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☼ Happy2Heal: Hope I'm doing this right


Happy2Heal

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  • Moderator
53 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

 

 

Hi Blondie, thanks for stopping by!

I'm glad you are liking the Hardwiring happiness book. Yes I've got some others to recommend but I'll need a little time to dig out my list (I've passed most of the actual books along to others, some I hope to get back, If I can only remember who borrowed them LOL)

 

I heard about Dan Harris' book in an interview with him, how he had a panic attack on the air and all that. I've been meaning to read that book , too, will put that on my library list.

 

oh, did I mention this one before? Bouncing Back by Linda Graham.  It somewhat overlaps with the Hardwiring Happiness and goes into what's happening in your brain, etc.

 

 

I'll get back to you soon about other books, if I forget just "poke" me with a pm or something ok?
 

I'm now about 3 mos off the meds completely.  It's going much better than I ever would have imagined. Not perfect, still some mild waves but honestly, I have am in good place and feel very confident that I'll never return to the worst of wd. 
I think I won't feel fully healed until I need an alarm clock to wake up. For well over a year now, I've woken up way before I've wanted to and long before I need to get up. I can sometimes doze off for a bit longer, but I've not once overslept. It's been great, in one way, I"m never late for anything. LOL

But I will celebrate that day when I have a hard time waking up because to me, that will mean that I am sleeping "normally".  I want that sleepy feeling and that  delicious drifting off to sleep feeling that I used to have.

 

It will happen again, I'm sure. 
I used to think I was stuck with the ringing in my ears, that that was something that would not go away but it did! so now I am just assume that any lingering mild issues will fade with time as well.

 

it's really remarkable how the brain/body just wants to keep healing. 

it's a good thing that I try to remember to drink in and hold in awareness and feel really good about.

;-)

 

 

 

That's awesome! You must be staying very busy because I never hear from you anymore :)

 

We are watching the Vikings Eagles football game tomorrow with the renters. Go Vikings! (Fiancé is from Minnesota).

 

We are getting ready to go to the store. Under a winder storm warning starting tonight through Monday at 5am. 5-8 inches, winds 50mph, trees down and power outages. Stock up on food and batteries.

 

I just tapered yesterday. No nausea Yay! But legs feel rubbery, like they can't hold me up. I'm sure I'll be ok in another day or so.

 

Again, I'm so happy for you. I can only wish I was off the Lexaoro, but getting there on every taper. Then onto to the Xanax and never again will I take another one of these meds again!

 

Keep in touch.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

PREVIOUS medications and discontinuations: Have been on medications since 1996. 

 Valium, Gabapentin, Lamictal, Prilosec and Zantac from 2000 to 2015 with a fast taper by a psychiatrist.

 Liquid Lexapro Nov, 2016 to 31-March, 2019 Lexapro free!!! (total Lexapro taper was 4 years-started with pill form)

---CURRENT MEDICATIONS:Supplements:Milk Thistle, Metamucil, Magnesium Citrate, Vitamin D3, Levothyroxine 25mcg, Vitamin C, Krill oil.

Xanax 1mg 3x day June, 2000 to 19-September, 2020 Went from .150 grams (average weight of 1 Xanax) 3x day to .003 grams 3x day. April 1, 2021 went back on 1mg a day. Started tapering May 19, 2023. July 28, 2023-approximately .87mg. Dr. fast tapered me at the end and realized he messed up. Prescribe it again and I am doing "slower than a turtle" taper.

19-September, 2020 Xanax free!!! (total Xanax taper was 15-1/2 months-1-June, 2019-19-September, 2020)

I am not a medical professional.

The suggestions I make are based on personal experience.

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  • Mentor

good for you Frogie, I'm sure you'll do fine

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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Hello H2H, thanks for updating us regularly with your progress.  I am happy for you that things are going reasonably well.

 

I am especially happy about your ear-ringing.  I have developed tinnitus too and it is constant. So you have given me hope that it could eventually disappear.  How long have you had it, and did it worsen during your tapering?

 

Also, I see that you had hair loss at one time.  Did this eventually resolve?

 

Wish more healing comes your way! Take care.

PAST

Gabapentin:  about 6 months in 2015, 300-900 mg, cold turkeyed Sept 2015 (at same time dc'd Klonopin)

Klonopin: June 2014- Sept 2015; 1mg tapered over 6 mths, dc'd at 0.25mg, withdrawal hellish (perhaps because of concurrent dc of gabapentin)

Mirtazepine: Jumped off at 2.4 mg. (stable in 8 months).

Seroquel:  June 14 - July 24, 2016, 25 mg alternate nights; smaller doses for shorter periods. Total use about 3 months 

Lamictal: March 19, 2018 - 1 mg; March 23 - 1.25 mg; April 6 - 2mg. Discontinued at 2 mgJuly 1, 2018 due to Steven Johnson Syndrome.

 

CURRENT

Supplements: Vit D, turmeric

Naturethroid: 65 mcg for hypothyroidism

Trazodone: Oct 2015 - June 2016; 75 mg tapered over 2 mths, intense w/d after 3 weeks. Reinstatement: 07/25/16 - 25 mg; updosed 08/03/16 - 50 mg;  10/01/16-  62mg; 03/24/17 dropped to 50 mg (stable in 2.5 months)

                           Current psych meds: Trazodone 50 mg

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  • Moderator
1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

good for you Frogie, I'm sure you'll do fine

Thanks. Keep in touch.

PREVIOUS medications and discontinuations: Have been on medications since 1996. 

 Valium, Gabapentin, Lamictal, Prilosec and Zantac from 2000 to 2015 with a fast taper by a psychiatrist.

 Liquid Lexapro Nov, 2016 to 31-March, 2019 Lexapro free!!! (total Lexapro taper was 4 years-started with pill form)

---CURRENT MEDICATIONS:Supplements:Milk Thistle, Metamucil, Magnesium Citrate, Vitamin D3, Levothyroxine 25mcg, Vitamin C, Krill oil.

