success ☼ Rockingchaircat: recovery from psychotropic drugs that were prescribed willy nilly.

[Rockingchaircat]

Yikes!  Glad you can see the humor in it.

 

It's one of those tools that helps keep me going.

 

Day 405. 

I got to go to work today. Not my cup of tea- Overtime. But it needed to be done. Symptom wise- yeah I've been getting cranky- usually with other drivers.  But not getting road raged, I've just been letting it go.

 

No noticeable anxiety or depression. No cortisol spikes. I guess I'm in the middle of window.  I have had a few problems with cognition, forming thoughts into words; and some myoclonic jerks when falling asleep. But such is usually once or twice, then it's back to sleep. I got some restless leg last night, very mild.  And over within a couple of minutes.

 

I look forwards towards getting more sleep though. I really could use more of that at night. A lot more.

 

I will write my success story- once I can get a day like the one I had today- sans amino acids.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 406.

 

Today I ate chocolate. Not much. When it appeared that I'd forgotten to get a proper mid day meal, I grabbed some Theater - Caramel Corn bundle.  It wasn't until I'd opened it up, that I discovered it was a brand called Zebra. The black being the chocolate. So in desperation- I just gorged myself on it. Nothing yet in terms of problems. Though by gum I really should've had a proper meal. Caramel Corn just isn't that. 

 

Yeah, last night- 2 minutes of a slight anxiety attack. If even that- 2 minutes.  Urine was fine and my blood pressure was unaffected. Eating a meal just now seemed to induce something, but when I stop and contemplate my feelings I cannot feel any anxiety. Wait and see what happens with the bit of chocolate. It's been 5 hours.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 407.

 

Conclusion- I can't handle chocolate at this time. 3:00 a.m. A bit more of that same weird feeling I had the day before, and it's been off and on all day. The weird feeling came with a bit of nausea and fatigue. It flared up a bit a couple of times to a full blown anxiousness. And it disappeared several times, interspersed with a couple of giggle fits when I felt good. During my lunch break- I nodded off with a power nap for about 30 seconds. More or less- I've felt well since.

 

End result- I'm getting closer to being able to eat chocolate and dairy. But not anytime soon. Probably not on vacation at the end of October. But a couple more months of recovery should make for an interesting kick back time. Probably not this year, but more than likely next year I'll be sleeping like AliG is now: LOTS. 8-10 hours of restful sleep sounds so nice right now.

A new set of withdrawal symptoms- occasionally a bit of incontinence. Sitting- no problem, walking, no problem, lying down, no problem. Standing- problem. But it's not every day- some days I have to whiz like a race horse, other days every now and again. Race horse days- is when I get the incontinence. 

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 408.

I am most certainly NOT ready for chocolate.  Yesterday it was a constant getting anxious, and then calming down, over and over even till bed time and beyond. End result- I woke up at 1 in the morning and stared at the ceiling for hours. About the time I normally get up- THAT'S the time I start to drift off.  So, I allow it. I end up sleep/surfing for the next 4 hours. I manage to drag myself to work and I've been enjoying a headache and despair ever since.  

 

But stepping back from my whining; even the symptoms as nasty as they are- are still far lesser than they were before.  I'm still looking at this as a sign of hope. Many are the times I just want to give up and say FARK IT!  But I cannot, for things do get better. I just have to stick it out.

 

And besides, there are other sweets I can eat in the mean time.  Just not very often.

Oh, last night I even got to enjoy some skin burn in the wee hours.

This morning? Nothing. No skin burn whatsoever. Not Too Shabby.

I'm also looking at the Overactive Bladder as a sign of either another symptom of withdrawal- or more than likely a symptom of the Arginne. It's supposed to turn into Nitric Oxide in the blood- to allow the blood vessels to relax/dilate.  Apparently it's doing more for other muscles as well.

 

For a bit today I was romanticising the days of Anti-depressant usage. And then I had to remind myself of why I got off the damnable things in the first place.

I too will make it to the Success Stories.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 409.

