success ☼ Happy2Heal: Hope I'm doing this right

[Littlegrandma]

Happy, 

so good to hear! Very happy for you that you are doing so well. It’s only up from here!! Good news 

xx lg

[Scorpio]

Hi Happy2Heal

 

thank you for your reply and such good news that you are continuing to do well. I am going through a really bad wave at the moment so to read your good news gives me hope for the future. 

[apace41]

2 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I hope everyone's recovery goes as well or better than mine as has. The start was rough, and probably due to my mistakes and rapid cuts, but it's only gotten better as time went on and I'm very grateful for that.

 

H2H,

 

Considering you have a 40+ year psych med history, the fact that you are doing so well and continue to see improvements is, frankly, spectacular!

 

Keep taking it slow and easy and keep us posted as things continue to get better.

 

Very inspirational.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[brassmonkey]

Very excellent update H2H.  I'm so glad you're being able to handle things so well. I have to agree that hitting "0" was a big "nonevent".

 

Brass

[Happy2Heal]

On 11/29/2017 at 9:34 AM, apace41 said:

Considering you have a 40+ year psych med history, the fact that you are doing so well and continue to see improvements is, frankly, spectacular!

 

 

thanks Andy and everyone else as well for your continued good wishes and support.

 

I think about this sometimes, Andy, that  long psych med history - and am so very grateful that I've been done so well.  Those 40+ years were also full of rapid med switches and cold turkeys, plus doses going up and down and things added and removed....

My poor brain, it's no wonder I ended up in and out of hospital, I'm  100% sure now, that it was due to the drugs and not some "mental illness"

whatever issues I had in the past, I am reluctant to label. There were some that arose out of youth, ignornance and inexperience, others that came from a  very chaotic and abuse filled childhood and early adulthood. and being poor never helped anything, either

 

 

I wouldn't say that I am grateful for this awful experience of withdrawal and recovery, I'm not. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
BUT I do have to admit that it forced me out of my comfort zone and facilitated some much needed growth, so it wasn't all bad. 

I credit myself and doing the work for that growth; I still believe and will always believe that the drugging and over drugging that was done to me (and so many of us) bordered on criminal, if not frankly criminal. It needs to end. But enough about that, I want to have a good day!

 

 

I am going to make a separate post with my thoughts and advice about diet and symptoms... so that they'll be easier for me to find later on.

 

 

 

 

  

[Happy2Heal]

 

a few notes on diet and symptoms of increased anxiety, dread, and early morning cortisol spikes (in other words, signs of stress but not necessarily withdrawal or recovery)

I have gone back and forth about this, how much of a role does diet play in recovery and overall health, esp "mental health"

 

we know that a good diet is crucial for good overall health and I think that holds true for mental/emotional and brain health as well.

 

there were times during recovery that it really did not seem to matter what I ate, I had symptoms. They would wax and wane according to the windows and waves pattern that we're all familiar with, and nothing I ingested, or did not ingest, as far as supplements and foods, seemed to make much difference.

I had a clear intolerance for some foods and things like caffeine, but overall, my diet only sometimes seemed to make a difference in the level of symptoms

 

now that I am totally UNdrugged, I am having a different experience. My diet does seem to have clear effect on things like mood, anxiety level, etc.

 

I've had some days with fairly broken sleep recently and chalked it up to lack of exercise.

So I increased my exercise but did not change my diet.

My sleep did not improve.

 

I am thinking that the increase in the amount of sugar that I've been eating lately may be the culprit instead. I've read that simple carbs and sugary foods (we get a lot of free sweets, like cookies, pie, etc at the Sr Center) that those things are what may be causing the increase in anxiety and sleep issues.

I have woken up at 4 am with a massive cortisol spike the last two nights

 

I am going to change my diet back to when I ate almost no sugar and see if things go back to normal. I do clearly recall that not eating sugar or bread, crackers etc, had a good effect in the past so I'm going to try that again

 

I have read in several places that eating high carb foods or anything that spikes your blood sugar can cause anxiety, sweating and other uncomfortable symptoms.

They also increase inflammation in your body, which is not good at all, for any part of your body, or brain.

 

so, it's time to get with the program again LOL
I will report back on how it goes

 

 

[Miko789]

Hi  H2H,

good to hear you are doing well,

Patience is key to recovery and you have it.

what did you mean over drugging from docs was criminal?

 

Good recovery,

Miko

[Zharul]

did you get haldol injection ?