Xanax 1mg 3x day June, 2000 to 19-September, 2020 Went from .150 grams (average weight of 1 Xanax) 3x day to .003 grams 3x day. April 1, 2021 went back on 1mg a day. Started tapering May 19, 2023. July 28, 2023-approximately .87mg. Dr. fast tapered me at the end and realized he messed up. Prescribe it again and I am doing "slower than a turtle" taper.

19-September, 2020 Xanax free!!! (total Xanax taper was 15-1/2 months-1-June, 2019-19-September, 2020)

I am not a medical professional.

The suggestions I make are based on personal experience.

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  • Mentor
2 hours ago, Survivor1 said:

 

 

I am especially happy about your ear-ringing.  I have developed tinnitus too and it is constant. So you have given me hope that it could eventually disappear.  How long have you had it, and did it worsen during your tapering?

 

Also, I see that you had hair loss at one time.  Did this eventually resolve?

 

Wish more healing comes your way! Take care.

 

Hi Survivor1

Yes I am thrilled that the tinnitus is gone! I had it almost non stop for over a year.  There were a few brief periods when it wasn't as severe but it was pretty constant for a long time. That's why I was more or less resigned to believing that it would never end.

but IT DID END!
It happened fairly gradually til one day I realized it was gone. OK not totally, but this is all I'm left with: If it's really quiet, esp in the early evenings (but rarely after say, 10pm, go figure!) I will have a bit of tinnitus, but it's mild and I can easily block it out. Plus it lasts no more than an hour!! sweet, eh?! who can't put up with just an hour of it?? I have friends who had tinnitus as a side effect of chemo- one had it for a couple of years and now it's gone, the other sadly succumbed to her cancer.

 

So there's hope for you.

;-)

 

 

about the hair loss- that was a double whammy. I've had telogen effluvium twice! first time was following a rapid taper PLUS a long bout with pneumonia. I lost about 2/3 of my hair that time.

it was just starting to grow back when I lost it all again, from the too fast taper! 

I am also over 60, so my hair may have thinned out just due to age, I don't know.

However, I am growing some hair back. I take biotin, a fairly hefty dose. I know it helps my fingernails; I hope it's helping my hair. I also changed my shampoo to this stuff called Nioxin for thinning hair (there's several formulas) I don't think it's helping my hair re grow, however it does seem to make the most of what hair I have left. And it's not really expensive because it's very concentrated, so you only use a tiny bit. Well, that and I've only got a tiny bit of hair to wash, hahaha!!

 

thanks for your good wishes! and thanks for stopping by!

 

Sometimes I stop and marvel at how very lucky I am! I have one of the worst (not "the" worst, I'm sure, but my case is right up there) drug histories, and I'm healing. I am at least 95% healed, I think. 
It's hard to tell for sure, since there are things that are getting better that I don't even see as problems - until they are GONE! weird, eh? 

 

I was put on the first generation antipsychotics at the age of 18. Haldol, thorazine, stellazine. From there, they added tricyclic antidepressants, bits of benzos off and on, lithium (for years and years) Z meds, many different SSRIs, lamictal, depakote, zyprexa, cymbalta, lyrica, remeron, trilafon, triavil, massive doses of seroquel, many rapid med switches and CTs. 

and yet my brain knows to heal itself!

 

after over 40 yrs of almost non stop drugging with these poisons! 

it's practically a miracle, when you think about it, you know??

 

 

:)

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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  • Mentor
2 hours ago, Longestroadhome said:

Thank you for sharing your story. I can’t tell you how much hope it has given me. 

I am glad it gives you hope.

 

lexapro is a very strong med, so strong that some people feel a difference from a change of only a 10th of a mg of it. So try not to get discouraged by how long it can take to get off it. 

 

how have you been doing since your last drop? has the anxiety improved any?

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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H2H. So happy to see you doing well ~ please stay in touch ~

Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014

 

                                                  Psych Drug - free since May 2014
.
         

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  • Mentor
15 minutes ago, AliG said:

H2H. So happy to see you doing well ~ please stay in touch ~

 

thanks so much Ali, I'm sorry I"ve not been over to look at your thread for some time, will do that now

 

hope you are doing well!

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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H2H,  thanks for the reply.  And given that list of drugs you were on, you deserve my moniker more than I do!  All the best.

PAST

Gabapentin:  about 6 months in 2015, 300-900 mg, cold turkeyed Sept 2015 (at same time dc'd Klonopin)

Klonopin: June 2014- Sept 2015; 1mg tapered over 6 mths, dc'd at 0.25mg, withdrawal hellish (perhaps because of concurrent dc of gabapentin)

Mirtazepine: Jumped off at 2.4 mg. (stable in 8 months).

Seroquel:  June 14 - July 24, 2016, 25 mg alternate nights; smaller doses for shorter periods. Total use about 3 months 

Lamictal: March 19, 2018 - 1 mg; March 23 - 1.25 mg; April 6 - 2mg. Discontinued at 2 mgJuly 1, 2018 due to Steven Johnson Syndrome.

 

CURRENT

Supplements: Vit D, turmeric

Naturethroid: 65 mcg for hypothyroidism

Trazodone: Oct 2015 - June 2016; 75 mg tapered over 2 mths, intense w/d after 3 weeks. Reinstatement: 07/25/16 - 25 mg; updosed 08/03/16 - 50 mg;  10/01/16-  62mg; 03/24/17 dropped to 50 mg (stable in 2.5 months)

                           Current psych meds: Trazodone 50 mg

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  • Mentor

*sigh*

 

acknowledge= I am having some rough waves

accept= very hard to do, I don't like this, don't want this, but accepting it does ease it somewhat, so I will work on acceptance

float= oh I wasn't good at this before but I must keep trying

 

I guess it was unrealistic to think I could walk away from such a long history on these toxins and have everything be just hunky-dory, eh?

still, all in all, I'm doing so much better than before. I have days when I'm fed up with this process, but don't we all...?
and then I see that others are going thru difficult things in their lives, illnesses, financial troubles, losses, major stresses, and I realize, this is just the cards that I've been dealt.


