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TeaBea

Support for spouses of SSRIs - a safe place to vent

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TeaBea   
TeaBea

Maybe there's a few of us here that could use a thread like this one--for when we can't talk to our spouses about their SSRI usage and their resulting behavior while on it and no one else understands what it's like (or even see when there's a problem).  

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hurtspouse   
hurtspouse

Hi TeaBea. Thanks for starting the thread! Just a brief description on why I'm here.

 

My partner was on Paxil for 4 years from May 2011 to May 2015. During this time he distanced himself from me and the rest of his family. He became a cold zombie. He started working more and socialising more often with new friends. When he was home, he was never interested in us and just spent all his time on his phone. When he did bother to talk to us, it was to put us down and say hurtful things. He eventually started taking up risky sports (racing) giving him more opportunity to get away from us. It all came to a head when in February last year I discovered that he not only had a secret email account full of very sexually explicit messages and photos, had been using numerous dating websites, he had also been texting clients inappropriately. Some photos he had sent were taken in our bathroom while I was dutifully preparing dinner downstairs, completely unaware. He didn't even appear to feel remorse while I cried my eyes out, and seemed more annoyed than anything. He began tapering immediately but tapered faster than is recommended on here, and was completely free by May. It has been 8 months now. During his withdrawal he has become even worse. I caught him still talking inappropriately with more women. I had to ask him to move out in late November, which he has. I've not really seen an awful lot of improvement in his physical symptoms or emotions (he is still indifferent towards me and the children). Life is hard for us because I need to start working but have been having severe anxiety and panic attacks since this whole ordeal began. I just don't know where to go from here. he is making plans to go racing again this year and continue on like normal, so I will just have to try and get on with it all on my own. The hardest thing for me is trying to keep my emotions in check when he is around. I fight with the urge to punch him and then hold him! I've never known anything so crazy in my life! I feel for anyone who has to put up with a medicated spouse, because it's like banging your head against a brick wall repeatedly. Not to mention being the only person who actually feels all the heightened emotions.

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mylifeisback   
mylifeisback

Let me give an update on my story to start with, my husband was given celexa he started off with 20 milligrams and ended with 40 sometimes doubling himself to 80 my husband was a good man worked and took care of our family always payed his bills on time and had a good reputation with his business he sometimes was mean to me and I maybe should have left years ago but I didn't. When my husband was given celexa at first I quite didn't understand what was going on he wasn't paying the bills like he was supposed to but they were getting paid slowly he told me it was because of the economy. He started taking Celexa in 2008 after the death of his son at the end of 2012 I've got the worst nightmare that anyone could ever imagine.. I was told that my husband was going to strip clubs and having sex with prostitutes it took awhile for me to find out the truth but it was true. My husband was taking our family income and being with prostitutes paying for his employees to be with prostitutes, he was drinking heavily, drugs, going to strip clubs and I would soon find out that our home was in foreclosure. I was totally devastated, it took a long time for me to get the truth out of him and what I did get out of him was no care whatsoever. My husband said that he knew something was wrong with him but he didn't know what it was and that he had tapered off of the medicine about a month before I found out the truth. After I found out the truth my husband was committed to a mental hospital because he wanted to kill himself. I spent the night in jail one night over domestic violence but all charges were dropped, I too was admitted to the mental hospital for trying to commit suicide over all the things that my husband had done with him having no care and me not understanding. I went through one year of therapy. My husband now is going through terrible withdrawal he has been in withdrawal for 3 years now. It is so very hard to understand that one little pill can destroy a family like this. The hard part for me is I'm not over what he did and now I have to take care of him going through withdrawal. I need to let my emotions out I need to heal me but that is something that I cannot do right now because he needs it more than I do. I have very little support with this because most people don't even understand. Sometimes I find myself just staring at him just wondering how could he do such a thing how could the man that I married and fell in love with do such awful stuff and watch him go through the pain of not even knowing what he's done and him knowing that there may be things that he's done that he has no idea of and then the withdrawal is just crippling him he can't even cut a board straight anymore and has been a carpenter for over 35 years. I need support for me sometimes I need somebody to say I understand what you're going through I have been there. And how do you go on living your life with a man knowing all these things that he has done. I wonder sometimes was she pretty or was she more fun than me what was it that caused him to run around on me with someone else this went on for 8 months so it wasn't someone that he just picked up and forgot about he was very close to her in his drug state of mind. How does a woman overcome this how do I live with him for the rest of my life and one day maybe let it all just be a faded memory but right now it's been three years and I still suffer daily I need help for me.

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hurtspouse   
hurtspouse

Mylifeisback I do feel your pain. I just know deep down that my SO cheated. He won't admit it, or maybe he doesn't remember. When I found the dating websites, I began thinking back over the previous 4 years and his behaviour during that time. It is hazy because I was briefly put on citalopram. But what I do remember is that he took our supply of condoms saying that he was giving them to one of his single friends as I was on the pill. A few weeks later I found a couple of loose condoms in his work van. There was other incidences but I don't want to go into more detail as just thinking of it all brings on an anxiety attack. I think that you're amazing for putting your husband first for 3 years! But it sounds like you need to put yourself first for a change. Do you have some girl friends who you could go out with? Maybe have a pampering day if you can afford it. I realise now how isolated I became from family and friends through all of this. I really need to start living again!

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mylifeisback   
mylifeisback

hurtspouse, I would love to have girl time but my husband wants me with him when I am not at work he says that he only feels safe and secure when he is with me so if I am not at work I am with him. I am lost, this is hard to explain but I carry the feelings of how I felt when I was told what he was doing. It lays heavy on my heart. I find myself drifting out of my body, my soul leaves my body and goes to the most empty lost feeling place. I guess that anyone that loves their spouse and has had infidelity in their relationship they must feel this way. Move on is what many say but if they were drugged and out of their minds and did not know that they were crazy than how do you just move on. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I feel for anyone that in counters this.

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hurtspouse   
hurtspouse

I agree, I've never struggled through anything like this before. People are beginning to talk now, neighbours are gossiping amongst themselves wondering why I 'kicked him out.' He keeps on getting mad at me wondering why I asked him to leave, as though this mess is all my fault. He still doesn't understand the impact this has had on the children and me. We are still engaged according to Facebook, but I don't know what we are anymore. I've asked if he'd like to come over for dinner this evening and he replied that he doesn't feel like it. I think I'm going to have to put a stop to always being there for him. He needs to come to his senses and realise that he misses his family. Ugh it's so hard to know how to be!! I have never felt so lost and alone...