[Happy2Heal]

On 12/3/2017 at 2:38 PM, Miko789 said:

Hi  H2H,

good to hear you are doing well,

Patience is key to recovery and you have it.

what did you mean over drugging from docs was criminal?

 

Good recovery,

Miko

hi Miko

I was given a lot of medication that I did not need, starting when I was 18 yrs old and given an anti psychotic drug when my diagnosis was "adjustment reaction" and NOT any kind of psychosis.

it just continued on from there, being given multiple meds that didn't help anything and only caused side effects. Many of the side effects were then misdiagnosed as new illnesses, and then new meds were added to treat those.

 

I feel it is criminal to give someone a drug for an illness they do not have, not to mention that these drugs do not do what they are marketed as doing. They cause brain dysfunction where there is none. They are rarely effective but cause a great deal of damage.

 

that is what I meant, I hope that helps

[Happy2Heal]

On 12/3/2017 at 9:16 PM, Zharul said:

did you get haldol injection ?

hi Zharul, 
I was forced to take haldol in the hospital years ago, yes. I was also forcibly injected with other drugs

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

Healing continues...

I guess the process is not completely over

 

I had decided that I wanted to move, but it would be a hard move, esp in the winter in New England, and esp since I'd not saved up for moving.
An apt  became available unexpectedly and I didn't want to miss out on it

 

but since deciding to move, I got severe insomnia again, with a lot of anxiety about how to manage such a huge move, and it felt like I was having withdrawal/recovery symptoms again

I am not sure how to distinguish them from "just stress".

 

but I do think, even if my problems are not withdrawal related, I do seem to be more sensitive to stress in general. I think that may be a lingering effect of the drugs, I don't know.

 

Last night I decided that moving would be too hard, and now I can sleep.

 

I am still struggling with acceptance of things I don't like. I think that's going to be something I need to work on, on a regular basis

 

I want to control things, and there is too much in life that can't be controlled, it can only be accepted and adjusted to, I think

 

so, the journey continues, just in a different way

 

I don't know if I am fully healed, I don't know if it's possible to know that with 100% certainty.

So many times I felt I'd reached a place that was so good, things could not get better, and then they did, so.....

 

I will hold off making any definitive statement. I guess it is a good thing to wait a year to write a success story.

 

 

[EthanC]

I wish you best of luck Happy2Heal...

I want to be hopeful but I do believe these drugs (Lexapro/Cipralex in particular) cause us brain damage... especially if taken long-term.

 

I stopped in May 2017 and have been struggling ever since, mainly starting in ~October.

The morning dread that you speak of is so real... and it literally happens everyday.

Feels like death is knocking on our door, and no matter how calm or fine you feel the night before, when you wake up, it shows up.

 

How these companies are still manufacturing these and still being prescribed in such a large scale.. is beyond me.

The fact that there has been no concrete long-term studies, except from experiences coming from ones that did... are truly mind-boggling.

 

What did we do to deserve this?... 

I hope your journey improves and I hope one day these Big Pharmas take responsibility or gets punished for what they've done.

[Altostrata]

EthanC, we see people recovering, there is no reason, other than a pessimistic disposition, to think you'll be different.

 

Happy2Heal has made remarkable progress herself.

 

Happy, this bout of sleeplessness may not be as dire as you think now. It can help to push yourself a bit, the nervous system needs to be exercised like any other part of your body. The winter is indeed a difficult time to move, maybe your time will come in the spring.

[Happy2Heal]

Hi Ethan, I am sorry you are still struggling. I do believe wholeheartedly that we DO heal. Our entire body is set up to be a self-healing "machine". It's always working towards health and healing. We need to work with it, not against it, I think. 
Feeling good at night and bad in the morning is just an exaggeration of our body's normal rhythm of increasing hormones that help wake us up and get ready for the day, and then help us get sleepy at night. 

Just remember that as hard as the mornings can be, they DO get better, and each day brings you back to a calm place as the day wears on. Keep that in your mind when you wake up feeling bad, remember "It's ONLY TEMPORARY" and the bad feelings fade and you wonder what you were so worried about.

 

Thanks Alto, I didn't really think the sleeplessness was dire, I just wondered if it was a continuation of withdrawal/recovery symptoms. I don't want to mislead anyone by saying that my symptoms are totally gone if they are not. IF these are symptoms, they are certainly mild and short lived.