So I will play out my hand as best I can and move on....

and be grateful, because things could be so very much worse (and actually were! LOL these waves are NOTHING compared to the early ones!)

 

I have to remind myself that a wave means that my brain is doing more healing. It feels bad but it's a good sign.

 

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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It will pass like always. Maybe a couple more bumps but you are closer to the forever window.

 

hugs,

lex

Drug free Sep. 23 2017

2009 Mar.: lexapro 10mg for headache for 2 weeks.

2009-2012: on and off 1/4 to 1/3 of 10mg

2012 June--2013 Jan,: 1/4-1/3 of 10mg generic, bad jaw pain

2013 Jan-Mar: 10 mg generic. severe jaw and head pain;

2013 Mar--Aug. started tapering (liquid ever since) from 10 to 5 (one step) then gradually down to 2.25 mg by July. first ever panic attack, severe head/jaw pain

2013 Aug.: back to 2.75 mg; Nov: back to Brand Lex. 2.75mg -- 3mg,

2014 June: stopped PPI, head pressure/numbness. up-dosed 4.5mg, severe reaction mental symptoms added on

2014 Aug--2015 Aug: Micro taper down to 3.2mg, .025mg (<1%) cut holding 2-3 weeks.

2015 Aug 15th, Accidental one dose of 4.2mg. worsening brain non-functional, swollen head, body, coma like, DR

2016 Feb., started dosing 10am through 11 pm everyday 2/13--3.2mg, 3/15-- 2.9mg, 4/19-- 2.6mg, 6/26--2.2mg, 7/22 --1.9mg, 8/16--1.8mg,8/31--1.7m g, 9/13--1.6mg, 9/27--1.5mg, 10/8--1.4mg, 10/14--1.3mg, 11/1--1.2mg, 11/29--1.1mg, 12/12--1mg, 12/22--0.9mg

2017: 1/7--0.8mg, 1/15--0.7mg, 1/17--0.6mg, 1/20--0.52, 1/21--0.4mg, 1/22--0.26, 1/23--0.2, 2/13--0.13mg, 2/20--0.06mg, 3/18--0.13mg, 6/1--0.12mg, 7/6--0.1mg, 7/14--0.08mg, 8/17--0.04mg, 8/20--0.03mg, 8/28--0.02mg, 9/6--0.0205mg, 9/8--0.02mg, 9/17--0.015mg, 9/20--0.01mg, 9/21--0.0048mg, 9/22--0.0001mg,

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Sorry to hear H2H.  All you can do is hang in there and hope for the best.  My thoughts are with you ...

PAST

Gabapentin:  about 6 months in 2015, 300-900 mg, cold turkeyed Sept 2015 (at same time dc'd Klonopin)

Klonopin: June 2014- Sept 2015; 1mg tapered over 6 mths, dc'd at 0.25mg, withdrawal hellish (perhaps because of concurrent dc of gabapentin)

Mirtazepine: Jumped off at 2.4 mg. (stable in 8 months).

Seroquel:  June 14 - July 24, 2016, 25 mg alternate nights; smaller doses for shorter periods. Total use about 3 months 

Lamictal: March 19, 2018 - 1 mg; March 23 - 1.25 mg; April 6 - 2mg. Discontinued at 2 mgJuly 1, 2018 due to Steven Johnson Syndrome.

 

CURRENT

Supplements: Vit D, turmeric

Naturethroid: 65 mcg for hypothyroidism

Trazodone: Oct 2015 - June 2016; 75 mg tapered over 2 mths, intense w/d after 3 weeks. Reinstatement: 07/25/16 - 25 mg; updosed 08/03/16 - 50 mg;  10/01/16-  62mg; 03/24/17 dropped to 50 mg (stable in 2.5 months)

                           Current psych meds: Trazodone 50 mg

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  • Moderator

Funny that you should mention AAF (Acknowledge, Accept, Float) H2H, I was just talking to another member about it.  It hasn't been mentioned anywhere in quite some time even though it is a keystone coping technique.  It doesn't happen overnight because there a good amount of working through the issues and learning to get on with our life in spite of them.  It takes a lot of practice, but is well worth the time spent.  For others that might be reading this, there is a lot of information on it, a quick site search will keep you busy for a while.

 

H2H -- The first six or eight months after hitting "0" can be rather turbulent, but there is always a bias toward improvement.  Now that the drug is out of your system your body can put the finishing touches on your healing with out having to fight against the drugs influence. 

20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Final Dose 0.016mg.     Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking

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  • Moderator Emeritus

H2H,

 

5 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

I guess it was unrealistic to think I could walk away from such a long history on these toxins and have everything be just hunky-dory, eh?

 

As you and AliG have reminded me on several occasions, having a positive mindset is really important in getting through this struggle.  So, the fact that you wanted to believe it was "over" is only a sign that you have retained your positivity.  See it for what you know it to be -- another (hopefully smaller) obstacle on the journey.  You will get through this and hopefully see higher baseline healing.

 

5 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

still, all in all, I'm doing so much better than before.

 

This is the key to it all.  Your graph is on the way up.  If you were a stock we'd be buying.

 

5 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

So I will play out my hand as best I can and move on....

and be grateful, because things could be so very much worse (and actually were! LOL these waves are NOTHING compared to the early ones!)

 

I have to remind myself that a wave means that my brain is doing more healing. It feels bad but it's a good sign.

 

All very positive in the way you are perceiving this little blip.

 

You are getting even closer to the finish line.

 

Best,

 

Andy

Sertraline 50mg and Clonazapam .375mg from 2000 -- symptoms of dizziness Spring 2012

increased to .5 Clonazapam and 100mg Sertraline -- no improvement

Benzo microtaper from November 2012 to November 2014 (followed benzo sites "taper benzo first")

Started Sertraline taper in December 2014 cut by 25mg to 75mg; 62.5mg 1/1/15 and 50mg on 2/1/15

Held at 50mg through April 5 to use liquid 
Reduced dosage in 10% or less drops from 50mg to 25mg -- at single tablet of 25mg on 10/5/15

Transitioned to all liquid for accuracy while tapering -- Horrible insomnia -- back to 25mg liquid and held until October 1, 2016

10/16 -- 11/18 tapered very slowly to 10.6mg.  No real improvement and never really stable so updosed to 12.5mg (1/2 a pill) for convenience and long hold.

