood pressure though higher than it should- is at a good level.  

Now if I can just dream without waking up with my heart pounding. It's not a cortisol spike per se, but it's a higher pounding than what I care for.   But all in all, it's an improvement.

 

Hot weekend.

[Marsha]

Your journal rockingchaircat is very encouraging to me. The way you describe your day to day goings on is helpful. I can't describe how, but I guess I can get insight from your descriptive, easy to identify with experience. Thank you.

[Rockingchaircat]

Your journal rockingchaircat is very encouraging to me. The way you describe your day to day goings on is helpful. I can't describe how, but I guess I can get insight from your descriptive, easy to identify with experience. Thank you.

You're quite welcome.

 

It's one thing to be on this journey alone- which is a sensation we all have. If I can give even a little bit of peace to another, then it's worth the effort. 

 

Day 393.

Monday, I guess I shouldn't have had that extra hour of sleep yesterday- my body SOOOOO wanted it again today as well. Like a lazy house cat (is there any other kind?) it wanted it again. I'm afraid my vacation time isn't for a while yet (several months) and I may have to put it off a couple of weeks even then.  Ah well.

Hot dusty day today, I drove north to Corvallis, did some work there. Drove out to Newport, and took care of some work there as well. I could've driven back to base, via the hot dry valley, or I could've driven back to base via the cool foggy coast.

Gee- what a hard decision. 

 

Those sandy and rocky beaches sure looked inviting enough to get into trouble playing hooky with. Another day perhaps.

Back to base- and observing dust devils.  Sure are a lot this year. 

Feelings? It's good. No skin burn in several days. Good feelings- maybe a wee bit of anxiety here and there.  Not much.  Still some waking up in the middle of the night with some higher than normal blood pressure. It's like my body is trying to catch up with the dreaming- by doing so intensely, which can be counter productive as it drives up anxiety.  Vicious circle. 

 

Naps are good. One thing about the heat- I HAVE to stay inside and take it easy. Darn. 

It's so much nicer- to just sit and enjoy a moment now and again. As opposed to just sit and try to endure the sensation of anxiety/depression for X number of hours.

I got the nausea again yesterday- while I was doing some yard work in the heat. Must be a coincidence, eh?

I spent a couple of hours longer than expected getting my daughter a phone upgrade. She seems to be rather taken with it.  I'm awaiting her inevitable download of Pokemon Go.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 394.

 

I had a couple of bouts of anxiety this morning. Along about an hour before getting up. I'd say about a 2-3 second minor flare, and then another about a half hour later. Both easily overcome, and I fell back asleep pretty quickly. Which is good.  Though I do still feel a bit of fatigue. This fatigue isn't the kind of fatigue that feels like I'm  dealing with the after effects of a depression- it feels more like I'm just about damned wore out from dealing with **** and that I need a chance to just kick back and relax and enjoy life- overdose on some Netflix and some cool weather. 

The problem being- that it's gonna be hot for at least another month. And if I get some time off I'm gonna want to go out and try to enjoy life. I can't afford much- what with all of the bills. But then I don't want all that much. Mayhap spend a night or two on the coast. But forget about such during the tourista season.

Give it time. 

I incorporated a heavier weight into my weight training for my left arm.  My right arm has been good, but my left elbow had been feeling inflamed to the point that I would swear it was tennis elbow. So during the workout I'd been giving it a rest and not pushing it. For the first time in a long while it doesn't hurt after putting a bit more weight than normal. Another good sign.  As having so much of my body being inflamed during the withdrawal has been a major pain.

It's nice to look into the mirror and not see my eyes all red.

Company Whiz Quiz this morning. I got called back from going to a site. Normally I don't drink anything prior, to avoid any unnecessary pit stops.

I'd just gone before departing- thus I didn't have much in me, so to get it over and done with I drank (eventually) a quart of lemonade. Even that took a bit to generate enough for the cuppa. I thought for sure that after all that- that I'd be pulling over every 5 minutes to take care of the necessities.

Nope. In fact even with all of the liquid I've swallowed today- my urine output has decreased. And  yes I'd been working out in the sun.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 395.