 

I had some other stressors with a rescued foster cat and other relationship things going on, and that all snowballed, I think. I have re-committed to taking care of myself FIRST (something that does not come easily for me, I am always putting other's needs before my own)

but since taking better care of myself, I'm now sleeping well (even had a dream!) and feeling less wary of the future.

Trying to remember to live in the present and accept things as they come, and not try so hard to control things that are, and have always been, beyond my control.

 

I think I have a bit of a PTSD like reaction to making decisions: the  decisions I made, the impulses I gave in to, in the way I handled going off the lexapro, had dire consequences- it threw me into acute ADWD recovery and there was no turning back,  I could not undo what had been done. 

It's probably the first time in my life that a decision I made turned out so horribly. So now, I am much more careful and a LOT more anxious about making decisions, even ones that I once didn't give much thought to (but probably should have)

 

It's a process.

I am in much better shape than I'd ever hoped or imagined I could be, and I am exceedingly grateful for that.

I wish I knew what the secret was to my recovery, I am sure there are people who will want to know, what did I do, but as so many others who have gone thru this and come out the other side have said- it really seems like time, and ACCEPTANCE, are they key to recovery. And a positive outlook. If you think that things are going to go badly, if you believe that you can't recover, then, well.... you may not even notice all the signs that you ARE indeed recovering. You need to look for the GOOD, I don't think I could stress that enough. We are designed by nature to pay more attention to threats, it helped us survive way back in the beginning of time, but now, it's counter productive. We need to make a conscious deliberate effort to find good things, every day. 

There's a couple of books on this topic, I can't recall the names of them now but I've recommended them before and still do. They will give you a lot of hope. 

 

the tools and skills that you learn to help you thru withdrawal are great for dealing with the feelings and issues that may have led you to be on the drugs in the first place.

If you come thru this expecting that your life will suddenly be wonderful with no pain or stress or anxiety or grief or any of the other  stuff that's a normal part of living, you're going to be very disappointed. I think that's why so many go back on the meds. They forget that they can handle these things, or they get tired and give up and want the quick fix.

I admit to having times when I wish I could go back and choose what seemed like the "easy way" again. Then I remember, that I took these drugs for temporary emotional states that I didn't know how to deal with at the time, and had long term terrible side effects to try to treat a TEMPORARY and often relatively minor, problem.

I had more faith in the drugs than in myself.

 

Now I see how strong I am, and probably always was, and I know I can handle anything that comes my way.
Doesn't mean I want to, mind you, I'd like things to be all warm and fuzzy and wonderful all the time, just like anyone else, but I know I can face whatever life brings my way.

 

and that's a good feeling. I just need to be reminded sometimes, to re connect with that.

I did that yesterday, I saw a beloved relative, and I soaked in the feelings of connectedness, relished the bond we share and the love we have for each other and let it renew my spirit.

 

sometimes, for me at least, it's just about letting it in.

if you don't feel good about yourself, sometimes you can have a problem letting love in and getting strength and courage from that.

 

I've learned a lot in the last year or so. 

 

anyway, sorry for going on like this!

I hope that everyone can try to find the good in even the hardest day, that *does* seem to make a difference.

I know it turned around some bad days for me.

 

 

Edited February 1, 2018 by ChessieCat
reduced font

[Littlegrandma]

H2H

once again..... what a wonderful post! Your upbeat optimism always seems to come when I need it most. I am saving this post for my daily reflection. 

 

Id like to bring you home with me. 

Have a wonderful day. 

Thank you!!! Lg

[apace41]

19 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

anyway, sorry for going on like this!

 

It's all good stuff, H2H.  I know that part of you REALLY wants to write a success story but you are waiting because you understand there is a 1 year rule (that plenty have violated) and you don't want to jinx things anyway.   I view this as a "rough draft."  

 

Glad you are able to view this in many ways as a journey of self-discovery.

 

Continued healing.

 

Andy

[Happy2Heal]

6 minutes ago, Littlegrandma said:

H2H

once again..... what a wonderful post! Your upbeat optimism always seems to come when I need it most. I am saving this post for my daily reflection. 

 

Id like to bring you home with me. 

Have a wonderful day. 

Thank you!!! Lg

oh Lg,

you don't know how much this means to me!! If I can bring some hope to just one person, it makes *me* feel good, so thank you for letting me know that this helps

 

sometimes I feel like maybe I am going on in a preachy way and I dont' mean to do that! 

 

I would love to come home with you! LOL  It feels so good to be appreciated

you have a wonderful day too!! 

