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☼ Rockingchaircat: recovery from psychotropic drugs that were prescribed willy nilly.

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat

I miss the aspirin. I didn't take any last night due to the possibility of the Vitamin C working well. Result- Cortisol Spikes in the night. And I've had anxiety all morning. Sure it's at a low level. But it's been flaring up. On the upside- no restless leg for the last 2-3 nights.

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat
My Nightly Report for: 02/25/2016

1)      Light therapy- Nope. See below

2)      Supplements-Usual.+  Taurine caplet 500 mg..

3)      Exercise- garage gym..

4)      Diet-one egg, some toast and coffee. The usual for lunch and dinner.

5)      Meditation-Yes.

6)      Naps- Meditation time.

7)      Orgasm- As if!

8 )      Caffeine- Breakfast coffee, no sugar.

9)      Sleep Type- reduced- but still existent C/S.

10)   Day time stressors- Fatigue, depression. All day long anxiety attacks.

 

Yesterday was a bastard. 

Anxiety attacks all freaking day long. I'm thnking it's the cortisol spikes. Why? Because when the attacks come, it's hard to breathe because my blood pressure has gone up.  Which- by an amazing coincidence, is what I got after I took a Taurine caplet before bed.  Yeah, it didn't make me relax. On noes! It drove my blood pressure so freaking high that it made it damned difficult to get sleep because I felt like i was suffocating all night. And when it did finally subside- at 2:30 in the morn. Guess what? You guessed right- Cortisol Spikes! So- little sleep during the usual time I can get SOME rest, and then the sleep reducing C/S. Oh such joy. I went and took a baby aspirin, and it eventually kicked in. And it did take the worst of the C/S spikes away- but not entirely. There was still just enough left, to keep me from getting much sleep.

 

Yesterday afternoon- I had a doctor's appointment, the Doc wanted to see me after my last E.R. visit. In the waiting room, I'm hit with another anxiety attack,to the point where it became difficult to breathe. By the time the doc finally got to me it had subsided.  The doc listens to my spiel, and orders up blood work, (Fasting Lab). Which I decided that since I didn't get much in the way of sleep last night I may as well lounge around until it's time to go in for it.  Which I did and now I'm waiting for the egg sandwich that I had immediatly afterward to help me feel better (yeah right). I'm afraid that I'm at my lowest ebb right now.  Before showering to leave for the blood test- I cried. I've been doing a helluva lot of that of late. 

****.

Seven ******* Months off, and I simply cannot get a decent ******* night's sleep. I feel ike I've been 'this close' to being out of this crap- for months. Will this **** every ******* end!?

I just want to have my ******* life back!  Why is that too much to expect?

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Ali4   
Ali4

I take celexa too, it is a ******* nightmare, I had to reinstate after my idiot Doctor tapered me off over 4 weeks, been on it ten years, oh ya Ali you will be fine, you can just stop, YA ******* right, all hell broke out less then two weeks after stopping, trying too now stabilize and start over. Like you I just want my ******* life back.

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat

I hear ya Ali4.  That was a too rapid a withdrawal for you. 4 weeks? Sheesh!

 

My Nightly Report for: 02/26/2016
1)      Light therapy- Yes, including some evening.
2)      Supplements-Usual.+ Vitamin C, Fish Oil. B-12. And baby aspirin every 8 hours..
3)      Exercise- stationary bike.
4)      Diet-varigated.
5)      Meditation-Yes.
6)      Naps- Meditation time.
7)      Orgasm- surprisingly yes.
8 )      Caffeine- Breakfast coffee, no sugar.
9)      Sleep Type- reduced- but still existent C/S.
10)   Day time stressors- Fatigue, Difficulty breathing due to High Blood pressure/allergic reaction, depressive. Rain.
 
Fasting lab yesterday- that was a load of fun. But it was over and done with. The wife made me an egg sandwich along with some turkey pastrami, it or something triggered an allergic reaction- high blood pressure for a few hours. Then some more after dinner. I've been taking baby aspirin (one dose) about every 8 hours.  It seems to keep the worst of the anxiety away. Or the cortisol, take your pick. 
I did manage to get some fairly uninterrupted (by C/S) during the night. But I still wasn't allowed to  'sleep in'. Refreshed? Nope. Looking over the doctor's orders- in addition to the complete blood count, and Lipid panel- Comprehensive Metabolic Panel, and Thyroid panel. She also mentioned something about a biofeedback for relaxation. Supposedly to do with the cortisol. 
Was it only a month or so ago I was sleeping through a window?  Feeling refreshed with some get up and go?  I think it must've been a pipe dream. Because the only time I feel good nowadays is when I'm dreaming.

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Ali4   
Ali4

Can I ask about the aspirin and what it helps with?

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat

Can I ask about the aspirin and what it helps with?

Yeah sure.

The aspirin- seems to make the cortisol go away or significantly reduces it.  I take  a 81 mg tab every 8 hours. It takes it away for now at least.  The doc wanted me to reduce my cortisol level. Biofeedback was one way. Aspirin seems to work for me.