 

Sheesh. Lessons learned. I need to get my meditation done BEFORE getting online and getting all riled up. Otherwise I'm going to be getting into a dopamine overload and not being able to relax enough to meditate, and subsequently nap.  That, and eating probably too old meat. Result- Another bout of what I had 8 days ago.  But not as severe. It just meant that my blood pressure went up and stayed up, for most of the night, I did manage some sleep and I'm pretty much functioning normally now- but I'm a bit more tired than usual.  They myoclonic jerks have subsided for now, they're not the occasional twitch.

And I had a bit of anxiety attack this morning. I think it's mostly gone, but I've also had a number of good moods come flitting by.  Of course I've also been feeling like I've been cooped up, what with the damnable heat and all.  And the next 3 days the temperatures are supposed to be getting into the 100's F.(37C+).  

A bit of depressive and a bit out of sorts. The appetite comes and goes. 

But I have noticed that sugary drinks don't seem to quite so fast at making me sleepy afterwards. And the sleepy times aren't quite so intense. 

All in all- I just need to learn to manage my good times to maximise them.  It's easy to fall into the habit that everything is Just Fine, even though it's not.  But the good thing is: every time I'm feeling good- I'm feeling 'normal', and it's occurring more often.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 395.1

 

Oh yeah, yesterday- headache after drinking a quart of lemonade. All day long. Why the quart? Workplace had the inevitable Whiz Quiz, so naturally I had to drink a whole bunch just to 'barely get enough'. After, I thought I'd be pulling the rig over every 5 minutes to take care of business- nope. Nothing out of the ordinary. Other than the headache.

Eventually I decided I needed some salt, as I had a wee bit of salt craving. I grabbed some junk food (Fritos) small bag. (I know I know, but it was the only thing readily at hand).Within a minute- headache's gone.  Ate some more salty stuff at home- result? Pounding blood for most of the night -including the middle of the night. 

So yeah, now I know. Probable electrolyte loss due to sweating my butt off in the summer heat. I'm gonna have to stay on top of that.  It's been a couple of hours since the last entry- I'm feeling a bit better, if not a bit tired. I imagine I will be sleeping MUCH better tonight.

 

Oh yeah, skin burn. The last few days- near to non-existent. Nice.  

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 396

I wouldn't have noticed that today marks Month #13, if I wasn't contemplating my journey after meditating/napping. It's good to be able to forget.  Today was a bit stressful. Some planned maintenance had to be put on the back burner to take care of some emergency maintenance.

Minor flareups of the anxiety, usually taken care of by paying attention to it and letting myself do ..whatever it does when I do so. It comes and goes. Flares up a bit then peters out. Right now as I'm typing- I've got a small bit of skin burn on the back of my arms, which I didn't notice until I decided to take stock of my symptoms. And it's gone now.

I remember somebody posting a vid about windows and waves, and how our brains reset- something analogous to a Rubik's Cube. They've got Rubik's Cubes that have 3 cubes on a side, and as many as 12 on a side.  I'm thinking mine is more than that.

So yeah- flareups. But not debilitating. I'm still doing my job, and I can/did even laugh a few times today.  The myoclonic jerks have stepped back for a bit during the night. Other pains take it's place. And yes I did sleep better last night.

I look over at the sliding glass window and I notice the house cats outside, slowly oozing into the back deck floor boards.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 397

It's bloody freaking hot. A projected high of 107F/42C.   Heat just saps my energy and strength, always has.  It makes it difficult for me to sleep at night. I much prefer coolness. The Skin burn is at a low ebb. I may put off my evening bike ride to till tomorrow. I don't know how my housecats put up with it. But even they insist on sleeping outside in the shade.

Anxiety attacks/Depressive Attacks- they come and go. But they're still by far easier to deal with. After being outside all day, I'm inside in a fairly cool inside office. But it's almost as if my soul is still outside.

 

The wife's phone got bricked this morning. So I lent her mine.

[Rockingchaircat]

103 degree F. (40 C).

Last winter I often opined about the wonders of Summer, in that I could get out of the house more often.

