grandmaD: turtle here

[grandmaD]

Just a quick update.  I wasn’t going to bother, because I was not convinced the muscle spasms were from withdrawal, but in case  someone else experiences similar spasms (lower back and ribcage) I decided I would continue to post updates.

1.  I just about sent myself crazy trying to figure out if these spasms were a result of my osteo-arthrosis, because I have osteoporosis, degeneration of bones in the spine, facet joint arthrosis, some in the hip and a couple of discs with lessened height and bulges. So this is very feasible.
2. It could be withdrawal.  I began having back spasms the minute I began a 10% taper and they were sporadic throughout withdrawal but not until the last few years have begun to be more frequent,and then this year, every month and very painful and debilitating. So this too, is feasible.
3. The other thing I kept grappling with was that it was for painful lower back spasms that I was put on Paxil for in the first place (1995) when I was bedridden for 6 months and quite invalided for a further 6 months and not able to function. The Paxil definitely helped with the pain and I wonder now, if it has covered up the pain and the spasms until now I am down to a low dose and they are still there/never went away?  Without the pain-relief aspect, I am now feeling them?  This feels just like it felt way back then.
4. Could it have something to do with with the Serapax and Doxylamine Succinate and Night Mercyndol I take?  So I stopped them all.  3 weeks off Serapax and 2 weeks now off Night Mercyndol.

 

Several weeks after that last severe back spasm I went to my regular doctor who said it was my osteo and left with a script for “Cymbalta” and one for Serapax (1 a day).  I tore the script up.  I felt desperate and confused and frightened as these spasms are very painful and afterwards my back is usually very “icky” and I am scared another one can hit me.  Still I had no clue as to the cause of the spasms.

 

After 9 weeks I was beginning to walk confidently again, but I was still having mild to mod “mini-spasms,” every second day which really got me down.  Still unable to do housework or bend over, etc. I decided to sweep the floor and then came another severe lower back spasm sending me to the couch again.  This really did me in, causing a dive into depression and fear.

 

Not coping, I got myself a new doctor and she sent me off for a CatScan of my lower spine.  I thought if it came back saying my back was broken, I would know what was wrong, because this is how it feels!  I also thought it would prove the “osteo” theory and I could be content.  I will return with the results of the scan and further update.

[grandmaD]

Okay, the results of the scan showed up osteo-arthritits, and with two more discs showing degeneration.  However it said no neural compromise, and it sure feels like a pinched nerve to me!  I decided that I just have to live with this new pain and constant aching and having spasms and mini-spasms every second day.  It is very disabling.  Despite that, I still couldn’t understand why suddenly, since January this year all this has deteriorated so suddenly or whether that is, in fact, normal for osteo.

 

I had another bad muscle spasm and two days later I couldn’t roll over in bed or get out.  I got quite depressed over all this constant pain and immobility.  I thought I was bad before, but believe me, things can always get much worse and you don’t realise it!

 

I decided not to wait for the 3 weeks to go back to the new doctor but got in as urgent and miraculously even saw the same doctor, as she was the only one on that day.  To my amazement, she said she had looked at the results of the scan and couldn’t see any evidence to say that what I have been experiencing is due to the osteo! I nearly fell off my chair!  She went on to say she didn’t know what was causing all the spasms, pain and aching.

 

Since DLB had mentioned that the cortisol can affect muscles and cause aching backs, I wondered if it could cause muscle spasms also and did some research and found that the constant adrenaline can, in fact, affect the muscles and cause constant anxiety.  So I wondered if the anxiety could make the muscles spasm.

 

So I asked her if she thought the spasms could be due to anxiety but she didn’t think so, so I told her what I always have to say when they can find nothing wrong that it must be due to withdrawal.  I nearly fell off my chair again when she said that withdrawal can do it! then she wanted to know what I was withdrawing from and why I was put on it (first one to ask that question!)