Excess cortisol- causes the thyroid hormones to drop. Which causes stress- and anxiety. Which elevates cortisol. 

Vicious cycle.

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Ali4   
Ali4

Makes sense, thank you for your response, hope your feeling well today. Ali.

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat
My Nightly Report for: 02/28/2016

1)      Light therapy- Yes.

2)      Supplements-Usual.+ Vitamin C, Fish Oil. B-complex. And baby aspirin every 8 hours..

3)      Exercise- stationary bike, and some real bike.

4)      Diet-varigated.

5)      Meditation-Yes.

6)      Naps- Meditation time.

7)      Orgasm- I wish..

8 )      Caffeine- Breakfast coffee, sugar.

9)      Sleep Type- slightly improved.

10)   Day time stressors- Fatigue, low level. Diarrhea.

Last night's sleep was a bit improved.  At first I had the restless leg again (oh joy). But eventually and inevitably it went away. The last couple of days- no anxiety attacks. No panic attacks. No cortisol spikes in the middle of the night. Which last night- led to an improved sleep. Nearly felt- refreshed this morning. But my dreams sabotaged me. The last major dream?  It involved me and some cop. The cop requested that I state into his microphone: You betrayed me cop! (I've no idea).But, I trusted the cop, and said it into his microphone- it woke me up complete with some cortisol skin burn. Whereupon- I get up and go grab another aspirin and swallow it. I manage to get about another 2.4 hours of sleep doze- including a moment or three where I'm feeling good. I'm not sure if that was a dream or not. A pleasant buzz. I managed sleep during the most restful part of the night. 

I have been feeling...fatigued- off and on. But- I rest a bit, maybe grab some pretzels, and within a bit- I'm feeling ok.

And during the shopping today- I felt a most  unusual sensation.  I'm going to go out onto a limb here- it felt..."halfway decent". Something like that.  Surely my imagination.

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat
My Nightly Report for: 02/29/2016

1)      Light therapy- Yes.

2)      Supplements-Usual.+ Vitamin C, Fish Oil. B-complex. And baby aspirin every 8 hours..

3)      Exercise- home gym.

4)      Diet-varigated.

5)      Meditation-Yes.

6)      Naps- Meditation time.

7)      Orgasm- not even in my dreams.

8 )      Caffeine- Breakfast coffee, sugar.

9)      Sleep Type-  improved.

10)   Day time stressors- Fatigue, low level. 

Day 4 of Aspirin Therapy for Cortisol Spikes. Adrenaline Fatigue, or Hypo/Hyperthyroidism. I got some more sleep last night. Yes I'm still waking up in the middle of the night, often. BUT, most importantly- I'm getting the restful sleep in the final hours. I ...almost...get the C/S in the night. I held off taking the 4 a.m. aspirin in an effort to see if the body is getting the point (breaking the vicious cycle). It's about 2.5 hours since getting up. I've been feeling a hint of skin burn, but only just. I've got a bottle of aspirin for just in case. I've still got a bit of salt craving- but it's improving. No anxiety yet, But I shall wait and see what happens. On Tumblr someone reposted an entry that I'd made over a year ago about these almost same problems. Oh goodness how I wish I could've given my younger self the advice I needed then.

A baby aspirin does a far greater amount of good for me than any freaking benzo. And the withdrawal isn't as bad.  We took the daughter shopping, at the store I chose to stay in the car due to the fatigue. It was raining and it was a good nap. I've been doing a few more naps of late. Goodness I could use some of those extra days off I had around the holidays.   Well some vacation time during April. I should improve before long.

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat

Feb. 29, 2016- Addendum.

 

Around 8 in the morning- the anxiety had started to return. It was at that point I caved and took another aspirin. Now, two and a half hours later, it's mostly taken care of. It's weird, with anxiety- I've got energy. Without it- I feel like I need to take a nap. With it- I'm ravenous, without it- I'm not hungry. With- sugar cookies sound great, out- nada.

 

I'm guessing it's the impatience that made me decide to see what it's like without the aspirin. Well, now I know. It was here: http://www.stronghealthtips.com/aspirinthat I got the notion concerning aspirin and cortisol. That study involved aspirin and it's effect upon cortisol for bodybuilders. I'm not so inclined to be focused on getting ripped, as I am about getting rid of this damned incessant fear. As its only 4 days on, I think I should wait for another week or so before checking in on my cortisol levels again. 

But even in the 4 days I've done it- I have noted some improvements.  

So- no aspirin- energy, but with fear. Aspirin, lower energy, but no fear. And my blood pressure is lower. I'm thinking that another sign that things are getting better- will be when I'm not craving salt anymore. If my intake this morning is any indicator- that's not gonna be soon. Wait and see.

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat
My Nightly Report for: 03/01/2016

1)      Light therapy- Yes.

2)      Supplements-Usual.+ Vitamin C, Fish Oil. B-complex. And baby aspirin skipped once, then reinstated.

3)      Exercise- bike, yard chores.

4)      Diet-ravenous at lunch, snacks, small dinner.

5)      Meditation-Yes.

6)      Naps- Maybe.

7)      Orgasm- 2-evening, morning..