 

It's been off and on anxiety attack, or some other discomfort. But like every other wave I just have to grin and bear it. Accept what's there and wait for things to get better. For some reason I got a wee bit grumpy today. The same equipment modification I did last week that I managed to short my fingers on, in the rather warm dry day? I got to do the exact same modification on another piece of equipment on the Oregon Coast, in the cold wet rain. Well at least I wasn't getting dehydrated this time around.  But I managed to not short myself to electricity this time.

 

There's always the threat of an attack by say, a giant space dragon. The kind that eats the sun once every 30 days. It's a nuisance, but what can you expect from reptiles? Did I mention that my nose is on fire? And that I have 15 wild badgers living in my trousers? I'm sorry would you prefer ferrets?

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 410.

 

Last night- decent night's sleep. This morning, no anxiety. At one point I'm feeling good, and then suddenly- like someone flipped a switch- I'm cranky. Bad mood, and despite my best efforts, I stay there. And I discover that some of my tools from my truck are missing- again. Mr. Borrower just can't seem to keep his hands to himself.

And a couple of hours ago, I discover that the fish lunch I had yesterday wasn't properly cooked. Wait and see, if he appreciates the same treatment.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 411

I managed to get some halfway better sleep last night. I did get some very minor aspect of restless leg: a couple of my toes twitched 2-3 times.  I did manage some early morning anxiety about 3:30 this morning, just before getting up. But once up it's been pretty much non-existent.  Morning wee- clear.

 

I'm in a much better mood today as opposed to yesterday- it seemed like then that life was choosing to pick on me. The newer neighbors got themselves a dog. I learned of this dog during my afternoon meditation- and during my nap. Luckily said dog (after an inquiry from the wife) the neighbor kept good enough care that I/we didn't hear a peep out of him all night.

Which is a welcome relief after the last neighbor dog owners- did nothing to keep their dog from barking all night, for night after night, after night, after night.  This saves me the cost of a Dog Silencer.

 

I drove into some valley fog today, and my brain just about folded itself. My eyes almost crossed trying to compensate for weird depth perception. I definitely had some trouble focusing on things.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 412.

Some skin burn flared up in the evening. I almost got a decent morning's sleep. I've been avoiding the stuff I'd like to eat, but am allergic to. I ate some peanut butter cookies  yesterday (2) then I remembered that me and nuts don't mix well, then I remembered that peanuts aren't nuts. Nothing seemed to have affected me badly.  A rather nice day, goofed off, got some stuff done, found a few items I though I'd lost when I was straightening up the garage.  I guess I didn't snack as much as I should've. I got brain fog while doing the garage, and felt much better upon eating dinner.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 413

 

Last night, no restless leg. One big myoclonic jerk before falling asleep.  Today- the usual- fatigue after eating. Brain fog now and again. And a deep/abiding desire to be done with the crap. Still hoping for the day when I can continue to sleep and feel refreshed for a change, on a more often basis.  Nice day though. 

Oh yeah, we had a bit of a cloudburst yesterday- one cat was not pleased with it, he was napping on the front lawn when it happened.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 414.

someday, I will sleep in and enjoy it.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 415

 

How is it that I can get used to sleeping in on a weekend and not feel rested after 'sleeping in', and yet the first work day after the weekend I'm dragging?  A bit depressive today. Housecats taking on Cougars.

[scallywag]

It's absolutely rotten but the sleep experts say it's not a good idea to sleep in on non-working days.

[Rockingchaircat]

It's absolutely rotten but the sleep experts say it's not a good idea to sleep in on non-working days.

I would agree.

 

BUT...

 

Workweek- I don't always get by with the sleep I do get, even doing as well as I do now on the aminos. The fully rested feeling I've gotten, but not nearly often enough. They're even fewer occurring than good/window days.  So even with the anxiety that I get for sleeping in, I often find myself with more energy on the days that I do.

 

Why do I get the notion that said experts are the kind that get to sleep in till the crack of noon?

 

Day 416

I had some restless leg last night, For about 15 minutes after my initial doze after going to bed. It would act like it always does.  The 'urge' to shift leg or toes would slowly yet overwhelmingly advance then drop off. Advance and retreat over and over. BUT, the urge was at a level it was easy to overcome and not indulge in. Well mostly. I also had no few opportunities to get rid of food I'd eaten in the last couple of days- well ahead of schedule. This morning I got rid of the previous day's lunch. 

