Jump to content
Happy2Heal

☼ Happy2Heal: Hope I'm doing this right

Recommended Posts

AliG

Cat.  We are behind you. 

 

What do you need to know ? 

Share this post


Link to post
Happy2Heal

Cat.  We are behind you. 

 

What do you need to know ? 

I am so tired I forget, did I ask a question?

 

I keep trying to find someone who will let me sleep over night at their house one night, or someone that i trust to come and spend some time, during the day or night, here with me so i can feel safe and sleep

 

 

~~~~~~~~~

oh wait, you mean about the supplements you mentioned in your thread?

did you get any relief from insomnia for L - Arginine and/or ashwangda (spelling?)

 

I feel desperate enough to try something else but also reluctant at the same time, if there's any chance these could make things worse

Don't want to be going backwards!

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP

I'm sorry you are feeling so poorly right now. It seems it wasn't long ago you were feeling much better. Well, at least well enough to continue the taper. Having this hit so hard now must be a real blow. Sometimes I think windows make the waves feel even more intense.

 

I've been in a fairly intense wave for the past three weeks or so. Overwhelming anxiety, panic, stomach trouble and cog fog keeps me glued to the couch. My house is full of sweet treats, but I haven't wanted to touch them. I know there's something up when I don't want sweets. Even though I was doing OK less than a month ago, my withdrawal brain keeps trying to convince me that I have always been and always will be like this. I have to keep reminding myself what a liar it is.

 

Just don't forget that it did get better in the past and it will again soon for both of us. All the evidence points to this truth.

 

{{{Hugs}}}

Share this post


Link to post
Happy2Heal

thanks so much Patricia

yeh the stupid thing is that insomnia is the main symptom, most of the others are gone, so you'd think I'd be thrilled (and believe me, on one level, I AM thrilled, just too damn exhausted to express it)

 

being alone and not having many things to distract myself with is also a problem, I've done so much work with relaxation cds and all that, and now, I can't stand to turn them on because they bring me back to when things were so much worse, and I hate that feeling.

 

so i am running out of things to fill my time and occupy my mind as well. TV is a trigger more often than not so that's out and I can only read certain things (primarily things related to WD, of course :P )

 

I am trying to rest but I worry that too much rest in the day time will mean an even worse night.

 

 

so sorry to hear that you are in a wave now. Oh yes I totally get that, WD trying to convince you that things have always been this bad, instead of letting us remember the better days. WD is a big bad meanie!!

 

we'll get thru this though, we're tough ;-)

just gotta keep swimming, right?

Share this post


Link to post
Blondiee1915

Hi Cat,

Happy new year !

Stopping by to see how you are . I read your latest post and I am very sorry you are going thru this wave . Did you get a chance to get some little rest ? It is crazy how you have insomnia and I have such intense sleepiness maybe we can switch at times ?

I am trying to think of any natural remedies for sleeping . Have you heard of valerian root ? I've tried it a couple of times for anxiety. I am not sure it works for anxiety but maybe for sleep ?

Also, another thought - what about staying in a hotel for the night ? Would you feel comfortable getting sleep there or is it more of being with the person you can trust and knowing that you are safe when you are sleeping ?

Share this post


Link to post
chia1214

Hi catnapt - I see you are offline, hope you are either sleeping or getting some rest. I don't know your time zone. I am up later than normal but we had some guests come by so I am heading to bed shortly. I just wanted to share my research on blue blocking glasses. I'm copying an older post from my thread with that information. I found that some glasses do not block the blue light at all. Hope this is helpful.  -- Chia  

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I really think the glasses are worth a try. I have two types, from all my research. I purchased 3 types and tried them all, sent 1 back. The pair that got very good reviews is a simple, very inexpensive pair of safety glasses.

Here's the link: http://www.amazon.co...0?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Don't be deceived by how bright things look in these. They really do block the blue light. All of it.

 

I say that because I bought another pair that can go over my reading glasses and are darker. Much darker. Both block the blue light.

Here's that link: http://www.amazon.co...0?ie=UTF8&psc=1

 

I'm keeping both since sometimes I want the darker effect to wind down with. I use the brighter ones just after sundown when I still have things to do that I want to be able to see better. Then I switch to the darker ones as the night wears on or when I'm on the computer. I also installed the free FLUX software to cut down the blue light on the computer screen. That helps a little, but the glasses do the real job. The over the glasses style can be worn with or without glasses, what's good is they wrap around and don't let "stray" light in. Just to be safe that I don't get stray light in especially from my overhead sink light, which I really do need to be under at least some in the evening, I wear a baseball cap or sun visor, keeps that light from coming down into my eyes. My husband doesn't mind the dorky look,

 

Here's a pair that does NOT block the blue, even though it claims to. Sent them back, no problem getting a prompt refund. But here's that link so you don't try them. http://www.amazon.co...1134332-5333954

 