8 )      Caffeine- Breakfast coffee, sugar.

9)      Sleep Type-  devolved.

10)   Day time stressors- Fatigue, low level. Anxiety attacks, fear.

That anxiety was tenacious. Even after taking the delayed, and the noon time- it held on. I took the evening meds (Omega-3,etc) 2 hours earlier than normal. Result- I woke up at 1:30 and got to enjoy some insomnia- with mounting nervousness. I took another aspirin at 2, and another at 4. Wake at 1:30, stare at the ceiling, obsess over noisy heat exchanger.and it's inevitable expense. Take aspirin at 2, wait for it to kick in. Slightly horny at 3, rub it out. Relax, maybe 5, 10 minutes of dozing- maybe. Give in to mounting undercurrent of C/S. for usual wake up before 4. 

So instead of a C/S spike after dreaming, my body punishes me with insomnia, during the most restful period. All because I wanted to see if I had improved any. Answer? Not only No!, but HELL NO! And  here's a reward for asking! I find myself a bit grumpy this morning for some reason. I can't imagine why.

Sleep, it's precious. And it seems to me that some inner self-destructive part of me is determined to insure that I don't get it.

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat
My Nightly Report for: 03/02/2016

1)      Light therapy- Yes.

2)      Supplements-Usual.+ Vitamin C, Fish Oil. B-complex. Magnesium tabs

3)      Exercise- walk, some gym..

4)      Diet-pecking.

5)      Meditation-Yes.

6)      Naps- Lots..

7)      Orgasm- Eh?..

8 )      Caffeine- A couple sips of tea.

9)      Sleep Type-  devolved.

10)   Day time stressors- Fatigue, low level.

 

WTF!? So, I do everything I can to insure that I can get past the one thirty in the morning stare at the ceiling for hours- and instead I wake up with heart pounding at eleven thirty in the morning. I take another aspirin at 12, and I try for some more sleep, I do get some- and I wake up at one and stare at  the ceiling....I keep getting the first stages of anxiety- the/that feeling just above my knees of unrest. So yesterday I'm dragging, not enough sleep and no cortisol to 'motivate' me. But for what it's worth my salt craving is at a low ebb. And I'm cold, I'm cold all of the freaking time. Except when I wake up with my heart pounding- instead the room is sweltering.

I get the feeling that the Doc got annoyed when I told her "No Benzos!" As that was probably her first memorized line.  No word back yet about my blood tests. She'll probably say the same thing as last- "Everything's fine". Now take some benzos...Benzos is what helped get me into this mess.

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat

I'm cold. I just cannot shake that. I'm at the computer wearing a thick jacket and fisherman's gloves. And I'm cold. Nothing I can eat will warm me up.  Rough guess- I'd say I've got hypothyroid.  My aspirin therapy guess- was that by knocking down the cortisol, my thyroid would 'naturally' kick in. Well, no such luck. In fact I'd say the cortisol INSISTS on fighting the aspirin at night so that I now wake up at earlier and earlier times. And I'm waiting for the doctor's office to give me a call back concerning my thyroid test. It's frustrating. I kinda guess what they're going to find: near normal = normal. 

So I wake up earlier, and then get slammed with insomnia. As opposed to just an anxiety attack.  Scylla or Charbydis. I'm noticing that my skin is drier more often now. And that rash on my right leg that comes and goes, has come and stayed. 

So, all in all. I'm guessing that I'm pretty much over- the antidepressant withdrawal, what I'm getting now- is the aftereffects  from all of the stress of dealing with the withdrawals. Which is to say- another way to mess up my life. 

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat

Treatment for one week with aspirin or salsalate decreased total T4, free T4 (salsalate only), total T3, free T3, and TSH.


Thus, this study confirms that aspirin, salsalate, and meclofenamate affect total and free thyroid hormone measurements.


http://thyroid.about.com/b/2004/01/15/can-ibuprofen-and-aspirin-affect-your-thyroid.htm


 


Oh big surprise there.


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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat

It's been nasty the last 36 hours.

I shouldn't have gone to work yesterday. When I drug myself home- my wife took my temperature: 95 degrees. I essentially fell asleep at 4:30 and stayed in bed until 6 this morning.  I took a melatonin (half tab (2.5 mcg)) per doc's orders, and didn't stare at the ceiling quite so much. Today was mostly drag and nap. My body temperature has been slowly rising.

I stopped the aspirin. It stopped the cortisol, but it made me feel like crap. I'm still panting while typing.

I finagled my Thyroid results- TSH and T4 are within range. But on the low side. No mention of T3 or Free T3, in other words the doc pulled another switcheroo. So  yeah, if it wasn't for the test results, they'd say I've got hypothyroid. But try convincing the doc of that.

This is the first truly nasty fatigue day I've had in months. And I didn't have such a salt craving since the last nasty fatigue.True I've had the lactose intolerance days but still.

 

Many are the times I read of someone having thyroid problems who have gotten off of an antidepressant. It's like the stuff masks it. If not causes it.  Well I've got a history of thyroid problems in my family. And I've had about 3-4 CT scans in the last 5 years.  (Iodine for contrast). Awfully big coincidence if you ask me. 