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mylifeisback   
mylifeisback

It took my husband almost 3 years after going cold turkey to realize the impact that he had on me and our children I waited every day for him to come home and say I'm sorry that I hurt you and what I've done and it finally came one day but it was almost three years later. I feel your pain and I understand what you are going through.

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Ydgully   
Ydgully

Hi, I definitely feel the need for a place to explain life since my wife went on Citolopram, and the even more crazyness while she tapered off , and now the life of no love ,or affection ,no touching , holding ,kissing, only lots of apathy anger and rage.the anger and rage and looking like she is going to blow-up comes and goes about monthly, but the apathy never goes , i cant put my finger on it but it seems to also have somthing to do with the amount she drinks , she really has cut down since stopping the a/d as 1to 2 bottles of wine every day was the norm, now only 1 bottle every couple of days , Christmas has been difficult to say the least .

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hurtspouse   
hurtspouse

Hi Ydgully. Is your wife completely of the celexa now? If so how long? I can understand the severe mood swings you mentioned. My SO has them come up for about 1 week every month. Mine never had an alcohol problem as far as I know. It's great that your wife has started to reduce her alcohol intake. And I know what you mean about a difficult Christmas! I'm glad it's out of the way now!

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TeaBea   
TeaBea

Mylifeisback.  I do know what you mean--about being stuck with those initial feelings, when you first found out.  You can't get rid of them overnight.  And you can't really get resolution because the other person is still so effed-up.  In "normal" infidelity, I guess you fight and have it out.  You stay or you leave.  But because it's the SSRI that caused them to become this way, you can't do the "having it out" with them because of their mental state.  And if you want to leave, you don't because then YOU would feel guilty that you left them in their time of need (because this is the "in SICKNESS and in health" part of your vows).  So, not only are you now angry as hell over what happened, you're also SCARED out of your mind for what you're now understanding about their fragile mental condition and you have to keep YOUR bad feelings to yourself so you don't make it worse for them.  You're also having to find the patience that you lost a long time ago OR you become the bad one for not being understanding.....

 

It's like.....over the years of the SSRI use, we fall into despair over the new "behavior" of the spouse.  We have anger, depression, no patience for them, etc.  It builds until you're almost at your breaking point.  Some people do break and the marriages end, probably without ever knowing the SSRI caused the change that led to the breakdown in the relationship.  Others are stuck right there on the edge of the cliff, one foot over the edge.  But wait!  Then we find out, "oh, it's the med's fault".  And it truly is, but it's hard to believe at first.  It's hard to believe for a long time.....but you're lucky if you find forums like these and read others' stories.  I know those google docs from the old Topix discussion became my bible for awhile.  I read and reread them just so I could get it into my head that it really was this way.  

 

Meanwhile, the SSRI-medicated one who's lucky enough to have a spouse that is still around, who discovers this connection--one who has saved them from themselves when they would get self-destructive....starts getting off the evil med, and their minds come back to them (hopefully, at some point), all the sudden they can care again.  They're glad to be getting better.  Most (or at least some) can't believe how they behaved, say "it's not me, not who I am" (my husband's words).  They don't want to dwell on what happened because it hurts them to remember they did these things.  And now they're dealing with a really raw emotional state because of the withdrawal (no wonder some get suicidal), they need to keep it buried.  They just want to move forward.....

 

But here the spouses are, desperately trying to put that foot back on the cliff and back down it.  It just doesn't happen overnight, though. We're only human!  It was our LOVED ONES' actions that made us feel this way over a long period of time, so we're still hurt.  We need something from them, but we don't quite know what.  

 

I feel guilty reading what some of you have gone through--my husband's behavior wasn't nearly as bad (that I know of).  Still, he was approaching behavior that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to forgive.  It was the YEARS of his being a "lying alcoholic apathetic zombie" that wore down my good feelings for him, so everything he did after that just made things worse.  During the worst of his apathy towards his personal life, the worst of his drinking, I wouldn't have put anything past him if he'd been given the opportunity.  I guess in this instance, I have the other SSRI side-effect to be "thankful" (?) for--the low and no-libido and dysfunction.  

 

I also feel guilty that I didn't see what was happening.  We were married 20+ yrs and he was fine, we were fine.  Then came Effexor.  Within months I'd labeled him an alcoholic.  He became manic for a few months and got all kinds of porn and bought things (never too bad, thank goodness--so glad it didn't become gambling, etc.).  That evened off eventually, but then the apathy set in.  The drinking got progressively worse.  Bad judgement and disinhibition were the name of the game now.  

 

We relocated across the country right as he was getting really bad.  Sometimes I think if we'd stayed where we were, our old friends would've mentioned to me how much he'd changed.  Or, (very private me) I might've said something to a friend about it and they'd have pointed out to me that this was a big change in his personality.  When we got to our new place, and new friends, they had nothing to compare him to, so they couldn't recognize his change.  

 

I just had NO idea that a med could be responsible for his drinking.  I then blamed EVERYTHING ELSE on the alcohol.  After our move, he wouldn't call his mom during her last months.  He had been a self-professed mama's boy, but now he's ignoring her.  I tried to get him to call, but he just wouldn't.  That should've told me something right there.  His brother emailed me and said that mom doesn't think he loves her anymore because he won't schedule a promised visit or call her on the phone.  We fought so much over him not calling that I had to quit trying to get him to. He blamed his new position at work for distracting him and keeping him stressed out (and it was, I could see that).  He kept saying "things are getting better" except they weren't.

 

Other than causing the compulsion to drink, THE BIGGEST THING that Effexor did in regards to alcohol was to take away not only his ability to quit drinking once he started, but to keep him from telling he'd had too much--he could NOT feel a buzz coming on anymore (NOR did he have hangovers any longer).  In hindsight, it's no wonder we fought daily about this--he'd be drunk yet deny he'd had more than 3 or so beers so why shouldn't he have another....and another???  He just thought I was being controlling and keeping him from having a good time.  Because once he was drunk, I had to try and keep him home (not out driving!) or not working with his power saws, etc.  Now I know, though, why he always wanted to be in the garage doing his wood-working stuff--because that's where he hid MORE beer.  

 

One day he drank so much he simply went from seeming okay to fall-down drunk.  He'd hit his head.  I couldn't get him up, and it scared me that one minute he could walk (although I knew he was "buzzed") and the next he was flat on his back and out of it.  I had to call 911.  In the ER, he kept asking me "how did this happen?"  Over and over.  I kept saying that you KNOW how it happened--you drank too much, to which he would shake his head and ask again.  That was our wake-up.  That he couldn't tell when he'd had too much to drink.  He thinks he felt fine yet when we left 6 hrs later, he was STILL DRUNK.  Discharge papers said "acute alcohol intoxication", which I had to keep showing him to keep him from saying he'd merely fainted (which is what he told his psych. 2 weeks later).  Anyway, I started my research right then on how Effexor affects a person while taking alcohol.  Naturally, you don't find answers on "official" websites about Effexor.  Thank goodness for forums like these!