Sorry to sound like a walking advert, but since I've already done some research and am actually using mine, thought you might benefit. I really recommend giving them a try. Relatively inexpensive experiment."

Share this post


Link to post
chia1214

Another couple things from my own experience, which helps with my sleep: I run an aromatherapy diffuser at night, which uses water, sprays out a fine mist through the night with some drops of your choice of essential oils added to the water. While the diffuse is not a full fledged humidifier, it does moisturize the air just enough to counter the dryness which I think also aids my sleep,  I use a blended mix of oils purported to promote relaxation and restful sleep. The link to what I use is:

https://wyndmerenaturals.com/store/product.php?productid=134&cat=&page=1

 

For me it seems to work. Along with that I run a fan to circulate the air and the hum (white noise) seems to lull me to sleepiness too. So this combination is part of my current bedtime routine. My first year of intense WD I used a light box for 45 minutes at the same time every morning to experiment setting my circadian rhythm since I had read about others who had tried that with some success. I did get into a better sleep pattern trying that. I do not currently need to use the box.

 

Just another couple ideas to toss around. That's what we do here!  (((((((( Hugs! ))))))))   -- Chia

Share this post


Link to post
Happy2Heal

Hi Cat,

Happy new year !

Stopping by to see how you are . I read your latest post and I am very sorry you are going thru this wave . Did you get a chance to get some little rest ? It is crazy how you have insomnia and I have such intense sleepiness maybe we can switch at times ?

I am trying to think of any natural remedies for sleeping . Have you heard of valerian root ? I've tried it a couple of times for anxiety. I am not sure it works for anxiety but maybe for sleep ?

Also, another thought - what about staying in a hotel for the night ? Would you feel comfortable getting sleep there or is it more of being with the person you can trust and knowing that you are safe when you are sleeping ?

 

 

hey there, Happy New Year to you too!! I wasn't planning to be here for awhile but I can make an exception for exceptional people, ;-)

 

Yeh it's really individual, how these drugs affect us, eh?  I am sorry that reinstating the lexapro didn't work for you, it really seemed to be a bad drug all around for you, didn't it? I mean, you had bad side effects and WD from it, so I don't blame you one bit for wanting to try something else til you can get to a place where you're stable enough to decide what to do next.

It's a tough to know what to do, esp because these drugs affect us all differently, no one can predict exactly how it will go when you try one etc.

 

I am doing ok, there were a few things that happened that I prefer not to make public, that have changed things for me. Well, I can share one thing,  a good friend is a reiki master and she's sending me long distance reiki. I've had reiki in person in the past and it was wonderful. And I was a huge skeptic, so it didn't help due to me believing it would, that's for sure. Anyway, the reiki is helping me to relax more, and I think I am sleeping better when I do sleep, which seems to be longer as well (I purposely do not keep track, because that just sets me up for wishing it was more, etc. I have gotten to the place where I just accept that I will have some sleep disturbance, for who knows how long and I am ok with that. It's the only way to go, really. If I start to get upset about it, I remind myself that there are a lot worse things then not sleeping as much as I want, and that generally speaking, esp lately, I am not tired during the day, and can do most things that I need to do without a lot of difficulty. I do have some issues with focus/attention, but it seems to be more due to getting lost in my thoughts, than lack of sleep.

And it could be my age as well, I am going to be 61 and we get forgetful as we age. I used to worry that I had Alzheimers but I was screened for that and scored very high, so there's no real concern there, whew!!

 

oh I tried valerian root in the past and it did help with sleep and anxiety but the smell of it makes me gag, so I've not gotten any recently. I may consider trying it again at some point.  I am not sure why I didn't use it more than once, beyond the horrible smell of it- so it's in the back of my mind that I may have some other issue with it, maybe an allergic reaction, as I'm allergic to a lot of plants, esp those in certain plant families (ragweed and chamomile are in the same family, I believe, which is why, as much as I love the smell of chamomile, I can't drink tea made with it, etc)

 

if I'm not around, assume that things are going well, and I will be thinking of you all and sending calming, healing, happy thoughts your way

Share this post


Link to post
Happy2Heal

Hi catnapt - I see you are offline, hope you are either sleeping or getting some rest. I don't know your time zone. I am up later than normal but we had some guests come by so I am heading to bed shortly. I just wanted to share my research on blue blocking glasses. I'm copying an older post from my thread with that information. I found that some glasses do not block the blue light at all. Hope this is helpful.  -- Chia  

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I really think the glasses are worth a try. I have two types, from all my research. I purchased 3 types and tried them all, sent 1 back. The pair that got very good reviews is a simple, very inexpensive pair of safety glasses.

Here's the link: http://www.amazon.co...0?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Don't be deceived by how bright things look in these. They really do block the blue light. All of it.

 