It may be pertinent, it may not- but I've found that I slept better/deeper last night. STILL not enough, but deeper. 

 

Spearfishing isn't allowed in the aquarium, ....apparently.

[scallywag]

Yeah, if you work shifts or extended hours following that advice is difficult. Rather than sleeping in, could you maintain the same wake-up/rising time and nap in the afternoon? Naps don't work for or appeal to everyone. Lucky for me I love them!

[Nicki1722]

A couple questions since we have some similar experiences occurring. Do you know the mechanism of action as to why fatigue hits after eating and what can be done to avoid it? I'm simply not eating throughout the day because I never know if I'm going to get slapped in the face with it! Also, how was your energy level as you tapered? I'm really struggling with that right now. Is like trudging through mud all day, especially in the morning!

[Rockingchaircat]

A couple questions since we have some similar experiences occurring. Do you know the mechanism of action as to why fatigue hits after eating and what can be done to avoid it? I'm simply not eating throughout the day because I never know if I'm going to get slapped in the face with it! Also, how was your energy level as you tapered? I'm really struggling with that right now. Is like trudging through mud all day, especially in the morning!

 

Yeah, if you work shifts or extended hours following that advice is difficult. Rather than sleeping in, could you maintain the same wake-up/rising time and nap in the afternoon? Naps don't work for or appeal to everyone. Lucky for me I love them!

As near as I can tell it involves the "fight or flight" hormones that control anxiety or don't in our case during a taper or the subsequent withdrawal. Anxiety/fear- is always on. Thus we've got an overload of Adrenaline and Cortisol. Both of which ramp up our metabolism (in preparation for either a fight, or a run away). The problem being, we have a finite amount of both the adrenaline and cortisol. The fear is almost always on the on position, and invariably during the first while- on full tilt. And from what I understand the whole Cortisol Spikes are due to our royally screwed up Circadian Rhythms. It didn't matter when I tried to schedule my waking up, invariably- every single god- damned time I'd wake up an hour or two before it in panic mode.

During my taper and for pretty much a year, I had what I called "nasty fatigue days". About every week to week and a half, I'd get so much more tired than usual, that I'd end up having to call in sick to work, and just stare off into space for about a day or two. I catnapped for much of it for those days. The third day I'd drag myself to work and somehow forced myself to stay awake. I wasn't very productive at the time, but the boss was most accommodating. 

 

How did I get through it? Sheer-Force-of-Will. 

I simply made myself stay awake during the daylight hours, and when evening came, invariably I'd be able to sleep extraordinarily hard- for about the first 3-4 hours, and then the inevitable Cortisol Spikes would come back and disturb my sleep.  Sucks, big time.

 

Yeah I could maintain the same, which is what I've been doing for nearly my entire 2 years of this. Invariably I arise about 3:30/4 in the morning and try to get a nap in about late afternoon. I go to bed around 8:30 and maybe just maybe I might get the equivalent of about 6 hours of sleep, if I'm lucky.

 

 

Day 417.

I just wish I could be as sleepy at night as I am right now. Last night, most of it was spent staring at the ceiling. But when I did get some sleep, I wake up at 1:30 with the panic attack/cortisol surge and I'm tossing and turning until it's time to get up. 3 maybe 4 hours of sleep tops.

But I only had to answer the call of nature once during the night. And my incontinence problem seems to have gone away for now.

I don't know how but I've been able to stay awake doing my job. It's like I'm exhausted, but not.  In the afternoons, I've managed to get a nap in, and still manage a few minutes of meditation afterwards. The skin burn is minimal, almost nonexsistent. and the last few days I've had Dopamine surges with plenty of goose pimple feeling washing over me. My appetites improved, but then considering the way I've been getting rid of everything I eat - so quickly, that doesn't come as a big surprise.

Oh yeah, last night, I started to fall asleep, about 15 minutes before my scheduled get up time. That's Murphy for ya.