 

My blood pressure is either so high that I can't catch my breath or it's low that I can't catch my breath.

 

One good thing though- the heat exchanger is conking out but it's still mostly under warranty. Thus- it'll "ONLY" cost about 1200 dollars to fix. So much for savings. Again. But it could've been worse.  As the compressor is indeed wonking out. We recorded it on the wife's cell phone.  As it started playing nice again for the service tech. 

But I'm sure something else expensive will break soon to fill the gap.

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat
My Nightly Report for: 03/04/2016

1)      Light therapy- Yes.

2)      Supplements-Usual.+ Vitamin C, Fish Oil. B-complex. Magnesium tabs Vitamin D.

3)      Exercise- None..

4)      Diet-pecking.

5)      Meditation-no.

6)      Naps- Lots..

7)      Orgasm- Yes.

8 )      Caffeine- A couple sips of tea.

9)      Sleep Type-  devolved.

10)   Day time stressors- Fatigue, brain fog. frustration. 

Wednesday (yesterday) I napped most of the morning and a good part of the afternoon.  My body temperature continued to rise- it went to 97.7 before bed. But I had to make myself eat anything.  It was a nicely warm day, so I was able to get some walking in to try and wake myself up. We managed to finagle some medico time by getting my INR checked. It turned out be fine, despite all of the aspirin I'd been taking. And we managed to get the test results. My TSH is 1.85 uIU/ml. (Normal 0.40 to 4.6). Free T4 0.69 (Normal 0.61 to 1.27) (though some online sites say that 0.70 is the low normal). But nothing about a T3. We had to call in and request that such be added. Apparently they 'forgot' to add that. I'm thinking they were surprised that I even asked about it.

I've got so many of the thyroid problems. Maybe I'm just grasping at straws. But I want to keep my job and my house. It just seems like everything is determined to take that away from me.  How does one suddenly develop problems in breathing and blood pressure? Suddenly I cannot digest milk to the point of getting nasty fatigue? I've been off the benzo for over a year, and nearly 8 months off the antidepressant. And suddenly I develop new problems?

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat

My Nightly Report for: 03/06/2016

1)      Light therapy- Yes.

2)      Supplements-Usual.+ Vitamin C, Fish Oil. B-complex. Magnesium tabs Vitamin D.

3)      Exercise- yardwork.

4)      Diet-ravenous.

5)      Meditation-Yes

6)      Naps- during Meditation.

7)      Orgasm- No.

8 )      Caffeine- Eliminated

9)      Sleep Type-  improved.

10)   Day time stressors-fatigue.

The last few days have been interesting. I was dragging most of the day Friday the fourth. Not much sleep that night. Friday night- Saturday morning- At least 9+ hours of fairly uninterrupted sleep. No C/S. A couple of anxiety attacks, that I did the deep breathing to make them go away and I try not to dwell upon stressful situations or triggers. Last night I had a bit of insomnia so i got up and did some makework, until I went back to bed and slept pretty heavily. Last couple of nights- I've been having a build up of Restless Leg Energy- in both legs- that only seems to be activated upon a minimum of 15 minutes of late evening sleeping. Getting up and doing something seems to deplete most of it. As I type I can feel a bit of it in both legs. It's like it's charging up.

My salt starvation seems to have toned down something fierce. And my appetite has definitely increased. Both my energy levels and enthusiasm has as well. Yesterday I got done hauling some tree limbs that had piled up- to the local dump. And I dropped off some items to the local St. Vincent. 

I seem to have triggered a window. More on this as it develops.  Oh and coffee? I've eliminated ALL caffeine to help prevent a return of anxiety.

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat
My Nightly Report for: 03/07/2016

1)      Light therapy- Yes.

2)      Supplements-Usual.+ Vitamin C, Fish Oil. B-complex. Magnesium tabs Vitamin D.

3)      Exercise- home gym, yardwork.

4)      Diet-ravenous.

5)      Meditation-Yes

6)      Naps- during Meditation.and afternoon nap after lunch.

7)      Orgasm- No.

8 )      Caffeine- Eliminated

9)      Sleep Type-  improved.

10)   Day time stressors-fatigue. Argument with wife.

 

I got another C/S at 2:30 in the morning, and until I got up my body simply wouldn't relax. The legs? Last night- nada. Not even a surge. No Restless Leg. This morning- the fear energy in the legs. It could have been any one of bunch of things. That garlic water I put onto the concoction of meat at the Mongolian grill. The tiff I had with the missus before bed. The 50 ways you can die book I read before bed.  All that would've made more sense if I'd had the anxiety BEFORE midnight.  Nope- 2:30 in the morning. How does one unlearn the circadian clock? Even now I'm up. And I can feel the farking anxiety building up. I simply enjoyed the last couple of days.  But I guess it's time to start feeling bad again. But I'm not gonna give up. I'm drinking some chamomille tea to see if that helps any. Maybe it was the aspirin. Maybe it was the Melatonin. Maybe it was the Testosterone injection. 