I say that because I bought another pair that can go over my reading glasses and are darker. Much darker. Both block the blue light.

Here's that link: http://www.amazon.co...0?ie=UTF8&psc=1

 

I'm keeping both since sometimes I want the darker effect to wind down with. I use the brighter ones just after sundown when I still have things to do that I want to be able to see better. Then I switch to the darker ones as the night wears on or when I'm on the computer. I also installed the free FLUX software to cut down the blue light on the computer screen. That helps a little, but the glasses do the real job. The over the glasses style can be worn with or without glasses, what's good is they wrap around and don't let "stray" light in. Just to be safe that I don't get stray light in especially from my overhead sink light, which I really do need to be under at least some in the evening, I wear a baseball cap or sun visor, keeps that light from coming down into my eyes. My husband doesn't mind the dorky look,

 

Here's a pair that does NOT block the blue, even though it claims to. Sent them back, no problem getting a prompt refund. But here's that link so you don't try them. http://www.amazon.co...1134332-5333954

 

Sorry to sound like a walking advert, but since I've already done some research and am actually using mine, thought you might benefit. I really recommend giving them a try. Relatively inexpensive experiment."

thanks so much Chia for all your suggestions and ideas!

I ordered these already: https://www.walmart.com/ip/103215418

 

but if they don't work out, I've saved the links to the ones you mentioned and will give those a try instead. I have the Flux and I've been trying to dim the lights at night etc, and not sleep with the TV on. It's been hard for me as I've developed a fear of the dark which I do not recall every having before in my life (well maybe as a young child, I don't remember) In fact, at one point a few months ago, between the WD panic/dread/anxiety stuff and my PTSD, I was virtually afraid of everything. Thank goodness that has improved considerably and when I do have a "fear attack" as I call them, I am usually able to talk myself down from it. I do a LOT of positive self talk throughout the day, esp mornings.

Still have the pattern that from mid day on, the day gets better. Hey, if all I have is  few rough patches in the morning, I'm good with that!! soooo much better than the acute stuff.

 

I use some essential oils myself, as I used to make my own all natural cosmetics, lotions and soaps, etc. I find nag champa really soothes me. At times it can be a bit too sweet, though.

I use grapefruit EO for alertness during the day, as well as peppermint oil.

 

AliG gave me some good info on melatonin so I am going to try a tiny dose of that (0.25mgs) as research has shown that a lower dose is much more effective. I might even start a bit lower than 0.25 as I seem to be very sensitive to just about everything now.

 

so I've got some new tools, thank you so much! if you read my reply to Blondie above, you'll see that I've tried a few other things that are helping, as well as the biggest thing: ACCEPTANCE.

 

acceptance is not easy. It is much easier to get stuck on wanting wanting wanting things to be a certain way. I recall from a book based on Buddhist teachings learning that you can save yourself from a lot of grief and upset by just noticing how you can feel bad, not so much from the lack of having certain things, but from the wanting them. You don't judge the wanting/desire, you just label it and let it go. Or something like that, I read this book a long time ago Hahaha

 I should try to find that book again. If only I could recall the title LOL

 

 

thanks again for your suggestions, I'll be back at some point to update how things work out, but assume if I am not around that things are going well

In fact, WD is starting to fade into the background for me as well. :)  Now that I am mostly stable on the small reinstatement, I plan to stay at that tiny dose for some time til I'm feeling strong enough to resume the taper.

 

for those keeping track of symptoms, my only symptoms now are sleep disturbance, sometimes some issues with body temps but not too much, &  it seems more related to certain foods or emotions, could also be a bit of hormonal issues (I'm well into menopause but hot flashes can last for years, and as I lose wt, I think maybe estrogen that was stored in my fat is being released and causing some hot flashes)

the ringing in my ears is almost completely gone, that is so awesome!

most digestive issues are gone and those that remain are very minor. Guess that's about it.

 

Wishing you all a happy healthy New Year,

Share this post


Link to post
Happy2Heal

Quick update-

not much new, decided to switch to a single dose of liquid lexapro in the morning, to see if maybe I'll sleep better. Also because it's easier to just take one dose per day, hahahaha.

 

I don't feel a *whole* lot different, a bit uncomfortable today but Sunday is not my favorite day anyway.  A wavy day, I guess. My brain is working on healing something today, I suppose.  :)

 

overall, I feel pretty good most of the time. Not where I want to be, since I'm still on the damn stuff, but soooo much better than a few months ago.

I ordered some melatonin, should be getting that in a week or so and will try a tiny dose of that (0.25mgs or less!) as I read, for melatonin, less is more (seems to be that way with a lot of things)

Share this post


Link to post
Happy2Heal

update on some changes:

I switched to a single dose of 0.3 in the mornings instead of 0.15 twice a day, this is going ok, I did have some extra anxiety during the day that's been quite uncomfortable, walking would def help that but it's hard to get out and walk in the winter in New England (snow, ice, cold, and I have a tendency to fall)

 