 

We had to go around and around the same merry-go-round, with her wanting to know why I was going off the a/d if I had anxiety.  It takes a lot of convincing and had to say it again, over and over, that the anxiety is the result of the withdrawal.  They all seem to think if I have anxiety, then I should stay on the a/d.  It takes just as much convincing them that I never had anxiety (or depression) until I went off the a/d.  She didn’t believe me when I said I was put on it for pain! 

 

Anyway, seems like she understands some things, so that’s a bit of improvement.  It would just be nice to have a doctor who understood the whole deal and was supportive of me getting off them, but she is now doctor no. 7 in the long line!  She is younger than most, so perhaps that might help, I am hoping that being younger she have a bit more knowledge about these things.

[grandmaD]

Now, my previous doctor had prescribed Serapax for insomnia but I only took it now and then and never more than once a week, starting with ¼ tablet and moving up to ½ tablet.  When I found I needed 1 tablet, which was only about a year later, I got suspect and decided to stop it.  Both my doctor and the chemist said that even once a week would not cause a problem.  At my last visit with that same doctor, regarding the muscle spasms, he told me to take a whole tablet every day.  As I had already stopped it, concerned I was getting addicted, I tore that script up and have now been off it for a month.  That is another area I have been considering as to whether, after a while they was causing the muscle spasms as a side effect.  I have now been off them for 4 weeks.

 

When I saw my new doctor the other day, for the third time I almost fell of my chair, because she said “it is a benzo, don’t touch it!”  So, now then, this is something different!  I told her I also took Night Mercyndol and for sleep and for muscle spasms because of the Doxy in it which is a muscle relaxant.  So, I think this time I did fall off my chair, because she said “that’s a joke!”  When I got home I looked it up and sure enough, it is not a muscle relaxant but an anti-histamine that makes you sleepy.

 

When I mentioned I took codeine for pain, she said that was as bad as Serapax and not to touch it either.  I neglected to say it was a combination of Panadol/Codeine, so not sure if she still thinks that.  I had to take 2 of them that morning for pain, so I could get to the surgery to see her.

 

Finally, she said the Aropax was safer to be on than any of those three meds!  Anyway, she said to take the Mercyndol for 3 nights a week, which I still think is too much for the normal dose (besides which, has codeine in it which she said not to take, so didn’t understand that).

 

I noticed considerable improvement already that night after the 2 Panadol/Codeine in the morning.  So I took the 2 Night Mercyndol that night and surprisingly I still woke up after 1 hour and then every 2 hours, but I was drowsy and got back to sleep okay and slept in longer than usual.  The following day saw a good improvement with no spasms and in muscle aches and I felt confident enough to walk around the yard. 

[grandmaD]

I have just taken Ibuprofen the past few days and noticed the aches creep back in with weakness in the hip/groin joint, the red eyes, head has got worse.  However, this is now day 2 without a spasm and previously for the last 10 weeks I have not gone 2 days without a spasm or mini spasm or shooting pain of some kind.  I have not ruled out I may have become dependent on either the Serapax, Doxy or Night Mercyndol or all three and that is the cause of the spasms.  I have thrown the Serapax and Doxy out and will take the Night Mercyndol if absolutely necessary, certainly not 3 times a week as doctor suggested.

[grandmaD]

I went for a week without a spasm and thought I was over it, and then had three more mini-ones and a moderately painful one.  Since then I have been to physio and had a 1 hour massage and when I came home and laid on the floor on my back, I felt 3 "clunks" in my spine and I felt like the spasm-feeling and aches were gone and today it feels so much better and I just have all the old usual symptoms, so here's hoping...

I think it is so weird that after all my wonderings if it was due to damp tablets, old tablets (since rectified both) or osteo, or disc bulge or pinched nerve or scoliosis - it would appear that it was muscle problems pulling my spine/bones out of alignment. 

I also did a google search and found that as a result of withdrawal, the adrenaline keeps on surging (as we all well know) which causes the anxiety and then secondary anxiety makes the anxiety worse and causes muscles to tense up, cramp and spasm!!  So there you have it, and I believe I finally found the answer to my spasms!!! 