But, getting to bed isn't a problem. Sleeping the earlier hours isn't the problem. It's the godawful C/S an hour or more before you wanna wake up that is the problem. Yesterday I awoke at 3:30. To feed the cats. Today I wake up at 2:30, C/S.  The circadian rhythm seems to be the key. I need to screw that up again?

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat
My Nightly Report for: 03/08/2016

1)      Light therapy- Yes.

2)      Supplements-Usual.+ Vitamin C, Fish Oil. B-complex. Magnesium tabs Vitamin D.

3)      Exercise- 10 minutes on stationary bike, short walk.

4)      Diet-ravenous, then nothing.

5)      Meditation-Yes

6)      Naps- during Meditation.and afternoon nap after lunch.

7)      Orgasm- yes.

8 )      Caffeine- Eliminated

9)      Sleep Type-  depleted

10)   Day time stressors-anxiety, C/S in the night.

 

Yesterday, was better than today. Even though I was obsessing about a lost Car Title. Wachovia Dealer Services says they sent me a title, but I'll be darned if I can find it. Now I need to get them to send me a Lien Release so I can get a new one ($77) so that I can sell that gas guzzler. But if they don't send it, I may simply torch it.

Last night the wife and I incorporated some massage in an effort to head off the Cortisol/Surge that hit me the previous night at 2:30. No such luck. I got hit with a C/S at 11:30. 12:30. 1:30. 2.30. I get up every time and sit on the toilet in an effort to calm down. I start feeling sleepy almost immediately everytime.  But upon going back to bed within a half hour... It's hard to remember that I'd had a decent night's sleep just a couple of mornings ago. I took an aspirin at bedtime. I didn't get the skin burning/heart pumping attacks, but I did get the awake alertness.  It was like a god damned cat that wants attention- it just won't freaking let up!  It just won't freaking quit!

Now? I'm tired.I have some skin burning going on. But my b/p isn't high. Yesterday I did have an elevated b/p, up until 12:30 in the afternoon. Then it fell. 

I'm gonna try another Melatonin, albeit a much smaller one. I'd prefer NO drugs, but I NEED to get some freaking rest!  I'm working full time and this stuff blows chunks!  8 months off the antidepressant, and 13 months off the benzo. WHY WON'T IT JUST LET ME SLEEP? Why does it have to try and wake me up early?

 

I know, I know, I just have to keep going. I have no choice. But it's hard, damnably hard right now. I am so freaking envious of those who made it. I want to be one of those.

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat

I was on Paxil and Wellbutrin for about a week or two each, back along July/August of 14. I think. I remember reading somewhere on this site about how if you've been on a SSRI for as little as 10 days it may as well be 10 years when it comes to W/D.

So- 1)Zoloft. 2)Escitalopram, 3) Citalopram, 4)Paxil a week or so, 5) Wellbutrin a week or so, 6) Reinstated Citalopram- Sep 2014 to July 2015. I apparently tapered too quickly off of that. Well what's done is done.

 

I took a nap on my lunch break- C/S. But for the last few hours- little to no anxiety. That may be due to my elimination of caffeine. I've also had several bouts of diarrhea today. I'm just fatigued at 8 months off.

The only direction I can go is forward. I just have to take it day by day, hour by hour if need be. I do find myself smiling spontaneously now and again. I don't know why. But I'll take it. Evenings. Generally things are ok during the evening. I don't know why- it may have something to do with the Warfarin I take usually around 4 in the evening. I'm thinking about delaying that dosage till later, just to see if it alters my C/S times.

 

I WANT something akin to normality. I WANT to be able to type a success story here.  I will do so. I just don't know when. AND I AM NOT I repeat NOT going to reinstate!  I can do this. I will do this. I must do this. 

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat
My Nightly Report for: 03/09/2016

1)      Light therapy- Yes.

2)      Supplements-Usual.+ Vitamin C, Fish Oil. B-complex. Magnesium tabs Vitamin D, Melatonin 0.25 Mg. (2)

3)      Exercise- Home Gym..

4)      Diet-ravenous, Intermittent.

5)      Meditation-Yes

6)      Naps- during Meditation.and afternoon nap after lunch.

7)      Orgasm- Meh.

8 )      Caffeine- Eliminated

9)      Sleep Type-  depleted

10)   Day time stressors-attempting to find needle in a haystack/car title paperwork.

On the plus side, the morning anxiety seems to have been reduced to a very low, if almost non-existent level. I should've gotten off of the morning coffee sooner. I did the first time around a year and a half ago, but all it did way back then was through me into a even deeper hole of depression at the time. I'm hoping that the reduction of day time anxiety will translate into (eventually) the elimination of the night time C/S. So far- no change. I got woken up at midnight (again) and about every hour afterwards too. I took a melatonin going to bed (0.25mg) and I'm not really sure if it got me to sleep or not. As I've been getting some sleep from 8 to around midnight anyways. I tried taking another at 2 in the morning to try and offset the spikes- no good whatsoever. Tonight I will (hopefully remember) to have some chamomile tea on hand in my bathroom for me to drink in preparation for tomorrow's midnight showing. I just picked up some zinc to take with the supplements. See what happens. Right now- I'm just damnably dog tired. I have to keep going. And I have to take a swing by the house as I forgot my cell phone.