I saw a psych nurse practitioner who has agreed to continue my *ahem*  2.5mg dose of lexapro.

 

she offered some suggestions for sleep: Holy Basil, valerian root, inositol and melatonin. I looked into all of these, I'd already decided to give a super low dose of melatonin a try,

and added valerian root too

 

Last night, I emptied out most of what was in the capsule of valerian and took that. I was already a bit sleepy and was laying on the sofa with the TV on.

I fell into a very fitful sleep, waking up often, and also had one bizarre and slightly disturbing dream

 

I don't think I'll try the valerian again :/

 

Then I dragged myself off to bed, fell asleep for about an  hour and have been awake since 3 am

I decided, what the heck? let's try a tiny dose of  melatonin, so I took a little less than 1/4 of a 1mg tablet that I put under my tongue.

 

It did not help me sleep but I  think it made those long long LONG freakin hours from 3 am til I got up more bearable.

 

 

Overall I am doing so much better than in October, but I am surely not close to where I want to be.

 

I laugh at myself for this, I am in such a better place, but I want MORE.

It's kind of like being so close to "normal" that I can taste it, but still being drawn back into those dark and scary places from time to time.

Those terrify me. The last time I went there, about a week ago, I had such intense SI that I didn't think I'd make it, I really didn't. I hate to admit this, I hate that I felt that way and I hate that this may scare those of you who follow my thread and may be thinking that things have been all going so well. OVERALL They have!! they truly have been going well.
BUT when the darkness hits, it's either far worse, or it connects with all the past darkness and I see no other way out than.......doing something dreadful.

It aslo scared me so much, I have not wanted to mention it.
I have never in my life been so overcome by feeling (almost "knowing") that d**th was the right thing for me (I am still terrified to even use the word and I am also trying not to trigger anyone else)


It was then that I realized that I have to, at a bare minimum, stay on the dose of lexapro I am on now, for at least 6 mos, if not longer

AND I also decided that, IF I get to that place again, I will seriously consider updosing  a bit, slowly

 

I can't leave my daughter, I can't leave my needy neurotic cat and my beloved silly rats.

I can't.

 

 

my pattern remains about the same, I am usually able to FALL asleep just fine, but never sleep long, and then sometimes am able to get in a few hours after the first early awakening. I hate nights but am trying to find a way to cozy up to them somehow, to make them more bearable.

 

I have a bit of anxiety in the morning. Much less if I have plans for the day, and usually the rest of the day goes ok, until er, mid afternoon, I guess, I have  a slump where I'm kind of irritable or anxious.

 

evenings are usually the best time for me. except now a bit of dread about the long boring wide awake night time creeps in to spoil that time, as much as I fight it off.

 

I am unsure about what it is that I should fight and what it is that I should accept.

 

do you fight the dark places or accept them?

do you force yourself to think positive, or what???

 

Share this post


Link to post
brassmonkey

Hi catnapt -- I'm sorry to hear that things are going so rough, I thought you had been doing pretty good lately.  It's only been a few days since you switched to once a day dosing.  Making a change like that counts as a dose change like a taper would.  It will take a couple more days for it to become steady state in your blood and then a couple of weeks for the symptoms to settle out.  If you can hang on then waiting it out would be the best thing to do.  Once things settle in we can look at a vary small updose if the symptoms are still really bad.

 

If you feel like you may actually act on the SI then make sure that you have support friends around or contact local help.  We want to keep you safe.

 

Have you read the thread on Dealing with Emotional Spirals?  It may be helpful.  

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

You're in a rough wave right now, but it will pass.

 

(((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

 

Brass

Share this post


Link to post
Happy2Heal

I guess part of the problem is that I don't really have anyone around

 

I am alone 95% of the time, and if it weren't for long conversations with Frogie on the phone (who lives like 3000 miles away) I don't know where I'd be

but we are both kind of in a rut and so are not bringing each other up (or down, either)

I've reached out to family but to no avail

 

friends are busy and don't understand.

 

I am having an extremely hard time finding any pleasure in anything I do.

 

surviving the worst symptoms, as bad as that was, I have a sense of pride about doing that

 

but getting thru each long LONG effing night and day, it feels like too much.

 

I get no pleasure out of anything, I don't even feel like I"m in my own body most of the time

 

I am sorry to be such a downer but this is where I am today

 

I pray that it will change

 

I was never, quite frankly, a very positive person. so maybe I do need some small amnt of drug just to function in life, I don't know

Share this post


Link to post
Happy2Heal

I can't even watch TV or listen to music, nothing, It all seems to make me feel worse

I feel like I am waiting to die.

I have a call into emergency services as the mental health center.

I am at my limit I think.

I am so so sorry.

 

I wanted to give you all hope and show that you that healing happens, and that it can even happen relatively quickly, but I am just a fraud and a failure

 