[miT]

That makes sense. I've had these muscle spams for years, always when anxiety was surging. However for me it didn't really start after withdrawing, but while still on the drugs.

[brassmonkey]

Do a google on "ma roller".  I bought one many, many years ago and they work wonders on tight back muscles. They can hurt like crazy the first few times you use one, but they really help loosen things up.

[LexAnger]

Hi GrandMaD, you are right and not alone with this muscle spasm. I have it all these years but didn't find a name for it until seeing your post. Like you said, the muscle tension, twist and electric misfire can cause it. I have this allover in my brain, head, neck, back. My spine is always the most inivlving part. I see my chiropractor every week and it helps releasing the tension and pain at least temporarily 

 

So far I found all my health problems in the past years are caused by the drug and withdrawal of it. 

[grandmaD]

It is horrific LA, what we are going through and seems like no end to it.  I always believed the lower I go the better I'd be, but in fact, every year is worse and worse.

 

I went thru some old paperwork as the drawer is getting so full and found I had been switched to Endep, Lexapro and Esipram but didn't even remember being on the last 2.  Also Siffrol and Lyrica for leg pain which I wouldn't take because I got frightened when I read "don't stopp taking this medication abruptly" meaning it was like an a/d!  My stuff goes back to 2008 which is when I began to get serious about getting off, so it has been almost 10 years of this crap.  I can't believe what I have been through when I see all my notes and wonder myself, how I have coped.

 

I noticed I went into a hole 11 months ago and haven't really come back out.  That was when I hit the 3.5mg mark and did a hold for the 3rd year in a row.  I am looking at doing another hold again this year, which makes me mad, because it will only take longer to get right off.  On the other hand, back then at that point Alto suggested staying on that dose forever, so i am now re-considering that aspect.  I thought about switching, but have decided that would only make the whole process longer still and may not help with current symptoms anyway.

 

I always thought "it can't get any worse" but it did!  It looks like the first 3 years with headaches and pressure heads i was just a zombie, in a dead place, a nobody and a nothing.  I had nasuea for almost 2 years too.  Then those things improved but along came anxiety, breathlessness and palpitations and then the following year the insomnia went sky high!  ANd now spasms!  And all the people here on SA ....

 

Anyway, that's my rant for today.  I am glad you find relief with the chiropractor, I am finding the massage once a week to be a good help too, and I go again tomorrow.  I think it is the only thing that is of any help, but at least it is something.  So, its keeping our hand to the plough as we push on in tears ...

 

 

 

I

 

[grandmaD]

On 08/06/2017 at 4:50 PM, miT said:

That makes sense. I've had these muscle spams for years, always when anxiety was surging. However for me it didn't really start after withdrawing, but while still on the drugs.

 

Hi miT, I do believe you are right on with the increase in anxiety.  I am beginning to see a connection with my excruciating muscle spasm and in trying to deal with a suicidal son.  It is bad enough already, with muscle issues for years and years now, but I cannot handle the spasms which are debilitating but I do think it is the "extra" and exterior stress factors that contribute to it.  I found this link helpful, also:

 

https://beyondmeds.com/2012/01/03/adrenalvswithdrawal/

 

It would appear that the only answer is to eat right (cut out sugar, caffeine and junk food, etc), lots of fruit, meat and veges, exercise as much as possible and REST, REST, REST and practice RELAXATION techniques.  They say get plenty of sleep, but that is rather difficult when the adrenaline starts pumping as soon as your about to drift off ... and then every 2 hours when you wake up and of course, absolutely at the dreaded 3-4am mark! 

 

However, I have now begun to implement an extra rest during the day.  I find that just before lunch I get shakey and weak, so I am learning now instead of pushing on and getting lunch, to lie down and rest and have lunch later!  I have always had an afternoon siesta, and I now also have another short rest, just after tea and find that if I do my relaxation stuff, it helps most of the time.