After 8+ months of holding with no noticeable improvement decided to add .4ml of liquid Prozac (about 1.5mg) to see if that improves the situation

Supplements, Magnesium, D3, Omega 3, curcumin, Valerian, 81mg Aspirin, L-Theanine, Vit. C,

 

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  • Mentor
On 1/26/2018 at 3:14 PM, apace41 said:

 

 

 

On 1/26/2018 at 9:51 AM, Happy2Heal said:

still, all in all, I'm doing so much better than before.

 

This is the key to it all.  Your graph is on the way up.  If you were a stock we'd be buying.

 

 

*giggle*

thanks!! I like the way you put things! :)

 

 

I'm happy to report that the waves are subsiding. at the worst of it, it felt a bit like being a small ship in a big storm, but I seem to have landed on shore in a better place than I was before, once again.

*knock wood*
I am so pleased with my good luck.  


each time I think, this is it, I am about as healed as I can be,  it turns out I am wrong.

I couldn't be happier to be wrong!!

 

each new level of healing comes with it's own set of challenges.

I remember the way that I was on drugs, the ways that I coped with difficulties, the way that I was socially (inept and almost asocial, I rarely left my house and spoke to very few people in person, a few more on the phone and a few dozen online)

Now I rarely stay home, am gaining new friends often, spend more time with people face to face and much less time online.

I am having to learn how to navigate socially, this is all new for me! but in spite of the stress and worries about "doing it right" - or rather, doing it well, I am enjoying it. 
I am starting to be more confident and less self conscious.

 

I am learning that the past doesn't define me. I was learning, I was uneducated, I was uninformed, I trusted sources that were not reliable, I had too little faith in myself and too much faith in things outside of myself (the "medical/mental health system", big pharma, I trusted that the govt was protecting consumers, etc, and I also put more stock in other lay people's assessments, not even thinking to investigate where *they* got their information!) In short, I was kind of a "sheeple" (sheep person, following the flock)

It's scary putting more faith and trust in myself. I often feel like I've got no one backing me up; I feel like I could fall flat on my face at any time. But I also feel exhilarated that no one else is making decisions about my life any more. It's a terrifying, exciting journey.

 

I only briefly grieve for the lost time (about 40 years of my life!) knowing that I can't change it, and it was not 'wasted time'- I did good things in spite of my overly drugged condition, and the things that I did that I feel ashamed about, I am learning to forgive myself for. 

in fact, that's been the hardest part for me. I am very hard on my former self. It's silly, I forget that I didn't KNOW back then what I know now.

 

I do grieve though, and I think that's an important part of this process. Honoring the losses. I feel bad for my daughter, who only knew a drugged mother who was never really her true self.

I hope that we will be able to connect more authentically now. 

 

I will be 62 years old in a few days. Unfortunately,  my  oldest brother passed away 3 years ago on the same day. I was going thru WD at the time so it's all a blur. I will be polite if ppl wish me a happy birthday but it's a day I prefer to pass quickly and just move on.

 

I am exceeding grateful to all who helped me along this hard journey. all of you here at SA, most especially, as well as a handful of in-person friends, some I met thru SA. 

I am finding that people overall are kind and generous and good.

 

I am so glad that I didn't give in to the temptation to go back on the drugs. So many times, I felt like throwing in the towel and giving in. I can't give willpower too much credit for this, however.

Because for me, part of the reason I didn't got back on psych meds was simply that it probably would not have "worked"- after 40+ yrs and dozens of different drugs, they all likely would produce only worse symptoms and nothing of the numbing that I got from that crap in the beginning.

 

and that is mostly all those drugs did that was ever seen or felt as a "benefit"- It numbed the pain, but in doing so, it damaged and numbed out everything else too.

I won't lie, I am not too thrilled with how intense some of my "negative" emotions can be now, but I am starting to have more positive ones, more often, and I will take the bad with the good

cuz the good is REALLY good and esp, it 's REAL.

 

just keep swimming, folks, you're going to get there too. It's a tough path but it's worth it.

 

thank you for all your support.

<3

 

 

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
Link to comment
  • Mentor
On 1/26/2018 at 11:53 AM, LexAnger said:

It will pass like always. Maybe a couple more bumps but you are closer to the forever window.

 

hugs,

lex

thanks Lex,

hope you are doing well

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
Link to comment
  • Mentor
On 1/26/2018 at 2:04 PM, brassmonkey said:

 

 

H2H -- The first six or eight months after hitting "0" can be rather turbulent, but there is always a bias toward improvement.  Now that the drug is out of your system your body can put the finishing touches on your healing with out having to fight against the drugs influence. 

oh this is good to know Tom

yeh, it's been a bit rocky here and there. I can't help but sometimes get anxious that the worst of the acute symptoms might come back but I am able to calm myself quickly and "talk myself down" knowing that even if that did  happen, I could handle it, because I did already!! ;-)

 

how far out are you now? are you coming up to a year off?

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
Link to comment
  • Mentor
On 1/26/2018 at 11:54 AM, Survivor1 said:

Sorry to hear H2H.  All you can do is hang in there and hope for the best.  My thoughts are with you ...

thanks so much Survivor

the waves are smaller and infrequent now,  just tiny blips

 

whew! that was not fun but I've landed at a better level once again, so it's all good

;-)

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
Link to comment
  • Moderator

Hi H2H-- I passed the nine month mark a couple of weeks ago. It will be one year on April 15.  There are still some ups and downs, bu each swing ends up higher on the up side and lasts longer.  I've been a bit off for the past few days.  It seem to come and go in waves throughout the day so there is a lot of variety.