[AliG]

Hi R.C.   You talk about " sheer force of will ". That's what I did. Same as you. I knew it would recede/ dissipate given time. You're doing better. I got no sleep for close on 18 - 24 months.

At least you're getting some.

One tip. If after 20 mins in bed - you can't sleep, then get up. Don't stare at the ceiling.  I watched " Friends" reruns or hopped on the computer. At least I never stressed - but I wasn't working. That would be an added layer to the problem but not insurmountable.Obviously to your credit , you have been doing it.  

 

I think you're doing well and because of your consistency and commitment , you will get there. You're getting closer each day.

Wishing you the best,

Ali

[Rockingchaircat]

Hi R.C.   You talk about " sheer force of will ". That's what I did. Same as you. I knew it would recede/ dissipate given time. You're doing better. I got no sleep for close on 18 - 24 months.

At least you're getting some.

One tip. If after 20 mins in bed - you can't sleep, then get up. Don't stare at the ceiling.  I watched " Friends" reruns or hopped on the computer. At least I never stressed - but I wasn't working. That would be an added layer to the problem but not insurmountable.Obviously to your credit , you have been doing it.  

 

I think you're doing well and because of your consistency and commitment , you will get there. You're getting closer each day.

Wishing you the best,

Ali

Thanks, the fact that you're getting 8-10 hours of sleep now, is one thing that keeps me going. And you went cold turkey. Someday I too will be sleeping like that.

 

Day 418.

A bit better sleep last night. I'd say I had just enough sleep to feel rested for the day, but I still need to do some catching up for the rest of the week. It'd be nice to be able to get up after 20 minutes of staring, but such is part and parcel of my insomnia- worrying about the time. And NO cortisol spikes last night- that was a nice change of pace. The extra bit of beans I had with dinner seemed to have made a difference.  Black Beans with dinner really seems to do me the most good. And I only have a slightly elevated gas expulsion as a result.

Though I have done so, several times. Most of the time that I'm staring, I'm too dang exhausted to get up. I can flop around like a fish on a hook, but getting up? Forget it.

More force of will to do that.

Yesterday- I got home and sat on my bed to chill for a bit. After a couple of minutes I stretched out and lay down to relax some kinks in my back. I managed to fall asleep for a few minutes, all without a CPAP. My own snoring woke me up. But even with that nap, I still fell asleep during my subsequent meditation. And I woke up after an hour of night sleep with the low key restless leg. And only one trip to the can in the middle of the night- one hour before the usual get up time. That seems to be occurring more often now.

Who knows? Maybe in a month or three I'll be sleeping like AliG is now. 8-10 hours would be a welcome change of pace.

 

One of these days I'm gonna murder the Bugler,

One of these days they're gonna find him dead!

I'll amputate his Revelry,

and stamp upon it Heavily,

and then spend the rest of my life in bed!

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 419

Weird night- I got woken up at an hour and half after falling asleep, by a cortisol spike/nightmare.  After that- nothing. No C/S. No nightmares. But the cloudy urine sprang up anyways.  I did manage to get about an additional hour and a half to two hours additional sleep/doze this morning and as a result- I'm feeling more rested.  I think I could enjoy about another month or two of this. But we both know that's not gonna happen.

 

I've had some anxiety attacks occur today, they were very mild, and they were usually done and over, within 5 minutes. Which was followed by a bout of nausea, which dissipated within 5 minutes as well. A bit of headache now, and some fatigue- easily fought off.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 419 + 1.

 

No I'm not gonna go THERE.

 

Not quite as good a sleep as the previous, but I did manage some sleep. But for some unknown reason I've been cranky all morning. Yes I have had headaches in the morning- but that's been that way for the longest time, I generally don't let them get me down. Late breakfast? Possibly.  I was in annoyed mode long before: "I'll have the oatmeal with the blueberries. Do you want raisins or blueberries with that?"....

 

I guess I wasn't the only person in dire need of coffee.

 

Helped the wife with painting the outside of the house...

 

Libido? What's that?