 

[Happy2Heal]

4 minutes ago, apace41 said:

 

It's all good stuff, H2H.  I know that part of you REALLY wants to write a success story but you are waiting because you understand there is a 1 year rule (that plenty have violated) and you don't want to jinx things anyway.   I view this as a "rough draft."  

 

Glad you are able to view this in many ways as a journey of self-discovery.

 

Continued healing.

 

Andy

 thanks so much Andy

I truly understand the reason for the one year rule. It's only fair to all concerned. I do sometimes get a flash of anxiety, esp after reading of other's struggles, that some where down the line, acute WD symptoms may come rushing back, but nothing in my history shows that that's likely. I try to stay optimistic, but that's a choice, it's not really a core of my personality.

Although when I tell people who know me well,  they disagree, they tell me that I've always been optimistic !!

 

so the journey of self discovery goes on ;-)

 

I hope you are doing well, I"m sorry I'm not on here much and have not  kept up with anyone

I will try to do that soon.

 

all the best!! 

[Happy2Heal]

Hi all, 

just popping in with a little update.

I think I have to admit that I am having lingering small waves of symptoms.

I have some anxiety, some morning dread, some cortisol spikes (esp if I eat too late at night) some lack of motivation, no appetite.

I want to think of these things as just normal fluctuations in mood and emotions, totally un related to pysch drug withdrawal, but these are the same symptoms I've had for the past couple of years, just now, in much much milder form.

So I am guessing that my brain is still remodeling itself, which makes sense.

I was on the lexapro for over 10yrs, and on all sorts of psych drugs for over 40 yrs, so of course it's going to take time for things to sort themselves out completely.

 

I continue to take good care of myself and to look for the positive in every situation. It helps to keep from going down that slippery slope of despair that things won't improve...

because they ALWAYS DO improve!

it's just waiting it out and finding ways to fill the time while waiting.

I have no interest in the things that usually bring me pleasure, which makes the days pretty long and boring, but I continue to get out and play cards and such at the Sr Center, meet with friends to do things and do some small volunteer jobs here and there. Whatever keeps me busy and out of trouble! lol

 

I'll be rat sitting for someone for a couple of weeks, that should be fun, Rats are such joyful little creatures. 

 

I've had an increase in palpitations and PVCs PACs which often signal a possible impending afib episode so I'm watching my sodium intake and keeping hydrated; doing yoga and trying to get back into meditating. All things to try to calm down my irritable heart  ;-)

 

I am finding it hard to be around certain people, people who are always on edge and who keep giving warnings about this that and the other thing. I know they well, but it's not helpful to me. It brings on anxiety that I don't need. I try to find calm confident people to hang out with, but they are not easy to find!! 

 

well this is more of me "emptying my brain" of my current thoughts and not really much of an update I guess.

 

all is well, even when it doesn't always feel that way. I am happy to have gotten to this point, it's **so** much better than things were this time last year!!

 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

ack feel like I'm coming down with something, a cold or the flu. Ick LOL

 

but that aside, 

I've noticed something the past month or so, that I keep forgetting to mention: the lexapro yawn!!

 

when I was on lexapro, any time I made a dose adjustment, either up or down, it didn't matter, I'd get the "lexapro yawn". They are uncontrollable yawns that can last for up to a half an hour sometimes. I know a lot of other lexapro users got the same yawn.

 

I got to zero in early or mid Oct, and yet here it is, a couple of months later, and I'm getting the lexapro yawn as if I'd made a dosage change

 

they tend to happen in mid afternoon, which is about the same time they happened before when I was actually taking the drug.

So odd that you can have none of it physically in your system and still have these very physical symptoms from it.

Even though I understand the whole brain remodeling thing, it still boggles my mind that the effects are so long lasting.

 

 

I've gone back and forth about whether I"m still experiencing withdrawal/recovery symptoms but this yawn makes it official for me, I am still dealing with recovery, and not simply day to day ups and downs.

In a way, I am relieved to know that, because the past few days have been tough, and there's nothing going on in my life to account for the feelings I've been having. So knowing that it's more of recovery symptoms means that they will get better.

 

I've needed to dig back into my tool box to find ways to deal with the symptoms. I have some periods of feeling very aggravated and irritable. I have gone back to yoga and am doing more of the deep abdominal breathing, etc, and that's been a huge help.

I need to try to keep that as part of my everyday routine, really, because it's just good for me to do for overall health and well being.

I am reluctant to get started, but once I'm into it, I feel so much better, so much more relaxed and at peace, that I kick myself for not doing it more often.