20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Final Dose 0.016mg.     Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking

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  • Mentor
On 1/30/2018 at 2:47 PM, brassmonkey said:

Hi H2H-- I passed the nine month mark a couple of weeks ago. It will be one year on April 15.  There are still some ups and downs, bu each swing ends up higher on the up side and lasts longer.  I've been a bit off for the past few days.  It seem to come and go in waves throughout the day so there is a lot of variety.

 

oh this is good to know.

 

so far, every wave has landed me at a higher level, too, I'm so happy about this.

and this time the level is one I never thought I'd make:
I am starting to settle back into "myself".... I have moments, sometimes a few hours, when I feel like I am my old self, but better....

everything had been so strange, for so long, I really thought that the feeling of being "at home" within myself and my own mind, would never come back.

I can't tell you how thrilled I am that it has!

 

 

 

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus
1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

I can't tell you how thrilled I am that it has!

 

We are all thrilled for you H2H!

 

And, to be perfectly honest, more than just a wee bit JEALOUS! 

 

Best,

 

Andy

Sertraline 50mg and Clonazapam .375mg from 2000 -- symptoms of dizziness Spring 2012

increased to .5 Clonazapam and 100mg Sertraline -- no improvement

Benzo microtaper from November 2012 to November 2014 (followed benzo sites "taper benzo first")

Started Sertraline taper in December 2014 cut by 25mg to 75mg; 62.5mg 1/1/15 and 50mg on 2/1/15

Held at 50mg through April 5 to use liquid 
Reduced dosage in 10% or less drops from 50mg to 25mg -- at single tablet of 25mg on 10/5/15

Transitioned to all liquid for accuracy while tapering -- Horrible insomnia -- back to 25mg liquid and held until October 1, 2016

10/16 -- 11/18 tapered very slowly to 10.6mg.  No real improvement and never really stable so updosed to 12.5mg (1/2 a pill) for convenience and long hold.

After 8+ months of holding with no noticeable improvement decided to add .4ml of liquid Prozac (about 1.5mg) to see if that improves the situation

Supplements, Magnesium, D3, Omega 3, curcumin, Valerian, 81mg Aspirin, L-Theanine, Vit. C,

 

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  • Mentor
12 hours ago, apace41 said:

 

We are all thrilled for you H2H!

 

And, to be perfectly honest, more than just a wee bit JEALOUS! 

 

Best,

 

Andy

thank you Andy

I'm sorry you are still struggling :(   I don't blame you for feeling jealous. I've had periods of intense jealousy for the folks who could sleep well throughout recovery because it was so hard for me.  

 

14 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

everything had been so strange, for so long, I really thought that the feeling of being "at home" within myself and my own mind, would never come back.

 

 

You know what? I think I went from accepting that I might never have that "at home" feeling within myself,

to actually expecting that it would not come back, so I didn't leave any space open for it.

For all I know, I had this ability all along but just didn't realize it, and so continued to feel ill at ease out of expectation alone.

The switch was just so quick, I attribute it to a recent conversation with my sister about letting go of faulty beliefs, or at least, examining our beliefs to see how they affect us.

 

I  think that's when I became aware of the fact that I'd gone beyond accepting that things *might* stay a certain way "forever" to expecting that they would. To basically believing that I was stuck with a certain outcome.

I think sometimes it's easier to do that, than to live with uncertainty. 

 

I see that there's a fine line between accepting and expecting. (or maybe not so fine, lol)

 

This all makes me very tired sometimes, all this thinking, hahahaha

my brain has gotten quite the workout going thru recovery, that's for sure!!

 

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
Link to comment

so happy to see you doing so well..it's very inspiring.

you always have spoken so intelligently and insightfully,

you've helped a lot of people here.

wishing you all the best as you continue to recover.

 

ds     xx

 

 

went on Prozac 1994-99,60mg.poopout ct  back on 2001-2002,prozac weekly 2002,not working,Effexor 75 mg.?2003-mar.2004 gaining weight 8wk. taper,wellbutrin 150 mg.mar. -may 2004 ctmedfree til july 2005 back to Prozac gaining weight again,back on wellbutrin jan.2006150-300 mg.bad constipation.also was taking aygestin(hormone)perimenopausal irregular bleeding.back on Prozac around sept,?2006,hysterectomy jan30.2007(adenomyosis)off&on Prozac til 2009,citalopram about 1 mo, April 2010 no effect,Effexor again may -mar, 2011.ct,Prozac aug,-dec, 2011 &sept-nov 2012,paroxetine oct,23 2013-may 4 2014 20 mgs.tapered 6 wks.-failed RI in Oct.2014-in protracted WD.started 10 mgs. Fluoxetine May 25 2021 .Stopped fluoxetine May 2022 at 5 mgs.

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  • Mentor

thank you so much ds, that's good to hear

 

in spite of knowing that I'd heal, I have to admit, even I did not expect things to go this well, so soon.

I had this nagging fear that recovery would drag on and on. 
But then, I guess it kind of has been a long time, I started tapering in the summer of 2016, after all.

but still, I messed it up quite a bit and went thru that acute stuff for a long time because of it.

 

   Some kind people have complimented me on my "positive attitude", however, I honestly could not tell you if having a positive attitude made a difference. I don't feel like I deserve any credit for that, at least, because there were times I was so discouraged and felt really desperate for relief. 

 

     I guess it's just that I know that with all the hundreds of thousands (or millions??) of people who have taken these drugs and the huge numbers of people who have successfully gotten off of them, there was no reason to believe that I couldn't do it too.

       We have to remember that the people on this forum are not a good representation of EVERYONE going off these drugs. Some, indeed many, have only brief periods of symptoms, some only have mild symptoms that they pass off as something else, never even realizing it was the drug they stopped taking.

    I, myself, knew nothing about withdrawal and went off so many drugs in the past, and while I can't say there weren't problems, they are manageable and short lived, for the most part.

It was mainly this SSRI that kicked my butt bad!!

the other drugs were much easier to stop. 

 

 

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I don't think I've done anything especially "inspiring" beyond just sharing my story.