 

A year into his withdrawal, we brought him down a little too quickly to that 37.5 mg lowest-dose pill (all other step-downs were okay, but they were about 10% each drop, this one was more like 20%).  He came home from work one day and he seemed drunk.  He sat down in the bedroom before changing his clothes and sort of zoned out.  I was scared.  A few minutes later, he opened his eyes wide and said "oh wow, all the sudden I'm just here," and he looked at me strangely.  He wouldn't answer any questions (my anger had changed to worry when he said that), but then a few more minutes later he said he didn't want to scare me, but he thought it might be a good idea if I hid our guns.  I've been terrified for him ever since, and the guns will remain hidden until he's completely off.  That was a little over a year ago, and while he's not had anymore bad episodes.  That part of it is definitely better.  He says he can now tell when he's getting buzzed, too. 

 

He's at 17 mgs now.  We got down to 14, but had to go back up to 20 and start again because his anxiety was getting unbearable.  He tries to limit the Klonopin, thank goodness--saving it for big business meetings when he's afraid of panic attacks.  The anxiety seems worse than before he went on Effexor, but probably only because back then it was just something he was used to, but now he has to readjust to having "feelings" back after 9 yrs of living in Zombieland.  He still drinks more than he did pre-Effexor; I don't know if  it'll ever get back to that level, but then he's still got Effexor in him.  Maybe it takes getting it TOTALLY out of your system for it to go back to normal?  

 

His feelings towards me finally seem more pre-Effexor than not.  He got really emotional and mushy for a period right after the fog lifted from his brain (at about 50% off).  Then I'd see waves of feelings with waves of apathy again.  Now I'd say there are more good days than bad, but I still take the bad days personally.  The stress of yet another new position at work is trying on him, too.  It's always something, it seems.  I feel like if I could just talk and get everything off my chest, I'd feel better and have more patience for his setbacks.  You know--ask a few questions, get a few answers that maybe I'd feel better.  But, he doesn't remember a lot and with other stuff, he probably wouldn't be truthful for fear of making "us" worse, or hurting my feelings, or making me mad, etc.  If he's having a good window, he doesn't want me to bring up anything and make him lose the good feeling place he's enjoying and so I don't; and when he's having a really hard time with anxiety or stress at work, I can't talk about things because then I'd be making it so much more difficult on him.  So, when IS the time?  It's been over 2 yrs now since he started withdrawal, and I've still not had a real opportunity to discuss stuff.  

 

I also want him to know why I became like I did while he was on it.  I had to try and limit his drinking because it was slowly killing him, and because I worried about what he'd do while drunk. Since he couldn't feel that he was drunk when he was, he felt it perfectly acceptable to go driving to get more!  Or other things.  He was job hunting for another position during the worst of his drinking, and I had to force him off the computer because he was sending out job queries while drunk!  When I told him why, he copied me on one of them so I could see that it was okay (it wasn't! and besides, who copies a wife on a job application?).  I was afraid for his professional reputation (which has always been really good), so I was prepared to unplug the modem if I had to.  I'm sure in his state of mind/being that I was the real issue/problem in our marriage.  When I try and apologize for making him feel that way, he stops me and says I have nothing to apologize for.  NOW he can recognize that I was just trying to save him and us.  But somewhere inside, he still has to have those angry feelings towards the control-freak me.  

 

He also once told a female friend that he'd let get too close (there's that bad judgment about boundaries and disinhibition at work, and thankfully this person was 500 miles away) that I didn't sleep with him anymore.  She evidently suggested to him that I must not love him anymore--because I'd already "moved on" by having moved out of our bedroom.  I was livid--and scared that he believed that!  I had to record him on my iPhone so I could show him what he was like at night.  The Effexor had caused horrible Restless Leg Syndrome that had him jerking, kicking out, scratching around ALL night long.  It shook the bed constantly.  Oh, and never mind the sleep apnea that Effexor caused!  The loud snoring and gasping for air ALL night long.  NO one could sleep in that bed, including our cats.  Anyway, the RLS was one of the first things to fall by the wayside when he started withdrawing from the Effexor (and we'd had no idea that the med was the cause of it--I'd blamed the drinking).  When he was about 50% off the med, and he started caring about himself again, I got him into a sleep study which found he was having 110+ apnea episodes PER HOUR.  He apologized profusely to me after that study which finally proved to him that I'd only retreated to the guest room out of desperation.  

 

I just got weary in dealing with him.  No one else seemed affected by the new him (except for his mother who died thinking he didn't care about her anymore).  I envied his coworkers who got the "good" him--the sober, productive him.  The nice, charming person who cared what others thought.  My family always thought he hung the moon and walked on water, and I never told them otherwise.  If we'd split up when I'd finally had enough, no one would've understood it, and I'd have been the bad person.  I have just 1 friend who knows anything, and it's only because she saw a few things--mainly that night he'd ended up in the ER because I called her to come wait with us.  And she's seen how he acts when drunk.  Thankfully, too, she reminds me how far he's come.......

 

Wow, yeah, I have a lot to vent, too!  LOL.  Sorry!!  It feels good to spit it out, to tell somebody, even if anonymously (thankfully!).  I'm a writer and I like to write--I do not know the reader's digest version of anything.

 

Edited to add:  He went on 150 mg Effexor in mid-2006.  Was "alcoholic" by early 2007.  Didn't discover the connection Effexor had with everything, mainly alcohol, until that trip to the ER in spring 2013.  Started withdrawing by August of 2013 (his psych kept wanting him to wait until he felt settled in his new job).  Experienced suicidal ideation (when I hid the guns) in spring of 2014 when we got him to 37.5 mg.  At the time of writing this, he's been at 17 mg for 6 weeks (and we'll probably hold here indefinitely as his anxiety keeps getting worse along with job stress).  

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mylifeisback   
mylifeisback

I am going to be honest and tell you all, I really do not know if I will live with my husband a whole lot longer. I hurt too bad, I cannot deal with the fact that he has been with another. Drugs or not he did some terrible things and I really am having a hard time.