 

hope this finds everyone well

 

[Blondiee1915]

Hi H2H! 

 

Firstly,  I wanted to say how exciting it is to see a sun sign next to your name .  

 

I read your few updates and I am happy to see you are doing so fairly well.  I think you have such awareness about yourself and what your mind and body needs.   I need to be more like that.  I also wanted to say how I think part of your recovery is your self work and all these copying skills you acquired throughout.  I think that is admirable and it actually gives me inspiration to do more and work on myself.  

 

That's great about yoga. I started slacking on it myself,  and I do too kick myself after I practice why did not I do it more often,  work in progress 

 

I saw on Andy's thread a note about having a positive outlook and I wanted to thank you for bringing it up .  Our thoughts are so powerful and even if we don't believe it first the positive affirmations over time can work .  I started writing down things I am thankful for in hopes of changing how I see things .  

 

Hope you are feelinf better and thag things have settled down 

 

Xoxox 

b 

[Happy2Heal]

11 hours ago, Blondiee1915 said:

 

I saw on Andy's thread a note about having a positive outlook and I wanted to thank you for bringing it up .  Our thoughts are so powerful and even if we don't believe it first the positive affirmations over time can work .  I started writing down things I am thankful for in hopes of changing how I see things .  

 

 

 

hi Blondie, thank you so much for stopping by to say hi

Yes that sun is a good thing, I'm glad to have one now! I'll be even happier when I can write my success story. That's coming, too, I'm sure.

regarding having a positive outlook: there are two books that I read and constantly re read, that are very helpful: Hardwiring Happiness and Bouncing Back.

 

it's a bit more involved than just being thankful for good things... in Hardwiring Happiness, the author takes you thru steps on how to notice good things, even very fleeting good things, and then how to make them have a bigger impact in your brain and memory, so that they "stick".

it's all based on science and it's written for everyone. It helps with being calm and confident also.

 

I highly recommend both books, as well as any of the books written by RIck Hanson, who wrote Hardwiring Happiness. There's a lot of overlap and repetition in his books, but this is a good thing, as he explains himself: negative things have so much sticking power, that we need a high number (I think it's 7 but don't quote me!) of good things to balance them out.

 

These don't have to be big things, in fact, most of them are quite small but they can have a real impact on how you feel. 

 

 

how have you been doing? I'm sorry I haven't kept up with anyone's threads here, I just pop on from time to time, take a quick look around and then, frankly,  I feel badly that there are so many people suffering that I need to step away again.

I guess another way to look at this, though, would be to say, there are so many people who found this site and now have hope and the help they need to go thru recovery with support and good advice

 

 

 

[Blondiee1915]

I have no doubt you will have a success story in the near future  I think you already are a success story !

 

I do have a problem thinking negative and the worst and I do think it adds to my anxiety.  I just started reading actually the self help books:  almost done with Clare Weekes book which I loved and saw myself on every single page and for my panic and anxiety attacks I started reading DARE.  Hopefully it will help me .  I just get so paralyzed by fear at times and bc of such a long history of not dealing with it correctly it will take time for me to change the way of thinking .  But step a the time .  Thank you for recommending those books I will add them to my list and definetly read them.  

 

I completely understand about not checking in on here often .  I also feel aweful to hear about other sufferings and it does add to my anxiety .  But I do love positive updates and success stories, and to hear about other methods/strategies that helped individuals .  And to be honest sometimes I get lonely and feel like no one gets it so coming here to talk to others like me feels comforting .  

 

overall I am doing better compared to last year, I stared caring about my appearances (not in he superficial kind of way more of this is me and self love kind of thing ) and putting effort into things I never cared about, enjoying the little moments.  My mood and attitude overall is also better .  I still struggle with dizziness and this nasty fatigue but I do think it is better .  Right now I am focusing on diminishing my anxiety and learning anything that can help me with that since this was what drove me to meds in the first place . 

 

Sorry to talk all about myself so much on your thread 

 

I do hope you come back once in a while to give an update .  I also think you are a great writer and can give any situation a positive spin .  

 

B 

[Happy2Heal]

On 12/18/2017 at 2:34 PM, Blondiee1915 said:

I have no doubt you will have a success story in the near future  I think you already are a success story !

 

I do have a problem thinking negative and the worst and I do think it adds to my anxiety.  I just started reading actually the self help books:  almost done with Clare Weekes book which I loved and saw myself on every single page and for my panic and anxiety attacks I started reading DARE.  Hopefully it will help me .  I just get so paralyzed by fear at times and bc of such a long history of not dealing with it correctly it will take time for me to change the way of thinking .  But step a the time .  Thank you for recommending those books I will add them to my list and definetly read them.  