 

Now it's a choice between going Stir Crazy and Heat Exhaustion.  My temperature regulation isn't the best at this time.

[SquirrellyGirl]

Yikes, your weather is as hot as ours in the Central Valley of CA!  That's just wrong for OR!  I long for winter and rain!  It really doesn't help our situation when you need to hole up in the house due to dramatic weather conditions.

 

SG

[Rockingchaircat]

Yikes, your weather is as hot as ours in the Central Valley of CA!  That's just wrong for OR!  I long for winter and rain!  It really doesn't help our situation when you need to hole up in the house due to dramatic weather conditions.

 

SG

I agree.

 

I long for rain now too. But I'll probably regret that desire.  Until then... And California is in dire need of plenty of rain.

Day 398.

Not quite as hot but close enough to....

 

Another day. Almost done, waiting for the wife to get off of work so I can take her to dinner. Yesterday she got off much earlier. Today is a Saturday so it could very well be that someone decided to dump a ton of work onto her.

I dozed off and on this morning. Feeling a bit down in the dumps.

 

I made a joke and heard my wife laugh. It made me feel good to hear her laugh. I like making her laugh.

 

I saw a cartoon today.  It was hilarious enough to make me laugh. Out loud laughing. Heart felt laughing. I've not done that without forcing it a bit for a long time.  This time, it was an honest laugh.  Man that's a good feeling. I will endeavor to allow such again in the future.

 

AliG is getting 8 - 10 hours of sleep a night. I'm so jealous.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 399

 

A bit of myoclonic jerks and a minor bit of restless leg last night.  The coolness did help with my sleep. Yeah it cooled off rather nicely last night. I dreamt of rain.

I didn't have much in the way of hunger over breakfast and ended up giving most of my food to my daughter (brekky out). Minor anxiety comes and goes still. Along about the end of breakfast, I developed some mild brain fog. It lasted for a couple of hours. Nowhere near as intense as it was months ago. Mostly I was tired from about 11 to about 2. I wanted to take a nap, but I don't want to get into the habit of such - work hours and all that.

My Lumosity scores are slowly creeping up.  The mental exercises do seem to help. 

I do wonder if my taking all of these aminos are really helping me. Or if I'm just robbing Peter to pay Paul- so to speak. Maybe, maybe not. I have noticed a significant improvement. And they don't make the symptoms go away completely like taking the antidepressant would've. 

Additionally, I'm curious as to whether or not my inclination to not take too much extra salt is causing these frequent bouts of nausea. The same nausea that goes away when I eat a salty food like corn chips. But if I eat too much salt- possibility of a Cortisol spike.

Oh yeah- cloudy urine this morning. I had an intense dream sequence just before- but not the kind that left me in fear like the C/S of before. It could be that it's mild c/s. Such nights are occurring less and less often now. Generally they occur about 1 to 2 times a week.

And eating legumes seems to help with that regard.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 400.

 

I awoke with a full blown Cortisol spike an hour and a half ago. The fear stayed flared up for a bit. I remember the dream that it inspired it- definitely a nightmare- at least at the end. BUT, I was able to doze a bit after. Which is something I 'normally' don't do after a C/S. 

So what caused it?  I don't know. It could've been any number of things- that extra bit of salt on the dinner. The break in routine yesterday. Not eating enough for breakfast. Feeling maudlin for a portion of the day. Not eating my mid morning banana. Recognizing the fact that I was getting worked into a Tizzy, and heading it off. It could be any one of the above, it could be a combination of it all.

Or it could be it's the 'natural' resetting of the brain.  As explained before- the brain resets itself over and over during this withdrawal. Resets like a Rubik's Cube.  After all, I did manage some extra sleep the last couple of days. Only time will tell if this is a flare up or a one off. Whatever it may turn out to be, I simply have to accept it and move on.  And I did get an unusual sequence- I woke up in the middle of the night with some toe twitches. Normally that happens when I fall asleep, then wake up. This occurred quite a bit later than usual. So  yeah. My biggest fear is that it's the symptoms coming back like a monster.