I have kept the distressing stuff to myself, not wanting to upset anyone and also to keep up the image of a positive person but I am not a positive person, I don't think I am anyway

Maybe I was as a child, wait, I remember now, I was actually considered to be quite happy, and not easily affected by things.....

Even when things were going horribly as a young adult, I always thought I'd get thru it just fine

 

so, no, this is not normal for me. but it feels so damn awful.

 

I don't know who I am any more and that scares me

I just get thru the days some how but I have very little to do that interests me and I just do other stuff to fill the time, but the time crawls so effin slow,

so slow

and the days are sooooooooooooo very long, when you are awake for at least 20 hrs out of every 24

 

I just want to lay down and go to sleep and wake up and be back to who I was before all this started.

 

oh to lay down and sleep and not wake up an hour or 90 mins later, that would be so awesome.

 

I did a lot of walking today, hoping that it would help me to be tired enough to sleep but I just feel cold, not tired. I keep trying to force myself to cry or feel some self pity, to FEEL anything at all, that would be good, that would make me feel real again

 

I am so sorry, I have let you all down, I didn't want to disappoint anyone, I wanted you to feel like there was hope and now I have ruined that

Share this post


Link to post
Junglechicken

You're NOT a fraud Cat, it's just that the healing isn't linear as we might expect.

 

Just really sorry that you're having a s**t time of it.

 

HUGS

 

JC

Xxxxx

Share this post


Link to post
Happy2Heal

thanks JC

I am waiting for the psych nurse to call me back

I feel very strange today, very odd and just disconnected from everything

 

It's scary

Share this post


Link to post
PatriciaVP

You're not a fraud or a failure. You're an incredible person who has been dumped in an awful place by a system that is clueless, cold and just plain stupid. Please give me a call when you've heard from your provider. I'm keeping my phone on and with me,

Share this post


Link to post
KarenB

Catnapt, you are in fact just like each of us here - no better and no worse.  Each w/d is horrendously hard, and because it varies so much any one of us can hit rock bottom.  It doesn't make you (or anyone) a failure.  In fact, as I read your last few posts, I see somebody who is using the info they have to continue to search for the next step.  You've reached out to the nurse, and to us.  You're communicating your pain.  Both those things indicate hopefulness (although you probably aren't feeling it so much, due to all the pain...)  But it's there.  There is always hope, and there is always the possibility of healing. 

 

Also as Brass said, please remember that moving from two to one dose per day will take some adjusting to.  That in itself will bring some improvement. 

 

What are you doing as you wait for the nurse to reply?  Can you make a comforting hot cup of tea/cocoa?  Wrap yourself in a snuggly blanket, maybe with your cat?  And picture inside you the real you, which is actually still there, strong and true and lovely.  As the w/d slowly but surely works its way out of your life, this real you is what will remain.  So try to really feel into that, picture it, write about it.  Because it's an important part of your reality.  W/d is not the only part.  I'm not meaning to deny or lessen the w/d at all - obviously it's there and it's awful. But just wanting you to at least see and hold some space for that real you inside there too. 

 

Much love and hugs,

Karen

Share this post


Link to post
Altostrata

catnapt, are you still taking magnesium? You can take small doses throughout the night, that might be calming.

 

How are your meditation skills? That's something that can keep you occupied throughout the night so you don't fall into worry. Some people get so calm, they sleep.

Share this post


Link to post
Happy2Heal

catnapt, are you still taking magnesium? You can take small doses throughout the night, that might be calming.

 

How are your meditation skills? That's something that can keep you occupied throughout the night so you don't fall into worry. Some people get so calm, they sleep.

 

 

hi Alto, I take magnesium twice a day, one in the morning and one at night, I have tried to take extra but get dehydrated and I think it makes my potassium go down..?

low potassium can put me into afib

I use meditation CDs constantly. I have 3 but none of them are long enough, I need something that will play continuously for HOURS as I literally spend hours and hours every night, and often many during the day as well, trying to distract and calm myself with these tapes or soothing music, but a voice talking is much more soothing to me, makes me feel less alone.

 

I cant watch tv much, it triggers bad thoughts. I try to watch a very few select shows (sit coms)

 

no one has called me back.

I am listening to a cd now and trying to get my brain to shut off, it's going a mile a minute.

I think it was a mistake to try the melatonin last night and the valerian yesterday afternoon

 

I pray this ends soon. it has to, right? things always change, this too shall pass

 

this too shall pass

I so desperately want to be with someone who knows and loves me, but no one ever answers the phone or calls me back (my identical twin sister, who claims she's been thru this before, herself, emailed me over a month ago saying I need the best care I can find, but will not respond to me when I try to reach her)

 

but that's ok. I can't seem to muster up any love for myself right now

My body is cold and it's often very cold lately

I feel like i've willed it to die and it's complying

 

i am so so sorry to be in this place and to be sharing it with you but i am scared and alone and don't know what else to do

 