 

The times that the naps and relaxation don't help, is when i think I need to "burn off" the cortisol and I have tried exercising or walking, but I can't say for sure that has helped, but at least it can't do any harm.  Then I come back and lie down.

[miT]

I burn off the cortisol by making use of these muscle spams. I let it completely get to me, suffer the subsequent spams and then it’s over.

 

It’s like a duck shaking its wings after a fight.

[grandmaD]

On 09/06/2017 at 5:49 AM, brassmonkey said:

Do a google on "ma roller".  I bought one many, many years ago and they work wonders on tight back muscles. They can hurt like crazy the first few times you use one, but they really help loosen things up.

Thanks for that tip, I have had a look around.  I don't think available here in Australia, but they sell plastic "rollers" that do the same job, but much bigger in width, so not sure they might be too big.  Will wait until I am much better, so no hurry.

 

By the way, Tom, did you notice any change when you went onto the capsules?  Hubby has made a lovely wooden thing, drilled 6 holes in to hold capsules and instead of the paper with crease he he came up with rolling a piece of paper into a funnel and it works great!  It is still more time consuming than filing, though and takes a lot of getting used to not pouring too much onto the scales as I keep going over my  weight!

[grandmaD]

On 14/06/2017 at 5:11 AM, miT said:

I burn off the cortisol by making use of these muscle spams. I let it completely get to me, suffer the subsequent spams and then it’s over.

 

It’s like a duck shaking its wings after a fight.

What do you mean you "let it get to you?"  I love the analogy about the duck!  I really have to find ways to deal with the spasms, and have just come to realise about the fear aspect of it all which I will write later.

[grandmaD]

I have begun to notice since last summer a worsening of a symptom.  Not sure what to call it???  It has to do with the tingling in my body, the vibrations in my core body, head buzzing and ear ringing all have been permanent 20 years since Paxil.  During w/d these symptoms went from mild to bad mostly, at times strong and hard and at times severe.

Since last summer they seem to be more frequent in the severe end, and when they rise up through body to head, make it feel like exploding, might faint and collapse and very frightening.  I usually drop to the ground just in case, so I don’t fall.  On one occasion I was getting into the bath to try and relax when it happened and I just couldn’t stay in the bath or relax!  A new symptom which is a vibration, but only feels like it is not in all my core body but located just in the pelvic region.

Then it started that every time with my friend for afternoon tea (been doing this weekly for 7 years now and is the only friend I meet with regularly as is all I can cope with) I would have the tingling thing – this is hard to describe, feels like a white noise sort of thing .. weird, but cannot explain, but it rises up and goes to my head and I feel faint, like might pass out.  Afterwards I can feel my head throb.  I do not understand it as I don’t feel anxious or anything, I am quite at home with my friend and I feel that I have coped quite okay making a cup of tea – and she brings the cakes, so no big deal with that.  I think this is just the same thing, but a more moderate attack of whatever it is.

My pulse is always in the 100's and another friend (who accuses me of blaming everything on w/d?) says it could be BP which at times is like 95/81.  I thought it meant low blood pressure but looked it up and it is called "normal high" so not sure if it is that or w/d.

Anyone have any clues about what this is about?

[brassmonkey]

The main thing is how far apart the two knobs in the middle are. The should ride on the muscles on each side of your spine.  The pressure of laying on the roller causes the muscles to relax.  It can hurt a bit at first and is surprising when the muscle releases.

 

The tools DH made sound quite helpful.  I didn't notice any change when I started to use the capsules.  I crushed my tablets into powder and then used the end of a nail file to scoop small bits onto the scale, then flicked off the extra until I got the right number.  With practice I was able to scoop just the right amount most of the time.

[miT]

On 2017-6-16 at 2:42 AM, grandmaD said:

What do you mean you "let it get to you?"  I love the analogy about the duck!  I really have to find ways to deal with the spasms, and have just come to realise about the fear aspect of it all which I will write later.