I am happy if my story inspires others though. Very happy! I know how much I held onto hope and how much I needed to hear the stories of the ppl who made it thru to the "other side". 

so if I can give anyone hope, I am happy to do it.

 

 

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
Link to comment
  • Mentor
On 2/2/2018 at 3:48 AM, Longestroadhome said:

Believe me, there is a LOT of positivity in your writing. You are only human though and some days are definitely going to be harder than others, but in general I find your thread very encouraging. You are right in saying that everyone's journey is different. I was told recently that a woman I know jumped off cold turkey from her antidepressants  and is doing wonderfully! She credits it with joining the gym. I guess that could be true, exercise is known to help with depression. Plus she is young and was only on one medication. Maybe our bodies are far more forgiving when we are young. Part of me is happy for her and another part is bitter! 'why can't that be me'. I guess it is human nature. Outwardly we want the best for people but inwardly hearing stories like that we go through all the yukky emotions of jealousy, envy, bitterness etc!  I did momentarily think of joining the gym but it didn't last long. Call me my own worst enemy!

 

 

oh thank you so much for saying this, LRH.

Try not to feel bad that you're taking longer than someone who is #1 young #2 was only on one drug and #3 is in a totally different body than you are, so- it's gonna be different!! lol

 

however it does seem to be true that being younger helps a lot. I don't recall having trouble stopping the drugs when I was younger. Admittedly, I would not have known to look for problems, plus I had so much else going on back then! but my sense is, that I did heal faster back then. It's just one of those unfair advantages of youth, I guess!

 

Who knows if joining a gym would help you or not?! It might actually be too much. I couldn't tolerate a lot of exercise in the past year. The SA recommendation of a half hour of gentle exercise was just right for me. Much more than that, and i had trouble. Less than that didn't necessarily bring on more symptoms, but I did def sleep better on days I took a half hour walk or a yoga class.

 

so don't beat yourself up! you are doing the best you can, and that's all anyone can do. Your main focus has to be on what helps you to heal. Just YOU< no one else!

 

have you decided to do a long hold? reading thru your signature, that seems like it would be of benefit to you. I don't know the particulars of your story but just from the brief outline, that's what I'd do. (if I had it to do over again, oh, I would do things SO much SLOWER!! so very much slower!!!)

 

 

anyway, I know what you mean, it's hard not to be envious of someone who had an easier time of things than we did.

I have not had an easy time, and I will tell anyone who asks, that last year (from Oct 2016 to roughly Oct 2017) was THE absolute worst year of my life. And I've been thru some pretty awful stuff in my 62 yrs, but nothing compares to that year of acute WD/Recovery.  I pray that I never  have to go thru anything that awful again. Or that, at least, anything bad that comes my way does not last that darn long!!

 

so yeh I'm really psyched that I'm doing so well now.

 

see my next post for the minor, occasional exceptions to that, lol

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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  • Mentor

oh my I had a whole post written out, hit something on the keyboard by accident and it's gone!
 

oh well. LOL

 

just wanted to say, I'm riding the waves again, the past few days.

they are very different though.

 

memories come at me, fast and furious, then leave.

 

for most of the time I feel fine. even good.

but then I'll be hit with either the memories, or a burst of one emotion or another;

I think they may be related to the memory, 

but I'm not sure.

It all happens so fast!
 

very unexpected. I'm guessing this is not unusual for post "zero" experience but I sure didn't see it coming.

 

it's interesting. not distressing, just interesting.

 

it's made for some odd conversations, hahaha but luckily I've got very forgiving friends

 

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
Link to comment

Happy2heal

Don't want you to miss out on a personal invite to make a submission to the Scottish govt. 

They are all ears for a window of time.

No pressure.

thanks 

nz11

details are in my drug sig.

 

Thought for the day: Lets stand up, and let’s speak out , together. G Olsen

We have until the 14th. Feb 2018. 

URGENT REQUEST Please consider submitting  for the petition on Prescribed Drug Dependence and Withdrawal currently awaiting its third consideration at the Scottish Parliament. You don't even have to be from Scotland. By clicking on the link below you can read some of the previous submissions but be warned many of them are quite harrowing.

http://www.parliament.scot/GettingInvolved/Petitions/PE01651   

Please tell them about your problems taking and withdrawing from antidepressants and/or benzos.

Send by email to petitions@parliament.scot and quote PE01651 in the subject heading. Keep to a maximum of 3 sides of A4 and you can't name for legal reasons any doctor you have consulted. Tell them if you wish to remain anonymous. We need the numbers to help convince the committee members we are not isolated cases. You have until mid February. Thank you

Recovering paxil addict

None of the published articles shed light on what ssri's ... actually do or what their hazards might be. Healy 2013. 

This is so true, with anything you get on these drugs, dependance, tapering, withdrawal symptoms, side effects, just silent. And if there is something mentioned then their is a serious disconnect between what is said and reality! 

  "Every time I read of a multi-person shooting, I always presume that person had just started a SSRI or had just stopped."  Dr Mosher. Me too! 

Over two decades later, the number of antidepressant prescriptions a year is slightly more than the number of people in the Western world. Most (nine out of 10) prescriptions are for patients who faced difficulties on stopping, equating to about a tenth of the population. These patients are often advised to continue treatment because their difficulties indicate they need ongoing treatment, just as a person with diabetes needs insulin. Healy 2015

I believe the ssri era will soon stand as one of the most shameful in the history of medicine. Healy 2015

Let people help people ... in a natural, kind, non-addictive (and non-big pharma) way. J Broadley 2017

 

 

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  • Mentor
16 hours ago, nz11 said:

Happy2heal

Don't want you to miss out on a personal invite to make a submission to the Scottish govt. 

They are all ears for a window of time.

No pressure.

thanks 

nz11

details are in my drug sig.

 

will do

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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H2H -- I read through most of your journal the other day and I wanted to extend a hearty, THANK YOU! 

 

Your story is an inspiration. You're a very courageous person. I mean that. Not just saying it to say it. Bravo!