i wish they would call me back, I did call to see if my message went thru.

I am afraid to go out at night, there will be black ice every where

the ER is not far from me but it's dark and icy and cold

Share this post


Link to post
Survivor1

Hi Catnapt,

 

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.  I know things can seem very bad at times and we have to try our best to survive.  I do not have any suggestions for improving your situation, but I pray that you soon come to a place of more healing.  Please hang in there, you are worth it.

 

All the best.

Share this post


Link to post
Blondiee1915

Hi Cat,

You are an awesome person . You are funny and encouraging and positive. I am thinking of you, it will be okay ❤️. You are so strong and this awful feeling will pass. Maybe some chamomile tea or try to play with your pets I know my dog always makes me feel so much better . I know you are sick of your meditation CDs but maybe give it a try again . Hang in there it will get better

Share this post


Link to post
Happy2Heal

they said the psych nurse left for the day

?

Share this post


Link to post
Happy2Heal

they are sending someone to my house, I had no idea they did that

 

I don't know what, if anything they can do, though, but maybe they can give me a ride to the hospital ER?

Share this post


Link to post
Blondiee1915

That's good Cat. It will be okay .

Share this post


Link to post
bubble

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing wih us. I'm also like you - putting up a brave front so I know how valuable, brave and strong it is to come from behind it. It doesn't make you in any way less strong and brave: on the contrary.

 

Please hang in there and keep us posted on what is happening. You are not alone with so many of us here thinking about you and sending you all the positive energy.

 

(You mentioned updosing a bit... I have no idea if it would help but still wanted to check how you feel about it).

 

Just keep yourself safe. This will pass. I promise.

 

Hugs

Share this post


Link to post
lillylou

Dont apologize for feeling this way, its perfectly okay to not be okay you've gone through a lot and sometimes bad days/weeks get the best of us. I understand about the lonliness, its an icky feeling. You have so many supporters in this thread! You're going to make it out of this, you will heal. let us know how it goes

Share this post


Link to post
Altostrata

catnapt, hang in there.
 
Why do you think magnesium causes your potassium to go down? Magnesium counters calcium, sodium counters potassium. What happens when you take magnesium?
 
You might be interested in this support group for afib http://www.afibbers.org/toboards.htmThey recommend taking magnesium and potassium supplements, but you should ask about verapamil.
 
What times of day do you take each of your drugs, and their dosages? Please keep daily notes about your symptoms, when you take your drugs and supplements, and their dosages.
 
Please put ALL your drugs and supplements in the Drug Interactions Checker https://www.drugs.com/drug_interactions.php(nz last did this for a different batch of drugs a year ago.)
 
Do you get any particular symptoms after you take verapamil? When was the last time your blood pressure was checked?
 
Did you change the timing of your Lexapro dose and your verapamil dose at the same time?

 

Is your Lexapro liquid past its expiration date?

 

The symptoms that you want to discuss with the psychiatric nurse are disturbed sleep and surges of anxiety, is that correct?

Share this post


Link to post
bubble

 

See how you find this video. I find it very soothing.

Share this post


Link to post
Happy2Heal

catnapt, hang in there.

 

Why do you think magnesium causes your potassium to go down? Magnesium counters calcium, sodium counters potassium. What happens when you take magnesium?

 

You might be interested in this support group for afib http://www.afibbers.org/toboards.htmThey recommend taking magnesium and potassium supplements, but you should ask about verapamil.

 

What times of day do you take each of your drugs, and their dosages? Please keep daily notes about your symptoms, when you take your drugs and supplements, and their dosages.

 

Please put ALL your drugs and supplements in the Drug Interactions Checker https://www.drugs.com/drug_interactions.php(nz last did this for a different batch of drugs a year ago.)

 

Do you get any particular symptoms after you take verapamil? When was the last time your blood pressure was checked?

 

Did you change the timing of your Lexapro dose and your verapamil dose at the same time?

 

Is your Lexapro liquid past its expiration date?

 

The symptoms that you want to discuss with the psychiatric nurse are disturbed sleep and surges of anxiety, is that correct?

 

hi Alto,

I am still holding on.

Very bad day yesterday, but no, not anxiety, it's more like extreme sudden depressed thinking/SI that goes from zero to SI in a heartbeat, from things seem bad to things are horribly bad, always have been and always will be, and I see no way out but the d word. That terrifies me, but I am not having panic attacks or increased anxiety overall, in fact, I am very calm and peaceful in my body, almost TOO calm, I get so cold and it seems I'm barely breathing, or moving around much- like I am waiting for the end to come.

It's the thoughts, the mental stuff, that is scary. I had an easier time dealing with the physical feelings of anxiety and panic, I could do things that would help

but when my mind slips into this horrifically dark place, I can't seem to pull myself back out.

 