 

The anxiety in your body wants to be released. Just let it out. Often this happens with a muscle spasm and then it's gone.

 

How do you let it out?

Don't resist the fear. Don't resist the spasms. That's like trying to keep a basketball under water. Eventually it will floop out anyway. You're spending a lot of time and effort to end up with the same result.

 

Feel it completely and it will be gone soon. Then you will see that it hasn't killed you. So why would you resist it?

[grandmaD]

Brass, thanks for the info.  Hubby found a roller in a sports store, but it is very wide, probably about 6" whereas that Ma roller looks about 1 or 2" wide.  I think 6" wide to lie on, would be too high, so hubby thinks he might try and make one from wood!

I had another go at the capsules and it takes some getting used to, I think It will get better with practice, it is just a lot slower.

MiT - Hmmm, veery interesting about the fear!  I certainly fall prey for that one every time.  Mostly because a spasm is so painful and then the muscles ache for days and sometimes weeks at a time afterwards.  I will definitely have to work on that one!  I must remember that expression to shake it off, like water off a ducks back, I like that!

I can’t believe how this whole w/d can be so long and get worse as time goes by.  To be quite honest, it is now very difficult to believe I can get off or ever be better.  It is quite frightening to think I will have to put up with these symptoms forever and it is these times I begin to entertain again the notion of switching.  Once again I have experienced the feeling of being so fragile, I feel like my back will break, making difficult to sit and to stand.  I notice I am feeling more depressed lately and it’s hard to know if that is a result of  struggling with these spasms, aches and pains for 3 months now, which is wearing me down no end, or just the w/d, probably both.

[brassmonkey]

I made a nice one out of a couple of 3 inch dia wooden balls with a heavy dowel holding them together.  Didn't glue anything so it was adjustable.

[LexAnger]

I'm so sorry GrandmaD it has been so difficult for you for so long! I felt Herat broken hearing your pain and how they made you feel! I felt so many times that things will never get better and the suffer will be forever. It is truely the most horrodous journey for any human being. When I'm in such desperate, reading success stories is the only thing that keeps me pushing forward. It's this incredible time and up and down pattern that makes us feeling this way. We have no other options but keep moving, step by step we will eventually reach the zero dose when the natural healing will happen. It may take longer for us than others but we need to have the faith that we will heal too. WD can't be forever like everyone who made it to the other side says.

 

Do you usually feel lots better with long hold?

 

you are in my prayer! Just hang on and you know we are all here for you for your rest journey.

love and hugs

 

lex

[grandmaD]

On 16/06/2017 at 0:53 PM, brassmonkey said:

The main thing is how far apart the two knobs in the middle are. The should ride on the muscles on each side of your spine.  The pressure of laying on the roller causes the muscles to relax.  It can hurt a bit at first and is surprising when the muscle releases.

 

 

DH reckons he could use 2 tennis balls on each end, do you think that would work, or be too tall?

[grandmaD]

Thanks Lex, you are such a blessing, especially you are in a bad place yourself, I pray you will hang onto your branch little bird, and not allow the wind, rain and storm to knock you off either!  Yes it is so hard to believe it can ever get any better!  I am feeling very low and despondant, not sure if it is depression getting to me now lately along with physical symptoms, so will wait a few days and see how I go.  Peace to you, sweetie xxx

[pinkfairy]

Hi grandma D....don't no if you remember me,you inboxed me afew times!i was the one who got CT off 40mg of Paxil...

have just read your story..what a journey it's been for you.your one tough cookie an I totally admire your strength An determination 

pink xxxx

[brassmonkey]

Not tall enough or hard enough.  The arch of the lower back needs around three (3) inches to get enough pressure applied. He could cut two discs out of a 2 X 4.  Round the edges to a smooth curve and join them together.  A couple of old cricket balls would probably work too.  Drill through them and then join them together with a bolt and some nuts.