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 421

I've been whizzing like a racehorse. Last night it was get up every hour and a half to take care of it, which didn't end up my getting a decent night's sleep. That, coupled with my inevitable nervousness about waking up on Monday Morning on time (which I've done for decades with little to NO problem) ended up me with a Cortisol spike at 3:10 a.m.  A very mild one, but nonetheless a cortisol spike.

 

It could be that all of this urinating has something to do with the anxiety. The whole 'fight or flight' thingy. Every time I feel fear- I have to wee. And it sure as heck seems like I've been generating weak urine a lot of late. Which makes sense if one has been whizzing a lot. It could be that the aminos have a diuretic effect, or not. Since my amino dosage has remained pretty much the same for a while. It could've been what I had for breakfast yesterday.

Sheesh.

All in all I really didn't want to get out of bed today. I'm glad I did though, I managed to get something working that's been on the fritz for far too long.  I am SO very much looking forward towards a vacation, even if I'm not fully healed. A couple of weeks (fairly) stress free would be a nice change of pace.

 

Even my fatigue feels different of late, every symptom feels different...but I'm not sure how to describe it.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 422.

 

A couple of hours ago, I ate some cole slaw with some fish and chips I picked up at a place in Newport called Fishtails. The cole slaw was covered in what I assumed was mayo. Upon retrospect- it was probably some creamy type sauce. As it stands now, about the only reaction I've gotten so far is a wee bit more tiredness than usual at this point in the day.  Honestly it's difficult to tell any difference from the usual at this point.  So if I don't get anything out of the "ordinary" then I'm going to call this a good spot. Why? Because it's another sign that I'm getting better.

 

A cop stopped a young man driving. When the cop talked to the young man, the young man was annoyed and wondering why he was pulled over. "Why'd you pull me over man! I wasn't doing anything, I wasn't speeding!".  The cop replied, "You didn't stop at that last stop sign." 

"I slowed enough to see that it was safe."

"That's not the point! You're supposed to stop and check before proceeding."

"There was nobody in the way, I don't see what the difference is!"

Whereupon the cop pulled out his night stick and started beating the young man over the head and asked the young man the following question: "Which do want me to do? Slow Down or Stop?!"

 

We don't get such a choice.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 423

 

I called the restaurant- yes the cole slaw is made with dairy.  Yet strangely enough I didn't have anywhere near a reaction as I expected. I fully expected to not get a decent night's sleep (yeah- but then I seldom get one anyways). About the only reaction I had was being a bit more tired than usual. And being a just a bit more crabby this morning. Last night- just one night time trip to the bathroom instead of five. Bladder full sensation is not anywhere near as pronounced as usual. So, all in all- a good sign in my opinion.  I did get a flare up of my skin burn, but that was due to someone on the Internet being Wrong. I wake up at 2 in the morning- but only out of habit, the C/S occurs a little after 3 in the morning now.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 424.

 

I ended up cooling my heels at the Doctor for about 2 hours. I finally got to see a P.A., and he was done within 5 minutes. Shot my plans for the afternoon/evening all to hell. The more i deal with medicos....

 

My blood pressure once i finally got in to see someone- 200/100. The pounding I get from that kind of BP is an almost daily occurrence. It dropped off significantly after I got out of the office. It's just so damnably frustrating to see folks who had appointment times after me get called in and they left before I got called in.  

 

I slept fairly well last night, and despite once again not wanting to go to work, I had a fairly good morning. It's good to have a song running in my head that I don't mind singing (to myself) again. The weather is starting to turn nice again, but first we have to put up with hot days for a couple more evenings.

I still got the 3 a.m. C/s but even it has reduced. 

All in all, many of the worst symptoms have reduced both in intensity and duration. But I'm just so danged tired of it all.  The withdrawal symptoms leap on us like a cat pounce, but they take forever (it seems) to go away.

[AliG]

All in all, many of the worst symptoms have reduced both in intensity and duration.

 

Yes. I know you're tired and fed up but look how far you have come !  Read what you just wrote.

Hang in there. It gets better.

Ali

[Rockingchaircat]

All in all, many of the worst symptoms have reduced both in intensity and duration.

 

Yes. I know you're tired and fed up but look how far you have come !  Read what you just wrote.