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hurtspouse   
hurtspouse

Mylifeisback I completely understand how you're feeling. I don't know if I can overcome everything myself. And there would be so much crap to overcome. He treated my 15 year old daughter terribly too (from a previous relationship, and she looks just like me) and with a look of pure hatred he called her a c*** and said that he hated her. I admire you for trying your best. But we only get one life. We want our partners well and happy. But why should that be at the expense of our own happiness? These thoughts go round and round in my head every day. I don't believe it is selfish to move on from the mayhem, or just take a step back. My partner will always be in my life because of the kids, and I can still care and offer support. But from a safe distance.

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mylifeisback   
mylifeisback

hurtspouse thank you for your response, sometimes I feel totally lost in all of this craziness. My husband was also so mean to our children my daughter would come home from college and ask me where is my daddy because that man is not my daddy. And my son asked him many times what kind of father are you? None of us knew he was messed up. All of this kind of stuff is inside of my mind and I just can't seem to let it go, he did so much and I am like you I cannot talk to him about it because he is in such a bad state. So here I am with all of this inside of me. It's making me crazy. I just want my happy days back but I am afraid that they are gone.

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hurtspouse   
hurtspouse

It does feel that way most days doesn't it? Perhaps rather than making any rash decisions, you could back away a bit? Be less available to him. Then he will be forced to start being more proactive in his own health and wellbeing. He will (hopefully) then realise just how much you've always done for him. If you start to back away, it might make him realise that the relationship can't continue being one sided and that he has to contribute more. just a suggestion

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Ydgully   
Ydgully

Hello hs my wife took her last citlopram 10mg on or around 3 September 2015 , it was a bit messy around that time as we had a argument about her coming off the a/d,

I kept a log of when she had taken them and when i told her she hid them . Her taper was very erattic she would not talk about it , only kept going on about how we dont have a relationship and how she was leaving me and taking the kids and wanted a divorce, and how i was making her feel worse by not moving out, nothing she said made sense to me.

I still want the best for her , but now my feelings take priority, i too feel lost and alone sometimes doctors and marriage therapists don't believe these drugs have effects, they say talk to each other but how do you talk to someone who wont talk about their feelings.? Stay strong and look on the brightside . feelings are there for a reason .

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TeaBea   
TeaBea

MLB:  I feel so badly for you.  You’re a strong person to even still be with him after all that.  That’s a hard pill to swallow, and I don’t know what I’d do in the same situation.  You do have to look out for yourself.  In your husband’s condition, he obviously cannot lookout for someone else—heck, he can barely do it for himself.  

 
I don’t think my husband went that far, but I think he might have eventually.  A few months before “Rock Bottom” and “Discovery” (of the med’s involvement in everything we were going through) for us, he had his first med increase since the beginning, and it pushed him into a manic phase and the drinking got even worse.  He was on that higher dose for several months and decided it didn’t do him any good, so he dropped it back down abruptly.  Around “Rock Bottom”, I discovered he was inappropriately emailing some old co-workers—we’d already gone through this with an old female friend a year or so before (but thankfully she lived a thousand miles away).  He would drink and get on the computer at night and get mushy and flirtatious and probably bashing the mean old wife who was “controlling” (of his favorite pastime—drinking).  I think if he’d been in a bar and doing it, who knows where it would’ve gone.  He was definitely headed for (or was in) an emotional affair or two which I put the brakes on and monitored until his withdrawal kicked-in (or not—then I was prepared to have it out with him).  That’s when he came to me (50% off the med and fog lifting) and said that “those emails?  that’s not me; it’s not who I am.”  He said that while still under the effect of the med, he would’ve argued that, saying that of course it was him—he was doing it, after all.  He said it simply couldn’t register with him that he was doing something wrong….or that he didn’t care.  He just wanted to “feel better”.  He wanted to FEEL.  I guess flirting gave him a high, and of course, the disinhibition created by the alcohol/effexor cocktail allowed it.  
 
I read that the drug messes with dopamine in the brain, which is the chemical responsible for the feeling of being in love and staying in love.  The body seeks dopamine when it’s depleted.  They get a hit of it when they do something novel or risky.  Alcohol can also give a dopamine boost.  Hence the alcohol cravings, the risky behavior.  
 
If you and your husband had a decent marriage before all this crap, then you have to know that it was Celexa that hijacked your husband’s brain, his thinking.  He was coming from a low animal level and could NOT care about whether or not it was right or wrong or who it might be hurting.  He had to have been miserable during Celexa (I know my husband was) and was just seeking something to make him “feel”.  It had nothing to do with you.  If he was worth it before Celexa, he probably still is.  Somewhere inside, there is still the man you married and loved.  
 
If it were a “normal” affair, you’d probably be able to heal more easily (if you chose to stay) because you could do all the normal things a COUPLE does to heal from it, but in your case, you can’t because of your husband’s delicate mental condition.  
 
In the end, you just need to look out for yourself.  Only you know what and how much you can handle.  Only you know how much you’ve already put out over the last 3 years.  If the shoe were on the other foot, how much could HE forgive and forget?  Can he discuss this with you at all?  
 
Do you know what you want—or are you still trying to figure that?  If you want to keep trying, then you need to find a way to convince yourself that it IS Celexa’s fault (because it is).  Read all those SSRI stories on google docs (early in the other thread) over and over to prove it to yourself.  Then somehow try and find a way to look forward and not backward.  You can’t go forward with one foot in the past (I know—I keep doing that!).
 
One of my favorite quotes goes something like this:  No one can go back and get a new beginning, but everyone can start right now and create a new ending.  
 
Where you end up does not have to have anything to do with what has happened.  You can always get to where you want to go, no matter where you are right now, but you have to let the future pull you there without the past pulling you backwards.  Find something redeeming in him and just “gratitude it” to death.  Find the next best feeling thought.  
 
Look up EFT.  Emotional Freedom Technique.  I learned it via the founder, Gary Craig, but he’s retired from it now.  However, many are carrying the torch.  I see the name Dawson Church a lot in connection to it.  It’s helped me with a few issues myself.  I use it on my husband (he won’t do it for himself), and he says it’s very relaxing.  We need to do it more, but I’ve been reluctant for some strange reason.  Seems like so much work when I just want to worry about myself and not him.  
 
Gosh, all I know how to write are novels…… so that’s it for now.  

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mylifeisback   
mylifeisback

Tea Beach I thank you for responding and your help.my husband gets very upset if I tried to talk to him. He says it really hurts his feelings to hear about it. The other night we started to watch a movie that we both really wanted to watch it was in about an attorney the attorney was starting to cheat on his wife, he instantly changed the channel.I know it was the drugs, my heart is just in a mess.I know that I have to put the past where it belongs but that is hard. One thing I can tell you is that he is now a better husband than he ever has and he does everything in his power to make me happy and he asks me all odds th= time"are you happy" I asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he said " I just want you to be happy" I hope one day I will be happy and the past will stay where it belongs.