[grandmaD]

On 20/06/2017 at 0:18 PM, LexAnger said:

Do you usually feel lots better with long hold?

lex

I had to go and chase up 2015 results from the 6 month hold which shows that yes... and no!

 

Nausea - Gone

Indigestion - overall good improvement which continued into next drop

Sore heads - overall improvement which improved next drop

Head vibrations improved after 16 weeks ... continued to improve after next drop

Head banging sensation improved after 19 weeks.... continued to improve after next drop

 

head pressure - overall heaps worse which improved with next drop

headaches - overall worse which improved with next drop

 

Rapid pulse improved after 16 weeks and got worse with next drop

Palpitations - improved after 20 weeks and got worse with next drop

Anxiety - improved after 20 weeks and got worse with next drop

Breathlessness - overall improvement and heaps worse with next drop

 

Insomnia did not improve but did not worsen either

 

[grandmaD]

On 23/06/2017 at 0:31 AM, pinkfairy said:

Hi grandma D....don't no if you remember me,you inboxed me afew times!i was the one who got CT off 40mg of Paxil...

have just read your story..what a journey it's been for you.your one tough cookie an I totally admire your strength An determination 

pink xxxx

Hi Pinkfairy!  Yes, I certainly remember you!  Unfortunately I just couldn't cope with reading too many different journals, so lost track of you.  I would love to know how you are doing now, though?

 

I don't consider myself tough at all.  I was determined to get off this "poison" because it was giving me 4-5 headaches a week and a 3 day migraine every month.  I should never have been put on it in the first place (was given for pain in lower back - which I NOW HAVE BACK AGAIN real bad!!) so I was very angry and determined to get off it.  I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how addictive it was and I thought I would get off it easily, but after 10 years of trying I found a site recommending a super slow taper.    I think at that point I just believed that doing it super slow I would get off in a year.  Then it was the next year, and the next and I thought "there is no way it would take more than 3 years!".  I guess it was that hope that just kept me pushing, along with the fact I should never have been on it, so no point re-instating, etc.  Then after 4 years I really gave up thinking I could get off it, but have come so far now, just had to keep going.  I sure hope it is not like this for you.

 

I think I looked at your journal because I did consider switching to prozac and if I recall rightly, you did just that, but was not successful.  You can fill me in, anyway.

[grandmaD]

On 23/06/2017 at 4:16 AM, brassmonkey said:

Not tall enough or hard enough.  The arch of the lower back needs around three (3) inches to get enough pressure applied. He could cut two discs out of a 2 X 4.  Round the edges to a smooth curve and join them together.  A couple of old cricket balls would probably work too.  Drill through them and then join them together with a bolt and some nuts.

Thanks Brass, I am sure DH will get around to making something.  I am in no hurry, my back still weak and fragile, and another spasm a few days ago, but not as debilitating.  I went back on p/k's 3 days ago and the first thing I noticed was a clearing in my head, so I can think and do stuff better, including being on here.  today I woke up with more aches than before, so I stopped them again, I really don't think they help my body.

[grandmaD]

After writing that post to Pink, I have to wonder if the paxil was MASKING my back pain?????  Anyone know?  Mods???

Could the paxil be pooped out now I am on a low dose and totally ineffective and therefore the original back pain is back again? 

It just keeps going round and round my head again whether it is this original damage done back then because is in exactly the same places I get the pain and the hip spasm and the aches.

[pinkfairy]

Hi grandma d again...so sorry about your back pain....

the WD will be making it worse.i think any pain we had,just gets amplified..am sure as chips once your off it will all settle down An return to baseline...❤️

No I didn't go on to Prozac I was far to far out to reinstate,so have had to go the CT route,plus tapering diazpam on top of this...

its one hell of a fight.am going to hold off with the diazpam taper as have got down from 8mg to 4.5 while going through Paxil WD...

i need a good long hold to let my brain An CNS calm down.

you take it easy An lovely speaking with you 

pink.

ps get a nice water bottle An lay with it,it's rather comforting as well.your doing amazing keep on keeping on ❤️Xxxx

[grandmaD]

Pink, so lovely to hear from you and for your lovely encouragement.  I'm sure that you are right there, that w/d exaggerates all pain and aches and it would be good to get back to how I was before! 