[Rockingchaircat]

I feel like I've been eating seaweed this morning. But the last time I did that was a couple of days ago.  Why would it start to taste like that when I belch, now?  My urine was a bit cloudy this morning, no big surprise there. I guess maybe I should've listened to my body's needs and went ahead and had the nap earlier.  Live and learn. Right now I'm tired. I really want to go and take a nap, but I can't I'm on the clock.

[Rockingchaircat]

Saturday Night- I took the wife to Olive Garden. Everything seemed to have some sort of Dairy Product on  or in it. I stuck to the garden salad, minestrone soup, and bread rolls.  Surely there wasn't much butter on the bread rolls? Perhaps there was- if so I felt it the next day. But not terribly so. I brought home a Zeppoli dessert (with raspberry sauce for dipping) and ate it as an early breakfast. Oh, I just checked- it's made with....Ricotta Cheese....  -heavy sigh-. Live and learn. That would explain my fatigue yesterday. And the Cortisol spike last night, perhaps. It's not like I'm intending to eat that stuff on a regular basis.

Today was excessive fatigue. It only cleared up after noon. If anything else I should be getting better over the next few days.

 

And I will NOT be eating such again.  The wife adored going to Olive Garden.  Though I questioned her decision to wear a black dress on such a hot day. But that's what she wanted. 

I say the aminos are helping. They don't prevent me from doing stupid stuff- but when I'm a good boy I seem to get by all right.

 

Perhaps next year this time I will be free of all of this crap? 

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 401.

I got some better sleep last night, though still with a bit of C/S.  But it was a big improvement. General aches and pains this morning- I broke down and took something: Pain Pills. I've not done that in a long while. My blood sugar still gets low now and again so I have to snack. 

The last couple of weeks I've been having flare ups of the guilt trip. My amygdala pulling up old memories in an effort to make me feel fear. The problem being- that I've been over these memories so many times that I seldom feel much for long. The mind resetting itself- is running out of options for causing me discomfort.  Soon will come the time it's run out of options, and I will be in a Window most of the time.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 402.

 

Definitely. I definitely got better sleep last night.  It's too easy to grump over the fact that I had a backsliding. So instead I'm trying to focus on the improvements.  

Improvements:

A) Nasty Fatigue. It used to be that I'd get it like clockwork every two weeks or so. Nowadays, I tend to get it if I'm not careful in what I eat.  And even then, it's not the 'knock down and drag me' affair that it used to be. It's more of the slow down and befuddled thinking. Occassionally I get the urge to take a nap. Best result to out maneuver this? Get up and go for a walk.

Knee Pain. Technically NOT a withdrawal symptom BUT, it's been a new problem since last October when I tore my Meniscus Ligament in my left knee.  I've been going on daily walks in the evening, and last night I realized that it'd been some time since it gave me much of a problem.

C) Skin burn. That's been a problem since my Benzo withdrawal. But I'm noticing fewer instances of it occurring of late. Oh I get some now and again, but I have to focus on it in order to perceive it.

D) Appetite. Strangely enough I've been getting an improvement on that as well. But not to the point of needing to loosen my belt. Instead it seems that my pants do tend to be a bit looser now. I can eat more than I did during the depths of the worst of my withdrawal. But I get satiated.

E) Sex. I get the urge now and again. With the wife's willingness to help out. As often as 1-2 times a week. Sometimes more, but that's not been too often.

F) Sleep. I get to nearly have enough sleep most nights. And with a slightly more often occurrence of feeling refreshed after. Though not enough- obviously. 

G) Energy. I still get fatigued with boredom. But with just a slight motivation I can get out and accomplish more around the house. 

H) Brain Fog. I still get it, but no where near as often.  And when it does, it doesn't last as long.

I) Crankiness. Quite the improvement. I'm much less inclined to fly off the handle. So much so that even the wife made mention of it, and complimented me on it. Maturity is a wonderful thing to achieve eh?

J) Mood Swings. Not nearly so pronounced.

K) Runny Nose. I'm not using paper tissues quite so often, even with all of the tilling of the soil in the Willamette Valley of late.