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mylifeisback   
mylifeisback

Just wanted to touch base and let everyone know that I am having good days.I have had a good week.

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Coopergirl1   
Coopergirl1

So happy for you♡

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hurtspouse   
hurtspouse

That's great news mylifeisback! I hope it continues for you both. Still no change here *sigh. He's still jekll and Hyde. Hyde came for a visit this evening ????

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TeaBea   
TeaBea

Hi MLB--that's good news.  "Milk" the good days and do your best to just let the bad ones disappear with as little thought to them as possible.  One day you'll be able to look back and realize how far you've come and that there are more good days than bad.  I've realized that in our house, hubby is so much better (relationship-wise).  However, my feelings haven't moved along as quickly.  One bad moment with him is like 10 giant steps backwards and he doesn't understand it. I realize then that it's MY thinking that's stuck and having trouble moving on.  The way he was is in the past, it's over (with the exception of some hiccups along the way), but I keep it in the present in my own mind.  I can't imagine that if I have a hard time with some things, that others with the troubles like you have had, have it so much worse.  

 

Relationship problems only come up now when he takes a step down on the med.  One freakin tiny little bead can cause such upheaval for over a week before we regain our equilibrium.  And for a couple weeks more, I can see him struggle more with anxiety and anger/irritability (which I'm usually the victim of).  He's been holding at 17 little beads for 2 months now, and we need to hold here for 3 more months because of a huge project at work that he's already way too anxious about.  

 

He was a really good man before all this, and he still is.  At his core, he never changed.  I'm sure most folks never noticed anything wrong with him, but they weren't married to him.  He would function at work then let it all go coming home--drink....then all that led to.  I didn't get to see the good side anymore.  I still greet him at the door when he comes in at night--I look him in the eyes to see who's coming home, my sober husband or the Effexor-spurred drunk one.  It's been 7-8 months since it was the latter, and then it was the only instance in 5 months or so.  To me, that's the most important HUGE improvement--that he's finally in control and not his Effexor brain.  NOT that he doesn't drink, he does--but he's controlling it whereas before the alcohol was.  

 

I'm still scared of the withdrawals, though, because there's still so much left to go.  It's certainly not a "therapeutic level", but it obviously does still affect the brain.  What if during one of the step-downs he "falls down" and can't get back up?  Just like his anger/irritability waxes and wanes, so too does it seem to me that his affections take a hit, also.  And then that last step off the med completely..... if we ever get there!  

 

We're just weary from this.  Could the makers of this drug EVER conceive these scenarios?  

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ang   
ang

Hello everyone,  lovely thread.  I wish you all well.  In my case I was on effexor, yep end of a near 30 year marriage.   I go through the grief of it every day.    I have been off effexor 3 years, off zoloft 18 months, and as the brain comes back, the old real personality, life is so hard, but I do not blame myself, I blame the effexor.                  So forgive your partners, too late for my partner now, he has moved on.            If you cant live with them, separated, but give them three years if they get off the stuff, the old person does return.

 

As for the drinking, yes, that is ADs nasty little partner, drinking, and blackouts.            Of course the psychs etc, blame the drinking, because they didnt presecribe that one!  They never blame their horrible mind bender pills.   The pills cause suicides.     As for me, I am still going through the grief of loss stage.      Life goes on, a lot wiser.

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Suzq   
Suzq

It's like.....over the years of the SSRI use, we fall into despair over the new "behavior" of the spouse. We have anger, depression, no patience for them, etc. It builds until you're almost at your breaking point. Some people do break and the marriages end, probably without ever knowing the SSRI caused the change that led to the breakdown in the relationship. Others are stuck right there on the edge of the cliff, one foot over the edge. But wait! Then we find out, "oh, it's the med's fault". And it truly is, but it's hard to believe at first. It's hard to believe for a long time.....but you're lucky if you find forums like these and read others' stories. I know those google docs from the old Topix discussion became my bible for awhile. I read and reread them just so I could get it into my head that it really was this way.

 

TeaBea you are right. I am so glad that I found this forum.

Nearly everything you said in your post is exactly where I am at at the moment with my spouse. Particularly the above quote. Thank you for sharing your experience.

 

He was a truely wonderful husband (& hopefully can be again). People looked up to our relationship & wanted to be as happy & close as we still were after 27 years of marriage. We were each other's rock. I'm determined not to give up on him.

 

Fortunately (if I can call it fortune) my spouse has never been a drinker but he does use pot daily. Regular use of pot is not going to improve his anxiety, his lack of libido or his emotional distance but his apathy whilst smoking does reduce his instances of rage & makes him less inclined to stray.

 

Here is an excerpt from a post I wrote on the Aussie Page which might help to explain what stage my spouse & I am at.

 

I removed myself from our family home last Friday night & I'm staying with friends. I felt like I was butting my head against a brick wall & was letting the frustration of his non responsiveness get the better of me. I believe that anther week of dealing with his mood swings & rages would have sent me off the deep end too. Plus my attitude before understanding that my beautiful husband of 27 years was under an evil spell was not helping.

 

I had no contact with him until Wednesday but after reading so many stories on this forum I decided to ask him out on a date this Friday night. His response was positive & he has booked a table somewhere (a surprise). One positive step at a time.

 

I'm hoping that in the coming weeks he will be responsive enough for me to suggest that he visits this site. But I won't bring it up on our date as I want it to be as exciting & positive as possible (don't want to spoil it). He might even experience a boost of dopamine seeing me after my week of absence which might help with his responsiveness.

 

I'm hoping that tomorrow night will be our first tentative step back down off the cliff. Wish me luck.

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Suzq   
Suzq

It does feel that way most days doesn't it? Perhaps rather than making any rash decisions, you could back away a bit? Be less available to him. Then he will be forced to start being more proactive in his own health and wellbeing. He will (hopefully) then realise just how much you've always done for him. If you start to back away, it might make him realise that the relationship can't continue being one sided and that he has to contribute more. just a suggestion

Yep, that was my reason for walking out last Friday night without even saying goodbye. It was not my intention to leave him, I just needed to get out. If I'd stayed then it would have just been one more argument where I accused him of being detached and avoidative and he blamed me for his misery.

 

I needed to see if he would rise to the challenge & make some effort & get involved. I think perhaps I was enabling him to stay 'switched off' cause from all reports he is making an effort at home in my absence. My teenage children have sent me snapchats of the well presented, healthy meals he has cooked each night and he has been watering my garden & going for daily push bike rides. He's also made several attempts at humor in his brief texts & I'm told that he's excited about catching up with me on Friday.