 

The doc wanted to put me on valium just recently for the muscle spasms.  It will probably help you have an easier time with w/d and I agree you should hold as long as you can before dropping it again and when you are feeling confident you can concentrate on w/d from that.  I wish you much success!

[grandmaD]

YEAR 6 UPDATE

 

 

 

Overall drop for the year:  .5mg

 

Last year saw a whole A4 page of improvements!  That led me to believe that this year was going to be a fantastic year!  WRONG!  It is unbelieveable how this drug can hang on, and how long it takes to heal.  Perhaps being over 60 years old, doesn’t help and being on it now over 20 years.

 

I honestly don’t know what to make of this, except that I have seen people find it gets really bad at very low doses and other people can’t get off at all.  I did notice

 

I began to deteriorate A LOT 11 months ago at the 3.5mg mark.  Then, as if things weren’t bad enough, I began to have severe, excruciating muscle spasms every day/second day for 3 months. 

 

These spasms have gradually spaced out to weekly and then 10 days.  I have been left with worse problems with my spine, as if it is “out of whack” and feels weak, like it might break with lots of aches in the upper back, lower back and severe leg, ankle and foot pain.

 

I still don’t know if this is all due to the osteoarthritis but I do know it is debilitating and I am still very frightened about a future of that.  On the other hand, my muscles are very sore and weak, making bending difficult and needing a kneeler.  Also have aches and painful knees and at times my right shoulder and neck thrown into the picture! 

 

So – it has been horrendous.  I have just finished an 8 week taper and will now do a hold, yet again, for the third year in a row, forced to do a 6 month hold.  I have battled over and over and over in my mind about losing so much of my life with no prospect for a better future and thinking seriously about switching.

 

At least it looks like the spasms are easing and I hope they go right away, and that might give me more confidence.  I would like to see some improvement with my muscle issues and that might give me some hope also.  I decided to do this hold and see if things can get back to my normal “abnormal” first.

 

The muscle problems are affecting my back again.  It took my 5 years to build up to 1 hour sitting time and this knocked it back to 10mins again, but I am slowly building it back up again and can sometimes do 30mins.

[stan]

hi,

years pass

i took near as you, from 1996 to 2009, a fast taper 11 months  inside

fibromyalgia and chronique fatigue much better, but as you i have back pains, see my signature, i put the heavy things

good luck

[grandmaD]

Hi Stan, so good to connect with you again as I looked for your journal and could never find it, but then saw it on top of the list the other day because you posted.

 

It is so sad to hear things are still so crook for you and I am sorry for that.  I am mad as anything because it has taken me 6 years and I get very down thinking it will never improve.  I hate to think about it.  I have done a slow taper and I really think I should be in a better place than I am.

 

I don't see other people complain of the chest pain like I have, only you.  Do you feel weak and unstable in the ribcage area, like it will collapse or even break?  I got in the car the other day and it felt like my spine moved out of place and was very painful, so rest of day I was like a 100 year old, creeping around, frightened to turn, bend, move, etc.  Hubby was taking me "out" for a coffee, something I never do.  We got to the shop and I couldn't sit, as my back was crook and muscles were screaming.  It seemed to take an eternity for the coffee to come and I just wanted to get out of there asap.  So poor hubby trying to brighten me up wanted to go for a drive, but after about 10mins of that, I had to lie down, so that was that!

It is just not a life and I feel caught between a rock and a hard place.

 

do you have trouble with sleeping?  anxiety and palpitations? breathlessness?

 

I have noticed I am having more frequent days of fatigue.  Got tired before, weak, heavy and slow and lethargic, but now days of fatigue started to hit me, but so far only a day at a time, maybe once or twice a week.