 

I hope your rats are doing well (I hope I'm remembering that you're the one with the pet rats...my brain fog fogs me up at times and I can misremember). My daughter had rats and she and my wife loved having them. I can remember she'd have one of them on her shoulder as she'd worked at her desk doing homework (my daughter, not my wife).

 

Good to hear you're road is less rocky.

 

Myndfull

 

I had tried and failed to stop Paxil several times (though never using a long, slow taper) and thought Celexa might be easier, so I shifted to Celexa in 2012. In August of 2014 I began a serious tapered withdrawal from Celexa (20 mg.), making monthly drops, mostly 10% of the last dose, sometimes more, sometimes less.  In July of 2016 I took an early retirement at 59 in large part because of my intense withdrawal  symptoms.

 

Three years and eight months after beginning my taper, I stopped taking Celexa on 5/12/18.

 

I am currently in recovery and I am very slowly getting better. I still have waves and some are quite bad. But overall the trend is toward healing.

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  • Mentor
On 2/4/2018 at 12:55 PM, myndfull said:

H2H -- I read through most of your journal the other day and I wanted to extend a hearty, THANK YOU! 

 

Your story is an inspiration. You're a very courageous person. I mean that. Not just saying it to say it. Bravo!

 

I hope your rats are doing well (I hope I'm remembering that you're the one with the pet rats...my brain fog fogs me up at times and I can misremember). My daughter had rats and she and my wife loved having them. I can remember she'd have one of them on her shoulder as she'd worked at her desk doing homework (my daughter, not my wife).

 

Good to hear you're road is less rocky.

 

Myndfull

hi Myndfull,

You're welcome, and thank you so much for your kind words. Wow, that's a lot of reading! I can't even get thru it all myself LOL

 

Yes, the rats are doing well! I have two older boys now, they are sweet but very shy. 

 

Sorry it took so long to reply,  I had a few rough days. When my brother died 3 yrs ago, I wasn't able to grieve, I'd been going up and down in my dose of lexapro and was having WD symptoms but didn't know it. 

Then I went thru my messed up (by me) taper, and now that I'm more settled, it seems that I've got some delayed grief. It seems like I am also grieving earlier losses, not just my brother but other losses too, pets and other people and even certain times in my life when things were really good. 

I think of grief as a good thing, it honors what you cared deeply about. So I'm not upset by this, but I've taken some time to alone to process it.

 

Recovery continues bit by bit. :)

It seems like maybe my brain is doing little patch up jobs, like fixing potholes or something (I'm in New England and potholes are *huge* here, lol)

 

I'll have a sudden burst of symptoms, sometimes a mix of physical things, like temp regulation stuff (suddenly very hot, then cold) or some tingling on one side of my scalp (interestingly, I think it used to be on the left side, now it's on the right) plus some neuro-emotions like anger or anxiety, etc. Sometimes I'll have a flood of old memories, things I've not thought about for years.

These are brief "episodes" that are scattered about, no pattern, just random.

 

most of the time I can handle them ok but sometimes I get overwhelmed and just want to be alone til it passes. which it does, very quickly.  :)

 

 

 

I hesitate to mention this, because I don't want to "jinx" anything... but my sleep is improving as well. I don't like to talk about this aspect of healing because it's been one of the most distressing for me (and from what I've read, for a lot of us) 

I have accepted that I may never sleep as well as I'd like; it seems many people my age complain about sleeping less than they did when they were younger. Part of this makes sense to me- you are no longer growing, you're often retired and less active, so why would you need as much sleep?

Of course in recovery, your brain is working hard to repair itself and get back to pre-drug baseline, and you want to help it out by letting it rest, but if it won't or can't, you just have to accept it. That's been one of the hardest things to accept.

 

so I'm glad that it's getting better. :)

 

I'm also getting better at figuring out what feelings are from wd/recovery, and which are real.

I have an overall sense of calm most of the time, but I do experience mild anxiety, like when meeting new people, or having to make a difficult phone call etc.

I have some flashes of wd anxiety/dread that will come on suddenly and leave just as suddenly but only if I acknowledge, accept and float.

If I try to fight it, it gets worse. If I attach too much meaning to the episode, it will hang on longer.  By that I mean, if I am suddenly feeling dread and I *THINK* : "oh no, it's back, it's like that acute stage of WD again, ohmygod, what if I get stuck back in that for months and months? other people reported that happened to them, what if it happens to me? oh no, this is awful. I can't go thru this again, I hate this, make it stop..."

IF my thinking goes on a negative track like that, *that* is when it becomes like a self fulfilling prophecy sort of thing, you know?

 

so I practice the acknowledge, accept and float whenever I can. it's hard to do, but it beats the alternative.

Every time I've tried to fight a negative spell, it only prolongs it.

Just putting this out there for others who may benefit from my experience. 

Things are gonna feel bad sometimes, but just let it be, detach from it, and float thru it. It will be over before you know it.

 

 

so here I am, in a better place once again, for most of the time.

I am feeling not only more connected to myself but also to other people.

it's been a long time since I've felt any real attachment to other people, it's nice! 

 

hold onto your good experiences, and they will grow.

this is, at least, what is working for me.

 

I just got a book called The Emotional Toolkit to help me navigate all the "new" real feelings that I'm having, as well as my new social life . So far it's a good read, I think it's going to help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
Link to comment

Understood. I like the way you clarify the meaning of grief. And that "negative track" you describe is something I deal with, too. Lately, meditation, especially in the early morning, helps to turn my thoughts toward the positive. That's always a good thing.

 

To our continued healing!

 

Myndfull

 

I had tried and failed to stop Paxil several times (though never using a long, slow taper) and thought Celexa might be easier, so I shifted to Celexa in 2012. In August of 2014 I began a serious tapered withdrawal from Celexa (20 mg.), making monthly drops, mostly 10% of the last dose, sometimes more, sometimes less.  In July of 2016 I took an early retirement at 59 in large part because of my intense withdrawal  symptoms.

 

Three years and eight months after beginning my taper, I stopped taking Celexa on 5/12/18.