I tried to yesterday but the things I did made me feel worse. I went to an exercise class where the instructor humiliated me in front of the class and then was extremely rude to me afterward; it's likely got something to do with me being friends with someone she has an issue with, stupid petty stuff but it was not a good experience for me, already in a dark place, to encounter that sort of petty nonsense.

 

I walked a lot but instead of tiring me out, I ended up leaving my body, I think, dissociating I guess?

 

the greatly disturbed sleep is what I was hoping to get help with. I am thinking it's time to try something for it. I am scared to try something and almost as scared NOT to, because of those drastic dips into that black place.

 

I was also thinking that if I got a "brake" such as a tiny dose of zyprexa, I would updose the lexapro at the same time, to try to counteract the expected increase in symptoms from the updose.

I do not think I have "depression" in the normal sense, I think this is WD stuff but I am not 100% sure, and having the drug history that I have, ESP with the HUGE dose of lexapro I was on in the beginning (40mgs) I am worried that I have damage that may not be fixed, or at least not fixed any time in the next few years.

I can't look at years of not sleeping, no. If I had a full life and social supports etc, maybe- but not with the empty life I have now. It's not sustainable.

 

************************************

regarding the magnesium, I was told on an afib forum that too much magnesium will tank your potassium, maybe I misread or misunderstood but I'm too tired/stressed to look into it now, and since anxiety is not the real issue, I don't feel I need to increase magnesium

 

I had no cortisol spike last night, although I slept for maybe a half hour at a time, between 10 pm and 1AM and have been wide awake since 1 am.

I did take a half of a mg of melatonin at 1 am

 

I took a 1/4 of a mg of melatonin yesterday at 3 am with no sleep resulting but I did seem to feel a bit less restless in bed.

Same thing essentially happened last night, I didnt' sleep, but I was able to just lay there and listen to muted music and my relaxation CD over and over and over again, poor things are totally worn out.

When I say I dont sleep, I am not kidding or exaggerating, I am sure I am wide awake and feel and experience every long agonizing minute all night long.

 

I do get close to falling asleep a few times, when the refrigerator compressor is on, it's very loud and soothing but  of course it does not run continuously, so when it shuts off, even with several other sources of white noise, the difference in the level of sound in my apt is obvious immediately, and it jolts me into a mild surge of mild anxiety that deep breathing quickly brings under control.

If the compressor would run continuously, I might actually fall asleep for a half hour or something

 

that Is what I think happens during the start of the night, I am on the sofa usually and I will fall asleep for about as long as the compressor runs, a half hour or so. It depends on the temp in the apt how often in comes on, in the summer, of course, it runs more often and longer. Now that its winter it doesn't need to run as much, I keep the temp pretty constant.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

this is my current dosing schedule (and no, the lexapro is not past it's date, its a new bottle)

 

I switched on 1/8 from taking 0.15mgs of lexapro at 7 am and 7 pm to taking a single 0.3 dose at 7 am, hoping that would help me to sleep

:/

 

I take biotin, chromium, a probiotic and one dose of mag taurate at 7 am with the lexapro

 

around 7 pm I take the second dose of mag taurate

 

I have gone from taking half a dose of verapamil to taking skipping doses, due to being cold and light headed, my blood pressure when checked a few weeks ago, was LOW and the verapamil is causing constipation.

I'm sorry I slacked off and have not kept good track of how often I take it, I go by my GI tract, if I'm 'regular' I will take a half a dose, if I'm 'backed up', I skip that day's dose

 

I don't know if, or how,  this might be affecting things but of course it's a possibility.

 

 

I take the vit D3 every other day as it's a fairly high dose, 3000 IUs and I was concerned about it being activating, but considering how low I go in those dark places, perhaps it's better to take this daily? I have no idea. I got a lot of sun yesterday and that clearly did not help me any. In fact, it is part of the reason for my deep dip, one of my fears is re- global climate change and the unseasonably warm temps we're having cause me brief episodes of panic and dread, and contribute to the feeling that things are getting bad and can't get better.

 

it is huge for me to admit that, but there it is, one of my biggest fears out in the open. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. I have no idea how to cope with some thing that huge and uncontrollable.

 

 

I hope I've answered all your questions.

 

I'm very much undecided about what to do, the crisis team ppl are coming back to see me today. Their goal is to help keep distressed ppl out of the ER, and since that is where I'd have ended up, they are doing just that.

I still have the option of going to the ER, they said.

 

they are also going to try to set me up with an earlier appt with the psych nurse that I saw on Tuesday (I looked and sounded so positive when i saw here, she said I could come back in a month)

 

In order to avoid being offered many drugs at my appt, I went in determined to show her that I was doing very well and only needed to continue on the lexapro, I downplayed my issues with sleep and made it seem like I was on top of it all.

I actually did think I was on top of it that day, but I hit a wall yesterday.

 

I am feeling a bit stunned today but not in the dark place right now. very thankful for that, but wary of doing anything that might put me back there.

 

thanks to EVERYONE for your comments and ideas, I am exhausted but will reply to you all when I can

 