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat

I saw the Doc yesterday. Appointment at 4, got to see her a little after 5. TSH, Free T4, and Free T3- all within normal range. So much for my thyroid hypothesis. I did manage to squeeze in a nap during one of my coffee breaks (irony), I awoke with no discernable C/S. But I got mildly anxious for about 20 minutes. Calmed with deep breathing.

It's human nature. We want to be off of this **** NOW. Patience is not a human attribute easily gained. Every day is a struggle.

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ChessieCat   
ChessieCat

Hi RockingchairCat,

 

"Calmed with deep breathing."

 

This something that I learned just over a year ago and have found it very useful.  Amazingly simple yet a powerful tool.  And I don't think it is just about the breathing and getting more oxygen but about focussing and calming.

 

"We want to be off of this **** NOW. Patience is not a human attribute easily gained."

 

Yep.  I know the feeling.  And patience, many of us are having no choice but to learn it.

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat

Thanks for the empathy ChessieCat.

 

My Nightly Report for: 03/10/2016
1)      Light therapy- Nope, I forgot.
2)      Supplements-Usual.+ Vitamin C, Fish Oil. B-complex. Magnesium tabs Vitamin D, Chamomile Tea.
3)      Exercise- Indoor Bike.
4)      Diet- Intermittent.
5)      Meditation-Yes
6)      Naps- during Meditation.
7)      Orgasm- Meh.
8 )      Caffeine- Eliminated
9)      Sleep Type-  half and half.
10)   Day time stressors- workplace boring.
 
Ok, last night I drank some chamomile tea before bed, and kept the rest in the bathroom for when I inevitably woke up after a C/S. I was rewarded with a C/S an hour after going to bed.  And more of them every one to two hours after. Nevertheless- I think I was able to relax enough to get at least 6 hours of sleep in total. But all things told- the elimination of the coffee seems to have done a wonder- my daytime anxiety has been reduced even more to almost nonexistent! YAY! Oh I still get some if I dwell on bad things too long, but it's easier to get rid of it.
The ACCEPTANCE phase. I'm starting to morph into that. Viktor Frankl, author of: Man's Search For Happiness- had a bit to say concerning it. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man%27s_Search_for_MeaningAnd this is from a man who survived the Auschwitz Death Camp. It's an uphill battle in the rain- but I'm still working on it.
The workplace- it's a low time, not much to do. But they've also been very patient with me and allowing me a whole bunch of slack. It still hurts to be excluded from things even though I know I'm not capable of them.
I've read here on SA and elsewhere that some feel that fluoride has something to do with our continuing problems. Blame all you want- but my drinking water and tap water is un-fluoridated.

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat

Sensitized. That's what I'm feeling right now. I've been feeling the fear of my C/S for so long that I've dreaded going to bed to sleep. Last night I chose to stop fighting it, and decided to just allow myself to face the C/S and accept them. Once they've happened, I I accept that they've happened. And then do what is necessary to relax enough to allow myself to sleep again. I'm still tired, but I'm still learning to deal with it. If I get the chance I allow myself a chance to take a nap. Which I do seem to get to do once in a while without a C/S- which is quite nice. 

And last night that's what I did. They were still there. But between the chamomile tea and my getting up. It's almost as if the C/S were ....lesser. Yes they're still coming, but, they seemed to pack less of a punch. Here is my entry from my Benzo recovery blog:

03/10/15

One month off. I'm still get intrusive thoughts and of late they've been flaring up. Instead of letting myself be drawn into the embarrassment cycle that they seem to inspire- I try instead to either A) Learn from these memories and recite how I'll not do so again. or b Learn enough to not be even more of an arse if such occurred in the future.

It's almost as if my subconscious is trying to sabotage my self esteem.  So instead of surrendering to it, I cope with it.

Slept well last night. Fatigue from DST makes a difference.

 

A year ago, I was a lot worse off. Yet- I survived that year. Acceptance is not surrendering- it's learning how to not let it affect me terribly.

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat
My Nightly Report for: 03/11/2016

1)      Light therapy- Short- I turned it off after noticing I was getting anxiety/excited.

2)      Supplements-Usual.+ Vitamin C, Fish Oil. B-complex. Magnesium tabs Vitamin D, Zinc, Niacimide, Chamomile Tea.

3)      Exercise- Home gym..

4)      Diet- Hungrier

5)      Meditation-Yes

6)      Naps- during Meditation. and elsewhen.

7)      Orgasm- Meh.

8 )      Caffeine- Eliminated

9)      Sleep Type-  Intermittent- yet no C/S.

10)   Day time stressors- the usual.

 

Thanks be to Chessie Cat.  I was perusing her posts and I ran across this: http://www.junior-anxiety-depression-exchange.org.uk/relax.html#HowToRecover Going through the audio- helped me to realize what I've been putting myself through: a lot of unnecessary anguish. I went ahead and listened to all four. And I have to admit that she seems to be correct. So I chose to stop trying to avoid my fears, and instead am now working on accepting them. I was/and still am apprehensive about the biggest thing to hit me: the Cortisol Spikes in the middle of the night. But I decided upon retiring- to simply accept the fact that I was going to be facing them and to learn to cope with them instead. What happened last night? They didn't show.