 

There is still a long way to go but at least I know now that it is still possible for him to take pride in something & enjoy doing simple things. I'm hopeful that this break we are having has lifted the fog enough for him to see that he has to start making moves to wean himself off the SSRIs and reclaim his life back.

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hurtspouse   
hurtspouse

My SO is having terrible withdrawals at the moment and had to skip work today. I went over to speak to his mum (he was still in bed) and to drop off a few supplement that I thought might help him. It is so f*^*ing cruel that so many families are going through this!! Years it has stolen from us and for what?! Bloody greed! We should be married by now, maybe even have another child, planning a nice family holiday and creating memories together. But here we are suffering every f***ing day!!! I love him so bloody much. But he's going though so much s**t that he doesn't even know how he feels or what he wants. My youngest often cries for her daddy and doesn't understand what's going on. She's not the only one!!

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Suzq   
Suzq

Hi Hurtspouse,

 

I have been reading your posts and it's heartbreaking.

 

It boils my blood to think that corporations and shareholders make bucket loads of money out of other people's misery.

 

We are brought up/conditioned to trust doctors and governments. If only myhubby's doctor wasn't so keen to push a packet of pills in his face when he was scared and vulnerable.

 

Thanks to the wonder of the World Wide Web we can gather information and receive support from those who are/have experienced what we are going through and understand.

 

I am so glad that I found this site whilst scouting for information. This site is the best of them by far.

We are here to support each other to stay brave and shed a glimmer of hope.

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mylifeisback   
mylifeisback

I want so bad for all of the pain that I am going through because of his infidelity on Celexa to go away. I have nightmares of different women that he may have been with. I don't know what to do I'm tired of being upset about this. I'm scared to leave because in the end and they have really wanted to be here but as I feel right now I want to divorce what do I do

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mylifeisback   
mylifeisback

I was talking and typing sorry for the wrong wording. I am afraid to leave because after I do I may regret it. Don't think just paint is ever going to go away its been 3 years and I'm driving myself and everyone else around me crazy. Why can't I overcome this? Is anyone else having this hard of a time dealing with what their spouse did on SSRIs? Maybe I should just leave get my own house and try to start over I wonder if that would help me? I can't talked to him about it because if I do he instantly gets mad he said its because he is hurt.

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TeaBea   
TeaBea

I know that in my own case, I *think* I just want a chance to talk to him about all the crap that we (I) went through while he was in drinking / apathy land (because it was 8 yrs worth of living there!).  I want him to know how mad/hurt/upset/angry HE made ME.  I mean--I want to get it ALL off my chest.  I want to tell him he wasn't "respectable" (by me, the wife) during that time, and that's why I wasn't a "nice" wife back to him at times.  That if he thought I was a nagging, bossy wife, it was because I was trying to save him from himself (by not letting him do certain actions while drunk, or to keep on drinking....).  I just want to feel "heard".  I became an angry person while he was on the med.....it's been hard trying to overcome that (this happening just as menopausal changes started didn't help!).  

 

When the fog cleared from his mind and he realized some of the things he'd done, he issued a blanket apology (and yes, it was heartfelt, and I know he meant it, with tears in his eyes), and he said that person (on Effexor) "wasn't him, it's not who he is" and that he's grateful I was able to handle it and stay because he doesn't know what he'd do without me, etc.  I tried to apologize for the time I stepped in and put an end to an old opposite-sex friendship because of how he'd conducted it while shutting me out (in his state, I didn't know how far he'd try to go, and he was so secretive about everything then), but he said he didn't want to hear it (what I'd done), that I have nothing to apologize for.  

 

He thinks all that should be enough--a blanket "I'm sorry", and maybe it should be?  Then why do I need to talk about it?  I feel like the bad person for just wanting to talk about it with HIM.  I think women--especially women like you, mylifeisback, who have SO MUCH they need to be able to forgive and get past--need to discuss and analyze things, over and over, from all angles, before they can process it and compartmentalize it.  We need to get all the pieces of the puzzle together before we can store away the finished image.  Some of us will never get all those pieces, and those little blanks make us wonder--do we know all there is to know, etc.?  During times where we get "triggered" by something in our husband's behavior, we drag out these incomplete puzzles and mull them over, trying to fill in those blank spots (I'm afraid of a few of ours).  Doing this keeps us IN the hurt spot.  It's like it's happening all over again as we dredge all that old crap back up.  And logically we know that now WE are the ones doing it to ourselves.  WE are the ones hurting ourselves by our constant thinking and dwelling on what happened.  The spouses are (hopefully) better, but in a way, we resent this ability of theirs to just move on.... when dang it, we're still hurting because of them.  If it's not still happening, though, then it's us doing it to ourselves.  And then, well crap--this makes us feel that much worse!

 

We need to feel free to voice our hurt and anger TO THEM, but most of us don't because, thanks to the drug, they're in a fragile mental state.  I know if I try to talk to my husband, he gets all upset (it's hard to describe--but it's the kind where you know you're treading on thin ice and risk making things worse for them/us) because his emotions are right on the edge all the time now.  AND, he's under tremendous stress at work--he needs all this energy to go towards being able to handle work stress (because now he's doing it med-free).  AAARRRGH.  

 

I've held onto things for 2.5+ years now--because at first, he was still under the influence of Effexor, but then when he was finally clear-minded, he was under intense anxiety because of all the emotions that he was now available to feel.  Then work got too stressful.....and so I wait.  I'm sure when I do feel like it's safe to bring up the need for a real discussion, he'll make me feel like I'm a horrible person for bring up stuff that's "ancient history".  He doesn't understand that because he does still drink (but thankfully not to excess daily anymore, yea) when we go to "parties", he still has much more lowered inhibitions (than prior to Effexor), and that sets me off all over again.  Maybe with more time, I'll be able to let it go (and I realize I'm actually better already).  I think that if he stopped drinking altogether, things would be 99% better.  

 

I wonder, MLB, if our husbands are being a bit passive-aggressive with us by saying they can't talk with us about it because they're so hurt, and they know we are good people who don't want to make it worse on them, so they can use that excuse to get out of a painful situation. I begged for counseling so we could learn how to safely discuss all this stuff, but he said he just couldn't--he said he was afraid that someone might try and convince me we shouldn't be together and that he'd come home and shoot himself (that was when he was just past the point of where he got his feelings back).  I know that's when I started stuffing my feelings down inside because I got afraid for him.