 

I am currently in recovery and I am very slowly getting better. I still have waves and some are quite bad. But overall the trend is toward healing.

Link to comment
  • Mentor
17 hours ago, myndfull said:

Understood. I like the way you clarify the meaning of grief. And that "negative track" you describe is something I deal with, too. Lately, meditation, especially in the early morning, helps to turn my thoughts toward the positive. That's always a good thing.

 

To our continued healing!

 

Myndfull

 

Oh, I will have to try meditating in the morning, if I wake in a bad place... I don't know why, but I've always made the mental association between meditating and night time. Maybe because I figure it's something that would help me relax and sleep...?

but of course, it should work at any time of day. Sometimes I feel very dense, hahaha

 

 

I had something happen yesterday that has only rarely happened in the past couple of years: I fell asleep during the day. I was laying down to read and fell asleep. Next thing I knew, it was 1 1/2 hrs later!
I was glad to able to nap- it's something I always enjoyed pre-withdrawal as a pick me up in the afternoons :)

 

but... 

I woke up with the kind of dread and anxious feelings like I used to have in the mornings. 

:(

so it was a good and not-so- good thing.

 

I was worried that I'd have trouble sleeping later on, but I didn't. Overall my sleep has improved a lot in the past week or so, and it seems to be speeding up my recovery at the same time.

 

on the other hand, when I have a wave, and I do still have some here and there, they feel worse to me.

I don't know if it's because of comparing them to when things are good, or if they really are worse.  *shrug*

They don't last long very long, thankfully. Unless I give in to any anxiety about the wave lasting a long time, then, perversely, it *does* last longer, but still not very long.

 

Overall, it still feels like progress to me, and I'll take it! :)

 

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
Link to comment
  • Mentor

knock on wood, had a great day today, felt "normal" 

 

content. no anxiety. no wild temperature fluctuations. just a good day. had fun with friends. have things to look forward to. this is nice.

 

:)

 

 

 

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • Dec 2023 Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
Link to comment

Fabulous!

 

Drug free Sep. 23 2017

2009 Mar.: lexapro 10mg for headache for 2 weeks.

2009-2012: on and off 1/4 to 1/3 of 10mg

2012 June--2013 Jan,: 1/4-1/3 of 10mg generic, bad jaw pain

2013 Jan-Mar: 10 mg generic. severe jaw and head pain;

2013 Mar--Aug. started tapering (liquid ever since) from 10 to 5 (one step) then gradually down to 2.25 mg by July. first ever panic attack, severe head/jaw pain

2013 Aug.: back to 2.75 mg; Nov: back to Brand Lex. 2.75mg -- 3mg,

2014 June: stopped PPI, head pressure/numbness. up-dosed 4.5mg, severe reaction mental symptoms added on

2014 Aug--2015 Aug: Micro taper down to 3.2mg, .025mg (<1%) cut holding 2-3 weeks.

2015 Aug 15th, Accidental one dose of 4.2mg. worsening brain non-functional, swollen head, body, coma like, DR

2016 Feb., started dosing 10am through 11 pm everyday 2/13--3.2mg, 3/15-- 2.9mg, 4/19-- 2.6mg, 6/26--2.2mg, 7/22 --1.9mg, 8/16--1.8mg,8/31--1.7m g, 9/13--1.6mg, 9/27--1.5mg, 10/8--1.4mg, 10/14--1.3mg, 11/1--1.2mg, 11/29--1.1mg, 12/12--1mg, 12/22--0.9mg

2017: 1/7--0.8mg, 1/15--0.7mg, 1/17--0.6mg, 1/20--0.52, 1/21--0.4mg, 1/22--0.26, 1/23--0.2, 2/13--0.13mg, 2/20--0.06mg, 3/18--0.13mg, 6/1--0.12mg, 7/6--0.1mg, 7/14--0.08mg, 8/17--0.04mg, 8/20--0.03mg, 8/28--0.02mg, 9/6--0.0205mg, 9/8--0.02mg, 9/17--0.015mg, 9/20--0.01mg, 9/21--0.0048mg, 9/22--0.0001mg,

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  • Moderator
9 minutes ago, Happy2Heal said:

knock on wood, had a great day today, felt "normal" 

 

content. no anxiety. no wild temperature fluctuations. just a good day. had fun with friends. have things to look forward to. this is nice.

 

:)

 

 

Awesome. :)

 

PREVIOUS medications and discontinuations: Have been on medications since 1996. 

 Valium, Gabapentin, Lamictal, Prilosec and Zantac from 2000 to 2015 with a fast taper by a psychiatrist.

 Liquid Lexapro Nov, 2016 to 31-March, 2019 Lexapro free!!! (total Lexapro taper was 4 years-started with pill form)

---CURRENT MEDICATIONS:Supplements:Milk Thistle, Metamucil, Magnesium Citrate, Vitamin D3, Levothyroxine 25mcg, Vitamin C, Krill oil.

Xanax 1mg 3x day June, 2000 to 19-September, 2020 Went from .150 grams (average weight of 1 Xanax) 3x day to .003 grams 3x day. April 1, 2021 went back on 1mg a day. Started tapering May 19, 2023. July 28, 2023-approximately .87mg. Dr. fast tapered me at the end and realized he messed up. Prescribe it again and I am doing "slower than a turtle" taper.

19-September, 2020 Xanax free!!! (total Xanax taper was 15-1/2 months-1-June, 2019-19-September, 2020)

I am not a medical professional.

The suggestions I make are based on personal experience.

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Awesome!! 🤛🏻 Knock on wood

Lex  4.3mg,  3/2/18  Ativan ,5 mg,  lunesta 2 mg , toprol  25 mg                                                            

 

Oct 16-28 2018 C/O to 19 mg V from 1.5 mg Ativan, 1.3 mg lunesta 

jan 22 2019- 11 mg V

jan 23 - pneumonia, 2 AB’s. 

    Hold taper

july 5- 10.72 V

July 6- 11 mg V- ugly bad

july 11- 10.72 mg V, 4.3 lex, 

              25 mg toprol

 

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