My sleep was still interrupted, a surprising panoply of aches and pains, and the first bout of restless leg in awhile. Last night I got a weird pain in my left calf about halfway up it's length. I put a back support pillow on my lower back that seemed to help a bit. And this morning it was a pain on my right hip. Can't win for losing.

I remembered to turn on my lightbox today, but quickly turned it off- I noticed I was getting all wired. It seemed to help tamp it down. And since I've noticed that I seem to be running the gamut of a good portion of my W/D symptoms- but in a much smaller amount. I've had- nausea, anxiety, dizziness, hunger, skin burn, and a couple others- but instead of trying to avoid them I try to accept them and allow myself to learn some more about how to cope with them.  

I noticed yesterday that I'd think about something- and it would cause me a flash of anxiety. Normally I'd try to avoid that thought. Instead I chose to try and face it. Strangely enough- every time, yesterday, last night, and this morning every time I did so- they evaporated away.

So no C/S last night- I slept a bit better this morning. But it's not a cure, and undoubtedly I will be having bad days again. But instead of trying to fight away the problems- I will instead be accepting them and learning to cope with them so that eventually I'll learn how to not let them affect me so terribly anymore. 

But- this was the second window that occurred within a week of the previous.

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AliG   
AliG

Do you feel you're in a window ?   Has anything else changed , apart from listening to the tapes?  Is CBT helping ?

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat

Do you feel you're in a window ?   Has anything else changed , apart from listening to the tapes?  Is CBT helping ?

Kind of. The cortisol spikes I expected to wake me up in the night- didn't occur last night. Which allowed me to sleep in extra. My appetite has improved. And I find myself not quite so fearful of facing the problems. As I encounter the "normal" anxiety episodes- instead of trying to avoid them, I try to face them in order to learn how to cope. CBT helping? Definitely. Mindfulness Meditation skills I've learned- helped me to learn to endure this.  All of the symptoms I went through this morning, and through the day lasted only in minutes, sometimes just seconds. 

 

Because ultimately- I will have to learn to live with this anxiety until it doesn't seem quite so important anymore. Fighting it- was making it stronger.

Which is what I've been stumbling about attempting to do- I just wasn't doing it 'correctly'. So yeah- the aspirin therapy did work- kinda. But it caused me more problems as a result.

 

Which reminds me of a scene from the movie: The Shadow- in which the title character had to learn how to deal with a demon/knife called the Phurba. Instead of fighting it he learned how to accept it.

 

Window? Kind of- No cortisol spikes in my sleep or reduced of same is good.  It may end tomorrow, it may endure for months. I don't know. But when it does end- I will deal with it. Because I know that eventually it will segue into another window.

 

I fully intend to go back and drink coffee and the like- but not for a while. This change has given me an opportunity to do things differently- better.  and by better- I mean- not pushing myself to my limits just because I'm feeling good right now.

I guess the best analogy is- my knee with it's torn ligament- or my back after it's been thrown out. I know enough to know that after either has flared up- that I should go easy on them for a few days afterward- because the pain might have gone, the damage that caused the pain hasn't fully healed.

The same with the anxiety. I have to be patient and be careful with myself- time will heal, but I have to give it time.

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat
My Nightly Report for: 03/12/2016

1)      Light therapy- Avoided.

2)      Supplements-Usual.+ Vitamin C, Fish Oil. B-complex. Magnesium tabs Vitamin D, Zinc, Niacimide, Chamomile Tea.

3)      Exercise- Inside Bike.

4)      Diet- Hungrier

5)      Meditation-Yes

6)      Naps- during Meditation. and elsewhen.

7)      Orgasm- Yep.

8 )      Caffeine- Eliminated

9)      Sleep Type-  Intermittent- yet no C/S.

10)   Day time stressors- the usual. Friend of the family Cancer check - not good.

 

Second night- no C/S. And on a weekend morning no less.  :D . I think I've managed to find something that helps with it. Anxiety? oh hell yeah- still there. I still get it- but instead of trying to fight it off- I allow it to happen. So that I can learn to cope with it. After all- strength does not come from an easy life, you have to be weak and work out before you become strong. Now my emotional resiliency is getting a workout- and it's paying dividends. About half of my anxious thoughts are of the small kind. They're fairly easily dealt with. But I'm still getting the major concerns- such as who will help take care of my special needs child after we're gone. (Assuming she lives that long). Those definitely give me a surge of anxiety. But once again- I don't fight them. I allow them to surge and face them. I've noticed that in my core they're powerful enough to do an almost 'tickle'. So, I've been channeling such to allow myself, many times force myself, to giggle over them.  Now that, throws it for a loop.

Yeah, laughter does indeed make anxiety more difficult to continue. First surge- do the giggle- usually enough to eliminate it. The more persistent ones usually are taken down by a second round- rarely a third.