 

What do you think would be the biggest regret for yourself:  staying with him and remaining upset (which, hopefully, would get better over time) OR leaving him and one day wondering if you'd done enough.  Which regret would feel the worst on your deathbed?  Have you done all you can such that you wouldn't have that particular regret?  He has to help, too, though, and if he won't then you have to look out for yourself.  I know that just before I finally figured out that Effexor was the cause of all our crap and his drinking, I was wondering how I'd be able to live that way for another 25 yrs.  The thought of him in retirement and underfoot drinking ALL day long was more than I could think about handling.  It sounded like a jail sentence.  I personally thought that the drinking part was taken care of in the vow of "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health", but when he acted out and wrote others inappropriately (and who knows where he wanted it to lead), HE was breaking the most important vow (to me).  I don't know how I'd react then because there ARE different levels of "affairs", and they all hurt.  And like I said, who knows what all went on before I caught on to him.  He quit all that when his fog lifted and his brain cleared, but once you've had that 100% trust and faith in your spouse broken, you don't get that back to its original state. 

 

I realize what I'm about to write is advice I've yet been able to fully implement myself, so take it or leave it, but.......  Our spouses HAVE to help us, and we have to make them (because Lord knows they don't want to bring it up if WE are keeping quiet about it).  If we've stuck by them when they were apathetic to us, when they'd become alcoholics, when they were having any types of affairs, when they were spending away our savings, then by golly, THEY OWE us, IF they want us to continue staying with them, they owe us the decency of doing whatever it takes to make us understand what went on, how it happened, etc.  They need to let us vent to them, they need to make us feel that WE matter, too.  If they can't do this little bit, then why should we continue on with them?  You need to find a way to let your husband know you need answers, DESERVE answers from him, even if it hurts him to remember.  If he can re-process that thought into the thought that it's for the best interest of your marriage (that he says he wants to preserve), then he should want to do it.  It's time for him to man-up and give to you whatever YOU need to heal.  You are hurt, just like him.  

 

​Maybe you can write it all down.  Re-write it until you can say it without attacking him and then have him read it.  Tell him it's this way, or it's face-to-face, his choice.  That you want to be heard (and that you might need to be heard a few times, over-and-over again).  I've been trying to write it all down (and hence why I ended up back on this forum last month or so), and it helps me to process, it too, as I write and re-write (helps me to come up with a more gentle thought on the same "incident").  

 

Maybe involving a marriage counselor (sorry, I don't recall all your history, and maybe you've done this) as a mediator only--so you can safely get stuff off your chest and so he/she'd be there for your husband if he becomes unable to handle what you're saying....or to help him to understand the importance of helping you through all this.  

 

Sorry....turning into another novel......

Hope you're having a "better" day!

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mylifeisback   
mylifeisback

Thanks Tea Beach for responding,you made me feel a little better.I bought a little puppy today to help keep my mind occupied.

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TobinEU   
TobinEU

Even uder influence of antidepressants since my breakdown year and half ago I noticed that I have urgent need to leave my wife.It was repeting over and over.I was angry to her and was blaming her that my depression is her fault.We nearly get divorced,I moved to my mother.Strange was that after couple of months we started dating,we went on vacations and than moved back together,but than history repeated.So I started google and found web which explains why I do behave that way(storiedmind.com).It is caused by meds and depression,not by you.Since that I dont let this happen again to my family.You can find there many stories similar to mine or yours.Happy ending is possible.Me and my wife are now fine even Im not healthy yet.When these moments of anger come up we know and we overcome that.Sorry for my english and have hope!

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hurtspouse   
hurtspouse

Hi suzq. I apologise for just having a rant and then running! It was one of those days. I wish you all the luck in the world with your relationship, and hope your husband can taper slowly with the minimal side effects.

 

I'm just having a really hard time at the moment because my rock through all of this mess has been my sister. She has now just stopped taking citalopram after tapering for 6 months and is struggling. It just seems to be everywhere I look. SO's mother has tapered her 60mg of Prozac down to 20mg since the s**t hit the fan with us. Everyone is listening to me when I explain what these drugs do (I seem to have a knack for getting my point across!) but the trouble now is that I'm surrounded by people in withdrawals! It's all getting to me a bit some days.

 

I hope everyone is having a better week. Remember to take happiness from any place you can find it! I found some today in a lush store! ????

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Suzq   
Suzq

The last two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. I finally have a moment to myself to write about Date Night, which went quite well, in the end.

 

Background: A few weeks ago on a Friday night I walked out of the family home. I just had to remove myself from the situation. I couldn't see clearly and I wasn't making supportive choices for my DP (hubby). Our relationship had hit a brick wall. His non responsiveness was driving my head in and we had lost 25 years of intimacy (really good intimacy may I add).

 

While I was away he made no attempt to contact me directly although information about the day to day running of the household was relayed by my teenage children. Through them I also found out that he missed me and wanted me to come home.

 

On the Tuesday I initiated contact by inviting him on a dinner date on Friday. Although I missed him badly I chose to delay the face to face contact. My aim was to give us something to look forward plus I still didn't feel strong enough to handle his accusations and blame and take it on the chin. We needed to cool off.

 

As the week progresses I found I was enjoying planning how the night could go. I knew I wanted to look my best. The first day I treated myself to a hair trim and the next day I got my eyebrows waxed. These little treats made me feel good and the better I felt, the more excited I became about catching up. I didn't realise how I much I had let myself go. The slow, grinding exhaustion had got the better of me. Finally I treated myself to a new dress. I chose carefully, making sure I chose something that he would like that was also comfortable and not too expensive (downtime dealing with depression stretches the bank balance). I got one of my daughters to grab my shoes and my make up from home.

 

Date night: I manage to knock off work an hour early (always a nice feeling) which allowed me to take a nap and have a snack before I had to get ready. I wanted to make sure I was feeling good internally as well as looking good externally. The two are intrinsically connected. When you feel good you automatically look good.

 

I had been staying with a close friend of ours. I'd spoken to them honestly about what we were going through and they have been very supportive. DP was due to arrive at 7 so I purposely stayed in the bathroom putting on my lipstick and shoes when he arrived. This allowed our friend to greet him and break the ice.

 

Yes, things were a little awkward, neither knowing what the others first reactions were going to be. He told me I looked stunning and I rewarded him with a smile. Definitely a positive start as smiles and compliments release feel good chemicals for the giver and the receiver.

 

Off we went. Conversation was stilted

to begin with. "What's new" "not much", silence..... But then the conversation became broader and we started to relax a little, realising that neither of us wanted to spoil things with accusations and demands. We talked about big news events and things our friends had been up to but not about family, work or us. We were both keenly aware that bringing these subjects up could trigger negative thoughts.