I am deeply touched by your outpouring of support

Share this post


Link to post
scallywag

catnapt, your commitment to getting well is inspiring. Your thorough, detailed post above is especially impressive given the neuro-emotions and low energy you must be experiencing.  It's good to hear the that crisis team feels that you should be in charge of your own care -- you absolutely should be. 

 

I'm sorry you're stumbling through the dark right now. Know that lots of people are cheering you on your way out of it.

Share this post


Link to post
Flowers

Hello Catnapt

 

So sorry you are suffering so much.

 

 

It is lonely dealing with all this stuff but you are amongst friends here. We care about each other and understand that things will not always go to plan coming off these drugs.

 

Of course you would feel better if you could get some sleep. The nights are long without it!

 

Are you able to listen to audio books? Maybe it wouldn't be your thing. I ordered some from Amazon and listen to one when I am trying to get off to sleep. Sometimes I get absorbed in the book and drift off. It's probably like reading a child a bedtime story! lol!

 

Take care.

 

Love from Flowers xxx 

Share this post


Link to post
Happy2Heal

quick update, another person from the crisis team visited me this morning, she was absolutely wonderful but I realized that she had no new suggestions to offer me, and I opted to go the ER.

 

She was kind enough to drive me there and stayed with me for well over an hour.

with much back and forth between the mental health clinic, the crisis team and the doc I was assigned to, they agreed to give me 2.5mgs of oral zyprexa and just two doses.

 

I am to follow up with the psych nurse who is prescribing my lexapro now, but the earliest appt with her is for the 24th

They have me on the list for cancellations.

 

I am hopeful that I will get thru this and will not need to see her sooner. I just realized that the appt they gave me is actually the day I'm supposed to have  a physical, hmm, I will have to sort that out

 

I dropped off the Rx and will have to go back to pick it up.

I am not going to lie, I am very scared of two things: one, that it will not help me sleep as it has in the past and two, it may make my WD symptoms worse

 

But I feel like I need to give it a shot.

 

anyone wishing to weigh in on this, is free to do so. I will of course make the final call. Please no dire warnings, anything that you can think of happening, I've already run thru my mind myself and don't need that reinforced, ok?

I can tell you that I have this much in my favor: this strategy has worked well for me in the past. It was a slightly higher dose (5mgs) and I was nowhere near in as bad shape as I am now, but it worked.

It also worked for my identical twin sister, although I don't know what dose she was given nor how long she was on it.

she was diagnosed with bipolar at the time (as I have been in the past as well, who knows if either of us are truly "bipolar"- I tend to believe it's been the drugs I've been given over the years, but I can't speak to what my sister may or may not have been on, etc)

 

 

anyway, that's where I am at now. I wanted you all to know so you wouldn't worry. I am doing what I need to do to stay alive, the rest will sort itself out in time.

I hope no one is too terribly disappointed in me.

 

The crisis team worker who spent so much time with me, told me I need to stop worrying about other ppl and take care of myself first.

on a gut level I know this is true but it's not an easy thing for me.

 

but like everything else, I am working on it!

I am still quite proud of all the work I've done so far.

this is just a bump in the road, I'll get thru it and come out the other side stronger, right?

:)

Share this post


Link to post
Happy2Heal

Hello Catnapt

 

So sorry you are suffering so much.

 

 

It is lonely dealing with all this stuff but you are amongst friends here. We care about each other and understand that things will not always go to plan coming off these drugs.

 

Of course you would feel better if you could get some sleep. The nights are long without it!

 

Are you able to listen to audio books? Maybe it wouldn't be your thing. I ordered some from Amazon and listen to one when I am trying to get off to sleep. Sometimes I get absorbed in the book and drift off. It's probably like reading a child a bedtime story! lol!

 

Take care.

 

Love from Flowers xxx 

 

ah yes I got some audio books for free from the Sr Center but they turned out to be romances, which I don't care for. I have very particular tastes in books music and tv, it's fair to say I don't care for most of it, rarely enjoy movies, etc.

 

it's too hard to even think of something I'd really like to be honest. I re read the books I have from time to time.

 

it will get better.

Share this post


Link to post
Happy2Heal

heh heh heh, I'm an idiot LOL I thought the 2.5 mgs of zyprexa was going to be a liquid, I saw "oral" and my tired brain thought that meant a liquid, no idea why I thought that

 

they are two tiny pills

 

now to decide if I take them or not, oh lord this weighs heavy on my mind.

I didn't used to agonize over stuff like this, and well, we see where that got me :/

 

now I'm nearly paralyzed with fear about what might happen.

this is a crappy way to live, ya know?

 

I'm sure most of us can relate to that.

They offered me a gingerale in the ER, and I freaked out, I can't drink that I said, I can't have any sugar, it'll mess me up but good

 

wow, I don't even recognize myself

Share this post


Link to post
Frogie

Just stopped by to give you

 

(((HUGS)))

 

And make sure you take care of yourself. Crispy and the baby rats need you.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.