 

I completely understand about not checking in on here often .  I also feel aweful to hear about other sufferings and it does add to my anxiety .  But I do love positive updates and success stories, and to hear about other methods/strategies that helped individuals .  And to be honest sometimes I get lonely and feel like no one gets it so coming here to talk to others like me feels comforting .  

 

overall I am doing better compared to last year, I stared caring about my appearances (not in he superficial kind of way more of this is me and self love kind of thing ) and putting effort into things I never cared about, enjoying the little moments.  My mood and attitude overall is also better .  I still struggle with dizziness and this nasty fatigue but I do think it is better .  Right now I am focusing on diminishing my anxiety and learning anything that can help me with that since this was what drove me to meds in the first place . 

 

Sorry to talk all about myself so much on your thread 

 

I do hope you come back once in a while to give an update .  I also think you are a great writer and can give any situation a positive spin .  

 

B 

Hi Blondie, sorry I didn't respond sooner, had a couple of difficult days. It happens :/

 

oh its' so easy to think the worst and to worry, it's the way our brains are wired, actually! we need to work to over come it. I got a lot of help from Clair Weekes book, I'll have to look into that DARE one, I've heard that mentioned on here before, it must be good

 

oh I hear you, on feeling lonely and like no one gets it. It is good to come here and be with people who understand what this journey is like for us and to be amongst friends who care. 

 

I'm glad to hear you are doing better, but damn! that sucks about the dizziness and fatigue!! gosh, I've never known anyone who endured such a long spell with dizziness, you're a strong woman to keep on "keeping on" with that for a symptom. Not that any of the symptoms are easy to deal with, but I think I'd be quite distressed to have that one for such a long time. 

 

hmm, I am in a similar place- trying to find healthy ways to deal with anxiety and other uncomfortable feelings. I don't recall if I had anxiety before I was put on the anti depressants- I started out on psych meds SO very long ago! over 40yrs. So much has changed since then, But I do have anxiety issues now, so I need to work on that. And unhelpful patterns of thinking, stuff like that.  

 

OH my do not apologize for talking about yourself! I believe  I asked how you were... let me scroll up and see...Yes I did, but even if I hadn't, I am always interested to know how you are doing.

I wish you weren't dealing with any uncomfortable symptoms but I know that you're doing your best to handle them and that you'll  get thru it. Just wish we all didn't have anything we had to "get thru"  :/

 

but that's life, right? if it's not one thing, it's another, or as I used to joke,  If it's not one thing, it's your mother (apologies to all the good moms out there, hahaha)
 

oh thanks for the compliment on my writing. Funny, I think my writing is too long, too rambling, too personal and sometimes too repetitive LOL

but it's good to find that some ppl find my outlook positive. Also funny to me, because I don't always *feel* all that positive!! I think it's simply something that I'm working on, that I may never be super good at, but at least I think I can improve on.

 

I just much prefer to feel good, so I try to find the things that make me feel that way.  

 

hearing from you made me feel good. I'm glad you wrote and I hope this finds you in a good place and enjoying the holiday season.

 

all the best

[Happy2Heal]

A friend pointed out to me last night on the phone, that this is my first holiday season in over 40 yrs that I am not on any psych drugs at all!


I am actually not on any drugs. I have a PRN for celebrex for orthopedic issues that I rarely take, and I have a beta blocker for my afib if my heart rate spikes too high, that I was able to wean off of in about 6 weeks back in the fall. No episodes of afib since then. 

I do take magnesium taurate, the form of mag recommended for afib patients, and I take vit D 3, some biotin for my soft nails, some chromium because- er, I don't remember what I got that for, but I think it helps with sugar cravings...?? lol and occasionally if I wake up with anxiety, I might take some glycine.

 

But the point being, this is my first holiday season that I am clear headed and not medicated.

Funny that I needed someone else to point that out to me

 

 

 

 

[Frogie]

1 minute ago, Happy2Heal said:

A friend pointed out to me last night on the phone, that this is my first holiday season in over 40 yrs that I am not on any psych drugs at all!


I am actually not on any drugs. I have a PRN for celebrex for orthopedic issues that I rarely take, and I have a beta blocker for my afib if my heart rate spikes too high, that I was able to wean off of in about 6 weeks back in the fall. No episodes of afib since then. 