L) Allergies. I still get some (including the recent food reactions) but even so, they're no where near as bad as they were when I was on the damned pills.

M) Ear Worms. And the like. Auditory Hallucinations- tinnitus. I'm not getting tinnitus quite so often anymore, and I find that I can concentrate on it and make it fade away. I still get Ear Worms, but they usually only last a day or two at the most, until I get infected with another.

 

I could go on and on. But the point of the matter- even with my Depression doing what it can to lie to me, I have to count the fact that things are improving for me. And they will continue to improve. One day I will be able to enjoy a vacation again.

[Nicki1722]

What do you mean when you speak of ear worms? I also have numerous auditory changes throughout the days. Popping, crackling, tinnitus. Just curious.

[scallywag]

Ear worm = song repeating in your mind

[Nicki1722]

Oh! Thank you. Nope don't have that!

[Rockingchaircat]

Oh! Thank you. Nope don't have that!

Not yet you don't.  Hopefully never.

 

The Ear Worms I speak of- when I first started my original (Benzo) Withdrawal- I got to enjoy songs I'd never even heard before- repeating through my head. Too bad I'm tone deat- I could've copied the dang things. Eventually it became a smaller matter of known songs. And up until a couple of months ago they'd last for weeks. I think one song last for about a month and a half. Allanis Morrisette- All I really want. 

 

Oops.

 

Nowadays- I can usual go through the usual gamut of a day or two at most.

 

Day 403.

 

A bit cranky here and there. I think someone online is attempting to scam me with something. Really friendly- but what they offer sounds almost tailor made for what I desire.  Too close to what I desire.

 

Well anyways- all day no skin burn, until an hour ago when I got caught in the back spray of an insecticide.  Insecticide is essentially a Nerve Agent. So naturally my nerves have flared up a bit. But even so, it still comes and goes. Wait and see.  It's been the better part of a week without any skin burn. 

 

I drank some Goodbelly drink several hours ago. Normally when I drink some juice- it seems to bypass everything and goes straight to my bladder. This time- it seemed to take the scenic route. And I've noticed that my usual mid day fatigue is almost completely absent.

I think I'm on to something.

 

I've also done some research- Legumes. When I've been incorporating into my diet in my evening meal- seems to help with the decrease of my Cortisol Spikes at the god-awful hours of sleep.  Apparently the sugars that are in them (Legumes) not only cause flatulence for those unused to them but apparently they take a while to digest, long enough to help with the C/S.

 

 Well anyways- the sugars present in them?  Oligosaccharides.  What's so special about them?  Apparently in Human Breast Milk- it's the third most common component. And humans don't have the ability to digest it. But the residents of our gut- the bacteria in our gut- do.  And if they get that stuff- it makes them happier. And gut bacteria- when they're not happy, you're not happy. up to including anxiety, depression, mood swings...I dunno. It somehow sounds familiar. Any one else getting a sense of Deja Vu?

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 404.

 

I sometimes get the notion that an invisible force is determined to ruin whatever Windows I get.

Today I had to install a series of safety modifications on several pieces of equipment. The first one I'm working on, I discover that the circuit breaker that is designated for it- is mislabeled. I manage to discover that it was in fact still getting electricity despite....Yeah. I shorted my fingers to it.  

 

Ouch.

 

Oh, the safety modification?  A number of plastic shields placed strategically with the warning of: "High Voltage". The Irony is not lost upon me.

And I discover that in no few places, the Wasps are swarming something fierce. So I got to enjoy installing the modifications in a couple of places with wasps buzzing me, landing on me, and being royal pests.  Somehow I didn't get stung.

And I have no insecticide to deal with them properly.

 

A wee bit of skin burn this morning. Then I've been too busy to notice if I had it or not. That, and it's been freaking hot and hotter- I got to work out in the sun. It's supposed to be the last hot days- wait and see.

 

Hopefully this window will continue.  I've been keeping an eye on the crankiness, and the mania. It's too easy to get carried away.

[scallywag]

Yikes!  Glad you can see the humor in it.