Sleeping in was nice. I did get a bit of a C/S this morning, but it was after I heard a kitty scratching at my bedroom door, and then I enjoyed the sound of rain upon my bedroom skylight and fell back asleep.

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat
My Nightly Report for: 03/13/2016

1)      Light therapy- Avoided.

2)      Supplements-Usual.+ Vitamin C, Fish Oil. B-complex. Magnesium tabs Vitamin D, Zinc, Niacinimide, Chamomile Tea.

3)      Exercise- House Chores

4)      Diet- Varied.

5)      Meditation-Yes

6)      Naps- during Meditation.

7)      Orgasm- Nope.

8 )      Caffeine- Eliminated

9)      Sleep Type-  Improved- yet no C/S.

10)   Day time stressors- Family Friend Cancer- not good news. Cognition and Memory lapses.

 

Last night's sleep was definitively improved. I awoke only 2-3 times. And I've come closest to feeling refreshed. Yesterday, whilst running errands, I managed to 1)Leave the lights on on my truck while shopping (it still turned on). 2)Forgot to hang up my handicap placard before leaving the metered parking spot (no ticket). and 3) Locked my car keys in my truck. (I always leave a door key on my person for just this very problem), first time in a dog's age.  I use the games on Lumosity as a sort of gauge to determine how well my motor skills and memory is working. I've got a bit of a down inclination the last couple of days. It's almost as if whatever my brain used to keep me going has been removed because of the improved sleep- third night- no C/S. But as always- when the C/S comes back I'll accept it. I did get a bit of it- the usual wake up time. But even that was subdued. A few anxiety attacks yesterday morning- and only once or twice did I giggle. The salt craving continues to decline as well. I've little to no desire to go after salty foods right now.I'd say my Adrenals are also resting up. I've noticed that when I start to feel cranky- it's time to take it easy. Chill out, and accept things. 

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat

I've suspected Adrenal Fatigue.

http://www.curezone.org/forums/am.asp?i=1540485

 

Salt Craving, Excessive Thirst and Urination, behavior and memory problems, swelling (for me my lower legs and feet), sleep disturbances, and yes, allergies.

 

And since my thyroid levels are ok (a bit on the low side), I have to say that it's not that.

 

A couple of days ago my Doc wanted me to take a beta blocker (polypropolol or some such). I'm glad I did not. I read of other folks reactions to it. My Doc's advice?  Just use it once in a while. Funny- that's the almost the exact same wording used by her P.A. a couple of years ago for the Ativan.

I threw that crap away unused, which is what I should've done with the Ativan and the Xanax. 

 

Sheesh.

 

Pill pushers.

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Fresh   
Fresh

RCC , why do you have a handicapped parking placard?

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat

RCC , why do you have a handicapped parking placard?

Because of the disability- Disabled Veteran. It's painful for me to walk. Some times, more than others.

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Fresh   
Fresh

Where did that originate from , were you injured in service?

 

(Sorry if you've answered this somewhere , I couldn't find it)

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat

Where did that originate from , were you injured in service?

 

(Sorry if you've answered this somewhere , I couldn't find it)

Yes.  I'm not just a Vet with a disability. I'm also a Disabled Vet.  Disability from in service. 

From a young(ish) man who could run 5 miles in under an hour, to one with two back surgeries and unable to walk a block without pain.  Any wonder why I might have been targeted by the pill pushers for an Antidepressant?

 

A young man who thought he could lift that rather heavy piece of equipment without injury. I was wrong. Herniated disc, sciatic nerve, nearly court martialed until I demanded an MRI to prove that I wasn't malingering. My first taste of Medical Compassion Fatigue.

Getting out into the 'real' world I'd thought that civilian medicos would be better than the military version (last of the class types). Not quite.

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Rockingchaircat   
Rockingchaircat
My Nightly Report for: 03/14/2016

1)      Light therapy- Avoided.

2)      Supplements-Usual.+ Vitamin C, Fish Oil. B-complex. Magnesium tabs Vitamin D, Zinc, Niacinimide, Chamomile Tea.

3)      Exercise- House Chores. home gym.

4)      Diet- Varied.

5)      Meditation-Yes

6)      Naps- during Meditation and else.

7)      Orgasm- yes..

8 )      Caffeine- Eliminated

9)      Sleep Type-  Improved/

10)   Day time stressors-   Cognition and Memory lapses.

 

Well, a bit of C/S. Possibly when I was waking up from a morning nap. But I wasn't using my CPAP for that- so it's not a surprise. And just a hint of anxiety upon trying to wake up an hour early to get ready for work due to DST. Yesterday was productive yet relaxing. Annoying too- I decided to work on getting some yard waste collected up into the bin, and it was raining the entire time- up until I stopped then the sun came out..

I'm still eating pretzels for the salt content. But it appears to be tapering off. I'm not eating near as many.  The cold is still here, but it's easier to bear with. I'd much rather go back to bed right now. But I can't. I have to work for a living.  I so miss my coffee. Oh and I get to drive to a medical appointment 15 miles away from my house from my workplace.  Which means it's gonna be fun driving home afterwards, through rush hour traffic. More fun than a barrel full of dead monkeys.

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