Hang in there. It gets better.

Ali

Thank  you AliG.

 

I will keep going. I've not gone this far by backsliding. I'm just griping.

 

Day 425. 

60 days since my one year mark of no antidepressant.

Last night- no Cortisol surges. Nice. Today- the occasional roadbump in my mind as I'm attempting to formulate a thought or speech. But even that is getting better, I'm able to keep speaking when I encounter them, and talk around it.  It's just persistent.  My Lumosity scores have improved. I've gotten several top 5 scores in the last week, and got top scores in at least 5 of my previous mental challenges. It's been awhile since I've made a consistent amount of typing errors. And for what it's worth- my libido is somewhat improved.

Life can still be a challenge, but I guess that's what life is eh?  I can all too easily get myself into a manic state. But now that I've got some experience in dealing with it...I can recognize the symptoms and work towards moving myself away from it.  Though that too is challenging. 

 

The symptoms come and go, flare up and die down, and they shift. This week some symptoms, others emerge and the first group fades. The nice times seem to be getting longer in duration.

 

Patience.  I must be patient. Today's the last (hopefully) just a bit too warm day for awhile. Rain is possible, cooler temperatures seem to be more conducive to restful sleep. And as always the aminos help me a lot. I've been much more productive at work. And I've completed training on two systems, and am working hard on completing a third. It's good to be able to accomplish things again.  Earn my keep.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 426

I got another Saturday to sleep in and not get Cortisol Spikes. I 'slept' (dozed actually) all of one extra hour. Roughly 3 - 20 minute blinks. I look up, see the clock, blink, and it's 20 minutes later...

The skin burn has flared up for a bit now and again. During lunch it felt like I had liquid heat applied to the back of my arms. But all in all, a damned fine day.

So far.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 427

Another morning of getting to sleep in without any anxiety attacks. Two in the same weekend, and a week after the previous one morning of same. Skin burn flared up around noonish, and I had a bit of brain fog after breakfast at the usual sunday morning place.  Brain training games were a bit of a challenge today. My body just wants to continue with a weekend. But I'm not due to go on vacation for another month.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 428.

A third night of one trip to the bathroom.  A third night of at least a four hour block of sleep in the first half. Nice.

The morning fog made it a bit of a challenge to drive today- for some reason foggy conditions make my brain/mind difficult to compensate for it. It's similar to an effect of feeling jet lagged/ ironically named- brain fog/disassociation. I feel it's another symptom that i can over come.

I'm beyond tired, my body wants several mornings of sleeping in and resting. I'm exhausted at a deep level.

[marie123]

Hello RC. I have been following your posts and can relate to your day-to-day issues even though I am still tapering. I have the same thing with foggy, cloudy, humid days with the jet lag/foggy feeling. Others have it also, it's a strange thing.

 

I understand you're off all your meds. Good for you.

[Rockingchaircat]

Hello RC. I have been following your posts and can relate to your day-to-day issues even though I am still tapering. I have the same thing with foggy, cloudy, humid days with the jet lag/foggy feeling. Others have it also, it's a strange thing.

 

I understand you're off all your meds. Good for you.

Thanks Marie123.

That's good to know (that I'm not the only one with such a problem.) Not so good that other folks have such a problem. I'd hate to be someone with a previously unknown symptom- that's NOT what I want to be when it comes to trend setting.

Yes I am off of the Anti-depressant meds, and I will NEVER go back onto them if I can help it!  Thanks.

 

Day 429. 

The window ended. I ended up having to go to the bathroom twice during the night, and the first 4 hours- i woke up a couple of times.  All in all I still managed a halfway decent sleep.  Though I sure as heck didn't want to come in to work. Even now at work I don't wanna...

Some more Cortisol spikes last night 2 hours before get up time. But it was much much more muted- and I did manage to fall asleep for a bit after. (2nd bathroom break at this time) other wise I'd have stayed in. No cloudiness though. In the first couple of hours- I went from mildly anxious, to depressed, to a bit fatigued. And then after doing some fixing- mildly amused. Like anything else I just have to stick it out, and just wait for things to end. Nowadays the wait is often in minutes instead of weeks.