 

So Stan, what are you going to do?  Have you considered going back on another a/d???  I consider this ALL THE TIME NOW!  What else can you do?  Do you expect to see any improvement?  In the meantime, I wish you well and truly hope that there is some hope for the future for you.  It just isn't fair, we have all lost so much of our life and like you, we are now much older and approach old age issues which can complicate things.

 

 

[miT]

Is your chest pain connected to anxiety? Happens to me from time to time.

[grandmaD]

MiT - love that little critter! 

 

I just read your signature and see you were also on Paxil and pretty high dose, too - and sad to see you did CT.  What is rest of your story and how is your taper going?  Ii will try and get to your journal sometime, but at present, just doing what I have to do.

 

Chest pain connected to anxiety I am familiar with - that pain I get above my breasts, in that muscle.  I also think that pain is related to what I eat, but have not kept notes on it to determine that exactly.

 

The other chest pain feels more like something to do with my spine and those muscles.  This recent spasm crap could possibly be muscle related, because it feels like they are weak and will not hold me up.  I saw an exercise to do to strengthen the upper back ribcage muscles which is very simple - just hold your two arms out in front of you with palms up for 10 seconds.  I was surprised how HARD that was to do, and could feel the pressure it exerted on those upper back muscles.

 

I went for 2 weeks this time before a couple of lower back spasms.  This time, the longest time and also not excruciating painful and didn't go right out into the hip area.  I  only lay down for 30mins and was able to go for a walk afterwards, so they are improving. 

 

The last 2 days I am feeling muscles stronger, holding me up better.  Also my head is much better and I feel real and like everyone around is real, so this is a good sign.  I also went for that cup of coffee I was meant to enjoy the other day, and I sat in the car where I was more comfortable and actually enjoyed it.  We then went for a little drive and was able to enjoy that also.  THis is the best I have been for almost 4

months! 

 

I did my 6 yearly update which sent me into deep depression for days afterwards.  I had many improvements in Year 5 and was convinced year 6 would be see me getting right off, but in fact, Year 6 was the worst year of all for a lot of things which was so discouraging.

[grandmaD]

THINGS THAT ARE GONE IN 6^TH YEAR OF TAPER

 

Body jolts

Scalp crawlies (maybe once or twice)

Dry eyes and mouth

Nausea

Indigestion

 

THINGS THAT REMAINED THE SAME IN THE 6^TH YEAR OF TAPERING

 

The ability to concentrate has not improved, but about the same – 30 mins or an hour at the most with other people.

Headaches remain the same at around 1-2 a week, (much improved from the start when I had 4-5 a week!)

Leg and feet pain and aching

Short term memory loss is as bad as ever

Hot flushes

Teeth grinding

Clumsiness

Still unable to drive, too risky with my brain

Still only 3 friends to relate to and see 1 on weekly basis, couldn’t cope with any more

Long bouts of feeling “unreal” or feeling/ behaving like a “robot”

Long bouts of no pleasure, joy, purpose, etc.

[miT]

3 hours ago, grandmaD said:

MiT - love that little critter! 

 

I just read your signature and see you were also on Paxil and pretty high dose, too - and sad to see you did CT.  What is rest of your story and how is your taper going?  Ii will try and get to your journal sometime, but at present, just doing what I have to do.

 

I'm not really keeping a journal. Most of my issues were related to childhood problems and how it wires you for life. I'm not gonna bother people with what is in my head.

 

Of course the meds made things worse, but apart from the muscle spams I currently don't have any physical withdrawal issues.

I have waves of increased fear and windows of normality. My muscles spams are fear related. I just let it get to me. Shake it off.

 

I do feel very sensitive emotionally as I'm tapering my dose. Paroxetine really suppresses all your emotions, it's crazy.

On the other hand I also feel more alive.

 

As for cognitive therapy I'm working on my brain all the time. It's my worst enemy, seeing danger everywhere, never at peace. There is a lot to learn in life. Luckily the knowledge required is available.