 

Dinner was nice (one of our favourite restaurants) but the whole experience still felt empty. I desperately wanted, needed to discuss how we'd felt over the past 7 days apart and if there might be a future for us but I was determined to avoid talking about 'feelings' as I knew he would immediately shut down and that would be the end of our 'nice' night.

 

Despite my best efforts, work, family and feelings crept into the conversation and the next minute I was crying (in public, in front of him). I had been determined not to appear emotionally needy. I felt very disappointed in myself.

 

Surprisingly he didn't get angry or distant about my silent tears. He actually reached out and placed his hand over mine. It's been many years since he's cared about my tears or comforted me. It took all my will power not to cry even more because of this.

 

I pulled myself together and we left shortly afterwards. His arm lightly around my waist as we walked to the car. I felt elated but kept reminding myself that it was only temporary and this wasn't a magic fix.

 

We discussed what to do next in our night. Both agreeing that we didn't want to go to a bar. I got the clear impression that he wanted to take me home but I definitely wasn't ready for that. Then out of the blue we received a call from some old friends who were having quiet drinks and wanted our company. We both agreed that we could handle doing that.

 

We were in no rush so on the way we stopped at the beach and went for a walk (this is something else we've not done in a long while). It was nice. The night was warm and dark and we laughingly talked about swimming in chilly Tasmania. On the spur of the moment I'd shed my clothes and jumped in the water. He had no choice but to follow (he'd never skinny dipped before). We were both giggling and feeling immature and free. It was cool in the water despite the proceeding warm days so we held each other. The 'risk' factor made us both feel good.

 

Grabbing our clothes and dripping wet we ran back to the car and head to our friends place where we stayed for a couple of hours, then he whispered to me that all our kids were away that night and he would like to take me home.

 

Needless to say for the first time in a long while our brains secreted oxytocin and dopamine until the early hours of the morning and as we had no commitments the next day we were able to sleep in. It was more that I had hoped for to spend a morning cuddled up to the one love of my life after a night of physical connection and although I knew we weren't magically fixed, in that moment I allowed myself to pretend it was. I forced myself not to put pressure on him and talk about feelings or the coming weeks but I did express how nice it was to be doing this together.

 

Afterwards: It was the Australia Day long weekend so we gave ourselves an extra day off. During the following four days we relaxed and did some chores around the house (together). We both took pleasure in achieving small goals and having discussions about achieving them. I can't recall the last time we did this.

 

Now: Since then we've had good days and bad days. Some days he's moody and withdrawn. He still angers easily at the slightest hint of pressure and he had a rage at one of the kids (she left the house to stay with a friend for a few days but she's back now). She asked me how I can deal with him. I've decided now that keeping his depression secret from the kids is no longer an option. They are all old enough to understand and have a right to know why their dad is not himself.

 

He wants me near him all the time now, which is hard because I need time to myself, but I can deal with that for now and if he needs me then that's good? Right? I've taken opportunities to briefly talk about my needs and the needs of the family and also about what future steps he's going to take about treating his depression but I'm careful to make the conversations brief. When he starts to shut down I quickly change the conversation. He touched briefly on what he's going through and what triggered his anxiety and depression. He also explained that he is scared of me but didn't explain why. Maybe in the future he will explain more. I also got to explain that I was feeling broken and exhausted. This is great. It's communication even if only in brief sentences.

 

Despite the bad days he's still displaying limited affection and empathy to me and he's reached out to hold my hand or stroke my neck several times. We've even managed another oxytocin and dopamine moment and the other day he wiped the tears from my face (I try not to cry but sometimes it's just not possible). I can't express how wonderful that felt.

 

Conclusion: I think that we have made a positive turn around with our relationship and his recovery. I'm not sure what has been the catalyst for this. Was it the 'wake up call' of me walking out, the anticipation of catching up, the 'risk taking', the stress free time spent together or the deep underlying love that obviously still exists. What ever it is, I've determined that I'm going to take each hour as it comes and I'm going to take care of myself so that I can stay strong for both of us. I will keep researching about this disease and reading about the experiences of others who understand what we are going through so that I can appreciate and stay patient while my hubby slowly heals. I will stop questioning and blaming myself, focus on the good days and try to be quiet and contemplative on the bad days.

 

The black dog is slinking in the shadows. He is eyeing us hungrily but if we don't feed him he will slowly waste away to a shadow.

 

The best part? We are now attacking this together. Every day is the first day of our new life together, what ever it may bring. For better or worse. We are going to have bad days but we will have good ones too. I'm trying not to have expectations and I'm teaching myself to not sweat the small stuff and to appreciate every small step forward.

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Suzq   
Suzq

HeyTobinEU. I can't thank you enough for suggesting I check out Storiedmind blog. It really helped me understand more about what is going on and made me decide to stay and try in our relationship for a bit longer which appears to be paying off for us so far.

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Suzq   
Suzq

How are you feeling this week Hurtspouse? Better I hope.

I've had an up and down week but overall the result has been more up than down but I'm starting to wonder if the stress of dealing with my DP and holding the family unit together is starting to depress me.

How do you cope and hold it together? Any hints?

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hurtspouse   
hurtspouse

I'm pleased that you've been having some better days suzq. Has your partner agreed to start tapering his AD's?

 

I'm ok, I did discover that my SO is still doing strange behaviour 9 months off his pills. I saw on Twitter that he'd been liking disgusting swinging photos. My reaction was sympathy. Anyone who follows him can see it, and he even liked a photo of another mans private parts!! He feels humiliated, he thanked me for telling him so he could take it down. The trouble is it has been on there for a while so now he's wondering who else may have seen it. Oh and he honestly doesn't remember looking at any of that stuff and he really thinks that someone may have hacked his account!

 

It's so difficult trying to be understanding and sympathetic when I'm hurting too. But this latest episode has helped me to understand just how much the pills have messed up his way of thinking. He really is unwell.

 

I have good days and bad. I'm normally a very strong person and rarely cry. It all built up today when a Friend asked me what I was doing for Valentine's Day. I just burst into tears. It felt good to get it out. But yeah now I'm wondering WTH am I going to do about Valentine's Day?! It's so hard to know how to be. Do I buy him a gift or wait for him to make the first move?! This whole situation is so messed up.

 

The only advice I can offer is to enjoy your children, cuddle and kiss them as much as you can. Get out and about with them, making nice memories. Every morning and every evening, count your blessings. Write them down if it helps. And add to that list every day. When you're having a really difficult day, go back and read your list of blessings. It sounds really simple, but it works!

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