I do take magnesium taurate, the form of mag recommended for afib patients, and I take vit D 3, some biotin for my soft nails, some chromium because- er, I don't remember what I got that for, but I think it helps with sugar cravings...?? lol and occasionally if I wake up with anxiety, I might take some glycine.

 

But the point being, this is my first holiday season that I am clear headed and not medicated.

Funny that I needed someone else to point that out to me

 

 

 

 

Awesome

 

[Happy2Heal]

thanks Frogie

glad that things are going well for you.

keep on looking for the good things, they are always there, we just need to look for them.

 

[Littlegrandma]

Congratulations H2H

that is awesome!!!

have a blessed and peaceful Christmas. Hugs 🎄Lg

[brassmonkey]

Such a wonderful present to yourself. Enjoy your day.

[Happy2Heal]

thanks Lg and Tom

have a great holiday!

 

[Hibari]

Another reason to celebrate this holiday.

 

Congratulations on being medication free and for staying the course.

[Altostrata]

Congratulations and happy holidays to you, H2H.

[Happy2Heal]

thanks Alto and Hibari

 

Sitting here, reflecting on the past year of healing, as well as the couple of years leading up to my decision to get off the drugs completely, I realize the one thing that has frustrated me the most:

there is very little that I can do to "fix" the "problems" of recovery/WD. I am a fixer- a person who likes to find solutions to problems.

It is my greatest joy to solve a problem, and this is not/ was not a problem that can be solved.

It's a process that has to be lived thru.  
 

 

As symptoms have come and gone, there was at least the opportunity to find ways to deal with those, but they would keep coming back and so there was never that feeling of accomplishment that comes when you've solved a problem and you have a good end result.

Know what I mean?
Now I don't even need to actively find ways to handle any symptoms that arise (I am still having very small, very short waves, super easy to manage, just annoying)

I feel a bit lost now, as odd as that sounds to admit.  I feel like I "should" be rejoicing and partying or something,  and while I am soooooooooo grateful that the worst of recovery is over, 

I don't have that sense that I've accomplished anything. I don't feel like I've been left with a better life- I just feel like I"m now more aware, of everything. There are days when I wish I could go back to the oblivion of the drugs, oh days when I am so angry that I gave up that security blanket!!! as false as it was, it felt real to me. I felt protected, I felt immune to bad things. I was drugged, over medicated, and not "in" reality  (ironic that the drugs made me lose touch with reality, as I'd been brainwashed into thinking that they'd do the exact opposite of that  ) 

 

anyway, as I move forward into the new year, I try to psych myself up to have the courage to make a life for myself, rather than to just go with the flow, as I've always done.

I don't know where to start, I don't know how this "living" and "making plans" and "having goals" is done, but I am going to be, at the very least, thinking about it. That alone is new for me!

and I am hoping to screw up my courage and just DO IT!! 

 

my wish is for all you to reach the end of the hard part of this journey, where just getting thru the day is the most you can ask for, and that when you get past the worst of it, you'll find yourself in a much better place than you ever imagined-

even if it's totally new territory for you-

even if, as it is for me, this new territory is scary and uncomfortable and not always welcomed.

I hope that you reach a place where you at least have CHOICES

 

that is where I seem to be now.

I think I will start with little choices and work my way up

 

 

 

 

 

[Frogie]

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

thanks Alto and Hibari

 

Sitting here, reflecting on the past year of healing, as well as the couple of years leading up to my decision to get off the drugs completely, I realize the one thing that has frustrated me the most:

there is very little that I can do to "fix" the "problems" of recovery/WD. I am a fixer- a person who likes to find solutions to problems.

It is my greatest joy to solve a problem, and this is not/ was not a problem that can be solved.

It's a process that has to be lived thru.  
 

 

As symptoms have come and gone, there was at least the opportunity to find ways to deal with those, but they would keep coming back and so there was never that feeling of accomplishment that comes when you've solved a problem and you have a good end result.

Know what I mean?
Now I don't even need to actively find ways to handle any symptoms that arise (I am still having very small, very short waves, super easy to manage, just annoying)

I feel a bit lost now, as odd as that sounds to admit.  I feel like I "should" be rejoicing and partying or something,  and while I am soooooooooo grateful that the worst of recovery is over, 

I don't have that sense that I've accomplished anything. I don't feel like I've been left with a better life- I just feel like I"m now more aware, of everything. There are days when I wish I could go back to the oblivion of the drugs, oh days when I am so angry that I gave up that security blanket!!! as false as it was, it felt real to me. I felt protected, I felt immune to bad things. I was drugged, over medicated, and not "in" reality  (ironic that the drugs made me lose touch with reality, as I'd been brainwashed into thinking that they'd do the exact opposite of that  ) 

 

anyway, as I move forward into the new year, I try to psych myself up to have the courage to make a life for myself, rather than to just go with the flow, as I've always done.