My blood pressure the last few days has been rather high- I think it's another one of those symptoms. It too comes and goes.

Today, I finished an online electronics course through my place of employment- and passed. 3 blocks, numerous sub pages, and no small number of mashups in the course. They REALLY could've and should've had someone edit/beta test it before disseminating it. One frame had the speaker's voice end, and I could hear them panting for several seconds after.  Don't ask me why...

Final Test rolled around and my battle against sleepiness finally stopped. Sheesh.

[AliG]

Rock. You're getting sleep. This is so good and much better than I went through. Doing well ! 

[Rockingchaircat]

Rock. You're getting sleep. This is so good and much better than I went through. Doing well ! 

Thanks. It's easy to get bogged down in details.

 

Day 430.

No cortisol spikes last night. Two trips to the bathroom. The second at 2:30- which gave me an hour and a half to snooze- which I did, intermittently. Five and a half weeks until vacation. My best days of sleep were last Saturday and Sunday. Such does seem to be occurring just a bit more often. 

Today has been a bit of a gloomy day, dealing with a bit of depression, and yet strangely enough- hungry as well. Which is something I wouldn't call normal on a depression day. I've been so busy at work the last weeks that I'm seriously caught up on a lot of things, the result of which- I'm now in between tasks. Dealing with boredom can be a challenge as well. My body seems determined to purge itself of all of the food I've been eating. As if I'm being punished for something I'm eating, but I'm not sure what it is that it doesn't like.

Last night mine wife made herself some Chicken Parmigiana. It was heavily laden with such delicious smelling cheese. Something I simply cannot eat and get away with.  But is smelled Oh-So-Good. Life can be tantalizing at times.

Sleep yeah, but most times I feel like I'm not-quite-getting-enough-rest. Weekends help a bit, when I can sleep in without an anxiety attack. But of late, even when I do get them they don't seem to last very long.

 

The only thing to do- is keep on keeping on. And eventually it will better and stay that way more often.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 431

Something I ate, was in a hurry to exit this morning. I'd like to know what it was so I can avoid it in the future..  Goodness knows why my body didn't like it. My food options are limited. And I suspect the choices are getting narrower. As it seems that I simply cannot eat anything nowadays without some form of reaction.  I had to take some Imodium to keep my brains (what's left of them) in it's original location

Two trips to the bathroom last night, once at midnight, another at 2:30. And I dozed. I'm getting marginally better sleep, so why aren't I feeling better?

Last night before my bike ride- we got a nice thunderstorm near my house. It's been awhile since I've seen one near my house. It's not something I'd want to see every day though.

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 432

 

An ample meal with plenty of protein later...I'm starting to feel better. And an almost sufficient amount of sleep later, coupled with some judicious pigging out of some empty calories- and I'm only mildly brain fogged. I only misspelled about a dozen times on my typewritten reports.

But on the flip side I did manage to find no small number of items that I'd thought to be lost and gone forever.  It's been a nice and rainy cold day. With the weather due to get back up in the mid 80's by Monday. One thing that does seem to have helped: a Bottle of some pro-biotic juice drink. 

[Rockingchaircat]

Day 433

 

When I first got started getting off of the Benzos and eventually started getting off of the Antidepressant- I had a curious 'problem'. I had a salt craving like you wouldn't believe. Instead of a sweet tooth, I had a salt tooth. I could polish off an entire box of Saltine soda crackers in an afternoon, and not have it affect my blood pressure noticeably.

Now a days, I seem to have the opposite problem- no real desire for salt or salty foods. But I retain water something fierce. I can have rather severe diarrhea, yet my legs will swell up with edema still. I can drink a small bit of water and 'piss like a race horse' and be afraid of being incontinent. 

Today- all that is a bit milder now- not quite an 'overactive bladder' but almost.   Skin burn comes and goes, a wee bit of brain fog, I missed my banana this morning and it didn't seem to bother me too much. Weather wise it was foggy- but the brain fog wasn't anywhere near as severe. I dozed in a bit, but wasn't quite so desirous of staying in bed.

Today pseudo window.