I don't know where to start, I don't know how this "living" and "making plans" and "having goals" is done, but I am going to be, at the very least, thinking about it. That alone is new for me!

and I am hoping to screw up my courage and just DO IT!! 

 

my wish is for all you to reach the end of the hard part of this journey, where just getting thru the day is the most you can ask for, and that when you get past the worst of it, you'll find yourself in a much better place than you ever imagined-

even if it's totally new territory for you-

even if, as it is for me, this new territory is scary and uncomfortable and not always welcomed.

I hope that you reach a place where you at least have CHOICES

 

that is where I seem to be now.

I think I will start with little choices and work my way up

 

 

 

 

 

You are doing so well. I hope I can do that well.

 

Happy New Year to you my friend. May 2018 reward us both with healing and peace.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

[Blondiee1915]

Hi! 

 

I figured I'd say hello, I saw your post on andys thread .  I hope you are doing well and not experiencing too many bumps .  Also, I started reading hardwiring happiness a few days ago and I am really enjoying the book.  It is very informative and is easy to comprehend .  I am going to implement some of the suggestions and really look for good experiences and hold on to them just a bit longer .  Very interesting and hopefully I will see some positive shifts .  I was wondering if you had any other recommendations for the books that you found helpful and don't mind sharing  

I read a good book called 10 percent happier by dan Harris it was mostly a memoir but it captures the authors quest to more happier life by discovering and practicing meditation .  I am making it a daily habit to do 10 mins a day at least .   It is so hard to quite down that monkey mind of mine 🙄

 

B 

[Happy2Heal]

21 hours ago, Blondiee1915 said:

Hi! 

 

I figured I'd say hello, I saw your post on andys thread .  I hope you are doing well and not experiencing too many bumps .  Also, I started reading hardwiring happiness a few days ago and I am really enjoying the book.  It is very informative and is easy to comprehend .  I am going to implement some of the suggestions and really look for good experiences and hold on to them just a bit longer .  Very interesting and hopefully I will see some positive shifts .  I was wondering if you had any other recommendations for the books that you found helpful and don't mind sharing  

I read a good book called 10 percent happier by dan Harris it was mostly a memoir but it captures the authors quest to more happier life by discovering and practicing meditation .  I am making it a daily habit to do 10 mins a day at least .   It is so hard to quite down that monkey mind of mine 🙄

 

B 

 

 

Hi Blondie, thanks for stopping by!

I'm glad you are liking the Hardwiring happiness book. Yes I've got some others to recommend but I'll need a little time to dig out my list (I've passed most of the actual books along to others, some I hope to get back, If I can only remember who borrowed them LOL)

 

I heard about Dan Harris' book in an interview with him, how he had a panic attack on the air and all that. I've been meaning to read that book , too, will put that on my library list.

 

oh, did I mention this one before? Bouncing Back by Linda Graham.  It somewhat overlaps with the Hardwiring Happiness and goes into what's happening in your brain, etc.

 

 

I'll get back to you soon about other books, if I forget just "poke" me with a pm or something ok?
 

I'm now about 3 mos off the meds completely.  It's going much better than I ever would have imagined. Not perfect, still some mild waves but honestly, I have am in good place and feel very confident that I'll never return to the worst of wd. 
I think I won't feel fully healed until I need an alarm clock to wake up. For well over a year now, I've woken up way before I've wanted to and long before I need to get up. I can sometimes doze off for a bit longer, but I've not once overslept. It's been great, in one way, I"m never late for anything. LOL

But I will celebrate that day when I have a hard time waking up because to me, that will mean that I am sleeping "normally".  I want that sleepy feeling and that  delicious drifting off to sleep feeling that I used to have.

 

It will happen again, I'm sure. 
I used to think I was stuck with the ringing in my ears, that that was something that would not go away but it did! so now I am just assume that any lingering mild issues will fade with time as well.

 

it's really remarkable how the brain/body just wants to keep healing. 

it's a good thing that I try to remember to drink in and hold in awareness and feel really good about.

;-)